01x10 - Who's a Bad Girl? (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

♪

And as the neighbor

was spraying us

with a hose to separate us,

my boyfriend Jimmy Chonga

whispered into my ear,

"Now I know

that dogs do have souls,

- because ours just mated."

- All of that is a lie.

Those of you on Team Darla

will be happy to know

that she's quit Lindsay,

that femme fatale of footwear,

and has come back to me.

Well, that's wonderful

Not ready for feedback.

There's more.

Xavier is coming home from college.

And Xavier is an upside down

colander you hooked up with?

Xavier is my original human.

I was a gift to him

on his seventh birthday,

and we were inseparable

until he left for college.

We were even in a band together,

until I slept

with one of the drumsticks.

Jill is getting a puppy.

[all speaking at once]

Take that back,

you scale-faced sack of algae!

And I I mean, what are you

talking about, Bubbles?

It's true. Jill has been on her

lap thing every night searching.

There's no way Jill would

make a decision like that

without consulting me.

Sexy new baby replace

sexy older baby in prime.

- It is Kit Kat all over again.

- All right. Enough.

We're not getting our news

from an animal

with a brain so small

she doesn't even know

how to pinch off a poop.

This is not a poop.

It's a scarf that my butt makes,

and you're all getting one

for Christmas.

Ooh! Are they all brown?

[upbeat music]

[all singing on "ruff"]

♪

[singing on "ruff" and "meow"]

♪

Are you sure she was

looking at puppies

and not just on a dating site?

I may be a fish, but I know

the difference between a puppy

and a divorced real estate agent.

But we have a puppy.

Me. That's my role.

- Chief, you're six.

- That doesn't matter. I'm baby.

Me baby.

Goo-goo-bow-wow.

I relate to the fear

you're expressing

- through that cringy baby talk.

- Phank woo.

But, you know, I've thought

about it some more,

and I think it could be good for us.

Besides, Jill may get other pets,

but none will have

our special connection.

Sometimes Jill will

put her glasses on me.

Oh, and one time

she tried on my collar.

- Go get the leash.

- If Jill is gonna get us a pet,

why doesn't she do

something cool like clone me

so I can be successful at work

while spending quality time

with the kids?

- What?

- My point is, me wub the way things awe.

It's going to be okay.

Twust me.

Ugh, Honey, I just spent

this whole conversation

explaining why I don't want

another baby in the house.

I mean, were you even wistening?

That baby talk

should be a turn-off, but

[can cracks]

- Come on, Tabs. It's dinner time.

- I-I can't.

I made promise to myself,

never again participate

in Tuna Toes Tuesday.

- [all meowing]

- Ugh!

I love my life.

I know you're hungry,

so I'm gonna share

something with you

that I've never shared

with another cat.

♪

- You own two-storey house?

- With my credit score?

[laughing] I don't think so.

The lady that lives here

puts out food for stray cats.

And if a person tries to take it,

she calls the police.

- It's hilarious.

- [gasps]

Is that wet cat food?

In crystal goblet?

- Uh-huh.

- [laughing]

[chomping wildly]

[purring]

Hmm

[gasps]

That is me.

[gasps] And that is me.

And that is me.

And that is guitar lessons,

but underneath that is me. [gasps]

Why would they use that picture?

Yeah, it's not one of your best,

but the fact that they're using

this less beautiful

but more accurate picture shows

how much they want you back.

Let me rephrase that.

See, they can't use

one of your glamour shots

- because it wouldn't look like

- I want to go.

Aww, don't listen to me.

I only have one eye.

[grunts]

Sorry, ma'am.

Honey, Chief, come.

I have a surprise

for you next door.

I love surprises.

I hope it's a poop scarf.

Little Cookie.

She's cute, right? I found her.

She's the sweetest little puppy.

Ah. The puppy is for our neighbor.

Now don't you feel silly

for getting so worked up?

- [panting]

- Hey there, Little Cookie.

Aww, aren't you

the female friend and daughter

I've always wanted?

Yes, you are.

Hold. Hold.

Now, tell that b*tch who's boss.

[barking]

Feels great

on your a**l sac, right?

Don't ever let anyone

tell you this is wrong.

Little Cookie,

you're the best therapist

in the whole quadrant.

That's only because

I learned from the best.

[dreamy harp music]

[laughter]

Okay. Pass on my wisdom

to you later, I will.

[chuckles]

That was a reference

to a thing I was thinking.

Okay, bye.

[whispers] Is she still watching us?

Yes. I just wish she'd

move on with her life.

Her constant lurking really

gives me a de-rection.

[sliding door scrapes]

It's Xavier! He's home!

My man, what it be?

I can't believe I left you here.

I've been looking

everywhere for you.

You're coming back

to school with me.

Oh, hey Shel.

Hey, other turtle.

- Xavier and Lindsay?

- I give them a week.

I can't put this off any longer.

You guys are going

to meet him soon enough.

- Who?

- Jimmy Chonga?

Okay, remember I'm laying odds

that she brings in a watermelon

on four carrot legs.

I always imagined him

to be a cantaloupe

with pretzel stick legs.

I picture a piñata

full of misplaced hope.

I know this roasting

is a sign of your respect,

but this is serious.

Jimmy Chonga exists.

He just doesn't know that I do.

I've had a crush on him

since puppy class,

and he's just moved

to our neighborhood.

So chances are you'll run

into him at the dog park.

You know what, Elsa?

I am really glad

Jimmy Chonga exists.

And given the way you feel

about him, he is one lucky dog.

- I feel a "but" coming.

- Oh, there is a butt, Tabitha.

It's mine, and soon you'll be

watching it walk out that door.

Yep, I'm joining Cloons

and fam in London.

- [all gasp]

- But before I go,

I just wanna tell you all

what you've meant to me.

- This is going to be good.

- No, it's not.

But Shel, one thing I love

about you is your optimism.

And Nibbles, you're tough

as nails with a heart of gold.

- Nope.

- Chico!

Did I already use

optimism on Shel?

- Same for you.

- BOTH: Aww.

Oh, Tabitha, The Gray One.

Will they? Won't they?

Who cares? I do.

And Diablo, what are you?

Like, a dog?

I was gonna ask you the

first week, but then too

much time passed and it

would have been weird.

I mean, it's pretty weird now.

And Honey, deep down

I think you may be crazier

than all of us,

but that's why

I love you, mama.

- Well, that wasn't a compliment, but

- Later, losers. Ha-ha!

Wait.

You're leaving right now?

I'm a pig flying international.

You can't be early enough

to the airport.

- What just happened?

- I'm sorry.

You guys knew

I was a dog, right?

You know, I thought you were

a squirrel the first two weeks.

- Land otter.

- Feather duster.

- Baby rat.

- Injured jackal

- David Spade.

- Premature Ewok baby.

Wow. Just wow.

- [dogs barking]

- [chuckles]

It's the battle of the babies.

- Let's get weady to wumble!

- [growls playfully]

Come here, you little cute little

[cooing indistinctly]

Come here.

So Jill did get a new puppy.

From first dog to third wheel.

Ha, that's a big leap

for such short legs.

No, she belongs to our neighbors.

[both laughing]

Well, it looks like she and

Chief are enjoying themselves.

Why aren't you joining in?

Oh, she needs to learn

one-on-one socialization, so

So they didn't invite you?

[sighs]

I'm gonna go check on Jill.

Oh, looks like Jill's a little busy

with her new playmate.

A husky? Okay, that guy

is definitely not our type.

It's probably named

something like Utah

and doesn't have

all its vaccinations.

I'm gonna go save her.

Elsa, I heard someone say

"Leave it, Jimmy Chonga!"

He's here.

Oh my god. What do I do?

What do I do?

- He is a snack.

- He is a total snack.

I don't even know what to say.

This may surprise you,

but I don't got game.

- Hey, girl. What's going on?

- I gotta poop.

Real bad.

I'll be your wingman.

I do this for my dad

all the time,

and one time, it almost worked.

I like those odds.

[both laughing]

Maybe Elsa is right.

I should just join in.

I remember how to play.

Okay, here comes

some spontaneous playfulness.

In three, two, one.

Ow! My hip!

- His hip!

- Ugh.

You don't just jump

on two babies.

Sorry. Sorry. My mistake.

I'll just I'll let

you two do your thing.

[chuckles]

Stupid Elsa.

I play rough!

I have no boundaries!

My name is Montana,

and here I come!

Great.

Now I'm the fourth wheel.

- Here I come!

- Fifth.

- Oh, hell yeah!

- Sixth.

- Room for one more?

- Seventh.

- [laughs]

- Oh, come on!

[somber guitar music]

- Hey.

- What do you want?

I know you're upset

because I accidentally implied

you were ugly several times.

So I threw

a little something together

- to remind you how pretty you are.

- That's not why

Welcome to the first annual

Uglier than Tabitha Parade!

First up: The Hideous One

I got stuck in the microwave

for a couple of seconds

when they were making popcorn.

And my secret talent is this.

Ta-da!

Blech, am I right?

Next up, the Horribly

Out of Proportion One.

My talent is looking normal

in the reflection

of this dented toaster oven.

Next.

I absorbed all

the other kittens in my litter,

and now they always

have my back.

- Hello ♪

- Hello ♪

- Hello ♪

- ALL: Hi.

That'll haunt you

for all nine lives.

Bet you're feeling

a little less ugly now.

- I'm leaving.

- [sighs] It's not your fault.

You guys were disgusting.

Thank you.

And no matter how many hideous

cat parades I put together,

she's still upset

I keep calling her ugly.

That is not why I am upset.

It is because of hairy arm.

You've hooked me.

Now reel me in.

In the lost cat photograph,

I saw Stelios' arm.

I used to fall asleep in that

arm every night after my dinner.

I drifted off in the warm glow

of his laptop

as he cruised farm tables

on First Dibs.

I'm not upset

that you call me ugly.

I know I'm centerfold cat.

I'm upset because I miss my Stelios.

Well, then,

why don't you go home?

Then I would miss living with you.

I'm staying with The Gray One

- and all of his disgusting friends.

- Are you sure?

I mean,

they are truly repugnant.

Sometimes those cats

on her back kiss each other.

- My mind is made up.

- Yay for the Grayitha One!

That's my couple name

for you guys.

Speaking of couples doomed

to break up,

Xavier is taking Lindsay

back to college with him.

And I wish him luck.

There's not enough lime rickeys

in the world

to quench that thirsty beast.

Diablo, Jimmy Chonga

totally avoided me

after you left the park.

What! Did! You! Say?

So she's been lying about you

being her boyfriend.

She also told us a funny story

about when you were a puppy

and you got neutered,

the vet said one of your

testicles hadn't

descended, and she was like,

"If I was his testicle,

I'd stay up in there too."

And she'd do this funny voice

and your testicle would be like,

"I'm not going anywhere no how!"

- But why?

- Just making conversation.

I have spent so much time

projecting spectacular

yet achievable fantasies

onto this relationship,

and now I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life

with a Jimmy Chonga-sized

hole in my heart.

I'm so alone!

Elsa, I can relate to what

you're going through right now.

- You can?

- Yes.

Uh, Chief and Little Cookie

have really bonded,

and I'm happy for them,

but it's just left me

feeling a little, um, lonely.

That's how I felt after

I k*lled Butterscotch.

Not that it was a competition,

but Chief is clearly

Little Cookie's favorite.

Ouch.

This is helping me feel better.

Eating Butterscotch's face

helped me feel better.

So, Honey, have you tried

eating the puppy's face?

- No, Chico. No.

- Maybe Little Cookie will want

to hang out with you

when she's older.

- But why not now?

- A puppy needs to run around,

be a little wild,

make a little mischief

while it's still cute, you know?

Are you saying

I'm not as fun as Chief?

No, but if Max were here,

he would have.

God, I miss him.

[upbeat music]

I don't have a lot

of experience with pigs.

I hear you guys

are smart, though.

Like, smarter than dogs.

Not smart enough to put

my noise-cancelling

headphones in my carry-on.

Why won't this guy shut up?

Why are we stopping here?

Max doesn't shuttle.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

I need to get to LAX, pronto!

- Are you Max?

- Listen, you got to get this guy

to take me to the airport.

If I miss my flight,

George will k*ll me.

- George didn't tell you?

- Tell me what?

You're not moving to London.

You're moving here, to Los Feliz,

to live with me and Ray Liotta.

Come on, I'll show you

the bed we all share.

[cackling]

[dramatic musical sting]

What the hell?

- Did you do this?

- What? That?

That is clearly the work

of someone

without opposable thumbs.

- [both laughing]

- Chief.

I can't believe

you guys dug up Jill's roses.

Now where is she gonna get

her Friday night bed petals?

Honey, hold on.

We're creating

a secret fart language.

[farts]

[both laugh]

Okay, Chief, this isn't funny.

Honey, we were

just playing around.

We just did it for shiggles.

See, this is why I didn't invite her.

[farts]

I am fully capable

of doing things for shiggles.

[chuckles, farts]

- See?

- What?

[laughs nervously]

We can't make out a word

you're farting.

- [both laugh]

- [growls]

- Hey, Bubbles.

- I'm busy. Pinching off a poop.

It's an L for Loser.

Hi, sweet girl.

Oh, Jill, it has been a day.

[toilet flushes]

Why is husky guy here?

[both moaning]

Okay, where's Montana?

I know you're here,

you blue-eyed anarchist.

And why is he grooming Jill's face?

[barking]

Uh, your dog is kinda freaking out.

I don't know

what's gotten into her.

Okay. Come on.

[somber music]

I can be fun.

I can be bad. I can.

Ah! Ah! Thorns!

Why would anyone

want to do this? Ow.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Well, everyone has someone

to play and cuddle with but me.

Do you have any idea

how soft I am?

- I'm a walking stuffed animal!

- Wow, you weren't kidding.

So why am I alone? Why?

Just because I'm obedient

and a rule follower?

Okay, stop petting me.

Your fingers creep me out.

You know, I wanted

to run off with Armando.

- The pig?

- The coyote.

Oh, right, right, right.

I wanted to throw caution

to the wind,

make mischief, break the rules.

But I didn't. I didn't

because I'm a good, soft girl.

- I'll say.

- Enough.

I should have gone

when I had the chance.

- You still have the chance.

- Armando?

That's right. Drink him in.

Wait until you see this house.

They've got everything

a cat like you could want.

This is my old house.

This is where you belong.

Not with me at that dump.

You deserve to be in a place

where the cats only have one face.

I don't know what to say.

I mean, a thank you would be nice?

No.

[soft music]

You should go before

they beat you with a broom.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, my God.

She's back! My baby's back!

Oh, my God.

She smells like your mother's

foot before they amputated.

Excuse me, buddy.

I can fix things

with Jimmy Chonga.

- Let me go talk to him.

- Do not.

Max?

Why aren't you in London?

I'm Ray Liotta's pig now,

and apparently

we go to the dog park.

Does this mean

you're coming back to group?

No, I can't.

I said some things

I can't take back.

Nice things, from the heart.

I built a few too many bridges.

So what are you gonna do?

I guess I'll just hang out

with Liotta

until Cloons comes crawling back.

Well, thank God you're here.

Pretend to be my boyfriend

in front of Jimmy Chonga.

Yeah, I guess I got a few minutes

while Ray finishes his Cameo.

Happy birth-Ray to you ♪

Another $39.

Let's see. Who's next?

Oh, Veronica got a promotion.

Hey, V, what'd I tell ya?

Go tell Jimmy Chonga

that my boyfriend Max

is back in town,

and I have moved on. Go!

Look at me lovingly, tap into

your emotions, and action.

Max, I knew

you'd come back for me!

Of course I came back for you.

I'm not some heartless

monster who would just fly

off to London and leave

his best friend behind.

- Keep it on me. Keep it on me.

- Oh, that's right.

It's always gotta be about you.

Your career, your family,

your anti-poaching

satellite program.

But you know what, George?

Now it's my time!

- So goodbye forever!

- What?

You want me

to meet your parents?

- Okay.

- Oh, thank God.

- So what'd he say?

- He he was devastated.

Yes! Max, no notes.

You were amazing.

Oh, thanks, Elsa.

You were just okay.

Come on, kids.

Change of plans.

Uncle Ray just remembered he

left a pound of scampi in the car.

Scampi? Classier than

Clooney, that's for sure.

Yeah.

One pint salted caramel and

something dairy-free for dad.

[under breath]

Mark is not my dad.

I got it.

- What are you looking at?

- Take the high road, my love.

Soon she'll be

out of our lives forever.

I just can't help

but feel she's evil, Shel.

She's harmless.

- The next chapter is all about us.

- Wait. Crap.

- [grunts]

- [screams]

- No!

- [cracks, groans]

- Ma!

- Salted caramel.

- Right.

- [groans]

Shel?

So what do you say, Honey?

You wanna run away with me?

[soft dramatic music]

♪

[exhales]

Let's get out of here.

[empowering synth music]

♪

Look, I'm happy to throw

you the party, Nonna,

but I can't keep having

this conversation.

You're gonna make me

start smoking again.

How 'bout a Vegas theme?

The party already has a theme.

It's your birthday.

That's the theme.

- But

- I know it's your party,

but it's my a*s

on the line here, Nonna.

Under the Sea won't cut it!

What is this, a bar mitzvah?

- [whining]

- Hey, Nonna.

Okay, Nonna. Don't cry, Nonna.

You want a theme?

I'll give you a theme.

Tell me! Tell me!

[tropical music]

♪

Dust off your coconut bra.

We're having a luau.

[suspenseful music]