01x04 - She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not

[bunniefuu]

What is love?

Ma'am, actually…

Ma'am, our app has

a special post-COVID offer going on.

You missed your chance, Gurdeep.

The correct answer is,

"Baby, don't hur--"

Never mind. You won't get it.

So, I was saying that if you take

our premium subscription, ma'am, then…

I'll find out when, how,

and why love happens, right?

Ma'am, actually…

Let it go. Just delete my account.

Ma'am, on today's special occasion,

we're offering you a special discount.

Hold on a second. What special occasion?

Happy birthday, Sweetu!

Come on, Mom!

Next time you call me "Sweetu,"

I'll jump out of the window. I swear.

It's the first floor.

The terrace would be better.

The keys are hanging on the door.

Happy birthday.

These are your favorite colors, right?

I saw it on Facebook.

Mom, will you please

stop cyberstalking me?

No.

-Mom!

-You can't celebrate without sweets.

Okay, now go to sleep.

Or else say hi to the one

you haven't said bye to yet.

Listen, you're not going

to work tomorrow, right?

I told you she'll come.

Give me 500 rupees.

Here, have a blast.

And you… What's your problem, dude?

You never missed a class in school, right?

Some people are dedicated since childhood.

You wouldn't understand.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Namrata!

Look at this new app I found.

Only for Bandra peeps. It's exclusive.

Birthdays are basically designed

to make people feel alone,

which is ironic in my case.

The only difference is,

either I feel alone at home,

or in this crowded office.

Hi, I'm Muskaan.

It's my 23rd birthday today,

and my fourth anniversary of being single.

Just for the record, I'm not available.

I see chances of that happening.

Vandita! I mailed you the copy last night.

I really wish you hadn't.

Ruined my mood early in the morning.

Anyway, we needn't worry.

Tarasha's joining us from today.

Muskaan, you're gonna be

her point of contact for this first week.

Ma'am, me?

Vandita, how did you manage to poach her

from Head-On? I've heard she's a shark.

I have heard she's kinda weird.

She won the Young Lion

at Cannes last year, guys.

Have you ever even won a local award?

That's no guarantee of talent, though.

She apparently got into WayStart

because the NCD was her uncle.

Ma'am?

Ma'am, can't someone else, you know…

Talking to someone new never

k*lled anyone, Muskaan. Try it sometime.

Except for the victims of serial K*llers.

Stop staring, Muskaan!

-Hey, stare if you want, man!

-No, I…

If hypocrisy was an Olympic sport,

we'd definitely win a gold medal.

Are you making a pitch

or a case for harassment?

I'm throwing the pitch out of the window.

We want to sell alcohol.

And we're making an ad

for mineral water and CDs!

This is next level dumbfuckery.

If we can't mention alcohol,

just say it's not allowed.

People should take the hint.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Vandita, give us two days, we'll…

Get the hint!

Yes! Exactly. Get the hint!

I can think of three 30-seconders

just off the top of my head.

Listen, you can't just do that--

Okay. Tarasha, I hired you because

we want to shake things up. Run with it.

You rework your pitch.

In three days, we'll circle back to it.

Keep it as a backup.

Choose a team.

Her. I like her.

What? But I don't even work copy.

I am art…

Good.

And here's the irony.

Hi, I'm Muskaan.

I'm 23, and I'm bisexual.

Which basically doubles my chances

of heartbreak from the people around me.

You wrote half the slogan, just like that.

I was just translating

what you said, ma'am.

"Ma'am"? That's for my mom.

You're new, right?

Otherwise, you'd take the credit.

By the way, why are we

still following social distancing?

Actually, I don't like smoke.

Man, you should have told me before!

It's a filthy habit.

Maybe this is a good excuse to quit.

Happy birthday!

Has the default cheap

and terrible "office cake" arrived yet?

Man. I hope they forgot. I really do.

Fat chance.

Birthday girl! Cake cutting time!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Muskaan

Happy birthday to you

How old are you now?

-It's eggless. So no stress.

-Thanks.

-Are you a vegetarian?

-No.

Eggless cake and veg biryani…

Two things that prove that God is dead.

Happy birthday!

All this cake wanted was to be

on your face. And you fulfilled its wish.

The cake thanks you.

Actually, humanity thanks you!

Or someone would have to eat it.

I want her on my face.

Muskaan, you pervert! Control!

Stalking got an unnecessarily

bad reputation thanks to Hollywood.

But here, stalking

is a rich, ancient tradition.

If you like a girl,

pursue her relentlessly.

Shahrukh stalked her in her kitchen!

I'm just stalking her Insta.

She's g*y!

g*y, g*y, g*y!

Game… I am so game

to have some sweets, Mom!

Why don't you make some?

Honey, I've told you so many times

not to drink in your room alone.

So funny!

Food is ready, come down quick.

She's g*y.

g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y

She's g*y

You know what's worse

than falling for someone straight?

Falling for someone q*eer

who's out of your league.

Pro, I have boobs.

Con, hers are better.

Pro…

I have a pretty great sense of humor.

Con, she won't know

unless I send her a joke every day.

Pro, she likes girls.

Con, so do I, but no one knows that.

Including her.

f*ck.

Plan GayWay is a go.

Bro, how do you wear jeans in this city?

Doesn't it feel suffocating?

It's so f*cking hot!

I mean, the shirt's pretty comfortable.

Balances out.

I'm taking you shopping next week.

No flannels, no shirt! What the f*ck?

Should I come wearing a flag tomorrow?

Shall we go for a walk?

We should check if the world's

still spinning out there. It's 5:00 a.m.!

Yes.

You know what we need this morning?

Yes, but that's still not legal here.

-Alcohol will do, right?

-Come on!

Market research, dude.

We need to know what we are selling!

Can we get some?

Don't laugh, Mom doesn't know I drink!

If she finds out, she'll m*rder me!

Lord have mercy on me!

I'll have to steal from Dad's stock.

Heist!

Nice!

Yes, Professor.

-Let's go!

-Let's go!

We need code names.

My code name will be… Vishakhapatnam.

And yours will be…

Ritsar!

-Amritsar!

-Ritsar!

Wanna have some tea?

Brother, two cups of tea, please.

Strong! It's okay if you add rum, too!

Here you are.

-Cheers!

-Cheers!

There's an office party on Friday, right?

It's the monthly party,

but I won't attend.

Muskaan, my love,

lying and fashion, you can't do either.

But fear not,

'cause beyond fear, lies Manjeet!

He was my first and last boyfriend.

Don't ask.

Bartender, one more!

Cheers!

-Drinks are here. Here you go.

-Yes.

-Hallelujah!

-Here for you.

No, man. I'm done. Thanks, though.

In two years, this is the third time

you've come out with us.

Thanks, guys. Seriously, though, I'm done.

Okay, your wish.

Don't be boring, Muskaan.

It's the 21st century, Namrata.

Don't you know no means no?

What exactly

is your problem with me, Tarasha?

Why are you always

in this f*cking firebrand mode?

Why don't you chill a little?

Man, go back inside.

I need this right now.

What you think you need

isn't always good for you.

-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

Thank you for not saying, "For what?"

I hate it when people fake modesty.

No, I know I'm pretty awesome.

f*ck!

Okay, listen. Listen to me now.

We're gonna help you

ground yourself, okay?

Look around you.

Tell me five things that you can see.

Trust me.

Those lights.

That uncle.

Couple.

A dog.

You.

Good!

Now four things that you can hear.

Close your eyes.

Waves crashing.

Airplane.

Glasses clinking.

The music inside.

Good. You're safe, you're totally safe!

I'm right here.

Thanks.

I've had a long relationship with anxiety.

I know how it gets.

I used to date Namrata.

Oh, God! No!

My ex was… Is also called Namrata.

That's my problem with her!

I know I'm shallow.

She used to call me a firebrand, because…

It was our thing.

But she was the one

who put me through fire.

In three years,

she must have been honest with me thrice.

And then, making fun of me

in front of people…

Abuse…

She wanted to control me.

Isn't that what

all abuse is about, though?

Control.

I'm so sorry.

Can I say something to you?

You don't look like someone

who'd take things lying down.

Never judge a l*sbian by her cover.

And then people say,

"Oh, God, you're so lucky!"

"Women understand women so much better!"

Dude, dumbfuckery is universal.

Whether it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

So, now,

this is the new, improved Tarasha 2.0,

who would never let

someone treat her like this.

Never.

Okay, enough. Done.

I much preferred you

when you were hero-worshipping me.

Also, this memory will self-destruct in…

three, two, one… Poof!

Thank you. I really needed that.

Plan GayWay, aborted.

Why?

'Cause there's a sensitive woman

behind the no-nonsense,

in-your-face mask,

who needs a friend right now.

-Hi!

-Hey.

Okay, so…

Break? Coffee instead of a cigarette.

I'm trying.

Actually, I need to

finish this sketch today.

You go ahead.

What? I'm trying to move on, okay?

It's not easy.

f*ck off!

-Hi! Can you drop me home?

-Hi!

Actually, I need to pick up my mom.

-Bye.

-Cool, bye.

Next time, I'll knock.

There's a Tarasha from work downstairs.

Come.

It's all your fault.

Because of you,

we're stuck in a traffic jam…

Go home, assholes! It's midnight!

What have I done?

You know.

The traffic's not going anywhere.

Neither am I.

The plan was to go to the beach

and have "the talk." But f*ck that.

You know what I hated

the most about Namrata?

It wasn't the abuse. That, I got used to.

It was this passive aggressive silent

treatment bullshit she had going on.

Wouldn't talk for days at a stretch.

Such f*cking bullshit.

Listen.

You don't like me back,

just f*cking tell me!

I wouldn't slit my hand

and write your name in blood.

You're a friend first. That's it!

My feelings are my problem, not yours.

Just because we're the two office q*eers

doesn't mean we have to get together, no?

You like me?

No, this is a kidnapping!

You know I'm q*eer?

Lies and fashion, remember!

Listen. One-sided love sucks, but…

You're literally my only friend in office,

and I don't want to lose you.

So let's forget this ever happened.

You like me?

Now you're just being an as*h*le!

I like you, too, Tarasha.

-You like me?

-Yes.

Then why were you letting me

blabber on for so long?

-It was funny.

-b*stard!

Wait. Did we just tell each other we like

each other in the middle of traffic?

This conversation happens on rooftops

and on the beach only in Bollywood movies.

Real life is this!

Traffic, pollution, and love.

In any case,

Bollywood wouldn't get this love story.

The beach.

That was… different.

Wait! Is this the first time

you kissed a girl?