Pickleball Murders, The (2024)

[bunniefuu]

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

Blow term, blow term,

blow term, blow term

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

[Sassy] Yo, this is pickleball,

the fastest growing sport in America.

A game that teaches you white folks

how to bounce back from failure

and how to use that

mystical seven foot wide area

on either side of the

net to your advantage,

which for some reason

two numbed up brothers call "The kitchen."

I mean, really, b*tch, you cooking?

Anyway, like I was saying, it's a game,

which teaches you to not pop

the g*dd*mn ball up in the air,

but if you do,

well, fortunately it's

basically a big a*s Wiffle ball,

but tell that to the guy who

just ate his dink for lunch,

and has ball marked semi-permanently

indented into his dumb-a*s forehead.

But apart from the open play,

there's a much darker underworld brewing

just below the clay tile surface here.

A world in which this inherently fun game

has become much more deadly.

Sounds like a good a*s movie I'd watch.

These are "The Pickleball Murders", b*tch!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

Hello?

Over here.

You got a paddle?

Yeah.

In my bag.

I was just hoping

someone would help me

understand what I'm doing here.

You want someone

else to help you understand

what you are doing here?

I guess.

Yeah, that sounds stupid

when you say it out loud.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's why I said it.

Well, look, I just got this note

telling me to show up here,

and I haven't seen anyone

around until I saw you.

(Trish hits the ball with the paddle)

My point!

I was not ready.

I didn't know we were... Playing?

Yeah, no, I asked, if you had a paddle?

Are you ready for the spin cycle?

A what?

The spin cycle.

Keep that sh*t on high.

Oh, totally, I get it.

(upbeat music)

Oh!

(upbeat music)

Down the middle solves the riddle.

Totally, nice shot!

- Trish.

- Ah, I'm Chaz.

- Bonner, right?

- Yeah.

2019 APA Player of the Year?

Trish Lawless.

I saw you playing in Fairfax,

you put on some weight.

Oh, I've been eating my feelings.

Yeah, thanks for noticing.

Wait, Trish Lawless as in

PPA's Arizona Cup winner?

Oh, I thought I'd recognize that smash.

If it's high, I make him cry.

(Chaz chuckling)

I got the same letter, by the way.

Yeah, so any idea what we're doing here?

(Chong applauding)

(somber music)

He Kai, He Kai!

Who the hell is this guy?

I have no clue.

Hi there, my name is Chaz, this is Trish.

Can I assume this is your house?

Well, welcome.

Okay, I see, this is his house.

He is probably the guy

that sent us the letters.

Okay.

Hey, what does that mean, He Kai?

It means to gain the

approval of the audience,

or to be a k*ller of someone famous.

Well, Lucy translated, of course.

Wow!

That's a big difference.

Hey, I know some Mandarin Chinese myself.

Check this out.

Who you hiding?

Why you munching?

No, nothing.

Okay, just tell us what

we're doing here then.

Hey, why don't you just come inside?

The others are already waiting.

(somber music)

(Trish sighs)

(intense music)

Sorry about the mess, cleaning lady died.

Wait, she died?

You know what, sucks to be me, right?

She didn't die in the house, did she?

Well, we are not entirely sure.

You see, no one really found her body yet.

So maybe, who knows?

This place is nice.

Hey, can I get you anything to drink?

Water, soda, Sun AD,

(Chong sniffing)

Cocaine?

I'm sorry, did you say cocaine?

Cocaine, no, of course, not.

We don't have those stuff here,

unless you really want it.

Water stein.

Yeah, water.

(Trish catching water bottle)

(Chaz catching water bottle)

So are you gonna tell

us what we're doing here?

Well, pickleball tournament, of course.

- What else?

- I'm sorry.

Did you say, a pickleball tournament?

Yeah.

Did you read the letter I sent you?

Yeah, I did, it said

nothing about a tournament.

- Are you sure?

- Positive.

Look, it says, "Follow

your pickleball dreams,

meet here or don't.

Chong."

And there's like a

hand-drawn map of some sort.

sh**t, I must have

sent you the wrong letter.

My assistant died last week.

English is my second language.

Wait, what?

So is there a prize?

Prize?

Yeah, what do we get if we win?

(Chong's alarm ringing)

Oh, sh**t, look at the time.

Time for Chong to get changed.

I'll tell you tonight, but what,

let me slip into something more

appropriate for the company,

and when I return, all your

question will be answered.

Okay?

Good, todos!

Hey, cocaine, still in the fridge.

I don't want any cocaine.

I wanna know what's for dinner?

Ah, yeah, I don't know.

Hmm.

You do get the joke though, right?

Why are you munching?

No, I get it.

Just it's a little racially

insensitive. (Chuckling)

(Trish sighing)

Oh, (chuckling) please,

get outta the kitchen.

Oh, (chuckling) I totally get that.

Stupid!

(rooster crowing)

(playful music)

Ladies and gentlemen, once again,

welcome to my humble abode.

This place is f*cking nice!

Do you mind if I ask what

has set you back there, Chang?

Maybe it's nicer than your double-wide.

[Chaz] It's Chong.

Huh?

You called him Ching, his name is Chong.

On the line, on the line.

Woo, hmm!

Yeah, one more thing there, Chang,

I don't eat no panda, elephant,

or whatever the f*ck

you trying to even think

it's funny to watch as blue bloods eat.

Blue?

Get blue.

You think our blood is

red, you f*cking idiot!

I got two weeks of community college

under this fanny pack, you d*ck weed!

Gotcha, my apologies.

Do you always smoke at the table?

Yeah, I do.

I f*cking fart, I smoke, and I spit,

and if the mood strikes me just right,

I just might bend over and

wink at you with my brown eye.

Is that okay with you, darling?

- I'm good.

- On the line.

On the line.

Woo, eh, huh, ugh!

You said that already, man!

He's got Tourette's, he can't help it.

Yeah, I got Tourette's too.

Hear ye, hear ye.

(Teresa farting)

Well, I've lost my appetite.

What's up with this guy?

What about him?

Gary Cooper, the strong,

silent type. (Chuckling)

Oh, don't tell me none of

you watched "The Sopranos"?

(Steve mumbling)

(Chong laughing)

That's Soft Serve

Steve, a man of few words.

He prefer to let his play on the court

to do the talking for him.

I don't know about

all you, m*therf*ckers,

but when I hear the word "Soft Serve",

my mind races elsewhere.

- Here we go.

- What?

I can't be the only one thanking it,

you might as well just

call him Limp d*ck Larry,

Or Phoenix Fred.

Herey-herey-woop!

Or Dingle Foot Dave. (Chaz laughing)

What's a dingle foot?

It's when your toes

are shaped like a p*nis.

Oh!

Totally I knew that.

All right guys, enough!

Why don't you let me explain to you

why I have all of you here today?

As I look around this table,

I see a plethora of pickleball champion:

Trailer Park Teresa, eight-time

Palestine Pro M champion;

Larry Lobstopper, six-time APA all-star,

and three-time MPPA MVP;

Trish Lawless, two-time Point champion,

and last year PPA Arizona Cup winner;

Tony Tourettes... Whoop!

2023 New Jersey Player of the Year;

Steve "Soft Serve" Roberts,

this year APA point leaders

and two-time tournament of

Boss Championship winner.

Hmm!

Hmm!

Hmm!

Um, something wrong?

No, no, you just forgot me.

Well, of course, Chaz b*ner.

Bonner, it's Bonner.

Chaz Bonner, APA Rookie of the Year,

and 2019 Player of the Year.

- You've gained some weight.

- Thanks.

Now that we all know

who is who, the rules.

Game is to play for three points,

single tournament only, and no doubles.

Sudden death rules always.

The seeding?

Did everybody eat your appetizer?

The spring rolls were

like actually delicious.

Well, (chuckling) your seed number

may have got into your first course.

(Chong chuckling)

Surprise!

So how the f*ck do we

know what number we are?

Well, I guess you have to wait

for eight hours to find out.

Like for Teresa, hers

is already halfway out.

Lick my f*cking split, Lobstopper!

Let's split, lick my split!

Woo, hmm!

Chong, it's getting a little ridiculous.

Yeah, what if you don't have my brand

of coffee in the morning?

Yeah, and I'm partial about toilet.

Well, don't worry,

I may have put some Ex-Lax in your water,

just to help you out.

(Chong chuckling)

What do we win?

Single tournament, means the last men

or women standing win,

hmm, $10 million.

(Chaz laughing)

Oh, you don't believe me!

Well, I may have the money right here.

Ta-Ta!

(gong beating)

Chong, what the hell is that?

You said $10 million.

Well, that is $10 million.

That is a thumb drive.

Well, no, Sherlock!

You win a tournament, I

gave you the thumb drive

along with the Cayman Island

offshore account password.

Easy-peasy wheelers.

(Chong's alarm ringing)

Oops!

Look at the time!

Time for Chong to catch some Z's.

I need my 13 hours.

So that's it?

Yeah, that's it.

You go to sleep, you sh*t out

your number in the morning,

and meet me on the court.

Okay?

(speaker sighing)

(Chong chuckling)

Good night!

Keep your butthole tight.

(Chong laughing)

Someone has to check

if he is a sexual predator.

[Sassy] All right, now listen up,

before all you

pickleball-obsessed m*therf*ckers

start writing the film,

producers let us about how the rules,

that funky little Asian fella

just explained aren't real,

and how they'd be

faking all that sh*t, chill!

Sassy Arasida is here to

explain pickleball scoring,

according to Chong.

(upbeat music)

Here to help me explain how

this year pickleball tournament

is gonna work is trashy Teresa.

It's Trailer Park Teresa.

[Sassy] That's what I said.

And honey, drop the attitude,

I don't play that sh*t.

Anyway, here to help

this backwards trophy wife

is this dummy.

I know, right?

Literally this is a dummy.

Anyway, the game is pretty much played

as it normally would be

except in sudden death strong rules.

We play the best of three.

Serve it, girl!

(upbeat music)

(Teresa serving ball)

See there, the dummy standing there,

like a stupid a*s dummy

letting the ball drop

right past him and sh*t,

so Trailer Park gets the point.

So now the score is one to nothing.

Go on TP, do your thing.

(upbeat music)

(Teresa serving ball)

Stupid dummy, at least get a paddle!

Another point for Trailer Park.

And that's it, folks.

First player with the two points wins.

You get it?

I know it's not how

the real game is played,

but dude, it's a movie.

By the way, nice fanny pack, TP!

Anyway, back to Chaz Bonner, Trish Lawless,

and the rest of the g*ng.

Hey!

Hey!

Some dinner, huh?

Yeah, it was interesting.

So my room is at the end of the hall.

(Trish chuckling)

Good night, fatty!

I'm not that fat.

(Trish sighing)

I mean, what do you think about all this?

- Which part?

- Chong, the $10 million.

[Tony] $10 million.

- Good night, Tony!

- Good night, Tony!

[Tony] Whoop, eh!

(Chaz sighing)

- Jesus!

- My God!

I mean, how do we know

the thumb drive isn't just blank,

or the only thing on it is like two girls

and one cup. (Chaz laughing)

What is that?

(chuckling) What?

Better see him right here right now.

Dude, two girls, one cup.

Let him through.

Just let him through.

(sighing) What's up, honey?

Hey, I'm getting older.

(upbeat music)

What is that?

It's this gross video,

it's a precise point.

No, well, it's a lot of money,

and this house is pretty awesome.

So I say we just show up

tomorrow morning on the court,

sh*t out our numbers and

take the game as it comes.

The day I hit my first earning,

(Chaz chuckling)

I fell in love with the game.

(upbeat music)

Yeah, me too.

All right, b*ner! (Sighing)

Bonner. (Trish chuckling)

- Good talk.

- Yeah.

I'll see you in the morning.

Yeah.

Oh!

Thank you for that surprise.

(upbeat music)

Jesus!

(playful music)

Hi!

You smell Etherealki.

Hmm!

Not in a good way.

(upbeat music)

No wait, I need to go!

(upbeat music)

(Teresa farting)

[Tony] $10 million, whoop!

(Chaz sighing)

(Chaz hitting the ball on

the net with the paddle)

(upbeat music)

(Thunder and lightning striking)

(upbeat music)

Nice serve, Bonner!

What are you doing here, Lobstopper?

I'll play you for her.

Play for who?

You know who.

(upbeat music)

(Chaz and Larry playing pickleball)

(upbeat music)

(Chaz and Larry playing pickleball)

(upbeat music)

That was out, Bonner?

That was in.

Oh, you're gonna walk away?

You gonna walk away, huh?

Because you got beat by Fatty,

Fatty f*cking Magoo!

(upbeat music)

Okay.

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

Oh, I feel it!

Come on!

Oh, come on!

Be good!

Oh, which number did you work for?

Come on!

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

Oh God!

Oh, oh, the Joe means plug meal.

Ooh!

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

Oh (mumbling)

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

No, it's too much, it's too much.

Oh (mumbling) come on, Chaz!

Last name is a b*ner.

Oh, your last name is a b*ner.

Oh, God!

Oh, so much cheese and sugar (mumbling)

Oh God!

There I go.

No, no, f*ck!

Oh God!

Oh, I feel like a volleyball.

Oh, God!

Oh, please!

Oh, I don't need to

know what my seeding is.

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

Oh, it's logs.

Logs just kind of sh*t.

Damn, (mumbling) a happy place.

On the chord.

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

Hmm, oh, oh, it's coming.

(Chaz defecating in toilet)

Oh, it's just gas!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- Are you all right?

- I am so constipated.

Pickleball, two word,

as synonymous as Grand

Canyon and RuPaul Drug Race.

Are you sure, Pickleball

is one word and RuPaul...

Eh, forget it!

A game that is so complicate to master

that it take not only extreme skill,

but discipline to outsmart your opponents.

I'm sorry, dispin?

Yeah, what pin you're talking about?

Discipline.

Discipline.

As I was saying...

What was I saying?

Goddammit, when did that happen?

Anyway, you got your

shitty piece of numbers?

All right, read aloud.

Numero uno, b*tches!

Two.

Three.

Four, four, four, eeah, whoop!

Five.

That makes me six.

All right, I guess the game is set.

First up, number one

seed, first is number six.

Trailer Park Teresa versus Chaz b*ner.

It's Bonner!

That's what I just say.

Okay, warm-up on the court in five.

(upbeat music)

You all right?

Oh, (farting) I'm fine.

- Hmm.

- Are you sure?

You look a little weird!

Nope, I'm fine.

It's just, it's nervousness, I promise.

Okay. (Chaz sighing)

Look, I need you to stay in the game.

I know you somewhat,

which is more than I can

say for these freak shows.

Yeah.

(sighing) So from what I can remember,

Teresa can't backpedal well,

so if you get in the open,

dink it over her head,

and she'll have trouble

getting back on her heels.

Yeah? (Chaz sighing)

Yeah, yeah.

So we can trust Chong,

and so we stick together.

Okay?

Okay.

- Hey!

- Hey!

Drive, drop, dink!

- Yeah.

- Repeat it.

God, okay.

Drive, drop, dink.

Yeah, heard.

You got this.

Thanks.

You as likewise as well.

(Chaz farting)

Goddammit!

Oh!

(Chaz sighing)

(upbeat music)

(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)

(thrilling music)

Oh, it's... (laughing)

(laughing) That's a Delio, b*ner!

That is the grossest

thing I've ever heard.

But I'm ready, let's go.

You f*ck!

(upbeat music)

(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)

(thrilling music)

Oh, game is now one to one.

Next one win.

(upbeat music)

(Teresa and Chaz playing pickleball)

(upbeat music)

(Teresa falling down)

h*-h*!

Winner, Chaz Bonner!

(Chaz rejoicing

triumphantly) (Chong laughing)

Yes, and the winner is Chaz Bonner.

Woo!

(Chaz laughing)

Thanks.

Yeah.

- Hey, are you all right?

- Huh!

Uh!

- You all right?

- You good?

Let me get that.

(mumbling) blow on it.

Blow on, oh yeah.

Hey, you gave me, all right?

Eat my a*s!

- Okay.

- I'm damaged fruit, f*ck!

Excuse me, darling!

Yeah, (mumbling)

- Bye from me, Chong!

- No, no, no, no!

(Chong sh**ting Teresa with a g*n)

Chong, what are you doing?

(players exclaiming)

She's gone!

Oh my God!

(Teresa farting)

I think she sh*t her pants. (Chaz retching)

It happens sometimes.

That's all she always smells.

(Teresa's defecating) (Chaz retching)

(Trish exclaiming)

Oh God! (Steve sighing)

[Chong] You all know the rules.

[Trish] This isn't funny, Chong!

Yeah?

What do you think I meant

when I say "sudden death"?

(Chong's cell phone ringing)

- Oh, right there.

- Phone ringing.

(Chong chuckling) Cell phone ringing.

Lunch ready.

Who is hungry?

I'm making panini.

Oh, f*ck this!

- I'm leaving!

- No, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chong, Chong, you can't just k*ll people!

Don't do this!

Oh yeah!

Guess what, I just did.

Beside what do you care?

You want that $10 million, don't you?

Not if it means you

have to k*ll people to get it.

What are you a hero now, you fat-a*s?

We're leaving, Chong!

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Maybe this is a good

time for me to tell you,

your seed number and the only thing cooked

into your delicious egg roll last night

this toxin racing through your

body right now as we speak.

Trying to leave?

I use this,

a chemical reactor

that sends all your

asses to cardiac arrest.

So what is it going to be?

Stay and finish the damn tournament,

or everybody gone bye, bye, bye?

How long is the toxin in our system for?

(chuckling) Not long, three or four days.

Three or four days!

He's got us by the ba*ls.

That's lady ball!

Come on, lunch getting cold.

Someone grab the damn headband.

Me like it!

What do we do now?

We need to get the g*n from him.

Even if we get the g*n,

he still has the detonator.

Someone should call the police.

- What?

- It's Steve.

Remember he doesn't speak.

Okay, so we need the g*n

- and the detonator, yeah?

- Yeah.

Y'all will be quiet?

I say we play along.

[Chaz] And what about Teresa?

There's nothing we can do about that now.

I say one of us tries to

sneak off during next match.

And what, going to cardiac arrest?

Yeah, if Chong catches

any of us trying to sneak off,

he could fly out the handle

and k*ll us all anyway.

(Chaz sighing)

Who plays next?

If we go by the seeding, me and Larry.

Okay, I say, we go in the house,

have some lunch,

and just figure out some

sort of plan that makes sense.

The two of you have to

put on a hell of a match

and make it last.

Neither of you can lose, yeah?

Panini, panini, chicken pesto.

Eh, uh, hmm!

Exactly!

Is everyone good?

Good?

As good as we can be until

we figure something else out.

(upbeat music)

Got it, got it!

Whoop!

(upbeat music)

(laughing) Ladies and gentlemen,

next up we have Trish Lawless

versus Larry Lobstopper.

Champion choices,

champion, this gotta be good.

(upbeat music)

And remember, if you

lose, your a*s is canned.

Ready?

Ready.

Ready.

All right, let's pickleball, b*tches!

Okay, so make sure they

have a good volley going,

and that Chong is distracted by the play.

Okay?

I'll sneak in the house and

find a phone or something.

I was thinking (indistinct) you, b*ner!

All right, okay.

Thank you.

(upbeat music)

Good.

Score is Larry Lobstopper

one, Trish serve. (Laughing)

Time out, Chong!

Time out. (Chong sighing)

Time out.

Larry, what the hell, man?

This is not part of the plan,

you're supposed to keep the game going

for as long as possible.

To hell with that.

If she wins, I die.

That's a risk I'm not willing to take.

(Chaz mumbling)

Oh!

Um, he's in it for himself.

He's afraid if he loses,

Chong will bust a cap in his a*s.

He said that?

More or less.

Yeah, look, the deal is,

you gotta give me some

time with this next point.

And the only way to do that, sudden death.

- Yeah?

- Got it.

Just make it last as long as you can.

The lipstick looks great by the way.

Thanks, I like yours too.

Chong is bored.

Come on, let's paddle.

(upbeat music)

(Larry and Trish playing pickleball)

Whoop!

Eh!

(eerie music)

Oh!

(Chaz sighing)

I'm not that fatty.

(eerie music)

Oh, it's (mumbling)

(Chaz retching)

(mumbling) doesn't have a phone.

(suspenseful music)

Ooh! (Eerie music)

Do you know why she's dead?

She's dead.

(somber music)

(upbeat music)

Holy sh*t, Lawless got the point.

This sh*t is getting good! (Chuckling)

Real good!

(upbeat music)

Chaz!

(eerie music)

God, Jesus, Chong!

God, you scared me!

What are you doing here?

All the actions are outside on the court.

Right, I just had to use the bathroom.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

What's wrong with the one in your room?

Nothing, it's really nothing.

I did run out of toilet paper though.

I really have to go.

Ooh, number two.

Yep.

- Why don't you say so?

- Oh!

- Use mine, I got a bidet!

- A bidet!

Great!

(playful music)

There's nothing like a fresh clean a*s.

Mm-hmm, and you better hurry.

Next point wins.

You don't want to miss the loser get shot.

Get shot!

No, I don't wanna miss that at all.

I'm actually really excited for that part.

- All right then.

- So.

- Go.

- Excuse me.

(playful music)

Thank you.

Tight games.

The match is now one to one.

Remember, next point win.

Lawless, you'll serve.

This is it, Lawless!

Didn't have to be this way, Larry.

I don't lose, not when

there's this much on the line.

[Trish] Don't lob it.

I never do.

(upbeat music)

(Trish and Larry playing pickleball)

h*-h*!

Game set, match.

Hmm, so sad.

I don't like that hair, Backstreet Boy!

No, Chong, no!

(Chong sh**ting Larry with g*n)

Well, I guess that concludes today game,

tomorrow we start early.

Well, not too early.

Tony Tourettes, you and Soft Serve are up.

(playful music)

Everybody get some rest.

Be sure to attend the

breakfast. (Chuckling)

I do have a waffle machine

look just like a Mickey Mouse.

(playful music)

Night, night!

Don't make a pillow fight. (Chuckling)

(playful music)

Hey!

What the hell happened?

I don't know, I couldn't find a phone,

and then Chong just found me.

$10 million are not

much worth this, I can take.

Trish!

Trish!

Me neither!

Come on, man!

Not you too?

Whoop!

Guys, guys!

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

Blow term, blow term, blow

term, blow term, blow term

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

No play, no time

Assistant turn blow blind

Blow term, blow term,

blow term, blow term

(upbeat music)

(Chaz knocking door)

Come in.

Can I come in?

- You already are.

- Um

Just shut the door behind you.

How are you feeling?

There's banana splits downstairs.

I don't want Chong's banana split.

Look, about today, I'm sorry.

I tried.

I am.

Doesn't matter.

(upbeat music)

I think I have another plan.

Again?

Well, okay, one that

might actually work this time.

Okay, what is it?

It's complicated,

and I'm not sure you're gonna like it.

Okay, go on.

Well, Steve and Tony play each other

first tomorrow, right?

One of them loses,

and then it's you and me

against the winner in the finals.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We have to make sure we

are the last two players standing.

Okay, but how is that possible?

I mean, you said it yourself.

Either one of us plays Soft Serve or Tony.

Yeah, but that can't happen, okay?

So look, Chong said we have three

or four days until this poison

kinda clears out of

our bodies, or whatever.

It's been about two days.

So that means if we can both

survive just two more days,

it'll be you and me in the finals,

and then that means we'll be 2-1-1.

And the detonator will

be out of the equation.

Exactly!

Okay.

But for that to happen,

both Tony and Steve

would have to lose, how?

Doubles.

What?

I mean, Chong specifically

said singles, no doubles.

Yeah, just leave that part up to me.

Look, you and me facing

off against each other

in the finals,

by then the detonator will be useless,

and I'll hatch up another plan

to help us escape this place.

Yeah?

Are you sure about this?

Uh, I am.

I mean, as much as (Trish sighing)

I can be anyway.

Besides what choice do I have?

(upbeat music)

Well, where are you going now?

To convince Chong to change

the rules for tomorrow's game.

[Speaker] With a bad reputation,

that sometimes gets away, which should be.

That's a direct quote from

this morning's newspaper.

[Speaker] Thank you for the sharing.

I'm quite flattered.

[Speaker] That's what

the angry people of this town

think about you, doc.

- Oh!

- Good God!

Good God! (Chong laughing)

Gotcha!

It's not God,

it's me, Chong Soo.

Obviously, I know that, Chong, yeah.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah.

Sit.

- What's up?

- Carry on.

Can't sleep?

You wanna rub it off for you?

No, I'm good.

Oh, still hungry?

I got some pineapple hummus.

No, really I'm fine.

(chuckling) Still have

that blow, if you want it.

No, Chong, I don't want any drugs

or whatever you're talking about,

I just wanted to ask you something.

So I'm gonna sh*t the bed.

Talk!

I just wanted

to ask you to reconsider

changing the rules for tomorrow's game.

What rules?

[Chaz] Doubles.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, I want Trish and I to play Steve

and Tony in a doubles match tomorrow.

Now before you say no,

hear me out.

Okay?

So the other night you were talking

about how you were dining

amongst a plethora of champions,

which you were right about, (chuckling)

But the fact of the matter is,

none of us have won jack

squat in the doubles match.

Look, if you got a

point, get there faster.

We're all singles champions.

(chuckling) Yeah, I know sh*t, and?

But doubles is more aggressive.

You have to cover the center window.

Why not put all four of us to the test?

You seem to enjoy watching the matches.

This will really force

us to amp up our game.

[Speaker] You were born in Georgia?

Hmm.

Lawless and Bonner on

the same side of the net.

Chong is intrigued.

I tell you what, lemme sleep on it,

you'll have my answer in the morning.

But I can guarantee to you this.

If I find out this is

some kind of immunity,

(somber music)

I k*ll all of you tomorrow,

your girlfriend first.

(somber music)

Huh!

(eerie music)

I dunno.

(eerie music)

So?

I don't know, I guess

we'll find out in a minute.

- You look great, by the way.

- Thanks.

Are those children's sunglasses?

Morning, morning!

So slight change of plans today.

Last night I was just laying in bed,

blew the biggest load,

and it got me thinking,

why not play in doubles today?

Doubles, doubles, whoop, eeh!

Really put your

pickleball skill to the test,

don't you think?

Pair up, let me see what you got.

Well, Chong does not like

what he is seeing right now.

Shante, that way!

Yes, you.

You, the other side.

Much better.

Let's do this, b*tches!

Go!

What the hell is this, Chaz?

I don't know.

This isn't what we discussed.

Hey, hey, hey, less

chatting, more paddle,

Chong is bored.

(upbeat music)

Pickleball!

Service!

(upbeat music)

(Tony, Steve, Trish and

Chaz playing pickleball)

(upbeat music)

Point.

(upbeat music)

Point.

What the hell was that?

I won't do it.

He'll k*ll us, if you don't play.

What does it matter?

Either way we die.

Trish, don't do this!

Hey, what's the hold up?

Tony Tourettes, your ball.

(upbeat music)

(Tony, Steve, Trish and

Chaz playing pickleball)

Point.

Dammit, Chaz!

Really?

What?

You know what, Chaz?

Cut the sh*t!

You can play that game.

If you go down, I go down too.

(chuckling) Love the score.

I like it. (Chuckling)

Now we both have to play, like it or not.

(upbeat music)

(Tony, Steve, Trish and

Chaz playing pickleball)

(upbeat music)

Hoo-hoo, that's the point!

Lawless and Soft Serve for the W.

No one saw that coming.

Chaz!

It's okay really, it's fine.

Just promise me you'll

make it outta here alive,

$10 million or not, okay?

Okay.

(Chong sh**ting Steve)

(Chong sh**ting Tony)

(somber music)

(Trish sighing)

Chong!

What the hell, man?

I know, right?

- Surprise!

- But why?

Because right here, Chong make the rules,

not Lawless, not Bonner.

(playful music)

So what does this mean for us?

Now we go inside and have a little chat.

(playful music)

Chong Soo,

in Chinese it means

a man who play with

integrity and gratitude.

A name that my father passed on to me

as part of our Qing dynasty language,

a time when Mongol horsemen ruled China.

Something you do not know about me is

that in my country I was

simply the most distinguished

and well-celebrated

pickleball player of all-time.

50 grand champion wins;

Many, many slammed victories;

And the only player that

was awarded a golden paddle

by the President, Xi Jinping, himself.

(Chaz sighing)

I was simply quite the man.

Was?

The house never beats the player,

but the player does to himself.

I start gambling all my winnings,

I start (indistinct) on Pickleball courts.

Not before long, I owned

every bookie money.

And the only way out was

to sell my golden paddle,

and flee to the dark and

dirty underbelly of pickleball.

Japan?

No, Gulf Shores, Alabama.

Over there I challenged

cruise ship, director, entertainer,

and frat boy to some pickleball games.

For what?

For some spare change.

That was a dark time of Chong's life.

Guess what?

Just like Barry Bonds or Pete Rose

or any other disgraced sports personality.

Hey, I eventually win all my winning back,

and then once again become

beloved by general public

- Yeah.

- All over again.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure

like neither of those two

guys had that happen.

Eh, tornado tomato!

The deal is, I am the best

because I beat the best.

Tomorrow you two will face off each other,

and the winner is gonna take

Chong Shoo out of retirement once again,

and face me with a one-on-one

winner takes all batch.

Chong, this is insane!

Huh, this is perfect!

APA-forbidden.

Anybody who gamble on the game

to step foot on the pickleball court.

So what do I do?

I drag all of you here to my backyard

and make you play for the ultimate prize.

But $10 million isn't the ultimate prize.

Really it's not.

No, Chong, you're k*lling people here.

You won't get away with this, Chong!

(Chong chuckling)

Then I will bring down

the best pickleball player from the world.

If I can't have what I want, no one can.

But pickleball is love

because it's a game anyone can enjoy.

You don't have to be the

best to have fun playing it.

That's the whole point of the game.

He's right, anyone can play

the sport, champion or not.

Girl, please!

That's only something a loser will say.

What do you think this game is made for,

retirement home, church retreat?

No, I'm pretty sure

that's like exactly who it was made for.

You know what?

Conversation over, Chong is bored.

One of you is gonna die tomorrow.

And remember, try anything funny,

I k*ll you in your sleep.

(eerie music)

(Chaz sighing)

Well, that went well.

Right.

Do you trust me?

Maybe.

Just come ready to play tomorrow.

I'll take care of the rest.

Hmm, what was that?

- It's a wink.

- No logic, no.

- What, what?

- Is a wink?

No, that wasn't, you're

blinking both eyes, both.

One's going, right?

- No!

- I can't wink?

Mm-hmm.

- It's so sad.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay?

(Trish sighing)

(upbeat music)

(Trish sighing)

(upbeat music)

(Chong sighing)

Game faces.

Chong like it.

Here's the deal, Chong.

You wanna pretend that you

were the best, then prove it.

Chong is the best.

I got a golden paddle, remember?

No, you sold your golden paddle

to pay off your gambling debts.

That doesn't mean anything.

You, you go play!

Give it up, Chong!

That toxin is well out

of our system by now,

and you're not gonna sh**t us.

Oh really, smarty-pant!

Let's see about that.

You are thinking

about this all wrong, man!

You were the best back then, an ocean away,

but you're also standing on

discord with the best right now.

You want that glory back?

You don't need a golden paddle,

you only need one thing.

Oh yeah, and what is that?

Play the both of us, handicap match.

(Chong chuckling)

Do I look handicap to you?

No, that's not what I meant.

You play Trish and I to one-on-one.

Hmm.

And what do I get out of this when I win?

(Chaz sighing)

If you win,

you get to k*ll us both,

and live on knowing you probably beat

six of the best pickleball

players on God's green earth.

So what's it gonna be, Chong?

The man who plays with

integrity and gratitude,

or just another washed-up pickleball player

with a story to tell

anyone who will listen.

I'll tell you what, Chaz,

you got both pickleball.

You want a handicap match?

I gave you the handicap match.

Winner takes all.

All right,

game on, Chong.

Are you sure about this?

It's a little late for second guessing.

Well, in that case.

In case this doesn't go our way.

(Chaz sighing)

(Trish kissing Chaz)

Oh!

Ew, you two get a room!

Service!

Remember, if Chong wanted soft serve,

sh**t one up for ice cream.

g*dd*mn, right!

(upbeat music)

Ball is out!

Nope, that's bullshit,

Chong, you hit the line!

Line is out.

No, line is in.

Hey, my court, my rule, lover boy!

What, you wanna give up right now?

I'm never gonna win with him

making up the rules as he goes.

Yeah, we can. (Trish sighing)

Serve the damn ball, Chong!

(Chong sighing)

(upbeat music)

(ball hitting Chong in the groin)

What, you gonna call that one out too?

(chuckling) Lucky shot!

You ain't going to be

that lucky next time, b*tch!

My serve, ball?

Hey, I'll serve.

Are you sure?

Trust me.

Chong's backhand is weak.

My serve is more spin than yours.

This point wins, make it count.

I always do.

(Chong sighing)

(upbeat music)

(Trish, Chaz and Chong playing pickleball)

(upbeat music)

Ooh!

(Chong's p*stol firing)

(Chaz sighing)

(Trish sighing)

Good game, b*tches!

I beat you fair and square, Chong!

It's over.

Of course, it's over.

Chong shot himself in his a*s.

What about the money?

(Trish sighing)

What's password?

(laughing) Golden Corral.

What?

Your password is Golden Corral?

Yeah,

Oh, all-you-can-eat.

You American are so entitled.

You're gonna have to

answer for the others, Chong!

It's okay.

(Chong groaning in pain)

Chong will be gone by then.

Oh yeah.

(Chong groaning in pain)

One more thing about my name.

What about it?

It doesn't mean a man who

play with integrity and gratitude.

What does it mean then?

Rooster?

A small c*ck,

(Chong moaning in pain)

I also have a small c*ck.

My father is an as*h*le.

(playful music)

Is he...?

He's gone.

(Trish gasping)

- Okay.

- Okay.

(Chaz sighing)

(Trish sighing)

(playful music)

What do we do now?

Uh!

Would you like to have dinner with me?

I'm buying. (Chaz chuckling)

Only thing is, you gotta pay me for it.

- Pay for what?

- The date.

(Chaz chuckling)

Good serve, Lawless!

[Sassy] Well, there

you go, a happy ending.

Well, sorta.

There's still a bunch of

dead bodies to answer for,

but you know what I mean.

This is Sassy Arasida saying

so long from Chong's backyard.

Peace, b*tches!

[Speaker] Outline Hospital, bro!

I brought the book though.

Damn!

I hate when I do this.

[Speaker] Night out, hip hop.com.

Yeah

Holy smoke, some

no joke out the bullpen

Bringing nothing but heat

Leave you hanging like closed pen

He's a beast when he goes in

Ice cold frozen

The first round draft

pick number one chosen

Truck bombs expl*si*n

A self-promotion

And I keep sh*t moving

like a flanker in motion

I'm the number one spokesman

It's my devotion that I'm

dedicated to the rhyme

It's my own notion

Round one is the potion

It put hammer on your chest

Or you could put one in the urn there

To put you to rest

Sweet dreams

I'm about to fade

I got my mind, all my money in

I'm dreaming about

getting the soul paid

Mr. Go Getter,

Mr. Assertive, Mr. Initiative

Geez

Mr. Results, man, I'm

all about my business, kid

Damn

I mean, need I say more?

I mean, what more can I say?

You know the play

Back for the last time

This time I mean that

I did a lot of shows, but

you ain't never seen that

I did a lot of battles

I ain't even have to win it

I hit them with the song

They ain't even trying to spin it

I took a lot of pictures

What the f*ck!

I ain't in it

But when I hit the mic, I crash

Y'all did it

I did a lot of promo

Did a lot of interviews

Y'all getting hated and

a lot have been accused

What else?

Misunderstood and ridiculed

What else?

Acting like I ain't

never been to school

sh*t

How soon they forget

I stood the test of time

But why now she, yeah

Best is yeah

Best that, uh-huh

Won this one that will k*ll tracks

Hey

Videos with the city

in the back in the sun

Rooftop and the diamond in the hair

Hey

Videos with the city in

the back in the sun rooftop

Yeah.

Yeah, no, actually,

that's six months of Viagra

and three months of pre-ejaculation wipes.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, that's it.

And when you say discrete packaging,

what do you mean by that exactly?

Because the last bag

you sent was very phallic.

It had like a limp d*ck drawn on it, it

(Ching chuckling)

Surprise!

(Chaz dropping mobile phone)

Chong!

I'm not Chong, I'm Ching.

Wait, your name is Ching?

Yeah.

Your name is Ching and

your brother's name is Chong?

My parents are real assholes.

I'm sure when they named us,

they just dropped all the bowls

and pans to see how they sound.

I am Ching, my twin brother is Chong,

and you are the one who k*lled him.

What, wait, wait!

I didn't k*ll your brother.

(Ching chuckling)

I promise.

Chong basically held

us hostage in his house

and forced us to play pickleball.

And then when he lost,

he slipped and fell back

and the g*n kind of went...

He shot himself in his as*h*le.

Oh yeah, I'm sure that happens.

No, that's the truth.

I promise, you have my word.

(Ching chuckling)

You will reject to me.

Where are the $10 million right now?

Yeah.

Trish, one of the other players,

she took it to the police,

so no one has Chong's money,

it's gone.

Well, sh*t!

Ching, for what it's worth,

I am really, really sorry about Chong,

but he had some issues.

I mean, did you know he

railed lines like Elton John?

The man was an Asian Keith Richards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what?

We should do something to honor Chong Soo.

Honor!

How?

Pickleball tournament!

No!

No, no, no, no way, man!

I'm not going through that sh*t again.

Did you know,

I have not been able to

get hard-on in a month,

much less play competitive match?

Dude, that sounds

like a personal problem.

(chuckling) And funny,

your name is Chaz b*ner.

It's Bonner!

It's Bonner.

That's what I just say, Chaz Bonner.

This time we play for the ultimate prize.

- Again?

- Come again?

(Chaz sighing)

No, it's just, last time Chong said,

the ultimate prize was $10 million too.

Anyway, continue.

This time we play for

Chong's golden paddle.

I thought Chong sold his golden paddle

to pay off his gambling debts.

He did, but lucky for Ching,

I know exactly where to find it,

but first we may have to go steal it.

Steal!

Ching, no, I cannot do this!

Of course, you can!

Come now, we got a long flight to catch.

Flight!

To where?

The birthplace of Ching and Chong.

We're going to China!

(Ching laughing)

(upbeat music)

(airplane rotary engine buzzing)

(airplane humming)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)