01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

HE PANTS

HE SOBS

CHILDREN LAUGH AND SHOUT

Look at me, Daddy!

Oh, wow, honey, amazing.

Come on. Here we
go. We're here now.

Do you wanna go on the
swings? Yeah? On the swings.

Yeah! There you go.

Right, off you go!

Quickly. SHE CHUCKLES

Cold.

HE MIMICS A SHIVER Yeah.

HE MUMBLES

What age is your little
one? He's five. Harry.

Hi, Harry. This is
Charlie. She's five too.

Hey, Charlie. PHONE RINGS

Do you live nearby?

Yeah, yeah. You?

Yeah, just over
by the big church.

I love it round here.

It's a great community.
I never wanna leave.

Yeah. Oi! That's my swing!

Whoa, whoa. Don't
do that, please.

Get off the swing, it's
mine. No, no, please, please.

Leonardo, get back here now! I
think your dad's calling you.

Leonardo, get off!
Sorry about that, mate.

No, it's... it's... it's fine.
We've been on it for ages.

SMACK Argh!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. What did I tell you?

I'm sorry. Don't do that again.

Shall... Shall we go home
and have lunch, Harry?

Let's go get your big sister.

I can't believe you did that!

I can't believe you did
that! Call the police.

Oh, I... I don't think
we need to do that.

You need to get your
missus under control, mate.

She's not my wife. I don't
know her. He just hit his son!

You just hit your son! Yeah?

What you gonna do? SHE GRUNTS

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Whoa, hey! Mate, please.

Get away from me!
What you doing?

Oh, no, no, no. MAN GRUNTS

HE GASPS Jesus!

Please! HE GASPS

HE PANTS

Daddy forgot
Violet. Silly Daddy!

Violet?! Violet?!

Have you seen... Have you
seen a little girl anywhere?

What age is she?
She's... She's nine.

She's nine. Oh,
Violet. Sweetheart!

Did you see the attack?
I did. It was horrible.

I can... I can tell the
police all about it.

Why didn't you do
something, man?

What? Like intervene?
Look at her.

I...

I... I could...

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Cross, cross, cross, cross.

Fi! Fi!

John? Take the
kids. Take the kids!

What's going on? I've
got to get out of here.

John?

Where are you going?!

BREATHES SHAKILY

PANTS SOFTLY

BREATHING QUICKENS

Sorry! Oh, Jesus. Fi!

I really need to pee!

CHILDREN YELL IN BACKGROUND

Oh, so, the neighbours have
invited us over for dinner.

Which neighbours?

The Christians. Oh, God!

Yeah. Oh, and get this,
turns out... she's a vicar.

A female vicar? It's like
we never left Dalston!

Can we swear in front of her?

Can we... Can we mention
we have g*y friends?

Oh, I love it when you're wet.
It reminds me of our first kiss.

John! Stop it. The
kids might come in.

We should find time tonight.
Oh, there's too much going on.

I want you to handcuff me to the
bed and do anything you want to me.

We've got dinner with the vicar.

After dinner with the vicar.

HE SIGHS We'll be too tired.

Remember I'm seeing
that therapist today.

Who's looking after
the kids? You are.

I'm working! Fi, I told
you about this last week.

I've got a meeting
with the publisher

and I'm already behind schedule.

And when are you gonna
move these boxes?

OK, I'm sorry. I'll do it today.

So what am I supposed to do?

Take them with you.
Don't be ridiculous!

You don't take your
kids to therapy!

Just stick them in front
of a screen. It'll be fine.

It's what you usually do.

We're going out now! Hurry
up, both of you, come on.

Stop messing around. No!
I wanna stay at home!

John? Harlequin caught a mouse.

Eurgh. That's not a
mouse. That's a rat!

Get away... Don't touch it!

Come on. Get... Get away.

Get in the car. I believe
we're having dinner tonight.

Finally, a chance to get
to know each other better.

Get in the car! Yeah,
looking forward to it.

On your feet! Hey,
hey, hey, hey!

Stop fighting. Fingers. No!

Would you care to come along
to my Bible group beforehand?

Yeah, I'm running a bit late.

Don't forget what
happened to Jonah.

He kept running away from God and
ended up in the belly of a fish.

HE CHUCKLES

You get going. I'll
take care of this guy.

Put it in! No, never!

BOTH: ♪ ..had a farm
Ee-eye, ee-eye, oh

♪ And on that farm he had
a cow Ee-eye, ee-eye, oh...

♪ Baa-baa here, baa-baa there

♪ Here a baa, there a
baa Everywhere a baa-baa

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm

♪ Old MacDonald had a cow

♪ Ee-eye, ee-eye, oh... ♪

Right, can we turn the music
off now, please? BOTH: No!

SHOUTING: Shush!

Why did we move here?
I miss my friends.

You're the worst daddy in the
world and I hate you. You're evil.

Thanks, Harry. That's
really nice [!]

Harry, Daddy's not EVIL.
He's just useless and old.

HARRY CHUCKLES

So, what is it you'd like
us to work on today, John?

You mentioned an
incident in London?

I don't know if I'm
comfortable talking about that.

We don't have to talk about anything
that makes you uncomfortable.

You mentioned intimacy with
your wife has been an issue.

Shall we start there instead?

When did you last do it?

Been a while.

Why did you stop?

Did... Did something happen?

This morning...

...she tried to grab my p*nis.

And why did she do that?

Well, she was trying
to initiate sex.

I was erect.

Perhaps she thought that YOU
were trying to initiate sex?

Given your...

...your tumescence.

Well, I'd been...

...masturbating in the shower.

Were you thinking about your
wife when you were masturbating?

Does anyone think about
their wife? JOHN CHUCKLES

Do you think about your wife?

I'm... I'm not married,
so... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Fergie.

Hmm?

I was thinking about Fergie.

HE STAMMERS

Fergie? You know Fergie? She's
a MILF pop singer. American.

Oh, God, right!

For a second, I thought you
meant Sir Alex Ferguson.

JOHN CHUCKLES No,
no! God! No, no.

You also could've meant
the Duchess of York.

Sarah Ferguson, yeah.
That would be...

Yep... quite an orgy.

THEY CHUCKLE

MILF stands for "Mum
I'd like to f*ck".

HOARSELY: Yes.

Shall we talk about YOUR mother?

I don't think we're there yet.

SOFTLY: OK.

MUFFLED CRYING

SHUSHING What's
the matter, Harry?

Oh, come and give Mummy a cuddle.
He's been crying like that all day!

Have you checked his temperature?
I think he's not well.

I couldn't find the
thermometer. SHE SIGHS

Look, do you mind
if I go for a run?

Could you make me a cup
of tea before you go?

Oh, love. Love. Harlequin!

Harlequin! Come on.

How was therapy? Fine, yeah.

Did you tell him about...?

Well, you don't just leap into the
serious stuff in your first session.

It's like a first date.

You keep your cards
close to your chest

before they see
the monster inside.

Did you tell him what
a monster I've been?

At some point, we are gonna
have to talk about this, John.

TEASPOON RATTLES

Thank you.

Oh, we need cough
medicine for Harry.

Right, fine. I'll
have to run tonight.

So you have enough energy
for a run, but not for sex?

I feel... old and sh*t.

You're gorgeous.

Oh, erm, can you check
if they have oat milk?

DOOR SLAMS

TYRES SCREECH

DOORBELL CHIMES

Excuse me. Sorry.

DOOR CHIMES

No! Angus, no! All
right, darling!

Angus, get out! Ah, come
on. Dinnae be weird.

You've been told!

I just want my ice
cream, right? No!

Put it back.

How many times do you need
to be told? Put it back.

He said if you come in
here, I can't serve you.

Aye, well, bring him out,
so I can talk to him.

You're barred!

ANGUS CHUCKLES Barred
from the Co-op?

Uh-huh. You cannae bar somebody
from the Co-op! It's the Co-op!

Angus, I'm not allowed to serve you.
Wait, wait, wait. Look, one beer.

No! One beer!

I won't even take the ice
cream. I'm not serving you.

THUMP

You believe this?

b*tch won't serve me.

SHE SCOFFS

Probably best to leave it, then.

You got a problem with
me, pal? SHE SIGHS

Leave it, Angus.

No, no. No?

It just... sounds like
you've got a problem?

No.

Gonnae f*ck off, then?

Well, I... I have to...
You have to f*ck off, aye?

I need cough medicine for
my son. He has a cough.

All right, aye.

Aye, see, if I cannae
have ice cream,

you cannae have
cough medicine, so...

Angus! f*ck...

...off!

I'll just leave
this. That's good.

I'll just leave this here.
Aye, just leave it there.

HE SNORTS BACK PHLEGM

Oh, where are you going, eh?

Hey!

Hey, where do you think
you're going, eh?!

Ah, here, that's a
nice motor, by the way.

JOHN STAMMERS

Jesus. Can I get a lift?

Here. Oh, here. Open the door.

Here! Open the door!

Oh, f*ck. Where do you
think you're going?

ANGUS CACKLES Where do
you think you're going?!

Eh? I'm coming to find
you! I know where you live!

You better watch your back,
mate! YELLS: Watch your back!

ANGUS CHUCKLES

ANGUS YELLS

Fu...

You f*ck off... prick!

HORN TOOTS

WHINING: Prick!

Me, me, me! DOORBELL RINGS

Just do it the once.
No more than once.

Hello!

Hello. Come on in. Come on in.

It's lovely to see
you. Welcome, guys.

Thank you so much for having us!

Oh, please, come in and
make yourself at home.

Come on. And you must
be the lovely John.

Why's she kissing Daddy?
Come on in. Come on in.

Tommy's just in there. He's
finishing off with the Bible group.

Go on, off you pop.

Who have we got here?
So, this is Harry.

...gambling, cursing,
stealing, fornicating.

Or trying to fornicate,
anyway. CHUCKLING

So, why did I come to believe?

What was it that
finally convinced me?

Well...

this guy.

This guy.

Jeffrey Dahmer, of
course, Dr Harold Shipman,

Fred West, Peter Sutcliffe.

A host of others. How could
such evil bring me to God?

Because as far as I could tell,
their evil was of a magnitude

that couldn't be explained
away by science or psychology.

"Oh, he had a
domineering mother."

Or, "He experienced
rejection at an early age."

No. Does that explain

ripping a man's heart out
of his chest and eating it

or defiling the corpse
of a cheerleader?

Through these apparent monsters,

I came to believe in the
existence of perfect evil.

And if perfect evil exists,

then so, too, must
perfect... good.

Ultimately, every k*ller
desires to be discovered.

John, meet the
boys! This is Bobby.

Hi. Hi. Brick.

Malky. Hello.

Take a pew.

I don't remember Jeffrey
Dahmer in the Bible.

No, we are a Bible group,

but truth be told, we've been
getting a bit bored of the Bible.

So many times you can
trudge through Leviticus.

What do you like to
talk about? Football.

Women. Cars.

It's a safe space. Well,
safe for us anyway.

THEY CHUCKLE Oh!

One more chap you haven't
been introduced to.

Good evening.

I'm Williams.

I was in at the bathroom.
And your name is?

So, Angus just attacked
you out of nowhere?

You wanna talk about
serial K*llers,

it was like having
Ed Gein coming at me!

CHUCKLES Ed Gein!
Angus is like Ed Gein!

Gein is the one that Hitchcock
based Psycho on, wasn't he?

Yeah, that's right.

Yes! John loves horror movies.

I can't stand them!

Why watch something that
keeps you awake all night?

Maybe that's why you
never sleep. Huh, maybe.

Honestly! Anything
with a haunted doll

or a creepy child, I am there!

Satanic cults. Oh, I
adore Satanic cults!

Ladies and gentlemen,
your local pastor!

LAUGHTER I do...

Well, I mean, I do feel
sorry for poor Angus, though.

Oh, here we go. No, I do.

He's all alone up
there in the woods.

MIMICS DELIVERANCE BANJO TUNE

It's not funny, Tommy. As a child,
he obviously had difficulties

that were never properly addressed.
And he was tormented at school.

It's just... I'm sorry, but having
a difficult childhood is no excuse

for violently
harassing a young woman

working a minimum wage job.

It's just not. Oh, I
do admire Catriona.

Ooh! She's just this young woman and
she supports herself with two jobs.

She's a fantastic
example to the community.

And our son, Cameron, he's had a
crush on her for years, hasn't he?

Because she's
absolutely gorgeous!

She certainly is.

Oh, also, I saw
this in the shop.

Uh-oh! Rebecca's bete noire.
Who k*lled Suzie Bissett?

Malky runs the m*rder tour.

What, is it real?
Sadly, yes, it is.

Suzie Bissett was m*rder*d
here in Coldwater...

When was it, darling?
Must be 25 years?

Thereabouts, yeah. Do
they know who did it?

No, they never
caught the k*ller.

I mean, it was widely assumed that
it was her boyfriend or her... pimp!

What was his name?

Brodie... Dwyer. That's it.

She was the local prost*tute,
so it could've been anyone.

You're meant to call
them sex workers.

I think it's shameful that Malky
tries to make a profit from it.

I've told him that. Good.

Because it gives a terrible
impression of Coldwater.

Like we're a den
of ultra violence!

It's actually really quiet here.
Well, quietness is what we're after.

John was always attracting
trouble in London.

Well... I wouldn't
put it like that.

You were always getting
into violent confrontations

with dangerous men!

DOORBELL RINGS Oh,
that'll be the boy.

Has he forgotten his keys again?
Will he ever remember them?

Never remembers the keys, doesn't
matter where you put them.

Where's your key? I don't know.

We've got guests.
Come and say hello.

Cameron, this is John, Fiona.

Hello. Hi.

Aren't you gonna say hello?

Oh, get off his back, Tommy!

Do you want some dinner, darling?
No, thanks, Mum. I've eaten.

Nice to meet you, John... Fiona.

Will you just give him a break?

He's just a bit shy
around strangers, Tommy.

I'm just gonna check
on Harry and Violet.

MUFFLED: He's a really sweet,
sensitive boy, actually.

TV: 'Hey, watch what
you're doing, dude.

'You're gonna take my head off.'

What you watching?

I didn't know you were famous! Oh,
no. I am not famous. Seriously.

Come on. We've
googled you, Fiona.

We've seen the
photographs. MIMICS BEEPS

We did have lots of famous
people coming to the restaurant.

Rebecca tells me
you're writing a book?

Yeah... Oh, God, who knows if
anyone will actually read it.

But... FI CHUCKLES

Erm, I have a publisher

and a pressing deadline,
and it's all very stressful.

Oh, it just sounds so
exciting and glamourous.

Oh, no, it's really not.

I'm more impressed
that you're a vicar!

Crikey, no! No, no, no, no.

My life is very dull, I'd
wager, compared to yours.

I wish someone would pay me
to write a book about my life.

Yes. I could tell some stories.

Yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah, I've just got in.

My dad's got the
neighbours round.

The ones from London.

Aye, yeah, he's old.

Dresses like a teenager,
but he's well into his 40s.

A bit of a loser.

What, the Co-op?

Angus Gillespie?

What did he say to him?

CAMERON CHUCKLES

As I said, a loser.

Can I help you?!

Sorry... I just... John?

Can you give me a wee hand?

Rebecca says I burn everything.
I insisted on cooking anyway.

Listening to your wife talking
about her fancy restaurant past

is making me a bit nervous.

Don't worry. She's not judgmental
about other people's cooking.

I'm not worried about your
wife, I'm worried about mine.

I can't have her taking the
mickey out of me every day

for the next month!

I think I can fix it. Yeah?

Mm-hm. Have at it.

Yes, cheers. Cheers,
cheers, cheers.

Do you know what,
Fiona, I was thinking -

you should really come
to church some time.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Well, we...
we don't believe in God.

Neither do I!

LAUGHS What?

Nooo! No, but don't
tell Tommy that!

He's still a firm
believer, bless him.

You see, for me,
it's more about...

Well, it's more about being
a part of a community.

Oh. And if there is a God,

God is people.

So what do you do
for a living, John?

Er... nothing.

I look after the kids.

Full time?

Yep. Oh. Good for you.

No, seriously.
Cameron hates me now,

cos I was never really
around much back then.

You've got a hot tub!

SHE GASPS Get in!

Can I? Yes, get in!

Oh, here we go.

I wish there was water in it.
No, there's no water in it!

Oh, thank you. There you go.

May I join you?
Yes, it's lovely.

SHE COOS

And that there, that's...
that's Tommy's shed.

Now, a word of advice,

never get John a shed if you
ever wanna see him again.

I mean, he practically
lives in that shed.

Heaven knows what
goes on in there!

I don't think I want
to know. THEY GIGGLE

Listen, I've gotta ask you,
why... why did you move here?

Well, cos I thought it
was the perfect place

to write my book, that's all.

John was OK with that?

Yeah! John wanted to move
here more than I did.

He couldn't wait
to leave London.

I'm really glad you're here.

Aw.

So, how was therapy?

Williams told me.

He was all excited cos he hasn't
had a new client in years.

And he said it was someone who'd
moved into the area recently.

So, come on, who
else could it be?

OK.

I'm a nosy bugger, aren't I?

Sorry, I can see you like to keep
your cards close to your chest.

No, I think I'm
quite open, really.

So, why did you come here?

To Scotland? Mm.

We've always liked it here.

And we decided it was
time for a change.

Because...?

Well, I mean...

Just people don't suddenly change
unless something's wrong or...

...I don't know.

Well, I... I... I have this...

I suppose it's a kind
of... PTSD thing.

Ah!

I haven't really slept
since it happened.

Since what happened?

Oh, wh...

When I was in London, I was
in a play park with the kids.

And this man, he...
he hit his kid.

This woman intervened.

And, erm...

...he hit her.

He kicked her in the stomach.

And I ran away.

I ran away, and I
left Violet behind.

VOICE BREAKS: I abandoned my...

I abandoned my girl.

They'll grow up knowing
their father's a coward.

I don't believe that for a second.
Look at today, how you intervened.

You let Angus take out
all his rage on you,

instead of young Catriona.

You're a good man, John.

Would you pray with me?

Er, what? Will you
join me in prayer?

Ah, no. I, er... I'm not a...

No. Why not?

I don't pray.

Would you like to try it?

Come on, don't make me look like
a fool in front of the big man.

JOHN CHUCKLES

Thank you, Lord, for
bringing John and Fiona,

and their children
into this community.

Thank you for John's
honesty and his friendship.

We come before you tonight,
Lord, to ask for strength.

For humility.

We remember that when
you walked on the water

and you asked Peter to join you,

he needed courage before he
could take the first step.

I swear he's burnt this
dinner. I knew he would.

I should never have let
him bloody cook! Come on.

We ask you for that
same courage...

...that you showed
your disciple, Peter.

Amen.

I'll go and check
on the children.

SOFTLY: Amen.

Mwah! Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Oh, look at these
precious little angels.

I wish we could have
another. Come on, then.

Hey! Stop it, you.

You'll wake the bairns!

"Bairns." Listen to you.
Thanks for having us tonight.

Listen...

...call me anytime.

Thanks, Tommy.

Watch the steps.

VIOLET: Put me
down! Night, night.

I can walk by myself!
All right, all right!

Thank you. Night,
night. Good night.

FI: Good night. Bye-bye.

Oh, come on. A
lot to talk about!

So, listen to this, she
told me she's an atheist.

JOHN SCOFFS Rebecca?

Yeah! Oh, well...

I thought you'd
be more surprised.

Well, I imagine most vicars
don't really believe all of it.

The Virgin Birth. The
miracle of the 12 fishes.


saying it to seem normal.

The last thing those
people are is normal.

Well, I liked them. Seriously?

Didn't you?

I love Rebecca. I think
she's mad and she's funny.

Well, I love Tommy.

He's so comfortable in his
own skin. He's authentic.

I get the impression...

...you're not a fan.

He makes my skin crawl.

Come on.

Do you think we
should go to church?

I think that praying's done
something to your head.

Well, I did get
something from it. What?

I don't know, just a feeling.

Like someone was
looking out for me. Mm.

Can I tell you what
I got from it? What?

I liked seeing
you on your knees.

Fi...

Ah, f*ck. Fi, Fi,
stop, stop, please.

f*ck! f*ck! I'm sorry.

We don't have to
actually do anything.

It's just nice to be close.

We can't leave.

Hmm? We can't go back to London.

Why are you saying that?

Because I think you're
already considering it...

No, I'm not. ..If
it doesn't work out.

If what doesn't work out?

The whole "cook book" thing.
Don't call it a "cook book".

It is a cook book.
It's a culinary memoir.

I'm just saying...

You're not a literary
talent, and...

and this is a new enterprise

and it's not as if you're
exactly Philip Roth.

I know I'm not Philip Roth! I'm
not trying to be Philip Roth.

You don't know who Roth
is. Portnoy's Complaint.

American Pastoral. OK,
so you do know who he is.

I can't believe you said that.

I just meant... I don't
know what I meant.

Well, we can't go back to London

because you might abandon
Violet in a play park again!

Sorry.

JOHN SIGHS

Play park was YOUR fault.

Is that what you really think?

Yeah.

Wow.

Just being honest.

Well, maybe that's the best thing
about moving here is that we can...

we can start being more
truthful with each other.

Look, I get resentful
because, I mean,

you're the one who
wanted to move here

and I feel like I'm
doing everything, and...

and you don't appreciate it. I'm
the one looking after the kids.

You hate being with them. I
do not hate being with them.

I'm just not a
naturally good father.

I have to work at it.

You ARE a good father!

But your mind's somewhere
else. Look, I'm the same.

I keep worrying that we've done
the wrong thing. And I'm...

...I'm terrified
that I'm gonna fail.

You're not gonna fail.
Fi, you're not gonna fail.

And as for settling in
here, we made the decision.

We'll just embrace it.

That's what winners like us do.

You still love me, don't you?

Totally.

Do you still love me?

Completely.

THUD WHISPERS: What was that?

I don't know. Well, go and see!

'I'm coming to find you!
I know where you live!'

RATTLING

Oh, Jesus! JOHN BREATHES HEAVILY

EXHALES DEEPLY

ANIMAL BARKS

JOHN PANTS

UNDERGROWTH SNAPS

Hey!

ANGUS CHUCKLES

All right, big man.
What you doing here?

It's me. Hey!

Oi! Hey!

Dinnae just f*cking ignore me
when I'm calling after you, eh?

What do you f*cking want?!

Are you following me? What?

I feel like you're
stalking me or something.

Of course I'm not stalking you.

Aye, well, I told you to watch
your back, though, didn't I?

ANGUS LAUGHS MANICALLY

Just leave me alone.

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Just
leave me alone!"

f*cking English poof.

w*nk*r. What did
you just call me?

GRUNTING

ANGUS GROWLS

ANGUS LAUGHS MANICALLY

ANGUS GRUNTS

THUD

JOHN GASPS

THUD, JOHN PANTS

THUD

BIRD CAWS

JOHN PANTS

LAUGHTER ECHOES

John?

BREATHES RAPIDLY

Oh, God.

You're all right. Oh, God.

You're all right. HE SHUSHES

You sure no-one saw you?

There was... There was no-one
around that I could see.

SOBBING: I left him without a
face. He didn't have a face.

That's the dark.

That's your imagination
running wild.

Have you called the police?

I'll deal with the police.

I'll deal with Angus.

I have to tell Fiona.

Do... not... tell... her.

You keep this secret.

SOBBING: I k*lled him.

You don't know that.

Help me... to help you, John.

OK?

Why are you helping me?

Cos you're a good man.

There's three steps out
of this. You listening?

Shower, sleep...

...silence.

Say it back to me.

Shower.

Sleep.

Silence.

Silence.

ENGINE TURNS AND REVS

JOHN WEEPS

Daddy... I can't sleep.

Hey, you're OK, it's all right.

Come on, now.

It's all right.

Shh. Shh.

There you go.

WHEEZING AND GROANING

ANGUS WHEEZES

LABOURED BREATHING

Shh...

Shh...

Wee Angus.

Come here.

MUFFLED GROANS

GROANING STOPS

God... forgive me.

Help me find a way
out of this mess.

CAR DOOR SLAMS, FOOTSTEPS

THUD

♪ Are you washed in the blood

♪ Oh, are you washed In
the blood of the lamb?

♪ Are you fully trusting
In His grace this hour?

♪ Are you washed In
the blood of the lamb?

♪ Oh, will your soul be ready
For the mansion's bright

♪ And be washed in the
blood Of the lamb? ♪