02x03 - Flirt Master

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

This is a very desirable area.
Great community spirit.
Oh, that's so important for us.

Boffing your own mother's boyfriend?
You're no daughter of mine.

I loved it, Mum, and I'd do him
again in a heartbeat.

You hussy.

Someone's nicked me door, again.

Tell me who and I'll batter 'em...
It's twice this month.

This way.

Could be anyone round here.

Oh, were just getting the morning
blaze on.

It's acrid.

Yeah, it's tradition round here,
bin fire of a morning.

The whole street does it.

Good for the lungs, eh, Gracie?

Shall we go inside? Oh, yeah. Come
on in, my lovelies.

What happened to your eye?

Oh, some urchin tried
to steal my hub caps.

That's awful.

Yeah, I mean you get used to it,
don't you? Comes with the territory.

You know. We have to go, actually.

Yeah. Thanks for your time.

Bye now. See ya.

Nicely played, Ms Callaghan. I don't
know what you mean.

I'm gonna sell this house, whether
you like it or not.

OK... OK.

All right. Well, good luck. I'll see
you soon.

And scene.

Another successful production from
the Toni Callaghan playhouse.

Young Grace did go off script
a bit.

Flicked a V at Phil and Kirstie.

Grace, remember, you're Molly from
Annie not the Artful Dodger.

Oh, going inside, are you?

She is so moody at the moment.

Well, she's got a lot on her plate.

She only had one line and she didn't
even say it.

I'm talking about the baby, the
house up for sale...

Oh, God, yeah. That.
Do you know what?

I keep forgetting about them cos
I'm handling them so well.

Yeah, yeah you are.

Oy... Oy!

Bravo, ladies.

Yes. Thank you.

Rana, you are such a convincing
slapper.

I know.

Do you want to, er, come round for
breakfast?

Craig's making eggs, as a thank you
from me.

Oh, I can't. I'm on an OP with an
MMMIY.

An MMMIY? What's that like
a new department?

Nah. Jason Pickles.

The Most Miserable Man in Yorkshire.

Not an easy crown to claim.

Lot of misery guts in God's Own
Country.

Got my first shift with him today.

Eight hours of "Hull is a cosmic
joke played by a God who doesn't
exist."

Shar! Oh, my God, you were great!
Such pain!

Thanks.

Craig. Bring Shar's gate back.

Will do. Anytime, Toni. We renters
need to stick together.

Oh, tell me about it.

Insecure housing posse in da house.

Till our landlords try and sell them.

Such a nightmare honestly.

All right, no splinters today.
Let's get that door back on, Shar.

Oh, super Craig to the rescue.
My hero.

Ah, Shar's real friendly, isn't she?

Tone, that's ain't friendly.

Yeah. That's flirting.

What?

Women don't flirt with Craig.

Got his last pair of trousers from
the middle of Lidl.

It's not about his trousers, love,
it's about what's in 'em...

And that boy is ageing like a fine
wine.

Is Craig ageing like a fine wine? Oh,
and that is my cue to leave.

I'm gonna bob the kettle on.

What do you think?

Any notes, Toni?

Bold costume choice, Dane.

What's going on with you two?

We're in a sexual standoff.

I'm not getting another IUD.

He won't get the snip. Stalemate.

Is that why he's got those
tiny shorts?

Yeah. He's wearing me down, so
I break first, but it won't work.

I can see what you're doing, Dane.

Yeah. I mean we all can, in those
shorts.

Yeah. See you at the next bin fire.
OK.

Oh, aren't you tall. Can you reach
that high?

Yeah, yeah I got really long limbs.

Oh, that's magic, Craig.

Do you want me to go a little higher
for you?

No. That's the spot. Keep it there.

MUSIC: Bikini by Caroline Rose

# We're gonna give you everything
you've ever wanted

# Hang a banner with your name
upon it

# Pour three shots in a glass, call
it a Martini

# All you've got to do is put on this
little bikini. #

No more. This isn't fair.

We've done the hard years
of parenting.

It's true. Ashley's thriving at
college,

Minecraft takes excellent care
of Jake.

We should be getting our sexual
second wind now.

We deserve it, after the year we've
had.

And instead we're in a terrible
nookie drought.

Driving me up the wall.

I shut my finger in the till seven
times this week.

I know, I cut through a mains cable
yesterday,

thinking about you in your
bunny ears.

Well, you know the solution.

I'm not getting a vasectomy, Paul.

I'm not getting another IUD.
It's your turn. I did 11 years.

No-one's coming near my ba*ls with
a soldering iron.

When they burn the tubes it smells
like peri peri chicken. Really?

Well, having a metal c*ck
umbrella jammed up your cervix

isn't a trip to Centre Parcs,
either.

Well, I guess the standoff
continues.

And when you break,

you know where I am.

I won't break. I'm rock hard.

I know the feeling.

SHE SIGHS

MUSIC: This Town Ain't Big Enough For
The Both Of Us by Sparks

# This town ain't big enough for both
of us

# And it ain't me who's gonna leave

# I ain't gonna leave. #

All right? SIGHS: Hull is a cosmic
joke played by...

By a God who doesn't exist. Yeah.
Heard that one too.

If you're so miserable in Hull,
why did you transfer here?

I applied to the Met, but someone in
HR ticked the wrong box.

SNIGGERS: Now that's a cosmic joke.

Fine, mock me,

but ask yourself why you need to.

Do you fear sincerity?

Chill out, True Detective. We don't
do dark and moody,

we do Chip Spice, so put a sock in
it, we've got justice to serve.

Ah, justice, man's desperate...

Oh, thanks again, Craig.
You really are handy.

Oh, picked it up off Netmums. Yeah,
they're great with DIY.

That and the seven signs you're
ovulating.

What else did those mums teach you?
Oh, loads, yeah,

do you want me to pop round and
bleed your radiators for you?

You really know what women want.

Aargh.

What was that, Toni? You were
flirting with her.

No, I bloody wasn't. Yes, you were,

and she was flirting back. Bleed her
radiators.

That was a genuine offer.

Oh, when did you last bleed my
radiators, Craig?

Last week, when you fell asleep in
front of Gogglebox.

Oh, right.

Yeah, well, I know flirting when I
see it.

I basically invented it.

You invented flirting?

Yeah. And damn straight.
I'm the flirt master.

You're really not mate.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, I just choose not to practice
my art when you're around.

Out of courtesy to you.

How very noble of you! I had no
idea.

Well, the gloves are off now, Craig.

Two can play at that flirting game.

Grace, it's time for school.

Yeah, watch out, world.

Toni Callaghan is back on
the flirting scene.

Yeah, and she's feeling frisky.

Grace?

Hiya. Oh!

Hiya! Who's this tall drink of water?

Are you thirsty, love? I am now.

Is she all right?

Jury's out on that one, mate.

Might wanna take that black eye
off, Tone.

Hey up! Who's this then?

No, she hasn't.

Are you in charge?

What you doing here?

I'm from City Hall. I'm here to
inspect your equipment.

Yes, ma'am.

Show me what you can do with that.

JAZZ-STYLE MUSIC

That is a very large piece.

You clearly know what to do with it.

Be careful it doesn't go off
unexpectedly.

Bloody hell.

City Hall had a makeover.
What happened to Bernard?

Right, everything we've got on
Jacks Jackson.

You can never truly know who
another man is.

You can have a pretty good
idea. Twat.

Looks like your standard
drug dealer.

Peddling the promise of respite
to desperate souls.

Oh, he's an idiot, but he's
basically harmless.

No-one's harmless, Rana.

Every breath we take poisons
the planet.

SHE SIGHS

There goes some rainforest.

So, you think Jackson's the one
who's been seen dealing here?

It's his MO, for sure, but when his
daughter was born,

I really thought he'd go straight.

People don't change. We just tell
ourselves they can,

so our hearts don't break.

You've always been a miserable git,
then, have you?

Just have my eyes open, Rana.

Oh, well your mouth's certainly
open.

Anyway, people can change, Pickles.
I've seen it with my own eyes.

I've got a good feeling about Jacks
Jackson.

Is that him there?

Oh, sh*t. Yeah.

Dealing drugs to that teenager?

Yeah, all right, Pickles, don't rub
it in.

Oy, Jacks, you twat!

Jacks, you prick, get back here!
Jacks!

Oh. Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

Oh, Grace. Don't snatch.

Sorry, Missy. It's OK, Grace.

Grace!

I don't know what to do about her at
the moment,

as a mother or a director.

Oh, I wouldn't worry, I mean, they
have

lots of funny little phases at that
age, don't they?

God, you're so right, er...

Rod. I'm Rod.

Rod... Rod. Course.

IN A HUSKY VOICE: Rodney.

What do you want, Toni?

Just saying hello to your husband.
Being nice.

There's no law against that, is
there?

You've got some sh*t in your hair.
I'll be in the Audi.

It's... it's flame retardant foam.

I've been doing some street theatre.

Don't mind her. It's hormones.

What's wrong with everyone?
Oh, search me.

All right, yeah. Arm's up. Spread
'em.

Whoa! Go easy on me, chief.

Shall we make it a strip search?
Would you like that?

Well, I'd better head... Yeah.

Stuff to do. Course. Stuff. Yeah.

See you around, big fella.

This was nice.

Nailed it.

Excuse me. Can you help me, miss?

What are you doing?

MUSIC: Unholy by Sam Smith

# Mummy don't know daddy's getting
hot, at the body shop

# Doing something unholy #

# A lucky, lucky girl, she got
married to a boy like you

# She'd kick you out if she ever,
ever knew

# Bout all the BLEEP you tell me that
you do

# Dirty, dirty boy, you know everyone
is talking on the scene

# I hear them whispering 'bout the
places that you've been

# And how you don't know how to keep
your business clean

# Mummy don't know daddy's getting
hot, at the body shop

# Doing something unholy

# He's sat back while she's dropping
it, she be popping it

# Yeah, she put it down slowly

# Oh-ee-oh-ee-oh, he left his kids at

# h*-ee-oh-ee-ome, so he can get that

# Mummy don't know daddy's getting
hot, at the body shop

# Doing something unholy. #

TANNOY DING-DONGS
Clean up, aisle four.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah? Toni Callaghan?

Damn straight. Who's this calling me
up, all sexy?

This is Mr Jarvis, Grace's head
teacher.

Oh. God. Oh, OK. Erm...

How are you? Are you all right?
Business good?

Grace is fine, but we do need you to
come in later.

There was an incident.

In? Why? What? What's happened to
Grace?

I can't get into it over the phone.
See you shortly. Oh.

DANE: I've got a surprise for you.

And I've got one for you.

Oh, centurion vibes!

MUSIC: Pony by Ginuwine

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

We've got no condoms.

If you get me pregnant,

I'll get a soldering iron and I'll
peri-peri your bollocks myself.

I'll go down the chemist.

Da. Jake'll be home any minute.

What about in the drawer
the batteries are in?

No, I cleared that out last month.

I'll go check the bathroom.

Where'd you find those?

That box of Ashley's stuff.

Dane, not our baby girl's condoms.

It's either that or this.

# Yeah, yeah, my saddle's waiting,
yeah, yeah

# Come and jump on it. #

I left Jacks sobbing in the cells.

Feel free to gloat.

Or is gloating a construct too?

On the contrary, I wish I was wrong
about the world, Rana,

but I never am.

Well, you're wrong about one thing,
that jumper.

What you undercover as?
The nineties?

My granny made me this.

POLICE RADIO: Attention all units.

Suspicious activity reported in
parked vehicle, Vicki Docks.

Cometh the dusk, cometh the doggers.

Doggers? No chance.

There's nothing sexy about Vicki
Docks. It's got a bandstand.

Depravity knows no bounds, Rana.

Not in Hull.

The thing about Hull...

Oh, Pickles, you know, you've been
here a week.

You know nothing about Hull.

On the contrary. My fresh eyes see
the city's true face.

Take me to Victoria Park and I'll
demonstrate.

Fine, is your seatbelt on? No.

Poor Grace. It's all the house and
baby stuff.

It's just getting to her.

We'll talk to her. Sort it all out.

So, what happened?

Ms Callaghan. Let's hear your side
of it.

Well, I wasn't there.

You're denying the accusation?

What accusation?

The "unwanted cupping of
a buttock".

Grace cupped a buttock?

No, Ms Callaghan did.

Oh, Toni.

Oh, that? Jeez! That, that was
nothing,

Craig, I was just, getting my flirt
on,

cos I'm the flirt master.

Whose buttock did you cup?
Rod. Why Rod?

Cos he was there. Oh, mate!

What are our options?

We could keep it inside the school.

Oh, yeah, cos you know it won't hold
up in court.

Where's your evidence?

Anyway, seriously Craig, he was
asking for it.

Don't say that, Toni.

Ms Callaghan would need to take our
course in respect, though.

It's taught by puppets.

Terrific fun, but very informative.

You can do that, right, Tone?

Oh, I'm not taking a course. You have
no jurisdiction over me.

Craig, let's go.

This is a kangaroo court. They can't
handle the truth.

Ms Callaghan, please think about
the example you're setting Grace.

I'm thinking, thinking it's a
brilliant example.

I'm teaching her to stick it to
the man.

Sorry to interrupt, Grace sprayed
Tommy with a fire extinguisher.

It's what Mummy did to Daddy.

I'd like to speak to my lawyer.

GROANING

It gives me no pleasure to prove you
wrong, Rana.

Really, cos I'm getting quite a smug
vibe.

Behold the true face of Hull.

It's coming.

Police.

Don't sh**t. We're not criminals.
We're in English Heritage.

Gloria?

What are you doing here?

Yeah. Glor's a whizz with my sticky
zipper.

I don't have the knack.

Ah!

Medic.

I told him to take it back, but he
was so sold on the colour.

Hands up who loves maroon.

What brings you to this notorious
dogging location?

We were on a bat walk.

It's a pipistrelle hot spot.

They weren't dogging. They were
batting.

Guilty as charged.

I'm the Batman.

And I'm his Lady Robin.

Right, well.

No vigilantism though, you two, this
isn't Leeds.

Received and understood, Constable.

Good.

Would you care for a coffee, officer?

There's plenty of Mellow Birds in
the Thermos.

Aww. Isn't that's a lovely offer,
eh, Constable Pickles?

I suppose so.

I'll get my Dundee Cake out.

Behold the true face of Hull.

Oh, God, that were.

I mean.

We got that oil everywhere,
didn't we.

Yeah, we did.

Yeah.

Where's your phone?

Google "oil and condoms" will you

Oil and Condoms.

"Using oil and condoms damages
the latex, causing it to break".

Get your chuddies back on.
We're going Boots.

To be fair, it's a very moist cake.

Not such a bad eight hours, after
all'

It were passable.

So, what you gonna do now then?

Bath, poetry, and Long Dark Night
Of The Soul?

You been reading my diary?

See you tomorrow, Pickles.

Oh, and Pickles?

Yeah?

That jumper's all right, actually.
Your granny's got good taste.

Right, I bought Jake a burger,

gave him his Nintendo and cracked a
window.

Bought a pack of 80. That should
last us the month.



Our sex drive gonna eat us
out of house and home.

Well, we could cut back? Bank
Holidays and weekends only?

That's no life, Dane.

I'll book an IUD appointment.
I'll book a vasectomy.

Double bagging. Safest way.

Martin Lewis'd be proud.
You all right?

How can I help? I need the Morning
After Pill.

When did the incident occur?

Four o'clock, today,

and then about 4.10ish.



and then about 5?

Don't forget the, er...

Oh, yeah.

That one would have been about
quarter past 5?

There or thereabouts.

Gloria.

Paula.

We saw you in the DIY shop.
Huge fans.

Could I book you for my seventieth?

Whose turn is it now, Fuzzy?

It's Toni's turn.

Toni, can you tell Fuzzy what
respect means?

You've got this, Tone.

It means not spraying people with...

That's OK, I'm gonna take this one.

Respect means...

Ah! Tell Fuzzy.

Well, Fuzzy, respect means treating
people how you want to be treated.

That's right, Toni. High five.

Great job, Toni.

You girls have done brilliantly.

Who wants a sticker?

That was so informative, Amber, you
have a real gift for puppetry.

Thank you. You know, I'm always
looking for new trainers,

if you're interested.

Oh, definitely.

I'll give you my email.

Oh, Fuzzy wants my email, Craig.