01x08 - Family Matters

[bunniefuu]

"Glow Up with Kris"
has just been nominated

for a Poddy Award.
- Oh.

I did it!
I did it!

I don't wanna win
the award with you.

I don't want anything
to do with you.

I want it, okay?

Because it's my brainchild.

I'm anxious, I'm bloated.

I can't sleep.

You might possibly
be in perimenopause.

♪ No! ♪

Got no libido.

And when I do have sex,
it feels like razor blades.

I could give up
the P in V sex,

but I'm not sure that
my husband Pete can.

You told your entire
podcast audience

that you do not wanna
have sex with me?

What?

You have no boundaries!

I don't have anyone
to talk to at home.

I'm alone.

Julie?
Is Julie here?

Kris.

Yeah, I need to talk to you.

Well, I've got something
to say to you.

You have no idea
what you have done.

Wait a second.

I know why I'm angry,
why are you angry?

Ah, because you left that
personal stuff with Saffron

in the podcast.

Oh and you think I left in

that really embarrassing
confession about Pete

and our sex life?

Oh yeah, that
doesn't make sense.

Okay, fine.
Then if you didn't leave it in,

I didn't leave it in,
who left it in?

I did.
Oh, you guys,

that episode was so
incredible and messy.

I knew it would go viral.

Cha ching.

Ugh. What's wrong?

This episode has more downloads
than anything you've aired.

You should be happy.

And thank me.

You released that episode
without our consent.

That was private stuff

that was never supposed
to go in the episode.

You know what?

I am the Managing
Director of Podcast Folx

and I am the one who
brought you two together.

I should get the Poddy Award.

I edit the episodes.
Not you.

You wanted a podcast about
honesty and connection

and you did it and it
was great, right?

Everyone loved it!

Yeah, everyone
except our families!

Oh God, yeah,
I can't hear you.

The office is a sound vortex.

Yeah?

Well, can you hear this?
- Oh.

Yeah, that's gonna be in stereo!

♪ I feel it all,
I feel it all ♪

♪ I FEEL IT ALLLLLLLLL!!! ♪

Pete still isn't
answering my calls.

It's been almost a week.

Is he ever gonna forgive me?

Yeah.
Saffron still won't talk to me.

How long do you think

she's gonna live
with her dad?

Give her some time and space.

She'll come around.

You've given Pete time.

How the f*ck is that
working out for ya?

Julie, we need to be active.

Okay, okay, but to be fair,

it's an entirely
different thing.

We are married,

so I have legal custody of Pete.

Ugh!
And the Poddy Awards are tonight.

I don't give a g*dd*mn sh*t

about the nominations, okay?

I just care about
my daughter.

So you do whatever you
wanna do with Pete,

you g*dd*mn weirdo.

'Cause I actually

have a plan to
get Saffron back.

Does it involve mooning?

No.
You know what?

I'm gonna do even better.

I'm gonna meet her
exactly where she's at.

Yes!

At school?
Because honestly,

that didn't work out
so well the last time.

I am not gonna meet
her at school, Julie.

I've learned my lesson.

I'm not gonna embarrass

my little girl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where you going?

I've gotta get a broom,

I've gotta get a pointy hat,

and I've gotta get an IUD.

Oh, I have a
doctor's appointment.

It's a Band-Aid solution
to the bleeding.

Gotta say, riding a bike
right after getting an IUD

might not be the wisest.

I'll drive you.

So we'll be back in
time for the awards.

Shotgun!
I got my hand up first.

And we just have to stop
off and see Saffron.

Mm, I think I'll wait
in the car this time.

Jesus, Mom!

Look, it's me.

I'm giving you time and space

and I'm meeting you
where you're at,

'cause I'm a witch.
Look at me. Yay.

Yeah, I can see that.

Listen, Saffron,
I'm really sorry

that I didn't tell
you the truth.

Mom, you never
tell me the truth.

Is that why you didn't
tell me about your period?

'Cause I wanted you
to know how it feels.

Listen, listen to me.

I didn't tell you about all
the doctor's appointments

because I didn't
wanna scare you.

I wanted to protect you.

Not telling me is
a lot more scary.

I just think the worst.

I'm so sorry.

You know what?
You want the truth?

You are coming
with me right now

to the doctor's appointment.
- What?

Yeah, I'll explain
in Julie's car.

Let's go!

Only because I get
to miss biology.

Catch up! I'm flying!

Hey.
I have an event later.

So...

Woowee! Somebody's
looking casket sharp!

Jamila...
- Uh huh.

You wouldn't happen to know how
to tie a bow tie, would you?

Actually, I do.
- Oh.

My daddy owned a
funeral parlour.

Keep still.

It's a little tight.

I'm not used to doing
this on somebody

who could actually move.

There he is.

Hey, Michael.

Michael, what is the occasion?

Well, the Poddy Awards
are today,

and I have two tickets,

so I'll be taking Evan.

Aren't those tickets
for Kris and Julie?

Ah, it's just for
the top brass, right?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, I would take
them but it's sold out.

And I wanna be there
when I beat Amanda King.

You know, she used
to work for me?

Yeah.

Yeah, she left to
start her own business.

An independent woman.
How disgusting.

After everything I
taught her with the-

You're being sarcastic.

Would I do that?

Well, I agree with you, Michael.
A hundred percent.

Ugh, Judas.

Yeah. See?
This is why I promoted him.

But also because
of my work ethic.

Yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, this is Sharon.
She's my new mate.

My mom's a lot.

She's fun though.

Uh, I can see the
family resemblance.

I wear it better.

It's Pete.

Hello?

Jules, look, I had
a little accident.

I'm at the fire training facility.
I need you

I'm on my way.

Pete needs me.
I gotta go.

Okay. Good luck.

I'll take care of my mom.
Go.

Okay. Bye.

Pete? Oh.

Pete? Do you know?
Okay.

Oh Pete, can you hear me?

Don't die while you're
still mad at me!

I'm fine.

You don't look fine.

I just twisted my ankle
earlier, that's all.

All right.
During a training exercise.

That's why I called you.

All right?
I can't drive.

So I figure if you
gimme a ride home,

I'll get the car later.

Wha-what's all this then?

Oh, sorry.

While I'm outta commission,
the guys figured

they'd run me through
another training exercise.

You know, brush up
on their skills.

That's it.

Jesus Christ, you
scared the sh*t out of me!

Hmm.
Well, I'm sorry.

So this is where you've
been spending all your time?

This is where the
training happens.

Pretty cool, huh?

Kinda is, yeah.

Well, here, let me
introduce you to the guys.

Oh, are these the guys
that heard the last podcast?

Oh, they're over that.

Earlier today, one
of the new guys

slid down the fire pole
with his shorts on.

Everyone here is just busy
calling him "thigh burns."

I would've gone
with "fire crotch."

Oh my God, that's way better.

Guys, how 'bout
"fire crotch" for Eddie?

I see why you like it here.

He cried earlier.

Well, Michael and
Evan are nincompoops.

What would you like
me to do about it?

We have to stop them from
stealing the spotlight

from Julie and Kris.

I just don't wanna
get involved.

It's too late,
you're already involved.

So I'll call Julie,
you call Kris.

Ooh, as much as
I would love to,

Kris isn't really
talking to me right now.

Why, 'cause you had a little
smoochie-smooch, got scared,

changed your mind and cut
it off in a hot second?

How did you-

You got your magic,
I got mine.

Shambala.

Let's scooch down a little.

Scooch it like
you mean it.

Bring it towards me, come on.

There we go.

Alright, I'm gonna
start the procedure now.

You might feel a little pinch.

Okay.

Ah, okay, okay.

That was just, that wasn't,

that was more than a pinch.
Whew!

You gotta stay still.

It's gonna be some discomfort,
but that's totally normal.

I heard that before.

Ah, sorry. I'll, yes.

You know what?
I got something for ya.

Just hold onto that,

squeeze it and then you
will be able to relax.

Okay.

I can take the pain.
I can take the pain.

Can you?

Ah, I can feel it it's
scraping my cervix

all the way up my throat.

It's sharp.

Women are praised
for taking the pain.

Did you have a natural birth?

Yes I did.
No drugs.

That's amazing.

I was shamed for a C-section.

Gotta prioritize
a doctor's needs.

Yeah, take it.

I can take it.
I can't, I can't, I can't take it.

I can't take it.

Alright. Alright, let's,
uh, try again another day.

Or not.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna leave
you to get dressed.

Firefighters make
really good hot chocolate.

I know.

Hey, Pete.

I'm sorry about the podcast.

Are we still friends?

Always.

Hey, listen, um,
about the P in V stuff.

I-I could live without it.

Really?

We can always do other stuff.

Or not do stuff at all.

Is this because
I said it hurts?

Partly. Like I, obviously
I never wanna hurt you,

but, you know, doing
stuff is a lot of work.

Sometimes I just wanna
watch Bake Off, you know?

Yeah. Hmm.

You know what I,

I think I wanna keep doing
the work to make it work or,

or to make it less work.

Is that okay?

Yeah, of course.
Obviously.

Just not tonight.
I'm exhausted.

Excuse me? Julie?

Oh, this is Grace.

Our instructor.

I just came over to say,

I listened to your podcast
with Peaches and I loved it.

Oh.

I've also been experiencing
awful night sweats.

Oh my God,
they're the worst, right?

It's like this whole
second puberty

that nobody tells you about.

Can you imagine not
telling kids about puberty?

Yes, that's literally
what my parents did.

Right. Sorry.

Hey, the boys wanna put you
in a full body cast in ten.

Hello?

Julie, you need to get your
a*s back into the office asap.

Something came up.
Why? What's happening?

Uh, the Poddy Awards.

Mo?

Hi, I'm involved.

Michael just stole your tickets
and is taking Evan

sh*t.

Yeah, and we can't
get ahold of Kris.

Okay, you know what?

I know where she is.
I will grab her.

I'm gonna come with you.
- Yeah.

I don't want to go
in a full body cast.

No, that's a good idea.

You have a lot of body hair.
Let's go.

So how'd it go?

Great.

Oh no, we're not gonna
do that anymore.

We're gonna tell
each other stuff.

I didn't have the IUD
because it was too painful.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know, but I do
know that I am so tired

of not having answers
to my questions

and I'm really, really tired
of people trying to tell me

that my period and
pain are normal.

Is the pain worse
than cramps?

Do you have cramps, babe?

Here, here, I got some
ibuprofen in my cauldron.

Mom's got her gel nails on,

can you get that top off?

You know, uh, pain and cramps

is totally normal
in a girl her age.

Honey, hold my cauldron.

What did you say?

I just said that pain and
cramps is completely normal.

If you try and normalize
my little girl's pain,

I'm gonna take a page
outta Julie's book

and I'm gonna wear your
ba*ls as a necklace.

But first I'm gonna
frigging dip them in oil

and I'm gonna
light them on fire!

Sharon, call security.

I'm super busy.

You must be Kris.

Oh my God, Pete.
- Hi.

Nice to properly meet you.

Oh, okay. I think maybe we
should save the intros

for later.

Let's go.

She's dressed up like a witch,
like a wit-

usic]

Where's Michael and Evan?

Girl, you're a day
late and a dime short.

They left already.

I am not getting
skipped again.

No one's getting skipped.

We're all going and we're
stopping Evan and Michael.

Yes we are.

Jamila, what time
is our category up?

In exactly one hour.

Okay, that's not much time.

We don't have any tickets!

Ah, no problem.
I have a plan.

But first, we need the
Glow Up of all Glow Ups.

We gotta go in there
looking badass.

Can you do it?

Yeah, I can.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna
need a few things.

♪ When I get mad

♪ And I get pissed

♪ I grab my pen

♪ And I write out a list

♪ Of all the people

♪ That won't be missed

♪ You've made my shitlist ♪

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

What?

You're starting your period.

Oh! Now body, are you kidding
me with this right now?

Everybody, you
stick to the plan!

Won't say another word.

Okay, run, everybody,
go, go, go, go!

Julie, I'm gonna meet
you in the bathroom.

We better move now, honey.

You better go.
Okay.

Time is not our friend.

Here's the plan.

First step,

we need to get past security.

It's magic time.

Mo, we need you to
create a distraction.

Prepare to be amazed!

Shambala.

I'm a magician.

I was doing a magic trick!

If we win, we need to make
sure we get to the stage first.

While Chelsey
takes care of Evan...

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

No, no, not that.

Better.

But even a drunk
can accept an award.

This has gotta be airtight.

Robyn, stop Evan.

Larry, make friends with
the sound department.

And Jamila, the big
boss is all yours.

Oh my God.

I found it in the cloakroom.

It really was the
best I can do.

I promise we will
make this work.

You look like a...

Dry vag*na.

You know what?
Gimme a spin.

Yeah, you do.

And the nominees for
best new podcast are:

Blow Up with Kris.

Where the hell are they?

I can fix this.

It's great. Fine.

Just a little pop of colour.

Look what I got from
the lost and found.

No, no.
Oh, no, no, no, Kris, no.

Yes.
- Oh, I hate you, oh!

I love you.

And the winner of
best new podcast is:

Glow Up with Kris!

Yes!

There it is.

Yes! I knew it.

We gotta go!

Congratulations.

Who would've thought that
the ladies would win?

I want to thank you.
It's such an honour.

Thank you.

I got this. I got this.
- Okay.

Wow. Totally unexpected.

Uh, I do want to thank
all the other nominees

for not being up here.

I'd like to also it's like a,
um, I think...

Can they?

Is there something
wrong with the mic?

Testing, one, two.

Thank you.

Glow up with Kris.
Here's Kris.

Go for it, Julie.

Ah. Ahhhh, wow.

This is actually literally
my worst nightmare, um,

standing in front of you

dressed like a space priestess.

But I realize now that that's
because I judged my aunt

who dresses like this,
really harshly.

I thought she'd given up and
I realize now she's free.

And actually this is
quite comfortable.

Uh, I, um, I turned 50 this
year and I hit menopause

and I really thought
that my life was over.

Um, but I realize now that
it's the start of something

pretty great.

And, um, I think I have
you to thank for that, Kris.

Perimenopause!

I'm in it!

I mean, Julie
forced me into it,

but here I am.

Yeah, I think, I think
your body did that.

I love you, Julie.

Oh, yeah.

No, I mean, I really love you.

Also, I-I love hormones.

That's right, I love 'em.

Also, I love period blood.

Yeah! Yeah, I mean,
I don't love 27 days of it.

Hey, that's a, that's a lot
of stuff happening down there.

Also, I don't think I love
the menopause medical system.

That could use some work.

Dr. Kent, I'm looking at you!

Okay, I think what we're
trying to say is that-

We love middle-aged vaginas.

Yeah?

You know what
I'm talking about?

Hands up if you've got one.

Yeah?
Put your hands up.

Let me see it.

Get 'em up in the air.

Lemme see it.

Hands up if you love them.

That's right.

Hands up if you've got one.

I wanna see your hands.

Yeah, actually, so I think
maybe we do a new podcast,

kind of like our last episode
where we talk about menopause

and tell the truth about it,

and but we're not
blowing up our families.

So in conclusion,
thank you very much.

We'd like to thank our
wonderful colleagues

at the Podcast Folx,
you guys rock!

And we'd like to thank the
person who helped us the most.

Evan Vandergrift.

Who brought us together
in the first place.

Evan, this is for you.

Thank you.

Seriously?

Yeah.
- Oh. Oh my God.

Um, wow, um, thank you.

I'm not done.
I'm not finished.

Kris. Kris. Kris!

Hi.
- Hi.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks.
How did you get in here?

Magique.

Um, I made a terrible mistake

and I just wanna say
that I think I can-

Mo, Mo, I think that you
are a wonderful magician,

but I just don't
think it's our time.

I'll see you around.

Yep.
See you around.

See ya.

Julie and Kris.

Hey.

I don't remember approving
any new podcasts, did I?

Well, you know, Michael,
if you've seen the numbers

for the Peaches episode,
you'd actually see this-

Oh, Amanda.
- Michael.

Hi.

Well, I see you won one,
two, three, four, five.

Five of your nine nominations.

Whereas we won a hundred
percent of ours.

Of the one you were
nominated for.

I just wanted to say-

Hi. Amanda. Hi.

Hi.

From Queen of Kings Studios.

I was blown away by
what you said up there.

Oh.

And I think your idea for
the podcast could be huge.

I'd like you to think about
coming to do it with me

instead of with
the Podcast Folx.

We are a woman run,
woman owned studio.

Yeah, you'd both
love it there.

Think about it.

Thank you.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.
Throw that out.

Hey.
- Michael.

Hey Michael, um....

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah, we should
leave Podcast Folx.

I wanna f*ck her.

I mean, what you
were thinking.

Definitely what
you were thinking.

Well, we got her
number either way.

♪ I'm a b*mb

♪ Exploding and
trying to hold it in

♪ I'm a b*mb
underwater, screaming ♪