03x06 - Les Rapides De Rawdon

[bunniefuu]

[rousing rock music plays]

[music intensifies]

[Shoresy]: Fer what?

Starting a brawl in the stands.

It was clearly our booster club.

Everybody knows the Bluester
Club's ready to rip.

You can't suspend him
for the final game

for something that
happened in the stands.

Yes, we can, that's why
we're here. Ready to vote?

All right, hang on. Let's
do this diplomatically.

Don't be such a
f*ck' nerd, Gord.

- Shoresy!
- We've got a rep present

from all participating
teams. I think the Bulldogs

should be able to
plead their case,

we'll all get a
chance to weigh in,

and from there, we'll
make a decision. Cool?

- Cool.
- Cool.

- Fellas?
- Pardon?

- Moving right along.
- All right, Shoresy.

- She reps the Bulldogs.
- I rep the Bulldogs.

Then rep the Bulldogs.
We've got a final to play.

Here are the facts. The
Bulldogs and the Hunt

were playing a hockey game
last night. The Bulldogs won.

The Hunt are now eliminated
from the tournament,

and the Bulldogs
advance to the final

against Les Rapides de Rawdon.

- That's it?
- That's all that matters.

- Delaney, we'll go to you.
- I want him drug tested.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- Look at him.

He's f*ck' sniffin' yak.

We were up 3-0.
Shoresy started

a brawl in the stands that
affected the game on the ice.

- Physically impossible.
- They came back and won.

Sure that wasn't an acid
flashback, ya f*ck' loser?

It was a clear attempt
to disrupt the game.

Bit of a sour grapes
bias here, people.

We had to pause
play for 20 minutes.

Well, you're lucky you
didn't K-hole, Delaney.

All right, so you'd
vote to suspend him

for the final game?
- Yes.

[Gord]: Sly?
- No one's ever given a sh*t

about senior hockey.

This tournament's
internationally broadcasted.

He goes into the stands
and starts a fight

in the semi-final game.

You are so f*ck'
stunned, Sylvestri. Wow.

- He didn't throw a punch.
- He threw a beer.

- A beer got spilt.
- It's a bad look for all of us.

[Nat]: You were too
dirty to play for Boston.

Yeah, check your
own backyard, b*tch.

I don't think he should
play in the final.

That's two for
suspend him. Freisens?

- Pardon?
- Go ahead.

Where?

I mean, it's your turn to speak.

- Who?
- Either or.

Or what?

I mean either one
of you can speak.

- Okay.
- So, go ahead.

- Where?
- Okay, new rule.

You can't vote if you
can't count to say, 25.

- I actually agree.
- You can't vote

if you don't know what
animal goes "oink".

[Nat]: Let's keep this moving.

I won't keep you all
in suspense here.

My vote's to suspend him.
- You're undefeated.

- So are you.
- Do you really need this advantage?

No, but I want it.

All right then.

Shoresy, you're suspended.
- Fer what?!

[Gord]: Shoresy, you got
knocked out cold a few days ago.

- You'd be stupid to play, man.
- He knows.

That he's stupid? [both]:
f*ck you, Delaney.

You're really putting
yourself at risk

by playing so soon after.

Don't be such a
f*ck' p*ssy, Gord.

- Why do you want this so badly?
- Because it's the final

game of the tournament!
- Shoresy.

And it's his final game ever.

[Jory]: I'm Jory Jordan,
and this is the Sudbury

Kids Sports Report
with breaking news.

{\an8}Marie-Mai is the hottest
woman I've ever seen.

{\an8}Also, the worst player on the
Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs

{\an8}will retire after playing
his last game in the upcoming

{\an8}tournament final.

Marie-Mai, I'm in love with her.

I'm cut off my own
arm in love with her.

I'll never forget the first
time I saw that woman.

Her beauty was shocking.
Her image became so clearly

etched in my mind, I
could close my eyes

and masturbate to it. I could.

But instead I masturbate to
what every normal teenager does,

hard-core p*rn*graphy found
for free on the internet.

I know what you're thinkin'.

"Bet I know what he'd
like to do to her."

While internet porn
has shown me the thrill

of sticking your entire
fist in someone's mouth

while they shove their
entire fist up your a*s.

If given the opportunity, I'd
just like to tell Marie-Mai

how highly I regard her.
Aside from being beautiful

and multi-talented,
she's a devoted mother,

philanthropist, and role model
to young people everywhere.

So, what I'd like to do to
her? Look her in the eye,

shake her hand, and
tell her I respect her.

But here are the wives
of the Rawdon Rapids

starting line-up, and what
I'd like to do to them.

Chloe Deschamps.

Choking is popular
in p*rn*graphy.

Someone's always choking
someone. Though I've never had

the desire to choke or
be choked. Watching porn

has taught me that Chloe
most certainly has.

Genevieve Lachappelle.

I saw a video recently of a man

spitting into a woman's mouth,

which she appeared
to enjoy immensely.

I can only assume
Genevieve would too.

It's always good to say
something degrading.

I was raised not to speak
disrespectfully to women,

but perhaps Manon
could say to me...

[speaking French]

Which loosely translates to,

"Show me your hot hobbit ba*ls."

Coralie Montagne. Let's
try a little role-play.

You be the saucy older teacher,

I'll be the much younger student
who, judging by his runty frame,

shouldn't have a
gigantic p*nis. But does!

[Tessa]: That is so dirty.

The dirtiest player
in the tournament,

as advertised.

Golfed in the ankle one game.
Knocked out cold the next.

It's no wonder Shoresy's
hangin' 'em up after the final.

- He's too old for this.
- RA?

- Who f*ck' cares?
- Well, judging by our growing

viewership of the National
Senior Tournament broadcast,

a decent amount of people.
- Woopty f*ck' doo.

Listen, I'm just gonna say
what everyone else is thinking.

It's the physicality.
- I can't believe the amount

of fighting in this tournament.
- People tune in for it.

They can't help it.

But these are
championship games.

It's senior whale sh*t hockey.

It's bush league.

Who can complain?

Every game has a
handful of big goals,

a bunch of big
hits, and a fight.

- Two.
- Two fights?

Per game. On average.

Okay, that is bush league.

There's a national
title on the line.

And they've all gotta go
to work in the morning.

Either way, this is hockey
the way a lot of people

remember it, and how many
people still prefer it.

- More than you'd think.
- I'm from Boston,

you're preachin' to the choir.
- Tonight, the host

Sudbury Blueberry
Bulldogs face off

in the National Senior
Tournament final

against Les Rapides de Rawdon,

owned by Quebec pop
icon, Marie-Mai,

who has declared that if
her team wins the fights,

they win the game. As
for JJ Frankie JJ...

He's the only one of
them that isn't hurt.

{\an8}- Physically.
- For now.

{\an8}[speaking French]

After this week's expl*sive

exposé on Hey Vous Autres,

it's safe to say
that the big man

will have a very big
target on his back.

[Shoresy]: Big as the
moon. [children giggle]

So big, in fact, that
a single Frankie fart

can smell like up to
four kinds of fast food.

[children laugh]

- Yes.
- I switched from Lucky Charms

to Denver omelettes
for breakfast

and have much more
energy in the morning.

Well, there's a W for you, Nat.

And don't forget
what you guys learned

at the Q&A webinar.
- And hey, you parents, too,

I don't care whose
birthday party it is,

there's such a thing
as too many two-liters.

[children laugh]

All right, final words
of advice for the kids?

Hitch, why don't
we start with you?

I'm not tryin' to tell ya
to go out and punch no one

in the head, but if ya does,

ya might get a bit more
room out there next time

ya has the puck, b'ys.
- There are girls here, too.

- Are there?
- Yes.

- Which one's a girl?
- Shoresy.

[Michaels]: Dolo.

{\an8}[Michaels]: Goody.

Make a good first impression

and always leave a lasting one.

[players]: Nice. Goody.

- He stole it from somewhere.
- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did.
- He's smart, wow.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

Well, as for me, kids,
I just say wanna say...

Michaels, I'm just gonna
jump in here real quick.

[children laugh]

Kids, you got a million
people in your ear

trying to make it
about a million things

other than hockey.

Whether they got ya comin'
to the rink to compete

or to play, or to participate,

it's always more
fun when you win.

You're gonna lose more
times than you can remember.

You'll never forget
when you win.

- Thanks, Shoresy.
- Don't be losers.

Okay. [children laugh]

Do you wanna be a winner
or do you wanna be a loser?

- That's it for our seminar...
- Go win!

If you do, you'll finally get
to fix your stupid haircut.

[children laugh]

Huh.

[players chatter]

[Jill]: Hi. Hi.

Hi. Shoresy.

Is it cool if I call you that?

- Mm-hmm.
- Everybody else

has been calling you
that at the seminars.

- Mm-hmm.
- And the webinar.

And the webinar.

Your audience doubled, then
tripled with these talks.

Must feel good.
- For the community,

by the community.
- Nice of you guys to give back.

That's what hockey players do.

You know, I've been thinking
about something you said.

How people are
trying to make hockey

about everything other
than hockey. I agree.

Yeah, things are getting
a little bit weird, eh?

Everybody needs to
stop being weird.

Just stop being weird.

You know, the kids like
you. They listen to you.

They shouldn't listen
to Michaels. Seriously.

[chuckles]

I'd like them to
listen to you more.

We're starting a hockey school
with a select group in Sudbury.

You know, trying to get the
kids focused on the game again.

Try to get them
focused on winning.

And we'd like you
to work with them.

Think that's something
you'd be into?

No.

Hmm. Okay. Well,

think about it for a while
and I'll come find you.

[Jory]: I'm Jory Jordan
and this the Sudbury

Kids Sports Report Live.

Shoresy, quick word
for the SKSR Live?

Well, my ankle's
k*lling me, but f*ck it,

this is probably the last time
I'll ever have to do this, Jory,

so let's go.
- It's good to be with you,

Shoresy, I think a lot
of people would've just

ended it all by now.
- Maybe.

I can only assume you're
still reeling from

the NOSHO Cup loss?
- Lil' bit.

No inclination to
neck a bottle of pills

or make some toast in a bathtub?
- Nope.

You let down an entire town,
your teammates, and yourself.

What advice do you have for
other balding, 40-year-old

losers going
through tough times?

- Hang in there, kid.
- A positive attitude

is essential for any captain.
Tell me, how do you manage

to stay strong while falling
short of expectations

over and over?
- Well, just gotta pull yourself

up by the bootstraps.
- I've heard your recent play

called everything from
pitiful to pathetic.

But it's not as
pitiful or pathetic

as Frankie's recent
subtweeting at Marie-Mai.

- Oh no, what's he saying now?
- Today's tweets include,

"Thanks for reminding
me why I never open up."

[Shoresy scoffs]
- "All I wanted was to be

somebody's somebody."
- What? No.

And finally, "I gave her all of
me and left none for myself."

- What a loser!
- That's all for the Sudbury

Kids Sports Report.
- Hey! You really

like this Marie-Mai, eh?

She takes my breath
away. With her image.

Though I do also wonder if
she'd like to take my breath

away with her hands.
- Oh, my God.

That's all for the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report Live.

- Oh, my God.
- We out?

Hey man, thanks.
- Thanks?

A lot of people watch
when I have you on.

I'm running a business here
and you're good for business.

So, thank you.

[Nat]: He didn't say that.

- Fine, he didn't say it.
- I don't believe it.

I don't care.

We need Frankie tonight.

Well, Frankie's got a
mental battle to win.

[Nat sighs]

- How you feeling?
- About what?

How you feeling?

Oh, I could really use a
shoulder right now, Nat.

Thanks for asking.
- Oh, shut up.

There's a lot of
things coming up.

You know, a lot of emotions.
- Okay, okay. Okay!

I need somewhere to put it.
You know, I don't wanna just

bury it like I do
everything else.

[Shoresy chuckles]

Well, I'm gonna
follow Jory's lead,

and I'm gonna say thank
you right now, too.

Fer what?

For always finding
a way to contribute.

For dragging this
team into the fight.

For giving back
to the community.

Well, I know how much
that f*ck' means to you.

And for the Bluester Club.

Well, the Bluester
Club's ready to rip.

You inspire our guys, man.

You motivate them.

You cook for them.

What's good for the goose.

Thank you.

You gonna cry? [Nat exhales]

You are. You're welling
up. I can see it.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- You can't hide that from me.

Come on, sit down, we'll
let it all up together.

We need to stop
compartmentalizing.

- You've got press.
- Yew!

This is it. [Shoresy]:
You look this good

for all your interviews?

I took a bit of extra
time for this one.

My God, woman, you
look fantastic.

- Thank you.
- How're we gonna get

anything f*ck' done?
- Don't worry, I'm a professional.

- Are you? Huh?
- Huh?

A professional with her feet

touching my feet
while she's at work?

How long did you
plan on playing?

So long as I can fog a mirror.

Well, Bobby Baun
played on a broken leg.

Zdeno Chara played
with a broken jaw.

- Like, wired shut?
- If he puked, he would've died.

- Why would he puke?
- Well, there's a lot of f*ck'

ugly dudes in the show.
- Why would he put himself

at risk like that?
- 'Cause hockey players

don't give a f*ck.
- Apparently.

He would've played with an
eye hangin' out of his skull

or a nut hangin'
out of his sack.

What're you gonna miss the most?

- The room.
- Yeah?

- The boys.
- In that order.

Well, and being able
to just haul off

and punch some dude in
the back of the head

if I don't like what he's doin'.

Think you'll be
happy without hockey?

Will you be happy?

["Serene Demon" by
Art d'Ecco plays]

[♪]

[music softens]

♪ You'll be happy
in a little while ♪

♪ You'll be happy
in a little while ♪

♪ So they tell ya ♪

♪ You'll be happier
in a little while ♪

♪ So they tell ya ♪

♪ You'll be happier
in a little while ♪

♪ Oh, they tell ya ♪

♪ You'll be happier
in little while ♪

[dramatic inspiring music]

[♪]

[crowd cheers]

[whistle blows]

[crowd shouting]

[indistinct shouting]

[player]: Come on,
come on, come on!

[crowd jeers]

[Rapides players cheer]

I wanted the first one.

Hey, hey.

[whistle blows]

[crowd jeers]

Take it easy. Two-goal lead
is the worst lead in hockey.

[buzzer honks]

[Shoresy]: I'd rather
be up two than down two.

It's the fastest
game we've seen.

Don't tell that to the Italians.

- I won't.
- Can tell 'em

they're the ugliest, though.

[Anik]: Rawdon's sh**ting
everything tonight.

[Shoresy]: I don't even
wanna know the shots.

You've had plenty
of scoring chances,

but can't seem to
find the twine.

Well, French goalies
are really good.

What needs to change
in the second period?

[Sanguinet]: Jim.
- Yeah?

[Sanguinet]: Jim.
- Yes.

[Sanguinet]: Jim.
- Ready to swing

the momentum here, Sanger.

New period, boys.

You gotta set the f*ck' tone!

- Ready to go.
- B'ys they're shootin' everything.

I never see a team with
so many injuries as this,

but we gotta be blockin' shots.

{\an8}Help out Michaels, boys.
Get the body in front of it.

[Michaels]: Yeah,
but we need shots.

Boys, we're not
gonna win this game

unless we score
some f*ck' goals.

Gotta find a f*ck' way.

Frankie, you gotta
find a way, big boy.

{\an8}Let's get one here
and keep going.

I know you're all hurt,
but we need to see

everything you've got
for 40 more minutes.

Come on, boys, let's
f*ck' see it, huh?

[Hitch]: Get the body in
front of it out there, b'ys!

- Let's f*ck' go!
- Set the tone.

[tense electronic music]

[rhythmic hip-hop music]

[cheering]

[hip-hop music continues]

[crowd cheering]

[whistle blows]

[player]: Hey!

[crowd jeers]

[whistle blows]
- f*ck!

[crowd jeers]

[whistle blows]

[Rapides players cheer]

[crowd jeers]

[buzzer honks]

[players panting]

[Nat]: Shoresy!

Yo!

How bad is it?

- Doesn't matter.
- No excuses.

[Ziig]: Seriously,
how banged up are we?

[Shoresy]: Doesn't matter.

Never let them know you're hurt.

[Miig]: How are we
gonna score four?

Gonna find that
f*ck you attitude.

[helmet clatters]

[stirring electronic music]

You keep the puck out.

Need you to keep the f*ck'
puck out. Can you do it?

Just worry about the
guy at the other end.

I got him. Don't
worry about him.

Can you keep the
f*ck' puck out?

- Yeah.
- Keep the f*ck' puck out.

Need five f*ck' goals, boys.

Need five f*ck' goals here.
I know everybody's hurt.

We need five f*ck'
goals. Who wants 'em?

Who wants the goals? Hitch.

You ever been on
a team this good?

- No.
- Get one for us.

Dolo.

You ever win a national title?
- Nah, bro.

Get one for us.

Goody.

You ever been on the best team
in the entire f*ck' country?

- Not yet, Shoresy.
- Get one for us.

Fish, you'll never be back
here again, ya f*ck' loser.

You know it.
- I know.

Get one for us.

Hey, big boy.

Everybody's playin'
through something here.

You gotta play through it.

{\an8}[Dolo translating into French]

{\an8}You gotta battle.

{\an8}Whatever's f*ck' goin'
on in Quebec, forget it.

[Dolo translating]

[Shoresy]: You gotta
play through it.

We need ya. We need ya here.

We need ya. [Dolo translating]

[Shoresy]: Come on.

[stirring music quickens]

[crowd cheering uproariously]

[crowd cheering]

How's your hand?

How's your hand,
ya f*ck' idiot?

Hey, how's your hand feel on
the back of my f*ck' helmet?

I didn't drop 'em.
They both dropped 'em.

I didn't drop 'em. I
never f*ck' dropped 'em.

I still have my
f*ck' gloves on.

I didn't drop 'em.
They both dropped 'em.

[music intensifying]

[cheering]

[horn honks]

[music quickens]

[cheering]

[inaudible shouting]

[♪]

[cheering]

[inaudible shouting]

[♪]

[cheering]

[♪]

[buzzer honks]

[music stops abruptly]

[muffled soundscape]

[muffled cheering]

How was the two-day bender?

You'll have to ask someone else.

- Sorry I couldn't join.
- Too old for this.

- I know I am.
- I meant I'm too old for this.

So, break it down for
me. You win the game,

you raise the trophy.
- In our own barn.

Off the ice and into the
room. Champagne showers?

- Mm-hmm.
- Then what?

[joyful electronic music]

[inaudible conversations]

[♪]

[Laura]: Looks good.
- Thanks.

- Then what?
- Quick chat with BROdude

and off to supper
where Ol' Gorgeous

did not disappoint.

I love that about
hockey players.

You all spend the week
trying to k*ll each other,

but there's almost
never any carryover

after the final buzzer. A
handshake, and it's done.

Don't want the
beers gettin' warm.

[joyful electronic music]

[inaudible conversations]

[♪]

- Well, it's all pretty cute.
- Oh, I know that look.

- Do ya?
- Like you wanna take me home.

Like I wanna take you home
and grab you by the honker?

Like you wanna take me home

and grab me right
by the ding-dong.

Wait, what was the quick
chat with BROdude all about?

[music stops]
[Shoresy]: Just...

crushing beers!

[Emma]: Hey, Shoresy.

Can I talk to you for
a sec? [Shoresy]: Okay.

- Nice hair.
- Yeah, Hitch barely looks

like a f*ck' idiot at all now.

Yeah, that's a
good look for you.

If it weren't for
his face, he'd barely

look like a f*ck'
idiot at all.

- What's with the new look?
- Oh, we were just

being degenerates.
We cut off our hair

and couldn't fix it
until we won it all.

- It's a good deal.
- It's a better deal

if you're not a
degenerate at all.

But I wouldn't say it's fixed.

Get the f*ck outta
here, Michaels.

So, you're done as a player.

Yeah, did ya wanna
say, "Sorry to hear"?

- I wanna offer you a job.
- No then, eh?

How would you like to be an
analyst for BROdude Hockey?

[curious music plays]

They want you to be an analyst?

Yeah, said they wanted a
really good-lookin' guy.

I dunno.
- Really.

I guess they were
havin' a hard time

finding really smart,
good-lookin' guys. I dunno.

How much are they
gonna offer you?

- Why?
- Because I have to match it.

Fer what?

You're gonna coach.

[hip-hop music]