03x04 - Wedding Bouquet, $125

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.

- Hey.

Come on in. We're just setting up.

- Lulu, calm down.

- I am calm.

Connor, you drive like a maniac.

Hell yeah, I do.

Big announcement, people.

So exciting a chapter

from "Home Economics"

is in this month's "Harper's Magazine."

Oh, big publicity win for the company.

Would've been cooler if it was

in "Hoopers" magazine, though.

What's "Hoopers"?

It's a magazine for people

who own basketball teams?

Keep up, Tom.

What chapter did they go with?

Uh, the one where we got married.

"Bride the comes here"?

Bad news, they printed

the title backwards.

Oh, you would get it

if you were at their wedding.

Why is there an illustration

of a crying bride?

Yeah, isn't this supposed

to be like the happiest day

of your life?

It was

I mean, eventually.

- Well, that's not great.

- Ah, it can't be that bad.

They're not even using the siren.

Oh, boy.

Steady, Tommy.

Don't want to impale

you on your big day.

I don't play favourites

with my children.

- But if I did

- Oh, come on, Mum.

No one's keeping score around here.

My first book is coming out.

We bought a house.

I wasn't gonna tell you

guys yet, but I did it.

I quit my copywriting job at Myspace

to focus full time on fiction.

My son, the professional novelist.

Look out, David Baldacci.

- Oh.

- Wow, novelist, so cool.

It's like being a

college lacrosse player

Doesn't count for jack.

Connor, we go to all

of your lacrosse games.

You know, once I go pro, I'll

be making 30K a year, easy.

You're gonna have to

support him one day.

- Oh, I know.

- Sarah, it's almost time.

Shouldn't you do your hair and makeup?

I did it already.

Oh!

So where's your date?

Uh, he's around here somewhere.

Hey, hey, hey.

What! Wasabi?

Hey, Dennis.

Hello, my little butterfly sugar baby.

I keep having to track you down.

You're not trying to ditch me, are you?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm just

busy with bridesmaid stuff.

You are looking sharp, Dennis.

Thank you, Mr. H. Game recognise game.

This is Jonas Brothers

for Tuxedo Junction.

So stylish and also

financially successful.

- Mm.

- Look at the two of you,

- perfect match.

- Right?

Imagine the "babaes."

We should start tonight.

All right, well, I got a

hankerin' for a drinkerin'.

Join me at the barrio?

Let's go.

OK, Sarah, this is getting ridiculous.

Yeah, you gotta come out to Mum and Dad.

This is cray.

You've had serious girlfriends.

Well, one serious college girlfriend.

And you know how Mum is.

I mean, when I got a nose

ring, she took to her bed

for three days.

I mean, Dennis is pretty sweet.

Do not get attached, OK?

He's just here to get Mum off my back

so that everyone can enjoy the day.

Well, Marina and I did a pretty sick job

planning this wedding. I don't think

anyone's gonna

have trouble enjoying today.

Papi, can you please try

to enjoy yourself today?

Ay, sí, calm down, Roberto.

How am I supposed to calm

down when my daughter is

marrying a man who has no job?

He's a writer!

Same thing.

How is this man supposed

to support a family?

- I have a job too, Dad, remember?

- Oh, yeah.

My daughter works all

day in the law office

so Tom can stay home and

write his little stories.

That's not fair.

Some days, he doesn't

write anything at all.

Oh, por favor, mi amor.

Tom and I are gonna be fine.

Tom and I are gonna

be fine, right, Mommy?

Of course.

No, I mean, I love him so much

and I'm excited to marry him.

But if I'm being honest,

him quitting his job when he did,

right after we signed a mortgage

and paid for a wedding

What if he, you know,

doesn't make good choices?

Have faith in your choices.

You chose Tom.

No matter what bumps in the road come,

you'll handle it.

You're right, I'm just nervous.

I'm getting married.

I'm getting married.

- Que bueno!

- Well, look at you, gorgeous.

Hey.

- OK.

- Your bouquet.

Everything's set out there.

How are you feeling?

Cool, great. Perfect, Great.

- That's a lot of synonyms.

- Yeah.

Could you bring me some

water or something?

- Yeah.

- By something, I mean tequila.

- No, I assumed.

- Thank you.

So, yeah, I'm kind of the

MVP of my lacrosse team.

I'm an attorney for a petroleum company.

Word. So I bet seeing a futon in person

would be a real thrill for ya.

Uh-uh.

That's cool.

I'm an athlete, and sex can

negatively affect performance,

so try to stay away from it anyways.

What's up, man?

Let me know if you need

any jokes for the vows.

I've seen, like, every

episode of "American Dad."

Thanks, bro, but I think

I got this covered.

I'm a professional writer now.

Aren't you technically unemployed?

Aren't you technically a virgin?

Mm.

Hey, uh, I know you're

not officially open,

but could I get a shot

of tequila for the bride?

Sure. Any particular brand?

- Sarah.

- Denise.

What what are you

What are you doing here?

Catering.

Oh, right.

It's my summer job while

I'm student teaching.

- Mm-hmm.

- You?

- It's my brother's wedding.

- Wow.

So, yeah, this is so crazy.

- This is so weird.

- Yeah.

I haven't seen you since, um,

senior year, when when we

We broke up.

Right, that whole thing.

I'll take your largest beer, please.

Oh, um, we're actually not open.

And this is just for the bride.

This is also for the bride.

She told me she wanted

un grande cervezas.

No. No, no, no, no.

Why don't we head in?

The wedding's about to start.

Hey, maybe we could catch

up later, if if you

- Yeah, I do.

- OK.

- I do want to.

- OK.

All right, see you, Sarah.

Bye, Denise.

Oh, my god.

Wait, like, Denise Denise,

the girl you dated in college?

Mm-hmm, yep.

Whoa.

OK.

- This is it.

- OK.

This is it.

Mm, well, unless it's not.

Papi.

Hey, Papi, Roberto, sir.

Thank you for your daughter.

Good luck.

You look incredible.

I do.

Dearly beloved

- Oh

- What?

You good?

I mean, they said it

was just heatstroke.

As an athlete, I know

signs of poor hydration

when I see it.

Yeah, he probably

just needs to cool down.

They said they'd call us

when they're ready,

and he'll come back and marry us.

So we just wait?

Well, in three hours,

we're gonna lose this venue

to an Avatar-themed bar mitzvah.

Oh, that movie's so dank.

So, what, we're just

supposed to cancel the wedding?

We can't afford to cancel the wedding.

I just quit my job.

Oh my god, I just quit my job.

Was that a mistake?

I thought you felt good about that.

I do. I do.

I don't.

Wait, why don't you just do the party

first and the ceremony second?

Hey, buddy, uh, the adults

are talking right now.

Wait, that's actually not a bad idea.

I mean, have the reception.

And by the time it's over,

then the priest will be back.

- I mean, I don't know.

- Tom, it could work.

Everybody's already here.

And so many people

came from out of town.

No, no, no, no, look,

look, look, you know what?

We're doing a backwards wedding.

Yes!

- Tom, it's gonna to be OK.

- Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Look, as long as I'm married to

you at the end of this, then

I'm happy.

So what if it's the

opposite of everything

we planned and we're

taking advice from

- this guy.

- OK.

- OK, everybody, move.

- Yeah.

- Sarah.

- Yes.

Can you get the caterers to start early?

Sure. I'll talk to the bartender!

Just in case there's,

like, an ice situation.

Connor, think you could get

people on the dance floor?

No, I just loaded up this

Zune full of absolute bangers

for no reason.

OK.

It's gonna be great.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

No! We're not married yet.

But we've kissed many times before.

Oh, wow, well, we can serve the food,

but we're not quite ready.

So some of the courses

are gonna be out of order.

Oh, that's totally fine, 'cause out

of order is sort of the

unofficial wedding theme.

You know, I'm not supposed

to mingle with the guests.

Oh, mingling.

Is that what we're doing?

Oh, heyo, there she is.

Hi. The drinks have been great.

Thank you.

So, "Sa-rahh," since they're

doing the whole wedding

thing backwards, what say you and me

skip to the end of the date.

Oh my god.

- Uh, Denise

- It's Dennis.

What, did you get heat

stroke, there, honey pie?

Oop, b-wrapped Ds.

He means bacon-wrapped dates.

So you're dating a Dennis.

No, no, not exactly dating.

It's just that, uh,

my parents still don't know

that I'm not exactly into men.

Oh, so nothing's changed since college

when you wouldn't let

them know I existed.

- It's complicated.

- It's really not.

I should get back to work.

Oh, my god, Sarah,

you got to try this dip.

So let's put our paws

together for Tom and Marina,

just about to be married

but technically still dating.

Thanks, Dad.

Shake your money maker

And I could not be more

proud of my daughter.

And then there's Tom, who I

know would never try to start

a family in the world's

most expensive city

with a mortgage

and no steady source of income.

Because that would be crazy. Am I right?

We're all headed to the dance floor.

See you guys out there.

Yeah, you want to crank that Soulja Boy?

Yeah.

What's your screen name?

Right here, right here, right here.

OK, somebody else?

Anybody else want to get crunk?

Oh my god, I caught it!

Oh, that still counts.

Pick it up, honey.

Woo!

Well, we wanted a wedding

that nobody would forget.

No matter how hard they try.

Ah, yeah, things don't

always go as planned.

Priests collapse.

Cake is served before salmon.

They're just some bumps along the road

that we're on together, right?

Oh, sorry, I'm getting a call.

- You're gonna take it?

- It's the hospital.

Take it.

Hello?

OK.

OK. Well

let me know if anything changes.

- The priest is dead.

- What?

What up, party people?

Who wants to see me toss the B flipper?

Connor, we discussed this.

No backflips. Oh

Oh, my foot!

Not my lacrosse foot!

Ugh!

So more bumps than anticipated.

Oh, come on, this wedding is cursed.

Yeah.

Foot's definitely broken.

Athletic career is done.

Now I'll never hook up with a gymnast

in the Olympic Village.

OK, just leave your foot up, Conny.

Sarah, would you get

some more ice, please?

Sure, I'll just go talk

To the bartender.

So much for professional lacrosse.

Looks like I'm living at home forever.

I'll never get my sewing room.

Where the hell are we

supposed to find a new priest?

We have to figure something out.

We're gonna lose this venue

in the next 40 minutes.

Well, hey, I could officiate.

I'm an ordained online minister.

That's right. He married our neighbour's

Shih Tzus in the backyard.

It was adorable.

Oh, thanks, but my dad's already

upset that we're

getting married outdoors

instead of a church.

So if we don't have a

priest, he will not be happy.

Well, he's already unhappy.

I mean, he hates me.

- No, Tom, he doesn't hate you.

- No.

You know, what If he's right?

You know, what if I suck?

I make terrible choices.

I mean, quitting my job right

after we bought a house

It's like, what is that?

That's, like, insane, right?

No. I mean, maybe?

Oh, my god, this is worse

than the frickin' dog wedding.

No, Tom, where are you going?

I hope your brother's OK.

Denise, believe me, I wanted

to come out to my parents.

I did.

I I wanted to be this person for you.

I didn't want you to do anything for me.

I wanted this for you.

Well, the moment just

never presented itself.

- Sarah.

- Unless that moment is now.

How long does it take to get ice?

Two white wine spritzers, please.

Uh, Mum, I want to tell you something.

I want to tell you something.

We are planning a family

trip to Boca Raton,

and I have already invited Dennis.

- Mum.

- What? What is it?

- This is Denise.

- I know.

I can read her name tag.

Thank you, Bernice.

We should be getting back to the table.

Every time I go looking for

you, you're at this bar.

People are gonna think you're

some kind of booze hound.

Wow, loud and proud.

Yo, yo, yo, bro Montana.

What's cracking, Broseph Gordon-Levitt?

I'm sorry about your foot there.

You must be pretty salty

about the lacrosse.

I was a water polo man myself.

Oh, the lacrosse of the seas.

You know it.

But, look, it's just sports, right?

- Don't sweat it.

- Ah not for me, my dog.

Lacrosse was my only plan.

You know pro players get a

$30 meal per diem, per day?

Yeah, everybody knows that.

Well, I was gonna put that

cash towards Pokémon cards,

you know, load up on first editions,

holographics Charizards,

Snorlax, Articuno

All the legendary birds.

I figure over time

I could turn $10K into $50K,

easy, no prob.

That's a pretty solid

return there, home skillet.

And if you're looking for

a new direction in life,

why don't you holler at your boy.

There's my card.

Private equity?

I think you just might

have a brain for it.

For shizzle.

Hey.

Looks like you could use one of these.

Thanks.

I've never been a wine gal,

but today I see the appeal.

Yeah, I hear you.

It's been a day for me too.

Mm.

Want to join?

Uh, sure.

I'm gonna quit this job soon anyway.

Denise.

Marina.

Can I ask you something?

Do you believe in signs?

Like messages from the universe?

Omens, harbingers, the Zodiac,

the spirit realm, Incan Sun worship?

Yeah, why?

OK, normally I don't.

But I feel like today the

messaging from the universe

has been extra loud.

Well, the thing about signs

is that they are just signs.

They're not orders.

Ultimately, you get to decide

whatever you want to do.

What if I don't know?

I thought I was just

having pre-wedding jitters.

But now I wonder if it's more than that.

What if the person that you love

isn't the person that

you need them to be?

I've been there.

So what do I do?

Have more wine?

I like the way you think.

- Hey.

- What?

- Hey.

- Where'd you go?

Marina seemed pretty upset.

I just took a little walk.

I'm having a pre-panic attack.

It's when I start panicking

about having a panic attack.

This thing is like disaster, man.

No, it's not.

Your life is great, dude.

You're still marrying

a smoking-hot babe.

You're about to be a

best-selling author.

Come on, man, you don't know that.

No, but I believe it.

- You do?

- Yeah.

You're my big brother.

And Marina believes it too.

Otherwise, she wouldn't be marrying you.

I mean, she could have anyone.

She is like an absolute smoke show.

Yeah, no, you already said that.

Like, she's hot enough to be in one

of those German body wash

ads I keep accidentally

downloading from LimeWire.

- What?

- Yeah.

My computer is messed up.

Maybe you could start

slowing down on that.

And you get to smash that

for the rest of your life.

- Like, that's sick.

- I'm probably gonna leave

- you hanging on that one.

- I get that. I do.

Oh, OK.

Look, man, I know I

don't say this a lot, but

I've always looked up to you.

You just you know

what you want to do,

and you're brave enough to go do it.

And you know what, you're right.

I got to go.

Sarah, you need to hang on to these.

- I didn't catch it.

- Sure you did.

And it means that you

and Dennis are next.

Why do you want me

to get married so bad?

Because I want you to be happy.

You know what, Mum, uh

OK, I'm so tired of pretending.

I know exactly what would make me happy,

and it is being with

the person that I love.

And she is sitting right out there.

Marina?

- Does Tom know?

- No, no, not Marina, Mum.

The bartender.

We dated in college, and it

was actually really serious.

Oh. Well, if it was Marina,

your brother would've been crushed.

OK, wait, sorry, so so you're not

shocked that I'm g*y?

Well, I'm a little

surprised, given the way

you've been throwing

yourself at Dennis all day.

But then there's the nose ring.

Mum.

- Sarah?

- Yep?

I love you.

And I'm sorry that you didn't feel you

could talk to me about this.

Mum, thank you for accepting me.

Well, I didn't say I accepted you.

I just came out to my mum.

You just came out to your mum?

- Right now?

- Yeah.

And I'm supposed to believe that?

She finally did it.

This is the third time

that has happened to me.

OK, so can we just Just start over?

You know, just pretend

that I'm some girl

picking you up at a wedding.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I am Lulu.

- Wait, I was gonna say Lulu.

- Are you serious?

- Yes.

- Oh, my god.

- Well, it's a sign.

- Yeah.

I guess we'll both just have to be Lulu.

I like that.

Looks like the bar mitzvah

folks are starting to arrive.

People are starting to leave.

Mijita, what do you want to do?

I don't know.

I I need to talk to Tom.

Where is Tom?

We saw him get into

a car and drive away.

So he's actually

leaving me at the altar?

I thought he was just having

one of his pre-panic attack

- panic attacks.

- Ah, mijita.

Don't worry, I won't

tell you I told you so.

- Papa.

- Not now.

I'll do it later.

Guys, wait!

I got a priest! We can get married.

Oh, my god!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How did you do this?

You actually pulled off a miracle!

I'm so sorry. What did you do?

How did you do

I drove to the hospital

and grabbed the priest giving

last rites to the old priest.

Oh, thank you for being

the person I need you to be.

No, no, no, no, we're not married yet.

OK, people, we got about 10 minutes

until this place becomes

the magical planet Pandora,

and Josh Gerstein

becomes a man, all right?

- Let's do this!

- OK.

Yeah.

Oh, my foot!

Come on, let's move.

You still look incredible.

Mm-hmm. You too, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Dearly beloved

- No time.

Just you go.

OK, Tom, I love you.

OK, that's it. Now you go.

OK, uh, Marina, I love you too.

Whatever bumps in the road may come

Skip to the end. Go, go, go, go.

- Uh, by the power

- Just go, just go.

Et cetera, I I pronounce you kiss.

Yeah! Hey, we did it.

Wow!

Actually, you know what, Josh Gerstein's

Torah portion can wait.

Come here.

Well, Tom, you did it

Barely.

I heard you did it too.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

Yeah, I mean, if you

decided to just live a lie

and stick it out with the homie Dennis,

that would've been fine by me.

Dude was an absolute legend.

But glad you're living

your truth or whatever.

- That's chill, too.

- OK, thanks, Conn.

All right, let's get

Mum and Dad in there.

Sorry, could we just actually

hold on for one second.

Come here.

Oh.

Um, everyone, this is Denise.

- Oh! Hi.

- Hello, Denise.

- Hey, Denise.

- Hello.

We don't have a lot of

experience with this

sort of thing.

Although my husband did go

to an all-boys high school,

and I played a female cop

in a student film.

Oh, wow.

- This is a lot.

- Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, you have no idea.

You and I are gonna be the

only normal ones around here.

Now let's stay with

the theme of the day.

Everybody say cheese, backwards.

Ee

Esee

Well, that's it. That's the whole story.

Well, there's 47 minutes of my life

I'll never get back.

So I'm visiting my cousin,

Fabian, at the hospital,

when out of nowhere this crazy guy

comes running down the hallway

and kidnaps a priest.

Can you describe the man?

So skinny, he was almost

paper, like a real life

flat Stanley.

Did you get a good look at his face?

Hard to say.

The body of an old man

with the head of a boy.

He looked like a sculpture

of Jack Skellington

made out of frozen milk.

He was like a scared fettuccine pasta.

OK, we got it.

He was like if string cheese was a man,

- if that makes sense.

- Thank you.