02x04 - The Godmother

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language

I have had a really sh*t day
and I am in the mood for a food coma.

Get your Scart cable out
for the lads,

cos we're going old-school DVD!

I'm sorry love. I can't tonight.
Something's come up.

But I've just you
I've had a really sh*t day,

and I'm in the mood for some Mum TLC.

Can't you rustle up a date?
Take your mind off it.

What about that bloke
from the post office?

Mam, he calls this...his junk mail.

Is it? You get yourself home.
Get yourself some patties on me.

You fobbing me off with patties?
Mam, what's going on?

Hey, I've got to go.
You're letting the cold air in.

And I can't do this Sunday either.

What about our date
at the climbing wall?

Men in Lycra,
small and flexible - just your type.

Mam!

Can't risk it.

A woman from Pilates snapped her arm
there like a breadstick.

That place is a death trap.

Thanks, sweetheart. No, Mam.

Well, don't eat all those macaroons.

Don't forget about "bowelgate".

Don't worry. I won't.
They're Ashley's favourite.

Ashley?

# All right, all right
Give me strength

# Give me love. #

The brave women
protest hand in hand,

joined together to make their stand.

TONI SIGHS

The unique smell of the theatre.

I think that's the carpet, Tone.

And once into the night

our brave mothers did take flight!

Grace, Grace. Just bring it down.

I'd have been here earlier

but there was an accident
off Spring Bank

and I stopped to have a look.

I didn't know Gloria was coming.

Mum just felt that as someone
with a stage background

that she should...
she should be here.

Who else has a stage background,
Craig?

Well, it'd be you.
Both... Both of you, then.

PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, phone's ringing.

Hello.

Who'd have thought someone
in our family would be good enough

to make it onto the stage
of Hull Truck Theatre?

If you don't have anything nice
to say,

then your name is probably Gloria.

Jake!
What did your last sl*ve die of?

Exhaustion, probably.

Will you come
and clean this mess up?

He doesn't know he's born, him.

I was washing cars for a quarter
of boiled sweets when I was his age.

I love it when you talk
about your Victorian childhood.

Did you ever get trapped
under a loom?

Cheeky beggar.

Come on, Ashley. Answer your phone.

I've tried calling her ten times
and not once has she answered.

I did hard labour for those two
and now they're both ignoring me.

Jake! If you don't let go, you're
going to push her away completely.

Yeah, all right, Oprah.

I'll see you later.
My phone's off all afternoon.

I don't want to disturb
the fish. Jake!

Coming!

Giving children space.

Fishing as a pastime

when it used to be
the backbone of this city.

Everyone's gone soft
in the head, Dane.

I mean, what's next?
Therapy dogs in Boots?

My wife and I are good tenants.

Well, she's not my wife,
she's my girlfriend.

She won't marry me,
but that's another story.

You can't just let someone in for
a viewing without letting us know.

Oh, this is you letting us know.

What if I want...?

OK.

And once into the night,
our brave mothers did take flight.
Cold call. All good.

Can we have Grace again, please?

Grace again. Grace again.
Grace again.

I think my Finlay is next.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY

Bossy cow.

The brave women
protest hand in hand...

Oh, that kid better not get
narrator over our Grace.

He's really annoying.

That's what happened to you
at the Jazzamatazz Theatre School

back in Nottingham.
Oh, when I was Oliver?

You weren't Oliver.
You were Fourth Urchin.

The kid that got the lead,

his mother was a sharp-elbowed
so and so.

Barged us out of the way.
Why didn't you say something?

Well, you know me.
I don't like confrontation.

No, you don't, do you?

Grace, you've got big dreams, hmm?

You want fame?

Well, you do, and fame costs,
but this is where it starts -

right here, right now,

with the blood and the sweat
and the tears, OK?

Hey. Hey, baby. What are you doing?

It's dog eat dog, theatre, you know.

Listen, you just don't understand
because of your proper job, hmm?

Are you trying to live vicariously
through our daughter?

No, I'm just trying to live,
actually, Craig,

before I'm back on a beanbag having

the life drained
out of my right nipple.

And the part of narrator
goes to Grace.

Ah!
APPLAUSE

Yay! Well done!

OK, well,
as her mother and chaperone,

I'd like a quick look
round those dressing rooms

to make sure they meet
our exacting standards.

We can't have
both parents chaperoning.

It interferes with
the child's inner artist.

Also, fire regulations.

Ah. Craig.

She wants me to stay.

Mum, that means you, too.

That's it, Craig.
Elbows out for our Grace.

VOICEMAIL: You've reached
Nima's phone.

You know what to do, in't it?

Hiya, Mam, it's me.
Will you please pick up?

This is, like, the tenth call.

Decent arrest this morning, Bansal.

I mean, you're good anyway,

but I think that's
the best work I've seen you do

these past two months.

Well, it didn't feel like it.

Everything's pointless.

I feel like I've reached
your level in life -

life's a b*tch and then you die.
If you're lucky.

I don't know who for, or what for,
but my mam's ignoring me.

Too much expectation is placed
on the parent/child relationship.

We should all learn
from the harp seal.

Abandon our young
at two weeks. Sayonara.

I take it back. I've not quite
reached Level Pickles.

Oh, look at him. Jacks Jackson,
out of prison, drinking pop
like butter wouldn't melt.

But it always melts,

and when it does,
I'll be there to catch it

like a law-enforcing butter dish.

I think he's got something to do
with the new drugs g*ng in town.

That leopard hasn't changed
his spots.

Hasn't changed his tracksuit either,
by the looks of it.

Let's keep an eye on him,
see if he brings us closer
to the drugs supply.

Bit of a nice distraction
to be honest.

Oh, you say that now,

but when the spice rolls in
and Queen Victoria Square

looks like a scene
from The Walking Dead,

you'll soon change your tune.

Will you stop spraying steak bake
all over the car?

It's like being inside a snow-globe.

I'm sorry.

There's an evidence bag
under there. Use that. Under there!

Under the seat. Under there.

Where's he gone?

Oh, sh*t. I didn't...

And the young boy asked,

"Mother, when will Father
be coming home?"

I think that'd be much better
as direct male speech -

give some gender balance.

Excuse me, but that's not his line.
Sorry, but...

Mother,
when will Father be coming home?

Lovely, Finlay. She can't do that.

Is everything all right?

It's like taking a line from Brando
and giving it to Big Bird.

Yeah, right. Back to you, Grace.

He's been going to Stage Rats
for four years.

He's borderline professional.
You can't do that.

I think I just did.

And the young boy asked,

"Mother, when will Father
be coming home?"

Cutie.

Hiya.

Childless, Toni.
They've all flown the nest.

Jake's eight.

Dane's taken him fishing.
That's how it starts.

Next thing you know,
you're on your own

watching Homes Under The Hammer
in a high-backed chair

with no-one to change the channel.

Well, at least he hasn't sacked you.

Grace chose Craig to go with her
to rehearsals instead of me.

So, she got the part?

That's not the point, Paula.

My mam's being a right cow-bag.

She stole some macaroons from me,

she knocked back Jason Statham,

and she hasn't picked up the phone
to me once all weekend.

Then I saw her come out
of the chemist wearing

a Peaky Blinders cap
and run off down a ten-foot.

Is this a cheese dream?

And that snidey backstabber Ashley
was there, too. Hold on. What?

Why is she hanging out with Nima?

What's wrong with hanging out
with me?

Because we all k*ll our mothers,
Paula. Haven't you seen Electra?

If it's not on ITV 2,
chances are, no.

I'm not having this.
I'm her only living child.

What about Dane?

I'm going to ask you a question
I could have asked Grace

if she hadn't picked Craig over me.

What's your motivation?

My motivation is to find out
what the actual f*ck is going on,

and why my Mam and Ashley
handed a package to Jacks Jackson -

a known criminal
who I nicked a few months back.

Oh, my God.

She's dragging my baby girl
into the underworld.

I've read Martina Cole.
I know how this sh*t ends.

You're upside down in a skip
with your throat cut.

All right, dial it down a bit, P.

Enough chat. I'm going to find 'em.

I'm bloody coming, too.

Oh! Can we go in the police car?

That'll show Grace and Craig
who the fun parent is.

Rana, we can be in hot pursuit.

Don't ever let me hear you say
that again.

Come on. Oh, I'm going.

Mam? Have you not got a key?

Don't come for me, Toni.

Brand-new air fryer.
That is not the Nima I know.

She doesn't even open
an Argos catalogue

without telling me about it first.

Is that a voice-activated kettle?

Kettle, boil.
KETTLE: Kettle boiling.

That's up there with the printing
press and the wheel, that.

Where did she get the money
for all this?

Has she got a new fella?
They're always buying her stuff.

Remember when she went out
with Mike from Yankee Burger?

It was wall-to-wall
quarter pounders for a good portion

of the early noughties.

My Mam tells me
about all of her fellas.

I thought we told
each other everything.

Ash bought a coat from Very...

..and she didn't pay in instalments.

She is getting money
from somewhere.

Abnormal spending activity.

Note to cross-reference
with bank accounts.

That's the calculator, Toni.
Lads, focus.

Let's get our facts straight.

The suspect, Mam, has been seen
consorting with a known criminal,

clearly hiding something...

..and is ignoring
her only loving daughter

in favour of her granddaughter.

Not sure that last charge
would hold in court.

Ashley can't be a criminal.

Nobody wants a convict
blading their eyebrows.

Even if she's totally lost
the run of herself,

Mam won't change
the habit of a lifetime.

Do you know what today is?

Monday?

Half-price Monday at...

ALL: Vanity nails.

PHONE RINGS
Oh, God. Whose this?

Pickles. Right, go on. Clear off.

Hiya. Where are you?
I've got you a sausage sarnie.

It's not going to stay
un-ate for long.

Something's come up.

Look, can you tell the boss
it's women's troubles?

He'll get the ick
and not question it.
Ah, the monthly burden.

Something that all of the human race
benefits from,

yet only half of us
truly understand.

Free tampons would be a start.

Anyway, can you cover for me or not?

I'm not sure I can.

The meeting
about Jacks Jackson's sighting

has been moved up
from tomorrow to today.

The boss wants it as high priority.

All right, fine. I'm on my way.



Oh, it does make
a nice cup of tea, though.

I can't believe
I'm going to say this,

but you two go to Vanity Nails,
and if you see my Mam and Ashley,

squeeze the truth out of them
like the pair of lemons they are.

Can I make a citizen's arrest?

Uh, yeah,

but only on Toni
if she says "hot pursuit" again.

Feel free to use
a truncheon on her.

It's a nail salon,
not a Mexican Border coke den.

Paula, those tables could all flip
the minute your back's turned.

These lot will stop shellacking
and start weighing and bagging.

Hello, ladies.

We're chocca today.
Half-price Monday. Got to book.

We're looking for Nima Bansal,
aka the Hessell Road Hustler.

I'm not sure I've seen her.

Oh, you're all right.
We'll wait for her.

Can I offer you ladies
a free foot massage?

No. Yes.

No. Free.

I know. No. Paula, let me have this.

Just relax. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You've got lovely feet.

Oh, this is so nice.

Yeah. Ah!

Ashley! Mam?

Shoes on, quickly. Quickly. Leg it.

Quickly. Quickly.

Quick. Shoes on, please.
Got to be quicker than that.

No, no, no, no.

Oh! Oh, my God. They've gone.

I knew I shouldn't have left you two
by yourselves.

Mam's not at home
and there's no car in the drive.

She texted me
saying she was off to Zumba.

That's a blatant lie.

You'd have to hold a g*n
to her head to make her sweat.

There you are. Ashley called.

She said everything's fine.
You need to chillax.

I'll chillax her
when I get hold of her.

She's up to no good, Dane,

and she's going to drag us
all down with her.

Why is she sending messages
through you like a bad grass?

Might have something
to do with this energy?

Oh, really? Just get out.

I can't cope with this.

Someone tell me something nice.

How did Grace get on today?

She's in bed.

Craig said she needs downtime
and minimal lighting.

It's like living with Joan Crawford.
And I don't mean Grace.

Oh.

One more time.

Big Lil thumped her hand
on the table

and said to her daughter Virginia,
"Virginia, enough is enough!"

Again. Big Lil thumped her hand...

Oh, we don't have any leads.

Nima's gone dark on us,
Ashley's saying everything's fine,

but she hasn't made
a Get Ready With Me on TikTok

for the last 24 hours.

We're just in the middle
of a rehearsal.

Actually, I've got a few suggestions
for Grace to run through.

It's nothing major.
All pretty chill.

Oh, I can run lines. No, no.

We're just not ready
to reveal the performance

until it's showtime, that's all.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I know how you feel.

Yeah.

Can't say too much about the work
I'm doing with Rana either.

It's pretty, um, sensitive stuff.

Ah, another day...

..another chance to clean up
the mean streets of Hull.

What, do you want it open or closed?

Closed.

Again.

Come on, Toni.

Right. Where are we going?

Shh! I'm trying to track her phone.

Can't be that secure.

All she does is order stuff
from QVC on it.

I've tried everything -

my date of birth,
Dane's, Jake's, Ashley's.

Hers?
Oh, it's hard to know which one.

It's always shifting.

Oh, wait.
Um, when's that George Clarke's?

Oh, I love him.

He can come and get
in my tiny space whenever he wants.

Who's George Clarke?



See if that works.

Yes! Got it.

Oh, great. She's on the move.

OK. I don't want to hear this one.
Throw this one away, OK?

Pretend this sentence doesn't exist.
Throw it away.

I've seen off bigger
and better than you.

He beat off 500 girls
to play Matilda in Leeds Varieties.

You have no idea
what I'm capable of.

No-one, and I mean no-one,
puts Craig in the corner.

Listen to me. You missed your cue
on this one. Throw this one away.

He's rubbish. You got this.

You're loads better than him.
Ten times better than him.

ENGINE EXPLODES

ENGINE SPUTTERS
Try it again.

I've tried it again.
Well, try it again.

What do you want me to do, Paula?
This is your fault.

You made me go into fourth earlier.
How have you never been
above third gear?

Rana, you're talking to a woman
who only turns left.

"Give her space," Dane said.

I'll give her b*stard space when
I see her. I'll launch her into it.

PAULA GRUNTS
Whoa. That is a real skill, Paula.

Do not take the piss, Rana.

No, I'm not.
Seriously, I'm genuinely impressed.

Like the Rock,
but a smaller version.

What, the Pebble?

Oh, oh. She's on the move.
She's heading back to hers.

Oh, well, let's sack this then.

Let's go to Hull Truck Theatre.
Craig's there. We can use our car.

Rana, you know what this is,
don't you? What?

It's a hot pursuit. Oh,
I'm going to punch you in a minute.
PHONE RINGS

It's a high-temperature chase.
Shh! It's Pickles. Shut up. Hiya.

ON PHONE: I know
you're fed-up, Rana,

and you're trying to prove
that you're a lone wolf,

but there's talk
this new g*ng is dangerous.

If you're trying to track them
on your own, you need backup.

No, I'm not. I promise.
Would I lie to my partner?

I'm...

MOUTHS SILENTLY: What?

I'm...sick.

Yeah, so sick. I'm just burning up,

like I'm in a hot fire.

And just then freezing cold,
like a...a...a polar bear.

SHE COUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY

OK. Well, get better.

Yeah, I will. I'll try.
Thank you, Pickles. Bye.

Yeah, remind me to work on some
basic realistic coughs, Rana,

cos, well, I'm the queen
of the sicky, and that... Yeah.

I thought that was brilliant.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realise a play
about the brave women of Hull

was actually a celebration
of male mediocrity.

Hey, girls.
What are you doing here?

Got the bus in.
Um, we need the car, stat.

Right. Thank you.

There you go. You're driving.

Hello. You all right?

I don't want to be
the narrator any more.

Finlay should do it.

You get back up there
right now, young lady,

and you get those lines
back off Finlay, you hear me?

Who have you become?

Oh, God. I'm a terrible man.

Can I ask you all to leave, please?
Yep. Come on.

Can't take the pressure?

You want to count yourself lucky

it's my fella you've been
dealing with and not me.

I beg your pardon?
Oh, you'd be begging, all right.

I'd have every line off your Finlay
and in my Grace's very capable gob.

They don't call me
the Kris Jenner of Hull for nowt.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, my God.
It's like Goodfellas in there.

Right, you two go round the back.

Head her off and make sure
she doesn't do a runner.
Don't lose her this time.

Mam, whatever it is you're up to,
you've got to tell me.

CAR DOOR SHUTS

I don't know why you have
to do this on your own.

If this is what we think this is,
this is way bigger than you.

How did you find the address?
Did you follow me here?

Yeah, of course I did.
I've got your back.

And I think you may have led us to
the centre of this drugs operation.
You can't go in there.

Just trust me. You can't, all right?
I don't want any trouble here.

I'll come in without a fight.

It's just remedies
for the perimenopausal.

All the hallmarks of a drugs ring.
Drugs ring?

I'm arresting you.
Mam, get back inside. Get inside.

That's your mam? Yes.

And if anyone's going to bring
her in, it's going to be me.

I am so sorry, Pickles,
but that is just the way it is.

Rana, I can't do this.
I'm arresting you on...

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, HE GRUNTS

Oh...

HE GASPS

Does it hurt?

What the hell is going on, Mam?
Are you running some sort
of criminal enterprise?

Am I heck.

Ashley and I are simply offering
a much-needed service.

Gran's the menopause queen.

Everyone comes to her
for tips and help.

End of day, it's money
in your back pocket, in't it?

People are paying hand over fist
for my fish collagen.

I've got a nice little deal going
with a few fish factories.

They get rid of the fish scales,

my ladies get rid
of their turkey necks.

What about Jacks Jackson?
His Mam's one of my ladies.

She wanted me to get her hormone gel

while she was at the caravan
at In-gold-mells.

"Ingoldmells", Gran.

Why didn't you just tell me?
You trusted Ashley and not me.

Some things are just going to have
to be on a need-to-know basis.

And where do you come into this,
Lady Muck?

I've just been giving massages
and helping out. I love it.

I pay her. I'm not a skinflint.

I've saved up enough for us
to go on a spa day, Mam.

I realised you might be feeling
a bit weird about me leaving home.

I knew it. Didn't I say?

It'll all be something and nothing,
and it'll all be totally fine.

I recall something more along
the lines of upside down in a skip

with her throat cut, but...

We were having a right laugh,
weren't we, Gran?

It's just what I need
after the year I've had.

We were like Bonnie and...Bonnie.

Didn't need a Clyde -

just another fella
to get on your twangers.

Rana, we need to talk,
but later, when I stop twitching.

SHE SIGHS

SHE CHUCKLES
Are you OK?

You were right, mate.
Theatre's dog eat dog, innit?

HE SIGHS

Now I've got a real appreciation
for what you do.

You should have seen me today.

I was giving very good
Frances McDormand in Fargo energy.

I bet you were.
SHE CHUCKLES

I'm just so glad we're not like
all those other parents... Mm.

..and we can actually
just love Grace for who she is.

Yeah. We're ace.

We are ace.

Want to see my cheerleading routine?

Oh, yeah. Of course, darling.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, 11, 12.

Yeah, it's a bit sloppy
on the entry.

Yeah. Go again, Grace, but snappier.

# I got a smile taking over my face

# Feeling the sunshine
all over the place

# If it's for real,
you gon' feel it in your soul

# If it's for real,
you gon' feel it in your bones

# This is for real
Boom, boom, boom

# Bang, bang, bang

# I'mma make you move like
Hey, hey, hey

# This is for real
Boom, boom, boom

# Bang, bang, bang

# I'mma make you move like
Hey, hey, hey. #