02x05 - Event of the Season

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Oh, Rana, Rana.

I've got to get her this.
Like mother, like daughter, eh?

Well, you've got eating and napping
covered but when was the last time

you dismantled the patriarchy? Well,
maybe you can help her with that.

You'll tase the patriarchy.

Don't. The force don't like
blue-on-blue tasing.

I could lose my job. Anyway, why you
so sure it's a girl?

Why does everyone keep asking
me that?

That bump just screams "boy" to me.

Oh, are you an expert, are yer?
I know my own body, Rana.

I'm having a girl.

£29.90...?

Auntie Rana...

BABY VOICE: ..do you want to
help dismantle the patriarchy?

Give us it.

# Polishing my shoes

# He's polishing his shoes. #

Where's my sex envelope?
Oh, aye. Is that my new nickname?

From the scan,
with my gender in it.

You told me to throw it out cos you
know your own body and it's a girl.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm having
a boy and I'm not.

I wanna prove 'em wrong.

I thought we decided we didn't
want to know?

And who cares what everybody
else thinks?

Well, what if I decided that
I wanted to know.

Please?

OK. Hmm!

Oh, but you didn't throw it out.
Well, no. Good job, innit.

OK, it's in here somewhere.
What's this?

What's this? Don't look at that.
It's private.

You made a wedding book?
No, just jotted down some ideas.

When did you learn calligraphy?
I didn't, I just jotted down

some ideas. Gis it, gis it, gis it.

It's nothing. Here you are.

This is silly now and it doesn't
matter. I'm throwing it out.

And I still don't wanna know.

Miss you already,
my little sex envelope.

Come on, girl.

Hi, what's your returns
policy, please?

What you blaming him for?
You're the adult.

I told you not to play
football inside.

KNOCKING
What?

I'm having a boy.

Well, I don't recommend it.

Let's put it near ours.

Broken stuff's great for putting
off house buyers.

Oh, God.
I'm not ready for a boy, Paul.

You can have Jake's old stuff.

In fact, you can have all
of it, and Dane's.

Boys can smash the patriarchy,
can't they?

Yeah. They'll just smash your telly
and all.

They've broken my heart.

Real Housewives was me
only joy in life.

I'd give you ours' but CBeebies is
co-parenting Grace.

Where am I gonna get my fix
of messy mares who live

for drama? Tell me that, Toni.

CAR HORN

Jesus Christ. Bloody hell.

Grace! Time for your playdate.

Quick word, Toni?

I hope this isn't about
the buttock cupping incident, Leanne,

because that matter is closed.

It's not about the sexual as*ault...
Banter. ..committed on my husband.

I briefly touched his arse.
Can we let it go, please?

Oh, I already have, Toni.
We're so past it.

In fact, it's made our marriage
even stronger.

Well, I'm really happy I could help.

An invitation for Grace to our
gender-reveal party next weekend.

Oh, it's amazing what you can do on
a home printer these days.

Er, I'll have you know, they were
designed by the bloke who does

the Hull City programmes.

Parents are invited,
to supervise the kids,

but if you're coming,
bring Craig to supervise you.

To supervise me? OK.

Hiya, Grace, love.

There you go. Have fun. Hi. Hi.

Well, I mean, I'll have to see,
you know,

what were up to, cos I'm pretty sure
we're booked up next weekend, so.

It's your choice.

I'm sure Grace is used
to disappointment.

What a delicious b*tch.

Now there's a real Real Housewife.

That was ace.
She absolutely annihilated you.

She did not annihilate me.

You've gotta go to this.

Where there's a delicious b*tch,
there's delicious drama.

Oh, I'm going all right. I'll show
Leanne who needs supervising.

Take me as your plus one.
You hate parties.

This in't a party.
This is reality TV in real life.

Please, please. I'll just,
I'll sit in a corner.

I'll say nothing,
I'll just enjoy it.

There is nothing to enjoy.

It's just a bunch of
respectable adults at

a boring gender-reveal party.

Well, when Leanne throws
that drink on you,

make sure Craig films it, yeah?

Please, Toni.

Please, I need this!

He must have reported me by now.

Why's it taking so long for them to
haul me in front of the tribunal?

Will you get the sack, Auntie Rana?

Worse, they'll put me on traffic
with the newbies and weirdos.

Ugh, why did I
lose control like that?

You're need a bit of a distraction.

You're gonna wear out
that deep-pile carpet.

Oh, I've tried, Mam. I got a new PB
on the treadmill today

but his face just kept popping into
my head. Pickles.

This might do the trick - Bax
Clayton's back on the market. No.

Contacts, love. Who's Bax Clayton?

Only the hottest man in Hull
I've yet to bag.

My Moby, literal, d*ck.

But he's never single when I am.

Till now.
How old is this information?

Everything he owns is in
a Pickford's van on

the Holderness Road as we speak.



His pectoralis majors are just like
the ones in my textbook.

Word is, he's reintroducing himself
into society at

his cousin Leanne's gender reveal.

Can't say I've ever pulled at a
gender-reveal party before.

But I do love a challenge.
Could be just what you need, love.

And Leanne's mum owes me a favour.

I did her her Oestrogel BOGOF in
Morrison's car park.

She's a new woman,
and you could be too.

You totally deserve that absolutely
outrageous piece of man flesh.

Preach, Daadi. Ash, I'm next.

The hunt is on and I need
nails that say I came to slay.

You need to come see this. I'm busy.

We're raising a man-hater.

What?

She's beheading boys.

Oh, my God. No, she's not.

What, she's just taking their
heads off?

That's what beheading means, Toni.
CAR HORN OUTSIDE

Oh, great, there's the taxi.
Nice one, Craig.

Now I'm going to the party dressed
as bog roll cover.

This is why men have their heads
taken off.

Have fun.

Leanne's focusing on family
and top-tier friends today,

so she may not have time
to personally greet you. Have fun.

Hey. Hey, how are you? Good.

Why is everyone waving at us?

We know them. From school.
They're parents and teachers.

We see them every day.
It's not ringing any bells.

I'm gonna go say hi.
Are you coming? Nah.

I'm gonna say hi to this buffet. OK,
darling. Have fun.

Virgin Mary? How did you get
in?

My mate's doing the catering.

Dusted off my silver
service certificate

and borrowed Jake's wedding
waistcoat. You working here?

Yeah, it's ace.


the telly fund, and I get to watch
the show.

Apparently, some slag's tried it on
with Leanne's Rod.

Cupped his buttock.
Yes. Paula, that was me. Remember?

You'd better be telling people
I'm innocent.

Sorry, Toni. I'm merely an observer.
Now, then, Tone.

What are you doing here?!
Everyone's here, Toni.

It's the event of the season.

Ah!

My last hurrah before I'm stuck on
Ferensway with a speed g*n.

At least you can't k*ll anyone
with a laser.

Wanna bet?

Lucky for you, Bax Clayton's
unattended by the bao buns.

Give this to Mam in VIP. Excuse me.

Those buns look tasty.

Help yourself.

Pickles? I can pick the gherkins
off.

I'll be right back.

What are you doing here?

Isn't it obvious? I'm larging it.

You came to gloat, didn't you?

Well, I'm not scared, Pickles.
Just report me.

I'm not gonna report you.

Seriously?

Why not?

I think I deserved it.

Oh, no, come on. You didn't deserve
it. No, I bloody didn't.

But I've been musing,
as I apply ointment

to my electrical burns of
an evening.

Sounds like a fun night in.

It occurs to me that I'm not
an easy man to share

a Vauxhall Vectra with.
It's an Astra, but never mind.

The most miserable
man in Yorkshire.

That's what they call me, isn't it?
Well, yeah.

That was no reason to stun you.
I was out of order.

That's why I'm here.
My cousin Rod invited me.

Figured some light-hearted

socialising might change people's
perception of me.

Oh, right, and how's that working
out for you?

Well, I'm sat in a playpen,
reading Schopenhauer, so...

Get up. Come on, stand up.

Now you're ready to mingle.
Do you know how this works?

Oh, look at that. Party found you.

My mate Pickles here will show you
how that works.

Stick 'em up. I'm Kiki.

I'm Pickles. Have fun.

Right, let's have a look.

And when I'm gonna walk...

Don't let her in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dane. What are
doing?

Paula's mate wangled it.
Doing my bit for the telly fund.

Wave me through, then. Oh, sorry.
You're barred. Strict instructions.

I'll take it from here, Dane.

It's all happening at this gender
reveal.

It's the event... Event of the
season. Yeah, I heard.

Isn't it?

Apparently, there's some super-slag
on the loose, groping husbands.

That rumour is totally
unfounded, OK?

This party is turning into
Hull's sexual marketplace.

And guess who's hot property?

Who's hot property?

You are so funny. You're just...

Craig isn't a stud.

He write's songs about polishing
his shoes.

I've told you, Tone.
Your Craig is a sad-eyed hunk.

And the vultures are circling.
Yeah, he isn't bothered, though.

It was only the other month he asked
me to marry him. Did he?

Oh, yeah, we're not doing it,
though. I don't believe in it.

But Craig does?
Nah. He just wants the tax break.

End of the day, everyone wants to
get one over on the taxman, innit?

Did find this wedding dream book
he'd made.

Got very defensive about it.

When you ridicule a man's wedding
dream book, you crush his soul.

The wedding dream book is not
Craig's soul.

Is it? You tell me.

Nima... Yes?

..I think Craig's soul is in
the wheelie bin.

You might want to get it out, then.
And get a wriggle on,

if I were you. It's bin day.

Bin day!

Welcome to our beautiful home.

Countdown to the reveal.

Rod will be popping
the balloon shortly.

CHEERING

Me and Rod are rock solid.

So a certain interested party can
keep her hands off his arse.

Got that?!

The king prawns are
the priciest item, on that table,

so load up on those.
Hey. Anyone got eyes on Moby d*ck?

I thought he was with you.

You after that bloke who looks like
Henry Cavill with

a side order of Tom Hardy?
Aren't we all, love?

Bad news on that front.

Vegetarian. I'm pretty macho.

THEY LAUGH

Oh. Missed my chance
to catch Moby d*ck.

Jason Pickles!

I need to sh**t something.

He's got her all het up, that lad.

He's all she ever talks about.

We all know what that means.
Espresso martini?

Don't mind if I do.

That's a big one. I think it's a
jumbo.

Good to know.

Help a girl out?

So, what's the plan?
Save the princess.

Good plan.

That's where they're holding
Princess Unicorn. Can you help us?

I see. Hostage situation.
Sounds serious.

Good to have you back, Bansall.

Don't push it, Pickles.
I'm armed. Come on then, Kiki,

where we going?
I'll head 'em off round the back.

Keep your eyes on that door.
Stay safe.

Where is it?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, my God.

It's me.

It's all me.

I'm the love of Craig's life.

sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

You moved on quickly. The decree
nisi only came this morning.

Cosmopolitan? Thanks.

Yes. Yes.

Now, this is a laugh, right?
It was.

And then I saw behind the
made-to-measure curtain.

This food cost what I earn in
a month.

That calendar's hellscape.

Rod and Leanne have not had
a clear weekend since Christmas.

Look at the size
of their mortgage repayments.

Whoa. The Kingswood executive high
life does not come cheap.

I thought being
a housewife was tiring.

But being a real housewife - now,
that's like running a small country.

Taken the sheen off her, has it?
God, no. I'm in awe.

Being a delicious b*tch who lives

for drama - it takes hard graft.
Leanne's my hero.

You're not gonna start living
for the drama, are you?

God, no. Too tiring.

I live for cheese
and sitting on the sofa.

But I'm really glad that
Leanne's out there,

fighting the good fight.

Right, I'm just gonna stick a wash
on and run the hoover round.

Give her a bit more time
for her art.

OVER RADIO: Security. Toni's gone
AWOL. I repeat, Toni is off grid.

I want a ring of steel around
Rod ASAP. Copy that.

I knew there'd be a big finale.

This is gonna be Christine Quinn
meets Lisa Vanderpump. Come on.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Come on.

You just get
a much warmer sound with vinyl.

Who's a dirty boy, then?

Delicious.

THEY LAUGH

And then I knew.

I knew I was the one.

You should see it! It's all in here!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh. Go faster.

Does this thing go any faster?

What's your name?

I'm getting a brother.

Me, too. I hate boys.

Come on. Let's play a trick.

You've not heard Solsbury Hill till
you've heard it at 45 RPM.

Mm. It's quite the mouthful.

Yeah. Hello, Kingswood!

CHEERING

So, what do we reckon? Boy or girl?

CROWD: Girl! Boy!

Well, me and my gorgeous wife

will reveal the answer very soon.
OK?

CHEERING

Well done, Team Rainbow Star.
That was a good mission.

You saved Princess Unicorn.

All down to your leadership, ma'am.

Special shout-out to Rana
for not sh**ting any of

the good guys. For once.

Was that a joke, Pickles?

Perhaps. Now it's time for medals!

Hey, I quite like the sound of
the Rainbow Star Unit.

I might transfer.

Will you miss me?

Right, what mission shall we do
next?

Excuse me.

Chill out, Rod. I'm not here for
you.

Excuse me.

OK. Sorry, everyone. Quick
announcement.

My Craig made this.

I mean, hours. He spent hours
cutting up the Next catalogue.

Security to the stage
now. Toni's defiling my event.

Roger that. Wait.
And what did I do?

Let her do this.

I dismissed it. I took the piss.
I crushed his soul.

Are you gonna let her ruin my day?
Let's not make a scene.

But it's OK, Craig.
I get it now. I do.

I know how you feel about me.
It's all in this book.

Oh, my God.

It's me, isn't it?

Cos these losers,
these f*cking losers,

yeah, you, you've got no chance.

Because I'm your leading lady.
You're going nowhere, Craig.

It's me. I'm the one.

It's OK. It's OK. I complete you.

I make you want to be
a better man.

I had you at hello.

Yeah... Yeah, come on. No.

And I don't believe in marriage.
But...but you do.

So I'm gonna make you
the happiest man alive by asking...

..Craig, will you marry me?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Catch that gender!

Move.

Go. Keep clear! Move! Move!

Move! Move!

CHEERING

Good shot. Good shot.

CHEERING

What do you say? Yes.

Yes, of course I'll marry you.
That's why I asked you.

Come here.

CHEERING

CHANTING: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Do you want to know?

We're having a boy, aren't we?

Yeah.

Rana... Would you rather I stunned
you again? No, ma'am.

You don't propose at another woman's
gender reveal.

I hear you, love. Ultimate taboo.

As I said to Suzie Bates when her
bouncy castle exploded,

karma's a b*tch. Isn't it?

So is the baby a boy or a girl?

Don't worry about that, Dane, love.

What say we go home
and I'll reveal my gender?

# I belong to you
You belong to me

# You're my sweetheart... #

He says he wants
to give you another present.

OK.

That's nice of your brother,
isn't it? There you go.

What do you think to boys now?

I like 'em. They give you things.

That's my girl.

Wait. You're not gonna take my
surname, are you?

Why?

I think it's pretty obvious, mate.

What do you mean?
I think it's got a nice ring to it.

"And the Oscar goes to...Toni
Blair."

Ah.

# You look nice as all dressed up

# A classy bloke with a
half-full cup

# But I came out just for you

# I got you

# Beer in the cupboard
Your eyes to mine

# You skipped my queues and my lines

# Buy me a drink and my eyes
glaze over

# I got you

# And I don't care about the things
I have

# I got you... #