01x04 - A Good Few Angry Women

[bunniefuu]

(crowd clamoring)

Would you stop?

Frank! What are you

- What's this?

- You know what it is.

Padraig asked the two of us

to write the music months ago,

but you said am-dram

was beneath you

and you wouldn't be caught dead

working on this sh*t

You did it without me?

Yeah. I've written

the whole score.

We've been rehearsing

for a month, and I love it.

I'm really blossoming

on my own.

You're not gonna blossom

without me.

- I want in.

- I appreciate the offer, Frank,

but I have to be firm here.

You have a tendency

to take over.

Doofus, I'm in.

(crowd cheering, applauding)

(cheering, applause continue)

MAN: Maestro! Maestro!

Well done, Doofus and Maelbhina!

What a wonderful way to finish

a final rehearsal!

Fantastique!

Okay, everyone, gather round!

Gather round!

Frank! Frank!

My song went great.

Hey, is Nicola here?

Did she see it?

PADRAIG: Ladies! Here we are,

two hours to opening,

and I have to say,

after all my years

running the Am-Dram Society,

I have never been

more inspired.

And tonight,

for one night only,

it all pays off.

I think you all deserve

a round of applause. Everyone!

And I think it's important

to mention

that this is

an all-female production.

I was vehemently opposed

to the idea at first,

but after seeing how hard

you all worked,

and how you've maintained

such emotional composure,

I have to say

I really came around.

So I think I deserve

a round of applause too!

I'd like to thank Nicola

for her enthusiastic work

as stunt coordinator.

Is she here?

I'm here, yeah.

Sorry I'm late.

I'd like to give

a special thank you

to our two musical maestros

who've given us

such wonderful musique,

especially that closing number,

Doofus.

Mwah!

Oh! I believe our star

wants a word.

Thank you, Padraig.

You know, when I played

the Gaeity in the nineties,

the notion of women having

a real voice in theater

- seemed like a distant dre

- Sorry, Maelbhina,

- I think Frank, eh

- Thanks, Padraig.

Just regarding the music,

I just wanted to say

Doofus wrote one song, and you

all seem very high on it

but what about

the other 11, yeah?

Oh, Frank,

all the songs are good.

Well, I don't know.

Some of Frank's songs are

What, Bernie?

Well, the show is based

on "Twelve Angry Men."

I don't see how a song called

"Fruits of the Forest"

fits in, for example.

- It's a metaphor.

- For what?

The carnal imagery

in "Fruits of the Forest"

represents the animal intensity

of the main characters.

Jack Nicholson foaming

at the mouth.

Tom Cruise not taking no

for an answer.

Hang on.

Is that "A Few Good Men"?

Eleven songs is a lot to get

through, that's all I'm saying.

Bernie, if we want to be throwing accusations

around the place,

I saw you earlier

at the snack stand.

Now, if you want a piece

of fruit, go right ahead,

but you don't have to maul

every f*cking apple in the bowl.

I was only looking

for a soft one.

Well, I don't know where your

hands have been, all right?

It's not nice to be criticized,

is it, Bernie?

So back the f*ck off. Sorry.

Okay, quickly on to stunts,

and then we'll break.

Nicola, over to you,

and please be careful.

FRANK: Listen, P,

about Doofus's song

Oh! Directing women

- is like herding cats, Frank.

- Padraig!

- And action!

- He said 20 seconds.

He said 15.

- I'm telling you, he said 20 seconds!

- That's enough!

- Ow!

- Oh!

These stunts make no sense.

They're the best thing

in the play.

You're only saying that

'cause you want Nicola to kiss your willy.

(screams)

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, my hip! I'm down!

Oh, for the love of God!

That's the fourth juror

we've lost since Tuesday!

- She was supposed to go limp!

- We open in less than an hour,

we can't keep losing people.

sh*t. I'm gonna have to cut

some of the action scenes.

DOOFUS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you saying, Padraig?

That women can't do action?

That's not what

I'm saying at all!

But obviously Bernie here

can't do a simple flip.

Don't fight my battles,

Doofus.

No, I just I just like

your work, that's all.

Did you hear my song earlier?

No. I'm looking forward to it,

though, I hear it's good.

Nicola, Nicola,

Nicola, please.

I love all the action stuff.

But the name of the show

is "Twelve Angry Women,"

and we're down to eight.

Now, hopefully I can bunch

them all together onstage

and they won't notice

the lack of numbers,

but there's nine

speaking parts.

We're running out

of options here.

Dad? I could switch

to Bernie's part.

That way I'd have a song.

And I've basically been cut

from everything else, so

Right.

Elaine,

I love what you're doing,

but I'm gonna have to get you

to do Bernie's part, okay?

We'll cut the stenographer.

Right, let's take it up

with the flip.

Nicola, wait!

Doofus, do you mind?

Just once,

to make sure it's safe.

Of course it's safe.

- You loose?

- Loose as a goose.

Yeah, I'm gonna grab

your arm, okay?

- Okay.

- Are you with me?

I'm with you forever, Nicola.

You just need to go limp.

It doesn't hurt if you go limp

Limp as a wimp.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

(grunts, screams)

(crowd gasps)

(gasping)

- Are you all right?

- Yeah.

- Did you go limp?

- Yeah!

Are you sure?

'Cause Elaine's up next.

If you're hurt,

you need to say so now.

- I'm fine.

- Right. Get Elaine in.

- Elaine!

- (Doofus groaning)

FRANK: Hey, Padraig.

It's the closing number.

Let's just cut it, yeah?

- I don't think Doofus will mind.

- Go limp.

No way, Frank. Doofus's song

is the best thing in the play.

What are you talking about?

- (Elaine screams)

- (body thuds)

Oh, God damn it.

She's down too, isn't she?

- ELAINE: Frankie!

- Aine!

We need you.

Call Peter-Brian.

Tell him we need to patch up

some more of the jurors.

Everyone else, take ten.

Hey, Maelbhina.

How you doing?

Well, I was in the Gaiety

once, and now I'm here.

- What does that tell you?

- Your star has fallen?

Listen, I was just saying

to Padraig,

and I think he agrees,

let's cut that

last number, right?

- It's not exactly in keeping

- Frank!

Doofus' song is the only

good thing in this whole,

horrible mess.

Forget the bullshit.

Forget the other shitty songs.

That piece is the reason

I came back to musical theater.

But I wrote

way more songs than him,

- and he's gonna get all the credit!

- He should.

Half your songs are

about the wrong movie,

and the rest are clearly your

old songs that you repurposed.

Four of them are about

counties in Ireland!

"Livin' La Vida Carlow"

was written specifically

for the piece.

It's a metaphor

for Tom Cruise's clash

with corruption

in the military.

I'm gonna sing

Doofus' song,

and it's gonna be the only

thing people remember.

Get used to it.

Is she gonna be okay?

She's 79 and her ribs

are f*cked.

Nicola!

No more stunt rehearsals.

- Just wait'll you're onstage.

- What about the chair shots?

It's not safe not

to rehearse the chair shots.

Fine. Rehearse the chair shots,

but please be careful.

- Of course.

- How's it going?

Oh, it's a disaster.

Bernie's out.

Elaine here is in bits.

And I've no one to cover

their parts.

Wait. Unless

Call Mary. Tell her if she

learns the lines, she's in.

But she has to be here

in an hour!

Let's get her out of sight.

Hey, Doofus.

I was just talking

to Melvs and Padraig.

I think the general

consensus is

do one of my songs to close

the show. Whaddaya think?

But it's the only one

of my songs left.

- You replaced all the others.

- Did I?

Yeah. Anyway, I

- I want Nicola to hear it.

- Nicola?

I know she's out

of my league, Frank,

but.. everybody else likes

my song.

If she hears it,

and she thinks it's good

you never know.

Your song it is.

- Yeah!

- I hope she likes it.

Thanks, Frank!

Hey, Nicola.

They're still gonna do

my song at the end.

NICOLA: Oh, that's great!

(crowd clamoring)

There's queues

of people outside!

It's a sellout!

Have you the lines?

Oh, forget the lines.

Gotta give the people

what they want.

Please, Mary, no vag

this time. Last year

The show was "Mary Poppins,"

Padraig.

There was bound to be

some improv.

Okay, everyone? Ready to

rehearse the chair shots?

I'm gonna smack you with

these fake chairs, okay?

- WOMAN: Will it hurt?

- NICOLA: Only if you're a p*ssy.

- How are you, Bernie?

- I can't walk.

Look, as you can see,

we're under quite a bit

of pressure.

I wonder if you could

do me a teeny-weeny favor.

Stop rubbing your grubby mits

over every piece of fruit!

I have it up to here, Bernie!

Up to here!

I'm sorry.

- NICOLA: Ready?

- Sure.

Just remember, take it

on the back, you'll be fine.

AINE: You a Yankees fan?

- No, Baltimore!

- Baltimore?

That's like being hit

in the head

with a crowbar once a day!

- (all laughing)

- ♪(piano)

Hey!

- Ow!

- Been there, Donegal ♪

Lots of lovely place ♪

(grunts)

(body thuds)

- (gasps)

- (screams)

- Somebody switched the chair.

- What are we gonna do?

- Somebody switched the chair.

- We have to let them in.

- Who switched the chair?

- It doesn't matter, Nicola.

- It doesn't matter.

- Who's gonna play her part?

Aine, drag her backstage,

will you?

Stick her in with Elaine.

We need to start the show.

What are we going to do?

Do you want me to take

Maelbhina's part?

You're already taking

Bernie's part!

Dad, I know Maelbhina's lines,

and Doofus' songs.

- I know the whole parts.

- Please don't let her do it.

Oh, Aine, there's a lot riding on that song.

No offense, darling.

- What are you still doing back here?

- I was looking after Maelbhina.

- Any chance she'll

- No.

We need to figure out

who switched that chair.

Aine's the one who's been

stepping over Maelbhina's body

to steal the closing number.

- Maybe it was her?

- AINE: f*ck you, Mary.

Where were you just before

the accident?

Nicola, you've been

injuring people all week.

Why don't you take

some responsibility?

Maybe we should do

one of my songs instead.

- No, Frank!

- Look, I don't care who did it.

We need to start the show,

we need to get someone

to play Maelbhina's part,

and that's that.

There's only one option.

Aine

Give me your wig.

I'll play the part.

We'll sort something out for

the song by the end of the show.

Women of the jury,

you've listened to a long

and complex case.

You have

a grave responsibility.

- What's wrong with you?

- I just

I wanted Nicola to like me.

Without Maelbhina

to sing me songs

You'll get another girlfriend.

I don't want another

girlfriend!

I only wrote the song

so Nicola'd like me.

Now who's gonna sing it?

f*ck' Aine?

Because guilt

is a terrible thing,

and it weighs

heavy on the sinful.

So it falls to you

twelve angr

eight angry women to sort

the facts from the fancy.

♪♪

The facts from the fancy ♪

We can't take a chancy ♪

The jury's getting antsy ♪

♪♪

(sighs)

Wake up, Maelbhina.

Hey, Maelbhina,

could you wake up, please?

"Twenty," he said!

That's enough.

Ow!

- Right, Mary. Flip.

- f*ck that.

Elaine, you're up.

Oh, sorry, Elaine.

Go limp.

No!

- (crowd gasps)

- (body thuds)

God damn it, Maelbhina,

wake up!

I've made a terrible mistake!

(sobs)

What's going on here?

Have you been crying?

Everyone's being a c**t.

How are you enjoying

the court case?

Oh, it's good.

But I do long to return

to my home town of Fermanagh.

Right.

Fermanagh from heaven ♪

Fermanagh from heaven ♪

A woman cannot live upon

bread that's unleavened ♪

Look, it's terrible,

but we have no choice.

Maybe we have to lose

Doofus's song.

- Frank.

- Huh?

Have you something else

we can use instead?

I know someone

who can sing Doofus's song.

They just need to believe

in themselves.

I think Doofus should sing it.

Fermanagh, Fermanagh,

Fermanagh, Fermanagh ♪

Fermanagh, Fermanagh ♪

You can't give a man

the last song

in an all-female production.

Everyone deserves a chance.

I think Doofus'd smash it.

You switched the chairs,

didn't you?

You were jealous.

Now you feel guilty,

so you wanna give Doofus

his moment.

How dare you?

- Don't be pointing fingers.

- Yeah.

I did not switch anything.

I think Doofus

could do a good job.

I could do it.

You lack Maelbhina's

sultry charm,

her easy way with her body.

Face it, Doofus is

more suited to the part.

Oh, forget Doofus!

- Put me in, Coach.

- I'm telling you.

Quiet!

(singing in distance)

f*ck! It's the group scene!

Quick! Places, everyone!

Everyone, quick!

Some of the script changes

Padraig made are atrocious.

Mrs. Forewoman,

I'd like to change my vote.

- Not guilty

- What?

Anybody else wanna change

their vote?

PADRAIG: That's women for you.

(rimshot)

Whew! It's the first act over.

Couple of hitches,

but we're still in the game.

Maelbhina hasn't magically

come back to life, has she?

- No.

- We need to talk about the issue at hand.

Yeah. Who's singing

the closing number?

No, not that.

Someone here hurt Maelbhina.

We don't know who. All you guys

seem to be worried about

is who is gonna sing

that stupid song.

You're right.

I'm singing it.

It's literally the best part

of the play, darling.

We don't wanna f*ck it up.

And I don't mean

anything bad by that.

What time is it?

We better push on with

the second act. Where's Mary?

Okay! Let's do this.

What are you wearing?

- It's military.

- It's Juror 6's big number.

It's a serious moment

"We Follow Orders

or People Die,"

and God damn it, Frank,

I just realized

that's from "A Few Good Men."

"A Few Good Women."

♪♪

Santiago ♪

Private first class ♪

Santiago ♪

He hasn't been seen

in a while ♪

- The audience is turning.

- Shouldn't you be out there playing?

I don't play live.

Doofus has my parts

on his laptop.

Dad, can you just decide

who's doing the last number?

I've been doing extensive

vocal training

with Peter-Brian

for the past month.

- I really think I could

- Nobody is going back on that stage

till I find out who switched

that f*cking chair.

And I'm looking at you, Frank.

Nicola,

you snotty little b*stard.

- Frank

- I'm not the one on trial here.

Seen in a while ♪

♪♪

- (scattered applause)

- Thank you.

And with that, I shall

bring in the rest of the jury.

Two minutes.

Just vamp it.

Oh.

So

would you like to see

the song again?

Did you switch those chairs?

Did I order the code red

on Maelbhina?

- No! I did not!

- Did you switch the chairs?

What do you want Nicola?

Do you want me to sleep

with you again?

- Is that what you want?

- Frank, I want the truth!

You can't handle the fruit!

Bernie! How many times?

I think I need

to go to hospital.

Well, f*cking go!

- Well?

- You people.

You have no idea how

to protect a production.

Maelbhina's accident,

while tragic,

- probably saved lives.

- Did you switch the chair?

- I did the job I was hired to do.

- Did you switch the chair?

You're g*dd*mn right I did!

(gasps) Wha

Frank, you piece of sh*t!

You took out Maelbhina.

No, wait, Doofus!

I'm sorry!

Doofus!

(both screaming)

- You ruined my songs!

- I had no choice!

You wrecked my chances

with Nicola!

Now she'll never

kiss my willy!

- I was just

- f*ck you, Frank.

The best buddies g*ng is over.

The what?

(sobs)

I hope you're happy.

(grunts)

Maelbhina!

(panting)

(soft horn honk)

(horn blasts)

- Maelbhina

- What's happening?

You're a professional, right?

You played the Gaeity, right?

Yeah.

Let's get you ready

for the performance

of your life.

Look, we've no choice.

I'm sorry to say the closing

number will be sung by Aine.

Oh, f*cking Jesus.

- Oh, God, it's f*cked.

- (sobbing)

Thank you, Dad.

I won't let you down.

FRANK: Not so fast.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you

the incomparable Maelbhina.

Thank Christ.

Aine, you're out.

- What?

- Oh, thank you, Frank.

No need to thank me,

little britches.

- Nicola, you gonna watch?

- Sure, Doofus.

Let's see what all

the fuss is about.

We got a crowd to blow away,

Doofus,

Now, get out there

and break a leg.

Yeah! Oh, f*ck!

- Oh!

- Is she good to go?

She's a professional,

Peter-Brian.

You're the best.

Eh Padraig Frank?

Ladies and gentlemen,

before the closing number

you've heard a lot of

great music this evening,

but I'm not responsible

for everything

you're gonna hear tonight.

Because this next song was

written by my best friend,

Doofus MacGiollagán.

and he deserves

full credit for it.

Now, stand up Doofus!

Take a bow!

(scattered applause)

Take it away, Doofs!

Oh, careful, Maelbhina.

Mind that lace.

Huh? Oh? Oh!

(all gasping)

Oh, sh*t!

Ugh. It'll have

to be Aine. ba*ls.

Thanks, darling.

Let's get this over with.

Okay.

Aine, Aine

I believe in you.

DOOFUS: Oh, for f*ck's sake.

(exhales)

(loud whisper)

You You start!

It starts with singing!

What's my first note?

♪♪

- (warbling) A woman's life ♪

- (fiddle note)

- No.

- It's too high.

- All right.

- (fiddle note)

(atonally) A woman's life ♪

Hangs in the ♪

(warbling)

Balance ♪

Stop it.

Stop it.

Go back to the start.

Look, Doofus,

please go back to the start.

- You're f*cking it up!

- Please, Doofus.

(clapping)

- (popping)

- Whoa!

Well, there you go.

That was

Doofus's song.

That's the ending of the show.

That's the end.

He was not guilty.

She was not guilty.

Women are as good as men.

Thank you very much,

everyone, good night!

- MAN: Get off the stage!

- (crowd booing)

- f*ck it.

- What's she doing?

(Frank grunting)

(Frank groaning)

♪♪

(applause)

♪("Dynamite Exploded"

by Honey and the Bees")

Just like fire ♪

Fire, fire ♪

My poor heart is breaking ♪

Desire, desire ♪

My poor heart is in ♪

Danger, girl in distress ♪

Breathing in gets hard ♪

Longing for you, baby ♪

It's tearing me apart ♪

Oh, patience

is what you cause ♪

Deep down in my heart ♪

A big expl*si*n ♪

♪(ends)