Sam: OOH!
HEY!
TV!
I ALWAYS OVERDRESS!
Sam: SOMEONE GOT TO PUT YAYA
IN HER PLACE.
CHLOE CAME TO SERVE.
CHLOE CAME TO SERVE.
YOU CAME THROUGH, RIGHT?
THE BRONX IS THE FRIENDLIES
PLACE!
Sam: OH, I KNOW!
BROOKLYN IS THE MOS
ARROGANT.
QUEENS IS LAID BACK.
Sam: I, I CAN FEEL THAT.
IS THAT WHAT YOU TRYNA SAY?
AND THEN HE WOULD FACEFUCK
HER WITH THAT DIRTY SOCK ON HIS
d*ck.
IN HER MOUTH?
YEAH.
Sam: THAT'S WHEN THE OVARIES
START BEING LIKE, "MAYBE I CAN
MATE WITH THIS MAN."
I LIKE PLAYING WITH THE
STRAIGHT g*y b*tches, THEY FUN!
SEE!
I LIKE THEM WHEN THEY
CONFUSED, I CAN TURN THEM
AROUND.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH.
OKAY!
IF I f*ck THIS UP, I WON'
EVEN CRY ABOUT IT THIS TIME.
I'M FINE!
WOW!
THE p*ssy'S SO GOOD, YOU'LL HAVE
KIDS.
IT JUST, BUT IT'S LIKE --
YOU JOINED A CULT?
I BEEN, NO, I BEEN ON IT FOR
A WHILE NOW.
MY HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND HAD
A FLESHLIGHT AND SOMEONE --
IN HIGH SCHOOL?
YEAH.
HE WAS A FREAK.
AND HIS -- HE HAD SOMEONE CLEAN
THE HOUSE AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
A VASE, AND WE CAME HOME AND
THERE WERE FLOWERS IN IT.
NO!
DO I REALLY WANT TO HEAR
THESE NINCOMPOOPS WHILE I'M
TWISTING MY HAIR OR WHATEVER?
SO THEN I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T!"
Sam: I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY
PLAYING WITH MY HOMIE'S SON.
WE PLAYED CHECKERS, WE WATCHED
f*cking "MADAGASCAR."
AND THEN I WAS LEAVING AND HE
WAS LIKE, "HE'S LEAVING?"
AND MY HOMEBOY SAID, "SHE."
HE WENT, "YOU TRICKED ME!"
THAT n*gga FEL
BETRAYED, THOUGHT HE HAD A
HOMIE.
HE WAS LIKE, "AWW!
YOU MY MOM!"
YEAH.
YEAH, NAH, IT'S WEIRD.
IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE EVEN THINKING
ABOUT HAVING KIDS IS, WILL I OR
WON'T I?
WHAT THE f*ck WILL I DO?
I'M AT THIS PLACE IN MY LIFE
WHERE I'M LIKE, DO I, DON'T I?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
IS IT SOMETHING I ACTUALLY WAN
TO DO?
AND IT'S LIKE, "MAYBE, n*gga!"
MAYBE, BUT ALSO MAYBE NOT, MY
LIFE'S BEEN PRETTY f*cking GOOD.
IT'S ONE THING, YEAH, YOU COULD
PUT THE n*gga IN DIOR 1s AND
HAVE A GOOD TIME, BUT YOU ALSO
GOT TO CARE EVERY DAY!
RIGHT.
MOST OF THE TIME.
Sam: EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY,
EVERY DAY, 'TIL THE n*gga IS
DEAD OR YOU'RE DEAD.
I GOT A CAT AND THAT'S
STRESSFUL!
WHAT ABOUT THE LEGACY?
Sam: LIKE WHEN I GO OUT OF
TOWN --
100%!
Sam: I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S GONNA
HAPPEN TO MY CAT?"
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YO, THE THING I MISS THE
MOST, THE THING I MISS THE
MOST --
Sam: THAT'S STRESSFUL!
IS GETTING DRESSED, WALKING
OUT THE HOUSE.
Sam: AND NOT EVEN THINKING!
YOU CAN'T
LIKE, ALL THAT STOPS.
Sam: THAT IS TERRIFYING.
BUT YOUR LEGACY, THOUGH?
LIKE WHAT, WHAT YOU PASS DOWN?
Sam: BUT -- BUT SHE OUT THERE
DEALING WITH THAT ALL THE TIME.
YOUR CAT CAN'T DO THAT!
Sam: MY CAT CAN DO THAT!
MY CAT TELLS OTHER CATS I'M A
REAL n*gga.
f*ck OUTTA HERE!
f*ck OUTTA HERE!
I -- I MEAN, HEY --
Sam: MY CAT IS OUT THERE
TELLING OTHER CATS --
FIRST OF ALL, YOUR CAT, YOUR
CAT.
Sam: MY sh*t IS REAL.
YOUR CAT AIN'T GOING TO COUR
SETTLING sh*t.
Sam: MY CAT TELLS OTHER CATS
I'M A REAL n*gga, DOG.
"I'M A REAL n*gga, ALL
DAY."
THAT n*gga'S REPRESENTING ME.
THE OTHER CATS KNOW.
SOMETIMES THESE LIL'
m*therf*ckers ARE FOUL!
THEY SAY FOUL sh*t TO YOU!
OH, THAT'S WHAT I FEEL!
LIKE, "I'M NOT GOING
UPSTAIRS, DADDY!"
AND I'M LIKE, I CAN'T,
WHAT DO I DO?
I CAN'T HIT YOU,
OR
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO, BU
SOMETIMES, LIKE
AND THEN YOU SAY YOUR KIDS
TELL YOU A STORY, SO MY SON,
HE'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, MY DAD
COULD'VE SIGNED DRAKE, BUT HE
DIDN'T."
LIKE THAT'S THE STORY.
Sam: DAMN!
THAT'S THE PART YOU GONNA
HANG ON TO?
THAT'S THE ONE!
HONESTLY, THAT'S THE MOS
HURTFUL THING A CHILD CAN SAY TO
HIS FATHER.
DAMN!
DAMN, SON!
YOU GOT TO TELL MORE STORIES,
n*gga, YOU GOT TO TELL OTHER
STORIES.
HE MIGHT AS WELL --
Sam: AWW, HELL.
HE MIGHT AS WELL SAY YOU
CAN'T GET YOUR d*ck HARD NO
MORE.
I'M NERVOUS!
AND YOU HAVE NO -- WHAT WAS YOU
DOING AT 16?
Sam: EXACTLY.
WE WAS WILIN'!
NOTHING BUT BULLSHIT!
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS
THINK ABOUT?
AND I WAS A GOOD KID, AND I
WAS STILL WILIN'!
Sam: YOU KNOW, WHAT I ALWAYS
THINK ABOUT TOO, IS LIKE
THERE'S A AGE WHERE YOUR KIDS
GET, YOU KNOW, AND THE WORLD HAS
'EM.
AND YOU HAVE TO TRUST THA
EVERYTHING YOU GAVE 'EM WAS
ENOUGH.
YES.
Sam: LIKE AS SOON AS THEY
CAN RIDE THEIR BIKE AND GO
AROUND THE CORNER BY
THEMSELVES, THE WORLD GOT 'EM!
GOT 'EM.
Sam: THEY'RE TALKING TO
PEOPLE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO
THEY'RE TALKING TO.
THEY'RE HEARING sh*t, YOU
DON'T KNOW WHAT THE f*ck
THEY'RE HEARING.
THEY'RE EXPERIENCING THINGS, AND
YOU DON'T KNOW THEY
EXPERIENCING.
AND THEY NOT COMING BACK AND
TELLING YOU --
THEY'RE NOT GONNA TELL YOU.
Sam: AND SO IT'S LIKE, YOU
HAVE TO JUST TRUST, LIKE
EVERYTHING I INSTILLED
IN YOU, FROM WHENEVER THA
POINT IS AND YOU DON'T KNOW,
BECAUSE IT'S UP TO YOUR KID.
AND THAT'S RIGHT.
Sam: IS YOUR KID ADVENTUROUS?
IS YOUR KID A EARLY "AROUND THE
CORNER" n*gga?
BUT THAT'S --
Sam: OR A LATE "AROUND THE
CORNER" n*gga?
THE BEAUTIFUL THING OF THA
IS THAT'S HOW THEY DEVELOP WHO
THE f*ck THEY ARE.
Sam: YES!
YEAH.
YEAH, BUT LIKE, YOU JUST GO
TO FINGERS CROSSED --
YOU GOT TO TRUST!
YOU GOT A REAL n*gga OUT YOUR
NUTS.
Sam: AND THEN AS AN OLDER
b*tch, I GOT TO THINK, LIKE,
WHAT IF I CAN'T?
YEAH.
Sam: THAT'S SCARY, RIGHT?
WHAT IF I GO, AND I FIND OUT I
CAN'T, AND IT'S LIKE I DON'
NECESSARILY WANT TO.
YEAH.
Sam: BUT I DO WANT TO KNOW
THESE EGGS CAN STILL BE
SCRAMBLED, n*gga.
I WANT TO KNOW --
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
THESE DAYS
Sam: IT'S POSSIBLE IF I'VE
DECIDE TO, BUT I THINK IT'S
GONNA BE SOME FREAK sh*t WHERE I
DON'T WANT TO SO BAD.
LIKE YOU --
Sam: THAT THEY'RE GONNA BE
LIKE, "SHE CAN'T, AND YOU HAVE
TO."
OOH.
Sam: AND THEN I'M GONNA BE
WALKING AROUND, LIKE A PREGNAN
STUD, LOOKING CRAZY.
LOOKING CRAZY!
PREGNANT STUDS LOOK CRAZY!
YOU GOT TO FIGHT PRETTY HARD.
YO, YO, NO.
Sam: PREGNANT STUDS LOOK
CRAZY.
NO, THE PREGNANT STUDS, I
AGREE.
Sam: NO, THEY LOOK CRAZY,
DOG.
THEY BE LOOKING LIKE CHIEF KEEF
SMUGGLED A HONEY BAKED HAM
IN HIS HOODIE.
n*gg*s BE LOOKING WILD.
I'M SORRY.
Sam: n*gg*s BE LOOKING WILD
AS f*ck.
I WOULD ENJOY YOU AS A
PREGNANT STUD.
Sam: I WOULD NOT ENJOY ME AS
A PREGNANT STUD.
IF I GET PREGNANT AS A STUD, I'M
HIDING IN PARIS.
IN PARIS.
Sam: I'M COMING BACK WITH A
BABY LIKE, YO, WHATEVER, DOG.
f*ck THAT.
YO, I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A SAM
SET IF SHE A PREGNANT STUD.
Sam: NO!
LIKE, FIRST OF ALL, f*ck ALL
Y'ALL n*gg*s.
NO, NO, n*gga.
PREGNANT STUDS LOOK LIKE ANTHONY
MACKIE BLOATED.
Sam: THIS sh*t BE LOOKING
LEFT.
I DON'T WANT THAT sh*t.
THERE'S SO MUCH THAT CAN GO
WRONG, LIKE, WHAT IF YOU LOSE
THE n*gga AT A COSTCO, OR SOME
sh*t?
LIKE, YOU CAN.
I LOST -- I LOST MY NEPHEW.
Sam: SEE?
PUERTO RICANS ARE KNOWN
FOR LOSING KIDS, TOO.
WHAT'S UP WITH Y'ALL NO
WATCHING Y'ALL'S KIDS?
OOH!
NO, I'VE SEEN LONELY CHILDREN
THAT LIVE Y'ALL sh*t!
MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.
NO!
NO!
THEY NOT LOST, THEY NOT LOST,
THEY -- THEY BUSY.
THEY WORKING.
Sam: WHAT ARE ALL YOUR KIDS'
NAMES AND AGES?
ASTARCIA, SHE'S 21.
AMARI, SHE'S 19.
JIAIR IS 17.
JAYLEN IS 16.
JADEN, SHE'S 11.
AMIRA IS 9.
KENDALL AND KYLIE, THEY'RE 7,
AND THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS,
MY BABY, CAMERON, HE'S 5.
Sam: g*dd*mn, IS YOUR WOMB
MADE OUT OF, LIKE, STEEL?
Sam: HOW THE f*ck DID YOU DO
THAT SO CLOSE?
I DID NOT EXPECT TO HAVE NINE
CHILDREN AT MY AGE, BEING 36.
BUT, UM, LIKE I SAID, I
HAPPENED, AND I WOULDN'T REGRE
IT.
Sam: ONE, HOW DO YOU SLEEP?
LIKE, I --
I GET SLEEP!
AND I MAY BE HAVING 'BOUT TWO OR
THREE KIDS IN THE BED WITH ME,
BUT I GET SLEEP.
DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT, LIKE,
YOU'VE CONTRIBUTED THAT MANY
HUMANS TO THE WORLD?
YES, AND THE WORLD BETTER
THANK ME BECAUSE THESE ARE SOME
AMAZING HUMANS.
Sam: SOMETIMES I WANT KIDS,
RIGHT?
THERE'S THESE MOMENTS WHERE
WHEN YOU SAY STUFF LIKE THAT, I
SOUNDS, LIKE, SUPER INSPIRING.
IT'S SO REWARDING.
Sam: I THINK ABOUT MY LIFE,
RIGHT?
I DO WHAT I WANT.
I BUY WHAT I WANT.
AND IT'S LIKE, DAMN, DO I
WANT TO GIVE ALL THAT UP FOR A
PERSON TO POSSIBLY TURN OUT,
LIKE, AN as*h*le?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
Sam: WHAT IF YOU END UP WITH
A SERIAL k*ller OR SOME sh*t,
LIKE --
THAT'S TRUE.
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
SAYING?
IT'S JUST SUCH A GAMBLE OF --
YEAH.
RUSSIAN ROULETTE, IT'S LIKE
RUSSIAN ROULETTE.
Sam: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
HELL YOU'RE GONNA GET.
YEAH.
Sam: AND THEN YOU CAN'T NO
BLAME YOURSELF.
LIKE, "DAMN, DID MY EGGS DO THIS
AND MAKE THIS n*gga?"
WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU GOT TO
COME IN AND YOU JUST GOT TO BE
LIKE -- YOU JUST GOT TO TRUST I
AND JUST GO WITH IT.
Sam: DO YOU EVER JUST WAN
TO, LIKE, LEAVE THEM n*gg*s?
I HAD SOMETIMES WHERE
YES.
I HAD SOME TIMES WHERE I'M LIKE,
"LOOK, I CAN'T DO IT NO MORE.
I CAN'T DO THIS sh*t NO MORE."
IT'S LIKE -- IT'S STRESSFUL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
I AIN'T BEEN ON A DATE IN GOD
KNOWS WHEN BECAUSE THEY CALL ME,
ESPECIALLY MY SON, HE DON'T WAN
ME TO DO NOTHING.
AND I'M LIKE, "I HAVE A LIFE
TOO, YOU KNOW?"
I HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE TOO, AND
IF I DON'T FIND THE BALANCE THEN
I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF THEM.
Sam: HOW DO YOU DO IT?
WHEN I GO GET MY NAILS DONE.
I SIT BACK AND GET THA
MASSAGE ON.
Sam: THAT'S WHY YOU GET THEM
FINGER WAVES EVERY WEEK, THEM
b*tches TAKE LIKE FOUR HOURS.
NO, THEY DON'T TAKE THAT LONG!
DRYING, YES, DRYING.
BUT I WORK IN THE HAIR SALON.
Sam: DO YOU HAVE TO BE A
DIFFERENT PERSON WITH EACH OF
THEM?
I SURE DO.
Sam: HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?
GOD!
BECAUSE IF I AIN'T HAVE HIM, I
WOULD LITERALLY BE IN
ST. ELIZABETHS INSANE ASYLUM,
LIKE FOR REAL.
HAVING NINE KIDS, AND
IT'S CONSTANTLY "MOM, MOM,
MOM, MOM!"
I'M A SINGLE PARENT.
WE CO-PARENT, BUT I'M IN A HOUSE
BY MYSELF.
Sam: YEAH.
WITH MY CHILDREN.
Sam: DO YOU EVER FIND IT,
LIKE, HARD TO DOLE OUT LOVE
EQUALLY?
MM-HMM.
Sam: TO ALL OF THEM?
MM-HMM.
YEAH.
THERE'S DAYS WHERE I DON'T WAN
TO BE BOTHERED.
THERE'S DAYS WHEN IT'S TOO MUCH.
I WANT A MAN, YOU KNOW?
I WANT TO GO OUT ON DATES.
I WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN.
I
LIKE, I'VE BEEN CELIBATE FOR
THREE YEARS NOW.
BUT JUST SEEING WHERE I'M GOING
AND JUST THE REWARD, BECAUSE US
BEING TOGETHER, IT'S SO WORTH
IT.
Sam: MM-HMM.
IT'S SO WORTH IT.
Sam: WHAT ARE YOUR, LIKE,
FEARS AS A PARENT?
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
I'M AFRAID OF FAILING THEM.
FOR SO LONG, I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I
WAS.
I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.
I FINALLY WENT BACK AT THE AGE
OF 33.
I RECEIVED MY HIGH SCHOOL
DIPLOMA.
BUT I KEPT BEATING 'EM UP,
SAYING, "YOU HAVE TO GO TO
SCHOOL.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL.
GET YOUR HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT Y'ALL TO
END UP LIKE ME."
I FELT LIKE I OWE THEM THA
MUCH.
Sam: IF YOU COULD THINK BACK
TO BEING A TEENAGER, LIKE, WHA
WERE YOUR ASPIRATIONS BEFORE YOU
HAD KIDS?
UH, TO BE A MORTICIAN.
Sam: DO YOU STILL SEE THAT AS
A POSSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF?
MOST DEFINITELY!
MOST DEFINITELY.
IT'S GONNA BE A FAMILY BUSINESS.
I ALREADY TOLD MY KIDS.
THEY SAID IT'S CREEPY, BUT THEY
WAS LIKE, "MOM, WE'RE HERE FOR
IT."
I SAY, "Y'ALL GONNA HAVE TO
BE, BECAUSE I NEED SOMEBODY TO
DRIVE THE HEARSE, YOU KNOW, THE
TRUCKS."
NEED SOMEBODY IN HERE HELPING
ME EMBALM, YOU KNOW?
IT'S GONNA BE FAMILY, YEAH.
Sam: THAT'S DOPE.
GENERATIONAL WEALTH.
YES.
TWINS RUN IN HER FAMILY, AND
TWINS AND TRIPLETS RUN IN MY
FAMILY.
Sam: OH, YOU'RE DONE, n*gga.
OH, b*tch, YES, IT'S A WRAP.
GIRL, YOU CAN LAY ON THE TABLE
WITH ME WHEN YOU FINISH.
HEY!
Y'ALL GOING TO HAVE KIDS.
Sam: THAT'S A WRAP!
OF COURSE, KIDS AND TEENAGE
KIDS?
YOU KNOW I HAVE A WHOLE
STANDUP CAREER.
Sam: BUT, I'M SAYING?
BECAUSE ABOUT MY KIDS.
Sam: BUT I'M SAYING --
AGAIN.
Sam: YOU DONE?
I DON'T KNOW.
Sam: OOH!
YOU NEVER KNOW.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
I STARTED, I STARTED I
EARLY.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T LIKE KIDS FOR A LONG
TIME.
AND WHEN WE FIRST MET, I DIDN'
WANT CHILDREN.
AND WE BONDED OVER THAT GROUND,
THAT WE DIDN'T WANT CHILDREN.
Sam: Y'ALL WAS LIKE, "YEAH!"
BUT THEN, I TOLD YOU --
THAT'S HOW YOU BONDED.
YES.
BUT I TOLD YOU SHE RECYCLED ME.
SO WHAT CHANGED?
I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.
Sam: LOVE?
FOR ME, IT DID.
YOU JUST GET OLDER.
YEAH, NO.
I GOT OLDER.
I GOT WISER.
I FELT DEEPER IN LOVE.
THIS, LIKE, "I WANT SOMETHING."
I LOVE YOU!
YOU WANT A SURROGATE, RIGHT?
THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS, RIGHT?
THEY USE --
YOU COULD DO A SURROGATE.
I DON'T WANT TO DO A
SURROGATE.
Sam: SHE WANTS TO DO IT!
I WANT TO HAVE IT.
Sam: MAD, FIRST OF ALL, MAD
MONEY.
MAD SCIENCE, MAD MONEY.
b*tch, YOU GOT IT!
Sam: MY EGG, HER UTERUS,
n*gga'S, LIKE, SPERM.
WHOSE SPERM?
STRANGER'S SPERM?
RIGHT, YES.
Sam: HOMIE'S SPERM?
FAMILY SPERM?
RIGHT.
YES.
Sam: WHICH IS, LIKE, I LOVE
MY n*gg*s.
BUT I DON'T WANT A BABY RUNNING
AROUND LOOKING LIKE CHRIS REDD.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I LOVE THE n*gga, BUT I DON'
KNOW IF I WANT TO SEE THA
EVERYDAY.
YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
Sam: AND KNOW THAT'S A
REFLECTION OF, LIKE, A n*gga
THAT AIN'T ME.
YES.
Sam: SO, THEN IT'S LIKE,
"WELL, DAMN.
IF I WANT A n*gga TO LOOK LIKE
ME, THEN WHO DO I GET?
MY f*cking BROTHER?
NOW DO I WANT MY GIRL, LIKE, TO
HAVE MY BROTHER'S NUT IN HER?"
RIGHT.
Sam: EVEN IF IT'S SCIENCE.
THAT'S A LITTLE f*cking WEIRD.
AND THEN I GOT TO DEAL WITH MY
BROTHER'S ENERGY NOW!
YES.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THIS n*gga MIGHT COME OVER
ACTING LIKE HE RUN THE HOUSE.
YES.
RIGHT.
Sam: NOT BRINGING DIAPERS,
BUT TRYING TO TELL n*gg*s WHA
TO DO.
RIGHT.
Sam: AND THAT'S A WHOLE OTHER
LEVEL.
SOMETIMES I WISH IT COULD JUS
BE ACCIDENTAL.
NO WAY!
BECAUSE THEN YOU JUST --
Sam: HONESTLY, I WISH WE,
LIKE, JUST MADE A BABY OUT OF
LOVE.
AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, n*gga.
IT IS WHAT IT IS."
NOW I GOT TO DECIDE.
WHAT THE f*ck?
ANYTHING COULD GO DOWN.
YEAH.
Sam: IN THIS SITUATION, WE
COULD END UP WITH A SON WITH A
BIG-a*s d*ck.
AND THEN WHAT?
HE JUST WALKING AROUND THE
HOUSE, KNOCKING OVER VASES AND
sh*t?
YES!
Sam: AND THEY DON'T KNOW HOW
TO DEAL WITH THIS BIG-d*ck
n*gga.
I'M WITH THAT.
I'M WITH THAT.
Sam: BECAUSE WE TWO b*tches.
THERE'S NO MAN TO HANDLE THIS
BIG d*ck ROAMING.
WE JUST, LIKE --
YEAH.
Sam: IT'S JUST IN THE WILD.
AND WHEN HE TURNS 16.
Sam: RIGHT.
HE MIGHT TRY TO FIGHT US!
Sam: THEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
sh**t THE n*gga?
ONE OF MY BABIES, THE YOUNGER
ONES, THEY MIGHT END UP, YOU
KNOW, AN as*h*le BECAUSE I KNOW
MY 16-YEAR-OLD, HE'S ONE.
HE IS AND I TELL HIM.
I SAID, "YOU A JERK, YOU KNOW?
YOU ARE A JERK!"
Sam: WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU
HAD TO WHOOP SOME a*s?
MMM, RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT.
RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT.
SHE WAS LIKE, "THEY GONNA BE
MEAN TO US."
I SAID, "NO, THEY NOT."
Sam: BUT THEY BE, LIKE, MEAN
AS HELL.
THEY BE MEAN TO
ESPECIALLY MY SON.
BABY BOY, "JAYLEN THE JERK."
HE CAN BE MEAN TO 'EM.
HE ALWAYS DO.
AND THEY HAD TO, THEY'LL BE
CALLING WHEN I'M AT WORK, THEY
LIKE, "MOM, JAYLEN IS CURSING A
THE GIRLS."
SO I'LL FACETIME HIM.
SAY "YOU CURSING OVER THERE?"
"MOM!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
I BE WANTING TO WHOOP HIS a*s,
BUT I'MA HAVE TO WHOOP HIM LIKE
A MAN!
I CAN'T WHIP HIM WITH NO --
Sam: YOU GOT TO SQUARE UP?
YEAH, BECAUSE HE'S 6'3."
Sam: BEING A MOM WITH SONS,
THOUGH.
HOW IS, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
A WOMAN RAISING MEN, LIKE
THERE'S FEARS, LIKE, WHAT IF I
HAVE A SON AND HE END UP HAVING
A BIG-a*s d*ck?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL HIM.
BOTH OF MY SONS, AND THIS IS
NOT LIKE I'M A CREEP WHEN I LOOK
AT MY SONS, BUT BOTH OF MY SONS
ARE PACKING FOR THEIR AGE!
Sam: SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
BUT, THEY KNOW THEY HAVE
SISTERS AND, LOOK, NOT -- DON'
WEAR THEM COMPRESSION PANTS
AROUND MY HOUSE.
OR THOSE AFRICA DRAWERS.
PUT SOME DAMN SHORTS ON.
AND DON'T NO ONE WANT TO.
Sam: PUT YOUR d*ck AWAY, SON.
YEAH!
NOW, NUH-UH.
DON'T WEAR NO CLOTHES LIKE THA
IN MY HOUSE.
THE GIRLS COVER UP BECAUSE
MY OLDEST DAUGHTER
I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE GOT HER
BUTT FROM, BUT IT AIN'T COME
FROM ME.
SO, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT, SHE --
Sam: THAT'S THE ANCESTORS'
BOOTY IT CAME FROM.
IT CAME FROM SOMEWHERE
BECAUSE EVEN ON HER FATHER,
THEIR FATHER'S SIDE, THEY DON'
HAVE IT.
SO I'M LIKE, "WHERE THE HELL
YOU GET ALL THIS a*s FROM?"
Sam: YOU EVER NOTICE, LIKE,
WEIRD STUFF ABOUT 'EM?
LIKE, OH, THIS ONE, THIS LITTLE
n*gga'S EYES TOO FAR APART?
NO.
ALL MY KIDS ARE GORGEOUS!
I CAN SHOW YOU A PICTURE!
Sam: OH, YOU A MOM MOM!
YES.
ALL MY --
Sam: YOU BETTER LOVE THEM
BABIES.
YES!
ALL MY KIDS ARE BEAUTIFUL!
THEY
I HAVE A MILLION-DOLLAR FAMILY!
YES!
Sam: I'M SCARED TO GET A UGLY
ONE BECAUSE IT'S
YOU, YOU MIGHT.
AND THEN YOU CAN'T --
YOU CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT.
YOU STILL GOT TO DRESS THEM
UP NICE AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU
HAVE ONE THAT'S NOT SO
APPEALING, YOU KNOW?
YOU STILL DRESS 'EM NICE!
Sam: YOU GOT, YOU GOT TO WORK
WITH WHAT YOU GOT.
YOU DRESS NICE.
YOU, YOU KNOW, YOUR GIRLFRIEND
DRESS NICE.
Y'ALL BETTER DRESS THAT BABY.
YOU AIN'T GONNA HAVE NO UGLY
KIDS, THOUGH.
I DON'T THINK YOU'LL HAVE
NO UGLY KID.
Sam: ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THERE'S THIS OTHER PAR
OF ME THAT, LIKE, HATES THA
SOCIETY MAKES, ESPECIALLY WOMEN,
FEEL LIKE IF YOU DON'T ADD A
n*gga, YOU'VE DONE NOTHING.
AND IT'S LIKE --
YEAH.
Sam: THAT'S f*cking TRASH
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE, I DON'T KNOW
IF I NEED TO DO THAT.
AND ALSO, IF I DO, I'M NO
GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE, LIKE,
PEOPLE THAT'S A DICKHEAD ABOU
ADDING A PERSON.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I JUST FEEL LIKE THERE'S, LIKE,
I HATE n*gg*s WITH KIDS.
I HATE HOW THEY f*cking BEHAVE!
IF I'M BEING JUST HONEST, I HATE
HOW THEY BEHAVE.
I HATE HOW THEY ACT.
I HATE THEIR f*cking ENERGY.
I HATE HOW THEY ACT SO SELF
IMPORTANT.
I HATE THOSE n*gg*s WHO, LIKE,
BRING THEIR BABY TO A BAR AND
THEN THEY LIKE, "DON'T CUSS."
AND IT'S LIKE, "n*gga, I'M
DRINKING TEQUILA, b*tch!"
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE f*ck ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
TEQUILA MAKES ME MOUTHY, HOE!
THAT'S THE PARTY WE'RE HAVING!"
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
Sam: "SHUT THE f*ck UP!"
LIKE, I REMEMBER I WAS IN
TIMES SQUARE AND IT'S CHRISTMAS.
AND THIS n*gga WAS -- HE HAD HIS
BABY IN A f*cking CARRIAGE.
AND HE'S PUSHING THE f*cking
BABY, AND HE'S YELLING A
PEOPLE.
IT'S f*cking PACKED IN
TIMES SQUARE DURING CHRISTMAS.
AND HE'S YELLING, "BABY!
BABY!
MOVE!
MOVE!"
"BABY!
BABY!"
AND SINCE EVERYONE'S SUPPOSED TO
GIVE A f*ck.
RIGHT.
Sam: AND HE'S RAMMING
PEOPLE'S ANKLES AND sh*t.
AND HE HIT ME, LIKE, THREE TIMES
TO THE POINT WHERE I HAD TO TURN
AROUND.
AND I WAS LIKE, "YO, f*ck YOUR
BABY!"
AND I NEVER WANT TO BE A n*gga
THAT SAYS "f*ck A BABY" IN FRON
OF THE BABY.
THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.
IT'S NOT EVEN THE BABY.
Sam: THE BABY.
THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.
NO, THE BABY LIKE, "THE n*gga
BETTER JUST KEEP ME IN."
Sam: NO, NO.
THAT'S NOT WHO I AM.
"f*ck A BABY" IN FRONT OF
BUT LIKE, n*gga, THAT'S WHO YOU
MADE ME.
RIGHT.
YEAH.
Sam: BECAUSE YOU GOT YOUR KID
IN THIS STROLLER WITH HIS FEE
DRAGGING, YABBA DABBA DOO-ING
PAST THE AEROPOSTALE, n*gga!
SO SUCK MY d*ck!
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WHO THE f*ck DO YOU THINK YOU
ARE?
RIGHT.
YEAH.
Sam: AND IT'S LIKE THA
PRESUMPTUOUS ENERGY.
IT'S THE PERSONALITY.
BUT I WANT TO NOT BE THAT.
Sam: IT WAS THAT.
AND IT'S TRASH!
AND IT'S LIKE, THERE'S A WHOLE
COMMUNITY FOR THESE n*gg*s
THAT MAKE BABIES.
THERE'S A WHOLE SPACE FOR THESE
n*gg*s TO PRAISE THEMSELVES AND
PAT THEMSELVES ON THE BACK FOR
HAVING DOO-DOO ON THEY f*cking
FINGERS.
AND IT'S LIKE, "HOW, MY
n*gga?"
IF I GET DOO-DOO ON MY FINGERS,
IT'S GONNA BE BECAUSE THE TISSUE
WAS CHEAP, b*tch.
Sam: OPRAH WINFREY, GLORIA
STEINEM, LUPITA
N-m*therf*cking-YONG'O.
WHAT DO ALL THESE WOMEN HAVE
IN COMMON?
THEY'RE PROUD TO BE CHILD-FREE.
AND AS A RESULT, THEY'RE RICH.
NOT JUST IN DOLLARS, BUT IN LIFE
EXPERIENCE.
LIFE EXPERIENCE, NOT BURDENED
WITH THE SOCIETAL PRESSURES TO
PROCREATE.
QUICK HISTORY LESSON:
IN ANCIENT TIMES, WARRIORS USED
TO m*rder THEIR BABIES TO
BECOME STRONGER.
ARE YOU A WARRIOR OR A DUMB
b*tch THAT HAS BABIES?
WE HERE, AT THE SISTERHOOD OF
THE SEAHORSE, ENCOURAGE YOU TO
HARNESS THE POWER OF SAVING
YOURSELF FOR YOURSELF.
A POWER CALLED "UTEROLOGY."
HERE YOU WILL BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY
OF "FEMLIGHTENMENT."
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CREATE
WITHOUT A MAN.
AND WHAT YOU CREATE DOESN'
HAVE TO SUCK YOUR t*tties, SUCK
YOUR MONEY, SUCK YOUR TIME.
ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE
YOURSELF.
FOR YEARS, THE PATRIARCHY HAS
TRAINED YOU TO SEE THESE PARTS
OF YOUR BODY AS A FACTORY OF
REPRODUCTION.
BUT BY JOINING THE SISTERHOOD OF
THE SEAHORSE --
EE-EW.
Sam: YOU WILL COME TO FIND
THAT THESE ARE NOT YOUR
FALLOPIAN TUBES.
YEAH!
Sam: THESE ARE YOUR WEALTH
CHANNELS.
AND THIS IS NOT A WOMB,
IT IS AN OASIS OF POTENTIAL.
I AIN'T GONNA LET YOU STEAL
MY LIFE, YOU LITTLE sh*t!
I'M PREGNANT
WITH POSSIBILITY.
I CAN sh*t ALL OVER A TABLE
BY MYSELF!
I WILL CARRY MY POTENTIAL TO
TERM.
IF MY PUSSYHOLE AND MY
as*h*le HAVE TO BE ONE HOLE,
IT'S NOT GONNA BE BECAUSE OF
YOU!
IT'S GONNA BE BECAUSE OF SOME
d*ck!
I'M NOT BURDENED.
I'M BEYOND.
Sam: MY n*gga.
WHERE DID YOU GROW UP, CHLOE?
UH, BERKELEY.
Sam: CALIFORNIA.
YEAH.
I'M FROM OAKLAND!
I KNEW IT.
REALLY?
YES!
I KNEW IT!
YES!
I LOVE YOU!
Sam: YOU FELT IT?
I KNEW IT.
Sam: YOU FELT IT?
YEAH, I FELT YOUR ENERGY.
I KNEW IT.
Sam: WHAT WAS -- WHAT WAS
YOUR COMMUNITY LIKE?
UM, LOUD, NAKED JEWISH GIRLS.
Sam: YEAH?
OH, WOW.
ALL RIGHT.
Sam: WHAT WERE THE ADULTS
AROUND YOU LIKE?
I HAD
A BUNCH OF MOMS RAISED ME --
Sam: YEAH, YEAH?
YEAH.
Sam: IT WAS LIKE THE
NEIGHBORHOOD MOMS?
YEAH.
Sam: JUST COMING THROUGH?
YEAH, ALL MY FRIENDS' MOMS.
Sam: HOLDING IT DOWN.
YEAH.
Sam: THAT'S REAL.
YEAH.
Sam: I THINK THAT'S THE MOS
HONEST WAY OF f*cking WITH KIDS
IS, LIKE
TRULY "TAKES A VILLAGE" sh*t.
YEAH.
Sam: AND IT'S LIKE, THERE'S
COMMUNITIES THAT YOU GET TO
THRIVE IN.
YEAH.
Sam: BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE
RESOURCES TO MAKE IT THRIVE.
TOTALLY.
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH.
Sam: AND LIKE, WHEN IT'S
WORKING, THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY.
YEAH.
Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH.
Sam: IT'S LIKE, IT SHOULD BE
A COMMUNITY.
YEAH, DEFINITELY!
Sam: IT TAKES A VILLAGE.
RIGHT.
Sam: AND THAT'S AN HONES
THING.
YEAH.
Sam: AND YOU'RE
AND YOU ARE A PART OF A VILLAGE,
I THINK, WHETHER YOU HAVE KIDS
OR NOT, YOU KNOW?
MM-HMM.
Sam: I THINK THAT'S THE THING
I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH A
LITTLE BIT IS, LIKE, WHETHER YOU
HAVE THESE n*gg*s OR NOT, YOU'RE
RESPONSIBLE, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
YEAH.
YES.
Sam: BECAUSE THERE WAS ADULTS
THAT HAD TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR
YOU.
RIGHT.
Sam: TO f*cking EXIST.
RIGHT.
Sam: EVERYBODY HAD TO f*cking
CARE AT SOME POINT.
YEAH.
Sam: OR, AT LEAST, PEOPLE HAD
TO DIVE IN THAT WEREN'
NECESSARILY --
YOUR PARENTS, YOU KNOW?
I CAN REMEMBER BEING A KID,
RUNNING THE STREETS, DOING SOME
sh*t, AND JUST ANY ADULT WOULD
BE LIKE, "HEY, SLOW DOWN."
"HEY, DON'T DO THAT.
HEY, GET OUT THE STREET."
TRUE.
Sam: YOU KNOW?
JUST CROSSING THE STREET WRONG.
NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT MY
CROSSING GUARD.
Sam: AND AN ADULT THAT WASN'
MY MOM OR SOMETHING.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
Sam: YOU KNOW?
I HAD ONE, TOO.
Sam: IT'S LIKE EVERY
YOU DO.
WELL, YEAH.
YOU'RE LIKE A TEACHER.
Sam: YOU DO NEED THAT.
RIGHT.
Sam: YOU DO NEED THAT.
LIKE, MY MOM IS SO, LIKE,
WOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT SEX,
WOULD NEVER TELL ME WHEN SHE
GOT HER PERIOD.
IT WAS, LIKE, A WHOLE THING.
AND THEN I HAD -- AND THEN, MY
AUNT GROWING UP WAS LIKE, "IS
THE ORAL SEX GOOD?"
YOU KNOW?
"DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
YOU CAN TEACH HIM."
AY!
AND SO I HAD A HORNY, CUMMY
AUNT.
ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS.
Sam: I DO THINK, THOUGH, IT'S
WEIRD WHEN THE VILLAGE IS
SELECTIVE BECAUSE IT ALSO TAKES
A VILLAGE TO MAKE THE BAD
n*gg*s, TOO.
MM-HMM.
Sam: AND THAT --
THAT'S TRUE.
Sam: I DON'T THINK GETS
TALKED ABOUT, RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
Sam: IT'S LIKE
YO, IF I f*cking GO OFF AND THIS
SHOW'S A HIT, MY FIFTH GRADE GYM
TEACHER WILL BE LIKE, "I ALWAYS
f*cking KNEW SAM WAS GONNA BE
f*cking GREAT.
FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME AND
I SAW HER DO THIS THING IN GYM
CLASS!"
BUT, LIKE, HARVEY WEINSTEIN
HAPPENED AND NO n*gg*s TALKED.
AND IT'S LIKE, "NO, YOU WAS
AROUND THIS n*gga!"
RIGHT!
Sam: WHERE IS HIS --
YEAH.
Sam: SEVENTH GRADE GYM
TEACHER OR EIGHTH GRADE GYM
TEACHER.
"OH, YEAH.
THAT n*gga WAS TOUCHING BOOBS
BACK THEN."
RIGHT.
Sam: "I THOUGHT THAT WAS
REGULAR BOYS STUFF, BUT CLEARLY
IT WAS BAD BOY STUFF."
YEAH.
Sam: "AND I DIDN'T f*cking
STEP IN IN TIME."
YEP, YEAH.
Sam: "OR SAY SOMETHING."
YOU KNOW?
AND IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE EQUALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL PARTS.
THAT'S TRUE.
Sam: AND IT'S LIKE, THE
COMMUNITY AND THE VILLAGE IS
RAISING AND INSPIRING ALL THOSE
PARTS.
YEAH.
Sam: AND AS MUCH AS WE DON'
WANT TO ACCEPT IT OR f*cking
LOOK AT IT, THE WEIRDOS, THE
FOOT FETISH n*gg*s, ALL OF THOSE
n*gg*s ARE A PART OF THE
VILLAGE.
AND THEY'RE ALL AFFECTED
BY THE VILLAGE AND THEY WERE ALL
REARED BY THE VILLAGE.
MM-HMM.
Sam: AND IT'S LIKE, WE'RE
RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY ELEMENT.
YEAH.
Sam: YOU CAN'T JUST DECIDE
SOME THINGS DON'T MATTER AND
OTHER THINGS ARE IMPORTANT.
YEAH.
Sam: NOW THIS WAS A n*gga WHO
USED TO DRESS REALLY COOL, JUS
TO SIT ON HIS PORCH ALL DAY.
HIS NAME MIGHT'VE BEEN RUI AND
HE MIGHT'VE BEEN ON HOUSE
ARREST.
EITHER WAY, HE WAS A GOOD DUDE.
HE KEPT ME FROM GETTING HUMPED
IN ALLEYS.
HE WOULD TELL ME WHICH BOYS WERE
NASTY AND WHICH GIRLS WERE HOES.
HOW DID AN ADULT MALE KNOW WHA
GIRLS WERE HOES?
MMM, INSTINCT.
HEY, YO, SAM!
DON'T GO TO THE PARK WITH LEE.
HE BE LYING ON GIRLS.
HE GON' TELL EVERYBODY Y'ALL HAD
BATHTUB PERIOD SEX!
ANYWAY, I'MA GO CHANGE FOR THE
FOURTH TIME TODAY.
Y'ALL BE SAFE OUT HERE, YOU
HEARD?
Sam: THIS IS MRS. C.
THE C STANDS FOR
"COULDN'TA BEEN A BIGGER c**t!"
SHE'S A b*tch!
HOW DO I KNOW SHE'S A b*tch?
BECAUSE SHE CALLED ME A b*tch
WHEN I WAS 10!
SHE WAS MY FIFTH GRADE SCIENCE
TEACHER AND SHE RIPPED UP MY
PROJECT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE
CLASS BECAUSE SHE'S A RACIS
c**t!
YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T MAKE THIS
SOLAR SYSTEM.
YOU CLEARLY CHEATED.
YOU SILLY LITTLE n*gg*r CHILD.
Sam: SHE'S ALSO THE REASON I
DON'T TRUST WHITE WOMEN, WHICH
HAS KEPT ME ALIVE TO THIS DAY.
SO THANK YOU, WHITE DEVIL, WITH
YOUR OLD, UGLY a*s.
THIS IS THE ICEE LADY WHO LIVED
AT THE TOP FLOOR OF MY PROJEC
WHEN I WAS A KID.
THERE WAS NO ELEVATOR, SO WE
WANTED AN ICEE, SHE WOULD LOWER
IT DOWN IN A BASKET.
SHE HAD A REALLY GOOD BUSINESS
GOING, BUT IT GOT EVEN BETTER
WHEN SHE REALIZED IF YOU PUT THE
ICEE IN A STYROFOAM CUP, I
WOULDN'T MELT AS FAST.
SHE TAUGHT ME ENTREPRENEURSHIP
AND ALSO INSPIRED MY LOVE OF
STYROFOAM.
f*ck THE ENVIRONMENT!
YOU CAN PRY STYROFOAM FROM MY
COLD, DEAD HANDS!
Sam: I DON'T KNOW.
NOW HERE'S A LADY THAT THOUGH
RENTING A HOUSE MEANT YOU OWN
THE SIDEWALK AND EVERY TIME ME
AND MY FRIENDS WOULD RIDE BY ON
OUR BIKES, SHE WOULD CHASE US
AND TRY TO HIT US WITH A BROOM.
GET OFF MY SIDE -- GET OFF MY
SIDEWALK!
Sam: WE DIDN'T.
Sam: AND THAT'S HOW I LEARNED
THAT JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE'S OLD,
DOESN'T MEAN THEY WON'T BUST YOU
IN THE HEAD WITH AN OLD BROOM.
Sam: SPEAKING OF SWINGING,
THIS IS THE SPANISH MAN WHO USED
TO STAND BEHIND A WROUGHT-IRON
GATE AND SWING HIS d*ck AT ALL
THE KIDS AS WE WALKED BY.
I'M NOT SAYING HE DID IT BECAUSE
WE WERE KIDS.
I REALLY THINK THE n*gga JUS
NEEDED AN AUDIENCE.
MIRA, MIRA, MIRA!
YO SOY!
Sam: AND THAT'S HOW I LEARNED
BEING A PERFORMER IS A LONELY
LIFE.
OH!
MY PEE-PEE HIT THE WALL!
OW, OW, OW!
IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE, I
WILL BE IN AN OFF-BROADWAY
PRODUCTION OF "I LOVE YOU,
YOU'RE PERFECT, NOW --"
Sam: HEY, PUT YOUR d*ck AWAY!
AND SHUT THE f*ck UP!
WE AIN'T DOING ALL THAT!
Sam: MY SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I HOPE YOU HAD FUN.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME!
Sam: I APPRECIATE YOU SO
MUCH!
I LOVE YOU.
Sam: I'M SUPER PROUD OF YOU.
I'M SUPER PROUD OF YOU, TOO.
Sam: YEAH.
WE OUT HERE, IT'S A BOY.
Sam: OH, OH!
n*gga, WHAT YOU WANT?
ARE THEY IN THE REFRIGERATOR?
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
Sam: LOOK HOW --
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
BYE-BYE!
Sam: BYE, Y'ALL.
I LOVE CHOE!
SHE'S FROM WHERE I'M FROM.
AWW!
I MADE A FRIEND!
A JEWISH FRIEND!
Sam: THAT'S GOOD.
L'CHAIM, b*tch.
Sam: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
CHLOE, I DIDN'T --
NO, NO, YOU NOT.
Sam: I'MA BE SINGLE AND IT'LL
BE DOPE!
YOU NOT GONNA BE SINGLE,
b*tch!
STOP LYING!
CLEAN IT UP, n*gga.
HEY, Y'ALL n*gg*s GOT TO GE
UP.
DO YOU THINK AIDA RODRIGUEZ
WOULD MARRY ME?
Sam: NO.
YEAH, I ALSO SAID THAT.
AT THE END OF THE DAY,
WE ARE ALL CONNECTED TO OUR
VILLAGE.
NO MATTER HOW FAR WE RUN OR TRY
TO SIDESTEP THOSE
RESPONSIBILITIES,
THE VILLAGE IS STILL BEING
AFFECTED.
WHETHER YOU HAVE A CHILD OR
NOT, YOU'RE STILL IMPACTING HOW
A CHILD IS BEING BROUGHT UP IN
THE WORLD.
A GROUP OF PEOPLE DID THAT FOR
YOU, SO YOU NEED TO GIVE BACK TO
THAT SAME POT.
WE LIVE IN A CULTURE OF SUPER
INDIVIDUALISM.
BUT NONE OF US ARE EXEMPT FROM
BEING A VILLAGER.
THAT MEANS THIS VILLAGE IS
SOMETIMES GOING TO COST YOU SOME
MONEY AND SOME TIME AND SOME
STRESS.
BUT THOSE CONTRIBUTIONS ARE HOW
WE ENSURE THAT THE HUMAN RACE
CONTINUES TO PROGRESS OR EVEN
EXIST.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY TEACHERS,
MY CROSSING GUARDS,
AND MY PERVERTS, I MIGHT BE ONE
OF THOSE PREGNANT STUDS, SAGGING
AT 35 WEEKS.
I REALIZE I NEED TO USE MY
TALENT AND MY PASSION TO FILL A
VOID THAT HAS LONG EXISTED.
AND THAT'S WHY I'VE DECIDED TO
BE THE VILLAGER WHO BEATS OTHER
PEOPLE'S KIDS.
SOMETIMES YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE
TO DO IT.
AND THERE'S NO BETTER
CONTRIBUTION THAN THE BACK OF MY
HAND.
I AIN'T HAVING NO f*cking KIDS.
WELL, f*ck YOU THEN, b*tch!
So there's white people
living above politics.
They're living
above all the systems.
Their lives aren't changed
by who's in office.
How do I get put on
to that sh*t?
Being a concierge doctor,
there's people like,
I need a heart. I'm not gonna
be waiting around for this sh*t.
I'm not sure if you can work
your concierge magic
-and get a heart.
-So, if I wanted to buy a lung,
you couldn't tell me
where to go?
No, unless you wanna do
black market and go
to a different country.
So you could tell me
where to go.
Even this politics sh*t
is a game
that they're giving
to broke people.
I don't want Obamacare.
I want Cheneycare.
-He had Peruvian, virgin--
-Six hearts on deck.
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01x05 - Pregnant Studs
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Each episode takes place in a house party, where comedian Sam Jay talks to guests over drinks about the episode's central topic.
Each episode takes place in a house party, where comedian Sam Jay talks to guests over drinks about the episode's central topic.