Shorts (2009)

[bunniefuu]

I know. Let's play Who Blinks First.

Loser has to do you-know-what.

Ready, set, go.

TEACHER: There are six steps.
First we state the question.

[BOTH Snoring]

[CLATTER]

MOTHER: What's the matter
with you two? Clean up this mess.

Who won?

Oh, man.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

TOE:
This is my neighbourhood.

And these are some of my neighbours.

Go 10 paces west.

-One, two--
-That's east, you lunched.

Oh, okay.

-One--
-South.

MOTHER:
Boys? Come look after your sister.

LUG:
So much for our treasure hunt.

Lodge:
That baby is always ruining our adventures.

TOE:
Some of my neightbours are weird.

[GAS Hassling]

NOSEWORTHY:
Okay, that'll do it. Give me your foot.

Other foot.

Okay, inside. The germs are coming.

TOE: In fact, some of them
are not very neighbourly at all.

And then there's my house...

...with its quaint, adorable, everyday,
supportive and connected family.

Mega power point damage.
Super effective.

Nana-blast. Major confusion.

Still playing with your imaginary friends?

No.

Freak.

I don't think I'm a freak.

Do you think I'm a freak?

Shut up. Who asked you?

TOE:
And we should be connected.

After all, this is Black Box Unlimited
Worldwide industries incorporated...

...or Black, link. for short.

You know them as the guys that make
the Black Box all-in-one gadget...

... that's sweeping the nation.

The whole operation is smack-dab in
the middle of the Black Falls Community.

Development to manufacturing
to shipping...

...all in one centralized location.

Hundreds and hundreds of employees
both live and work here...

...including my parents.

I've got a garage full of gadgets.

Why do I need this one, Mr. Black?

What does the Black Box do?

Mike, the question is,
what doesn't it do?

It's not only the ultimate
communication device...

...keeping us connected
to each other and the world.

That's not all. It's also
a multimedia player, a can opener...

...a dog groomer...

...a vacuum cleaner...

...a baby monitor.

It's a shredder.

It calls the ambulance if you fall down
in your bathroom and can't get up.

It removes rust, paint, pet odours.
Thousands of uses.

It's just about everything
you could ever possibly wish for.

In super grandee, grandee y el nana.

TOE: And this is the man
who owns it all, Mr. Black.

Mr. Carbon Black.

I hope that applause was meant
for you, my trusted partners...

...in our quest to put the Black Box...

...in every hand and home
in the civilized world.

That is our goal.

Who can tell us how close
we are to achieving it?

That's right.

Not even close.

And why is that?

Because the Black Box
is facing fierce competition...

...from the Purple Pyramid,
the Silver Cylinder and other such rip-offs.

-They're nowhere near as good.
BLACK: They're catching up.

And I can't have them eating
into our profits.

[BOX BEEPS]

We need to leave them all...

...in the dust!

Let them eat soot.

Sir?

Focus groups have identified our multiple
uses as a drawback instead of a positive.

We're offering a toaster option.

Nowadays, most people
don't even eat bread.

-She's right.
-You're fired.

-So are you.
-But--

Do your spouses also work
for this company?

-Yes.
-Yes.

They're fired as well. Move out
of your homes, effective immediately.

You think fear tactics and cutthroat
competition yield better results?

Well, it won't!

[BOX Dialling]

[Grunting]

The new Version X upgrade...

...has to shut down the competition
once and for all.

Have them playing catch-up
for the next 10 years.

-Team A leader?
-Yes, sir?

-Team B leader?
-Right here.

I expect results soon. Live up
to this challenge, you make partner.

Don't and you
and your families are out.

But we're married.

I don't see how your social life
is my concern.

So if he loses,
then I get fired even if I win?

Well, no, that's preposterous. Heh, heh.

But you just said
if she doesn't make partner...

...then she and her family are out,
and I'm her family.

Then you better not lose.

Clearly you two haven't figured out that
delightful little paradox called marriage.

Just get it done, whatever it takes.

TOE:
And the answer to Black's problem--

Whatever it takes.

TOE:
--it literally fell from the sky.

No, no, no. Wait.

Is that what happened next?

See that wishing rock I'm holding?

It made things so confusing,
I can hardly remember the order of events.

Go forward a bit.

TOE:
Yeah, that wasn't it either.

I'm probably going to have to tell you
the story completely out of order...

...in a series of shorts.

TOE:
Let's start here.

Maybe we should go back to when
I first came into possession...

...of the rainbow-collared rock.

[Beeping]

[ALARM POWERS DOWN]

TOE:
Oh, by the way...

...my name is Toby, Toby Thompson.

[YAWNS]

I want to give you an idea
of how I start every morning.

Maintaining a mouth like this
is no small task.

First I use a special toothbrush
between the wires and my gums...

...to loosen any food particles
that may have lodged in my braces.

Upper teeth: positioning the bristles
at a 45-degree angle...

...brushing towards the gum
in a circular motion.

Inside, tops,
then repeat for the lower set.

Rinse, spit, mirror check.

Is this the reason people think
I'm a dork?

Of course not.

Braces are necessary
when you have hillbilly teeth like mine.

No, no. Not done yet.

Now I floss...

...and use a special pick
to get under the brackets.

Rinse, spit, mirror check.

That's it. Time to eat breakfast.

Guess what. Toby's playing
with his imaginary friends again.

Am not.

Shouldn't you be already
moved out by now?

I mean, you are, like, 19 or 20.

Keep it down. I can't hear myself type.

What about your friend Nose?
Don't you play with him anymore?

Toby, you need friends.

Friends are very important.

Look at your dad and l.
We're the best of friends.

[DAD MAKES Kissing SOUND]

Oh, he has plenty of friends at school,
Mom. They can't wait to see him.

In fact, I hear he has
his own welcoming committee.

TOE: That's just a nice way
of saying "bullies at school. "

I know I'm not the only kid
in the world to get picked on...

...but my situation is unique
in a few ways.

Hey, metal mouth.
Got another date with the trash can.

TOE:
Hold on.

This is Cole Black, son of Mr. Black.

If you're thinking this is the worst kid
in the whole school, wait.

He's got a sister.

Helvetica Black, the leader of the pack.

COLE:
Heh, heh. Wimp.

Shall we do this?

I just realized something.

I know why you have them
beat up on me every day.

Because I hate you?

Because you love me.

Bullies:
Ooh....

That's right, isn't it?

We're both outsiders.

-We're both ignored.
-[MOUTHS] No.

We both have railroad tracks
for braces.

We're lonely and boring
and always getting in trouble...

...because we have nothing else
better to do.

So you're head over heels in love with me
and that makes you...

...furious.

Am I right?

How about...

...no?

[TOE GRUNTS]

[CRASH]

TOE:
So I'm not a psychologist.

Lodge:
My science report today is about...

...science.

Oh, man, I just forgot it.

Um....

The scientific part of it,
which would be, um...

...science.

TOE: This fish is the only friend
I have in this dump.

How you doing?

TOE: Don't get me wrong,
it's a really good school.

It's just the people in it that suck.

Lodge: In olden times, they burned
scientists and they called them witches...

...because the townspeople
didn't understand science...

...and they thought it was magic.

Like using a magic rock
to make wishes come true.

-But I have a hypenothesis.
-Hypothesis.

Logier, you didn't do your homework,
did you?

Yeah, I did, but a crocodile ate it.

Really, I'm serious.

Next presenter.

Scientists who study wasps...

...have long observed aggressive behaviour
in stronger females...

...towards the weaker males
of the colony...

...including threats of stinging
and mauling.

But recently, they have discovered
that some females...

...will force the male headfirst
into an empty cell in the nest.

Behaviour known as "male stuffing."

I'd like to demonstrate this phenomenon
using a trash can and a volunteer.

Toe Thompson?

-Hey, my name is Toby--
-Shh.

The Blinkers are going for the record.

They've been in a stare-off
since second period.

TOE:
What's the record?

Longer than you have to live.

Candy bars?

Why do you let yourself
get bullied like that?

I don't really think I have a choice.

Sure you do.
Doesn't matter who their dad is.

What matters is who you are,
who you want to be.

And you live your life like that?

Of course. Ow.

Come on, Logier, you dork.
We got to get home.

We're going to try to get the baby
to give us lottery numbers.

Good luck with
the whole two-minutes-to-live thing.

TOE:
It shouldn't be this hard to make friends.

I'm smart. I'm funny.

Like funny, ha-ha. Not funny weird.

So, what's wrong with me?

What' s wrong with you?

Oh, buddy, where do I begin?

TOE:
Run, run, run. Chase, chase, chase.

Ah.

Get me a rock!

Get me a rock!

Where's my rock?

BOY:
Run!

It's going to be worse for you
tomorrow, freak.

BOY:
Let's go!

Huh?

[TOE GRUNTS]

ROCK Voice:
Make a wish.

Who said that?

ROCK Voice:
Make a wish.

Must be hearing things.

ROCK Voice:
Make a wish.

Make a wish.

Okay, okay.

I wish I had friends...

...as interesting and as unique as I am.

[GASPS]

[Giggles]

Friends.

Come on, guys. Get in there.

[Panting]

[ON TV]
We sifted some flour.

We talk about clarified butter, because
people get concerned about butter.

You can make clarified butter at home.

MOM:
Hi.

Why didn't you take the bus?
That's always our backup plan.

It's okay. I just felt like walking.

Sorry, son. I, uh, texted your mom to
pick you up, because my meeting ran late.

I texted your dad saying that I couldn't go,
so he should leave early and pick you up.

Your text messages must've gotten lost
in a sea of my text messages.

Same with yours. Mine. Whatever.

Noodles?

It's okay, I'll serve myself.

Oh. You having problems
with your Black Box too?

Yeah.

No.

Ugh! I just broke up with my boyfriend.
He thinks he's so mature, you know?

He's not. He's a child.

He is living with his parents
and isn't he, like, 23?

No.

[Tinkling NEARBY]

What was that?

[Tinkling Continues]

It's probably the ice maker...

...making ice?

I'll go check on it.

[BLENDER Humming]

DAD:
Humph.

Whoa.

Did you guys come
from a gourmet planet?

[Grunting]

Thanks, guys.

Team leaders!

Progress report.

Uh, I've implemented some new procedurals
that should maximize our value potential.

Well, I have highlighted our asset
management and jump-started...

...our business paradigm.

One moment, please.

Sounds like a load to me.

Initiate termination procedure?

Mm.

Not yet.

I'll fire one of them
at the company costume ball.

That should be good
for company morale.

Very well, then.
Keep up the good work, you two.

We are going to get fired.

Nice.

Very nice.

Time to clean your room, sport.

Well...

...someone's looking
for a raise in their allowance.

Do you guys also clean...

...teeth?

Toby. Where are my keys?

I know you're hiding them,
you little alien.

JOHN [OVER PHONE]:
Maybe I do keep messing up...

...and maybe it is all my fault, but--

No, no. I broke up with you...

...so why are you calling me,
Mr. I'm-23-And-l-Still-Live-With-My-Mom?

JOHN: Hey, I wish you would
just stop talking about my mom...

Pretty.

JOHN:
...and just go out with me again, God.

Oh. Okay, well, I wish you'd grow up.
How about--?

JOHN:
Whoa, that's huge!

My hand's huge!
My hand's huger than my foot!

I'm growing, I'm growing!

-Relax. Jeez.
JOHN: I'm getting so big that--

You fixed all my teeth.

How strong are you guys?

I mean, if you really had to be tough
against a bully.

Because I might have a job for you
tomorrow at school.

I was hoping for something
a little more menacing.

Allen:
I will show no mercy.

[GRUNTS THEN THUD]

[TOE MOANS]

TOE:
You're hired.

I have no time for you,
but now I'm having to chase you down?

JOHN [OVER PHONE]:
I don't feel so good. I'm in the hospital.

-in the hospital?
JOHN: And it's all your fault.

Oh, my fault? How is it my fault?

JOHN: They're building me
a bigger room as we speak.

They're making a bigger room for you?
What are--?

JOHN: You see what happens?
-Hello?

JOHN:
Oh, no! It's happening again!

Hello?

[JOHN Snarling OVER PHONE]

[BOX BEEPS]

Dad says I have to give you a ride.

It's okay. I just feel like walking.

You look different.
Did you bathe or something?

No.

Weirdo.

I'll take it from here, guys.

Can't have anybody seeing you...

...yet.

There he is!

Grab him!

[TOE GASPS]

How would you like your braces
up your nose?

Your braces.

Where are they?

Up my nose.

[Whispers]
I put a few candy bars in the front pocket.

My Black Box is set to music mode
in case you get hungry or bored.

Who are you talking to?

Imaginary friends?

Allen:
Rock 'n' roll.

Heavy metal.

Not today.

Now, class, we continue our experiments
with combustible liquids...

...so everyone please take your seats
and make sure to wear eye protection.

Now that we've isolated our agents...

...we can make a hypothesis
as to the outcome.

[ROCK Music Blaring]

Toby, can we stifle our inner
High School Musical long enough...

...to observe this chemical reaction?

I have to get it exactly right.

Once we introduce the catalyst....

-Give it back.
Allen: Mine, mine, mine.

Mine, mine, mine.

Mine.

Ow!

-Sorry.
-You will be.

Drop it!

Very perceptive, Toby.

We must be certain
to use the proper amount of catalyst.

In this case...

...one drop.

-That's it.
-Task, task, task.

TOE:
You asked for it.

[AS TONY MONTANA]
Say hello to my little friends.

Mr. Thompson, perhaps a visit
to the principal's office is in order...

...possibly followed by one
to the school psychologist!

[Helvetica GRUNTS]

[BOTH YELL]

[YELPS]

[BOTH Screaming]

[THUD THEN BOTH GRUNT]

ALL:
Break!

[COLE YELLS]

[BOTH Groaning]

I think I broke...

...a nail.

Me too.

[TOE Moaning]

I'm going to squash you for this.

I know.

So you don't know
who those little dudes were?

I thought they were my friends.

He wished for friends.
We should abduct him.

He is not evolved enough
for an autopsy.

He has friends all around.
He just doesn't know it yet.

TOE:
Well, my alien buddies didn't stick around.

I guess friends can't be wished
into existence.

You got to work for them.

Ha. Ha.

Let's see you try it.

I was right.

You do like me.

TOE:
You got to have enemies...

...to know who your friends are.

Mm, toe jam.

TOE: And now that my space aliens
have disappeared...

...I have at least one new friend:

Logier.

In fact, he's really the one
to blame for all this.

So let's go all the way back
to the real beginning...

...with Logier, his brothers...

...and the storm that started it all.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I'm tired of video games
and I'm bored with TV.

Let's do something.

LASER: We've been through this before.
There's nothing else to do.

Come play video games with us.
We need a third person.

Let's go on an outdoor adventure.

There's a huge thunderstorm. Look.

REPORTER [ON TV]:
The biggest rainstorm in Texas history.

Well, folks, it looks like we're....

That's strange.
It's raining everywhere else.

LUG:
What the...?

Outside! Bring the treasure map!

LASER:
Wait a minute, guys.

What are we going to do about Baby?

It's in baby monitor mode.

If she wakes up,
I'll hear it on my Black Box...

...and we'll come back
and give her a bottle.

LASER:
Huh.

I don't get it.
What happened to the storm?

Maybe it's global warming.

This sucks.

Even my brain feels hot.

I read once
that yawning cools the brain.

LUG: Well, just keep talking
and I'll start yawning for sure.

Look at that!

You know what's at the end
of a rainbow, don't you?

-Skittles?
-No, a pot of gold!

LUG:
Treasure!

LASER: Awesome!
Lodge: Let's go!

-Guys, look. It's the end of the rainbow.
-No way.

Or the beginning of the rainbow.

What?

Lodge:
This rock wasn't here before.

What if the rain dropped
the rock from the sky...

...and the sun comes out,
hits the rock...

...creating this prismatic separation
of the light from the sun...

...thus causing a rainbow.

Okay, Dr. Dumb Butt.

Feels powerful.

What do you think it is?

I wish I knew.

It's a wishing rock.

LASER:
How do you know?

It just told me.

Okay, then, wish for something.

I wish for a never-ending supply
of chocolate bars.

LASER:
Huh?

Well, there's one.

And another and another.

And two more. And another.

-Cool. A never-ending pocketful of candy.
-Do you realize what we have here?

-Lots of chocolate.
-No. This is--

-Hey.
-This is mine.

It was my idea to go on an adventure,
so the wishing rock belongs to me.

Don't make any wishes, Logier.
We don't even know the rules yet.

I mean, that thing doesn't even
come with any instructions.

Yeah, no strategy guide,
cheat codes, or nothing.

I wish for the instructions.

LUG:
We can't read all that.

I wish for the short version
of the instructions.

What's it say?

Puff. " Make a wish."

Then I wish for a fortress.

With a canyon around it
filled with man-eating crocodiles...

...and venomous snakes
to protect the Rainbow Rock from thieves.

ALL:
Whoa!

LASER: How about putting an end
to global warming?

World hunger?

-Wish for world peace.
-Yeah.

Let me finish my canyon of doom first.
People would k*ll for this.

Not if there's world peace!

[LASER GRUNTS]

I was about to wish for superpowers.

[ALL Grunting]

I think one of us has to go get it.

LASER:
Well, you wanted an adventure, didn't you?

What'd you wish for again?

LUG:
Snakes? Crocodiles?

I think that's all.

You don't like my canyon?

Does it need more doom?

[LASER Sighs]

Hey, look. It's the rock.

Finally.

LASER:
Logier.

-Almost got it.
-No, it's almost got you.

What? Aah!

[BOTH GRUNT]

[SNAKES Hassling]

Lodge:
Run, Laser, run!

[LASER YELLS]

LASER:
Remind me to wish for something big!

-What for?
-So I can smack you with it!

[GRUNTS]

[SNAKES Hassling]

What do I do?

If it was a video game,
you'd go get the rock.

-Good idea.
-But it's not a video game.

Logier!

[Whimpers]

I wish the snakes would disappear.

Did he chew?

No. But he ate my homework.

And I think I felt him make a wish.

LASER:
What would a crocodile possibly wish for?

He's already strong, fast...

...and he can run on all four legs.

Guys, I think I know what he wished for.

-Run!
LASER: Aah!

-Oh, no! We'll never make it!
-Yes, we will.

Guys, keep running.

LASER:
Get us out of here.

I wish something would take us away.

[Screeching FROM ABOVE]

[ALL Yelling]

A pterodactyl?
Couldn't you have been more specific?

Hey, I didn't know.

You're always wishing for wrong stuff.

Thanks a lot, Logier.

At least we're safe up here.

I don't get it.
How did they climb out of the canyon?

Lodge:
Holy peanut-butter cups.

-Great, now the baby's crying.
-We got to get back. Wish us home.

If I wish for superpowers,
I could get them to fall off.

Hurry it up, whatever you do.

I wish I had telephones is.

[in Unison]
Telekinesis, you dummy!

I wish I had telekinesis.

[LUG & LASER Yelling]

Phew. Okay.

We have a castle, telekinesis
and a pterodactyl.

Now what?

I don't know.

[SCREECH THEN FLATULENCE
FROM ABOVE]

Wish for a hat?

Got to think about this more carefully.

I wish we could just go back home
and start over.

It's too dangerous to have around.

We got to keep it
out of the wrong hands.

Your hands are the wrong hands.

Change your head back, Logier.

-This has certain advantages.
-What advantages?

[PHONE Rings]

Hello?

All right. I wish the phone was gone.

Logier, we need to be smart about this.

Then that's the answer.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

I wish one of us was super smart.

BABY:
It is l.

My modes of transference
are beyond yours now.

I don't need words to communicate.

Only thoughts.

You're hearing me with your minds.

You're right.

I wish for a...

...catapult.

-Think of all the things we could do.
-Too risky.

-We could--
-Too dangerous.

-How about--?
-Too ridiculous.

Although we did have ourselves
quite the adventure there, didn't we?

We could take care of
that world-peace problem.

-Now you're talking.
-Yeah.

BABY: My calculations show you would've
figured out a way to screw it up.

Who, us?

BABY:
Yes.

TOE: So maybe
the baby was smart to get rid of it.

But it didn't really matter...

...because the rock kept coming back.

Get me a rock!

-Where' s my rock?
-Here.

TOE: I'm sorry. I'm still not getting
the order of this story correctly...

...so I'm going to jump on over
to this short...

... with that weird kid
I was telling you about...

...a kid everyone calls "Nose. "

Nose and I were in school together.

We were almost friends...

...until his father, Dr. Noteworthy,
the top scientist for Black, link...

...started his top-secret research
involving...

...germs.

Unfortunately, Dr. Noteworthy
was terrified of germs...

...and one day, he simply flipped out.

So much so that he and his son, Nose...

... wrapped their house in plastic
and only came out wearing full bio suits.

And that's just how things were:
a little weird.

But like everything else in Black Falls...

...about to get a little weirder.

COMPUTER:
Welcome to the Noteworthy home.

You will be subjected
to decontamination...

...before entering
our germ-free environment.

You are now receiving
a series of ion blasts...

... to remove any contaminants
from the surface of your body.

Germs invade our bodies
to steal the energy we produce...

...Leaving behind harmful toxins that can
cause runny noses, fevers, headaches...

...chicken pox, measles, cavities,
diarrheal, necrotizing fasciitis...

...and in some cases, death.

The decontamination process
is now complete.

You may enter.

And welcome.

They do not pay me enough for this.

Dad?

[YELLS]

Didn't I tell you,
don't sneak up on me in here.

Sorry, my tutor is here.

I was just looking for your scientific
calculator. Mine's broken.

Just use your Black Box. Just choose the
scientific calculator function in the menu.

It's next to the cheese grater.

Mine's dead.
I just think there's too many features.

The batteries won't hold a charge...

-...for more than a few minutes.
-Tell me something I don't know.

But let me ask you something.
Have you been keeping yourself clean?

Huh?

-Of course.
-Oh, boy.

If you could see what I can see.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

All right, I can't have any more
interruptions today.

I've got to readjust the cell regulator.

I tried recalibrating
the mitochondrial synthesizer...

...but I just can't get it to live
in an extracellular environment.

And on top of it all--

What are you do--?
How many times do I have to tell you?

Don't pick your nose.

It is completely unsanitary.

If your nose is full...

...you go into the bathroom
and you clean it out with antiseptic wipes.

But-- Booger!

Boogers are like focal material.

Your body is trying to get rid of it.

It pushes it up, up, up, out,
and then pop.

But what do you do?
You put it back in your mouth.

Back into the system.
And it has to start all over again.

I'm sorry.

Mankind has been evolving
too many millennia for you to reinvest--

Okay!

Go wash your hands
with antibacterial soap.

-And make sure you use the--
-Antiseptic wipes?

Yes, the wipes. And...

...I'm going to go take a nap.

Excuse you. How can you be late
to school when it's in your own house?

NOSE:
I was getting my calculator.

-What's that?
-It's just some kind of rock.

You can have it if you want.
It's been decontaminated.

Okay, well, today we're going to do
fractional inconsistencies.

NOSE: What's it like out there today?
-Don't you look out the window?

I have security video screens, but they
don't really show the colour of the sky.

You know, you could just go outside.

I mean, a little fresh air won't k*ll you.

Are you crazy? So-called fresh air
is loaded with pollutants.

On top of that,
you've got the ozone washed in UV...

...allergens and all kinds of impurities.

At least that's what Dad says.

And I agree.

What's up with your dad?

Stress. Something about
a, uh, mitochondrial relay.

I just wish that his inventions worked
the way they were supposed to.

[Powering UP]

[COMPUTER Chimes]

STACEY:
What's he doing here?

[OVER Monitor]
Nose!

You haven't come to visit in almost a year.
I should break your arms.

But it looks like someone beat me to it.
What do you want?

Ah, I'm sorry about that,
but I've lost something very important.

-it looks like it came in your direction.
-It's not a good time.

It's a rock. It looks like a rainbow
and it's this big.

How would I have it?
I never leave this place.

Got to go, bye.

Ugh, he's a virus. Okay, back to work.

I know he's your brother, but--

Yeah, he's been my personal parasite
since he wiggled out of the womb.

What was that?

Dad's breaking things in the lab again.
Let me go check on him.

Help me up.

What are you doing?
He said he didn't have it.

TOE: Well, he must've been lying.
-How can you tell?

-Because his lips were moving.
-Are you crazy?

We have to get that rock back
or else nothing will ever be right again.

[ALARM Beeping]

No, no, no!
You'll contaminate my house.

Dad?

[Growling]

-What--
TOE & Lodge: Aah!

--are contaminators doing in my h*--?

You? You gave me this headache.

You and that rock
almost ruined last night.

Here. Wipe yourselves down right now.
Immediately. Turn around.

Give me your foot.
Oh, look at that. Filthy.

[TOE GROANS
THEN NOSEWORTHY GRUNTS]

Toby, what are you doing here?
You want me to lose my job?

Well, hello. I'm Logier.

-There's something in there.
-What is that rock doing in my house?

Nose, give me that rock now.

NOSEWORTHY: No, no, no,
out of the house. Get it out of here.

Get it out, out, out. Move it.

That's the second time
that rock's been eaten.

What is that thing?

My booger.

STACEY: You pulled that out of your nose?
NOSE: Uh....

Ew.

I've told you a million times
not to pick your nose.

See what happens?

Your invention works.
My wish came true.

It does, doesn't it?

But wait a minute.

It must've tripped the chromosomal relay
on the cell regulator, but that means...

[ALL YELP]

...it's got to keep feeding to stay intact.

NOSE:
So basically...

...all those years you told me
not to eat my boogers?

Yes, now your booger
is trying to eat you.

BOYS: Aah!
-Decontamination chamber! Run!

TOE:
Wait! We got to go back for the rock!

Lodge:
Forget it, we've lost this round.

Son, you get them out of here. I've got to
go back for the cellular devolumizer.

NOSE:
One at a time. One at a time.

Ladies first.

COMPUTER: You are now leaving the safe,
sterile environment of our home.

Well, hello, again.

You're next.

I-- I got to get the rock!

[SHUDDERS]

Nose, help him. Do something.
He's going to die. Help Toe.

Think, think, think.

Your booger's warm.

If you eat my friend...

...I'll eat yours.

[BOOGER GASPS]

Believe me, he will.

Uh-huh.

[TOE YELLS]

Come on.

Come on! What are you waiting for?

I haven't been outside in years.
I'm afraid.

Nose!

I know, I know. But I'm just not ready.

Okay, now I'm ready!

[ALL Screaming]

Dad!

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

[TOE & Lodge Screaming]

[Whimpers]

Are you okay?

-He's not breathing.
-Breathe, Nose, breathe.

If a giant booger monster couldn't k*ll you,
what's a breath of fresh air going to do?

-Breathe!
-Breathe!

[Gasping]

I can breathe! I did it!

[NOSE LAUGHS]

[STAMMERS]
It was nice seeing you, Nose.

I promise I'll call you!

Dad, can you believe it?

No, I can't.
This is going to make a great specimen.

[GROANS]

I mean us. We're outside. We're okay.

You're right. I didn't explode.

Huh. I'm going to have to rethink
my theory of instant exposure.

But what do you have to say about this?

Bad booger.

Hey.

I mean, no more picking
and from now on...

-...antiseptic wipes.
-Antiseptic wipes.

Good.

[Snarling]

TOE:
I got ahead of myself again.

But I just remembered...

...how the rock changed
my mom and dad.

Boy, did it ever.

[BOX BEEPS]

Your parents are coming to the costume
party at my dad's house tonight.

-I know.
-You coming too?

No.

-Good.
-Bye.

Helvetica [OVER PHONE]:
Wait!

-Have you told them about me?
TOE: What would I tell them?

Mom, Dad, there's a girl at my school
who stuffs me in a trash can every day.

-You know, the one who broke my arms.
-Heh, that's funny.

Don't come over
and don't say anything about me.

I won't say anything about you.

[BOX BEEPS]

Oh, you're texting me hugs and kisses.

Why don't you just kiss me?
We're in the same room together.

Why are you texting me?
What happened to two people talking?

Maybe this doesn't apply to Team B, but
Team A lives in a fast-paced, 24/7 world.

These gadgets, made by the company
we work for, are to keep us connected.

But we're disconnected. Don't you see?

It needs to work better.
Or we need to work better.

We don't even know
who our son's girlfriend is.

DAD:
So we just spy on him.

That's a new feature I'm adding:
spy on your kids. I'll have an answer.

That's not a relationship.

-You want me to put it away?
-No, I didn't say that.

I like my phone, e-mail, text messages,
movies, music, ham radio.

It's the world at my fingertips. I just--

[BOX Chimes]

It's just I've...

...got mail.

[BOX Chimes]

[BOXES Chime AND Ring]

-Don't open that.
-Don't get that.

[BOXES Chime AND Ring]

DAD: I really have to take this.
MOM: I really have to get this.

See, you proved my point.

I still think we ought to be closer.

[BOX Beeping]

Mom?

-What are you doing?
-Um....

I was just--

I was just looking for my compact.

What do you think?

Miss Communication. Get it?

It fits.

We'll be home after bedtime.
Take it easy on your sister.

You look stupid.

So do you.

What did I tell you two?
That's not how you treat people.

Courtesy, consideration, respect.

You know it. Now do it.

-Yes, Dad.
-Yes, Dad.

Stop calling me!

I never call you.

Logier?

I figured out
where your friends came from.

[OVER PHONE]
It was a rock, a rainbow-collared rock.

You make a wish
and then it comes true.

[OVER PHONE]
You must have found it. Where is it?

-Mom.
Lodge: Hello?

I'm not your mom.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But you growing is not important, okay?

I don't care how big your feet are now.

Remember our honeymoon?

I got to take this call.

If I can get this guy onboard,
I can make all our wishes come true.

-Thulium.
-Right.

We could go back there, you know.

There's no phones, no emails,
no text messaging, no Black Box.

It's just the two of us.

We did yoga together.
We did yoga together. We had bale--

Call dropped. Stupid phone feature.

Me, he'll call back.

MOM:
A little help up here, pal.

I just wish we were closer.

Right.

[DOORBELL Rings]

-Really close.
-Mm-hm.

What just happened?

[MOM GASPS]

-We can't go in there!
-Of course we can't!

How is Mr. Black going to take me seriously
wearing your dress?

Someone's coming!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Shh!

Helvetica, someone rang the doorbell
and ran off.

Are you making enemies again?

Well, you see, there's this boy--

If they come back, let me handle it.
Not you. Understood?

-Change us back.
-I didn't do this.

You said you wanted us to be closer
and then, zap, we were.

Now change us back.

I want us to be back
the way we were too.

You must have done something wrong.
Typical B-Team work.

-Somebody's trying to teach us a lesson.
-About what, anatomy?

[BOX Beeping]

-That's me. That's my guy. I can't--
-Let it go to voicemail, for crying out loud.

I've been waiting for this call all night.

[DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES]

What you looking for?

Ow!

What did you do that one for?

I warned you to stay away,
Toe Thompson!

-My name is Toby!
-Helvetica.

Why all the shouting?

Oh. Dad, this is Toe. I mean, Toby.

He was just coming by
to bring me my math homework.

Please accept my apologies, young man.

My daughter has the habit of
bringing unwanted attention upon herself.

-Dad.
-Hel.

Take him inside,
put some ice on his head.

We'll talk about this later.

Let's go, Hel.

[Helvetica PUNCHES TOE
THEN TOE GRUNTS]

Now stay still.

[TOE Grunting]

What are you doing here?

Came here to get my mom's purse.

-Thanks for the ice. Bye.
-Wait. Don't go.

Let go of the wishing rock.

[TOE GRUNTS]

-Wishing rock? How does it work?
-I said fishing rock.

[GASPS]

[Moaning]

Heh, heh. Two points.

You stupid excuse for a brother.

I wish you were
a stupid little dung beetle.

[MOM GASPS]

Did you see that?

Wow.

[GRUNTS]

-We have to go get that rock.
-And how are we going to do that?

[DOORBELL Rings]

BLACK: Mr. and Mrs. Thompson,
excellent costume.

Pity we aren't giving out prizes.
Come in.

[MOM CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

BLACK:
Wait a minute.

-Aren't you on opposing teams?
-Yes.

But I'm still his better half, so....

"Miscommunication."

Our theme for the night.

If you would please join the others,
I'll be addressing everyone shortly.

So far, so good.
Nobody's really noticed us.

Just don't trip.

[BOTH YELP]

I'm going to change you back.

Just stay here so you don't get squished
and quit your whining.

Give me my rock back.

Helvetica:
My brother's a bug.

So, what's new?

The rock's out there somewhere.

Stay here while I go get it.

Nope. We go together.
Like Siamese twins.

I'll need everyone's attention.

The fate of Version X of the Black Box
lies in the hands of two teams.

I made a promise to myself
and more importantly the world...

...that I would never release
an upgrade...

...that didn't meet
our highest standards of wow.

The winning team will be showered
with accolades...

...and the losers get a one-way ticket
to Canned City.

-I'll need the representatives...
-That's us.

...from Team A and Team B
to step up here now.

Can you stand a little further apart?

We can't very well fire just one of you
if you're standing together as one.

Keep your friends close,
but your enemies closer, eh?

Now that's the honest go-for-the-throat
spirit I'm talking about.

I wish each and every one of you
had that same go-for-the-throat spirit.

[CROWD Shouting]

What are you doing?

What's happening?

Have you all gone mad?

-Aah! My back is going out.
MOM: No, your back is not going out.

[DAD GRUNTS]

[MOM GASPS]

Thompson!
Do you know what's happening?

I believe Team A has discovered
the solution to the upgrade problem.

That's the solution
to our little problem, remember?

We've got the rock now, Dad.

We can have anything we want.

Just wish for it.

This is all your doing,
isn't it, young lady?

No, Dad, just listen.

We're here to talk about a box!
A Black Box, not a round colourful rock.

This box needs to be able
to do everything.

That's what this does.

That's the last straw. Helvetica,
go to your room, don't ever come out!

No! I wish you would
just listen to me for a change.

I wish these casts were off.

Not his, just mine.

Shh!

I wish for a rocket bike.

I know what it's like
to feel that no one's listening.

That no one's your friend.

But Helvetica...

...I'm your friend.

I don't need friends.

See you, stooges.

We're not riding that.

MOM:
See? Teamwork. Togetherness.

We're connecting.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[Yelling]

[GRUNTS]

Would you look at that?

[Moaning]

[MOM GASPS]

-Turn left.
-My left or your left?

MOM:
It's the same thing, isn't it?

[MOM Moaning]

MOM:
We are so not connected.

I wish you were all back to normal!

Well, obviously someone spiked
the Kool-Aid.

[DOORBELL Rings]

You'll remember none of this
in the morning.

Give me that rock back.

Or I'll break every other bone
in your body.

You wish.

Where is that funny little stone
of yours?

That idiot threw it...

...clear over there somewhere.

Did he?

Guess we're back
to our old separate selves.

We don't have to be.

-That rock could have gotten one of us--
-We don't need the rock.

We just have to go to Mr. Black
and tell him no competing teams.

We are not going to work
against each other anymore.

Two heads are better than one.

Strike a balance?

Connected?

Completely.

[BOXES Beeping AND Ringling]

[in Unison]
Don't get that.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[in Unison]
I won't.

TOE:
All right, you get the idea.

They learned their lesson
and decided that from now on...

...they would truly stand together.

They were going to need it
where they were headed.

We all were.

-Breathe!
-Breathe!

[Gasping]

It was nice seeing you, Nose.

I promise I'll call you!

TOE: Can't believe we got the rock.
-I know. What should we wish for first?

First I wish these casts were off.

The rock's potential is bigger than us.

We got to be careful and start by-- Aah!

Handing it over to me.

Cole. I think we're going to need
another trash can.

It must be Christmas.

-Hey, she has a rock just like ours.
-That is ours, you dummy.

-Hey, guys.
Helvetica: Look who it is.

Everybody's favourite
booger-eating germophobe.

What are you doing outside, bubble boy?

Yeah. What did you wish for, guts?

No. He came out on his own.

He didn't need the rock. Ew.

That's right, I'm not afraid
of anything anymore.

Not even you, typeface.

[Sirens Walling]

Put the rock on the ground
and step away.

Dad, what are you doing?

-Grab the rock and make a wish.
BLACK: It's all for the best, Helvetica.

Uh-uh. My wishes keep backfiring.
You do it.

Get it! Helvetica! Do whatever it takes!

-I thought you told me not to be a bully.
-It's not bullying if you win.

Oh, I hate being told what to do.

Should we follow them, sir?

I know where they're going.

NOSE:
I wish-- I wish--

I wish I could fly!

-I got it.
-Where could he be?

He'll be fine. I'm sure he's just out
playing with his new friends.

[ALL Screaming]

LASER: You'll never get it.
Lodge: It's my rock.

LASER: No, it's not.
LUG: Give it to me.

LASER:
I wish for really long arms.

I wish to disappear.

She's invisible.

TOE:
Get it. Run. Hurry up.

Reverse invisibility
and arms back to normal.

You know, I always did like you, Laser.

Really?

[LASER GRUNTS]

Liked.

[CHUCKLES]

Curb side delivery.

Uh, gather round.

You'll want to hear this.

You're all fired.

This small stone is
the ultimate Black Box...

...the only upgrade we'll ever need.

Wait. Why even bother?

I could just forget about the business
altogether...

...and simply wish
for a giant pile of money.

[BLACK Laughing]

You see, black becomes colourful...

...square becomes round
and you become obsolete!

I've got all I need right here.

But what about me, Dad?

Oh. Well, you, okay. You can come too.
And you too, Cole.

Come on, Dad. You must be joking.

My girl, I wish I were.

[Screaming]

Wish me down.
I'm rehiring you at double your salary.

I don't need your money, Mr. Black.
I've got the rock.

The adults are going to wreck this place
for sure. We got to stop them.

-Right.
-Right.

Stay back! Stay back!

I wish I were--

An Oscar Mayer wiener!

[BLACK GASPS]

You! I'll give you $10
if you help me down.

-All right.
BLACK: Gingerly.

John?

Hey. You got your wish.

I'm all grown up.

Well, hello, I'm Logier.

Also known as:

[HACKS]

Enough.

I wish that I were
the most powerful thing...

...in the entire world.

[CROWD Yelling]

We have to take turns
using the rock to stop him.

-Cole, he's our dad, so you and me first.
-What?

Helvetica: He needs our help.
He's become drunk with power.

I wish I were a giant wasp.

Male stuffing!

I wish I was a giant....

Helvetica:
Stuff, stuff, stuff.

Missed me. Missed me.
I'll teach you to listen to your Helvetica.

Dung beetle?

All right, Dad, here I come.

BLACK:
How dare you attack your father?

You blinked!

Thirty-five hours, 15 minutes
and 20 seconds...

...and you blinked!

You lose, loser.

We need backup.
I wish for my alien friends.

I wish for my crocodile army.

[CROWD Screaming]

Bill. There's a baby out there.

[Crocodiles Snarling]

BABY:
Stop.

-You've made the rock angry.
-What?

BABY: It has given life to your petty desires,
but you continue to break its laws.

Why are we listening to a baby?

[GRUNTS]

BABY: In your greedy hands,
it could mean the end of the world...

...even the end of the universe.

-What' s wrong?
BABY: The rock grows weary.

It cannot sustain this strain
on its powers.

[Helvetica GRUNTS]

[COLE GRUNTS]

[BLACK YELLS]

We have to get rid of the rock
or it will destroy us all.

-How?
-I've got it.

It's something I've been working on
for the latest upgrade...

-...to extend Black Box battery life.
-Really?

It's germs.

ALL:
Germs?

Dip your hands in.

LASER: Oh, my gosh.
WOMAN: Ugh, it's warm.

It collects and magnifies the energy from
the mitochondria in every cell in your body.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hold hands.

ALL:
Ew!

NOSEWORTHY: Our combined energy
will get rid of the rock...

...but we must stand together, as one.

BABY:
We know we have disrespected you.

Leave us now and we shall pick up
the pieces, learning from our mistakes.

[ALL Yelling]

[ALL SCREAM]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

BABY:
I need a new diaper.

Over there.

The rainbow's end.

Not the end. The beginning.

For someone else to find.

Hopefully they'll use it
wiser than we did.

Mr. Black, we just want to say both
Team A and Team B will help rebuild.

MOM:
But not as separate entities.

The power is in all of us.

And if we work together,
we can move mountains.

Or really big rocks.

Agreed.

[STACEY Giggles]

Sweet muscles.

That's not what I had in mind.

Is this your special friend?

I'm Helvetica.

Nice to meet you.

So we're friends.

Let's settle for no longer enemies.

TOE:
So that's pretty much how that week went.

I made some new friends.

Logier and his brothers got
the adventure of their young lives.

And my parents finally came together.

For the first time, really.

Or at least that's how they put it.

Nose and his dad teamed up
and continued working on experiments...

...on personal hygiene.

Which I'm indebted to you for.

TOE: My dad didn't make partner,
but he and Mr. Black became friends.

Not best friends, but good friends.

Seeing as how they might
get to be family someday.

Helvetica:
Um, I didn't agree to that.

TOE:
Oh, you will. Just wait.

The Black Box was never perfected.

In fact, Mr. Black initiated
a top-to-bottom redesign.

He thought he should do something
to change the world for the better...

...so he went green.

But it could never do
what the Rainbow Rock could do.

And even if it could,
would we really want it?

Sometimes wishing does make it so.

But be sure you're wishing for
something worth wishing for.

TOE:
I wish we were in a Hollywood movie.

Helvetica:
Yeah. Like that's going to happen.

[MOM GASPS]

I wish I had telekinesis!

BENNETT: Hey, this song that's playing
right now is something I wrote.

I got my wish.