02x01 - General Mouthwashington

[bunniefuu]

This is my favorite tooth.

Why do I love it so much?

Well...

for starters, it wasn't flashy.

You won't see it in my dazzling smile.

But you might see it
in my dog-scaring face.

There it is, right there.

It's peeking out from behind my lip
like a bulldog.

It doesn't just cut like the
front teeth or chew like the back teeth.

This amazing tooth does both.

I also like how it's a little askew,
just like me.

My dentist called the tooth...

Primary cuspid R
with two anterior fillings.

But I call him...

General Mouthwashington.

I just wanna be
You just wanna be

We just wanna be

I am gonna be who I wanna be

My autonomy

No, I won't cut my hair

And I'll wear whatever

I like it when I get to be myself

I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be

We don't wanna be told what to do

Something I think about:
Teeth are not bones.

Isn't that interesting?
Teeth are not bones.

Harriet, you're going to be
late to your dentist appointment

if we don't leave now.

Bones break and repair themselves.

Teeth can't do that.
You really gotta cherish a tooth.

Carol, this is unbelievable.

You're overreacting.

You can't throw out our wedding cake.

It's been in the icebox for 12 years.
We're never gonna eat it.

We ate it on our five-year anniversary.

Yes, and that was seven years ago.

It's like you wanna throw our marriage
in the trash.

Ole Golly says
it's healthy for grown-ups to fight.

Just like kids,
they gotta get their gripes out.

Harriet, stop rubbernecking and let's go.

Looking good, Harriet.

You must really be rinsing and brushing
right after your chocolate egg creams.

Dental hygiene is what I'm all about.

Dr. Hawthorne will be in shortly.

Dr. Hawthorne. Yes, you heard right.

My dentist is none other
than Marion Hawthorne's dad.

Perfect Marion and her perfect teeth.

There was no escaping her.

But at least my teeth were perfect too.

Hello, Dr. Hawthorne. Take a look.

You can close your mouth for now, Harriet.

We need to talk.

What do we need to talk about?

I took a look at your X-rays

and determined that
primary cuspid R needs to be extracted.

Primary cuspid R?
You mean General Mouthwashington?

General who?

Can you check again? I brushed.
I flossed. I mouthwashed. I was good.

For the record, I wasn't always so good
with my dental hygiene.

When I was seven, I was just a dumb kid
playing it fast and loose with my teeth.

Harriet, it's lights-out time.
Did you remember to floss?

Why, of course, Ole Golly.

But my recklessness caught up to me
with a vengeance.

Primary cuspid R
appears to have two anterior cavities.

That's what you get for flossing
with licorice. You messed up.

I did mess up, didn't I?
I messed up real good.

I'm sorry, little tooth.

Then something kind of
brain-bending happened.

It is not time for apologies.

Hey. Who said that?

It might have been

because we were studying
the American Revolution in school.

I don't know.

It is time to defeat

the insidious outsider
colonizing our mouth,

the tartar and plaque redcoats.

It is I, General Mouthwashington.

That was the moment
I met my new best friend and hero.

His was a call to arms to rally together.

We thereby declared...

Independence from bad oral hygiene.

Charge!

Oh, no! Oh, dear.

I'm getting the collywobbles.

Not the giant brush.

Blimey! Have you infernal rebels no mercy?

Begone, foul oppressor!

We shall form a more perfect Union
based on these unalienable rights:

life, liberty and...

The pursuit of oral cleanliness.

Blimey! Collywobbles!

After that initial victory,
our Union was strong,

and dental visits were short and sweet.

And I owed it all
to General Mouthwashington.

Oh, Harriet.
I know this is difficult but--

But nothing!
Why do I need the General extracted?

It doesn't make any sense.
It's not like it has any pain.

May I?

Undignified!

Okay, so it hurts when you touch it.
I just won't touch it. Problem solved.

Maybe these X-rays can help explain
the situation.

This cuspid here, it's boxed in
with an adult tooth on the left,

another on the right and a new adult tooth
coming in from below.

Dear me! It's really being budged out.

I'm sorry, Harriet. It's time.

The general must leave his post.

Can I get a second opinion?

You can ask any DDS in Manhattan,
and they'll all say the same.

The pain will only get worse
if you don't remove that tooth now.

Now?

Ole Golly, tell him I need an extension.

A year? A month? I'll even take a week.

I can give you till tomorrow.

Hey, chin up. It's your last baby tooth.

After this, it's a full set of adult teeth
for Harriet M. Welsch.

Time to grow up, you big baby.

So, it's official.

Marion's dad says
I have to go back to his office tomorrow

so he can get rid of
General Mouthwashington.

- What?
- He says there's no room for him anymore.

We need to talk about this.

Yes!

Initiate intentional out plan.

No! No, you initiated way too many
intentional out plans this year.

It's an insult to the game of dodgeball.

What are you doing?

Whatever you gotta do, do it behind me.

I'll shield ya.

So, there's no room
for Mouthwashington, huh?

Well, what if we made room?

Is that possible?

Sure! The human body has room
for all sorts of stuff it doesn't need,

like the appendix.

Medic!

See? I knew I needed a second opinion.
How do we--

Hold on.

Tell my mother I love her.

Gotcha.

- Measuring tape?
- Okay, open wide.

Mouth-open capacity max
is currently three inches.

I can work with that.

Now, time to stretch.

Open, two, three, four.

Shut, two, three, four.

Open, two, three, four.

Shut, two, three, four.

Open, two, three, four--

That's never gonna work.

Don't listen to him.
Now, bare your teeth, Welsch.

Yeah. I wanna see 'em all, all 28!

Gosh darn it, Sport!

Sorry.

Open, two, three, four.

Shut, two, three, four.

Open, two, three, four.

Shut, two, three, four.

Now--

Just measure me.

What do you know?
Still three inches. Sorry.

It's hopeless.
We've been stretching all day.

I'm sorry, General.

What are we gonna do?

I know! Maybe you could just
skip your appointment tomorrow.

Ole Golly would never let me.

I know somebody
who might be able to convince her.

Sure, they tell us we should see
the dentist once every six months,

but is that really necessary?

Sport's dad is a writer.
He knows what he's talking about.

Answer: no.

The whole thing's a racket.
They just want our money.

And they always use gingivitis
to scare us like some big, evil bogeyman.

Gingivitis equals bogeyman.
So, not under bed?

Yeah, my dad hasn't seen the dentist
in years, which works great for the books.

No bills to reconcile.

Mr. Rocque, you're the first grown-up
I've talked to who gets it.

Hey, if any grown-up needs the wool pulled
off their eyes, I am happy to do it.

Could you pull the wool
off my nanny's eyes?

Show her that you don't go to the dentist,

and you have a full set
of perfectly normal, healthy teeth.

I don't know if I'd say
I had a full set exactly.

What do you mean?

How come you've been keeping this
a secret from me?

I guess I didn't think
you could handle it.

Dad, please! I can't handle it.

No, no. Keep going. I kinda like it.

Are you okay?

No. My tooth hurts now
even without me touching it.

See? It's inedible.

Just as inedible as it was 12 years ago.

And that's the point.

Here we go again.

The baker canceled at the last minute,

so you and I,
having absolutely no experience,

baked our own wedding cake together.

Yes, I know. I was there.

We had a great time,
but the cake was and still is terrible.

I will not throw it out.

Then you need to buy a second icebox.

Harriet!

What's all this?

See for yourself.

I wanted to sink my teeth
into all that tomatoey goodness

and savor every bite.

But...

I know what you're up to.

This is supposed to be
one of those "last meal" things, isn't it?

Well, you can call it whatever you like.

Throw it in the trash.
Mouthwashington's not going anywhere.

You're scared to eat it, aren't ya?
Afraid it'll hurt too much.

No.

Thing is, I kinda was scared.

Good.
Because I'd hate to see it go to waste.

Homemade mayo, freshly baked bread,
the ripest tomato you've ever seen.

Why don't you put it to the general?
We don't have to call it a last meal.

I hold this truth to be self-evident.
That is one magnificent tomato sandwich.

So, we decided to eat it.

I figured if I could just chew it
on one side of my mouth,

it might not hurt that much.

I'm not scared. I just--

There's a certain special way
I like to eat these.

It really, really hurts.

I'm never gonna be able
to eat a tomato sandwich again.

Harriet! Calm down.
You're going to be fine.

Here, now suck on this.
It'll numb the pain.

That's helping. That's helping. Thank you.

Look, I know it's hard,

but General Mouthwashington
has given you everything he can.

It's time for him to move on.
It's just a natural part of growing up.

One day, after I've given you all I can,
well, I'll have to leave--

Don't say it! You're making it worse.

Well, I'm only being honest,
and I thought you'd appreciate that.

All the fuss in the world won't stop
these things from happening, nothing will.

Part of growing up is learning to let go.

What Ole Golly said makes sense, but...

Mouthwashington would never let me go.

He took two fillings in his gut for me.
The pain was never too much for him.

It is but a pittance to pay
for the blessings of our noble friendship.

So even though I didn't know where to go...

I ran away with the general,

hoping against hope
to find a way to save him.

It's what he'd do for me.

But no matter how far I went...

Oh, no.

...I couldn't escape the pain.

Eventually, it got so bad that,
well, things got weird.

Mouthwashington,
did you chop down that cherry tree?

Yes, I cannot tell a lie.

You okay, little girl?

Of course, he didn't do it.
He couldn't have. He's in my mouth!

After I made it all the way down
to the docks,

I knew there was nowhere left to run.

I thought about getting on an ocean liner.
Pretty out there, I know.

But when Washington crossed the Delaware,
that was pretty out there too.

Margaret, wait!

I had to see this.

I told myself that
if he convinced her to stay,

then the general would stay too.

If not, well...

I'm not asking you to stay.

Just before you go,
there's something I have to say.

Goodbye.

All of a sudden, I knew what I had to do.

I gathered all my friends and family
for a grand goodbye party.

I want everyone to tell
General Mouthwashington

all the things they've always wanted
to say to him before he goes away.

Anyone can start.

The general is ah-waiting.

You have to hurry up,
'cause I'm kind of in pain here.

Okay, you know what?
Sport, how about you go first.

Okay. Well, one time, Harriet and I were
walking home together from school,

and a garbage truck drove past.

It kicked up a little stone
straight at Harriet's mouth.

And I kid you not, that stone broke
right in two when it hit Mouthwashington.

General, you are the strongest man--
I mean, tooth-- that I know.

So sweet.

I still have that stone in my room.

Well,
I used to find American history boring.

I'd get B's.

Then I started imagining history
with Mouthwashington in it.

Now, I get A's.

Thanks, General.

Everyone knows General Mouthwashington
is a hero and a president,

but do you also know he's humble?

He's never bragged to me once.

He's just quietly helped me out with the
noblest task of all:

raising Harriet.

I couldn't have done it
without you, Ole Golly.

Forget John Adams. You're my real VP.

Ms. Catherine, thank you so much
for looking after Harriet.

And, Harriet, I'm sorry.

Your father and I have been squabbling
all day.

We should have been there,
helping you let go.

Actually, Harriet,
hearing all these stories, you--

Well, you helped me.

- I did?
- She did?

Carol, you can throw out the cake.
It was never about the cake.

It was about who we were
when we baked it together.

Young, spontaneous.

Oh, Fred, I--

No, let me finish. I love who we are now.

I just also want to remember who we were.

But I don't need the cake for that.
I have the story, and I have you.

Well, Mom and Dad, you sort of stole
the general's thunder there,

but I get it.

I really did. In fact, at that moment,

I figured something out
about the stories we tell.

I wrote this whole big speech, but...

What General Mouthwashington
taught me most of all was courage.

At first,
it took courage to go to the dentist.

But there are far scarier things in life
than the dentist, like Marion Hawthorne...

and growing up,
and saying goodbye to the things you love.

Dr. Hawthorne, I'm ready.

But today,

General Mouthwashington
helped me understand

that you don't have to be afraid.

You can be bold and brave...

...because nothing is truly gone
if its story lives on.

In case you're thinking I sold
Mouthwashington to the tooth fairy,

not a chance.

I told Dr. Hawthorne
to donate his body to science.

It's what the general woulda wanted,

to keep up the good bite.

Welcome to the Union, new guy.