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02x10 - memento mori

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Flatbush Misdemeanors". Aired: May 23, 2021 – August 21, 2022.*
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A raw and grounded comedy about city life, the show follows Dan and Kevin, who play characters struggling to thrive in their new surroundings in the brash environment of Flatbush, Brooklyn.

02x10 - memento mori

Post by bunniefuu »

There's a $50,000 cash prize,

a chance to exhibit at LACMA in L.A.

"Your final assignment is open-ended.

Paint in whatever style you desire.

The painting must be

an expression of self."

It's either we leave it

with this crackhead,

or we give it to Drew.

Just trying to stay away from this sh*t,

but this is crazy.

I need you to hold this for a minute.

All right, bro.

Bro, they almost caught me

with this sh*t

at the fellowship, man.

I can't keep it on me no more.

It need to stay here.

Look, I only need a week.

Won't nobody even know it's here.

You know, they could've

kicked both of us out

if they caught you with that?

You're a f*cking idiot.

Oh, yeah, first day here, Dan comes in,

he tells some story about how

he named someone to his boss,

and then his boss got that guy

arrested, and guess what.

You're that guy, Drew.

Daddy?

What? You're not gonna give me a hug?

- Yeah.

- Come here, girl.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't believe you're here.

Wait. Did you break out?

Yeah. They-they didn't call yet,

did they?

- No.

- No, I didn't break out.

I'm free. They granted me parole.

- I wanted to surprise you.

- Oh, it's lit!

Yeah.

- This is all you, huh?

- Yeah.

- It's beautiful.

- Are you hungry?

I know you must be tired

of all that jail food.

Um

Ooh! I got some leftover pasta.

Mmm.

Let me get you a fork.

Oh, that can wait.

I'm not that hungry after, you know

So

I'm so happy you're here! Like

- So am I.

- We should celebrate.

We should go to Kings Plaza.

Actually, I think I want you

to meet some of my friends.

Or maybe you should come with me tonight

to my play.

- That's tonight?

- Mm-hmm.

I'm there.

Uh

- I have to see my P.O. first.

- Okay.

I just got a new job,

and it pays really good.

Look at you. You just got out,

and already you got a job?

It's lit, Dad.

'Cause Drew, he ain't have a job

in like, what, ten years?

Yeah.

Well, you know

that job is gonna pay

for my housing upstate.

- Upstate?

- It's gonna be great.

We'll be out of the city.

I'll get you a car.

You're gonna love it.

- Trust me.

- Um

Well, wait. Y-You want me to

go with you?

- Till you finish high school.

- Um

I don't think, uh, Drew can move

yet, though, with his case.

Zayna, look, everything's

gonna be okay, all right?

I'll talk to Drew.

Everything's gonna

work itself out, I promise.

You are about to

witness history in the making.

f*ck this n*gga think I am?

Yo, Blue, I swear to God.

I wanted k*ll that n*gga Dan

right there,

but all those f*cking people

was watching.

I got to do something to this n*gga.

I don't know about that, bro.

You cannot just k*ll

white people anymore, bro.

We ain't there yet.

If he was Black

I mean, sh*t, bro,

but you got to be smart about this one.

Man, f*ck that. It's code.

That n*gga got to go.

Bro, he a civilian.

He don't live by the same code.

And he probably

already called the cops again,

and you got a case.

f*ck, I'm supposed

to let the n*gga walk?

I'm not saying all that.

You get the drugs from the bike shop?

And that's another f*cking issue.

I know how I'm-a get the drugs

and those two dickheads.

Yeah. I need you to watch the bike shop.

Shh.

Damn, man, where the f*ck that sh*t go?

Dr. Flowers, thanks for reaching

out. You-you got my message?

I don't have time for this.

n*gga, I'm at a silent retreat.

I don't know why you got involved

with those street n*gg*s.

I can't protect you.

But isn't it, like, a law

that therapists have to

protect their clients from danger

and violence if they hear about it?

No. I have to protect people

if you say you're gonna m*rder them,

like you some Mafia

- or some sh*t.

- Okay, well, that, uh,

that rule makes no sense.

Why would you protect a stranger

more than your own patient

who's not Mafia?

Patient? n*gga, I ain't seen

your a*s in months.

Remember? "Dr. Flowers, I'm okay.

"Me and my drug friends, we

kicking it." Look what happened.

I don't sound like that.

Look, can you just warn someone

I'm gonna get k*lled?

Can you report it? Can you do something?

No, I can't.

Now, if you want,

you can get this drug n*gga

to become my patient,

and then he can tell me

he's gonna k*ll you,

and then guess what.

I'll tell somebody.

No, I I'm sorry,

that's too many steps.

Hey, but give yourself credit, Dan.

You don't need pills

to be a f*ck anymore.

You're a sober f*ck now.

Congratulations, n*gga.

And, n*gga, don't forget

to pay me, okay?

It's BallerinaBitch7@Venmo.

Yeah.

Son, what's the emergency?

- Drew wants to k*ll me.

- Again?

Damn.

I'm starting to think Drew has a point.

No, he thinks I snitched

on him to the cops.

- Well, did you?

- No. It-it was more indirect.

I don't know. It was a whole

f*cking thing at school.

Look, I just have to get

the f*ck out of here, okay?

And I don't want to stay

with you and Mom.

I don't want to put you guys at risk.

Oh, yeah, no, that is not an option.

Ask Kev for help.

If he thought you was

about to die, he'd help you.

I don't think he would.

When I told him how Drew

got arrested, he got so pissed at me.

But he has your back.

That's y'all thing.

You are two dummies,

but together you're almost like

one man who ain't dumb.

Call Kev.

No, I'm not gonna call Kev. No.

Any other ideas?

Any suggestions welcome.

Hmm.

How about we fake your death

and we fly you to Cuba?

- You'll be the white Tupac.

- The white Tupac, sure.

This f*cking idea again. No, Kareem

Shh. Go hide under the bed.

It's the white girl.

- Who, Sydney?

- Wait, wait, we can't open it.

She might be a hit man for Drew.

She-She'd be a hit woman,

but she's not

Guys, I can hear you. I'm not

Just f*cking open the door.

It's your funeral.

- Hey, Kareem.

- Hey.

Hey, Dan.

Um

Can I come in?

I got you a cake.

Sure.

Hold on.

- Got to pat you down first.

- All right.

Okay, we will be starting the ceremony

to announce the winner

of the fellowship very soon,

and until then, enjoy the tunes.

Alexa, play Africa.

Yo, she crazy, like

Africans don't even listen to this sh*t.

I don't even know why

she playing this, man.

I'm surprised she ain't have,

like, fufu and

injera, all that Ethiopian sh*t.

Arsema, I'm sorry about

what happened, all right?

But it was a mistake, man, everybody

makes mistakes. You can't

hold that against me forever.

Spilling milk is a mistake,

not being a drug mule.

Man, drug mule?

More like a drug veal.

Why would?

Yo, yo, Drew. What's good, bro?

How you living, man? What's happening?

n*gga, stop f*cking playing.

I know you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I know, I know.

Um, I just wanted to let

you know, bro, like,

me and Dan, we not even

really cool like that.

Like, I don't even really know

his birthday, man.

I-I know his birthday,

but I don't know

Tell Dan the boys is gonna

come by that bike shop

looking for that lean.

Why-why would they, um

why would they do that?

Ain't that your sh*t?

Nah, I think it's Kareem's.

Now, you don't want that n*gga

to get in trouble now, do you?

And ain't your DNA all over that bag?

Yeah, n*gga, don't do nothing stupid,

or all three of y'all getting jammed.

So turn off The Lion King

and go make something happen.

Yo, Kev, you heard me?

Yeah, yeah, I heard you, bro.

I heard you.

Where you going?

I don't know,

but Drew is not happy with me,

so I might miss a meeting

or two, if you can relay that.

I'm so sorry I told Drew your secret.

Why are you saying my "secret"?

This isn't like a crush

you have in middle school.

Sydney, he might k*ll me.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I don't know what to do with a sorry.

You don't have to do anything

with it. I just

It's just there, and

- Okay.

- So

Dan,

thank you for, you know.

Okay. I should go.

Hey, look, I'm-I'm sorry

I talked to your sponsor

about you using. I should have just kept

my side of the street clean.

No, I mean

I was mad, but

at least you cared.

Lot of good that did.

Well, it did help.

I'm sober again.

Congrats.

Thanks, Dan.

How have you been, through all this?

Been able to stay clean?

Uh, yeah, weirdly. I mean

it, like, sucks to not have pills

through really anything.

Yeah.

- It sucks.

- But I guess

if you get through it, it's more

rewarding? I don't know.

I think it's cool. I'm proud of you.

That's big.

I'm lucky to have people

who give a sh*t, you know,

like him or

You, you're okay?

Yeah. I'm okay?

You're not great, if I'm being honest.

- No, I am not great, Dan.

- I'm not great either,

but you're-you're really not great.

No, no, I don't,

I don't even need "good."

I don't even need "good." Okay is

God, I will take that, and happily.

You know what would be great,

though, is Xanax.

Especially today.

- Right?

- Prime day for Xanax.

I m-may be dying?

- May be dying. Yeah.

- Wouldn't it be great?

To just kick back and be k*lled.

Don't die.

Okay.

I've come to the conclusion

that this cake is clean.

That's not clean.

Bon appétit.

All right.

I will now announce the winner

of the $50,000 prize

and trip to Los Angeles

Kevin.

Oh! I told you n*gg*s

this was gonna happen.

I told you, n*gga,

follow your dreams, n*gga.

Anything is possible.

Anything is possible!

Your baby hairs can't save you.

Your t*tties can't save you.

Your hairline can't save you, n*gga.

The waves can't save you.

It takes talent.

It takes talent and prayer.

Romans chapter five, verse three says

- Can you dim the lights?

- Huh?

Kevin, can you dim the lights?

My bad.

Turn on Nancy's spotlight.

My bad, my bad. I'm sorry, shorty.

We in this together, guys.

What the f*ck? Is that her daughter?

And

the first prize goes to

Rachel Canowicakte!

What?

- Who the f*ck is that?

- Congratulations

on winning No n*gro

Left Behind.

Is she even Black?

Rachel's 1/18 Black.

Man, if you don't get

this Elizabeth Warren

looking-a*s b*tch out my f*cking face.

Word? 1/18, that's it?

Bro, nah, this sh*t don't make

no sense, fam.

What the f*ck? Nah, bro.

I had to watch The Five Heartbeats

with this b*tch six times.

She still think

them n*gg*s is real people.

Are you serious right now?

Bro, if you wasn't gonna give it to me,

you should've at least gave it

to somebody like Arsema.

She actually talented

and actually Black.

- What the f*ck? Mm, I can't.

- Wha

Where are you going? You

We haven't even finished

announcing the winners yet.

Yo, y'all better

than what this goofy-a*s

white lady think of you.

You do not need this sh*t.

I promise you that. Like, look at her.

You look dumb.

Wipe that f*cking paint off your face.

This is not The Hunger Games, b*tch.

You look crazy.

Nah, bro, let me get the f*ck

out of here before I

I'm about to k*ll myself. I got to die

today.

All right, well,

that's one person's opinion.

So the second prize

goes to

Kevin, but he's gonna k*ll himself,

so who should we give

that dead man's prize to?

Arsema.

- Yay.

- Oh, my

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, sweetie, thank

Are you, are you okay?

Are you sure?

Nah, get the f*ck out of here.

This sneaky-a*s

Is it really you? You here?

Yeah, it's really me. I'm here.

Nah, n*gga, they had

to clone you or something.

Ew, you wash your hands, man?

This n*gga Houdini.

f*ck out of here. Damn.

Now, why you ain't say nothing?

I would've had

the whole day planned out for you.

Nah, I'm just trying

to take it easy, feel me?

Easy? On my son first day out?

You sound crazy. We got

to get you around some b*tches.

You know I got a daughter

to raise, right?

My bad, I'm buggin'. Let's go see Zayna.

I already saw her.

You did?

Yeah, man. I just came to say

thank you for what you did

for her, you know?

Say less, bro. We family.

You ain't got to thank me for that.

Matter of fact, though,

let me get you some of my shoes

'cause them Phat Farms

is giving me déjà vu.

You weren't even wearing that

when you went in.

Yeah, I'm moving away from here, bro.

- Say what now?

- Yeah, man,

I'm moving upstate.

My cellie hooked me up with a job.

I made the call, got an offer.

Now I'm getting out of here,

and I want Zayna to come with me.

Damn.

You deadass?

Yeah, man, it's what

me and Zay need right now.

I mean, Zayna, is she with it?

She will be.

No, she won't.

That girl won't go see

her dentist 'cause he

all the way out in Long Island.

Then you think you trying to take her to

Buffalo or wherever you going.

Ant, I'm telling you,

you don't know that girl like I do.

And whose fault is that, man?

I mean, I ain't mean it like that, bro.

Look, I asked you to raise my daughter,

and you sold drugs around her.

You don't get to tell me what she needs

and what she don't need.

Man, you knew what I was doing

when you asked me to take care of her.

Yeah, but you ain't have to do

that sh*t in front of her!

I didn't want her exposed

to all that sh*t!

Ant, you ain't got to punish

the girl because of how I live.

You think you get to choose

who gets caught up

in the consequences of your actions?

Did I get a choice?

Look, bro, I ain't trying

to beef with you.

I was just letting you know

what's happening, all right?

Good looking, I'll take these.

Be easy, man.

sh*t.

Kevin, that was the funniest

sh*t I've ever seen.

Bro, that b*tch is crazy as f*ck, man.

I'm mad I actually thought

I could win that sh*t.

Well, you won second place.

See, I wasted so much f*cking time.

I knew I should've just stayed

my Black a*s at home.

Why'd I even come back

to this f*cking city?

Why? 'Cause you didn't win?

- Yes.

- Yo,

racism aside, this program

turned you into a way better artist.

Like, you got so,

so much better, like, way better.

I don't know what you was doing

on that canvas when you first,

- like

- Okay, thank you.

I said you got better.

All right, thank you, I get it.

Thanks, um, thanks for saying

what you said about me back there.

- It's nothing. I f*ck with you.

- No.

Nah, it was, um

The way I was treating you wasn't cool,

and you didn't have to say that,

and I appreciate it.

Oh, my God. I can't stand you.

Look

You wild.

I knew she was white.

Look at them.

He about to call his sl*ve.

Good news, I pulled some strings,

and you can go stay with your

cousin Tremaine in Macon.

You keep calling Tremaine

my cousin. He's your cousin.

Your cousin doesn't have a couch,

but he has a chair you can sleep on,

and you can kick your feet up

on the coffee table.

Okay. All right, I'll take it.

Thank you, Kareem.

Um, all right, can we go now?

Just 'cause if you're

not gonna drive me,

I just have to take

the train to the bus.

What kind of ungrateful?

I just saved your life,

got you a place to stay.

- Yo. Thank you.

- I can't believe this.

Bro, Drew told me

that he gonna tell the cops

that them Kareem drugs in the bike shop.

But they're not.

No one's gonna believe that.

It'll be Drew's word against Kareem's.

You got to tell Kareem.

Maybe I think

Maybe the less he knows, the better.

Man, so-so what you want to do?

Look, I caused this sh*t

in the first place.

If all Drew has over me

is the drugs in the shop,

then I just get them out of the shop.

All right, bet, let's go

grab them, and then we'll talk

to Drew about this sh*t later.

Wait, "we"? I mean

you don't have to come.

Nah, if I ain't take 'em from him,

then we wouldn't even be

in this situation right now.

Okay, um, well, thanks, man.

- I-I appreciate it.

- Yeah. All right.

- Yo, Kareem?

- Yeah.

- Hey.

- Um, I got to head to the bank.

Whoa, you're not gonna cash

them bike shop checks, are you?

'Cause I need a little more time.

No, you also owe me, like, five checks.

- I don't have checks to cash.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's

that's what I need.

I said I need five more weeks.

- To give me the checks?

- If you

And then five to cash them

after you give them to me?

Yeah, that equals ten.

All right. Thank you, son.

Yo, Zay, your designs

are gonna k*ll tonight, bro.

A b*tch look like Nefertiti.

Bro, you hear what I said?

Everyone's gonna love your work.

This is what you wanted, right?

Yeah, I'm sorry. My mind

is just all over the place.

What's wrong?

My dad came by this morning.

He did?

Oh, well, bro, what you sad for?

sh*t, I wish my father would come home,

and that n*gga live in my building.

Yeah, you right.

Yo, Zay.

Just wanted to give you your

flowers before anyone else did.

Thank you.

Talk to your pops?

Yeah, he surprised me this morning.

That's Ant. You know how he is.

Actually, I don't.

You going with him?

- I don't know.

- I hear that.

I was thinking about

what your father said,

and he's right.

You shouldn't have been raised

around all this sh*t.

Drew, you don't got to apologize.

But I do, though.

Took your family away from you.

You deserve better.

Nah, you my family, too, like,

that's why I want to stay here,

but I also want to get to know

my father, so

You ain't got to say nothing else.

Regardless to what happens,

I'm-a make sure y'all straight.

f*ck. sh*t.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Don't worry about it. I got to go.

See you later.

Zay, you coming?

Yeah, I just need to call

my pops real quick.

Good shot.

Okay, he's dead, let's go get him.

That's another one for the fire.

Yo, hurry up and turn that sh*t

off before somebody come in.

I don't know the code.

f*cking changes it every week.

Do you know it?

No, but just figure that sh*t out.

- Damn.

- My mom's birthday maybe?

No.

Bro, hurry up.

Anniversary? Oh, great.

Got it, got it.

9-8-7-0. Latrell Sprewell's birthday.

Hey, yo, Thelma and Louise.

- Yo, oh, sh*t.

- Oh, sh*t.

f*ck is you doing? I can see you.

I-I was just making sure this,

uh, bike's ready to go.

It-It's yours. Would you like it?

Oh, you was?

Yo, yo, we was I was about

to bring this right to you, man.

Oh, yeah? Why you ain't call?

'Cause I-I lost my phone.

He-he lost his phone. That's true.

Oh I found it.

You n*gg*s, man.

Drew, I didn't call the cops.

I told Principal Douglass

you confronted me

on school grounds.

Then he called the cops.

So I didn't snitch in the

classic sense of the word.

What the f*ck is you talking about, bro?

I'm just giving him the full story.

- Snitching is snitching.

- It's nuanced.

I just want to talk.

Yo, yo, yo, Drew, man, if you k*ll him,

you got to k*ll me, too.

- Say less.

- Damn, that's not fair.

All them times that Dan helped Zayna

get the good grades,

you're just gonna k*ll us?

And remember when Kevin left work

to try to help you find Zayna?

And then, and then,

and then Zayna would've got caught

with the drugs at school

if it wasn't for him.

Hey, Kev gave you free food for a year.

He's always protected you,

even when I didn't think he should.

And, man, Dan snitched on you.

f*ck. My bad, I forgot the

- what we was doing.

- Man, I'm about

to f*ck y'all n*gg*s up real bad.

Yo, Drew, just take the drugs, man.

You don't need another body

on your hands.

f*ck you know what I need, n*gga?

You deadass, Drew?

What the f*ck is you doing here?

Trying to keep you

from doing something stupid.

f*ck is this? A intervention?

You call Mom? Auntie Eve outside, n*gga?

Zay told me you were down here

doing some dumbass sh*t.

Yo, y'all got to get

the f*ck up out of here.

We would actually love it if you stayed.

Word, son?

Twelve m*therf*cking years, Drew,

and you still doing the same dumb sh*t

that got me locked up.

You ain't changed one bit, bro.

I ain't change?

This n*gga snitched on me,

and I ain't k*ll him yet. That's change.

Uh, I appreciate that, Drew.

It's cool

- Shut the f*ck up.

- Okay.

Yo, you promised me

- you'd stop.

- Yeah,

and I promised I'd take care

of you and your pops.

I don't need you to take care of me.

Look, I got a job upstate. I'm good.

Man, n*gga, they gonna fire you

as soon as a hammer go missing.

Yeah, but it's much better than this.

The f*ck is you talking about?

You know how much bread this is worth?

What other choice I got?

You've got a million other choices.

You just don't want to take 'em.

f*ck.

Yo, I'm-a have this boy

Zayna f*ck with, Desmond,

come by, pick this sh*t up.

It's his sh*t anyway.

Could he, could he come tomorrow?

Just 'cause we're closed.

- I got you, I got you.

- Yup. Sorry.

Come on, baby.

Nah, matter of fact.

Man, calm y'all scary asses down.

What, n*gga?

Can't be broke out here on Juneteenth.

Martin and Malcolm

would not approve of that.

You know that, Kev.

Yeah.

So, what are you thinking?

Ah, I'm thinking I should go

back and get that bag.

Aw, man.

Man, what?

There's a gallon of Actavis

in there. You crazy?

Hope you know you paying

for this little din-din.

Just want to let you know

I'm proud of you, all right?

I know that wasn't easy for you.

You right, it wasn't.

I was already on my way out,

but I just wanted that last one.

You wanted that last one

for the last 20 years, brother.

Word.

- Bet.

- Hey, baby.

So, what'd your friend

say about your show?

Yo, Amaya said that

everyone loved my crowns.

So much so, this crazy-a*s white woman,

she came up and bought all of them

- Yeah?

- after curtain call.

See? That's what I'm talking about, Zay.

Young CEO on the rise.

Big purr!

Just let me know

when you need a bodyguard.

- Oh, my God, whatever.

- Cheers to niecey-poo.

- Cheers.

- Um

Yo, Dad, I've been thinking a lot about

what we were talking

about earlier today.

I'm-a go to the bathroom real quick.

Nah, Drew, you can stay.

Look, on the real, I love y'all both.

For real, for real.

Love you.

But I feel like it's time

for me to start choosing myself.

Brooklyn is my home.

My friends are here,

my business is here.

It's where I belong.

I know Drew ain't perfect,

but he always keeps it a buck with me,

and he always puts me first,

which is annoying, 'cause

he be dragging it.

And, Dad, I know that you

be worrying and stuff like that,

but you don't have to.

I'm-a be okay.

I trust you.

And I trust Drew, well, to a degree.

And, look,

if you want to stay, then stay,

and we can be a family together here.

Wait, wait, we?

What about your job?

I'll figure all that out later.

You for real?

You gonna stay here, Daddy?

I'm f*cking so for real.

Look, I just got out,

I just got home. I'm not gonna

leave my baby girl again,

especially with this psycho.

I'm happy you staying, bro.

I really am.

But what's them crowns

hitting for again?

Aw, yeah, you could work for me.

Oh

Here we go.

- So that's how you feel.

- Shut up.

You think the kid'll be

okay with all those drugs?

Uh, statistically, no.

When'd you get a bike?

Oh, um,

Kareem gave it to me in-instead of

giving me my last five paychecks.

There's no brakes on it,

so I got to walk it everywhere, though.

Thanks for sticking up for me with Drew.

Ah, it's cool.

All right. Um

Do you want to get food?

I got to head to the school,

but I got some time.

I already ate.

Well, if you want to sit

and watch me eat