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01x02 - How To Put Up Scaffolding

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "How To with John Wilson". Aired: October 23, 2020 – September 1, 2023.*
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John Wilson attempts to give advice while dealing with his own personal issues.

01x02 - How To Put Up Scaffolding

Post by bunniefuu »

(VEHICLE BEEPING)

(GLASS CRACKING)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JOHN WILSON: Hey.

Everyone in New York

is going to die.

But sometimes the city tries

to stop that from happening.

Many people worry about things

that can k*ll them at eye level.

But you're probably more likely

to be destroyed

by something above you.

This is why

the city has installed

a sprawling network

of temporary sidewalk shelters

to protect pedestrians

from falling objects.

(CLEARS THROAT)

This is called scaffolding,

and almost everywhere

you look in Manhattan,

you are guaranteed to see

some form of it.

It's as common

as a fire hydrant

or a honking horn,

but most New Yorkers

don't even seem to

give it a second thought.

So, do you have strong thoughts

about scaffolding?

No, not at the moment.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) ♪

JOHN: I didn't understand why

there was so much of it

in New York,

so I went on an expedition

to figure out

why anyone would wanna cover up

such a handsome city

in so much scaffolding.

There wasn't always this much

scaffolding in New York.

-(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-Long ago,

the island of Manhattan

was a lush, green paradise.

But ever since the Dutch

came across the sea

and colonized

this unspoiled virgin island,

New York has been a casualty

to man's ravenous appetite

for over-development.

Once the original settlers

tamed the bedrock,

the only other direction

to build was upwards,

towards the heavens.

(PIANO MUSIC STOPS) ♪

At this point,

New York has some of the oldest,

tallest, uh, most historic

buildings in the country.

But their toxic relationship

with gravity

has, uh, turned them

into a fatal liability.

In 1979, a young student

was hit by a brick

that fell off the facade

of a building and k*lled her.

This is the intersection

where it happened, right here.

Her name was Grace Gold.

And they renamed the street

after her, uh,

a few years later.

After she died,

the city passed a local law

which basically says that

every building in New York

has to have their façade

inspected every five years,

whether the building needs it

or not.

This turned

New York City scaffolding

into an eight-billion-dollar-

a-year industry.

And it doesn't seem like

it's gonna be slowing down

anytime soon.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC STOPS) ♪

JOHN: The average scaffold is

made of a few simple elements.

Your main vertical pole

is called the standard,

or sometimes the upright.

These are usually made of steel

or aluminum.

And, um

Uh

The people

that put up scaffolding

are affectionately known

as "scaffies."

And they may do more

to alter the landscape

than any other group of people

in New York.

(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

They are a polarizing bunch.

Uh they seem like

a vigorous and virile breed.

But there are also hierarchies,

uh, within the business

that most people

may be unaware of.

A scaffie is someone

that actually erects

most of the structure.

A "groundie" is someone

that yells at a scaffie

from the street to make sure

they're doing the right thing.

The "plankie" is in charge

of all the wood.

The "flagger" tells civilians

where to walk,

uh, while the "beam boys"

move the steel overhead.

The "foremen" make sure

that everything is done

according to

OSHA safety standards.

Every crew has a

a "hammer guy," uh, just one.

Or sometimes two.

Two hammer guys.

Uh, the "roll-dog" drives

the crew between job sites.

The "bathroom attendant"

gives them a

a pot to piss in.

The "sweetman" cools them down

at the end of a long afternoon.

And Spot here, uh,

grabs them the paper.

-(DOG BARKS)

-JOHN: Atta boy.

And when they all work together,

this glorious ballet

produces a majority

of New York's roughly

280 miles of scaffolding.

Because scaffolding

is only meant to be temporary,

the people who put it up

usually don't care how it looks.

At best, the design

of most scaffolding

is aggressively neutral.

But a lot of people see this

as a divine opportunity

to personalize it

and make it their own.

Outside of this building,

they covered it in fake vines,

which makes it feel

like you're waltzing

through some kind

of Italian villa.

(MANDOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-(FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-JOHN: And it seems like

across the city,

just about every culture

has made scaffolding its own.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It's a dancing night

Gonna dance the ni ♪

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

("I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU"

BY THE REMBRANDTS PLAYING) ♪

("HALLOWEEN" BY

MAURA MATLAK PLAYING) ♪

Halloween, Halloween ♪

Halloween ♪

-Hehehe ♪

-Trick or treat ♪

My friend-o'-lantern

We call him Jack, he's gri ♪

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪

JOHN: Many residents of New York

have discovered practical ways

to make use of scaffolding.

This person turned it into

a a public fitness center.

This person is using scaffolding

as an office.

This person, uh, turned it

into a ba a bathroom.

These people turned it

into a bedroom.

-(PLAYING FLUTE)

-JOHN: This person turned it

into their own personal

concert venue.

When I asked him

how to get to Carnegie Hall,

he said, uh, he didn't know.

I pass these guys every day,

and they're always

playing backgammon

underneath the scaffolding

day and night,

in every kind of weather.

I even met someone

who used scaffolding

on a romantic date.

He had scaffolding set up

on the side of his house.

It was in Hawaii.

He left me outside

when it rained.

That was interesting.

-JOHN: Like this?

-Yep, yep.

But picture, um

of course, without clothes.

Because, like I said,

he was a nudist.

And, uh, that's the time

he came in with the blindfold,

he used a whip on me.

And, um, he he edged me

while I was blindfolded,

then he'd just walk away.

And, um, session lasted

about two hours.

And then he did finish me off,

and I squirted

all over the floor.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JOHN: I went to a museum

in Queens,

and they had

an art installation

that was entirely made

out of scaffolding.

It was heavily decorated with,

uh, waterfalls and stuff

and even a bunch

of hammocks

that people could relax on.

They even paid 22 dollars each

for the chance to admire it

and interact with it.

I guess it doesn't take much

to transform

such a common object

into something extraordinary.

It's kind of like

when a superhero puts on a cape

and for some reason, no one

can recognize them anymore.

And when I left, I noticed

that every single building

outside the museum had

scaffolding up in front of it.

But nobody seemed to want

to interact with this stuff.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Since the dawn of cinema,

scaffolding has

offered a setting

for some of our

wildest fantasies.

Countless action scenes

have taken place

on or around scaffolding.

This includes pretty much

every movie

that Jackie Chan

has ever been in.

It seems like the poor guy

just can't catch a break

whenever there's construction

going on.

It's probably so popular

because it's a modular set piece

that is stable enough

to fight on

and makes sense in almost

any environment.

It often transmits that

whatever property they're on

is not worthy of respect,

and that any damage they do

to the structure

is of no significance.

It's a great place

for comedy too

and drama.

It's industrial, yet romantic,

and its erotic qualities

cannot be denied.

There are a lot

of iconic buildings

that show up all the time

in movies about New York City.

There's usually never anything

obstructing them

in the establishing shots,

but in reality,

all of these buildings

are usually covered

by a bunch of scaffolding.

Here's the Flatiron Building

in The Usual Suspects

and here's what it usually

looks like.

Here's the Plaza Hotel

in the background

of Midnight Cowboy

and here it is in real life.

Here's Tiffany's in the movie

Breakfast at Tiffany's

and here

and there's scaffolding.

Here's 101 Park Avenue

in Gremlins 2,

and it seems like

it's one of the few buildings

that's untouched in real

Nope, actually, there

there's scaffolding there too.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC STOPS) ♪

We cover ourselves

in scaffolding all the time.

Uh, braces are scaffolding

of the mouth.

A cast can be a scaffold

for the limbs.

A brassiere is scaffolding

for the breast.

These things give us structure,

support, and protection.

We even have scaffolding

in our bodies,

inside every cell.

BIOLOGIST: Um, this is

the scaffolding protein

-in pink here.

-JOHN: Ah.

BIOLOGIST: And this is

the three different proteins

you might have positioned on it

that need to work together.

JOHN: Could we live

without scaffolding proteins

-in our bodies?

-No. No.

JOHN: But not everyone

likes scaffolding.

-(SAD MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

-I've almost had that stuff

hit me in the head.

'Cause these guys are up there,

and they don't know

what they're doing.

And they they're

barely able to hold it up.

And you're walking underneath

And one time,

a piece actually fell,

and it was maybe

about eight feet away from me,

but it was about that far away

from the pregnant woman

in front of me.

So we both got hysterical.

JOHN: A lot of people complain

that it interrupts foot traffic

and obscures the signage

of, uh,

beloved businesses underneath.

This lawyer had an amazing view,

but not anymore.

A lot of trees don't receive

the light that they deserve

underneath all this stuff.

It decreases property value

sometimes,

and also decreases

the quality of life

-for the residents inside.

-(MUSIC FADES) ♪

WOMAN: This scaffolding

has been up for (LAUGHS)

-for over a year now.

-JOHN: Oh, really?

WOMAN: Uh, it's

(SIGHS)

This, uh, it blocks

your view of the street.

We have some

nice trees out here.

You can't see the trees.

We've had people drilling

outside. (IMITATES DRILL)

You know

It's It's depressing.

It's just depressing.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JOHN: Sometimes people

even spontaneously snap

and try to take it down

themselves.

But if you really can't stand

scaffolding outside

of your building,

the most effective

removal method

is to hop into a cab, uh,

put on your seat belt,

and tell the driver

to plow strai to to

to drive directly into it.

Um, then, they'll have to

take it all down.

And everyone will thank you

for your service.

(SINGING)

Sandman, bring me ♪

JOHN: Most New Yorkers

will put up with anything

as long as they know

it's temporary.

(SINGING) Bring me a dream ♪

JOHN: But for some people,

the temporary nature

of something can be the problem.

BLIND MAN:

You won't know there's

there's a pole there

until you run right into it.

Uh, the ones I really hate

is when you got poles that are,

uh, elevated mostly,

um, like chest level,

uh, stomach level,

or even head level,

where the cane can actually

glide under under it

and it won't detect it.

And you won't know there's

a pole there until you hit it.

-You see how this one is lower?

-JOHN: Yeah.

So, immediately, I would, uh,

immediately try to go

around this if I feel it.

Goes right underneath.

Uh, yeah, it'd be great

to live in a city

without scaffolding.

But, um, unfortunately, uh

you know,

you work with what you got.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JOHN: About a decade ago,

I had this job where

I had to wake up at 4 a.m.

and go film infomercials

that were broadcast live

to local cable stations

around the country.

It was right here

at 229 West 36th Street.

I spent many, many cold mornings

waiting for someone

to buzz me in

so I could go

sh**t some infomercials.

This is one of the things

that I shot.

I was instructed to film

the beef exactly like this,

for ten hours straight.

So, they're just wonderful.

They're all the buzz right now.

Sweet and savory,

just delicious.

Your guests will love them,

and you will totally take them

to Roast-Beef-atopia.

JOHN: I remember

after the first one I did,

I told myself that

I would never return

under any circumstances.

But five years later,

I was still somehow standing

behind the same camera,

filming the same beef

the same way.

INFOMERCIAL HOST:

Look at all that great food,

hand-trimmed to exacting

specifications (INAUDIBLE)

JOHN: I was afraid

I wouldn't be able to

support myself

without steady work,

even though I knew in my heart

that I was helping to create

some of the most grotesque

content on the planet.

(TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

It's really easy to settle for

something that you don't like.

Because if you never admit

you're unhappy

with something

then you never have

to change anything.

Most of us don't speak up

when we're dissatisfied

and then things just

begin to accumulate

until you can't really

imagine an alternative.

You could end a relationship

that offers you nothing,

or you could just

stay in it indefinitely

because it's too hard

to move on.

This scaffolding has been up

for over 20 years.

It's at 409 Edgecombe Avenue

in the Sugar Hill area

of Harlem.

Yeah, it's been here

my entire life.

I don't know when it was put up,

when they plan on

bringing it down. It's

It's just something

that's been here.

Like, I I know we used it

for, like, sports and games.

I know I used to play,

like, manhunt,

and we used to climb up this

and just run it.

You know, to me, I

I've known it my whole life,

so, to me, it is a landmark.

JOHN: But despite whatever

emotional attachment you have

scaffolding was never designed

to be up for this long.

I was walking down

Fifth Avenue recently,

and I saw that a bunch of

scaffolding had just collapsed.

There were broken planks

and bricks everywhere,

but thankfully, nobody was hurt.

It seemed like

all this old scaffolding

was a ticking time b*mb.

But instead of figuring out

a way to get it down sooner,

the only noticeable innovation

has been to make it

more stylish.

In 2009, they held a

scaffolding design competition,

and this thing won.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Not long after,

its creamy, pearly-white pillars

started to pop up on some of the

city's more genteel buildings.

Although it may be brighter

and less cave-like,

this new scaffold seems

a lot less customizable.

There are fewer places

to hang things.

And I can't imagine

an action scene

working the same way.

It's almost as if it wants

New York to be a different city,

where it looks like

every building

shops at the same store.

And I'm not sure that

turning scaffolding

into a status symbol

is really making us any safer.

(MUSIC STOPS) ♪

Fortunately, there was

a scaffolding convention

happening, uh,

down in New Orleans.

So I went down there

to see if there was

a solution on the horizon

that could work for everyone.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

When I checked in

to the Sheraton,

I could already see signs

that the scaffolding industry

had invaded.

This was supposed to be

the cutting edge

of scaffold technology,

and I was, uh,

I was very excited.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

-JOHN: Did you invent this?

-Yeah.

JOHN:

Uh, why did you invent this?

Because I had a window cleaner

fall off a building and die.

JOHN: Oh.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

WINDOW WASHER MANUFACTURER:

And we can make it 13 feet long.

It's an eight-footer now,

but we

That's a small side brush,

so we can add

two side brushes

and it'll clean

It'll clean almost

twice as much.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC STOPS) ♪

JOHN: Wow.

I only talked

to a couple of people

before the organizers

of the convention approached me

and told me that I needed

to stop filming.

Uh, why is that?

ORGANIZER 1:

ORGANIZER 2: Yes.

JOHN: They said that there were

too many industry secrets here,

and I couldn't be trusted

not to steal them.

So I can't go around

ORGANIZERS:

JOHN: All right.

I was crushed.

But thankfully,

there were a bunch of

scaffolding people

hanging around outside,

and they were fine telling me

all their secrets.

Business is good,

business is booming, uh,

our s our sales

are increasing year over year.

If you're in New York City,

you will

you will never

get away from scaffolding,

-I can promise you that.

-(CHUCKLES)

JOHN: Do you worry

about stuff falling on you, uh,

when you walk around cities?

-Oh, yes. Yes.

-Sometimes, yes.

Unless my husband has done

the scaffolding,

I don't worry about it.

JOHN: When you see

a well-done scaffolding job,

do you see beauty?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-And safety.

-Yes.

JOHN: Can scaffolding be art?

-Yes, it can. It is art.

-It is. Yes.

-It is art.

-It is art.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JOHN: Walking around downtown,

I actually didn't even see

any scaffolding.

Maybe this is because all

the scaffolding in New Orleans

was actually built into

the architecture down here.

It was a beautiful alternative.

Would New York be better off

if we had something permanent

instead of this temporary stuff

being erected

and dismantled all the time?

Is this what it looks like

when you finally commit

to something?

The locals here were lucky

to live in a state of bliss

enjoyed only by those

ignorant of scaffolding.

What are your thoughts

on scaffolding?

I don't even know what that is,

I'm gonna be honest with you.

JOHN: Do you ever worry about,

uh, things falling

and hitting you on the head?

All the time.

They got balconies up here,

they got people

who would throw sh*t at you.

I've had it happen to me.

They'll see the big gold

glasses, a nice juicy buff guy.

"Hey, that's a target.

Let's get him."

All the time, it happens,

believe me.

JOHN: Can you do a trick for me?

Sure. (MUFFLED)

You wanna hold the mic?

(STREET MUSICIAN SINGING) ♪

JOHN: The only scaffolding

I could find anywhere

was at the new Hard Rock Hotel,

which was being built on

Canal and North Rampart Street.

Compared to what I was used

to seeing in New York,

this scaffolding looked cheap

and haphazardly assembled.

And for the size

of the building,

I couldn't imagine that

it would offer much protection

if something were to fall

from way up above.

I was stunned to see that

the entire side of the building

that faced North Rampart had

no scaffolding set up at all.

And for the first time

in my life,

I found myself wishing for

a little more scaffolding.

I'd heard there was a place

in the French Quarter

that made a c*ck served

in a fishbowl.

So I went looking around for it.

And I ran into a guy

from the convention

who actually bought and sold

scaffolding companies.

And he wanted to talk.

Do you think there's such

a thing as too much scaffolding?

No.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

JOHN: Why not?

It's where I make my living.

There can never be too much

scaffolding.

Roll it out.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

JOHN: The whole industry

seemed pretty confident

that scaffolding

was here to stay

and it would continue to grow

like a fungus,

but I couldn't help but think

that it posed its own danger.

I tried going to a bar

to get away from the industry

for a minute,

but even the movie

they had on at the pub

was filled

with cartoon scaffolding.

I even read

a terrifying statistic

that scaffolding failure

was responsible for 80 deaths

annually across the country.

Maybe these people

in the construction industry

weren't as careful

as we thought.

And when I went back

to Bourbon Street,

I saw the same guy from before

wandering around,

half drunk,

without a care in the world

trying to find the right

strip club to go into, like

uh, Goldilocks tasting porridge.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS) ♪

JOHN: The next morning,

I walked down to the levee

to clear my head.

I guess a levee is kind of

like scaffolding too

and sometimes its failure

could be extremely dangerous

for the people

it's designed to protect.

There was a fisherman

down there,

and I wondered how he felt

about living in a city

that's constantly trying

to k*ll you.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

JOHN: I guess sometimes

the beauty of a city

is in its danger.

But you do always have a choice

in how much risk

you wanna take on.

And no one is really forcing you

to live on the edge.

(RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

So, I headed home

and it was great to

finally, uh,

be back in New York.

But shortly after I arrived,

I saw some terrible news.

The Hard Rock Hotel that

I had just been filming

down in New Orleans

had just collapsed

and k*lled three people.

MAN: Oh, my God!

NEWS ANCHOR:

Panic and mass confusion

in the heart of New Orleans.

This morning, the upper floors

of the Hard Rock Hotel,

currently under construction,

suddenly began to crumble.

JOHN: The video was horrifying.

And I couldn't believe

that I had just been standing

right underneath it

just a a few days before.

They had to keep everyone out

of the area for a while,

because the only way to make

the construction site safe again

would be to blow up

the cranes that were dangling

precariously above the street.

But they weren't even sure

how to do that safely.

And the more

I watched the video,

the more I suspected that

no amount of scaffolding

could have prevented

something like this.

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You can waste your entire life

playing it safe.

But the real danger is never

what you expect it to be.

And if you put up too much

scaffolding to protect yourself,

you might just end up

buried underneath it.

But if we try real hard

to take it down,

piece by piece

eventually, one day,

it'll all be gone.

And only then will we know

if it was all for show.

It could be kind of scary

at first

but we may be better off

finding new ways

to protect ourselves from

all the uncertainty in the sky.

-(MUSIC STOPS) ♪

-(BIRD CAWING)

(expl*si*n BOOMS)

(CAR ALARMS BLARING)

JOHN: This is John Wilson.

Thanks for watching.

(ALARMS CONTINUE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

JOHN WILSON: A good memory is

one of the most attractive

qualities a person can have.

My memory's not very good,

and it's always

made me feel insecure.

(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪