01x08 - Poopchute

[bunniefuu]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS TWEETING]

JAMES: Hello.

These days,
I spend more and more time
in my Wiltshire home

and the pub I own,

thinking about
all the big problems in the world

and some smaller ones that annoy me.

Luckily, there's a place I can go
to solve them all,

or at least try.

My shed.

Right.

It's here that I have the tools...

Let's just saw some wood up.

...the tea... Mmm.

...and a couple of other
highly competent blokes...

- Very good.
- Brace yourself.

...who've agreed to help me
rid the world of problems...
Is she getting a ticket out?

...great...
Dirty fly tippers.

...and small.

The cereal has gone soggy.

I'll also have to take on
other people's problems.

What is wrong with Peter?
He used to make a sound,
and now he doesn't.

By which I mean the locals at my pub
who are always bringing me
stuff to mend.

[GASPS] Is it a train set?

So, join us
and our excitable crew...

[LAUGHTER]
...who will capture
our endeavours...

That was epic.

...as we create...
[EXCLAIMING]

...make...
That feels like a terrible thing
we've just done.

...repair...
So, it's never worked?
Not in my lifetime. [LAUGHS]

...and repurpose...
[GASPS]

[SCREAMS LOUDLY]
Wow!

...in my shedload of ideas.
[LAUGHTER]

What do you think?
This is just brilliant.

JAMES: When I'm not in my workshop
solving big problems,

I like to get outdoors

to enjoy Wilshire's
outstanding natural beauty.

It's no wonder people often
bring their hairy chums to visit.

And, of course,
all dogs are welcome,

except that one.
[DOG YAPS]

But unfortunately, this can leave us
with a, well, a big job.

Now, here is a sign
that really shouldn't be necessary.

It's in the notice board
in the village.

"Please clean up after your dog."

That is taking up space
that could be advertising
violin lessons

or the local masseurs
or something like that.

Now, most dog owners
are very responsible,

we understand that.

Dogs themselves are not to blame.

They are merely animals,
and the animals are innocent.

But it is a fact that
there are some people

who don't clean up after their dogs.

Here, for example,
we have some pretend dog poo.

We've made them out of
a child's mouldable art material.

If these were real dog poos,
the dogs would have
very odd diets, indeed.

One of the problems with dog poo

is that you have to
bend down to pick it up.
You have one of these little bags.

This is a dog poo bag.
It's pretty undignified, really.

You put your hand in it,
you pick up the jobby,

and then you turn it inside out
and you supposedly
put it in the dog poo bin.

What we need is some sort of device,

especially for those
who don't have a dog
but who are offended by dog poo,

that allows you to pick it up
without bending down
and hurting your back,

doesn't require you to have
the silly little black plastic bag,

and then allows you to quickly,
painlessly and cleanly

deposit it in the dog poo bin.

That's what we're going to invent.

And that means, as usual,
society will be saved by us.

JAMES: 47% percent of Brits
think dog fouling

is one of the most annoying things
that they experience in open spaces,

worse than litter, pollution,
traffic and smoking.

So, like all problems
of this magnitude,

it's best solved in the shed,

with a little help
from creative engineer Simmy...

- Oh, we are so good.
- Right.

...my trusty carpenter,
Tony the Tool... Gotcha!

...and, of course,
capturing all the action
are hard working

high spirited crew.
Come on, James.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

So, Simmy believes he's come up with
an elegant solution,

an engineering solution,
to the knotty problem

of collecting dog faeces.
What is it, Simmy?

I think this
is absolutely brilliant,
and it's never been done before.

But I think,
if we put a little piece of wire
across there like that,

and a little piece of wire
across there like that,

I'll tape it on so I can show you,

and then we put it on some dog muck
and push down,

it will go into the tube
because you're putting
pressure on it,

but when you lift it up,
- it will stay inside.
- TONY: Yeah.

And you can go around
and you can pick up

as many dog poos as you like,
and they'll all end up in here.

This presumably is for people
who are annoyed by it

to go around and collect it...

Yes....because other people
have been socially irresponsible...

Or people who...
...and left big dog jobbies
on the pavement.

Or people who just genuinely
don't like picking up a warm...

Which I would imagine
- - is most people.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

If you make a little notch,
I'll get two pieces of nylon.

You only need the tiniest nick,
- don't you?
- Yeah, a tiny nick,

'cause this is
...4 of a millimetre filament.

Do you know what
the breaking strain of this is?
A whale.

- 20 pounds.
- It's actually 17 kilos.

So, unless we find a Great Dane,
it's gonna do the job.

You need this very simple mesh...
Yeah.

...to be under considerable tension.

JAMES: Obviously, we couldn't use
actual dog poo to test our device.

That would be disgusting.

SIM: That's an unwell dog.

Someone's allowed their dog
to foul the pavement.

I like the dangly bits. [LAUGHING]
It wouldn't be authentic
without them.

Yeah, come on, you've gotta
collect all of that poo.

It's working a treat.
There, you see.

Okay, it's gonna get a bit messy.
Just a bit. [CHUCKLES]

You can see it in the tube.
It's not gonna be...

Well, actually,
that is a good objection.

It's going to be revolting.

But to be honest,
that's a lot better

than having a load of muck
all over your garden or wherever.

What are you going to do
when it's full?

Well, you know you like syringes?
Yeah.

It comes out
the same way it goes in.
So, effectively, a plunger.

A plunger in there, and it goes...
[MIMICS WHOOSHING NOISE]
...in one big bag.

It's a real problem,
and it does need to be addressed.

Hey, Simmy, I think
you might be onto something.
[TONY CHUCKLING]

But let's move to the big workshop

and make a marketable
version of that.

JAMES: But before we push on
with our prototype,

we have an appointment with God.

Well, a woman called Lesley,
who's heard about
our repair services

but couldn't bring
what she needs fixing to the pub.

JAMES: Lesley. Hello.
LESLEY: It's so nice to see you.

JAMES: So, it's a field trip
to the local church for us.

The notice board.
That's the first thing that
anybody sees, and look at it.

JAMES: What...
There doesn't appear to be
anything wrong with it, though.

First of all, it's extremely
tatty and smeared,

and the information is out of date.

What's underneath
all that sticky tape?

Services and the vicar.

- And they're wrong?
- Yes.

Can we peel it off and have a look?
Let's look. Yes, let's do that.
[CHUCKLES]

No bishops have been revealed yet.
Oh, there's some black paint
over it. Whoops.

[TONY GROANS]
Oh, that's a good bit.

As you see,
it just needs to be revived.

The frame is very brittle.

It's starting to flake.

Well, let me just confer
with my fellow men.

Woodwork, we can do.
There's a bit of woodwork
involved here.

There's a bit of painting.

But there is some quite
intricate sign writing,
- which I have never done.
- Yeah.

That makes two of us. Three of us.
- Three of us.
- TONY: Mmm.

May we take the sign off... Yes.
...take it away... Yes.

I mean, we'll need to
measure this precisely
to make it like for, like.

It's a lot less accessible
than I thought.

Simmy and Tony,
do you have any screwdrivers?

They're very rusty.
They're either Phillips or Pozidriv.

I think they are Phillips,
and there are six of them.

When is it going to be finished?

Well, before you get
your new priest, I think.

But what about the bishop
at the end of July?

The bishop?
Is there a bishop coming?

As I said,
we've got to get it changed.

Be careful not to drop it
because it's from the 13th century.
[CHUCKLING]

Richard the Lionheart
looked at this and thought,

"That's tatty. They should
do something about that".

- - I think that's it.
- TONY: Yep.
- Oh.

- Yes, it's off.
- Ta-da!

For the first time since 1260.
[LAUGHTER]

Could you furnish us
with the correct wording...

Yes....and spellings
as soon as possible.

I mean, I know how to
- spell Salisbury.
- Yes. Yes.

And should it be St. James's Ansty?
Well, it should, shouldn't it?

It should, as I'm called James,
and I know this,

it should be James apostrophe s...
- Apostrophe s.
- Yes.

Because it's got to be
all of James... Yes. Apostrophe.

- Apostrophe.
- S because it's his.
No S.

Can I put it back on the post
whilst you decide? It's heavy.
No, not yet. Sorry.

[LESLEY LAUGHS]
But it could be
St. James comma Ansty.

If you really insist,
I think you can do that, yes.

Otherwise it looks like
there was a saint
called St. James Ansty,

- which I don't believe there was.
- No.

Shall we keep talking
so Tony has to keep
- holding the sign?
- He's doing well.

We're going to take that
away for you

and we are going to
reproduce it in such a way
that you wouldn't notice,

apart from that
the words are all different.

All right, leave that with us
and we will be

rewarded in heaven.

- I hope so.
- So do I.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Lovely to see you.
- Yes.

Um, see you very soon.

Thank you.
Right, come on, Tony. [LAUGHS]

Even though repairing this sign
will require skills
absent from our toolbox,

as God is my witness,

we will prevail.

JAMES: You rejoin three wise-ish men

heading to my Wiltshire workshop
on a holy mission.

We are now ready to make
our contribution

to the restoration
of St. James's Church in Ansty.

If you remember
from earlier on in the show,

they needed us to restore the sign.

But actually,
things have moved on since then.

The debate has gone
all the way up
to the Salisbury Diocese.

It's gone almost as far
as the immortal invisible himself.

They now want us to replace it.

But it must be like for like,

and it must have new wording

because that is out of date.

We are doing this
in the eyes of God.

But more importantly,
in the eyes of Lesley,
who's quite fussy.

JAMES: Tony has an idea
of what needs to be done.

It's all built around this board
with the type on.

So, we need to cut that
really accurately,

and then we fine tune
the frame around it.

JAMES: So, we need to start
from scratch.

JAMES: Measure twice cut once.

[SAW WHIRRING]

JAMES: Tony cuts out
the pointed shape from plywood
to create the body of the sign.

- Beautiful.
- There we go.

Our oak, Mr Oakley.
Hey.

[SAW WHIRRING]
JAMES: And then he cuts the oak
into shorter planks for the frame.

Right, these are ready
for you to do dados.

Phwoar! Are we gonna do it
- on the router table?
- Yep.

JAMES: Our dado joint is made
by cutting a small groove
into the wood.

What depth are you going?
- 10 mil?
- TONY: 10 mil, yeah.

[WHIRRING]

JAMES: This U-shaped groove
has to be cut very precisely

so that the frames will slot
neatly onto our plywood sign.

Okay. Get mitring.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Then we mitre 45-degree edges
onto the wood.

And these slanted edges
will form a neat joint at the top

and give the frame
its pointed shape.

Do you wanna
say a little prayer first?

Ah! A bit of tape around the apex,

but what we have to do next
is produce the lettering.

JAMES: Despite the vast depth
of our combined knowledge,

sign writing isn't something
any of us has mastered.

So this part of the process
may be a leap of faith.

JAMES: If you look at
the original sign,

it is what typesetters would call
gold out of black,

and it is that, quite literally,
because we have the new wording,

vinyl cut and self-adhesive,

and it's on the fronting sheet.
It's on the front of the lettering.

We paint all of this gold
with the gold paint,

then we lay the lettering on,

remove the fronting sheet,

paint the whole thing black,

and then carefully
peel the letters off
to reveal the gold.

SIM: Shall we try it?
JAMES: Yeah.

I think it'll need two coats.
It will. We'll give it a rub down.

So, you've got
two choices here, viewers.

We can all sit together
and enjoy watching the paint dry,

or we can possibly have
a little bit of montaging,

then a jump ahead
to the exciting moment where
we're putting the lettering on.

JAMES: The tension in the room
is palpable.

All we have is this black infinity

with words hiding in it somewhere.

So, we peel off the vinyl letters

and we should reveal
the gold paint underneath.

Letters pray. [LAUGHS]

I'm not trying
to jinx this or anything,
but the black paint

could come off with the vinyl,

the gold paint could come off
stuck to the bottom of the vinyl,

I could slip with the scalpel...
[TONY LAUGHS]

I don't wanna do it.
Come on! The suspense!

Quiet, please. There.

The gold looks
strangely inconsistent.

If you get it in the light... Yeah.
TONY: Yeah.

...it's partly glossed
and partly not.

It's really not very
crisply defined.

There's bits of bleed,
bits of gold have come off.

I think it looks great.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

You know what is different
about this?

This is not a prototype.

Yeah. This is a permanent fixture.

Because we know
we can touch bits up.

If everything needs touching up,
then I say start again.

I think we didn't let the gold dry
- for quite long enough.
- No.

All the gold's coming off
on this letter.

- - Oh, that's it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

That is NBG.

- No bloody good.
- Yeah.

We rushed it.

Should have given it at least


Leave it, Tony.
Walk away from the sign.

[PAINED LAUGHING]

We're going to have to start again.

This is worth
starting again, though.

JAMES: Yes, we're disappointed,
but we will not be defeated.

So, we'll make it better.
Yeah, we can do it.

JAMES: As the Bible might say,

"Blessed are the sign writers,
for they shall see signs".

And besides,
we can't let Lesley down.

So, we pick our egos
up off the floor and start again.

[SAW WHIRRING]

Tony re-cuts the sign,
and we paint the background gold.

We let it dry fully this time

before applying another sheet
of laser-cut lettering.

Then all we need to do
is paint the top layer black.

Tony is in charge of painting.

Why is Tony in charge of painting?

Because we don't want to do it.
It's that simple.

[CREW SPEAKING]

Well, it's expected.

It's standard practise
with these two.

JAMES: While we wait
for the paint to dry,
I reluctantly agree to play

a tool-related version
of my favourite game, charades.

They each have to act out
a tool from this workshop,

and I have to guess what it is,
and you can't...

Do I understand this correctly?
You don't act the use of the tool...

You are the tool.
- You are the tool.
- Yeah.

- Right, I'll go first.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Yeah.

Okay, I've got it. I mean,
- no, I haven't got it.
- Oh!

It goes round and round
- when you wind a handle.
- Mmm.

Is it the rotary table
from my milling machine?
Oh, no.

It's in this room.
That bit was a big clue.

That bit was that bit.

- Is it the hand drill?
- Yeah.

What's that sticky-out bit?
That's the handle. Look--

The handle doesn't go
round and round
with the drill.

No, I know, but...
The handle stays stationary.
I know, but,

I can't actually do that
and stay still

and turn at the same time.
[CHUCKLING]

I've got a better one.
Okay, Tony, your tool.

Rabbit.

[LAUGHTER]

Router bit.

Well, router table. Yeah.
Router table, okay.
[TONY LAUGHING]

[ALL CLAPPING]
Which colour?

Anybody else gonna have a go?
CREW: Yes.

Right, take the centre of the stage.

[LAUGHTER]

Is it the ultrasonic cleaner?
[CLAPS] Yes!
[ALL APPLAUDING]

I'm the thing, the box
that you've gotta put it into.

[LAUGHTER]

Okay. Somebody else?
Anybody else want a go?
Ethan. Yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

TONY: It's a magic trick.
Squeezy clamp.

G clamp.
- ETHAN: Well, yeah.
- Yeah.

I was the G. I was the G
and I was coming...

Oh, I see. Well done.

[ALL APPLAUDING]
CREW: I've got one.
SIM: Come on, then.

Look how excited she is.
Do you like charades?
Look how excited she is.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCUFFLING]

[LAUGHTER]

- Are you a tape measure?
- No!

So, a part of it extends
and then goes down,

but the tool doesn't actually bend,
but you bend because you're human.
Yes.

Have you two got any idea?
[CHUCKLES] No clue.

Literally, no clue.

- Okay, say it.
- Stanley knife.

[LAUGHTER]
CREW: What?

- So, that's the blade extending?
- Yes.

But it went forwards as well.
And then...

No, that was me trying to do it
from a different angle so you could
see it from the other way.

Do you feel like
you should have got that?

Because you feel a bit
- - like that, don't you?
- No.
- No.
[SHE CHUCKLES]

I'm sitting here feeling grateful
I don't have to spend
Christmas with you.

[LAUGHTER]

There's a lot of charades.

JAMES: Game over, thankfully,
and paint dry,

it's time to see if
our church sign mark two
has worked.

- Looks good.
- That bit's good.

SIM: That looks brilliant.

That's very satisfying.

Hey!
[ALL APPLAUDING]

JAMES: Success at last.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

All that's left to do
is finish off
the wooden frame...

[BANGING]

...neaten a few edges...

I'm just making sure
the corner of this,

the inner edge,
is absolutely square

with no fluff in it.

...and package it all up
to send to some professional
sign makers

for quality control
and weather proofing.

Then we can return it to Lesley

and the other St. James.

JAMES: You join us in the beautiful
countryside of Wiltshire,

ready to tackle the enormous problem

of uncollected dog poo.

Having established the design
of what we're calling
The Poop Chute,

with our proof of concept model...

I like the dangly bits. [LAUGHING]

...we now need to scale up
our prototype,

ready for use in the wild.

JAMES: The Poop Chute
has to be usable
from a standing position.

So, it's the same sort of tube.
We're going to make
a longer version.

We're going to make
a more secure mesh on the end,

and we're going to make a piston
that slides inside it

so that when it's
full of dog's eggs,

you go to the poo bin,
or whatever they have in the park,

you simply press the plunger,
out it comes, back to the beginning.

We're going to have to do
some machining of plastics,

which is not something
I'm very familiar with.
We've got a variety here.

We think this one will make

a series of collars
around the outside of the tube,
which will have two functions.

One is to strengthen it.
The other is to act as clamps
for the wire mesh.

And then this one, which I think
is a nylon of some sort,

will be used to make the piston
that slides inside.

And then we have
- another bit.
- SIM: PVC.PVC.

And I think these should
machine okay on the lathe
as if they were metals,

but to be honest, I don't know,
so let's find out.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]
Noisy motor.
Very noisy motor.

JAMES: We start off by making
the rings that go around the outside
of The Poop Chute.

- I've removed a tiny bit.
- Okay.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

Ta-da!
I would finish that by hand.

- Would you?
- Yeah.
Go on, then.

Are you a dog person?
I don't have a dog.

I did have a cat.
I'm afraid he died a bit back.

- Aw.
- Well, a month or so ago.

You've got a cat and dog,
haven't you?
I've got two cats, one dog.

There you go.
So you like cats and dogs.

It's allowed to like cats and dogs.

It's allowed to like beer and wine.

The thing about cats,
you don't have to
clear up their mess.

No, you don't.

Somebody else has to. [LAUGHING]

When I was very small,
we had a yellow Labrador

that I used to sit on
because it was big.

It loved me, that dog.
[SIM CHUCKLING]

I used to sit on him
and he'd give me
rides around the kitchen.

I used to sleep with him
in his basket.

My mum used to find me
asleep with the dog.

He was great.

JAMES: Next, Tony and I
begin work on the piston

that will plunge the poop
out of the chute.

JAMES: So, I'm going to make it
that big.

Might have to finish that off
with a hacksaw.

I'm gonna hold the hacksaw
whilst it spins,
and it's gonna finish...

- No, not while it spins.
- Oh.

There you go. Thank you.

- SIM: You done it?
- Aye.

JAMES: Sim and Tony move on to
fitting the piston to the rod.

We have ourselves
a fully-fledged plunger.

That is beautiful.

[WHIRRING]

JAMES: Finally,
they fashion a handle,
and that's a...

Job well done.
Job well done, mate.

JAMES: And our Poop Chute
is ready for action.

[CREW SHRIEKS]
[CLATTERING]

CREW: Oh, it's broken.
[BLEEP]
Sim.

JAMES: Well, almost.

It's cracked there as well.
JAMES: Both ends have...
[BLEEP]

Did it, by any chance,
roll off the bench
- and onto the floor?
- It did.

It's funny that.
Circular things do that...
They do....quite a lot.

JAMES: While Sim clears up
the mess he's made...
I'll take the blame.

...I head to the pub
to meet executive producer Will,

who thinks he's spotted a problem
with the simple art of conversation,

and he's had an idea
of how to fix it.

I think it's nonsense, but anyway,
I'll allow Will to explain

what it is he thinks.

The idea is simple.
It is to equalise a conversation.

So, if the two of us
are having a conversation,

we should have equal time
for that whole conversation,

so neither of us dominates,

but also neither of us
can just be a passenger
in that conversation.

So, when you have
speed chess games,

you have a clock, and you have
the same amount of time,

you press the clock
the other person has a go.

I'm suggesting we do that
for conversation.

Shall we try it?
We haven't got a chess clock.

You've got games cupboard
in the pub.

Do we have a chess clock?
- Oh, there's an arm.
- Right.

So, three minutes each.

I'm going to start.
Are you ready?

One of the worst ideas
you've ever had, Will.

So, I talk now.
You can either interject
and press the thing,

or if I feel that
you're wandering off and
not really listening to me,

I will press my clock,
and then you will have to talk,
to what I'm gonna do.

So you're forcing me to talk,
even though I was quite interested
to see what you said next.

You notice I didn't say anything
whilst you were talking.

I didn't interject,
which I normally do.

So, already, we're having
a civilised conversation.

The tyranny of the chess clock
does not make this
particularly civilised

because you've decided
that you've finished talking
and I may have nothing to say.

What if I just wanted to say,
"Yes, Will"?

This is the natural rhythm
of our conversations.

I'm talking more
and you're talking less.

However, by pressing this,
you'll have to talk.
I will. Yes.

You're trying to get me
to use up my time,
and I will not fall for it.

You've rumbled me.

This is interesting.
You are making conversation
a tactical game.

No, I'm just trying to get you
to the end of your time
so you shut up.

[CHUCKLING]

There should be an extra rule
which is you have to speak
for five seconds minimum

before you press the clock.

In what way would this conversation
not have worked without the clock?

You can't interrupt.
I haven't finished.

[LAUGHTER]
There you go.

Because only one of us
can speak at a time, and it's great.

So, I get to say
what I wanted to say,

and now I'll hand over to you
for you to have your say.

So, you're saying,
in the whole history
of human interaction,

going all the way back,
we can go to the Egyptians,
the Babylonians,

they've been talking over each other
because nobody's had a chess clock?
I don't believe that.

You can't interrupt if I've--
You can't talk.

I pressed the thing.
We're on my time.

I can interrupt, and I have
I've got 10 seconds.
There's... Okay. Oh, no.

I'm gonna finish
by saying this has been
a wonderful conversation,

I'm gonna leave you
with your 21 seconds,

and thank you so much
for listening to me.

I can honestly say that,
and the bar is very low,

that's one of
the worst conversations
I've ever had with you.

[BEEPING]

So, you won the conversation.

You don't win conversations.
[CREW SPEAKING]

[LAUGHTER]

Apparently, the verdict is in.

There were no winners
in this conversation.

Do you think there is some merit
in the conversational clock?

No.

JAMES: And from the ridiculous
to the sublime,

as we accompany
our new and improved church sign

on its final pilgrimage
back to the parish.

This sign has been a great travail,

and we thought
it would be straightforward,

a bit of wood work,
a bit of sign writing.

The trouble is,
everything else we make on this show
is a prototype.

This is permanent.

This could be here
for hundreds of years,

long after we've gone.

And it's in my neighbourhood,

so people will hold me responsible,

God will hold me responsible.

It's all right for Tony. He'll have
buggered off to Liverpool.
Anyway, he's a Sikh.

[LAUGHTER]

JAMES: We do not serve God
as labourers
in expectation of our wages.

However, we do serve Lesley.

Are you ready?

[GASPS] That's fantastic!

It really is absolutely brilliant.

Thank you. [GASPS]
That's absolutely marvellous.

Have little haloes appeared
over our heads?
LESLEY: Oh, indeed.

They will.
Radiant nimbus.

That is really, really outstanding.

Oh, gosh.
You have control.

I have. Thank you. Thank you.

We were worried you'd think
it was too shiny and contemporary.

You know, the church in the 21st
century and all that, isn't it?
Exactly.

And waterproof.

It's never going to flake off or...
It really...

is an absolutely superb job.
Thank you so much.

So it was worth all the hassle,
wasn't it, folks?

My goodness.
Yes.

Yes, wasn't it, men?

SIM: Yes, wasn't it?
We had a few mishaps.

Talk about learning. My goodness.
Well, haven't you learnt something
by doing that then?

When you do another one?
Oh, yes.

They'll be knocking on your door
and saying,

"We've seen the one at Ansty,
we think it's absolutely fantastic.
We'd like one."

If you're part of a diocese and
you've just heard that, don't.

Are you happy with it?

I am very, very happy with it

and I know that the bishop
will be very happy with it too.

A fine sign for a church in
the 21st century.

It's exactly, exactly...

what we had in mind.
Thank you so much

NARRATOR: The church sign repair
was certainly a test of faith

but through perseverance
came enlightenment.

And lo and behold,
another satisfied customer.

Perhaps our most important one yet.

NARRATOR: Everything we do in
the shed of ideas

is carefully considered to improve
and simplify day to day life.

So we thought we'd combine
two of the most

dreary domestic chores into

one glorious,
energy efficient catch all solution.

What can this be, I hear you cry?

Cooking in the washing machine.

Since a white wash last for
something like two and a half
hours and runs at over 90 degrees,

why not use that energy and
that time to cook

daal with a chicken curry

and some basmati rice?

In the spirit of full disclosure,

we've attempted this cleaning
cooking power share once before

when we had a whirl at
a beef madras.

SIM: Ooh, that's definitely...
Oh, God. That one's gonna part.

That is definitely...
There's no lid on that.

Oh, God.

The results were disappointing.

So it's the exact opposite of what
we wanted to achieve,

which was to do laundry and
cook at the same time.

What we've actually achieved

is to ruin clothes with food.

Oh, dear.

And the culprits we think were
the paint tins we put the curry in,

which were not secured sufficiently.

However, we don't like
to be defeated.

Failure is not really an option on
this show, so we're gonna have
another go.

And I was quite keen on
the idea of using the

new paint tins like before but
putting the little clips on the lid

so they wouldn't burst open. But...

I'm afraid Simmy has gone
a bit nuclear on this one

and he's actually welded together

some stainless steel tubing

with a lid on one end and
we're going to fill them with
the ingredients and then,

and this doesn't happen
on other cooking shows,

he's going to weld the lids on.
[LAUGHS]

Tony, you're not saying very much.
No, I'm not saying very much.

There are three things
you have to consider.

The authenticity of the curry.
Hmm-mm.

The survivability of
the washing machine.
Hmm-mm.

And the...
Survivability of us when we eat it.

Yes. Yes. I was trying to find
a delicate way of saying that.

But, yes, it's exactly that.

With the zest
of gastronomic adventure,

we fill the three containers.

One with daal...

Just chuck a couple of chillies in.

One with rice...

and one with chicken curry.

Somebody might think we have
pre-cooked that chicken,

So I think we need to cut a piece
in half to show how pink it is.

That is definitely raw.
Yeah.

Beautiful.
Now, Simmy,

will go and weld the lids on.

Determined to avoid a repeat
of the Great Curry Escape...

Sim is taking no chances.

Here we go, chaps.

One thing we can be fairly sure
of is that

they're not going to leak.

But will they cook?

We're genuinely excited about this.
We want this to work,

just so we can say, yeah,
I once made a chicken curry
in a washing machine.

This is a white wash. This is
a genuine white wash. It's...

It's things belonging to the crew
that have been soiled in
some way or another.

Um, for example,
Lucy's swimming shorts.

Uh, no thanks.

[LAUGHS]

Now we've aired
the crew's dirty laundry,

we wrap our curry containers
in towels

to prevent them from destroying
the washing machine

once its on its spin cycle.

One of the nicest noises
in the world.

Okay. In it goes.

Okay.

White. There it is.

SIM: 90.


Spin. Do you want full spin?
- Yeah, go on.
- Full spin.

Ooh, there it goes.
It's going.

And there's water present.

The dangers are that
it won't cook properly

or that the eccentric weight,

which are the pots of food,

destroy the washing machine.
We don't know.

It's going.
Let's go and build things.

When I say build,

I mean test something
we've already made.

As we head out to take on the blight
that is dog doodoo with our...

Poop sh**t.

This nation and other nations
beside are groaning

under the weight
of uncollected dog dooda.

And we are here to put
an end to that.

The Poop sh**t will only be

clean and virginal once in its life

and that moment is now.

The one slight flaw in our design...

I can stop talking in that voice.

The one slight flaw
in our design is that

we haven't come up with a locking
mechanism for the plunger

because really you ought to
be able to lock it up there

until you're ready to deposit all
the dog poo in the dog poo bin.
Yeah.

I shall get around that
by holding it thusly.

I'm doing it again, aren't I?

For demonstration purposes,

the crew have strategically
colourful replicas on the ground
for the sh**t to find.

It's a dirty job but
somebody's got to do it.

Right. I'm going to approach...

the purple Mr Whippy of dog old...

See if it works.

Here we go.

Ooh, I nearly missed.

Yes. I'll pick up another one.
Yeah.

The bright turquoise.
Is that what that is?

It's working.

The strong wire mesh pushes down
on the poo, collects it up

and the continuous pressure sends it
sliding up The Poop sh**t.

And remember, no bending,
no stooping,

no silly little plastic bags,
no sense that the...

heat generated by
the digestive system

and the alimentary canal of a dog

is right on your hands.
TONY: That's a winner.

And everyone's is impressed.

Well, almost everyone.

Keep going because
I think we're doing a fantastic job.

You can see the play-doh poo go up
inside the tube as Tony does that, look.

It's advancing up the tube

exactly as planned.

Of course in the marketable version,

the tube would be opaque so as not
to display the dog poo which,
let's face it,

is nowhere near as pretty
as play-doh.

That's lovely.

It's rather beautiful.

It is rather nice.
Yeah, that's nice.
That's almost like a lava lamp.

Isn't that... that wasp thinks this
is dog poo. Doesn't realise
they're pretend ones.

It's completely fooled.
But basically it works.

Look at the amount that's gone up
in there. It's all compacted.

We've done this whilst
remaining full erect.

So there's no backache or anything.

Stop sniggering at the back.

Nobody really wants to go out and
clear up other people's dog poo.
But if you could do it like this,

you'd be slightly more inclined,
wouldn't you?

Yeah.
While we've collected
dog poo successfully

but the real test is can we get it
out again? That's where
the plunger comes in.

If we hold it, do you wanna push it?

One small push for a man.
Gently.

Jeez.
One giant leap
for man's best friend.

Go on. That's it.
Yes

Oh. Snapped a string.

You snapped a string but
it doesn't matter because
- the string is a consumable.
- Yep.

Well, that is very satisfying.
A very well cut plunger, Tony.

That's completely
cleaned out the inside.
- Yes.
- Thank you.

I think that's a great invention.
- It is.
- Yeah.

It's better than that.
It's brilliant.

That will be patented soon

and everybody will have one.

And you saw it here first.

And in the time it took
to clean up the countryside,

one full washing machine cycle,
to be precise,

have we managed
to reverse past failures

and wash our whites while cooking
a delicious curry?

Are you ready?
- Yep.
- Yep.

It's all cold.
What do you mean it's cold?

It's done a cold rinse.

At least they've stayed intact.

That's white.
That is definitely white.

There's no bits of chicken anywhere.
Come on, snip them open.

Right, something else you don't see
on other cooking shows

is a pipe cutter on the table

because they don't have much use
in cooking generally, but here...

the pipe cutter is essential.

The suspense is...
Hurry up, Sim.

Come on.
It's quite thick.

But the important thing is,
is it cooked?

[GASPS]

Look at that.

Is that the daal?

Well, it sort of looks right.
It's just...

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
How cooked is it?

I mean, it won't hurt you.

Can you have al dente daal?

Nice try, Tony.
But the daal is an L.

Oh, God.

Time to see if the rice is cooked.

I hope that's rice.

That's raw.

You don't need to try that, Simmy.

Okay. Very good.
Right.

Right, it's not over yet.

Well...
Our signature dish
is still to arrive.

Now come on, Simmy.
I can't stand the suspense anymore.

We need a drumroll.
Are we ready?

Yes. I'm so ready.

Your curry, sir.
Thank you.

Shall I decant?

Oh, hang on.

That looks a bit like a korma.

Right, this is, this is
the bit that really matters.

I'm going to cut into
that large piece.

Yeah. It does smell it.

Can you smell the chilli?
It smells nice.
It smells like curry. Come on.

That's cooked.
[GASPS]

That's so cooked.
That is cooked.

[CLAPPING]

It's cooked but is it edible?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.
On three. One. Two. Three.

It's not bad.
[CHUCKLING]

That's blinking excellent.

That's good.

That was good.
That's nice.

That was warm.

[LAUGHING]

That is a total success.

If you-- if you...
[LAUGHS]

The other thing you need to eat
with it. Not anything else.

Failed.

There's no denying that but
the chicken curry doesn't need

to be at boiling point and
therefore it's cooked.

This...

is a perfectly...

usable chicken curry and actually
a rather tasty one

that has been cooked in
a washing machine

whilst the whites are done.

That's what's happened.

There you have it then. One third...

of an energy efficient
white wash curry.

What's the right name for
a chicken curry cooked
in the washing machine?

ANDY: Spindaloo?
Whoa. Very good.

Spindaloo.
Yeah. Spindaloo.

You can come back next week, Andy.

[CHUCKLING]

Right, it's that an out?