02x08 - Everyone Hates Me

[bunniefuu]

On my list of the top 100
worst things that could happen to me,

at number one, just ahead of having
a house fall on me

like the Wicked Witch of the West,
was this.

And here's something else about me.

Give me back my notebook.

Everything in there is private!

Here we go.

"For all the awards Marion has won,

I'm surprised that she hasn't won
a giant trophy

for her achievements
in the area of being a rotten person."

Wow. And everyone thinks
that I'm the queen of mean?

Let's see. Here's a good one.

"Instead of calling that terrifying
creature who lives under your bed

the bogeyman, they should just call it
the Rachel Hennessy."

Don't hurt me.

Wow. There's something in here
about everybody.

Okay, Marion. You've had your fun.

Now give Harriet back her notebook.

Even Janie.

What?

Don't do it, Marion. Please.

Okay, I won't read it.

I'll let Janie decide
what she wants to do.

Your choice, Janie.

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I am gonna be who I wanna be

My autonomy

No, I won't cut my hair

And I'll wear whatever

I like it when I get to be myself

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

What's in there is for my eyes only.

"Janie says she wants to be
a major scientist like Madam Curie.

But sometimes, I think she may be
a mad scientist, a bad scientist,

or possibly a mad, bad scientist."

Uh, okay, I know that sounds horrible,

but remember what happened
with the tomato?

Is it a fruit, a vegetable,
or is it a super-duper ball?

I think I liked it better
when it was a vegetable.

It's a fruit.

I thought you two
were best friends, Janie.

I did too.

Beth Ellen, just tell me when to stop.

- Stop.
- Okay.

Who's next?

Oh, boy.

Who is it? Who is it?

Purple Socks and you.

"Sometimes, I think Pinky
and Purple Socks should quit school

and join the weirdo circus."

We're sorry we're not
as perfect as you, Harriet.

Who's next?

I don't have to take this anymore.

Do your worst, Marion. Have a blast.

Fine, go.

You'll just never see this again.

Save me!

You win.

"Sometimes I think that people only go
to Carrie Andrews's house because"--

I didn't even get to the good part.

Marion, cut it out.

Just give Harriet her notebook.
Who cares what she wrote?

- You should.
- No!

Janie, would you like to read it to Sport?

Janie, don't.

"Sometimes, I can't stand Sport.

With his worrying all the time
and fussing over his father,

sometimes he's like a little old lady."

Sport, it--
it was just a little observation.

A little observation
based on this little moment.

Sport, shake a leg.
The movie starts in 15 minutes.

Can't your dad do the dishes?

No, that'll make his fingers all pruney.

He won't be able to type
on the typewriter.

Well, can't you do 'em later?

Janie, a dish left behind
is a dish on the mind.

That's really what you think, Harriet?

I think a lot of things.
It's hard to keep track sometimes.

I thought you said
you only write the truth.

Unless you're lying?

I don't lie.

How did you even know about that?
You weren't even there.

Were you spying on us?

Sometimes it's the only way
to find the truth.

Do you spy on all of us?

Give me my notebook!

You are never getting
this notebook back, Harriet.

Fine. Keep it. I'll just get another one!

It was just my luck
that all this stuff would go berserko

right after Ole Golly went to Montreal.

She'd know what to do.

Ole Golly!

Why does your hat have a flamingo on it?

I don't know.
This is your imagination, not mine.

Besides, I'm not the one
dressed as an onion.

So, why am I here?

The kids at school found my notebook
and read everything I wrote about them.

Do you remember what John Keats once said?

"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty."

That's all you need to know on Earth.

Don't go.

Thanks for the bike.
Gotta go back to Montreal.

And remember, a good spy never quits!

You know what else a good spy does

when Marion Hawthorne steals her notebook?

She buys a new notebook.

Ole Golly was right. I couldn't quit.

My job was to tell the truth
no matter what. Not apologize.

I felt like my favorite writer,
Jack London.

I was a lone wolf out on the prowl.

I didn't need
the tugboat captain's approval.

I had my notebook,
and my pen, and my brain.

Good morning, Sport.

Janie.

Do you hear something, Sport?

No. Not a thing.

New notebook.

Okay, class.

Let's start the day by reading a book
of your choice.

And by "book of your choice," I don't mean
the book of baby names, Mr. Whitehead.

I'm thinking of changing my name
to Barnaby.

Deal with it!

Janie! Janie!

I was going crazy.
The sound of the note crumpling.

It was like a voice saying,
"We know something bad about you."

Hey, Sport.

Hey!

"Have you ever noticed
that Harriet M. Welsch smells?"

Me? Smell? Did I smell?

My ears were so hot,
they felt like they were gonna melt off.

It seemed like everyone
was laughing at me.

Bathroom pass, please.

Why does Mr. Horatio
always give us so much homework?

I don't care about the homework.

I just hate having sloppy joes for lunch.

No matter what they do to me,
I will always write the truth

no matter what.

And write famous books.
And win a Pulitzer Prize.

And my ex-friends will say...

There is Harriet M. Welsch.

How we misunderstood her.

And PS, we never thought she stank.

Did you hear Harriet Welsch smells?

Right after school, I got back to work.

So what if my foot smelled a little?

I bet Willa Cather had
an occasional stinky foot too.

Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb, little lamb

Did the Garcias have to come to America

because they kicked Clarita out of Cuba
for her singing?

Could be important. Look into it.

We are the Spy Catchers' Club,

and we're here to rid this city of spies!

Spies? What are you talking about?

Harriet?

Harriet's a spy!

She spies on all of us.

And then writes mean things!

Follow her!

- Which way did she go?
- Split up!

This was my spy route,
and I knew it better than anyone.

I don't know how they found me
at the Garcias',

but at least I gave them the slip.

I could get back to spying now.

A-one, and a-two, and a-three, and a--

Hello?

Of course.

The spy catchers knew all the stops
on my spy route

because they had my old notebook.

No.

Janie and Marion? Together?

My stomach dropped
through the floor.

Then the ground. Then the sewer.

If Janie was working
with the spy catchers, then...

so was Sport.

Better put that yo-yo away, sir.

Harriet is out there somewhere.

We have to be on high alert.

Ole Golly said
that great art requires great suffering.

But I wish it came in spurts,
not in one big gush.

That night, I decided that not only
did I not need friends,

I didn't need my spy route either.

They were all distractions anyway.

I would just lock myself
in my room forever

and spend my life in splendid solitude
just like Emily Dickinson.

I, Emily Dickinson,
must overcome adversity, loneliness,

and extremely itchy, old-timey clothes,

so that I may tell the truth
to the masses and set them free.

Harriet!

Harriet.

Harriet. Time for school.
You slept through your alarm.

I'm not going to school.

Yes, you are.

I can't. I'm spending my life
in splendid solitude.

- No, you're not.
- I'll make you some pancakes.

Mmm. Pancakes.

I didn't need pancakes.
I didn't need friends.

I didn't need a spy route.
I didn't even need to smell very good.

All I needed was the tugboat captain
to blow his horn.

Just once, and I'd be okay.

Come on. Blow your horn. Blow your horn!

Blow your horn! Blow your horn!

I give up.

Come with me, class, on an adventure.

Back, back, back, back, back, back, back
through the mists of time

to the ancient civilization of...

Copycats.

I know they were just giving me
a taste of my own medicine, but...

I still wondered
what they were writing about me.

Bathroom pass, please.

What was I doing?
They weren't gonna break me.

They couldn't break me.

I was Harriet M. We--

My sandwich. They didn't.

Wish I were a bird.
Birds know how to fly solo.

Everyone hates me.
And maybe they had a point.

It was the truth.

The new twist was,
I started to hate myself too.

The way I treated my best friends,
I can be really snotty sometimes.

I sometimes think
I am better than other people.

I am a selfish person.

For example, I always take
the last slice of pizza.

I realized that if I was going to keep
my vow to always tell the truth,

it only seemed fair
that I told the truth about myself.

It wasn't an apology, but maybe
it would help Janie and Sport forgive me.

Oops.

Hey!

Oh, my gosh. I must've slipped.

I'm so sorry, Harriet.

No, you're not!

- You did that on purpose, Rachel Hennessy.
- What is going on here?

I accidentally spilled paint on Harriet,
and she thinks I did it on purpose.

She did!

Now, Harriet, if Rachel says
it was an accident, it was an accident.

I'll get some paper towels.

It's not funny!

Here, Harriet. Let me help--

Janie, have you forgotten Harriet saying
that you are no Madam Curie?

Try this.

"Little-old-lady Sport."
That's what she called you.

Suddenly, something inside of me snapped.

I had to get out of there.

I'm so sorry.

After I got sent home to clean up,
I thought about what John Keats said.

If truth was so beautiful,
how did everything get so ugly?

I knew Ole Golly was gone,
but for the first time, it hit me.

She was never coming back.

I had no choice.
I had to do this the Harriet way.

It's a frog!

Uh-oh.

It touched my face!

I'm gonna have warts!

It's a frog!

- It's a frog!
- It's a frog!

- Uh-oh.
- What's going on here?

It's a frog!

They say revenge is sweet,
but it's a little tangy too.

And with just a hint of hot sauce.

My plan was so perfect,
I made sure to write it down

to prove to future me
that it all really happened.

Harriet M. Welsch.
The school just called. They're furious!

They said you disrupted
an entire class with a frog?

I-I-I-I had to.
Marion stole my private notebook

and read it out loud to everybody. And--

The school said you wrote awful,
awful things about your classmates.

Is that true?

All I did was tell the truth.

The notebook, Harriet. Now.

Marion won't give back my other notebook.

I need this one. It needs me!

Harriet, I'm giving you one last chance.

Give me the notebook.

O-O-Only if you promise not to read it.

You're in no position
to make any demands, Harriet.

If you gave me an advance on my allowance,
I could bribe you.

You have five seconds.

Stay back or Eddie will peck you.

He'll do it. Don't think he won't.

Peck! Peck! Double peck!

The notebook, Harriet. Please.

No!

My first thought was
that one day we'd all look back and laugh

about the day they ducked to avoid a duck.

My second thought was, "I am so doomed."

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

And I try my best to do good
In the neighborhood

I smile real nice

And I strive to tell the truth

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

I am gonna be who I wanna be

My autonomy

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

No, I won't cut my hair

And I'll wear whatever

I like it when I get to be myself

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do