01x02 - Get this! Chelsea got a package!

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning, everyone.

- [all] Good morning.

- How'd you sleep?

- Good.

I opened my window and I fell asleep

to the sound of ocean waves

and the smell of weed dispensaries.

Hey, where do you keep your beans?

I would love an Ethiopian Yirgacheffe

dark roast.

I have no idea what you just said.

We don't keep coffee in the house.

Sadhguru says caffeinated drinks

are water's drug addicted cousins.

Okay.

You know what? I'm in L.A. now,

I might as well embrace it.

Caffeine-addict Chelsea was the old me,

the me that was Dwayne's assistant,

and Dwayne's girlfriend,

and Dwayne's kidney donor

before we found out it was just gas.

I'm moving on to the new me.

What's on deck for the new me?

I mean you.

I mean, Chelsea, what are you doing today?

I have decided to get a job.

- That's great.

- Just don't become a lawyer.

It'll destroy your soul.

Also parking at the courthouse

is a nightmare.

Noted.

How are you with a camera?

I'm looking for a good videographer.

Um

Just cut a reel together

and e-mail it to my assistant.

That position is open as well.

The important thing is I am putting

Harvard and Dwayne behind me.

So I can focus on writing my novel.

For one must close a chapter

to thusly begin thy next anew.

You talk like a troll guarding a bridge.

[doorbell rings]

Chelsea, it's a package for you from

Dwayne.

Dwayne?

Maybe this time, it is "The Rock" Johnson.

Oh, Dwayne sent your stuff.

I'm sorry, Chels. That's gotta be so hard.

What? No, no. It's fine.

You know, it's a good thing.

We're both moving on.

Thusly.

But Dwayne only dumped you yesterday.

Yes, we're all very aware

of how recently my life fell apart.

That means he overnighted the box.

Okay, so he overnighted the box.

What's the big deal?

Or he didn't overnight the box.

- Perhaps it was sent a while ago.

- She's lawyering.

Ergo, the sending of the box

was a pre-meditated event

which would mean

- What would it mean, Solana?

- Hang on. Hang on.

Are you trying to say

Dwayne knew he was going

to break up with me before yesterday

and then he put me on a plane,

sent me across the country

having no intention of ever

joining me out here?

No. No way.

- Of course not.

- No.

Definitely not.

Actually, it says he sent this box

six days ago.

So, yes, that's exactly what happened.

- What?

- Oh, no, wait.

That was the wrong answer.

He sent it a month ago.

Still wrong?

I'm sorry,

I don't know how to help this woman.

[theme music playing]

[slurping]

She's been laying on the couch all day.

She just keeps staring at that box.

Has she even peed?

Chels, sweetie? Have you even peed?

Oh, what's the point?

To spend your eternity peeing

only having to pee again.

'Tis Sisyphean to piss and

pee again.

I actually get that.

Peeing is super annoying.

- Grant, what happened?

- You look like a sexy pirate.

I mean, pirate. They're all sexy.

Oh, yeah. It's no big deal.

I had a huge leg day with a client.

My right quad's a little tight.

Gonna grab my foam roller.

Oh, Grant, I'm sorry, but I think

Chelsea really needs it right now.

Oh, of course.

Foamy is an amazing snuggler.

[Claire] I feel so terrible for her.

When we were teenagers,

Chelsea moved in with our dad,

so we never got a chance to be there

for each other through breakups.

But now I can finally help her.

Into the shower?

By working my sisterly magic.

So if you will just give Chelsea

a bit of space,

- I'll get her through this in no time.

- Good thing.

Because the living room

is starting to smell a little like a

Fart in a Ford Focus.

You are so good at smells.

It's a gift.

Hey, do you mind if I meditate out here?

I'm trying to honor Claire's intention

to make space for Chelsea.

Our roommate of one day.

Go for it. We're giving Chelsea space too.

Instead of foam rolling,

I'm smashing my quad with my fist.

And I'm letting my horned out friend

watch Grant.

That's enough for today, Grandma.

Good night.

I can't meditate here

with these mosquitoes.

Bugs love vegans.

They can sense we're less threatening.

Gotcha, b*tch!

So how long do we think

Claire's sisterly magic is going to take?

Magic during a waning moon could be ages.

But I've got my weekly livestream tomorrow

for my rest and reloungation hour.

Sponsored by an adult onesie brand.

I've gotta do it from the sofa.

It's the most reloungational spot

in the house.

And I have an energy client coming.

A woman crying on a couch

might give people the idea

that astrological-based energy healing

isn't legitimate.

I'm sure it won't be much longer.

Claire's a super-good sister.

She's sweet. She's funny. She's beautiful.

She's caring and gentle.

She smells like honey.

- Grant, what?

- What?

What I mean is Claire's probably

got Chelsea feeling better already.

I hope I die soon.

And that my body decomposes

faster than this cardboard

that houses the shrapnel of my heart.

Wow, you sure know a lot of ways

to say you're sad.

Here, I heated up

a nice hot mug of Diet Coke for you.

Mm.

Why don't I get rid of this box for you

so you don't even

have to stare at it anymore?

I'll just get it all unpacked

and put away,

and you can focus on thusly beginning anew

your fresh start anew.

I suppose the quickest way

across the valley of grief

is directly through it.

- So?

- Yes. That's a yes.

Okay

Um

There's a picture of you and Dwayne.

And

an old Harvard sweatshirt.

And

What is this?

Is this a piece of chalk?

I saved it from the first lecture of his

I went to.

Ironically,

it was on the Romanticism period.

Oh.

- There's a note.

- [gasps]

[sniffing]

It's from Dwayne.

- Here, read it. I can't.

- Oh. Are you sure?

- I think I can handle it.

- You just said you can't.

Just read it.

Okay. Okay.

Um

"Chelsea, I hope you're satisfactory.

Enclosed, please find

your goods and chattels

dutifully packed and boxed

by my new assistant."

What? New assistant?

- Dwayne has a new assistant already?

- Is that bad?

- How could he?

- Clearly it's bad. But I don't know why.

He's replacing me with someone, Claire.

And not just as an assistant.

Dwayne is the Don Juan

of the Humanities Department,

and his signature method of citation

formatting alone is a panty dropper.

I bet they're already

making passionate love

on his splintered office floor.

I guess that explains your tweezers.

I'm glad you opened this box.

Because now I know what I need to do.

Spend every waking moment

figuring out who this trollop is.

Alesandra,

you were always all over Dwayne.

And now here you are

sliding into the comment section

of his doctoral thesis.

Chelsea, do you mind? I'm with a client.

Oh, right. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm not even here.

Okay. Just relax and re-center.

Then there's Yazmina.

With her big a*s jugs

that she acquired as part

of her indigenous pottery collection.

Plus she's got huge knockers.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

And no.

Psst. Psst.

Hi.

- Please continue with your breathing.

- It's kind of hard

- with Cold Case over there.

- Try!

- This is out of control.

- Yeah.

Claire's sisterly magic has made it worse.

Why can't Chelsea have her breakdown

in a Dunkin' Donuts bathroom

like the rest of us?

Chelsea's really starting

to pull through, don't you think?

I see you, Tabitha.

Yeah. No. She's not.

Look, Claire, I love you.

You're my best friend.

- I worship the ground you walk on.

- Same

But that ground is covered

in your sister's crap.

Yeah, and my client's so angry,

his third eye is glaring at me.

Sounds like he could use a healer.

Know anybody?

It's you.

I need to do my onesie livestream

from the sofa.

This is my job.

This is how I make my living.

And Chelsea is acting like a big baby.

[whines]

Maybe you could do it from somewhere else,

like the shed!

Ooh. The shed.

Sleepwear in a shed?

What, am I the boy from Room?

Okay, you're right.

I've been too delicate.

It's time to turn my sisterly magic

up to a nine.

But why not ten?

I'm saving that for Disneyland.

Oh, I can't.

Ugh. This is going to ruin my career.

It's literally the least reloungable place

in the history of relounging.

Ah! God.

So much wood.

Okay, Jayden Jay J. Michael Jiang,

it's just like Mother said, right?

Get on that runway

and I'll change your diaper after.

OMG, hi.

Welcome to the rest and reloungation hour,

sponsored by Onesie Night Stand,

the only adult onesie

perfect for a night in and a night out.

As you know, I'm Jayden Jay J. Michael

Don't mind that. That's just

a luxurious little gardening item.

As you can see, I'm here.

I'm livestreaming

from just the coziest, um, drafty shed.

Um

Uh

Anyway Good God!

[shrieks]

My backsie.

Foamy.

[gasps]

- What just happened?

- I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, was that your? Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Just okay?

No. I mean, it's okay that

You know what? Let's not talk in circles

- about me touching your

- p*nis.

Grant. I need to get back

to my investigation.

Oh, no need to investigate.

The other thing you touched was my nuts.

Hey, Chels.

How about I open the door

and get a little breeze going?

Oh, my, there's flowers out here.

But for whom?

They're for you!

Oh, and there's a note.

It's from Dwayne.

"I'm sorry for being a big creep

and sleeping with all my employees.

I respect you, and I want you

to prove me wrong by kicking butt in L.A."

- Okay, potty mouth.

- I don't have time for this.

- Wait, there's another note.

- Jesus.

It's from his new assistant, Tabitha.

You solved it.

Tabitha says, "I could never replace you

mentally or physically.

Seriously, you're way hot."

That was so sweet.

Claire, I know what you're trying to do.

But just stop.

Chels, I'm your sister.

Let me help you get through this.

Just because you're my sister doesn't

mean you magically know what I need.

So let me make it crystal clear!

I need you to leave me alone!

Okay.

Got it.

[Solana]

I am so sorry about today's session.

You know what? No.

I'm not gonna leave you alone because

what you are doing here is not okay!

- Here, Grant.

- I'm using that!

Not anymore!

Thank God.

This is their house too!

Chelsea, you can be mean to me,

but I will not let you be disrespectful

to my friends.

If you can't accept that,

I don't think you should live here.

Plot twist.

The shed-for-a-motel for rest

and reloungation hour was a hit!

My followers love the post. Obsessed.

And the onesie company is fixated

on a new butt flap for easy access.

So I'm, like, an inventor.

And I have you to thank for it.

Miss Jagged Little Pill.

Hey, do you want a free onesie?

You get a onesie, and you get a onesie,

and you get a onesie,

and you get a onesie.

We're all getting onesies!

I wanted to bring you free shots

to apologize for the whole Chelsea thing,

but I spilled them on the way here.

But maybe you can lick them off the tray.

It's okay.

You were just trying to be a good sister.

And you are a good sister.

Any sister would be lucky to have you

as a sister for that sister.

Thanks, Grant.

Yeah, it's fine.

My client didn't give me a bad review

in exchange for a free mantra.

And my comments section

is still blowing up.

People are saying I give good sh*t.

Oh.

I just got that.

Thanks, guys.

I'll be back with more free shots.

Claire, you gotta stop talking

about free shots in front of your manager.

I'm right here.

And please, Table 14

still hasn't gotten their anything.

On it. Thanks, Howard.

Wow, look at you.

Yeah, you look so much better

when you're not covered in filth.

Thank you. I took a shower.

I'll clean the ring around the tub later.

Um, look, I owe you all a huge apology.

I was really disrespectful

of your shared space and generosity,

and I'm really sorry.

It's all good. Breakups are hard.

I was so mixed up after my last breakup,

I RSVP'd yes

to a charcuterie party

at Armie Hammer's house.

Thanks, guys. Um, I'll be right back.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Claire, you said back at the house

that I could be mean to you,

but no, I can't.

I mean, I can. I'm very capable of it.

Senior year, my Poli Sci teacher told me

I had an Ayn Randian honesty.

But I shouldn't be mean to you.

You didn't do anything wrong.

If anything, you did everything right.

Yeah, except the hot Diet Coke.

I forgot the mini marshmallows.

We haven't lived together since I was 13.

It'll take a while to figure this out.

That is, if I can stay.

Of course.

Do you wanna hold hands?

I think the hug's enough.

Oh, I should tell you,

I did something bad.

What did you do?

Well, you were so upset and hurt by Dwayne

that I sent a bag of dog poop

to his house.

- Excuse me?

- They have companies that do that.

A revenge podcast I listen to

advertises it.

"Fifteen percent off the first bag

with offer code 'Get the Last Turd.'"

Wow. That is the grossest thing

anyone has ever done for me.

Thank you.

So, what's next?

Oh, well, you'll all be very happy to know

I have decided to start looking

for that job I was talking about.

Oh!

- That's great.

- Claire.

Your tables! We're understaffed again.

- Oh, my God! You need a job.

- Oh, Claire, no.

It's perfect.

Why didn't I think of this before?

- I don't wanna

- It's been in front of me this whole time.

You should work at

Grant's gym.

Yes. I know where we are. You asked Grant

to drive us to "your gym."

I thought you were gonna suggest

I work at your restaurant.

- Oh, my God, that's an even better idea!

- No, no, no.

Here you can read, write your novel,

and get paid.

There's plenty of down time.

The last person who worked here invented

organic water and is now a millionaire.

Plus, there's this amazing

cinnamon roll shop next door.

Every time I think about it,

I have to get one. It's happening.

This gym is really cool.

I'm just not sure that it's for me.

How do you know if something's for you

if you don't try it?

As a kid, I thought I'd hate

Brussels sprouts, so I wouldn't eat them.

Then I finally had some and I hated them.

Wouldn't have known unless I tried.

You hit me with these

life lessons when I least expect it.

You're like a buff Buddha.

Plus, if you worked here,

we'd get to hang out all the time.

Oh.

That does sound nice.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what? Yes,

I will take the job, if that's okay.

Sick. We open at 4:30 a.m. every morning.

Excuse me?

[theme music playing]