01x09 - The Monster

[bunniefuu]

- It's time for y'all to get
y'all's asses up

and go to school, you're gonna
have a great day.

- Oh, how I love it here.
Miss Scarlett, wait for me!

- Did you hear from Cora?
- No.

- Maybe you should
give her a call.

- Uh, I don't wanna
look too desperate.

- Hate to break it
to you, but we are...

Lord, please let them say
yes... beyond desperate.

- You ain't never held
a tool in your life, boy.

These is tools that men use.

The only thing you know
how to push is a pencil.

- What are we gonna do?
- Pray for a miracle.

Until then, this is a wrench.
[laughs]

- ♪

- Baby.

- What... what is that?

- What?

- What are you wearing?

- What?

- It's a hazmat suit.

I know what it is, but
why do you need it?

- I was trying to clean
out the septic tank.

- Jeremy, do you know
what you're doing?

- Hell no.

- Yes, I do.

- [chuckles]

- Okay.

- Boy, how do you
know how to do that?

- YouTube, hello?

- Boy, you about
to k*ll yourself.

Hello?

- Baby, we should wait
for the professionals.

- And who the hell
gonna pay for that?

- Exactly.

- Tell me exactly
what you gonna do.

- I'm gonna take this snake...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... I'm gonna put it in there,

I'm gonna stir it up like that.
- Okay.

- Pull it back and forth.
- Oh.

- I'm gonna get rid
of all the doo-doo.

- Is it that simple?

- Yes.

- Okay, well, then
that sounds easy enough.

- It is.

- Except for one thing.

- And what's that?

- Do you even know how
to open a septic tank?

- Yeah.

You twist it off.

- He don't know what
the hell he doing.

Tell me how you open it.

- Man, it's just a septic tank.

Relax.

- Look, dumbass, you ever
heard of septic gases?

- Yeah, yeah, you have
those all the time.

- Let me tell you
something, boy.

You open that tank the wrong
way, the cap is gonna blow off.

- And it won't be no worse than
when you walking through a room

where you crop dust
us with all your gas.

- Well, apparently
ain't working.

You still alive.

- Yes, I am.

- Not for long.

- Fine, I got this.

Pbbt, hmm.

- That's exactly you gonna do.

Psst. Go on, psst.

- Baby.
- [chuckles]

Blow up, psst. [laughs]

- Is it really that bad?

- Yes.

That gas gonna blow his a*s
to little bitty pieces.

Especially if he got gas.

The old gas meet the new gas
will tear his a*s up.

- Baby!

Maybe... maybe we
should call somebody!

- Oh, don't you go out there.

- Oh.

- He 'bout to be covered in it.

- Uh!

{\an8} - ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter what
you do, I love you ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪

{\an8}♪ Always remember,
blood ain't never water ♪

{\an8}♪ We'll make it if
we stay together ♪♪

- What is he doing now?

- About to k*ll his damn self.

- Oh, this is not good.

You think you ought
to go stop him?

- Hell no.

Girl, I got old bones.

They might shatter.

Very easy.

- Well...

- You go and stop him.

- No, I'm good.

- Hm.

Do you love him?

That's your husband.

- Yes, I do.

- Do you have insurance?

- Yes, Grandpa.

I think he'll be fine.

- He can't get that cap
off, so it's all good.

- Grandpa, I wanna talk to you.

- Aw, sh*t.

- Stop it.

It's not that bad.

- Oh, I know what you gonna do.

You think he gonna die, so you
gonna try

to get up on a new man. [laughs]

- Stop.

Grandpa, ain't
nothing about you new.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- So I think that we need
to get some help here.

- Is this about
them two thieves?

Brown and Cora?

- Yes.

Well, I mean...

- Did they call you back?

- No, they didn't.

- Well then.

- But if they do...

- They ain't.

They's thieves.

- No, Grandpa,
she said she would.

- And you believe her a*s?

- Why would she lie to me? Hmm?

- Hell, all Christians lie.

She ain't call you back.

- She will, Grandpa.

- You sure about that?

- Yes, I mean, I really
wanna have them brought on.

But I think the way that you
handled that

with Mr. Brown is a problem.

- I ain't got no
problem with Mr. Brown.

I just don't like his a*s.

- That was the problem.

And, yes, you do.

- He ain't got
that kind of money.

You see that clown.

- How you know?

- How a monkey a*s dressing
like that gonna have $40,000?

- If they call back...
- VINNY: Uh-huh.

-... will you just let it be?

- Okay, alright. Fine.

- Okay.
- VINNY: Alright.

Where you going?

- To call Cora.

- You better be going
to call an ambulance.

- Why?

- [sniffs] Smell like your
husband just got that cap off.

Don't you smell that sulfur?

- [sniffs]

- Oh, that ain't sulfur, girl.

That is shiiiit.

- Oh no.
- That's pee-pee and bedpan.

- This isn't gonna
be good, is it?

- Nope, this is
not gonna be good.

- [doorbell rings]

- Hey, Mom.

- Hey!

How was your first day?

- It was okay.

- Uh, how 'bout you, Sandra?

- I love it here.

- What?

- Yeah, this is
gonna be so much fun.

- Uh, w-w-what?

- Yeah.

- It was that good?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

- Look, I need to
go do my homework.

I want everything to be
perfect for tomorrow.

- Yeah. O-okay.

- You know what?

- What?

- She on that shiiit.

- Grandpa Vinny,
will you stop it?

- No, no, no, the girl
left here so mad today.

All of a sudden, she come
back, "Ooh, I love it here.

Gotta go do homework."

- No, it is strange.

- Hm.

It's that dope.

- Hey, stop it, okay?

- Why don't we ask your son?
You think I'm lying.

- Well...
- Philip, hush.

- Okay.

- Why did Sandra enjoy
school so much today?

- Maybe somebody complimented
her on her clown shoes?

I don't know.

- Did you see her at all?
- Nope.

- Hmm.

Well, did you enjoy school?

- Not as much as her, but she's
just been smiling all day.

- Hmm.

- I wonder what that is.

- That's that shiiit.

- You didn't see anything
strange, Son, did you? No?

- Well, I did when I walked in.

- What?

- What is Dad wearing?

And what is he doing?

- I need you to go get
washed up for dinner.

- With what water?

- Philip.
- Okay.

- Mm-hmm.

- [sniffs] Can you smell that?

- [phone ringing]

- Uh, your phone is ringing.

- Hello?

Hey, hey.

Cora.

Yes.

Oh, you are?

Yes. Yes.

Okay. Yeah, we're here.

Yes, please.

Okay, I'll... I'll see you then.

Hey!

- Well, what the hell she say?
- [laughs]

She said they are on their way.
- What?

- Mm-hmm. Yep.

- So, uh, she didn't
ignore ya, huh?

- Nope, she did not.

Hm. - Well now...

- What?

- We'll see.

We will see.

- We see that you 'bout to be
in business with a partner.

Hey!

- If I don't k*ll him first.
Hey!

Watch that, Cora.

[laughs]

- [expl*si*n blasts]

- Aw hell.

- What was that?
- That was an expl*si*n.

- Oh no!

Oh!

- What the hell?

Alright, the boy just
ruptured the line.

- Oh, is it getting
all over him?

- VINNY: Oh my God,
it's all over him!

- Ahh!

- What the hell are you doing?

- Opening the door!
- Don't open the door

and let his stank a*s in here!

- Grandpa! Ahh!

- Oh my God!

Run, fool!

Get in all that doo-doo!

Old doo-doo! Fat man doo-doo!

No, no, no, no,
don't let him in here!

Aw, hell no.

Ahh!

Alright, uh-uh.

Don't let him in. - What?

- Don't let his a*s in here.
- Why not?

- ♪

- ♪

- Grandpa Vinny.

- No! No.

No, hell no.

- Let him in!
- No.

We can't let him in.

- JEREMY: Let me in.

- For what?
So you can k*ll us all?

- JEREMEY: I need to
get this sh*t off of me.

- Boy, there ain't
no water in here.

- JEREMY: I need to wash up.

- What you need to do is go
down to the creek and jump in.

- JEREMY: Are you serious?
- Yes!

- Will you move?
- Hell no!

- Grandpa!
- No!

Listen, think about it. - What?

- He is covered in
waste from head to toe.

- [groans]

- Talking about doo-doo

from 1936. - Ahhh!

- That's defecation
and debauchery.

- Oh no!

- I'm talking about bedpan
juice all over his body.

You can't let him in here!

That's a lot of
prune juice, girl.

- JEREMY: [mumbling]
I'm gonna be sick.

- Ha! Don't do it, boy.

- Grandpa Vinny,
how far is the creek?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

The creek is about
a half a mile.

- JEREMY:
[frantic muffled speech]

- You can walk.

- Baby, you need
to go to the creek.

- JEREMY: Baby,
don't do this to me.

Are you serious? - Yes.

- You're not gonna let me in?

- I don't think
it's for the best.

- Baby, really?

- I'm sorry!

- I thought we was Rose
and Jack on the Titanic.

- But he wasn't full of sh*t!

[crying] I'm sorry, baby.

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

- You're sorry?
That's all you can say?

- I love you.

- Baby, open the door.

- Baby!

Go to the creek!

You better hurry up!

- You're not gonna help me?

- How can I help you?

- By k*lling us.

That's what you'll do
if you get in here.

- Baby, the creek!

- Look, the longer you wait,
the worse it's gonna be.

You don't want that
stuff to dry up on you.

It dries up, it gets all
hard and everything, boy.

- Oh!

- We can't... we can't
do this no more.

We left it there.

- I love you, baby.

I love you!

I love you so much.

I love you! I love you!

I love you! - Creek!

To the creek!

- [banging on door]

- To the creek, son!

Take small, shallow breaths.

[sucking air]

Hold your breath if you can!

Don't get that sh*t
in your throat!

- This is not right.
- Yes, it is.

- It's not right.
- [banging on door]

- It's not!
- It is right!

- [crying]

- He finally left.

Did you wanna clean that up?

- No.

- Okay then.
We did the right thing.

- Mom?

- Yes?

- Can I go to study hall?

- What?

- Well, there's a study hall
after class, and I want to go.

- Uh...

You want to go to study hall?

- Mm-hmm.

- Voluntarily?

- Yes.

- Oh, uh...

- What?

- Talk... what's going on?

- I don't know what you mean.

- Why are you so excited about
going to study hall

all of the sudden?

- I like to learn.

- Mm-hmm.

- Listen, you were right.

I just needed to give
this place a chance.

- Oh, I'm glad you
see it that way.

- I do. So can I go?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Great. Thanks, Mom.

I love you. I love you so much.

- What the hell?

What is that?

- That's that shiiit.

- Stop, okay?

- You don't think
that's strange?

- I think that I'm
glad she's happy.

- Yo, Mom?

- Yes?

- What's for dinner?

- Chicken and beets.

- Beets?

Don't tell me you're feeding
us like the old people, too.

- Stop it.
- PHILIP: Okay.

- I'm feeding you healthy.

- Look, I have time.

I'm too young to just die.

You don't have to do that.

- Boy, will you stop it?

- Fine.

- And school was
just fine for you?

- Yeah.
- That's it? Just fine?

- Yeah.

- Okay, and, um...

- Why do you keep asking?

- So, your sister is
acting kinda strange,

so is... is everything
fine for her?

I mean, she liking
school and that's weird.

So, something's going on,
you'll let me know, hmm?

- I'm not no snitch.

- I got, um, some
more chicken and fries.

- I'll tell ya everything.

- My boy.

Okay, great.

- [doorbell rings]

- Miss Cora?
- Hi!

- VINNY: [groans]
- [laughs]

- Mm.

- It's just Cora,
it's just Cora.

- Okay. Where's Mr. Brown?

- Oh, he's coming, he's coming.
But he got stuck at the light.

He's right behind me.
He's coming in though.

- Okay.
- Alright.

- That is a nice dress.

- Well, thank you.
This old thing?

- I love that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yo, wait a minute. Whatever,
whatever, are y'all in or out?

- Grandpa, please.

- Look, I ain't got all day.

Hell, I'm old. sh*t.

- We are waiting for Mr. Brown.

- And you gotta stop
all that cussing.

- I don't know
what's wrong with him.

- It's okay.
- He has no couth, no class.

We working on him.

So... what'd y'all decide?

- We're waiting for Mr. Brown.

- I know, I'm so sorry.
- [laughs]

- He is rubbing off on me.
- He is, he is.

- CORA: Mm.
- It's alright.

- MR. BROWN: Cora! Cora! Cora!

Lock the doors, lock the doors!

- What is it, Mr. Brown?
- Cora, it's out there!

- What's there?
- Cora, I saw it!

- You saw what?

- Cora, it was... it
was a big old man,

he was walking
like a natural man.

- What?
- Cora, it was out there!

It was big and it was brown,
and it smelled like sewage.

- What was out there?

- Cora, I don't
know what it was!

He just kept chasing me,
and he was calling my name!

- Calling your name?
- MR. BROWN: Yes.

- What... what?
- It was awful, Cora.

It smelled like...

- Like... like what?

- It smelled like... like him!

- Would you stop it, Mr. Brown?

- No, Cora!
- What?

- Wait, wait, let me explain.

- Nah, you ain't gotta
explain nothing to me.

- CORA: Oh.
- Y'all trying to get us

to invest in a haunted house,
and I'm... I'm not finna do it.

- Mr. Brown?
- Nah, Cora.

Cora, it was awful.

It was ugly, it was
like looking in a...

- Looking in the mirror.

- Nah, it was like
looking at your mama.

- You don't even know your mama.

- Nah.
- Oh hell, boy, that's it.

That's it. No.

- Hold on, Grandpa Vinny,
please.

- Would you two...
- No!

- Would you two please stop it?

Ooh, now look, if we gonna
be in business together,

y'all gotta stop all this
fussing and cussing!

- In business?
- Yes.

- Yah! We gonna be in business
together?

- Yes, we gonna do it.
- Ah-ha!

That's wonderful!

So, you gonna do it?
- Yes, we are.

- Oh that's so wonderful! Ah!

Oh, thank you so much!

- ♪

- Cora, I'm not doing nothing
with no monster out there.

- Let me explain.
- Okay.

- That's Jeremy.

- Oh, so y'all
naming the monster?

So y'all already knew... y'all
telling us y'all already knew.

Cora, it's a conspiracy.

They trying to get our money.

- No, no.

He was cleaning the
septic tank, okay?

- Oh, okay.
- Yes.

And it exploded on him.

- It exploded on him?
- Yeah.

- Oh no!

- What?

- I think I ran over him.

- What?
- You what?

- I ran over him.

- You did what?

- I ran over him.

- What are you saying?

- I think I ran over him.

- Are you serious, Mr. Brown?

- I'm serious.
I think I ran over him.

- Got to be kidding me.

- I was scared.

'Cause, see, he came to
me, and he said, "Uh!"

When I be scared, my foot go
like that, and I buh, wrrah!

And I hit it.

And he said, "Uh." - Mr. Brown.

- And I felt bubu-bu-buh-bu.

And he... he hit the windshield,
and he slid down.

And then I heard, "Errrr."

- Mr. Brown, no.
- Yeah.

- You hit him?

- No, no, no.

I ran over him.

- Mister...

- There is a difference.

- You ran over him
twice and backed up?

- I wanted to make sure
he wasn't gonna get us.

- Mr. Brown.
- I'm looking after us!

It ain't about you, it ain't
about you, it's about us!

We in business!

That monster could have kept
us from being in business.

- That is not a monster!

That's my husband!

- You don't seem too
concerned about him.

You still right here.

- Mr. Brown!

- She got insurance though?

- We got good insurance.

- If you love him, you
would have been gone.

And you still standing there.

- I am in shock.

- Now you thinking, "What's
love got to do with it?"

I know what you thinking.

- She ain't charge, she won't
touch his stank a*s.

- Watch your mouth!

- He is a stank a*s.

- I'm gonna pray the Lord shut
up your tongue

if you keep cussing.

- He already shut up his hand.

- ♪

- ♪

- ♪