01x02 - We Need to Talk about Kevin Costner

[bunniefuu]

AINE: I'm sorry.

I know it must seem very sudden.

No, no, no,

I'm delighted for you.

Delighted.

When do you

move in to his place?

Mmm The end of the week.

That's so soon.

That's great.

Part of me will always

love you, Frank,

- but Peter-Brian's

- Which part?

- Peter-Brian's a doctor.

- No, which part?

- Pardon me?

- Which part of you will always love me?

Oh.

My self-loathing, probably.

Hmm.

I didn't mean that

in a good way.

We're having a party

the day I move in

- Can I move in too?

- I don't think so, no.

Well, I just I guess

I just always assumed

that when my mam dies it'd be

you who takes care of me.

Please don't move in with him.

Please don't move in

with him, Aine.

I'm gonna leave, Frank.

Aine?

Yes, Frank?

You should take out

the recycling.

Would sir like dessert?

She's moving on, Doofus.

I'm losing her.

Just the cheesecake, please.

MARY: And you're sure

you can't move in with them?

Mam, I asked.

So you're definitely

staying with me?

- Yeah, of course I am!

- Frank

I'm having difficulty

making the house payments.

- Uh-oh.

- So I'm moving my boyfriend in.

Boyfriend? Who is it?

It's not that guy.

Hi, guys! I'm Richard.

Shh! Richard.

I convinced Richard to leave

his wife and kids for me.

He'll be paying rent,

but realistically,

I'm going to need more money

Whoa, Whoa! I'm paying rent?

Richard, I'm trying

to talk here.

FRANK:

I'm not paying rent, Mam.

What's the point

in me doing my chores

if I give you my pocket

money back as rent?

Come on.

How many kids

do you have, Richard?

I have three kids.

You had three kids.

(camera shutter snaps)

(chuckles)

- Look at his face.

- (chuckles)

He just keeps eating cheese.

He's so f*cking posh.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like

to live in a house like that?

No.

We're not here to appreciate

Peter-Brian's house, Doofus.

We're here for dirt, proof

that he's cheating on Aine.

It doesn't look like

he's cheating on Aine.

He's a doctor.

Of course

he's cheating on Aine.

All we have to do is

catch him in the act.

You still wanna do

the flaming bag of dog poo

on his doorstep?

It's a little unsophisticated,

- but yes, please.

- Okay.

- Ta-da!

- Jesus Christ.

- What's wrong?

- Where to start?

First, it's supposed

to be a paper bag.

We can't set fire to that,

it's a biohazard.

It kept seeping out

through the paper bags.

Second, why is it

liquid dog poo?

It's not liquid dog poo.

It's not solid,

that's for sure.

No, it's not

it's not dog poo.

What kind of poo is it?

It's Doofus poo.

God, Doofus.

Give me the lighter.

Watch out, Frank!

- Frank?

- Peter-Brian.

- What are you doing here?

- I was in the neighborhood,

and I wanted to say

congratulations

on Aine moving in and

- I brought you this.

- What is it?

It's from Doofus.

He's sick.

It's a sample.

Oh, right.

Well, come on in.

Leave the bag, yeah?

No! No, Frank!

Frank, no, no!

- (cawing)

- (door closes)

Wow. This is really nice.

Yeah, thanks. Whiskey?

Aine goes mad

if I touch the stuff,

but, you know,

when the cat's away

Huh. Yeah, maybe one.

(men laughing)

- She can't dance.

- She can't dance.

She thinks she can dance,

but she can't dance.

- All elbows.

- She says I'm a messy drunk.

That's bullshit.

You're a great drunk.

And she won't let me

listen to my podcasts

when we're going to sleep.

Outrageous.

What's a podcast?

(laughs)

Ah. Look,

she's a good girl, really,

and I don't mean that

in a patronizing way.

You know, I actually think

she'll be very happy here

Well, thanks for saying that.

What do you do for fun, Frank?

Last week me and Doofus did

the 7-D experience in town.

You sit in

a cramped eight-seater room

and watch animated movies

while an Eastern European man

spritzes you

with water to simulate rain.

- That's one of the dimensions.

- That sounds

The seventh dimension

is bubbles.

You wanna know

what I do for fun?

♪♪

This is the coolest thing

I've ever seen.

Yeah, I thought

you might like it.

You ever bow and arrowed?

I was competitive in college.

You know, we should go

to the range sometime

Tomorrow.

What about tomorrow?

- Oh, tomorrow

- I want to be with you.

Sorry, was that a bit intense?

No, I liked it.

(chuckles) Okay.

- Till tomorrow.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

Ciao.

(sighs)

- (door closes)

- Frank!

Doofus!

Why are you still here?

Get out of there.

Jesus.

You don't like him,

do you, Frank?

Who?

You know who I mean.

I'm just hanging

with him to get dirt.

It's like Tim Roth

in "Reservoir Dogs."

I mean, tonight was probably the most fun

I've had with anyone in ages, but

See, he has this knack

of putting me totally at ease,

really feel I can be myself

when I'm around him.

Like, I actually like myself

when I'm with him.

Nothing sexual or anything.

I hate him.

Why hasn't he texted?

- (phone buzzes)

- (taps keyboard)

- OMG, that's a gas.

- What is it?

Nothing. Just

Peter-Brian's an awful eejit.

- Let me see! Let me see!

- No!

Ciao, guys. Excusez-moi.

Pardon me.

Who might you be?

Oh, pardon.

Me Stephane.

I'm Frank.

This is Doofus.

- Hello.

- Ah, Frankie!

- We share a room, no?

- I hope not.

- (chuckles)

- (urine splashing)

Why hasn't Stephane got

any pubes, Frank?

He's old enough.

Real men, we shave

for how you say

aerodynamics.

Huh?

(chuckles)

- Huh?

- (p*nis slapping)

MARY: Stephane,

did you find everything?

Oh! Well, you obviously

didn't find a towel!

(both laughing)

- (p*nis slapping)

- (laughter continues)

Stephane's a student.

He's lodging here too.

Means I'll finally have

the mortgage covered.

Mary, you got anywhere

I can put

Hello. Who's this?

Richard, come outside.

We need to talk.

Breathe.

Now draw back

elbow raised

focus down range.

And now, when you're ready

release.

- (arrow strikes)

- Hey!

I can't believe you

finally hit one! Ha-ha!

- Whoo! Got one!

- Whoo!

Doofus! What the hell

are you doing?

Just.. gramming.

Get the f*ck off the range!

Come on. Let's go hit the spa.

Stop looking at me like that.

I can't help it.

So I like him, okay?

Get over it. Get in!

- I can't.

- Why not?

- I shaved my pubes, okay?

- What

(groaning)

- Keep your voice down.

- Look at him.

- Just get some dirt.

- Yeah, I

You're not Tim Roth

in "Reservoir Dogs," Frank.

You're Kevin Costner

in "Dances With Wolves,"

seduced by the culture

and lifestyle of your enemy.

You're not even trying

to break up him and Aine.

I am.

Now would you please just

Ahh, f*ck it.

That is nice.

Come on, Doofus.

Sit down.

Okay.

(wailing)

f*ck it

(winces)

So what's up, Peebs?

Oh, you know, nothin' much.

You nervous about Aine

moving in? That's natural.

Have you been thinking about other people

or anything? You ever cheated on her?

Sorry, Peebers. I think

what Doofus is trying to say

No, no, it's fine. I mean,

we're all men here, am I right, guys?

- Yeah, but I don't think

- We're all dudes here.

Absolutely, right?

Listen

Whatever you choose

to share with us,

our lips are sealed,

whether it involves men, women or children.

Not children.

That was outrageous

back there.

I was sticking to the plan.

I wish I was

in Peter-Brian's red car.

Look, I know you're upset,

okay?

But I've got something in my

pocket that might cheer you up.

Oh, my pubes.

Ta-da. Two tickets

for you and me,

for the Viking Splash Tour.

What do you say?

I don't know, Doofus.

I'm into mature stuff now,

like archery and whiskey.

And two tickets?

What about PB?

I wanted to do something

for us, Frank.

What's happening to us?

Doofus, I'm sorry.

I would love to come

to the Viking Splash Tour with you.

I love you, Frank.

You're one of my best friends.

- (crowd cheering)

- (horn honking)

- MAN: Three, two, one!

- (crowd cheers)

(horn honks)

Aw man! This is great!

Meh.

You're not making

an effort, Frank.

I'm trying, Doofus,

but this feels

plebeian or something.

I've to change for the wine

tasting later, how do I get off?

You can't get off.

We're approaching the water.

I guess I'm staying on then.

Great.

- (crowd cheers)

- (water splashes)

Might get a podcast going.

What's a podcast?

Can I come to the wine tasting

too, please?

MAN: Three, two, one!

(all cheering)

Ma, I'm heading out

for a bit.

- Bye, Frankie.

- Ciao, Frankie.

Good night, Richard.

Good night, Frank.

FRANK: I just think

we're growing apart.

I mean, Doofus

wouldn't know a red wine

from a a different red wine.

Easy there, pal.

Aren't you supposed to taste and spit?

Ah, f*ck it.

The week I've had?

Patients moaning, moaning.

"Oh, my foot's broken."

"Ahhh, what's this rash?"

Right, that does seem annoying,

although you are a doctor.

Yech!

A "woman" came in today, all,

"I'm unhappy.

I don't feel beautiful."

I gave her a prescription that

said, "Don't wear leggings."

She said, "Tanks."

That's the level of person we're

dealing with here you know?

You don't like

being a doctor?

Yeah, telling people

you're a doctor is great,

but actually doing the work's

a f*cking nightmare.

That's what was so sweet

about college.

Didn't you have

to study a lot?

And the women Jesus.

Now I feel like

I'm slowing down.

Look, Aine's moving in.

You'll settle down.

And we'll be besties.

I know it's soon to say,

but let's call a spade a spade.

I might move in.

You have no idea what my life

was like before Aine.

Vag.

Vag, vag, everywhere.

And now? Not a drop to drink.

Peebster, I don't think

I should be hearing this.

You listen! Aine suspects

I've been unfaithful,

- and I haven't.

- Right. Good!

Except the worst part is

I have.

Only once.

A girl at the bar.

Another girl at the gym.

And several patients.

But that's a bigger deal.

That's trouble. But they're

the only ones, all right?

Well, no,

there were loads more,

but those were the only ones

Aine suspects.

Well, no, she suspects

it's a much bigger problem, and it is.

Ah, Christ, Frank,

I'm f*cked!

- Easy, easy. Easy, there.

- (ringtone plays)

- Easy.

- (ringtone plays)

I'm sorry.

Please don't tell Aine.

(doorbell chimes)

Frank, thanks for coming.

- (door closes)

- Can I get you anything?

- Tea, coffee?

- Maybe a latte.

- That would take ages.

- I know you have a milk frother, Aine.

Would you like

a regular coffee?

- Is it instant?

- Yes.

Just a water, please.

Sparkling.

So about Peter-Brian.

Look, I don't wanna say this.

I've been spying on him.

I thought he was cheating

on you,

and I was trying to collect

some hard evidence and

And?

Basically, he's clean.

Okay? The man's a boy scout

and not in a bad way.

Frank, I've been worried

about Peter-Brian too,

so I've been doing

a little spying of my own.

I asked Doofus

to keep tabs on him.

- Doofus?

- He sent me these today.

Aine, my little house mouse

these aren't real.

Of course they're not real.

But seeing them made me realize

Peter-Brian is just

He's just so f*cking posh.

And I don't wanna live with

And here we are,

and here you are.

And I can't remember

why we broke up.

- You wouldn't do a**l.

- It was more than that.

No. That was

the deal breaker for me.

Aine, we've been over this.

Darling, I don't want you.

I want you to be unhappy.

Yeah, you keep

saying that, Frank,

but you keep coming back.

- Sing me a song, Frank.

- What?

Sing me a song

like the good old days.

Sing me a song, Frank.

Come on sing it.

- Please leave me alone ♪

- Yes.

How about one last bit of rough before

I move in with fancy pants?

- No, Aine, I can't.

- What if the an*s was back on the table?

Aine, no. Please.

I couldn't do that

to someone I respect.

But it's all you used

to talk about!

I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about Peter-Brian.

I respect him too damn much.

I want him to be my best friend,

and God willing

I know it's early, but I think if he

and I spend enough time together

- You're pathetic.

- You're desperate.

Doofus, Doofus!

Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!

Doofus, Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!

Doofus, Doofus, Doofus,

Doofus, Doofus!

Easy, easy, Frank,

you'll wake my parents.

What was with those photos

of PB?

- Oh! Did she buy them?

- No!

I can't believe you hid

behind my back.

You're the one who went rogue!

My relationship with

Peter-Brian is very nuanced.

You know what? Forget Kevin

Costner in "Dances with Wolves."

You're Kevin Costner

in "Waterworld."

sh*t! You and me, we're done.

Fine! Have fun

with your new best friend!

I will have fun

with my new best friend!

We're going to Avoca

for lunch on Wednesday,

and then afterwards

we're probably gonna go

to the Southside

for a cheeseboard.

I don't even know you anymore.

STEPHANE:

What's wrong, Frankie?

I don't know, Stephane.

I started the day

with two besties,

but I'm pretty sure

I can only have one.

What is a bestie?

The guy who massage you

in the bath? Your b*tch?

That was Doofus.

But now I think I want Peter-Brian

to be my bestie instead.

- Why?

- I don't know.

He might be an awful person,

but his lifestyle is better.

So you rather be his Doofus,

than have Doofus be yours?

Let me say, uh,

"It is better to reign in Hell

than serve in Heaven."

- Did you just come up with that?

- It's Milton.

- The sterilizer?

- No.

Well, thank you for sharing your native

wisdom with me, Stephane.

You're a very wise

French man.

Good night, Frankie.

Good night, Dad.

(weeping)

- Richard, pet?

- Yes, Frank?

Could you keep it down?

My babies.

I gotta get back to my babies.

♪(polka)

Whoa, there, Padraig!

Careful there!

Okay!

DOOFUS: Hello, Frank.

It's quite a housewarming.

FRANK: Quite.

I hear there'll have

a chocolate fountain later.

Well, I'm just here

to wish them well.

I won't cause any bother.

- Doofus

- I just want you to be happy, Frank.

I know he's your bestie now,

and I won't stand in your way.

I love you, so I'll let you go.

Thanks for coming, Frank.

It's no problem,

my little Pokemon.

You're still going through

with it?

Yeah.

Yeah, I had a chat

with Peter, and

Promise me you won't tell anyone

about my little wobble last night.

It was just nerves.

- Just nerves.

- (chuckles)

Your secret's safe with me.

- (metal clanging)

- PETER-BRIAN: Guys?

- Guys?

- Oh, God.

Can I say a couple of words?

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Moving in is a big step for us,

for me and Aine,

but it's the right one,

I'm pretty sure.

You know, in my business,

a lot of people need my help.

But outside office hours,

who really needs me?

You know? Who wants me?

That woman. Aine.

She needs me.

All hours of the f*cking day.

She's so clingy. It's It's

You know what? Screw it.

It's really f*cking

nice.

So why stop with a move,

you know?

f*ck it, yeah.

f*ck it!

Aine, darling!

Aine Finnegan,

will you marry me?

- (crowd murmurs)

- (coughs)

(scattered applause)

(cheering, applause)

Congratulations, darling.

What?

- Frank!

- Congratulations, man.

You and me, Frankie boy.

I gotta be honest,

I did not plan to do that

just now.

I think I've had one too many

of these again.

- (chuckles)

- Bring it in, big guy.

- I will never be your Doofus.

- What?

And if you keep

f*cking around on Aine,

I'll tell her you slept

with your patients.

That's not just a divorce,

that's your whole job gone.

No, Frank,

you wouldn't do that.

You were the first man

I ever wanted to be like.

What?

(scoffs)

Doofus.

Doofus!

I need you back, Frank.

He has to go.

Put down the firearm.

He's not my friend anymore.

- Really?

- He's a knob-end. You were right.

They're getting married, Doofus.

So we're besties again?

Better to reign in Hell

than serve in Heaven.

Did you come up with that?

Yeah.

FRANK:

Sorry about what I said before.

You're not like Kevin Costner

in "Waterworld."

You're like Kevin Costner

in "The Bodyguard."

DOOFUS: Ah! You're like Kevin Costner

in "The Untouchables."

You're like Kevin Costner

in "Field of Dreams."

You're like Kevin Costner

in "Tin Cup."

Haven't seen it.

You're like Kevin Costner

in "Tombstone."

That was Kurt Russell.

You're like, eh

Kevin Costner

in "Mr. Brooks."

Haven't seen that, either.

It's really good.

(groans)

Oh, pubes got you?

Yes. There's blood

in me undies.