02x01 - Speedy

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR:
What you're about to see

may be dangerous, ill*gal,
unethical,

petty, misguided, immoral,
and most definitely stupid.

But it's also all true.

Hmm. Sort of.

♪ [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING]

KENNETH "SPEEDY" RAULERSON: They thought
they could steal my dog and get away with it.

f*ck with my dog.

SPEEDY:
But now it was payback time.

[ENGINE REVS]

♪ [WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY: I was gonna
hit 'em hard and haul a*s.

Well, the ideal situation was

go up and put that sucker
on automatic pilot...

steam due west,

and steal the whole damn casino.

An action creates a reaction.

You mess with my dogs,
you're gonna get a reaction.

And they got a reaction.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-[INSECTS CHIRPING]
-[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE]

♪ [WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY: My name's Kenneth
"Speedy" Raulerson...

And I'm from Crackertown,
Florida.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

SPEEDY:
I was born on Halloween night.

Matter of fact,
I was born in 30 seconds flat.

The doctor had to chase me
down the hall

just to spank me on the a*s.

I mean, I was Mach 10
with my hair on fire.

I mean, my whole life.

There's only one thing
I've ever been addicted to,

and that's adrenaline.

I did just about every crime
there is to do.

From bank robbery to extortion

to aggravated as*ault
with a firearm.

Armed with a deadly expl*sive.

Blowed up a bar.

[EXPLOSIONS]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

SPEEDY: I leveled it.
Wasn't nothing standing

but the ice machine.

I've kidnapped
one dude's brother

and made the other brother
pay the money.

Allegedly.

-That's just what I've been charged with now.
-[CREW MEMBER CHUCKLING]

[SIREN BLARING]

Get in. Look at this.

SPEEDY: I've been in some
pretty tight situations.

Oh, sh*t!

I did some pretty stupid things.

You got the wrong guy
on this one.

During all those escapades,
not a shot was ever fired.

Nobody was never seriously hurt.

Other than a headache.

♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JESSICA KITE:
You heard all the stories

that Speedy's on the run,

and I always thought, "God,
this guy, he's fascinating."

But at the same time,
I was scared of him.

My name is Jessica Kite,

and I grew up next door
to Speedy Raulerson.

I didn't know Speedy
when I was a kid,

but I knew the legend.
The legend of Speedy.

I've been a fugitive twice.

I was first a fugitive
from 1985 to '89,

and then from early '97 to 2006.

All right, listen here.

SPEEDY: The second time I went
on the run was much harder

because I had to leave
my beloved dog Shay behind.

Shay, you're the best darn dog
I ever did know.

You hear me? But I gots to go.

-[WHINES]
-Shay is the actual reason

that began this whole story
that I'm fixin' to tell you.

♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY: My friend Walt,
he was really the only one

I trusted with Shay.

You can trust me with her,
Speedy.

Yeah. What about
that boy of yours?

SPEEDY: Jared was his son.

He was about...
I think he was 18 years old,

maybe 19. I'm not sure.

I'm 36.

They knew how much
I cared about her,

so they took her.

-She'll be well took care of.
-All right.

-Love you, Shay.
-[SHAY WHINES]

SPEEDY: There was a certain
law enforcement agent

who had a hard-on for me.

I got a hard-on for Speedy.

That's a weird thing to say.

His name is Bill... [BLEEP]
...special agent with the FDLE.

[SIREN WAILING]

They come and took Shay and
held her, literally, for hostage.

JESSICA:
And the FDLE told Speedy,

"If you don't turn yourself in,

we're gonna put
these dogs down."

SPEEDY: I was angry.

I'm angry.

You just don't go
and take someone's dogs

and m*rder them in cold blood.

I'm very angry.

You're going to pay dearly
for it.

TOURIST: 1 [OVER TV] I took
the wife on the SunCruz, and...

TOURIST 2: He couldn't wait
to win the jackpot.

SPEEDY:
That's when I started plotting

to steal
that SunCruz casino boat.

NARRATOR: Reserve your slot
for the next SunCruz Casino.

Sailing twice daily

from Martha's
on the Intracoastal...

In his mind,
that's how he got even.

It was just tit-for-tat.

It doesn't make any sense to me,

but it makes perfect sense
to Speedy.

You steal my dog,
I'm gonna k*ll your cat.

And I was k*lling
their damn cat.

-NARRATOR: For reservations, call 1-800-47...
-f*ck you.

[g*nsh*t]

♪ [SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY:
I came up with the perfect plan

-on how to rob that casino.
-[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

ANNOUNCER: Two hundred
and fifty thousand dollars.

[ENGINE REVVING]

SPEEDY:
'Cause I was gonna do it big.

I knew there was 250,000 dollars
on that boat,

and I was gonna get it all.

And I had my friend Walt
who was gonna help.

You can count on me, Speedy.

I'm serious, Walt, no boozing.
No boozing.

I swear on my mama's grave,
I never will fail you.

-♪ [ROCK SONG PLAYING] ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

Okay.

♪ Well, I've got to
Find my way ♪

SPEEDY:
Step one was the night guard.

-♪ Yeah ♪
-[SNORES]

-SPEEDY: We needed his key card.
-[CONTINUES SNORING]

Huh? Where's my dang g*n?

SPEEDY: He was a heavier guy.

"SPEEDY": Easy.

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

[BEEPS]

All right, come on, come on.

The ideal situation was to get
into the big safe...

♪ Find my way back home ♪

"SPEEDY": Let's go.

[HISSING]

-Oh, yeah.
-♪ Go way too fast ♪

SPEEDY: ...get the money...

♪ Yeah, getting down
With that stack of that cash ♪

♪ So if you're looking
For me, baby... ♪

SPEEDY:
...go up and put that sucker

on automatic pilot...

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

-SPEEDY: ...and head due west.
-[BOAT HORN BLARING]

INTERVIEWER: You were gonna
steal the whole casino boat?

I was gonna steal
the whole boat.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah,


One hundred percent,

I wanted to steal
the whole boat, okay?

♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY:
That was it in a perfect world,

but it just didn't happen
that way.

Murphy's Law.
If it can go wrong,

it will go wrong.

And true to Murphy's Law,

basically everything
went dinky dow.

That was the perfect plan,

but here's
what actually happened.

-Hey, Walt!
-[CANS CLANK]

Hey. Walt, you ready?

SPEEDY:
On the night of the heist,

I go over to Walt's...

♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

I'm solid. I'm straight.

Sure as the world,
he's drunker than Cooter Brown.

sh*t.

When you see a heist
or a bank robbery

or something like that reported
in the media,

it's nothing like you see
in the movies.

My name is Blaine Coral.

I did 35 years
as a police officer.

I've become a Class "C"
licensed private investigator.

I need my p*stol. Damn thing.

-[p*stol THUDS]
-[GROANS]

Most of these guys
are not rocket scientists,

or they would not be doing
the type of things that they do.

I'm like,
"Tonight's 'Go' night."

Tonight's "Go" night!

Walt, you told me
that I can count on you.

By God, you can count on me,

'cause I'm telling you,
I never done did you dirty.

♪ [WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JERRY: And I'm telling him,

"Walt, I can't take you
in that kind of shape.

You're too drunk."

-I'm too drunk?
-Just give me your keys.

Let me borrow
your truck at least.

Payback, she ain't running.

[TOAD CROAKING]

-God darn it!
-Wait. I got an idea.

He said,
"Well, take Jared. He'll go."

Jared.

Jared, he was the only one
that can go.

So I'm like,
"Okay, to hell with that."

I didn't have much of a choice.

So I took Jared.

♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY: Which was a big mistake.

What you never do see is
a Mission Impossible

or a Ocean's Eleven type
g*ng of thieves.

There's generally
also very few brain cells

working at the same time.

♪ [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

So, I go up there a little bit
closer to the trailer,

you know,
to the back of the trailer.

Jared's real close to me.

I said, "Stick to me close,"
you know, I whispered to him.

-Right, stick to me close.
-Okay.

SPEEDY: Took a deep breath...

"SPEEDY":
Okay, three, two, one, breach.

All right, get your hands up.

Drop that donut and coffee,
you son of a b*tch.

You know, I told him this is
a robbery. This is serious.

"SPEEDY": This here's a robbery.
This is serious.

"JARED": You son of a b*tch!

SPEEDY: And then Jared comes in,
all gung-h*.

Goddammit, Jared,
get your g*n off me!

What?

No, get off me!
Give me the damn duct tape.

-Oh, the duct tape.
-Come on. Yeah.

-Right, yeah.
-Quick.

Basically, alls we really had
to do is just tape the guy up.

-Quick, quick!
-"JARED": Yeah, I'm getting it!

SPEEDY:
But while this was happening...

The guard,
he went to go like that,

you know, like he was grabbing
for something.

[BOTH GRUNT]

And I took him down
to the ground.

JARED: I got it somewhere.

-[BOTH GRUNTING]
-[GLASS SHATTERING]

Son of a... [SPEAKS
INDISTINCTLY] - [ROY GRUNTS]

Give me the g*dd*mn duct tape!

Yeah, it's in here somewhere.
Hold on.

-"SPEEDY": Goddammit, Jared!
-[BOTH GRUNT]

[SCREAMS]

-[GROANS]
-Quick! Throw it here!

Well, I had to give him
a little love tap.

"JARED": I found it!

Again, not a lot of gray matter
going on up here.

-[GRUNTS]
-♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY: After I got him taped
and secured...

"SPEEDY": I can't see sh*t.

"JARED":
I can't see anything either.

"SPEEDY": f*ck it. Goddammit.

-What happened?
-Let's go. Come on.

-Okay.
-Stop f*cking around.

SPEEDY:
I went and stole a torch...

Okay, I get this...

-Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
-This is really hard.

Acetylene torch.

-"JARED": Okay.
-Yeah.

SPEEDY:
Got it up to the safe, and...

strike that sucker up,
and lit her up.

I mean, you know, just trying
to blow a hole somewhere in it.

[ROARING]

SPEEDY: Trying to get into it.

And it... Man, nothing.

-["SPEEDY" AND "JARED" COUGHING]
-"SPEEDY": sh*t! Dammit!

SPEEDY: I just didn't realize
how big the safe was

and how tough it was.

-Must be made of steel.
-What are we gonna do now?

Shut up, Jared!
I'm trying to think.

Formulating.

So, I already knew that there
was ATM machines in there.

Ah.

SPEEDY:
I knew what we had to do.

I got a secondary plan.

SPEEDY: The ATMs,
that was the secondary plan.

So I just kicked it.

[ATM CRASHES]

[IMITATES ATM CRASHING]

All the way down to the bottom
of the stairwell.

"JARED": [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Let's go.

SPEEDY: So, we go wheeling
this ATM, and the guy's looking.

He's looking underneath
that mask, and he says,

"I don't know where you think
you're going with that."

I don't know where you think
you're going with that!

SPEEDY: "You can't get that
out of here."

You can't get that out of here.

And I'm like,
"Oh, yeah?" I said,

"Well, whose Cadillac's
that up there?"

Whose Cadillac's that up there?

And he...

[GASPS] No! Get...

You get away from that Cadillac!
That's my baby!

You get away from that car!

-You push. Push, Jared, push.
-"JARED": I'm pushing!

-"SPEEDY": Push!
-"JARED": I'm pushing!

SPEEDY:
I'm gonna take two of them.

I'm putting one
in the back seat,

and I'm putting one
in the trunk.

-It hurts my fingers though.
-"SPEEDY": Come on. Ready? Ready?

[GRUNTS] Push!

This son of a b*tch!

[WHIMPERS] f*ck! God dang it!

Trying to get the first one
in the back seat.

[CAR SQUEAKS]

[WHIMPERS]
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

That damn ATM machine
was about a half an inch

from fitting in that backseat.

It's going in. It's going in!
[GRUNTS]

I couldn't...
There's no way I could...

There's nothing
I could have done. Man, I tried.

Doggone it! She ain't gonna fit!

SPEEDY: It was not going
in that backseat.

Believe me, I tried.

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

SPEEDY:
So I had to settle for the one.

You're never gonna get away!

SPEEDY: The guard said,
"You're not gonna get

through the gate with that."

You're not gonna get through
the gate with that!

I looked over at Jared.
I said, "Hold on."

I threw that son of a b*tch
down in low, man.

And I hit it going about 50.

That gate just went...
[IMITATES expl*si*n]

And I got the hell out of there.

-Mother... [GRUNTS]
-♪ [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[GRUNTS]
This b*tch ain't budging!

Son of a b*tch!

-[g*nsh*t]
-♪ [INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Son of a b*tch.

SPEEDY: I thought they'd be
fives and tens.

They were all 20s.

And it just happened to be,
allegedly, 32,000 dollars.

That was pretty much it.
Now, I mean,

I didn't get away
with near as much

as I was supposed to, but...

it was enough to pay
for those dogs, in my mind.

So...

So when he allegedly robbed
the Suncoast Casino cruise ship,

he knew that
they were after him,

so he fled to Massachusetts.

♪ [UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JESSICA: And he went by the name
of "Bruce Clayter."

SPEEDY:
I go by quite a few names.

Edward Morris, Jeff Robertson,
Jack Cook, Ellisteen Barnes.

But right then,
I was Bruce Clayter.

Thank you.

SPEEDY:
So, I'm hanging out at the bar,

chatting with some young lady,

and I heard my name come on TV.

Florida Department
of Law Enforcement is hunting

Kenneth Scott Raulerson
for robbing a floating casino.

I'm John Walsh with an urgent
alert from the Crime Center.

NARRATOR:
Now, join the manhunt

with John Walsh.

And it's America's Most Wanted,
and it's my picture.

JOHN WALSH: Here's the most
recent photo of Raulerson.

And she looks at it,
and then she looks at me.

She's like, "Damn, Bruce,
that looks like you."

Damn, Bruce,
that looks like you.

How about that?

And then, I swear, not ten,


they said,
"Also known as Bruce Clayter."

Also known as Bruce Clayter.

She said, "Bruce, he got
your damn name too!"

Bruce,
he's got your damn name too.

Well, how about that?

Everyone looked at him.
Everyone looked at him.

I said,
"That's a bunch of bullshit."

I said, "If anybody thinks
I'm that guy right there..."

I said, "Right, there's
the payphone. Go pick it up."

Go pick it up.
That's some bullshit.

Another buddy of mine, he said,

"There ain't gonna be nobody
using this phone."

There ain't gonna be anyone
using this phone.

And the barmaid, she said,

"Go pack your sh*t.
I'll call you a cab."

I'll call you a cab.
[CLICKS TONGUE]

Thank you.

Wait. I love you, Bruce Clayter.

["SPEEDY" GRUNTS]

How about that?

So I run upstairs
and pack my sh*t.

In five minutes,
there was a cab there,

and I was leaving.

If someone robs a bank,
or a casino, or what have you,

it's more likely that they will
get caught down the line

by doing something stupid,
or making a misstep,

or not covering their tracks

than it is
that they'll get arrested

as they're running out
the front door of the place.

-[CLICKS]
-Turn to the right.

SPEEDY: They did end up
busting me eventually.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

SPEEDY: But that's a whole 'nother
story that I'm not gettin' into today.

You only caught me
'cause I wanted you to.

But I ain't getting
into all that today.

SPEEDY: My lifelong run
of evading the police

had finally come to an end.

About a year later,
I got a visitor in prison.

♪ [WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

SPEEDY:
They had never put her down.

My Shay Shay was still alive.

Oh.

[SHAY PANTING]

SPEEDY:
But that's all in the past.

Today, I'm trying to clean
the river I grew up on,

the Lower Withlacoochee.

As you can see, this is where
our river is blocked up.

It should have never been
cut in half.

I've been in that river
since I was five years old,

and to come home
all these years later,

and I find my river looking
like this.

That's pure pollution.

Who wants their children
swimming in this?

Everything that I've done
in my life

kind of primed me
for my next adventure in life

that I'm doing with this river.

It takes a crook
to spot a crook,

and take it from me,

this river is being destroyed
by crooks.

Pisses me off.

He's our Speedy. We love him.

Yeah, he's Speedy, you know?
He'll always be Speedy.

And if you don't like it,
tough bandanas.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Mama, look at me now.

♪ ["REBEL" BY
JOHN MORAN PLAYING] ♪

♪ Forty-nine crimes
Behind me ♪

♪ Fifty or more ahead ♪

♪ I said I'm looking
For something exciting ♪

♪ I'll be looking
Until I'm dead ♪

♪ You wanna love me
And I wanna love you ♪

♪ You wanna love me
And I wanna love you ♪

♪ Yes, I do ♪

♪ Listening out for sirens ♪

♪ The wide of the law patrol ♪

♪ I said
My burden of fear is lightened ♪

♪ When the sirens refrain
Becomes old ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪