02x02 - Stepmother From Hell

[bunniefuu]

So the living room is through here?

Yeah, this is the living room.
Nice and bright.

Yeah.

-Have you lived here long?
-Since 2011 or 2012.

That's when Ane bought it,
and I moved in the year after.

So what's happening with Elise now?

Her mental health is being assessed.

-Is this Elise's room?
-Yeah, that's hers.

This...

This is Elise's room.

Right.

-She has everything she needs.
-Yeah, she gets whatever she needs.

-Would you like some coffee?
-Yeah, I'd love a cup.

Is that something you think
a 16-year-old needs?

No, that's not in use.
We've never used it.

It's just to...

Well, Ane thought it would be good
to have the option.

We had to man the barricades here.

-How do you take your coffee?
-Black, please.

SUCK IT UP

So I have to pick
just one Bowie album?

It's like choosing between Salah
and Mané. It's impossible.

But if I have to choose...

- Ziggy Stardust.
-Wrong answer.

The question is wrong.
He has nothing but good albums.

Are you kidding? That's not true.

Have you heard Hours, Reality,
Never Let Me Down ...

You don't like Never Let Me Down?

You love Never Let Me Down?
You're an '80s drummer guy.

Can you drop the boy talk?

Isn't Rim eating with us?

No, she had to go home.
But I'll go over to hers later.

Are you eating
in your workout clothes, Dad?

We're not eating.
Stephen was granted leave,

so we have
to train for the Pilgrim's Route.

Congrats, but you can eat dinner
even if you're walking to Trondheim.

Sure, but not the food you're
cooking. I'm doing the keto diet.

Hi! Congratulations on your leave.

Will you eat a little
before you head out?

We'll eat at my place later.

First, we're running up Havnabakken.
We're going to get him in shape.

Your boyfriend is just lovely.

The kids love him.

Sigrid doesn't, but she'll get there.

-Bye, honey.
-Bye. Don't exercise too hard.

I haven't been in Tromsø,
but I've been in Trondheim.

-That's not far from there.
-It's quite far.

Jesus, what are you doing?
Are you insane?

Are you a n*zi?

They're the only ones
who burn books, you know.

I mean... No.

J.K. Rowling is a gender fascist,

and I'm dissociating myself
from her authorship.

I just have to grab this.

Stop speaking Swedish.

Harry Potter isn't allowed
in Michaela's house

because J.K. Rowling
is a gender fascist.

f*cking PC Swedes.

You can read books by people
you disagree with.

I have Hamsun in the bookcase.

Grandpa's not eating, by the way.
He's walking the Pilgrim's Route.

What's the point of walking
to Trondheim?

That's the last thing
I'd have on my bucket list.

What would be the first thing
on your bucket list?

Being on Ex on the Beach
before I'm 24.

Isn't it a really long way
for your dad to walk?

-It's over 600 kilometers.
-Yeah, it's too long.

He has to get a routine check-up
before he walks that far.

I insist.

-Hey...
-Just answer it.

Grandpa has a lot of crazy ideas.

He won't eat regular food.
He's doing the keto diet.

Keto?

Isn't it really hard
not to eat carbs at all?

Michaela's family
only eats slow carbohydrates.

-It's much healthier.
-Sorry.

Therese needed
my social security number.

Okay. Let's dig in.

-Have fun with Rim.
-Thanks.

Bye.

Have fun in the mountains.

-I put the vodka in your backpack.
-Great. I'll send you the money.

-Please, Hanna.
-I was kidding.

Hanna, how do I say

"Dumbledore is not my headmaster"
in Spanish?

Wasn't that more Portuguese?
In Spanish, it would be...

It's " no ," not " nao ."

Yeah, but I'm learning Portuguese.

Aren't you going to Argentina?

Yeah, but Spanish
and Portuguese are the same thing.

Right... I think they're
two different languages.

Sorry, am I paying
for Portuguese lessons?

In the info meeting
before the summer,

there were so many girls
who were learning Spanish,

and I didn't want to be
in a class with only girls.

And it's cool to know a language
that fewer people know.

Everyone knows Spanish.

Especially in Argentina,
where you're staying for a year.

They're very similar.
Everyone will understand me.

-Hi, Dad.
-Hello.

Look at this. Burgers.

And there's Bjørnar.

Hi. Finn Øye.

Bjørnar Berg Hansen.

Nice to meet you.
Hanna speaks warmly of you.

Hey, Pørni?

You're punching
above your weight with this one.

-Grab a burger, if you're hungry.
-No, I ate with Mom.

It'll be great for you
to have some alone-time.

I heard you have twins
and another one on the way.

Is that why
I got time off from school?

-So you can be alone?
-No.

Dad is borrowing a cabin, and you had
perfect attendance. That's all.

Isn't it true that people who speak
Spanish can understand Portuguese?

I don't think so,
but Spain borders on Portugal.

Portugal is a fascinating country.

You should read
The Book of Disquiet by Pessoa.

One of my books was translated
into Portuguese. The Fear from 2004.

I think it's underrated.
I was in my stride with that one.

Have fun.

-Bye, Sigrid.
-Will you be here when we get back?

No, I'll be watching the twins.
You'll have your mother to yourself.

We'll have a Harry Potter marathon.

Not funny, Mom.

A sample copy of my book.

-Here you go.
-Thanks.

If you have any notes,
I need them by the 10th.

-That's when it goes to print.
-Okay.

Drive safely.
It's going to rain at Ringebu.

I'll have them back on Sunday
around six or seven,

depending on the weather.

Okay. Have fun, you two.

Nice to meet...

Nice to meet you.

Take some breaks
from your phone, Hanna.

-Bye!
-Bye!

Bye, losers!

-I have to go.
-Huh?

No, no, no.

Please don't. Please.

-Can't you come to bed?
-I have to go to work.

But I'm off at 12.
I'll meet you at Nedre Foss.

Can you mute my phone?

From Therese:
What about Johanne if it's a girl?

Remember to fill out those papers.

Can you ask Therese if she wants
to grab a coffee with me?

Huh?

I just think it's
a bit unpleasant and awkward

that she and I haven't met
each other after everything...

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Now?

No. This is our weekend.

-But maybe this week. I can call her.
-Yeah.

I'll talk to her later.

-Okay. Bye.
-Bye.

-Have a nice day at work.
-Thanks.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I just wanted to say hi.
I just moved into number 7.

-Right. Hi.
-Jan Fuentes.

Pernille Middelthon.
I saw the moving van.

I should have come over
to say hi.

No, good heavens. That's fine.
Are you in a hurry?

-No. It's been empty for a while?
-Yeah.

It's my childhood home.

I rented it out
while I was in Madrid.

But my marriage failed, so now,
Jan Fuentes is back in Norway.

Fuentes? Are you related
to Alejandro Fuentes from Idol?

No, it's my wife's surname.
Or ex-wife.

I took her name.

Johansen is a boring name,
so I just kept it.

-I see.
-I don't want to keep you.

I just brought some wine,
if that's something you like.

Okay. How nice.

I import Spanish wines.
There are a couple of Priorats.

They're quite bueno .

Thanks. You didn't have to do that.

Yes, I really did.
There are also some plans in there

for some exterior alterations.
We want to build out the basement.

So it's suck-up wine.

You should be allowed
to expand a little.

I hope so. Enjoy the wine
and take a look at the plans.

You'll get some official documents
at a later date.

-Okay. Thank you.
-No problem.

It's quite strong, so you should
pair it with beef or game.

-Nice to meet you.
-Thank you. Goodbye.

It sounds very peculiar
when you look at it from the outside.

I totally get that.

But I would say
that my chief impression is

that things have quieted down
for everyone, and especially Elise,

after we split up.

It has been useful for us to separate
the family into smaller units.

We have two little girls to think of.

And Elise can be quite wild.

-You have two small half-siblings?
-Yes.

They won't let me watch them,
because...

when my mom died...

I was...

a real brat.

And...

Dad and Ane got together
really quickly, so...

Hey...

It's just bullshit.
You shouldn't feel sorry.

It's Ane who hates you.
You were just a normal kid.

There has been...

a lot of problems with Elise
ever since I came into the picture.

Ane, she's...

She's jealous.

She's very...

very jealous.

So I feel I have
been doing the splits for many years.

And that has...

been draining for me.

What was the name

of that youth psychiatrist
we had on that force-feeding case?

Abid?

Could you call him?
I want him to take a look at Elise.

Yeah. Talk about
the evil stepmother in person.

Sorry. I didn't mean
that everyone is like that.

I don't take it personally.
I've barely met Bjørnar's twins.

I have some baggage of my own.

But when his new baby comes,
you're suddenly there.

Straight out of Cinderella .

Sorry.

It won't be like that.
You're so in love.

Can't you give Abid a call?
I'll get us some coffee.

I'm not a romantic just because
I like rom-coms from the '90s.

I'm not calling you
a regular romantic.

You're a closet romantic.

You're waiting to come out,
and you have to come out.

I get it. I'm a romantic myself.

Like weddings, for example.
It's the most romantic thing I know.

-Everyone loves weddings.
-No, I love them more.

It's the only romantic thing
I get to choose myself.

Having children has never been
a romantic thing for me.

But weddings are...

Therese is here.

-Here?
-Why?

-I don't know.
-Hi!

-Hi.
-Bjørnar said you were coming here.

I was nearby, so I thought
we could have that coffee now.

I thought we could do it later
this week. I was going to call you.

I didn't want to wait that long.

Can I sit down?

Yeah.

Sorry, could I have
a single latte with soy?

I was so relieved when Bjørnar said
you wanted to grab a coffee.

I've been thinking
so much about you.

This can't have been easy
for you either.

It's touching that you're handling
the situation so maturely.

I don't know how mature it is.

I just thought it would be good
to grab a coffee.

Bjørnar has probably
told you this, but...

Gerhard and I broke up
because we couldn't have children.

So this feels like a gift,

even though it's not
exactly what I dreamed of.

I want to ask you something,
and I'm going to be frank.

I don't have
any family in Oslo anymore.

My mom moved
to Kragerø when Dad died.

Long story. I was wondering, since
you'll sort of be a stepmother...

Or you will be one.

So I was wondering if you
would like to be the godmother.

You want me to be...?

I think Pernille
will have to think about it.

-Okay.
-It's a bit sudden.

What do you think
about Johan if it's a boy?

-That was my dad's name.
-That's nice.

It's not that common, either.
I think it's nice.

I have to say no.

To be a godmother.

I think it's too much to ask.

Oh.

Okay.

I have to pee.
I have to pee all the time.

Can't you look
at those baby carriages?

I just want to get it done.
I think the gray one is nice.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
she would crash our lunch.

I told her that you would call her.

What does she think?

Should I feel sorry for her because
she doesn't have family in Oslo...

and agree to be the godmother?

She's an only child from Bygdøy.
She's used to getting her way.

Could you wait outside?

I'll pay for this and talk to her.

I'll tell her that there are limits
for how invasive she can be.

Why can't she wait outside?

Why can't you tell her to go to hell

and not treat you
like a f*cking sperm donor

and boss you around
just because you're a decent guy?

f*cking hell. I'm going home.

Come over later, if you have time
between picking names and colors.

Why are you here when the house
is empty and the car is gone?

You have an entire house
to mope around in.

Old habit.

You're a garage weeper.
That's just the way you are.

I'm sorry.

I just think that Therese
can be a bit demanding.

You think Therese can be demanding?

Yes.

But I talked to her after you left.

I made it clear that there are limits
for how invasive she can be.

She's alone and pregnant,
and I have to be generous.

No.

You don't have to be generous.
I have to be generous.

You can just be five years old
and pout if you want.

-I'm a little jealous, too.
-Yeah. I get that.

I would be, too.

It probably doesn't help if I say...

that out of all the billions
of people on earth,

she's the last one I would want
to spend time on.

-Right?
-It does help a little.

That's good.

I have talked to Elise.

I'm so worried
that I have decided to commit her.

Elise and I have talked

and agreed that I will read a little
from the admission notes,

if that's still okay with you, Elise.

Yes?

"The patient has lived in a
psychosocially stressing environment

where she couldn't move freely
or talk to others in the household.

The patient describes a regime

where she can only leave her room
at certain times of the day

when the stepmother
is out of the house

or in some other way
can avoid contact with the patient.

The father has communicated
with his daughter by phone

and text messages,
even when they are in the same house.

The patient suffers
from severe anxiety,

has suicidal thoughts,

and there have been instances
of destructive behavior."

Have you lost the will to live?

Well... I don't know.

There's no...

There's no place for me anywhere.

I love you.

It doesn't feel like it.

You chose Ane instead of me.

I understand
that that's how you feel.

I wanted to get my own life
back on track, too,

after what happened to Mom.

I thought it might help you
if you saw that I was doing better.

But you're right.

I chose her instead of you.

Of course there should be
a place for you.

Of course there should be
a place for you, Elise.

I just... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

Sorry to ruin your big day,
but that's your phone.

Oh my God.

-Sorry. I was sure I had muted it.
-Don't worry about it.

I love it when something banal
is mixed with something ceremonious.

I got a text message
during my dad's funeral.

Just as we were about
to lower the casket.

A colon had burst.

-You're kidding?
-It's a long story.

I can tell it later.

-It's a funny story.
-I look forward to it.

The timing was totally wrong.

Many of you think
I should have proposed sooner.

But it is only after two children,

plus one from my first marriage,

and house building
and three nervous breakdowns,

for me, that is,

that you really know that it's love.

You can bear a man who likes to hunt
both moose and grouse.

And I have to say, Tuva,

that I could never have found a
better mother for Georg and Walther.

Or a better stepmother for Trond.

Tuva, you are...

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

No wedding without a scandal.
This was ours.

Just keep going.

From Therese: Please call me

You are...

also the worst loser in the family.

You won't answer questions for a week
after loosing at Kahoot! .

But I love you.

So, cheers.

-To my wife.
-Cheers!

Hi.

She's on her way to the hospital.
She has some kind of bleeding.

-I think I should go with her.
-Should you?

-Aren't you here with me?
-Yes.

-I can go with you.
-No, you don't have to do that.

I'll just slip a Mickey,
so I won't interrupt anything.

I think you mean "slip away."

Slipping a Mickey
is something else.

Okay.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-Bye.
-Good luck.

I think we should drink to
what Lars said about you and Trond.

It was really f*cking moving.

And we should drink to you, Pørni,
because you will be a stepmother.

That's the biggest declaration
of love there is.

Except for the fact
that it's just bullshit.

I have tried for 17 years,

and I'm a shitty stepmom.

I mean, he gets the best steaks,

the biggest Easter eggs,

the nicest birthday presents,
because I like him the least.

And I feel so guilty
for liking him the least

that I do a thousand things for him
I would never do for my own kids.

And that makes me like him even less.

That's something
for you to think about.

You have two stepchildren
and another one on the way.

You know what?
I think this is getting too gloomy.

It's your wedding day.

Let's make a toast.

I'm going to dance with my husband
while he's still awake.

You're dancing
with the gastric surgeon.

-Come on.
-Thanks.

-We're going in here.
-Yeah.

To Municipal-Bjørnar:
Walking home now. We need to talk.

Are you angry at me?

No.

I'm not.
You're doing everything right.

You're just a decent guy,
and I love you for that.

It's just that...

Therese is an only child
who is used to getting her way,

and I'm a single mom who's used
to never getting her way.

And that turns me into someone
that I don't want to be.

I get sad and needy.

But I can take it. I can take it.

I thought that you and I together...

We can deal with anything.

Hostility from the kids
and crazy exes and...

But I can't deal with it.

I can't be generous. I get envious.

I won't be a god stepmom, because...

I already feel ill-will against
that poor, little baby.

And it's so unromantic
to be a woman like that.

Isn't that something we can solve?

We can solve it together, me and you.

I don't think so, because...

I think you deserve someone...

who is less needy than me.

And I think
that I might also deserve...

to not have to pretend
that everything is fine all the time.

-I'm sorry.
-No, don't say that.

Don't apologize. I should apologize.

Life itself should apologize.

So...

It won't work out?

No.

I don't think so.

I don't think
we can make it work, or...

I can't make it work.

...and don't leave a message,
because I won't listen to it anyway.

I'll call back as soon as possible.

Hi.

You just have
to deal with me calling,

since I'm paying
for your mobile plan.

It didn't go that well.

But at least I tried.

There are some things you don't have
to deal with since you won't turn 40.

I miss you.

DELETE PICTURE

It's sad, of course, but that's life.

-f*cking yes!
-Sigrid!

We're still friends and colleagues,
and it was mutual.

Have you read Dad's book?
Dad says you're a great reader.

He still likes you.

I think that book would be
even better on the barbecue

than Harry Potter.

Why do you talk sh*t about Dad?

Sigrid, I'm sorry.
I was just kidding.

I'm sorry.

Mom, I've found a program in Brazil

that rescues sea turtles
that have eaten plastics.

And in Brazil, they speak Portuguese!

You're going to Argentina.

I just talked to the new neighbor.
He's really nice.

He's lived in Madrid
and speaks Spanish fluently.

He'll give you lessons.

You'll learn so much Spanish

that you can say "no thanks"
to a paso doble.

So sea turtles with plastics
inside them don't matter to you.

I'm single too, by the way.

Really?

-Did you and Rim break up?
-Yeah.

I'm moving with Dad to Granvin.

And I don't want
a long-distance relationship.