01x05 - Father Facts, Figures, and Failures

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Temple Hillel.

My name is Rabbi Marty.

Today I'll take you through

some things you'll see

and some things to keep in mind

during your visit.

From there?

Right here.

This is a kippah.

This is a kippah, or yarmulke.

Even for a Gentile guest,

it's an important sign of respect

to wear one of these

before entering the sanctuary.

Don't worry,

wearing it won't make you a Jew.

Here we are in the sanctuary.

Some synagogues have pews.

We went with theater seats.

The seder plates are special plates.

They're used to show

all the symbolic foods we eat on Pesach.

[clears throat]

This stage is called the bimah.

Above the ark is the eternal flame,

the Ner Tamid.

It's always lit.

Really.

The ark holds the Torah.

When we open it,

everyone stands.

There are two types of Torahs.

The Chumash, or printed Torah,

and the Sefer, or scroll Torah.

This is the center of Jewish life.

The Sefer Torah is so sacred we're

not allowed to touch the parchment

with our hands. Instead,

when we read from the Torah, we use this.

Oh, thank you, Eli.

This pointer is called a yad.

According to some traditions,

anyone who touches the naked parchment

must be buried naked.

But don't worry.

You're very unlikely to be allowed

anywhere near the Sefer Torah

during your visit.

Whatever your faith, sex, or color,

you're welcome here at Temple Hillel.

Sure, we got some odd rules.

But don't worry about it.

Just be respectful.

Shalom.

Family photo.

[Einstein grunts]

Everybody in.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Astoria, just in a little bit, little bit.

All right, there Uh, stop, stop, stop.

Okay. Um

I-In the stripes

- Mini.

- Family photo.

Okay. [chuckles]

[grunts] Swap.

No, no, no.

Astoria, Harrison.

Einstein.

Me.

Arm around me. Arm around me.

[shutter clicks]

Got it.

[chuckling]

Okay. Got it, got it.

Okay. Astoria, Einstein out.

Harrison and Hampton in.

Okay, hold it out, hold it out. Fishermen.

Anglers. Got it?

Smile.

- [shutter clicks]

- Got it.

Put that in the trunk. Thank you.

Einstein.

I'm gonna borrow this

just to capture some precious moments.

Yeah, sure, Pops.

We're not using it this weekend.

We're focusing on botanicals.

Oh, Pops. Stick Man said

if you come to a crossroads,

always go towards the sun.

It will lead you to its treasure.

Thanks, son.

- Have a good trip, Mr. Chambers.

- [Hampton] Thanks, Mickey.

[Mini] Mini.

What if it's not as bad

as you're imagining?

I doubt that.

[chuckles] Just try and have a good time.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold it.

Beautiful. Beautiful.

All right.

[engine starts]

Einstein.

Do not hurt yourself.

Love you, honey.

[sighs]

[Harrison sighs]

Why are we stopping here?

We need to get some bait and rations.

[sighs] I'll wait in the car.

Harrison.

This trip can be as miserable

or as fun as you make it.

Look where we are.

I was in prison last week.

I made your mom laugh today. [chuckles]

Life is good.

Just give it a chance.

[Hampton] Harrison.

[shutter clicks]

Over there, next to the bear.

- Go ahead. Come on, come on. Come on.

- Dad. Really?

Over, over, over, over Stop.

Little bit over, over There it is. Stop.

- [shutter clicks]

- Okay, one more.

Look at the bear. Look at the bear.

- [shutter clicks]

- Got it.

You don't like the nightcrawlers?

Uh

I prefer something, uh,

fatter.

We have crickets. They're loud, not fat.

No crickets. We gotta sleep tonight. Gonna

be up at dawn, reeling in the catfish.

Oh. You want to catch the big ones?

That's the idea.

The really big ones?

What self-respecting man

would say otherwise?

The catfish is a nasty animal.

To catch one, you have to think nasty.

I'm all ears.

- Forget live bait. You want cut bait.

- Yeah. Cut bait.

Raw fish, chopped up rough.

Heads, brains, spine, guts.

The more gross it is,

the more catfish love it.

Young lady, you have made yourself a sale.

Danny Boy will be bringing in

some bluegill late tonight.

You come by in the morning.

We'll have it for you.

Perfect.

Where are the campgrounds?

You're looking at it.

We're back-country camping, son.

What? Great, right?

- [chuckling]

- [door closes]

- [Hampton grunting]

- You brought your little drill?

[Hampton] Okay. Come on.

Let's set up camp.

[Harrison] Fireworks?

They're fun

and they're cheaper than distress flares.

- Pass me the pole.

- [grunts]

You got it. You got it. [grunts]

[Harrison grunts]

It's time for your father

to teach you to cast.

[Harrison] Great.

So don't forget.

You stop it spinning

just before it hits the water.

Any sooner and you yank it out of the air.

Any later, and it'll backlash on you.

I now understand

why the Chumash speared their fish.

Okay. Here you go.

Right there.

- [sighs]

- Okay?

- You're just releasing it too late. Okay.

- Okay.

- You wanna You wanna

- [grunts]

- [sighs]

- Release up top.

A nice, long, pretty arc.

That's what you want. Okay?

I mean,

what does it matter how the arc looks?

The fish appreciate a beautiful cast.

You just made that up.

So?

Okay.

Now try again.

[Hampton exclaims]

[groans]

- I'm trying.

- [groans]

My Uh [stammers]

Harrison!

You've got to learn persistence.

Look at Einstein.

He fails every damn day

and he does it with a smile on his face.

I'm not Einstein.

I get it, you like him better.

No, no. I don't like him better.

It's just, he's easier.

And I don't always know how to talk

to you. It's harder between us.

[stammers] I'm just trying to

just trying to figure it out.

Huh.

[groans]

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

Thank God I had these on.

Otherwise you'd probably have

an eyeball on the end of there.

Catfish might like that.

[chuckling]

I think they might.

I think they might.

[sighs]

Come on. Let's have a cold one.

[sighs]

Salud.

Salud.

Hey, um, don't tell your mother.

You got it, Hampton.

What are you doing?

I'm studying my map for the solstice.

[whispering] Photo time.

[shutter clicks]

Got it.

[normal voice] Hey, hey, hey.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Come on, come on.

First to the bend in the path,

for bragging rights.

[chuckles]

- Here we go.

- You can't beat me running, old man.

- [chuckles] We'll see about that.

- Okay.

On go. Ready steady

- go!

- Hey, you [stammers]

[Hampton] Oh, yeah!

Yes!

King of the lake!

- Whoo!

- You cheated.

- What?

- Yeah.

- Rematch, back to the lake! [laughing]

- What?

Yeah! Whoa!

Ha! [chuckles]

- Winner. I am the superior Chambers man.

- [breathing heavily]

- No, no. That was 1-1.

- Yes!

That was 1-1. Thumb w*r tiebreak.

I win! Yes!

That's how we do it in Chino!

[exclaims]

Chino?

That's not

- King of the lake!

- No.

- Just admit it. I won.

- No, no. Rock, paper, scissors.

The wh

Why am I so tired? [breathes heavily]

Oh, God.

Hey, Harrison. Come on, come on.

[exclaiming]

[laughing]

Whoo!

- [Harrison laughs]

- Who's wet? Who's your daddy?

[chuckling]

Yes!

- Five.

- [stammers] That was four.

- [laughing]

- [Harrison exclaiming]

[breathing heavily, grunts]

[chuckling]

Yeah! [chuckling]

You like it?

Yeah. It's good.

- What is it?

- Bibimbap.

Bibimbap.

It's Bootsy's favorite food.

He gets it in Koreatown.

Want another cold one?

Yeah.

- My boy. [chuckles]

- [chuckles]

This reminds me of gladiator camp.

Gladiator camp?

Juvie.

[chuckles] One time,

Bootsy bet me I couldn't sneak

into this evil counselor's quarters

and steal something out of his fridge.

[scoffs] Of course I took the bet.

My boyhood pride was on the line.

So that night,

I jimmy his window,

sneak across his kitchen floor, all quiet.

Bootsy's watching through the window,

trying not to laugh. Failing, I might add.

I open his fridge.

That sh*t squeaked so loud,

it was like a shot rang out in the dark.

I freeze,

grab whatever's closest

mayo.

[chuckles] When I turn around,

this man just stood there,

in his underwear,

with a shotgun. [chuckles]

[stammers]

I pissed myself.

[both chuckle]

We got in so much trouble.

Man, I used to do dumb sh*t for no reason.

All this to say [sniffles]

I know you don't understand why

I've made some of the decisions I've made.

But since I met your mom

there's always been a reason.

And that reason is this family.

Always.

Harrison?

Harrison.

[engine stops]

[Bootsy sighs]

Boys are back in action.

[chuckles]

How's Harrison?

I know you can't fish, man.

- You can't [stammers]

- No time for chitchat, Boots.

- Talk me through the details again.

- [sighs]

[sighs]

Safe's in the rabbi's office.

Only security is Eli, right?

Correct. [sighs]

He's already off gambling

at the Prevost farm.

Won't see him again

until he's lost everything.

And even then, they make sure he's got

a companion to soothe his wounds.

[sighs] Which actually

doesn't sound half bad.

It's been a minute

since I had me some aloe vera.

Bootsy. Focus.

The best part is that

we don't have to break in.

I disabled the latch

on one of the windows.

And, uh, rabbi's been on Eli

for three weeks to fix it.

He hasn't lifted a finger.

Odds of that latch being fixed

are a million to one.

The odds of Eli running into us at

- no f*ck' way.

- Good. Good.

You got 30 minutes to drill the safe

before the police patrol.

- My man.

- [clears throat]

Father in Heaven,

we thank you for this, uh, opportunity.

Clear us a path with the help

of your slothful servant Eli.

Cloak us in your protection,

that we may move swiftly and, uh, quietly.

In our moment of need, show us the way

that we may return to our families

- with gold.

- [sighs]

And milk. And honey.

And all that glorious bounty.

- Amen.

- Yeah, sure.

I'm gonna say a prayer before a robbery.

Amen.

Are you serious?

We do this respectfully.

I can't wear this. This is blasphemy.

It's blasphemy if you don't.

Let's go.

[Bootsy breathes shakily]

Watch your step.

This is the window.

[sighs] He fixed the latch.

You said it was a million to one.

[sighs]

This is a sign.

Come on, Boots. [stammers]

- Boots!

- Ham!

- What?

- Ham.

[laughs]

Thank you, Eli.

[Bootsy sighs]

That's where the choir sings.

[sighs]

And this is the, uh

That's the, um

This-This right here is, uh [chuckles]

You know what?

I don't even really know what that

Come on, man.

Notice the, uh, steps

built into the stage.

That's the bimah.

Only robber I know who does his homework.

Yeah, you should try it sometime.

You always were an odd duck.

- Bootsy, where's the safe?

- Oh.

Never been a fan of studying.

I prefer the jazz approach to life.

[panting, sighs]

Where's the safe?

[sighs] I know it's in this general area.

[sighs]

[Hampton] sh*t.

You see it?

Damn it, Bootsy.

Bootsy!

[chuckles, breathes shakily]

[Bootsy grunts, inhales sharply]

- [clicks tongue, groans]

- The spec you gave me

- said it was a Pershing.

- [grunts, sighs]

- That's a Radford.

- [breathes shakily]

[Hampton] This safe has a completely

different locking mechanism.

Oh.

You can still do it though, right?

Would it k*ll you to check?

Maybe not improv this one thing.

[shushes]

[Hampton] Where do I even start?

[groans]

Why is wearing this a sign of respect?

Doesn't mean anything to you. Does it?

Their house, their rules.

But you're gonna ignore

the rule about stealing.

Go keep an eye out.

You know what, Hampton?

I'm gonna give you your space.

[Hampton] Thirty minutes.

[groans]

[drilling in distance]

[groans] Come on.

[hammering in distance]

[chuckles]

[stammers, grunts]

Damn it.

[hammering continues]

[Bootsy] Hampton, look at this.

Doesn't even feel like paper.

You don't touch that!

It's sacred.

I've never seen anything like it.

Bootsy, put that back now.

[sighs]

- This has to be worth

- Have some damn respect.

You put the Torah back or I walk.

Relax.

What's taking so damn long?

There is a locking mechanism that

goes either north, east, south, or west.

On a Pershing, it goes north.

I don't know where it goes on a Radford.

And we only have time for one more shot.

[inhales sharply, grunts]

This doesn't fit.

- Hampton.

- What?

[sighs] Pray on it.

[sighs]

Um

Yahweh, uh

help.

Follow the sun.

Einstein.

Follow the sun.

Stick Man says follow-follow the sun.

Stick Man?

Okay. West.

Follow the sun, west. All right.

[groans] Come on.

[grunts]

[groaning]

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Okay. Okay.

Come on. Come on.

Please, Yahweh. Please, please, please.

Ha ha!

Oh.

[breathing shakily]

[laughs]

[breathes shakily]

"Charity f"

[grunts]

[whispering] Bootsy.

Let's roll.

[dispatch]

We've got a possible 242, suspect

Dummy up!

[radio chatter]

[radio chatter]

I still got it.

[whispering] You still got it.

You a bad man.

- Clear.

- [mutters]

- Like that tuck and roll, Boots.

- Yep.

I'm like Jesse Owens.

We should go. We should go. We should go.

- [Bootsy] sh*t!

- What?

The keys.

I'll catch up with you later, Ham.

[grunts]

[Hampton] Bootsy.

Bootsy.