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(HUM OF CONVERSATIONS)
Good evening,
and welcome to... Trafalgar Theatre.
[DISTORTING] Please take a moment now
to ensure your mobile...
[WHITE NOISE]
[ELECTRONIC INTERFERENCE RISING]
[STOPS]
For 90 years on this Earth,
my youth robbed from me.
I've cursed you, Nina, ripped up your
photographs and letters, but it's no use.
I see your face everywhere.
I say your name.
I kiss the ground you walk on.
I'm bound to you for ever.
And now you're here.
I'm sad, lonely,
utterly alone and cold
as if I've been imprisoned underground,
and everything I write is so bleak.
Nina,
stay here.
I beg you, stay here
or let me go with you.
Nina? Nina? For God's sake, Nina.
My carriage is waiting.
Don't walk me out.
Can I have some water, please?
Where will you go?
Is Irina Arkadin here?
Yes, Uncle was taken ill...
Why did you say
you worship the ground I walk on?
I'm not fit to live.
Death.
Death is what I deserve.
[COUGHS]
I'm so tired. I need to sleep.
I'm a seagull!
No, that's not right. I'm an actress.
(LAUGHTER)
He's here, too, isn't he?
Of course. It doesn't matter.
He didn't believe in the stage.
He laughed at me.
I don't believe in it either.
Not now.
Not now that I've had real problems,
real things have happened.
My heart is broken.
I don't know what to do with my hands
when I'm onstage.
I'm not real. I'm...
I'm a seagull.
No, that's wrong, too.
You shot a seagull, do you remember?
Earlier in the play.
[LAUGHING] I mean... the story.
I mean...
Long ago you... No, not you.
What was I saying?
I was talking about the theatre.
I love acting. I'm a real actress.
I was a real actress.
Will you come and see me
when I'm a real actress?
I'm different now,
and I feel better and better every day.
You don't need to worry about me any more.
I have faith.
Nina!
Things don't hurt me so much any more.
I'm not afraid. I'm...
Enough!
Nina?
Nina?
[SOUND DISTORTS]
Emma?
Emma?
No!
[CRIES OUT]
[TECHNO POUNDING, BLARING]
[STOPS]
Just this one thing!
Can you please do
this one thing for me, please?
I'm just asking for...
No, listen... Listen to me.
Listen to me for a second, OK?
All right, please.
This is important to me.
I'm trying to do something.
For once in my life,
I'm trying to do something for myself.
Don't be like that!
Why do you have to be like that?
No, listen please.
Well, because right now
you're being a complete c**t!
Well, I'm sorry you hate that word.
It's unfortunate because in one syllable
it so perfectly describes
your entire personality.
Look, obviously I've called
the wrong person.
Obviously you're unable to help me.
You can't give me half an hour
to do something that might save my life.
Yes, it is that serious.
I am not being dramatic.
That is such a cunty thing to say.
I'll stop calling you a c**t
when you stop being a c**t.
No, listen...
Mum!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Mum, listen, please.
Mum, you're...
You're already in my flat, just...
Yeah. Yeah.
There's a large clear plastic box
in the hallway on...
Like a big plastic box.
It's see-through,
I don't know how else to describe it.
Yeah, that's just unread post.
Tip that out.
I don't know, the floor. It's bills, Mum.
I'll deal with it when I get home.
OK, now fill the box with anything
that looks, you know, medical or...
Yes, alcohol, of course yes,
and anything that looks like drugs or...
Right, OK.
On the coffee table in the living room
there's a wooden box. Do you see it?
Yeah, don't look inside. Just chuck it.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I know it's the one Dad got me,
I know that, but...
But that's not what I used it for.
[SNIFFING]
[DEEP RUMBLING]
Will you please just chuck it out?
OK. Right, now the kitchen.
You found all that? Great.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Yep. Yep.
And the cupboard under the sink?
No, to the left.
And the oven!
[LIGHTER CLICKS]
OK, now, open the oven.
Because I don't use it for...
Mum, I don't cook!
Well, just put it in the box
with the rest of it.
[DISTANT CRASH]
And then the bathroom, but, Mum, listen...
I want you to just...
Don't be shocked, OK?
[DISTANT SHOUTING, ALARM BLARING]
Well, that's why I'm here, Mum.
[CLATTER]
I am.
I am! I'm trying to get myself well.
No! I am not smoking!
Mum, I really need you to...
[CRASH]
Yeah. Yeah.
[BEEPING]
OK, Mum. Thank you.
They're trying to take it all out of us!
Drain our blood and use it for gold!
This is gold
and they're scared of its power!
And they're right! They're right!
They're right!
They should be scared.
They should be terrified.
Mum, I have to go.
NURSE: Mr Waverly.
Let's go back inside all right?
We are love!
We are God, we are power and life
and we will never surrender!
Er... You can't smoke in here.
What?
You can't smoke in here.
It's a medical building.
They're sucking our blood!
You can smoke outside.
It's raining.
I have locked eyes with God!
I have touched the eyes of God!
It's part of the medical building.
I have licked God's eyeballs...
You can take it outside or put it out.
Those are your options.
Do you have an ashtray?
There isn't an ashtray, no.
It's a medical building.
[WAVERLY CONTINUES SHOUTING]
I'm not being petty.
There have to be rules
or things descend into chaos!
I can see what we need to do.
You can see it, too, can't you?
It should all be torn to pieces!
[AUDIO DISTORTS, SLOWS]
Woah!
WAVERLY: [DISTORTED] Things need to change
but they won't.
There'll be so much death,
one after another, then many at once.
It'll be such a loud party!
Aagh!
[UNDISTORTED] They're going
to ask for everything!
But you've got nothing to begin with.
[MUSIC ON RADIO]
Nothing! Never surrender!
DOCTOR: Everyone back inside, please.
Checking in or picking up?
Is he OK?
Are you checking in?
[RADIO CHANGES STATION]
If you'd like to finish your cigarette
outside...
Oh, right. Sorry.
Do you have anyone with you?
Yeah. No.
Actually, yeah, I think I'm just going
to go outside for a second.
You can leave your bags.
Yeah, no, I'll just...
How about we check you in first
and then you can...?
Is there much to do?
Just a few questions.
Like...?
Like what's your name?
The questions do get harder,
so you may wanna...
Er, no, I'd like to...
Anonymity?
Something like that.
The privacy policy is
all on the back of the form.
It's important to read and sign that, too,
but your recovery depends on you being
completely truthful while you're here.
Do you understand that?
So, what name shall I put on the form?
Nina?
Right. Nice to meet you... Nina.
All the forms are quite self-explanatory.
I'll need a bunch of signatures.
Oh, and I'll need your phone
and if you've got a laptop, iPad...
No, I need my phone.
Yeah, no. It's policy.
It's like the policy about smoking.
I thought I put that out.
You didn't.
Right. Sorry. It's just...
This is my last cigarette
and once it's out I'm...
We'll look after your devices for you
then once you've finished your recovery...
But I'm waiting to hear about this thing,
I need my phone because there's a thing...
Tell me, Nina, when did you last use?
Blunt, I know, but...
More than a week or less?
In the last 72 hours?
The last 24?
ALL: Are you high right now?
Can you tell me what you've taken?
I just needed something to get me here.
It's important to be accurate
so we know how to treat you
and it won't help you to lie.
You're going to have a full medical
and history taken, so...
I drank a bit and I smoked some weed!
What alcohol did you drink and how much?
Some wine. Red wine.
Rioja. It's quite an expensive one.
OK.
And some gin.
I was anxious about coming here.
I just wanted to take the edge off.
Nina, I'm not judging,
I just need an accurate...
And a couple of beta-blockers
and some ibuprofen, too.
Right.
And some speed.
Just to balance me out
and get me motivated.
And how long ago did you take the speed?
I don't know. Like, ages!
Is that everything from the last 24 hours?
Nina?
Oh, about half a gram of coke!
And a multivitamin.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Any prescriptions?
Yeah, for anxiety, yeah.
Valium, benzos and Ativ...
Ativan.
And you smoke?
Until just now!
Right.
Is that important?
There's a checklist, I'm just...
You're just trying to fill
your bingo card!
Yeah. Yeah.
[SHE LAUGHS HEARTILY]
Yeah, that's funny(!)
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
So, tell me, Nina,
how did you get here today?
I drove.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
I'm a really good driver.
And I'm OK. Overall.
It's not a problem, my using.
I just want a tune-up.
I'm not completely
in control of it any more.
I've had some problems at work
because of it
and some blackouts
and I think I tried to k*ll myself.
So, I'm just a bit...
Blackouts?
Yeah. A few, yeah.
But I'm actually quite healthy.
I know I'm not giving you that impression.
But I go to the gym.
Sometimes.
Is there a contact I can have,
a partner or...?
No.
Family member or...?
We won't contact them unless
there's an emergency. Work colleague?
Er... Mum. Mum! My mum.
Right.
Pop her details on the form, then
I'll take you through for your medical.
You won't contact her unless...
Unless there's an emergency.
I'll let them know you're ready.
And Nina...
Don't go anywhere.
Whoever you are...
[SOUTHERN US ACCENT] I've always
depended on the kindness of strangers.
[LAUGHS TO HERSELF]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Ah.
[GROANS]
Nina... Excuse me, hello?
Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, that's me.
Well, the good news is
this looks perfectly normal.
What's that?
It's your stool sample.
No, it's not mine!
Oh, really?
Falafel.
It's falafel.
I'm making a joke.
I didn't finish lunch.
Seriously, though,
you may have to do a stool sample.
Has she done a UDA?
What's that?
Urine.
Not yet, Doctor.
Could I have some water, please?
So, your name is... 'Nina'?
Yeah. Why are you saying it like that?
And you are an alcoholic
and a drug addict.
f*cking hell!
Aren't you? Why else would you be here?
NURSE: 160 over 110.
Your recovery can't start
until you admit you have a problem.
This was a mistake.
You're not an alcoholic and drug addict?
I'm not saying I'm anything,
I just want to get clean and get
my certificate and get back to work.
Certificate?
Yeah.
Like piece of paper, signed whatever.
Something that says I can work,
that I'm not a risk.
Once you complete the programme...
How long is that going to take?
Well, it varies.
First, I'll need to see your results.
And take a history,
a psychological examination...
Isn't there any way
we could just speed all of this along?
Benzodiazepine and Lorazepam?
For anxiety, yeah. It's a prescription.
And do you use beyond your prescription?
I have a few GPs.
And I get some online
and from some people that I know.
Has your use of pills impacted on you
and those around you?
Work? Relationships? Family?
I was at work and I was confused
about where I was, who I was.
Dissociation.
I guess so.
You look like my mother.
That's projection assigning familial
attributes onto an authority figure.
No, you really f*cking look like her.
Detoxing from benzos takes about ten days.
Ten days?
You'll start tonight,
Then tomorrow morning
you can begin with Group.
No, no. I don't need that.
I just need the first thing.
Nina, the Group is the programme.
The truth is, it doesn't take long
to get everything out of your body.
It's the behaviour, the psychology
that's the important thing to address.
We can't do that till we've dealt
with the physical symptoms.
Then it's 28 days of therapy.
Ideally, closer to 90.
90?
No, that's not possible!
Tell me, Nina,
how do you think this story ends?
What story?
You. Your life.
How will it play out, do you think,
if you don't prioritise getting well?
I'm not ill!
Blackouts?
A few, yeah.
Memory loss?
Sometimes, I think, yes.
No! It's more like time travel.
One minute, I'll be talking to someone,
then the next I'll be walking in the road.
[DESPERATELY] Can I have
some water, please?
You have water.
No, I...
NURSE: 130.
Look at me.
Oh! I know you, don't I?
I just have one of those faces.
What's your occupation?
Is that one of the questions?
It is.
Is it important?
Well, is it a secret?
How are you with needles?
Excuse me...
Ouch!
Do you often pass out?
I guess so.
I wake up places.
Do you feel like you might pass out now?
A little, yeah.
It says here 'suicide attempt'.
Well, not a successful one.
Evidently.
That's me!
Never seeing anything through.
Violin lessons, diets, suicide attempts.
[LAUGHING] I never finish what I start.
[VOICE ECHOING] If you're trying
to be funny, can you let me know?
It's not immediately obvious.
NURSE: Hold this.
Memory loss?
Didn't you just ask me that?
Nina, I would like to hear you say
that you need my help.
I feel uncomfortable giving you help
when you haven't asked for it.
I've been managing just fine!
And when I look at your blood results
will I see you're just fine,
or will I see something else?
If you don't want help
then why are you here?
I'm not sure if I am.
I'm sorry.
I said I don't know if I am!
Here.
[WHITE NOISE, CHAOS]
[STOPS]
Give her some space.
Get off me!
Stand back.
{SCREAMING] Get the f*ck off me!
DOCTOR: You can leave us now. It's OK.
[CRYING]
Do you know where you are, Nina?
Who's Nina?
Do you need to be sick? It might help.
I shouldn't be here.
It's pretty obvious you should.
You came here for a reason.
That was a good impulse.
Your addiction will fight any progress.
It's a parasite and it will fight
for its own survival until you're dead.
But progress is possible.
I just need to hear you say
that you are willing
and motivated to make changes.
[DRAMATICALLY] I cast you out,
unclean spirit!
You know, from The Exorcist.
[MIMICS] Your mother sucks c*ck in hell!
I haven't seen it.
Really?
Are you willing and motivated...?
You've never seen The Exorcist?
I can't help you unless...
My mother's gone to my flat
and she's boxed up everything.
Bottles and pills and everything.
Well, that's good.
That's a very clear commitment
to getting well.
There was blood on the bathroom walls.
She'll have seen that.
Not my blood. Not all of it, anyway.
Needles aren't my thing.
Lucky for me.
She's probably still there now,
Marigolds on, scrubbing away.
I know that the next time I drink or use,
I know that'll be it.
I'll be dead.
I don't think I knew that until right now,
until I literally just said it.
But it's true.
It's going to k*ll me.
Yeah. Yeah, I need help. Please help me.
[ON PA] Could Foster come
to Medical, please?
Foster to medical.
Withdrawal from benzodiazepines can
be physically and emotionally very tough.
[BOTTLE RATTLES]
You'll likely hallucinate
and your body
will be put under a lot of stress.
So, I'm going to give you some medication
that will stabilise you
and help reduce your risk of seizure.
And some benzodiazepine
at a reduced dosage.
Now, I understand you've come here
to get off drugs, not to take more,
so you might be reluctant to...
Right. [CHUCKLES] Good.
[GAGGING]
OK.
Hi, did you...?
Wait a moment please, Foster.
We will be monitoring you,
checking in regularly.
You'll have... In your room, there are
cords and buzzers for when you need help.
Don't be afraid to ask for it.
FOSTER: Come with me.
[SHE GROANS]
[FOSTER CLEARS HIS THROAT]
You're lucky.
Everyone else is sharing,
but you're an odd number.
Ah, it's snowing.
If you want to ask me anything
let me know.
I'm an old hand at this.
Hat?
Is it old hat or old hand?
It smells of disinfectant!
If madam would prefer a room that smells
of vomit and diarrhoea,
I'm sure she can be accommodated.
Well, I'm just saying!
It's a medical building.
It's not a hotel.
This will be fine!
Did, er...
Did the doctor ask
about your suicide attempt?
Excuse me?
Well, it's one of the psych questions.
If you're thinking of or planning
to k*ll yourself. You said you'd tried to.
Right.
Well, this bit can get pretty tough.
I don't want to come in
and find you dead on the floor.
That sort of clean-up, the paper work....
It's just a massive headache for me
that I don't need.
Oh!
Nah, you'll be fine.
Best thing about detox is,
once you've been through it once
you'd do anything to not
have to go through it again.
Here, some reading material
you may find useful.
Not a f*cking Bible!
Not exactly.
And you didn't fill out that form.
You were going to give me
that contact info for your mum.
Yeah, I will. I'll do it tomorrow.
Make sure you do.
Foster, is it?
Yeah.
I'm a little bit...
FOSTER: Scared?
Do you want to see a picture of my dog?
She's a mongrel.
Mostly English mastiff. Refuge dog.
Used for fighting and left for dead.
Look, her ear isn't all there
and she's blind in her right eye.
The kennel was going to put her down,
so I took her home with me.
She's impossible to house train,
destroyed almost everything I own.
She's bitten my right ankle,
both my calves, my knee,
my elbow, my hand here, here and here
and my shoulder.
Her name's Eleanor.
I love that dog.
How come you're allowed a phone?
Er, because I work here.
Can I borrow it?
There's a buzzer by the bed
and a cord in the bathroom.
We'll check in on you and make sure
you don't choke on your own vomit
or hit your head if you start fitting.
Did you take the meds?
It's much better with the meds.
Hang in there.
This is the easy part.
[HARSH TONE]
[WHEEZING, GASPING]
[WHITE NOISE CRACKLING]
[RETCHING, VOMITING]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[RHYTHMIC BOOMING]
[HARSH, SCRAPING TONES]
FOSTER: [CHEERILY] Good morning!
Time to meet the Group.
EMMA: I'm not ready!
Don't do this alone.
Oh, f*ck off!
[TONES SCREECHING, BOOMING CONTINUES]
DOCTOR: I understand
you don't feel ready to join the Group.
EMMA: Mum?
[ALARM BLARES]
FOSTER: God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
EMMA: NO!
Isolation is the first step
towards relapse.
The work is done in Group, by the Group.
[BURST OF WHITE NOISE]
FOSTER: You have
to take part in the Group.
I'm afraid we're pretty strict about this.
You can't just pick and choose
what to take part in.
You have to do everything.
WAVERLY: They want everything,
but you've got nothing to begin with.
[BURST OF WHITE NOISE]
DOCTOR: I need to ask you a few questions
to get a sense
of historical context for your using.
EMMA: It doesn't work!
It doesn't work like that.
[BURST OF WHITE NOISE]
FOSTER: Please understand that
if you refuse to take part in the Group
you will be required to leave treatment.
We're going to send you home.
I'll have to call your mother.
EMMA: [WAILS] Nooooo...!
No!
[BURST OF WHITE NOISE]
No!
[STOPS]
FOSTER: [CHEERILY] Good morning!
Well... [CLEARS THROAT]
..afternoon, technically.
What day is it?
How are you feeling?
Like the worst is over.
[FOSTER LAUGHS]
Well, what's it gonna be?
Are you going to speak to the therapist
and join the Group
or am I going to have Security
throw you out into the street, huh?
Er... What you doing?
I'm getting ready.
Well, you don't have to do that here.
I mean, you can, but...
FOSTER: Three things.
One.
Over the next few days you're going to cry
at things you wouldn't ordinarily cry at
and it won't be easy to stop
this is normal.
Two. From this moment on, you're going
to drink more coffee than you should.
You won't even notice you're doing it.
You'll always have a cup in your hand.
You have to watch that
because it messes with sleep
and you're going to need to sleep
more than before.
And three.
You have to be completely truthful
or the process won't work.
There's no judgement in here.
Every one of us is here for the same
reason and we're all very good at lying.
We're also good at spotting liars.
This is great coffee.
Prime example. It's terrible coffee.
Are you ready to begin?
No.
[HE CHUCKLES]
Let's start with your name, shall we?
Your real name.
Emma.
DOCTOR: Emma, good.
How are you feeling?
Like my insides have
been scrubbed with bleach.
Right. Vivid.
Emma, before you join the Group
I need to get some historical context
for your using.
That A led to B and therefore C.
Exactly.
Beginning, middle, end.
Isn't that how life works?
No.
How does life work?
You have a lot of certificates.
It's impressive.
I've not got that.
You didn't go to university?
No, I went to loads. Just not for long.
Never got that scroll!
I can't give you a letter for work, Emma.
Not until you complete the programme.
28 days?
At least.
Thing is, I came here to get everything
out of my system and now I have, nearly,
and I really feel ready to get back out...
You have addressed the chemical hooks,
not the central cause of your addiction.
Which is...?
Trauma.
You've done the first stage...
I can leave when I want, right?
Oh, absolutely.
Great. This has been fun. I'll never
use again, Brownie's honour. Goodbye.
FOSTER: Emma, you should listen...
DOCTOR: You can leave us now
Thanks you, Foster.
Sit down.
You even sound like my mother!
I don't know if this is your copy or
Foster's, but I've made some corrections.
Corrections?
Amendments.
Notes and things.
Have you actually read that thing?
Emma, the programme works
for a lot of people.
Except you don't know that.
Nobody does. It's all anonymous.
There's nothing evidence-based...
Emma, you asked for my help.
If it's vital to my recovery that I come
to believe in a power greater than me,
Emma...
That I turn my life over to God?
Have him remove my defects of character?
You just let me...
If this all depends on me
having a spiritual awakening
then we might all be wasting our time.
We're not.
Oh, I think we might be.
You're worried about the steps.
No, I'm worried that a trained medical
professional with this many certificates
can also be wearing a crucifix.
I don't believe the scientific method
disproves the existence...
Such a boring conversation! Of course
it does, of course it f*cking does!
I really need you
to be cleverer than this.
I really need you
to at least match me intellectually,
otherwise I'm going to leave
and if I leave I don't know if I'm...
I am not powerless. I am not helpless.
I don't believe addiction is a disease and
I'm scared and angered by the suggestion
that from now on it's either eternal
abstinence or binge to death.
I can't surrender to a higher power
because there isn't one, there just isn't,
and you, as someone who lives
in the 21st century, should know this.
Emma...
I wake up in wet sheets.
In places I don't recognise with bruises
I can't account for, men I don't know.
I've stolen from people.
I've slept on the streets. I'm in trouble.
I know that, but this book,
this process can't help me.
You can't help me.
I see a lot of clever people in here.
People who drink or use
because they just can't stop their big
brains from thinking, thinking, thinking.
Does that sound familiar?
You want me to conceptualise a universe
in which I am the sole agent of my destiny
while at the same time acknowledge
my absolute powerlessness?
It's a fatal contradiction
and I won't start building foundations
on a flawed premise.
That's not a fair characterisation of...
There is no meaning to anything.
There are no beginnings, middles and ends.
I am not the product
of the decisions I've made
or the things that have happened to me
I will not be reduced to that.
I'm not suggesting that you...
My brother died of a brain haemorrhage
while reading Pinocchio
to a group of five-year-olds.
Mark. He was two years younger than me
and he never touched drugs or alcohol.
He ran f*cking marathons.
For charity.
I should have died a thousand times,
but it was him.
If I tell you I was sexually abused
or the child of alcoholics,
if I say I returned from back-to-back
tours of Iraq and started to self-medicate
wouldn't that all just be
a massive simplification of the complexity
of just being a human f*cking person?
Were you?
Was I what?
Sexually abused.
Because we also have to do
a full sexual history.
You're not listening to what I'm...
I first got drunk with my brother
when I was 11 and he was ten.
I stole three bottles of Communion wine
and when I vomited it looked like blood.
That the sort of thing you want to hear?
Is it the truth?
No!
I never had a brother.
And he didn't die in front of children.
He died in his car.
Or he was stillborn maybe.
Or he grew up and died of old age.
Do you lie to protect yourself
or your addiction?
It's not lying! It's admitting
there's no truth to begin with.
Have you read Foucault?
Not lately.
Or Derrida? Baudrillard? Barthes?
You are an addict
because of Post-Modernism?
Ah!
I can't base my survival on slogans
and abstractions and vagueness.
I'm not the type of person
who can do Pilates on a beach
and mistake relaxation for spirituality.
I spent a year in the Far East,
but I didn't find enlightenment.
I found slums and sex tourism.
I chose this place
because it's ugly and it's grey
and it's in the middle of a car park
and I can look out on traffic
and homeless people and remind myself
that the world is all purposeless chaos.
I need something definitive.
I need to be fixed.
It doesn't work like that.
It's a long-term...
I don't do long-term.
Well, you're going to learn.
Because the strategies you've been using
just aren't working.
I hear all your concerns
about the programme.
I've heard them all before,
but right now it's the best we've got.
You think you've worked it all out.
Great! You're still dying.
And intellectually inferior as
I may be I am trying to save your life.
Now, sit down.
The Twelve Steps
outline the process of recovery
as experienced by its earliest members.
And, yes, it was about accepting God,
but here we use a modified version
with religiously neutral wording.
Have you heard the expression
'powerless over nouns'?
Nouns? As in...?
People, places and things.
Oh, like Facebook?
Excuse me?
On Facebook the search box says...
I'm not on Facebook.
No. Nor am I really. I mean, who is?
It is a rewrite of Step One of Twelve.
Instead of declaring ourselves powerless
over alcohol or drugs,
we admit to being powerless
over people, places and things.
People who make us want to relapse,
places that we associate with using
and things that reactivate old behaviours.
Now, does that make sense to you?
Yes.
And when you're in recovery...
Back in the real world.
..you will need to find a way to handle
being in those places with those people.
And those things.
I find reality pretty difficult.
I find the business of getting out of bed
and getting on with the day really hard.
I find picking up my phone
to be a mammoth f*cking struggle.
The number on my inbox
and the friends who won't see me any more.
Constant news alerts
and opinions about everything.
Pictures of dead children
next to adverts for skin care.
The ethical gymnastics it takes just to be
able to pretend that everything is normal!
I find the knowledge that we're all just
atoms and one day we'll stop
and be dirt in the ground,
I find that overwhelmingly...
..disappointing.
And I wish I could feel otherwise.
I wish I could be like you.
Or my mother.
To believe that some things
are predetermined and meaningful
and we're somewhere on a track
between the start and the finish line.
But I can't because I care about what's
true what is actually, verifiably true.
You're able to forfeit rationality
for a comforting untruth,
so how are you supposed to help me?
You're looking at the world through such
a tight filter you're barely living in it.
You are barely alive.
You talk about your mother a lot.
Drugs and alcohol have never let me down.
They have always loved me.
There are substances I can put into my
bloodstream that make the world perfect.
That is the only absolute truth
in the universe.
I'm being difficult because you're trying
to take it away from me, so... sorry!
If we don't bond with people,
particularly parents,
we seek a connection elsewhere.
Drugs. Alcohol.
God.
[SCOFFS] Mark, my brother,
he believed in God.
He wasn't as bright as me.
He didn't really stretch himself.
He once told me he believed the entire
universe existed in his imagination
and that when he died
everything would be snuffed out.
But then he died
and everything just carried on.
So, that's that hypothesis disproved.
DOCTOR: I can't force you to stay.
I can't force you to be truthful.
I can just tell you that the process
only works if you are honest
with yourself, with me and with others.
Denial.
Denial is what will k*ll you.
I'm not good in groups.
I can believe that.
You've already come so far, Emma.
Don't let that be for nothing.
I would like you to see
how the programme works in practice.
Meet the Group and my colleague, Lydia.
Well, who's Lydia?
Hello. I'm Lydia.
I'm one of the therapists here.
Why do you all look like my mother?
Why don't you introduce yourself?
Hi, I'm Emma.
GROUP: Hello, Emma.
LYDIA: Take a seat.
I'm all right here, actually.
Emma, we're all in recovery.
You can say whatever you like here.
You're not in recovery.
He's not in recovery.
FOSTER: Seven years.
LYDIA: 21.
Yeah, man.
We're all here for the same reason.
No offence to anyone or the process,
but I'm kind of private.
Gotcha.
I just want to get my head down
and do my time.
You're a lone wolf.
Exactly.
Who else here is a lone wolf?
Take a seat, Emma.
Why don't you tell us about yourself?
Seriously? I have to jump straight in?
It's a safe space. Tell us your story.
[BUZZER]
All right, fine. f*ck it!
Er... Where should I start?
Well, er... I guess it was...
It all started when I was much younger
and I met this guy.
I bet that's how a lot
of these stories start, eh, ladies?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Anyway, I was in a relationship
with this guy.
Norwegian, older, writer.
He was actually really talented
but he never lived up to it because...
Well, he was an alcoholic.
That ended, predictably,
and I met someone else.
A much more solid, reliable, nice guy
George, an academic.
I now know...
No. I knew...
I knew at the time
that I didn't really love him.
We got married and, er...
we had some money troubles.
So, George went for a professorship...
Excuse me, sorry.
LYDIA: Let her talk, Mark.
MARK: OK, but...
LYDIA: Mark...
Anyway...
Well, things were sort of fine,
in a way, but, well...
Small world, an old school friend,
Thea, started seeing my ex, the writer.
OK, sorry, but this is...
Can he just interrupt me like that?
No. Go ahead, Emma.
Well, um...
Things came to a head when the manuscript
of my ex's work just went missing...
All right, enough, this is stupid...
Mark, please sit down and let her speak!
Sit down and let me finish, Mark.
WAVERLY: I'd like to say something...
I'd just like to speak briefly
to the Group, if I may.
I'm sorry, Paul, but you have to leave.
I will, I promise.
But please, please
let me just say a few words.
Your treatment has been terminated...
'I want to apologise to you all
with my whole heart...'
Paul, please. Let's go.
It's OK. Go ahead, Paul.
'I know that my behaviour here
was stupid and dangerous,
'not only to myself,
but also as a trigger for others' relapse.
'I smuggled in some substances.'
Ketamine.
'It was a breach of my agreement
and resulted in my ejection, but...'
I don't like begging.
I was making progress.
I was doing really well. Please.
Paul...
Please give me a second chance.
'I believe I have
extenuating circumstances.
'I wouldn't have used if what happened...
'If what happened hadn't happened.
I just want it all to stop.'
What happened?
Emma, it's best if we don't
talk among ourselves.
If you have a question...
What circumstances? What happened?
PAUL: Robert.
My partner, fianc of 18 years.
Dead. Heroin.
We didn't do needles. I don't know where
he got it. I can't go home. It's not real.
I don't want to die. I want it to stop.
I've got these voices and they're scaring
me and I just want it to stop.
Well, you should stay.
No, Emma! There are strict rules.
f*ck that! He'll die or k*ll someone.
I don't think I'd k*ll someone.
This has to be a drug-free environment.
FOSTER: Paul can come back once...
Who here thinks he should stay?
Emma, this is not a democracy!
You wanted me to join the Group,
well I have.
I'm in the sacred circle of truth
and this guy seems like one of our people.
Who thinks he should stay and get well
and who thinks he should be
sent to his death?
Er... That's unfair wording.
That's the reality of the situation.
Put your hand up if you want him gone.
And who wants to save his life?
LYDIA: Emma,
that's simply not how we work.
Whoa! Security to Group, please.
[RANTING] Don't scrabble in the dirt with
us poor c**ts then put on smart shoes.
MARK: Paul, you're talking sh*t, mate.
f*ck off to Goa! f*ck off up
a yoga mountain with magic crystals.
You don't know me!
f*ck off to paradise, you prim prig.
LYDIA: OK, that's it. Enough.
Anything else you want to say? Come on!
I don't owe you. I'm not in your debt.
Thank you for making that clear.
I don't want to be your f*cking friend.
I just want to get well and go home.
Yes, I could have gone somewhere else,
but I chose not to.
I don't think I'm better than anyone.
I think we're all the same!
EMMA: I'm...
I'm sorry your fianc died.
My brother died, too,
the week before I got here. Pills.
I found him in the stairwell
of our building curled up in a ball.
He'd cried blood. I wish I'd died instead.
I wish I'd died without having
to see him dead. We are all the same.
Paul, you understand
you can't simply re-join the Group.
f*ck this. f*ck all of this.
It's all bullshit.
It's all just bullshit!
None of this is real.
When you're sat here tonight being
all serious, you think about me out there.
I'll be having the night of my life.
[EMMA SOBBING]
LYDIA: It's all right, um...
Let's all take five
for some tea and biscuits, shall we?
I have every right and inclination
to eject you from treatment.
First, you refuse to join the Group,
and then you attempt
to demolish it from within.
He attacked me!
Believe me when I tell you
I've seen it all before. I can't be
shocked and I won't be undermined.
Then eject me. I don't care.
I'll go, just give me my letter.
No, you're not going anywhere.
When the Group returns,
you are going to apologise.
And then you are going to sit,
listen and learn something.
[HISSES] c**t!
Grrr!
[SLOW CLAP]
MARK: Bravo. That's quite a performance.
You know it's rude to interrupt someone
when they're telling their life story.
I do know that, yes, but that wasn't your
life story. It's the plot of Hedda Gabler.
How far were you going to go with it?
I mean, she f*cking dies in the end.
Don't we all?
Not me. I'm immortal.
I've taken hits
that would k*ll an elephant.
EMMA: I quit.
First time, huh?
Yeah, I quit everything my first time.
But you got to take it easy.
First couple of times
I went through treatment,
the guilt I felt, the weight of it.
Came out thinking
I have failed so badly at life.
Went straight to my dealer both times.
Took enough to snuff it.
First time, I chickened out,
called an ambulance,
but the second time,
I went down by the canal.
Yeah, stupid.
Some good f*cking Samaritan jogged by
and happened to be 'medically
f*cking trained' for f*ck's sake!
What was the high like?
[LAUGHING] Yeah! That's the question.
Take enough to k*ll you, must be
a great high. Yeah, you are in trouble.
Was it? You know you can't smoke in here.
It's a medical...
Medical building, yeah.
[LIGHTER CLICKS]
Did Foster warn you about the coffee?
[GROANS]
You'll find you'll need much more coffee
and then you won't sleep
and that's dangerous
because you shouldn't get too tired.
Or hungry or angry, lonely, horny.
Too anything, really.
Keep the right size is what they say.
What we say. Keep perspective.
We're addicts
because we have a toxic combination
of low self-esteem and grandiosity.
If I ever need advice on how to fail
at recovery I'll come to you.
You're mean. You're a mean woman.
I'm trying to change.
[CHUCKLES] You're in the right place.
Although no major changes
in the first year that's what they say.
Don't move house. Don't change jobs.
Don't start new relationships.
So, you're an actress?
No.
Really?
No, I'm not an actress.
I'm a seagull.
Right, yeah. I don't know that reference.
When I first came, I thought this place
would be full of actresses and singers,
but it's just, you know, normal people.
You done any telly?
Can we not talk about it, actually?
This is supposed to be a bubble
away from reality.
Right. I agree with you.
Although you're completely wrong.
This is as real as it gets.
Huh? Go on.
Treat yourself.
People who aren't addicted to anything
are really missing out, you know?
To have something
that can make you feel complete and loved
and satisfied
and to be able to actually get it.
It's not unrequited, it loves you back.
So, the therapist's an addict, too?
It's so smart to get a job here.
I'm thinking of applying for one myself.
I'd never have to leave.
Do you want to come to my room later?
[LAUGHS]
You're a nightmare!
The Group doesn't work
unless we all contribute.
Everyone is vulnerable.
If you mess around in here
you jeopardise everyone's recovery.
Right now, you're a human hand grenade.
Tell the truth about who you are,
or I will.
I've told you the truth. I'm a seagull.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
We were hearing from Emma.
I'm done.
Was there nothing you wanted to add?
I'm very, very sorry for undermining
the process just now.
This is all very new to me.
LYDIA: Would anyone like to comment
on what happened?
No? OK. Would anyone like to practise?
Practise what?
One way we prepare for life in recovery
is to practise certain interactions,
important conversations.
[LAUGHING] What, like, roleplay?
Would you like to practise, Emma?
God, no.
MARK: I will.
LYDIA: All right, good. Where are we?
MARK: At work.
Couple of months from now,
if all goes well.
You're my boss.
EMMA: What?
It's an exercise.
I have to pretend to be his boss?
Chester. He's fat and bald.
Then get him to do it!
I'm not bald.
You don't have to look like the person.
Why me?
I just feel like you'll be good at this.
Ask me what you're like.
Why?
It's how we play the game.
What am I like?
You're a liar.
FOSTER: Feelings are not facts, Mark.
[SNIFFS] Has someone been smoking in here?
MARK: You lie so much
you've forgotten what's true.
EMMA: Is that right?
LYDIA: How about some observations
that are less subjective?
You're in your mid-60s.
You'd be tall if you didn't hunch.
Scottish. Glasgow maybe.
You want me to do an accent?
LYDIA AND FOSTER: No!
The door is there. Desk is there.
You swear you've stopped drinking,
but there's a bottle of Glenfiddich
in your bottom drawer.
You smile when you see me. You make
eye contact and shake my hand too hard.
There's nothing I can say
that you haven't already heard.
I'm going to ask for one more last chance.
OK. In three, two, one...
Hello, I'm Charlotte
and I'm a heroin addict.
GROUP: Hello, Charlotte.
Did you want to say something today, Emma?
Go on, Emma.
f*ck off, Mark.
Will you help me practise?
No, sorry.
Emma, when someone asks you...
I'm just feeling a bit spaced out.
CHARLOTTE: Just like me when I started.
That sounds like projection.
Honestly, it's dj-vu.
All right, come on, then,
Ghost of Junky Future, let's do it.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Last year, I had an accident at work.
You sound like an insurance advert.
Do you know what diamorphine is?
Sorry, what's the roleplay here?
It's heroin. Did you know doctors
give you heroin as pain relief?
Good old NHS!
Ten years clean.
Making packed lunches,
driving my husband's kids to school,
only to wake up with a needle in my arm.
Back to nothing, because of an accident.
I'd been loading flowers into the truck
and I just slipped.
Wait, you literally fell off a wagon?
LYDIA: Emma!
You're my stepdaughter. You're 11.
You're very brave and very angry.
You slapped me awake when you found me
turning blue, called the ambulance.
We haven't spoken since then.
I need to practise that conversation.
EMMA: What do I say?
LYDIA: You just listen.
Hi, hello. I'm Shaun.
I'm a cocaine addict. Mostly.
GROUP: Hi, Shaun.
We've never met face-to-face, but
it's important because I ruined your life.
Emma, are you all right?
Where are we?
SHAUN: Somewhere public, neutral.
A Starbucks or something.
Who am I?
You're the CEO of the company
I bankrupted.
Right, well, then,
you can pay for the coffees.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[FOSTER CLEARS HIS THROAT]
I had a system.
Cocaine, caffeine to wake me up.
Weed and Xanax to let me down.
I had stuff to help me focus, exercise,
have sex. That's you too, right?
Sorry?
A human pharmacy.
Till something knocked you off balance.
What knocked you?
LYDIA: Keep it about you, Shaun.
Being a trader was a religion for me.
The Divine Wisdom of Market Forces!
The inner workings of the universe.
But then Brexit, Covid.
People losing everything
and there I was making six figures.
Poor you(!)
The world stopped making sense
and I lost my mind.
Aged 24, I had a heart attack at my desk.
Now it's Ukraine, China, Trump.
LYDIA: Shaun.
SHAUN: Sorry.
I've been working with Lydia trying to
think of myself as separate from the job
or global events, but it's hard.
You know, to believe there's a sense
to the world, logic, meaning, then realise
it's all just chaos.
I'm Laura. I'm an alcoholic.
GROUP: Hello, Laura.
You're my sister.
EMMA: No.
FOSTER: Emma, the exercise...
EMMA: Pick someone else!
LYDIA: No, it's all right.
We're all at different stages,
Let's allow Emma to find...
We're in your kitchen.
[EMMA SIGHS]
You'll have your back turned to me,
doing the dishes.
I'll offer to dry.
You'll say, 'Leave that.'
You had a kid three years ago
and I still haven't met him.
This will be the first time
assuming you'll see me again.
What did you do?
LYDIA: Emma, you don't directly ask...
I stole from you
and I got high at your wedding.
You sound fun.
You started me drinking.
Then cut me out
when you got your life together.
EMMA: OK. I'm sorry. Are we done?
LYDIA AND FOSTER: No.
I think about everything that's happened
and I just want to die.
Then I have days where I think,
'Look how far you've come!'
I'm alive. It's a miracle.
I'm a f*cking miracle.
I want to tell you that we're the same,
that you're a miracle, too.
Hi. Jodi. Alcoholic.
GROUP: Hi, Jodi.
Addict, too. Prescription pills.
Come on then, let's practise.
Excuse me?
Where are we? Who do you want me to be?
Jodi, you don't have to...
My husband. You're impatient. You don't
listen. You think you know everything.
[SNIGGERING]
Got it!
I need to tell you
we can't be together any more.
That I never really drank
until I got pregnant.
That I stockpile painkillers,
sleeping pills.
Go without and then...
I don't want to die. I don't think
that's what I'm trying to do.
But everything's gone so wrong
and I want to be all brand new,
but look at me.
Either I lose my son, my home, my family,
my life even, or I stop drinking.
To most people, that sounds
like an easy choice, but it's not.
Sorry.
LYDIA: You don't have to apologise.
Not to us.
FOSTER: Where are we, Jodi?
Not face-to-face. On the phone I think.
Should I mime?
Not on the phone, Jodi.
These important, immediate conversations
should all happen here.
With support from us.
JODI: Right.
OK. So, we are here and you're my husband,
you're standing over there and...
Foster's Foster, and he's over there,
and here we go.
Yeah, hi everyone. T, like the letter.
Addict.
GROUP: Hello, T.
Addicted to pretty much anything,
honestly. What you got?
Born an addict. Addict in the womb.
Methadone. I'm not blaming Mum.
LYDIA: That's all right, T,
that's context.
EMMA: Don't dare make me your mother!
I weren't gonna.
Thank f*ck for that.
You're Marcus, my care worker.
I ain't seen you since I was 15.
I stabbed you in the hand...
Can I please just sit this one out?
There's a lot to fill you in on.
I turned some tricks, robbed some people,
climbed in windows.
Cash in hand and straight on gear.
I thought I was all right,
but I was just surviving.
Like a dog without an owner.
I found out recently...
I wanted to tell you because I haven't
told anyone in my life outside, but...
I found out I'm HIV positive.
FOSTER: Where are we, T?
Playground near Thorpe Road,
my first placement.
I'm wearing a proper shirt with buttons.
Want it to feel official somehow.
Want to show you I'm good.
You don't have to worry, if you...
If you have been.
What am I like?
You used to pull this face
like you were listening to me.
I think maybe, right now I'm realising,
I think that maybe
you actually were listening to me.
I think that maybe you did...
do care what happens to me
and that I don't have to say nothing.
I can just be there, alive and clean.
Not so angry or that'll all mean something
without me having to say.
You looked at me like I'm a real person
and I wouldn't still be here,
I wouldn't have made the effort
if it weren't for that, so...
I'm sorry for what I done to your hand.
Is that OK?
LYDIA: Do you want to say something, Emma?
Anything else you want to say, T?
Er, yeah, there is. I wrote a list.
It's, like, pubs, clubs,
all the places I can't go no more.
[GROUP LAUGHS]
Gigs, festivals...
Parks.
Funfairs.
Restaurants. Beaches.
Birthdays. Christmas.
Brick Lane, Soho, Hoxton, Camberwell.
Chemists. Asda.
Stamford Bridge. Terminal 5.
New Year.
Weddings.
Stag dos. Christmas parties.
The Printworks.
Friday nights...
Nah, nah, Saturday nights!
Monday mornings.
Winter.
Summer.
My boys... Friends... Colleagues...
My sister's house.
If I'm with these people, if I walk
in these places, that's me a dead body.
JODI: Where are we supposed to go?
What are we supposed to do?
T: I'll be under house arrest. What am
I supposed to do in my house sober?
Watching daytime TV, sober?
Going on a date sober.
Having sex for the first time
while sober.
How does anyone do that?
At what point do I tell them the truth?
Anyone sensible would run a mile. I would.
I'd run. I can't be around people like me.
No offence.
But if you haven't been through it
how could you possibly understand?
LYDIA: Do you want to say something, Emma?
No.
LAURA: Life is just so boring.
I've got to find a way to enjoy that.
MARK: You're my sister.
You could be any woman in my life, really.
It's the same thing I need to say.
Amends.
That's the hardest and most rewarding
part of this whole thing.
You put it out there
with no hope of getting anything back.
Like a prayer, I guess.
I mean, 'Amends'.
Well, that's got 'Amen' in it.
I used to have a temper.
Still do, it's just different now.
You'd poured a bottle of Smirnoff
down the sink.
Vodka to me was like spinach to Popeye.
I broke your jaw and stamped on your leg,
broke your ankle and you forgave me.
You let me stay that Christmas. I stole
your kid's new bike from under the tree.
Flogged it Christmas Eve.
My Gran, she raised me.
Cancer.
I took her pain relief.
I'd hear her calling out, trying to scream
and I'd be like, 'Sorry, Nan.
'There's nothing left.
They must have made a mistake again.'
Now she's dead so how do I amend for that?
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
I didn't really plan what to say. Sorry.
I just felt like sharing
so I stood up and started talking.
I used to go days
without talking to anyone.
But this. Here. Now.
Listening and being listened to.
Being seen.
It's saving my life, I think.
You're this girl
I went home with one time.
She was beautiful, really wasted.
Didn't know what planet you were on.
I should have put you in a taxi.
Been a gentleman.
You had these little scars
all over your legs and arms.
You were barely awake during....
I didn't learn your name until after,
when the police said it.
Joanna.
When I woke up you were cold.
Blue lips.
I'm going to hell for that.
For not being a good person
when you needed one.
For being the opposite.
I heard this expression in a meeting
'I was a scream in search of a mouth.'
I don't know what it means exactly,
but that's me, before.
A scream in search of a mouth.
You know, in prison they get you
to make your bed every day.
Like here.
Anyway, I made my bed this morning.
Without having to remember to do it.
I just got up and did it.
I never used to do that.
Take care of myself?
Now I'm doing things without thinking.
Good things.
I don't know, it's little
but I thought it was worth mentioning.
LYDIA: Thank you, Mark.
Emma?
Is there something you want
to share with the Group today?
Still nothing?
This is your fifth week with us.
We're only as sick as our secrets, Emma.
f*ck off, Foster.
LYDIA: All right. Well, anything pressing
for anyone before we finish?
Yeah.
Emma's refusal to engage with the process
is compromising everyone's recovery.
EMMA: f*ck off, Mark.
I'm helping you, Emma.
We recover as a Group.
We need this to be a safe place to share.
She's just sitting there
looking at us like we're material.
SHAUN: Material for what?
EMMA: Shut up, Mark.
LYDIA: All right, well, thank you, Mark.
Is anyone else frustrated
by Emma's lack of engagement?
EMMA: f*ck this!
MARK: Knock-knock.
f*ck off!
I really am trying to help. If you can't
say it, then you can't get well.
'Hello. I'm Emma.
I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.'
Look, I've done my time, I'm out.
Time?
Doctor said a minimum 28 days.
So, you waited out the clock?
If your progress here can be jeopardised
by me being a c**t
then you truly are a lost cause.
Say the words!
'Hello. I'm Emma.
I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.'
'Hey, how you doing?
I'm an alchy and a pill head.'
You're right. You're a c**t!
I might also be your best friend
in the world.
You don't know anything about me.
Nah, I've seen you.
It took me a while to work it out,
but I saw you in that Shakespeare
where you get your hands cut off.
I've seen you on stage a few times.
Mostly in theatres above pubs.
Much less suspicious to drink alone
if you're in an audience.
I remember thinking,
'She's gonna be great.'
Yeah.
I used to think that, too.
You know, with a play
you get instructions.
Like stage directions,
and someone clothes you,
tells you where to be and when.
You get to live out the most intense
moments of a life over and over again,
with all the boring bits left out.
And you get to practise for weeks!
And then you get applauded.
Then you get changed, you leave through
stage door, bus home, back to real life.
All the boring bits left in.
God, just waiting and temping.
Answering phones, serving canaps.
Nothing permanent. You can't plan.
You can't get a mortgage or pay for a car.
And then, an audition comes in.
You try to look right and you sit
in a room surrounded by people
who look exactly like you,
all up for the same part.
Never hear back.
Or you get the part, and then
it's sitting around in rehearsals
or backstage
earning less than you did temping.
And you make these friendships
with people, like a little family,
and fall in love onstage and off and then
it's over and you don't see them again.
You try not to take it personally
when people who aren't as good as you
get the parts.
Or when you go from being the sexy ingenue
to the tired mother of three.
But you keep going because sometimes,
if you're really, really lucky,
you get to be onstage
and get to say things that are absolutely
true, even if they're made-up.
You get to do things that feel
more authentic, more real, more meaningful
than anything in your own life.
You get to speak poetry,
words you would never think to say,
but that become yours as you speak them.
'And when he shall die
take him and cut him out in little stars,
'and he will make the face of heaven
so fine
'that all the world
will be in love with night,
'and pay no worship to the garish sun.'
It feels like Lydia is trying to get me
to acknowledge some buried trauma,
but there isn't any.
I played Antigone and every night
my heart broke for her dead brother.
Then my own brother died
and I felt nothing.
I missed the funeral
because I had a matinee.
I'm not avoiding talking to the Group
because I've got something to hide, Mark,
it's the opposite.
If I'm not in character I don't know if
I'm there. I'm nothing. I'm already dead.
I want to live a hundred lives
and be everywhere
and fight against the infinitesimal time
we have on this planet.
Acting gives me the same thing
I get from drugs and alcohol.
Good parts are just harder to come by.
Oh, man, I really...
I really miss my brother.
[DISTANT MUSIC PLAYING]
Is that music?
It's my graduation party.
You're leaving?
Tomorrow, first thing.
Good.
Orange squash and karaoke.
You're f*cking kidding me!
Can I ask you something?
Is your name really Emma?
I'm leaving, so you may as well tell me.
Emma's my stage name.
There was already someone
with my real name.
My real name is Sarah.
Sarah.
This isn't even my real voice.
I lost my accent at drama school.
[ACCENT] I naturally talk like that.
Don't tell anyone!
Please.
What? What have I said?
Is your brother dead?
Did you even have a brother?
Mark!
Did you?
If you want to come to the party I won't
stop you, but if you try to sing I will.
Oh, yeah...!
It may be stupid, but it's important.
A lot of people here are trying
really hard to make themselves well.
They're being honest to a group
of strangers, they're taking risks.
They're turning themselves inside out
and not sitting on the sidelines.
You don't get to do karaoke
unless you're part of the Group.
Now, if you want to join the party,
join the party.
Are you f*cking serious?
'Hello!'
'I'm Sarah. I'm Sarah,
and I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic.
'I'm a liar and I'm going to f*ck this up
'and break all your hearts
by dropping dead on the bedroom floor
'because I'm too f*cking interested
'in staring into the blank void
of my own personality.'
'I'm Sarah.
Possibly. Who really knows?'
I'm Sarah
and I'm brilliant at being other people
'and I'm totally useless
at being myself.'
'I'm Sarah.'
['Piece Of My Heart' by Janis Joplin]
FOSTER: Take it!
Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
Whoa, break it!
Break another little piece
of my heart now, darling, yeah
Whoa, another
Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby
You know you got it
if it makes you feel good, yeah!
[STOPS]
Thank you, Foster!
The song list is going around.
If you want to get up here and sing,
then add your name to the sheet.
Tonight, we say goodbye
to a valued member of the Group.
Mark!
[WHOOPS, CHEERS]
I would like to raise
a non-alcoholic toast.
This isn't your first graduation.
I hope it's your last.
And please understand what I mean
when I say I hope I don't see you again.
Don't come back!
[CHEERS]
[MIC FEEDBACK]
EMMA: Janis Joplin died
of a heroin overdose.
Quite an ironic choice of song, Foster.
Jesus, is this what parties are like
without any alcohol?
Seriously, I'd like to say a few things...
Emma, it's not the best...
It's Sarah.
Actually...
Yeah, my name is Sarah.
I'm sorry I've not been honest with you
about that. Or about anything, really.
Truth is difficult when your job is
to lie for a living, but here goes.
My name is Sarah.
I'm not gonna say I'm an alcoholic
and a drug addict.
I'm not gonna say I'm powerless
or I surrender.
FOSTER: Surrender isn't defeat...
I won't join your tribe.
I don't belong to you.
I can't surround myself with people
who think the same as me
because that's madness.
CHARLOTTE: This isn't the time or place!
I'm sharing a truth with you.
You all talk as if you're the problem.
But the problem isn't you.
It is everything else!
Self-medicating is the only way to survive
in a world that is broken.
Someone pull the plug.
f*ck you, Sarah!
It took my brother eight hours to die.
Where's the f*cking meaning in that?
If there is a higher power
then strike me down.
Come ye spirits
that tend on mortal thoughts.
OK, Sarah...
It's not about you. This is about Mark.
MARK: It's OK, she needs to do this.
I want to believe that my problems
are meaningful, but I can't!
There are people dying of thirst,
people living in f*cking w*r zones!
And here we are talking about ourselves
as if we can solve everything
by confronting our defects!
We're not defective.
It's the world that's f*cked!
Shouldn't we feel good
for those people who can't?
Don't we owe it to them
to say, 'f*ck this, let's drink'?
MARK: Sarah...
If I deny myself choice then what am I?
I want to live!
I want to live vividly! I want to make
huge, heroic, spectacular mistakes.
Because what else is there? This?
Shame and boredom
and f*cking orange squash?
Let's have a real drink!
One drink just to know
that the world won't end.
Don't you remember how good it feels?
Can't you just taste it?
The whole universe in one room!
Your body hot with joy, with certainty,
with love, love, love, love!
[MUSIC POUNDING]
WOMAN: You're so gorgeous.
EMMA: Thanks.
I'm just trying to say a few things.
WOMAN: Amazing! I love everything you do.
EMMA: That's so nice!
I'm having such a great time!
[SIRENS BLARING]
Am I driving right now?
[MUSIC STOPS, SIRENS CONTINUE]
What I'm trying to say is...
What I need to say is...
Can you hear me?
We'll have to pump your stomach, OK?
Thank you. Thank you so much!
You need to get back in bed.
It's dangerous for you to be
walking around, do you understand?
But I'm in the middle of something!
[MUSIC POUNDING]
[STOPS]
What I'm trying to say is...
What I need to say is...
There's a bar outside.
We could all go for a drink.
Together.
Just one drink.
Yes?
[SCREAMS] YES!
[HIGH ENERGY]
[INTENSIFIES]
[STOPS]
Can I help you?
Checking in or picking up?
Hello?
[GROANS]
[WEAKLY] I need help.
What did you say?
I said I need help.
Holy sh*t.
Please help me?
Doctor to reception, please.
Doctor to reception.
You changed your hair.
My name is Sarah.
And I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Hello, Sarah.
My life is unmanageable.
I'm willing and motivated to change.
I surrender.
I surrender, I surrender.
Sarah,
do you know what went wrong last time?
You tried to control everything,
every part of the process.
That didn't work,
so you hit the self-destruct button.
Addicts seek to control everything.
They fear chaos.
They think that they are
the broken centre of the universe.
You have to have faith
that things aren't going to fall apart.
Trust the process, Sarah. Let go.
[DESPERATELY] How? How do I do that?
I'm not being difficult or controlling,
I really want to know. I want to try.
No.
Take them.
I came here to get off drugs,
not to take more.
I understand that.
I don't want medication.
I need to feel it.
I need it to be irrevocable.
It is completely natural to want to have
the most vivid experience
because that's what you're used to,
that's what you feel you deserve
and that's what will make you feel
more connected to your recovery.
I get that, but going cold turkey
is dangerous.
It can k*ll you.
There will be time for guilt
and punishment and connection later.
This is the easy part.
Don't be stupid. Take the pills.
Go to your room.
You really do sound like my mother.
[FLUSHES]
[GROANS]
You know the drill, right?
Need me to go over anything?
I can't believe
you actually got a job here.
Living the dream!
What happened to Foster?
Oh, right. Yeah, you don't know.
What?
Stupid b*stard. His um... His dog died.
Oh.
Ran into the road and went under a car.
And Foster just... He took it badly.
He relapsed?
He was really low
and they changed his antidepressants.
The new meds sort of
knocked him off balance.
We don't know if he meant to do it.
He's dead?
Oh, sh*t!
Yeah.
Oh, listen,
I need you to complete the forms.
Next of kin. Your mum?
And we need to arrange for her to visit.
Both your parents.
No.
It's important those conversations
take place here and are mediated.
I don't want them to see me here.
I need them to see me back home,
not as a patient.
I know you'll say that's a bad idea.
It is a bad idea, Sarah, listen...
PAUL: I heard you were here. Welcome back.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm sorry I wronged you.
It was the bleakest,
darkest time in my life,
but out of that darkness came a great
light and the love of Jesus Christ.
He came to me when I most needed him,
spoke to me and told me what I had to do.
Tell her what Jesus told you to do.
He told me to drink.
He told me to drink until I drowned.
He told me to put heroin in my veins
and join him in heaven.
That Robert and I would be together,
that it would be blissful.
That he would turn the poison
into love in my veins.
OK.
And I listened.
I followed him
and he brought me into his church.
And I felt something break.
And I felt his love.
And I know the poison is love
and that he is testing me.
And I can overcome it.
We can all overcome it.
He sent you here.
Bless you for your kindness.
And bless you, Lord.
We are three sinners.
You watch our paths. You author them.
You have given us the gift of desperation.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen
MARK: Amen.
You have to say Amen.
Why?
MARK: It's like pressing Send on an email.
Amen!
So, I see Paul's back.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll leave you to it.
Mark!
We'll be monitoring you.
The first acting job I had
was this corporate...
I'm not supposed
to be alone with you in here...
I feel like I owe you.
Like I owe you, I don't know,
a true story.
What's a corporate?
It's like a tradeshow thing.
Not a play or...
Right.
Advertising, basically.
A hall full of little stages,
repeating this f*cking awful monologue
to a handful of bored businessmen.
'Why bring the past into the present?
'We stand resolutely in the present,
arms wide, looking towards the future!
'I am now! You are now!'
[SNIGGERING]
'We are...'
[GROANS]
Are you OK?
I had to stand in a spotlight
and make this horrible,
generic speech sound meaningful.
I got 100 for the day
and I thought I'd hit the big time.
Mark, my brother,
helped me learn my lines.
'In a world that sets limits,
that says you shouldn't try,
'that says you'll fail in a world
that says no,
'Quixotic says yes.'
Quixotic?
Like Don Quixote.
What, Road Runner?
That's Wile E Coyote!
That's the company name?
It means romantic, chivalrous, visionary.
Are all your references cartoons?
I thought you watched plays!
'At Quixotic we don't believe
in boundaries or limitations.
'We believe in the pioneer.
We believe in...'
Sarah!
Sometimes, when you audition, they ask
you for a classical and a modern speech.
I'd use it for my modern.
My thinking was that if I could get
this bullshit marketing speak to work,
if I can make this list of abstract nouns
sound meaningful
then they'd see how good an actress I am.
Sarah, you don't owe me...
Mark learned it before I did.
I had to repeat and repeat and repeat.
He'd quote it to me.
I have a text from him on my phone that
says, 'What a thing it is to be alive.
'What a thing it is to swim in the sea,
to look up at the...'
And it's gone. He's gone.
I can't remember it.
I can't get through it on my own.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
Sarah, have you taken your medication?
Sarah, can you hear me?
Sarah!
[CHAOTIC WHITE NOISE POUNDING]
[SCREAMING]
[STOPS]
[CRIES OUT]
[CRIES OUT]
[PANTING, BREATHLESS]
[BREATHING STEADIES]
[DISTORTED, ELECTRONIC PULSES BOOMING]
[STOPS]
[DEEP BREATH, YAWN]
MARK: You're early.
SARAH: I'm gonna practise.
Thank you so much.
Morning.
Um... I'd like to practise.
Go ahead, Sarah.
You're my dad. You're hovering
in the doorway, which is sort of here.
LYDIA: Where are we?
My old bedroom at my parents' house.
It's like a museum to my childhood self.
The bed is here.
Yeah, the bed is here, the door is there.
There's all this stuff piled up everywhere
because they use it for storage now.
You're my brother.
Sarah, we're practising for the future,
not re-enacting.
You're my brother. You're Mark.
You died almost two years ago
and your bedroom was next to this one.
When we were kids you'd hear me crying
sometimes and you'd come in
and we'd sit together in silence
and you'd hold my hand until I stopped.
And I'll always love you for that
even though you're gone.
Even when I'm gone those things were...
are... will be meaningful.
So, all I need you to do is sit with me
and hold my hand without speaking, OK?
You're my mother.
Oh, I don't participate...
You won't have to do much, trust me.
GROUP: Lydia, go on...
We really don't... OK, OK, fine.
You're my mother. You hate being in here.
You want to be watching your programmes.
PAUL: What am I like?
SARAH: You're uncomfortable being in here.
You hate any kind of confrontation
or emotional display.
You feel you never really got to know me
because I had different interests to you
and that didn't make sense.
You're insecure about your intellect
because you know that your wife
and daughter are cleverer than you.
You loved Mark because you understood him.
You've been unable to help me,
and you're angry
that what you hoped my life would be like
is not at all what it has been.
You've been downstairs using the kitchen
table for your genealogy charts.
You've been doing that
for about ten years.
We've not eaten at that table
in almost a decade.
You don't want to talk about my problems
and you don't want to talk
about Mark's death.
Mum...
You're frustrated with me.
You had hardship in your life
and you never abused drugs or alcohol.
You can drink a glass of wine
and re-cork the bottle for another day.
You don't know why I can't do the same.
Your father died when you were five,
your mother when you were 11.
You were moved around a lot
and you triumphed in spite of everything.
You have a doctorate,
lots of framed qualifications.
You set up an international fund
to provide support for children
in times of crisis.
You used to play the piano,
but you haven't for years.
You think acting is a fun hobby
and isn't worthy of your child.
You've never approved
of a single boyfriend or career choice
and you've never said anything to stop me.
OK.
OK, right. I've just got home.
Right, yeah. OK.
LYDIA: Three, two, one...
Mum, Dad, this shouldn't take long.
I just wanted to talk you through
what's been happening for me,
to let you know where I'm at now
and to apologise for my behaviour.
I don't want to do it in that order.
Can I apologise first?
I know I've been a pretty terrible
daughter over the years.
I've been unhappy and self-destructive.
I've self-medicated with drugs
and alcohol
which has made me more insular
and self-absorbed
and I've made some terrible decisions
and I've taken you for granted.
I've stolen from you.
I've broken promises many, many times.
I've said things that I...
I've said things that I regret and...
Someone would've interrupted me by now!
LYDIA: To say what?
I don't know, to disagree with me,
or get defensive.
Don't pre-empt.
You may be surprised how people react
when you give them absolute honesty.
They might welcome it.
Yeah, I'd be really f*cking surprised.
I wasn't there for either of you
when Mark...
I wasn't there when Mark died.
I disappeared!
That must have put even more stress on you
and that was selfish and unthinking.
I'm not asking for forgiveness.
I'm acknowledging that I was wrong
and that I wish I could take it back,
and I miss him.
I know you do, too, and that over the
years I've scared you and disappointed...
f*cking hell, this is really hard.
[CRYING]
I want you to know that I've worked
really hard at getting well
and I'm starting to find peace.
And it's an on-going process
because I've scared myself
and I've disappointed myself.
The hardest part is taking myself
seriously enough to do it,
believing that my happiness
is worth fighting for my life.
And I'm doing it for you two
as much as anything, and for Mark.
I know that it should have been me,
not him.
Everyone's been waiting for it. It's not
fair and I can't forgive myself for it.
PAUL: It's not your fault.
Mark's death was not your fault.
It's not fair!
We love you. We always love you.
We'll do anything you need.
Thank you.
I mean, he'd never say that!
But thank you.
It's all right, darling.
[LAUGHS] He'd never say that either!
He'd say...
'Uh-huh. Well...' Like that.
Uh-huh. Well...
And what would your mother say?
Who the f*ck knows?
How do you feel?
Who are you being?
Me.
I feel like...
I feel like I spent my whole life
surrounded by people
trying to make me miserable.
And I'm slowly realising
that every last one of them
was probably just trying to help me.
They probably just loved me.
You're doing great, Sarah.
Thank you.
Thanks.
SARAH: 'At Quixotic, we don't believe
in boundaries or limitations.
'We believe in the pioneer.
'We believe, um... in the...'
We believe in the pioneer...
Yeah?
Visionary.
Visionary! Visionary! Visionary!
f*cking visionary!
'We believe in the pioneer.
We believe in the visionary.
'However impulsive or impractical,
we say yes!
'We say life is...'
For the living.
No, no, don't help me.
'We look at the world with joy, with love.
We look at the world with wonder.'
It's so totally meaningless, isn't it?
Not to me.
I'm a sucker for a vague slogan.
[LAUGHS]
Adverts, politicians, AA.
Wage a w*r on an abstract noun
and I'm right behind you.
And not to be all Dalai Lama
or John Lennon about it,
but that's what it's all about love.
Woah. Yeah.
It sounds dumb,
But it's true. You said it yourself.
The hardest thing is to love yourself,
to be kind to yourself after everything.
'Quixotic Limited!'
They're probably the only people
who'll hire me now.
You'd go back to doing corporates?
Why do you think I'm trying to learn it?
Have you got any cigarettes?
You can't smoke in here.
Yeah, right. Are you serious?
It's a medical building, so...
Of course.
You had it yet?
Had what?
Your spiritual awakening.
You can't leave without having a spiritual
awakening. It's like in the rules.
I don't think that's gonna happen for me.
Don't be so sure.
If God's gonna appear anywhere...
it'll be here.
[LAUGHS]
And he may be coming for someone else,
but I'll get in on it.
One day, I'll be mopping up
after a messy stomach pump
and there he'll be, smiling down.
He'll say, 'Well done! That's it!
'Go out into the world
and don't harm yourself or others.
'Go visit Sarah.
She's doing a play above a pub.'
[LAUGHING] God watches my plays!
He prefers the more fringy stuff.
I thought you were an atheist.
I'm open to possibilities.
I'd welcome f*cking Poseidon
if that's who shows up.
I already have my higher power,
and she very much exists.
Don't bank your recovery on other people.
Last time I spoke to her,
she was clearing out my flat.
She was putting everything bad
into a big plastic box.
All the bottles and bags of powder,
pots of pills,
my stash of weed,
all piled in this big box.
Sounds like a great box.
I can't stop thinking about it.
I've got nobody to do that for me.
That's wonderful.
She'd be the one getting the call,
wouldn't she? Police at the door, 3am.
That'd be my ex-wife.
Do they wake you up, do you think?
Or do they wait till the morning?
Did Foster have anyone?
Just his dog, I think. And us.
I just need to hear her say
she's proud of me.
I know you'll say that's stupid.
It is stupid.
Not even proud, then.
I want her to see that I've changed.
If I hear that from her, then I think
I'll be able to put all of this to an end.
I thought you didn't believe
in beginnings, middles or ends.
I'm realising my limitations.
I can't live another life but my own.
I'm relinquishing a certain agony
about all that. I've...
Surrendered.
No!
Maybe.
I don't know. No.
I had a realisation.
Paul said it once.
[MIMICS] This is all bullshit!
None of it's real.
When I'm on stage, I know I'm not
the person I'm pretending to be.
Everyone else knows that
yet somehow it doesn't matter.
We all just sort of decide that it's real.
It's the same with the programme.
With everything, really.
Language, politics, religion, money, law.
At some level,
we all know it's all bullshit.
It's a magical group delusion.
Right.
Yeah, no, you lost me.
Wile E Coyote only ever falls
when he looks down.
He runs off the cliff
and just keeps running in mid-air.
It's only when he looks down
and sees that he should be falling
that gravity kicks in.
And that is my spiritual awakening!
Don't look down!
Don't look down.
I'm not ready.
None of us are.
But you get to stay.
Maybe.
Funding's always a bit...
I hope he does show up tonight.
Who?
God.
Come on, then. Show yourself.
I'm ready if you are.
Oh, f*cking...
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
Here.
What's that?
Foucault.
I made a few corrections.
It's all very interesting but I'm not sure
if it's particularly applicable to life.
And I watched The Exorcist.
[MIMICS] 'Your mother sucks c*ck
in hell!'
What's this?
A letter from me saying
that, in my opinion,
you're not a risk to future employers.
Thank you.
What do I do now?
Go to meetings 90 meetings...
SARAH: ..in 90 days.
Yes, I know, I'll do that, I mean...
What am I supposed to do now with my life?
How do I get back to normal?
How do I ever get on a stage again
after this?
If I ever go to another audition
it'll be like climbing f*cking Everest.
Oh, um...
I thought I might train to be a therapist,
you know, like Lydia.
Then I thought, maybe I just want
to play the part of a therapist.
First day of rehearsal is always the same.
You sit in a big circle of chairs,
just like in Group.
You introduce yourselves one by one,
just like in Group.
'Hello, I'm whoever
and I'm playing the part of whatever.'
There's something about that situation
that I can't quite...
I can't separate the two circles
of chairs, you know what I mean?
Don't overthink it.
I want to continue to be honest.
Do I still look like your mother?
Happy graduation!
Thank you.
['Piece Of My Heart' playing]
[SMALL TALK UNDER MUSIC]
Come on, come one, come on
Take it...
Today, we say goodbye to someone
who has been a challenging,
inspiring, important member of the Group
Sarah!
[WHOOPING]
We're proud of you.
I'm proud of you,
of the work that you've done here.
I want you to be proud of that work, too,
and to understand
that it doesn't stop here,
but you only have to do...
ALL: ..one day at a time.
We wish you success, happiness and peace.
And please understand what I mean
when I say...
I hope I never see you again.
PAUL: Don't come back. Don't come back.
GROUP: [CHANTING] Don't come back!
Don't come back!
Don't come back!
Don't come back! Don't come back!
Don't look down.
This it?
Sorry?
This everything?
Yeah.
Travelling light.
Yeah.
Uh-huh. Well...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Would you get Mum?
Get her?
Yeah, would you bring her up here?
Now?
Uh-huh, OK.
Glad you're home.
[CLEARS THROAT]
'Why choose...?' OK.
'Why choose Quixotic?
'Why...?
'Why choose Quixotic?
'In a world that sets limits, that says
you shouldn't try, that you will fail,
'in a world that says no...'
She's just coming.
I can't believe
you kept all this stuff, Dad.
I probably won't have kids now.
Probably for the best.
With Mark gone,
that's the end of the line, isn't it?
That story's done.
You can finish your family tree!
The end of history.
Uh-huh.
sh*t, Dad, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that to sound like...
You wanted me?
Yeah. OK.
Er...
This shouldn't take long.
I just want to... I just wanted to talk...
Here it comes.
I just want the chance...
Don't say we didn't give you chances.
I'm not...
You go missing, you steal from us.
We thought you were dead.
Let her speak.
I will not be made the villain in this.
I know I've been a pretty terrible
daughter over the years...
Have we ever said that?
I have never said that!
Will you please? This is hard for...
I've been unhappy and self-destructive.
I have self-medicated with drugs
and alcohol
which has made me more insular
and self-absorbed.
I've made some terrible decisions
and I've taken you for granted.
I've said things that I regret
and that I wish I could take back.
I wasn't there for either of you when...
I wasn't there when Mark died.
I was wrong
and I wish I could take it back.
I want you to know that I've worked
really hard at getting well
and I'm starting to find peace
and it's an on-going process
because I've scared myself
and I've disappointed myself.
And I'm doing it for you two
as much as anything,
and for Mark, and I know it should
have been me, not him...
All right, enough. Look, whatever you're
into now, all of this is just words.
You're saying you'll be less selfish
then talking about yourself even more.
I can't listen to it.
The number of times we've tried
to help you, tried to save your life.
The energy it's taken,
the sleeplessness, the money.
Every time the phone rang or the doorbell
we thought it would be the police.
We neglected Mark. He should still
be here. You're right, it should be you.
It should be you that we buried.
At least we'd know
you were out of trouble.
We grieved for you long ago,
so, thank you for your little speech
but it doesn't mean anything.
We've heard it before.
Get a job. Keep the job.
Call us once in a while, just to chat.
Not to borrow money or to ask for help,
because you're interested in us.
Get out of yourself.
I'm sorry.
There's a lot been unsaid for a long time.
I love you, Dad. Thank you.
I love you too, darling.
It's just really hard.
I'm going to try and make it easier.
I've got...
I'm in the middle of something.
I'll order us a takeout later, yes?
Yeah.
Right, uh-huh, well...
He's right.
Yes, he is.
Are you staying the night?
I thought I'd stay for a while, actually.
It's your home.
I've worked really hard, Mum.
I've taken myself apart
and put myself back together.
If you could see what I've been through,
I think you'd be proud of me.
They, um...
They tell you, in rehab they say,
'Avoid people
that make you want to relapse,
'places you associate with using
and things that might be a trigger.'
People, places and things.
Which is, basically, you know, everything.
As long as you avoid people,
places and things you'll be fine.
Some people, some places are more
dangerous to be around than others.
And you want to hibernate here
until you feel safe to face them?
No, no that's not...
No.
This is the place, Mum.
This is the most dangerous place
I could be.
This town, this house.
All this stuff.
You.
You are the biggest threat
to me relapsing.
If I can be here with you, at a time
when I'm defenceless and vulnerable,
if I can get through that then I'll know,
definitively, I'll be OK for ever.
You want to say anything, Mum?
Dad obviously needed to.
I'm saying some pretty horrible things.
Why are you smiling?
Who are you being?
What?
I know you, sweetheart.
You think I can't see when you're lying?
I'm not lying.
That time I caught you smoking
and you sat right there and swore blind...
I was a kid! I was just a kid, Mum.
Tears rolling down your face.
And you only smoked
to pretend you were interesting.
Because, unlike Mark,
you never had a personality of your own.
Don't say that.
You think you're this chameleon,
living hundreds of lives,
but you're always just you.
Full of certainty
when you discover something
but you never see it through
and this will be no different.
That's not true.
We've still got your violin somewhere.
I can't believe
you'd hold that against me.
Insisted on having a good one,
then quit lessons within half a year.
Tennis gear the same. Pets.
You moved school three times,
quit university four times.
Evening classes, fad diets,
exercise crazes.
Just once, I would like
to see you graduate.
I did.
You'll just have to excuse us...
Excuse you!
..if we see this latest lifestyle decision
within the context
of a thousand abandoned projects.
It doesn't suit you, darling.
The self-righteous, pleasure-denying role.
It's boring!
If you want honesty real, no bullshit,
gloves-off truthfulness, sweetheart
drink and drugs were the only things
that made you any fun.
And now you want closure or whatever
they call it in this new cult of yours.
You want to say sorry
and for that to heal wounds
and make us a happy-clappy family
and that just isn't going to happen.
The family is broken for ever.
I'm trying my best, Mum.
OK, good.
Just don't expect a f*cking trophy
for trying your best.
That's the bare minimum
you should be doing.
Approaching 40
and back living with your parents.
I'm not approaching 40.
Sweetheart, the one person
you can't fool about your age
is the person whose body you came out of.
I changed the bedding.
Thanks.
The towels are in the...
Yeah.
I brought those things from your flat.
What things?
I picked up the things you asked me to,
boxed it all up, brought it here.
It's here? Where?
It's under the bed.
[BOTTLES RATTLE]
sh*t!
Look what you were doing to yourself.
Why would you bring that here?
What was I supposed to do?
Every time I've tried to intervene
you've punished me.
You broke my fingers
when I flushed those pills away.
I broke your fingers?
Why do you think
I don't play piano the any more?
Mum...
You want to get rid of this stuff,
go ahead.
[SOBBING]
If you want to use it, take it and go.
Don't come back to us if you do.
We've had too much, Rachel!
It's a new Chinese takeaway
that's opened on the corner.
He's been waiting
for a reason to try it out.
Mum, please don't leave me on my own...
Oh, God.
Um, hello. Hi. I got your number from...
Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
Yeah, um... I was hoping there might be
a meeting this evening that I...
Yeah. Yes, I've got a pen.
Yeah.
OK, great. Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, see you then, thanks, bye.
'Why choose Quixotic?
'In a world that sets limits,
that says you shouldn't try,
'that you will fail,
in a world that says no, we say yes.'
'We say yes...'
'We don't believe in no...'
No, no, no, no.
'Why choose Quixotic?'
Why, why, why, why, why?
'In a world that sets limits, that says
you shouldn't try, that you'll fail,
'in a world that says no, we say yes.
We don't believe in no.
'We don't believe in boundaries
or limitations.
'We believe in the pioneer.
We believe in... the visionary.
'However impulsive or impractical,
we say yes.
'We say life is for the living.
'We look at the world with joy, with love.
'We look at the world with wonder.
'Why bring the past into the present?
'We stand resolutely in the present,
'arms wide, looking toward the future.
'I am now.
'You are now.
'We are now.
'What a thing it is to be alive!
'What a thing it is to swim in the sea,
'to look up at the clear, wide sky,
to feel the sun on your skin,
'to climb a mountain
or just a flight of stairs.
'To eat a doughnut.
'To love and be loved.
'What a thing it is.
'I am now.
'You are now.
'We are now.
'This is the beginning!'
Was that OK?
I can go again on that if you'd like.
I can probably do that better.
Hello?
[MIC RATTLES]
Thank you.
Right.
Oh, OK. Right.
Thank you for seeing me.
Why...?
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
(HUGE CHEER, WHISTLES)
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
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National Theatre Live: People, Places and Things (2024)
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