01x03 - Elephant

[bunniefuu]

("AFRICAN SWIM, MAIN TITLES"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

("I HOPE SHE IS OKAY"

BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYING) ♪

Quite a strange thing to do,

to talk into to a camera

like you're talking to a person.

It's hard.

It's so artificial.

Like, I'm a warm

and friendly person

talking into a camera.

It's just wrong.

A-- and people who can actually

do it well?

They're probably sociopaths.

I mean, really.

'Cause it's just

a weird thing to do.

If you're good at it, you can

probably make a lot of money,

but (WINCES)

it's not a good thing,

and I've noticed

as the show has gone on

I've gotten better at it.

And as I got better at it,

I became a worse

and worse person.

I'm not kidding.

(BIRDS SINGING)

JOHN LURIE: Look at that.

It looks like an elephant trunk.

I think I'm gonna take it down

and put it to good use.

(WOOD CREAKING)

Whoa! (EXCLAIMS)

("DRIVING INTO COUNTRY"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

(FOOTSTEPS)

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

(IMITATES ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

JOHN: So

When me and Evan were,

like, teenagers

I played the harmonica

and he played the piano,

and we became obsessed

with Little Walter.

And then after a year or two,

I was playing the saxophone

and he was still on the piano.

And we-- w--

we were equally obsessed

about Coltrane

and this record,

Live at Birdland.

And we were mostly

out of the house then,

but we would come back

and Sunday morning,

maybe, my mom

would make breakfast.

And I just presumed she was

still paying the dental bills

'cause Evan had had

this mouth surgery

and he was supposed

to be very, very careful.

He was supposed to not--

not yell or laugh too hard.

He was supposed

to be very careful

'cause the stitches

would come out.

And we're listening

to this music loud,

and my mom was a good sport

about this stuff,

but we were listening

to, um, "Afro Blue"

on Live at Birdland.

And we had this breakfast

of pancakes and

sausages and who knows what.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

And we're sitting there,

and we've got the music blaring.

There's this part

where Elvin and McCoy Tyner

are just going nuts,

and-- and McCoy's getting

to the end of these phrases,

thinking that Coltrane's gonna

come in, you know

(IMITATES PIANO PLAYING)

And you think Coltrane's gonna

come in, but he doesn't.

And they're just so muscular,

and Elvin is, you know

(EXCLAIMS)

And when Coltrane finally

comes in, it's

(IMITATES MUSIC)

And Evan, to mime the music,

goes (IMITATES MUSIC)

(CHUCKLES) And-- and--

the stitches come flying

out of his mouth

and blood spurts

all over the table.

And my mom's like

(GASPS) "Evan!"

And my-- Evan is just laughing,

and he keeps going

(IMITATES MUSIC, LAUGHS)

Kind of a beautiful memory

from my childhood.

'Cause, you know (GROANS)

that-- that's

what the music costs.

Yep. That's what it costs.

(BIRDS SINGING)

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

JOHN: Bum ba-deedle-dee

Bum-ba-dum ♪

Ba-dum ba-deedle-dee

Bum-ba-dum ♪

Ba-dum ba-deedle-dee

Deedle-dee ♪

Bum ba-dum ba-dum ♪

(HEAVY FOOTSTEP)

JOHN: When we finished

the Voice of Chunk record

we were-- it was--

the record was ready to come out

in Germany and Austria

or somewhere,

and-- and we were racing

to get the cover done.

And I was always told,

"John, you gotta put your face

on the cover of these records.

You know, that's how

you're gonna sell records.

People know you

from the movies." And I just--

just don't want anything

like that.

Plus, I really saw the band

as a band, it's like a tribe.

And

Ari Marcopoulos took

a photograph of me,

so I said, "Well, f*ck it.

I'll put my face

on the album cover."

And we brought it to this guy.

I'll leave his name out of it.

And he was gonna design

the album cover.

And it's really a rush.

It's coming out

in Germany, you know?

And I go back to him

in a few days.

(LAUGHING) And all he's done

is take my picture

and blown it up

to the size of the album.

You know how-- how big

albums are? They're like that.

You know? So my--

And I said, "I look like

I'm Donald Trump.

You can't do this."

He said, "No, it's good.

It means Lounge Lizards are

not afraid to be big now."

(WHISPERING) I said,

"What the f*ck, you idiot."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) So now I gotta

figure out something to do.

I don't know

where this came from,

but I always try to go

with the first thing

with the paintings,

with everything else,

is I wanna put an eel.

An eel in a straight line

under the photograph,

and then Kazu's mouth,

three times.

That's gonna be the cover.

And flowers, maybe, on the side.

And there's an incredible bird

out there.

All right, back to our story.

An eel in a straight line.

Which is not an easy thing

to actually do

'cause it can't be an eel

who's died

in this, you know, bad position,

or a one that's still

alive and slithering around.

So you gotta find an eel

that's kinda on its way out

you know? And, uh

Or freshly dead.

And put it in a straight line

and photograph it.

First, we go

to the Fulton Fish Market,

South Street Seaport.

"No, no, no, we don't--

There's no eels.

You know, maybe go to the docks

where they come in,

maybe you'll get an eel,

but nobody really seems to

catch eels

and bring them into Manhattan.

But you could try the--"

You know, so we go to the docks,

nobody's got an eel,

and then they suggest

going to Chinatown.

And, uh, we see these eels

in a tank, outside a restaurant.

And we go in,

and the guy's dressed

in this beautiful 1940s suit.

He looks like a

you know, a gangster from a--

from a movie or something.

And I go in, and I say,

"I'd like to buy an eel."

And he won't even look at me.

He said, "No."

I don't even think he said no,

he just tried to--

I said, "No, no, I'll give you

100 dollars for a live eel."

"No."

He's-- And it's just like

I don't exist to him.

And-- and it pissed me off.

And then he said--

He takes me by the arm,

and I think he's gonna,

you know,

tell me somewhere

I can get an eel,

and he just says--

He takes me outside, and then

he turns around to walk in.

He says, "Goodbye."

And now I'm f*cking pissed.

I say, "I'll give you

200 dollars for an eel."

And he stops,

and he's just looking down,

he won't look at me,

and I say, "You gotta

at least look at me."

And now a crowd starts

to gather, and I'm pissed.

And

Ari's sort of standing there

like, "Uh, John"

And he actually said,

"John," um, but I--

This guy's gonna look at me,

or I'm not gonna leave.

And, uh, a crowd gathers.

(CHUCKLING) And I'm trying

to calm myself down,

but not doing a great job.

And this little woman comes up

behind me and pulls on my sleeve

and says, "You want to find

an eel follow me."

So, okay.

So, I'm sure I'm-- we're gonna

be led around the corner

and have the sh*t kicked

out of me, but no.

We go down this alley

and into this little, tiny shop,

and she's got these tanks,

these aerated tanks

with carp in 'em.

But as she moves the carp out--

live--

but as she moves the carp

out of the way,

you can see these eels

down at the bottom.

But it's hard

to catch an eel.

And she's got her net,

and she's, you know,

swooping around.

And then she finally gives it,

and we give her--

I think we gave her 200 bucks.

We gave her 200 bucks

for the eel,

and we put it in a bucket,

and it's on its way out,

you know,

the eel's, like, almost gone.

So we drive--

We had a-- (MUMBLES)

I had a rented car,

we drive, and we stop

because I gotta go,

Ari's gotta go somewhere,

and we gotta get this done

and sent off to Germany

before the record comes out,

or else my face

is gonna come out like this

on the cover, and, you know,

we gotta get this done.

So we stop somewhere

in the Lower East Side

and put the eel down

on the sidewalk.

And he's down on the sidewalk,

and he's just barely alive,

you know?

He's just like (MUTTERS)

And, uh, I keep trying

to put him in a straight line,

and then it starts to rain.

So we put the eel in a bucket,

and I say, "We could do it

on the windowsill at my house."

So we drive really fast,

like mad,

we park illegally

in front of the house,

we run up the stairs.

But now the eel's covered

with all the, you know,

sand and dust from the street.

And, um

I gotta wash it off.

He's dead.

Take him out of the bucket.

And I go into my bathroom

to wash off the eel.

Except he--

One speck of water hits this eel

and he springs to life.

And I'm holding him

in the middle,

and he's stronger than you can

f*cking imagine.

The eel is so strong,

and he's like (GRUNTS)

He's trying to bite my face.

It's like a horror movie.

And he's so slimy that I can

barely hold on to him.

And I was like, "I'm not letting

go of this thing

in my apartment,

I'll never clean it up."

And he's, like, trying

to bite my face, and it was a--

It's this real battle, you know?

(CHUCKLES) It's like--

And Ari's yelling at me,

"Hey, I gotta go, let's go!"

And he's like,

"You're late for this?"

"I'm fighting death in here."

And the eel's like (GROWLS)

And so I grab the eel by--

by the gills

and I strangle it

to death.

And as I finish k*lling

the eel

I turn around and I see Ari

standing at the--

at the door of the bathroom.

(LAUGHING)

And you could see the whites

all the way

around his eyes, like

And I said, "I k*lled the eel."

And he sorts of goes, "Yes."

And I said,

"You think it's bad

that I k*lled the eel?"

And he says, "Not if

we don't tell anybody."

So, we real quick--

we take the eel,

I finish washing it off,

I put it on the windowsill,

he stands on the--

on the radiator and leans over

and photographs the eel

on the windowsill,

and it's a straight line,

it's gonna work.

And then I go try to wash off

my hands, but I can't,

and I'm about to go

to a photo session.

I sort of put on my suit

without touching anything,

and, um, I rush out.

And then I come back home,

hours later

and the eel is gone.

"Okay, I guess he fell,

and I gotta go back out."

So I get ready to go out

and, um, leave my house.

I look down

underneath the window.

It's like-- it's three flights,

and then there's

a basement apartment,

so it goes down-- it was

four flights, really, down.

The eel's not there.

Maybe he fell off

and somebody found it

and put it in the trash.

And then I walk to get a cab

on Seventh Avenue.

So I walk

down Eighteenth Street,

I live all the way at Sixth,

and I'm about to hail a cab,

and then I see the eel

(CHUCKLES)

on the ground in the curb.

Like, he's fallen four flights,

after being strangled,

he's fallen four flights,

climbed up the stairs

from the basement apartment,

and then gone a block down,

all the way down, um

all the way

down Eighteenth Street,

almost to Seventh Avenue,

to finally come to his death.

It's like Rasputin the Eel.

It was--

I think all the bad luck

I've had since then

is 'cause I strangled that eel.

("THE BEAST"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

JOHN: Deedle-dee

Bum-ba-dum ♪

Ba-dum ba-deedle-dee

Bum-ba-dum ♪

Ba-doo a-deedle-dee

Bum-ba-doo ♪

Ba-dum ba-deedle-dee

Bum-ba-doo ba-loo ♪

(BIRDS SINGING)

(DEEP TRUMPETING)

(TRUMPETING CONTINUES)

(STOMPING)

(JOHN IMITATES TRUMPETING)

(TRUMPETS)

(TRUMPETING)

(TRUMPETING ECHOES)

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

(CHUCKLING) I'm not really

an elephant, you know.

I'm John.

("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"

BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC FADES) ♪