CMXXIV (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Welcome.

I'm going to star in a TRT series.

That's the safest place.

Welcome, friends.

This performance is titled CMXXIV.

As you can see up here.

Let me explain what it means.

Since I first started this set in 2024,

we call it "CM twenty-four."

And the reason we spell it

with Roman numerals like X and stuff

is that the Illuminati demand it.

I was going to

put the "24" before the "CM,"

but that could lead

to different expectations.

Yes, ma'am, laugh it up.

One thing I keep hearing is,

"What do women see in him?"

I don't know what they see in me, but

But I can tell you,

they don't have to search for long

to find it.

My friends,

I've been a stand-up comic for so long.

It's been 30 years, give or take.

Expectations are too high,

and my morale is too low.

And my father said,

"Son, things are chaotic.

Be careful who you let in."

This is the way my dad thinks.

As if he's sending

his 12-year-old son to work.

"Be careful who you let in." Nonsense!

My fans are a cut above the rest,

but their expectations are high.

Every single time.

The word on the street

is that Cem Ylmaz lost his touch.

Has anyone not heard that?

"He lost it." "He's losing it."

"I hope he loses it today

so we can see it."

Dude, unless you see me on Survivor,

there's still hope.

If you see me

crawling on the ground for a biscuit,

that's when you should know

things aren't going great.

Since we are living through ugly times,

I'd like to give a little warning

so that people don't feel insensitive.

And these ugly times beget insensitivity.

And I've suffered for it.

In this country,

you can be accused of insensitivity

if you happen to wake up a bit late.

Let's say some fires broke out

in the Aegean region at 10:30 a.m.,

you might wake up at 11:00 a.m.

to some dude cussing at you

for not tweeting.

I was asleep! I didn't do anything.

I was f*cking asleep, that's all.

And you don't have friends or supporters

in this line of work.

I saw my big brother just now.

He and Zafer represent

the new generation of comedians.

Have you seen their show?

They perform live.

You need tickets and stuff.

They're good. Go see them. Only 50 liras!

That's the funniest part.

I told him, "I'm excited

since we're recording today."

And my brother said, "We'll hop on stage

if you struggle too much."

But I said I didn't want

to give everyone a 4,000-lira refund.

I was surprised by the sweet things

my son said to me this season.

He's 13 now. He said,

"Good luck with your new season, Daddy."

"I wish you a great European tour.

I heard you have 20 shows."

He specified the number.

And also mentioned

the America tour and everything.

I guess he and his mother have plans.

They thought about everything.

Too bad, right?

I'm not doing that toxic joke.

Because people get mad.

I made a few jokes

about child support payments.

And people went,

"How dare he joke about that!"

Dude, I'm paying it and joking about it.

So I bought the copyright to the joke.

And it was a good joke too, no doubt.

They asked if I gave her alimony,

and I replied

"Alimony? Yeah, all my money."

Get it?

I got divorced.

How long has it been? About 13 years.

I still get baffled

when I see couples in the audience.

I'm not trying to talk you out of it,

but I'm single and very happy.

You two are a couple, right?

How long has it been?

-Eleven years.

-Eleven, huh? Do you have kids?

-Two.

-God bless!

May you see them thrive in life.

Eleven years. So for the past ten years,

your toilet breaks have been extra long.

It starts in the first year.

Playing Candy Crush and stuff.

Men spend a lot of time on the toilet

after the first year.

"Darling!" "f*ck your darling."

Right?

Remember this, sister?

Do you smoke, brother?

Be careful if you smoke on the toilet.

I need to warn you.

You know how there's a little gap here?

You flick your cigarette ash

into that gap.

Be very careful when you do so.

I almost branded myself one time.

Oh, dear.

I'm baffled people are even together.

How can I not be surprised?

They resent and get mad at each other.

Women and men are hostile to each other.

They call my jokes toxic.

Even misogynistic.

"Toxic jokes

Patriarchal discourse and toxic jokes!"

What the hell is "toxic"?

They love to say it.

What the hell is it?

And they always use it on men.

"A toxic man."

You know, in Turkish,

"tok" means "well-fed,"

and "sik" means "d*ck."

So when you call a Turkish man "toxic,"

it's not possible he will feel insulted.

"Ercan, you are toxic!"

"I mean"

"Thank God."

"I've indeed been keeping it well-fed."

"It's not like

I just came back from military duty."

They call everything toxic.

If you like yourself a little,

they call you a narcissist.

I'm single. Really.

I'm comfortable at home.

When you get home,

she'll ask, "What made you laugh the most?

Did you like the show?"

When I get home,

I'll drop my pants and wander around.

I'll just watch John Wick 1,

John Wick 2, John Wick 3, John Wick 4

It's been a long time

since I spent time with a woman.

I'm not a hater,

but it's tough with women.

Do we have any new couples here?

New experiences and stuff?

Tell me, how do you

maintain your relationship?

I'm extremely curious about that.

I can't do it at my age.

You date a 38-year-old woman,

and they say you found "a young lover."

She is 38!

She's on her deathbed, for f*ck's sake!

Women don't understand questions.

You ask, "What would I do without you?"

And she finds it romantic.

No, it's an actual question.

"What kind of things could I do?"

Yeah

You ask, "What did I do to deserve you?"

and she melts!

No, it's a f*cking question.

"What the f*ck did I do to deserve you?"

I shattered all your hopes. Go me!

I'm divorced. I have a son.

I'm very happy.

My son spent a lot of time with me

this summer.

He's a teenage boy,

so he likes spending time with adults.

Learning new jargon,

doing new things, and stuff.

I got very excited and thought to myself,

"We had so much fun!"

And then something happened

that I never expected to happen to me.

I thought, "I entertained him a lot

and will do so for years to come."

"And it's expensive too."

"But will he take care of me

in the future?"

Do you get the same feeling?

"He should become a doctor

and take care of me."

I didn't use to think that way,

but it crept up on me slowly.

And I asked him,

"Look, we're having all this fun."

"So when your uncle and I get old,

will you take care of us?"

He replied, "If you are in dire need."

That little f*ck plans to wet our lips

with cotton ba*ls as we're dying.

In moments like that,

I want him to read my lips.

"Turkish Soldiers' Foundation."

"Turkish Education Association." Exactly.

I can just donate my estate to them.

He and his mother will open my will

and see a cucumber in the envelope.

I won't bat an eye.

My own flesh and blood!

You know what he did?

Have you heard of a website

called "Celebrity Net Worth"?

No? Let's get a new audience.

This Celebrity Net Worth website

contains some trivia.

They show you

how much money people have, supposedly.

"What's Michael Jordan's net worth?"

"2.5 billion dollars."

"How much does Cline Dion make?"

And it tells you.

My son came up to me and said,

"Dad, we looked you up

on Celebrity Net Worth."

Flesh and blood.

I said, "Why even?"

He and his friends looked me up.

And he says, "Dad, we looked it up.

You have 20 million dollars."

I got so demoralized.

Either the website didn't make it

past the Digital Apocalypse of '99,

or they've been

looking at another comedian.

"Are you crazy?" I said.

"I'm carrying 20 mil on me right now."

Then I realized 20 is a lot.

I asked,

"Does your mom know about the website?"

I actually asked about it.

I'm really baffled that you're together.

Because, let me be blunt here,

people despise each other nowadays.

There's animosity between men and women.

And between employees and employers.

People are really fed up with each other.

And with everything that's going on

If you take some time for yourself,

you become an insensitive person

who is oblivious to what's going on.

Because hot topics change rapidly.

So many things to talk about.

So I feel dejected.

And it bothers me

that among all of this,

irrelevant topics make the headlines.

They were saying the other day,

"Artificial intelligence will

take our jobs."

What jobs?

The unemployment rate in Trkiye

is like 30%.

AI would need a f*cking relative

in the government to get a job in Trkiye.

It'd say, "Connect me

to one of your router friends."

Who, pray tell, is at risk

of having their job replaced by AI?

I don't have that fear. Who does?

You all need a good night's sleep.

It's Tuesday.

This is how the audience members look.

"For f*ck's sake, Cem!

Tell the joke, don't make us work for it."

"Artificial intelligence will control us."

They're not afraid of intelligence

It's always been the case

that intelligent and hard-working peoples

ruled over the rest.

Either with evil intentions or otherwise.

But we are always so passive.

I'm surprised that they're surprised.

Inventing gunpowder

lets you get ahead of other people.

You invent the steam engine,

go through the Industrial Revolution

Of course, those who work on that stuff

will play us like a fiddle.

Why are you surprised?

"Artificial intelligence will control us."

So you don't care that intelligence

controls you, only that it's artificial.

I saw this woman on TV talking about AI.

She seemed to be concerned

only about the artificiality of it.

"Artificial intelligence

will take all our jobs away."

Fake lips, breast implants,

Brazilian butt lift

And she says, "AI will take over!"

Silicon Valley has taken over you already!

Why do you care?

Also, why do we have

such grandiose talking points?

"What will AI do to us?"

Dude, we still haven't figured out

how this orange lighter works.

Forget AI! Has anybody figured this out?

Tell me if you have!

This. How does this enter our homes?

Has anyone ever bought one?

How do they find their way into our homes?

I swear to God!

I have 20 Duponts, and I also have this.

It also has a blue brother.

These are people.

They leave the factory

to get some fresh air.

Even this perplexes us.

It must be some kind of listening device.

This will f*ck us over at some point.

I have a lot of compassion for people.

One wouldn't do comedy

without compassion anyway.

And our people are usually

the kind that deserve compassion.

Most of them are good people.

But that compassion stops

when you watch a street interview.

You feel disheartened.

I often get this criticism,

"He doesn't walk the streets much,

so he doesn't get to observe people."

Do you want me to get stabbed in Fikirtepe

just to make you laugh?

As if Dostoevsky owned

a tobacco shop in Esenyurt!

I haven't walked on a street

in the past 25 years!

Even as a kid, I did so rarely.

But I know my people.

Turkish people don't care about themselves

or what's actually going on.

They focus on big stuff.

"There is a big conspiracy going on

against Trkiye!"

Always with this tone.

"They didn't actually land on the Moon."

Okay, f*ck it, they didn't.

The other day, I heard someone say

A member of the Rothschild family died.

And he said, "A Rothschild has died.

May he burn in hell!"

He makes window shutters in Saryer.

What could've the Rothschilds done to you?

Did they order shutters and not pay?

What could it be?

Turkish people

always look at the big stuff.

So they have no time left for themselves.

You guys have been on social media

for a long time.

I distanced myself from it.

I quit social media.

On Instagram, people say stuff like,

"Why did you disable comments?"

I was about to lose my mind.

I always see midgets on Instagram.

I don't know if it's because of

my location or the algorithm,

but I keep seeing lots of midgets. Why?

I swear to God,

I didn't know there were that many.

When I was young, we only had seven.

Now it's married midgets,

javelin throwing midgets,

dancing m*dget family, and such.

They said I needed to break the algorithm.

So I thought about it

and started looking at Brazilian butts.

You know, to break the algorithm.

And all devices are synchronized.

You get sick of midgets on Instagram

and open Spotify.

And right away, it plays Yaln for you.

No way this joke will reach the balcony.

It falls a bit short.

I'm really fed up.

I wanted to spend some time on myself.

And you know how there's this notion

of dedicating yourself to work?

I decided to do that,

and to get healthier.

I have a bit of an edema, see?

I was so demoralized

I got a check-up

at the start of the season

to see if I had any issues.

The doctor said to me,

"Let me say this from the get-go.

Quit drinking."

I said, "I don't drink that much."

He said, "I see you on Instagram."

Everybody thinks we drink a lot.

That's weird, but whatever.

He then told me

to get more sleep and stuff.

He suggested an app.

The application

The app is not just for your phone,

but also for your watch.

You know those sleep helper applications?

f*ck me

if I ever ask you anything ever again.

Don't you know those apps?

They list all your sleep events.

"Coughing at 2:00 a.m.

Breathing difficulties at 3:00 a.m."

You don't even have those?

Does everyone here live on welfare?

"Oh, Mr. Cem, we wouldn't dream of those!"

"Stopped breathing.

Rolled onto your side. Coughed."

"Farted at 3:00 a.m."

"Should we report it to Apple?" and stuff.

That's such a private thing.

I bought it to make things easier,

but it robbed me of my privacy.

Tell me, sir.

Does this happen in a marriage?

A morning report of

who farted, who didn't fart, who burped?

You don't even share that

with your spouse.

And since all devices are synchronized

The watch beeps and gives you

a list of what happened last night.

Not everything, of course

"Last night's report."

"Farted at 3:16 a.m." Okay, fine, got it.

You move on to the tablet, and it beeps,

"Dude, the watch just told me

that you farted at 4:00 a.m."

Where does this end?

I hop on the computer to work,

and it flashes, "I heard what happened."

"Are you going to tell me that I farted?"

"No, I have certain videos"

Unbelievable!

See what I'm dealing with

just because of a little edema?

That's why I quit social media.

What does it even offer anymore?

We are all fed up with make-up tutorials,

the a*s jiggling, all that stuff.

I hope you learned

how to do your make-up by now.

I swear to God!

How complicated could it be?

"See? Like this. Do this."

As a professional male of 52 years

You agree, right?

We don't pay attention to it at all.

Why are women so into it?

"I contour like this."

All these years, never have I ever

looked at a woman and gone,

"I f*cking love the way she contoured!"

"Incredible shading!"

Why do they put so much effort into it?

You learned it, right?

You got it.

After all those tutorials,

this is the f*cking result? Jeez.

Oh, dear

I'm telling you,

they turn people against each other.

"You are the average

of the five people you see the most."

What the hell is this?

It's already hard sifting through people

to spend some time with them.

And now they came up with this bullshit.

"Average of the five"

Now people look at others

to see who weighs down the average.

"Don't invite Nevzat next time!"

I spend time with almost no one.

Honestly, I barely see anyone.

And yes,

I don't usually walk the streets either.

Like I said, I have a private life.

I do see people on the street

in my neighborhood

I live nearby, in Levent.

I'm talking about the 1st Levent.

The real one.

Someone shouted the other day,

"I live in Levent too!"

"Which Levent?"

"The sixth one!"

The part of Levent

that's all in your head.

What kind of bullshit are you spewing?

That's Eyp, not 6th Levent.

That's like calling Esenler

the central Etiler.

I do take strolls around my neighborhood.

I do step outside.

I do see people.

When the political climate gets heated,

we tend to get stigmatized,

they try to put us in a box.

I want to make some political jokes,

but I don't want my classic Mercedeses

to be turned into police cars.

Thanks! I'm going to be on TRT next week.

I took a cab the other day.

I know enough Arabic for it.

The taxi driver said

Yeah, if you are new to Istanbul,

you should download the app at MyArab.com.

It's like Uber,

but it shows you the nearest Arab.

If an Arab is closer to you

than a taxi stand, you stand by the Arab.

The taxi comes and picks you up.

The taxi driver said to me,

"Why don't they put you on TV series?"

It really got to me.

I asked him,

"What series would they put me in?"

Imagine me going

I can't even give a poster-worthy pose,

for f*ck's sake.

They wouldn't give me a good role, right?

At least not a great sultan.

No Bayezid or Murad for me,

that's for sure.

Maybe, just maybe,

I can get Cem Sultan's role.

He fled to Rhodes

and sought refuge with the Pope.

Some assholery is going on there,

so I might be a good fit.

I've been in the same neighborhood,

voting in the same place for years.

An elementary school in Levent.

They take our photos sometimes

Not sometimes, almost always!

They caption it,

"He cracks everyone up at the ballot box."

What did I do to crack everyone up?

Maybe they found it funny

that I cast my last vote for Kldarolu.

I mean

How much power do I even have?

As much as you.

It only makes a difference

if we come together.

Even at the ballot box,

they make light of it.

"He made people laugh!"

I didn't do anything.

I just put my ballot in.

What do we do when casting our votes?

We put our ballots in.

And we say, since we're reasonable people,

"Whoever wins,

I hope it works out for our country."

That's the end of it, right? Wrong!

A random auntie on the street

sees you and says,

"You called us sheep,

and we shipped you away!"

Auntie

Why take it out on me?

I'm one of the softest people

you can find. Why get mad at me?

I admit that I think differently than you,

but I'm such an easy-going guy.

"Call us sheep, get shipped!"

Would I ever call you sheep?

Does that sound like me at all?

And she walks so slow

that she stays in my face forever.

Back when I was younger,

zombies in movies walked just as slow.

And if she gets offended

by being called a zombie Good.

In zombie movies,

zombies walk toward you slowly.

What the hell is that?

Is that even a threat?

I thought about it as a kid all the time.

A dead person is walking toward you.

So f*cking what? "Graah!"

"'Grah' what, m*therf*cker? Go away."

I'm alive and agile. Why should I care?

Why are zombies a threat?

Because there's a swarm of them!

And there are more aunties like her.

And there's a dilemma in zombie movies.

You can't sh**t the person you love.

You know?

Your loved one turns into a zombie.

You go, "Jennifer, no!"

She goes, "Grahh!"

"sh**t her, Mike!"

"That's Jennifer!"

Is she even Jennifer anymore?

She's all f*cked up.

"I can't sh**t Jennifer!"

In the same vein,

how can I sh**t the auntie?

I lack the harshness some have.

I choose to be a reasonable person.

Let me tell you about harshness.

If there's a zombie outbreak in Trkiye

People are already

at each other's throats.

They would f*cking crush the dead.

You'd go out of your way

to bash their skulls in.

"Is that Burhan? m*therf*cker!"

You'd see it as an opportunity

that he's turned into a zombie.

There's too much fighting.

We're in the year 2025!

And we still haven't stopped arguing

about animals, let alone people.

How is there still debate in the year 2025

about whether

we should love cats and dogs?

Is that even a question?

"Should we kick street cats?"

"Should we do it?" What the f*ck is this?

That's what they're debating!

Remember how everyone tried

to prove their love for animals?

Istanbul is a city of cats and dogs.

But some people end up

having to bear the brunt of it.

But the debates

are always between psychopaths.

At one extreme, an animal hater

who thinks, "Since I'm already walking,

I should kick that."

That kind of maniac.

And at the other extreme,

those who despise human beings.

So we're stuck

between a rock and a hard place.

Have you seen that video

of a woman with her pit bull?

Her pit bull is

literally eating a street cat.

When people alert her, she goes,

"These poor animals

are God's voiceless creatures."

The pit bull is f*cking sh*t up.

And she is romanticizing it

by calling them "voiceless creatures"

or "our four-legged friends."

Everything can sound innocent.

"This GL*CK is

God's barreled iron friend."

The f*ck is this?

Can you believe it?

You can't even love animals in peace.

I'm telling you. On every issue,

it's the psychopaths who debate.

Always two extremes.

And reasonable people watch

from the sidelines like it's Wimbledon.

That sucks, right?

I have two Kangal dogs.

Let me tell you the story

of how we almost got beaten up in Germany.

I have two Kangals. The male is 90 kilos,

and the female is about 65.

And a neighbor had two small dogs,

Cookie and Lucky.

They wore vests and bow ties.

And my Kangals looked like

they just arrived from Sivas.

Kangal owners would know,

they give you this look when chained.

"A metal chain, right?

Dude, you are so naive."

"Please, go ahead and chain me.

I don't mind."

Around 3:00 a.m., Cookie and Lucky

hopped the fence

and our Kangals were amazed

to see dogs with bow ties.

"Why the hell are they wearing bow ties?"

And these little ones

were barking at 3:00 a.m.

But the Kangals were busy figuring out

how to make a living in Istanbul.

"Should we become airport taxi drivers?"

When they kept barking like this.

At some point, our boy had enough

and said, "Dude, just go away."

But they kept barking,

so he said f*ck it and

I felt like a m*rder*r.

I ran there as fast I could.

It's my responsibility after all.

You know how people ask,

"Does the dog bite?"

"No, he sits down to debate you!"

Of course it bites!

Dogs communicate with their mouths.

So yeah, of course they bite!

You know how it is.

You're walking the dog.

"Does he bite?"

Ask the dog!

Do you ask the dog about me?

"Does he give you hope

and then leave you?"

Does that ever happen? No.

Now

These little dogs

got themselves in trouble.

Barking like this.

I felt like a m*rder*r.

I was told it was a gnarly scene,

"Your dogs roughed up the neighbor's."

I felt like a m*rder*r.

And that's the normal reaction.

I apologized profusely

and asked what I should've done better.

And the guy was really nice.

He said, "It's our fault, Mr. Cem."

"Our fence is apparently too low.

It is our dogs who broke free."

"They hopped the fence

into almost certain death."

I asked to see Cookie.

He said, "He won't sh*t today,

maybe tomorrow."

I asked about Lucky.

He said, "Lucky is fine."

"We just changed his name to Unlucky."

Nothing too bad.

People don't get it.

I told this story in Germany

and got heckled by an auntie,

"God damn you! Whose side are you on?"

"Kangals don't do that!"

"They are God's friends from Sivas."

She said, "I'm from Kangal too."

How is that an argument? I said,

"Well, since you're a different species"

They are dogs.

"I'm from Kangal.

Kangal dogs don't do that," she said.

It's a fight between pro-animal extremists

and pro-human extremists.

It's a tough situation.

We almost got beaten up.

And everybody is required

to prove their love for animals.

I mean People should be held accountable.

Any dog owners here?

I'm not gonna ask again.

In the 90s, I asked people

why they kept dogs.

Nowadays, while there are still people

who do it out of love,

buying a vest and a bow tie

doesn't make you an animal lover.

In many resort towns,

they buy Cookies, Luckys, Cinnamons

for their kids

and put bow ties on them

only to leave the poor dogs behind

when the season is over.

Abandoned.

"Why did they put a bow tie on me?

All I needed was some f*cking love."

You know it's true.

Do you have a dog?

No? Zero dogs?

Anyone here with a dog?

-What kind is it, brother?

-Golden.

Golden retriever.

The apple of the family's eye.

-Why are you keeping a dog?

-It's just a useless dog.

A useless dog?

Do you expect him to f*cking rob a bank?

This isn't a movie, you know?

"Don't worry, bro.

It'll be a clean robbery."

I once asked a woman

what kind of dog she had.

She said German shepherd.

"Why are you keeping one?" I asked.

She said, "Protection."

Not security, protection.

There must not be any pharmacies around.

They put the dog by the bedroom door.

He growls at the husband

if he comes nearby.

Protected for that month.

That's gotta be it.

I've had a dog for a long time.

Cats are a whole other world.

I don't understand it.

Any cat owners here?

They'll give you attitude tonight.

"Where have you been all night?

God damn you!"

Cats are so weird!

They act like we are their guests.

Poor dogs,

they at least try to entertain you.

Give them treats and they ask,

"Should I do tricks?"

"Should I jump, sir?"

Cats don't give a f*ck.

"Food?" "Yes. Food. Whatever."

"Shitface."

My girlfriends usually have cats.

I mean in the past.

I don't have girlfriends anymore.

There are no women my age.

No woman is 52 years old.

Cats are so weird.

It's doubly weird

if you're newly dating and she has a cat.

You go to her place for the first time.

Her cat rubs on you, and she says,

"Wow! Smoke loves you!"

Thank God!

That's the first step.

And you get hyped up if she says,

"She usually doesn't approach people."

"f*ck yeah!

I'm gonna f*ck her tonight for sure!"

"She doesn't approach people."

She offers you some snacks,

opens a wine bottle.

A bit of cheese, some dried meat.

You wouldn't know about those either.

God damn you all!

Our country is in such bad shape!

I should rewrite some jokes.

"A quarter of a loaf of bread and"

"You go to her place,

and she offers you bread

with a bit of cheese and olives inside."

She offers you snacks. Smoke rubs on you.

She asks, "You don't mind, right?"

Your pants are covered in fur, but

"Smoke! You cute little piece of sh*t."

When she goes to the bathroom

or to the kitchen to get more wine,

you go, "Get the f*ck away from me."

And then it's time for some foreplay,

some kissing and stuff.

I hate pets

that don't leave the room during it.

You are kissing,

and the cat just stares at you.

It happened to me a few times.

Pets that don't leave the room

while you make love.

I remember one English bulldog

who kept staring like this.

Why the f*ck are you so surprised?

You lift your legs up

to lick your own ba*ls.

And this is what puzzles you?

I swear to God!

There is this famous saying.

I think it goes,

"My love for animals grows more

as I get to know people."

So disingenuous.

"How many people do you know?"

"Two."

"How many cats do you have?"

"47." I mean

Some people have no sense of balance.

I'm being sincere when I say

that I get there is no hierarchy in love,

but you should test people who are hurt.

For example, some guy is saying

that he lost his father,

and you're saying,

"And we just buried Cinnamon."

He just said his father died!

"Cinnamon was so precious to us!"

That's my father!

How old was Cinnamon? 14.

Well, it was about f*cking time he died.

Cinnamon never promised you 64 years.

"We buried Cinnamon."

I'm talking about my father.

Don't you get it?

Just because my dad doesn't bring back

the stick you throw

doesn't mean

he is any less precious than Cinnamon.

Some people can't weigh things correctly.

And we should distinguish

real love for animals from fake.

I'm not a hater,

but I witnessed it firsthand.

Two years ago in Gmlk,

I saw some girls from Istanbul, Kadky

wearing baggy batik pants.

Their dogs are wandering around.

And people were very welcoming of animals.

It was a very pet-friendly space.

Cinnamons, Cookies, and Daisies

were all so happy. Nice atmosphere.

Girls talk to their Daisies

Everyone is happy.

The dogs even had swimsuits.

They were so happy.

I saw a tattoo on her that read,

"Life is a journey" in English.

I was like, "Wow!"

She got it all figured out!

Translated, it would be

You don't even speak English?

Weren't you all saying,

"Cem Ylmaz lost his touch"?

Maybe the audience is to blame!

"Life is a journey."

I was like, "Wow, this is so

easy to remember.

Why did you get it tattooed on your arm?"

Imagine going, "Life What was it?"

"It's a journey, right?"

"Let me get it tattooed

so I don't forget."

"And I'll get the grocery list

tattooed here."

Daisies and Cookies were so happy.

And then, one poor dog arrived.

A real dog.

The butcher's dog Cotton came.

It saw other dogs getting love,

so it wanted some too.

It was a bigger dog,

the alpha of the group.

He growled a bit.

They almost lynched poor Cotton!

"How f*cking dare you bully

a small dog like Lucky?"

I witnessed all of that firsthand.

"I know animals."

"I know people too. Animals are better."

Which animal do you know?

What animal do you know

besides your own pet?

We have this image of animals

ingrained in our minds by fables.

"Foxes are sly." "Crows are blah blah."

"We need to save the whales."

Where do we get these from?

Why would you throw soup

at a Rembrandt to save the whales?

I saw that protest. They threw soup

at a centuries-old Rembrandt painting.

The whale would be mortified if he knew.

It'd say, "This is a disgrace!

I'm going to be dead next week anyway."

"At least leave the painting alone."

My God!

We just remember fables.

"Foxes are sly." What did they achieve?

As if foxes built a hotel

on a virgin cove!

What did they do?

They just steal some chickens

if you leave the hen house open.

I don't think we know animals well.

Foxes are sly, lions are kings,

rabbits are blah blah

Who are they?

Which animals do you actually know?

Do you know

what a seahorse does for a living?

Does anyone know?

Balcony peasants

don't even get the question.

They're shocked.

"There are horses in the sea?"

"I wouldn't know. We don't own a TV."

Seahorses are really weird creatures,

you know?

Males give birth!

Exactly, brother.

You sound so hyped up about it.

More accurately, they are genderless.

They can switch genders at will

and impregnate themselves.

I'd like to have that technology.

Wouldn't it be amazing

to pay child support to yourself?

I shouldn't joke about genders

since this will air on Netflix.

You like those jokes

only when foreign comedians make them.

None of my business

Any transgender person here?

No answer, of course.

You wouldn't even tell me the time.

"Is there any transgender person here?"

"Yes, there is. But forget about it."

I'm not against gender-affirming surgery,

but I find their interviews absurd.

I saw that one of them said,

"Are there even any men left?"

Well, you took one away, you lunatic.

I'm fine with them

transitioning into women.

That's a win for us.

It just bothers me

when a woman transitions into a man.

I mean, we

I respect them, of course.

How could I not?

It's such a big decision.

Could you get yours cut?

And some people get a new one!

My point is, it's a tough situation.

It's hard to prepare for it

physically and mentally.

I just have a beef

with the man that she transitioned into.

You put so much effort in becoming a man.

You feel comfortable in that body, right?

You should've also prepared mentally

to be an ideal man.

First week after their surgery,

they give an interview.

"How is it going?"

"I'm a jealous dude."

They haven't even removed

the stitches yet!

"I won't let my girlfriend

wear a miniskirt."

Dude, your wardrobe is still full of them!

So I really don't like

that part of their transition.

Seahorses are weird animals.

There are so many weird animals

we don't know.

Everyone has a favorite animal.

My older brother and I

went to the Berlin Zoo once.

That was probably 20 years ago.

We arrived too early, around 7:30 a.m.

Even the animals weren't there yet.

I swear to God!

And the woman at the booth

sold us tickets.

We entered. No animals!

She must've thought

we were there to surrender.

Like, "Go ahead. Find yourself a cage."

We entered the zoo, and nobody was around.

After like half an hour,

they brought in the animals.

Rhinos, monkeys, giraffes

The animals looked surprised.

They were like,

"Oi! Do you see the f*cking time, mate?"

They were caught off guard.

My chimp impression is good, no?

Right? Admit it, it's a good impression.

No, don't

It's no wonder I can pull it off.

I have all the material at hand.

I wouldn't be able to pull off a swan.

The apes came in.

My God!

That silverback was a sight to behold!

The gorillas caught my attention.

They were behind a glass pane.

I approached their enclosure.

Have you ever looked a gorilla in the eye?

We can't even talk about cats,

let alone silverbacks.

"You are so adventurous, Mr. Cem!"

I was so captivated

by the way the gorilla looked at me

through the glass.

My brother said,

"It's been half an hour."

"Let's go see the rhinos

and camels and stuff."

I said, "I'm busy with the gorilla."

He kept looking at me like this.

You had to be there.

It was as if

the gorilla was trying to say,

"God put me here

and you there."

"This is how it is this time."

He looked so sorrowful.

And you could tell that the f*ck

had seen Planet of the Apes.

Looked like he was trying to say,

"We will f*ck you all up."

I couldn't take my eyes off him

for half an hour.

And then the gorilla said,

"My mother birthed me on a rainy day."

"The heavens were crying at my arrival."

"Could a newborn babe be a sinner?"

"Then why has my life been damned?"

Turns out I dozed off and it was a dream.

I dreamed it all.

In reality, he just did this.

And flung his sh*t at me. That's all.

But they look incredibly sorrowful.

Remember them?

I see them in documentaries.

Documentaries were so straightforward

when I was little.

Now they're sophisticated.

It used to be, "Monkeys do this."

"Pandas eat eucalyptus leaves

and bamboo sticks like this."

"Zebras are crossing the river."

Now Netflix documentaries

are so sophisticated.

Where are those Netflix representatives

that I talked to earlier?

Was that also not real?

I remember some people boycotting Netflix.

Any boycotters here?

They are saying,

"Don't watch Netflix.

They're trying to make all of us g*y."

It's true, you know.

I'm telling the truth.

I would know, I work with Netflix.

They did so many home visits.

One day the doorbell rang.

I looked through the peephole

and saw three naked men.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

He said, "Tu-dum!" Well

Fill in the rest.

I remember the boycott.

"Netflix is trying to make us g*y!"

"Netflix is gonna turn us into f*ggots!"

It's all true.

You guys don't read the user agreement.

You know that agreement?

The terms and conditions.

It's all there

at the bottom of the document.

It reads, "I'll turn you all into f*ggots"

in fine print.

And in parentheses, it reads,

"If you have it in you."

If you don't, they'll move on.

You should watch

Netflix's sophisticated documentaries.

But they're too sophisticated.

They place an 8K camera

on a honeybee's a*s.

You feel like you are making the honey.

It's too much.

It used to be straightforward,

not sophisticated.

And there's this British dude

who narrates it all. Who was it?

Oh God!

I f*cking swear

I'll do my set in Konya.

They get me there.

He must be in his 90s.

I think he's 89, actually.

I can't watch it

because of all the saliva.

He keeps on narrating.

But it's all too complicated.

You migrate alongside an albatross.

You live among the ants in their colony.

It's that close-up!

It's too much.

I watched a documentary

about the life

of a troop of silverback gorillas.

But they make it too soap opera-like.

They dramatize the events

to help us understand.

"Little Mario is confused."

"Let's see what Jesse does."

Who the f*ck are they?

"Mario is confused," they say.

And you see Mario

trying to find a spot to sh*t in peace

after devouring a tree whole.

How much does a silverback gorilla weigh?

Must be around 300 kilos.

He has four females

that he needs to mate with.

He needs to guard the elderly.

And defend his crown against the young.

So many things going on!

And they put eight cameras there.

We always see Mario going,

"Go away, brother."

"We got work to do. Chop chop!"

But the cameras continue recording.

"Who the f*ck is that?"

"Are you Jesse?"

"They've been calling me Jesse

for two seasons now."

"I'm going to mate.

That's why I keep beating my chest."

"Tell this old dude to get

all the f*cking cameras out of here."

"Who are these guys?

Are they from National Geographic?"

"Netflix, boss."

"And Netflix doesn't leave

until they get the material."

Oh God!

"f*ck off! Go on, git!"

"Netflix, huh? Jesse, come here."

"Bend over."

"Boss?"

"Stop f*cking calling me boss."

"Bend over. I'll just graze lightly."

"For the season finale."

"Boss, please!"

"Shut it. Let them record it and go away."

"Get this."

And as you watch it,

David Attenborough says,

"This species usually does not mate

with members the same sex. But"

Well, they've f*cking had it up to here.

Can you blame Mario?

Mario

Mario is trying

to compete with Squid Game after all.

He needs to do something interesting.

God!

I had my own adventure with a chimp

on my movie A.R.O.G.

That's where I learned these moves.

They said,

"He's too intimate with the chimp!"

Dude, inside that chimp

was an acrobat girl from Argentina.

And I only care about inner beauty.

The reason I do a good imitation

might be due to my family roots.

Remember when they allowed us

to check our family tree

on the government website?

It was all the rage

when it first got released.

Everyone checked their roots.

I don't know if you have.

But I certainly did.

Turns out, my family tree has no branches.

Some people know their roots.

"I can track my roots

back to the 14th century."

"My maternal ancestors were from"

But mine are all normal dudes.

Regular folks.

My father is from the village of Eskihamal

in Grn, Sivas.

And I only saw my paternal roots

going back to the 1840s.

They never moved away from their village.

This is the extent of their movement.

Rather than a Migration Period,

they did a Migration Circle.

And my mom's family

came from Thessaloniki.

I tracked them back to the 1790s.

There were no warriors,

no distinct characters.

No commanders or members of the cavalry.

Zero heroes of any kind.

And, you know

I was just holding a sword,

and it didn't even suit me.

Some people are glued to the TV like this.

"We are the seeds of the Ottomans!"

Resurrection: Erturul and stuff.

I have nobody in my family tree

who could be considered a hero.

I'm baffled

that they even managed to survive.

And I'm talking about

both my maternal and my paternal sides.

They aren't the fighter-type at all.

And the sword really doesn't suit me.

I've held swords for movies.

Remember Dry Murad?

I rode horses and stuff.

But I find it too harsh.

When did we Turks conquer Anatolia?

In 1071, right?

I would've liked to have an ancestor

who fought in that battle.

But this is too much.

Wouldn't it cause a lot of pain?

How could you strike someone with it?

If I were in that battle,

I would've suggested talking first.

"Should we take the fortress?"

"We can do without it."

I would've fled at the first opportunity.

I find this too hard.

It's not sharp, but Here, feel it.

Isn't it weird?

Maybe there's a professional m*rder*r

in the audience.

But to me,

it feels so odd to stick this in someone.

We have that cinematic image in our heads.

You strike and heads fly through the air.

You stick it, take it out.

How is that okay?

In that Dry Murad episode,

alar's character said,

"You could die of stress

in the Middle Ages!"

Heads being hurled into the air. So rough!

Nowadays, you cry "Mobbing!"

when someone at the office

gives you the side eye.

Now imagine actual battles.

Everyone is stabbing everyone.

You chop some heads off.

And just like his wife,

your old lady goes, "Why the long face?"

"I'm covered in blood, woman!"

I couldn't live like that.

And I'm not ashamed to say it.

People in this day and age

still k*ll each other.

So, anyway, I'm really surprised

that my bloodline survived.

My family.

How have we not died off

when I can't even imagine

engaging in such brutal acts?

"Take that, f*ck!"

I can't do that. It would hurt them!

And it's not enough to ride a horse.

Have you ridden one?

You have to hold and swing a sword

all the while riding the horse.

Forget about chopping off heads

in a cinematic way,

even a grazing sword would hurt.

The battle is over for you.

There is no Batticon or anything.

The wound will fester.

So horrible!

I watched a movie the other day.

What was it called? Bonaparte?

No, Napoleon by Ridley Scott.

You know how in battles

5,000 people on each side

charge at each other?

It's so scary. Imagine being at the front.

Yelling, "Libert!"

You are at the front.

You'll turn to mush soon.

What "libert"?

"For France, m*therf*ckers!"

We have something nobler.

It's really good.

They yell, "Allah! Allah!"

But you can sense a bit of doubt there.

"Allah! Allah?" I mean

"Allah will guide us, right? Right?"

I can't imagine myself in that situation.

Can you?

All that heroic talk is fun and games

unless you're at the front.

"We will conquer Vienna!"

"Here, you first."

I'll take the third rank, deal?

Let me get back to the fourth rank.

All those epic battles

I can't imagine myself there.

Remember in Troy

when 50,000 archers lined up?

"Archers!"

"Archers!"

"Did he say loose?"

"Loose!"

"What is loose?"

All the movies in the past 20 years

use pretty much the same shot.

A cloud of arrows darkening the sky.

It's almost as if

they have a plug-in for it.

"Archers!"

Like in Troy.

I just wouldn't sh**t.

f*ck it, let God decide their fates.

Twenty thousand arrows.

It's not like they count them all.

Right?

I can just imitate the sound.

And I wouldn't even move

if the enemy shot first.

I think everyone deserves to live.

And I couldn't flee either.

I wouldn't be able to live myself.

Why the f*ck would I try to run?

An arrow will either hit me directly

or bounce and lodge itself in my a*s.

I'm sure of it.

It's so weird.

w*r is tough.

It's so tough.

I'm glad I didn't live back then.

The government asked me

to tell you about those times.

So that you'll be more grateful.

It's true.

And

How can anyone pour

boiling oil on someone?

It sucked from the Stone Age

all the way through medieval times.

Pouring boiling oil onto a person!

How consumed are you with anger?

"Don't let them take the fortress!"

Just f*cking let them.

If all those armed men are marching here,

just let them take it.

Boiling oil!

Imagine being there to conquer Istanbul.

You climb up the Silivri Gate.

Your troops have already taken

the land where Topkap Palace now stands.

The emperor is dead. But the news

hasn't reached the Silivri Gate.

And you are at the top of the ladder.

And Christos stares at you.

"Hey, vre, what are you doing, vre?

"Don't f*cking pour it!"

"We conquered Istanbul already! Aargh!"

I can't carry Bepanthen on my a*s

during the whole conquest.

Think about the pain!

It's important to have compassion.

But nobody has it anymore.

How can people be k*lling each other?

I can't wrap my mind around it.

Maybe it's my own flaw.

It's my 30th year in this industry.

And there's one thing that bothers me.

Society became ruder over time.

When I was younger,

I was kind of a delinquent.

We were troublemakers.

Now the bar has sunk so low

that we are the elite ones.

What does elite mean in Trkiye nowadays?

You are now elite

if you can wash your a*s,

stop at red lights, go at green,

reciprocate when someone says

hello or good morning.

I'm called an elite!

My father is Arif from Tophane.

I'm far from being elite!

But the bar has sunk.

Everyone is so rude.

And what's the cause of all this rudeness?

Movies and series that we produce!

It's so easy to blame all the evil on us!

Femicide?

"People see that on TV series!"

"They just copy what they see."

People acting like the mafia?

All because of TV!

All that weirdness? TV to blame!

Violence? It's TV, of course!

They seize eight tons of cocaine

at the Port of Mersin.

"It's all because of TV!"

How powerful are these series?

And they say

that in my movies and stand-ups,

I teach people to curse. Really?

As if nobody curses in the streets!

They all learn it from me!

I resent that so much.

I've been trying to explain it for years,

but to no avail.

They also put you in such a tough spot.

Like you all gather here to hear me swear,

then go laugh about it at home.

"That was a f*cking blast!"

This is just the way I talk.

Like I'm talking to a friend.

I may use some bad words, but who cares?

"But is this a work of art?"

How would I know?

Is Michelangelo's sculpture of David

a work of art?

It stands 5.5 meters tall in Florence

and looks like it's made of velvet.

My David impression isn't quite as good.

My body looks more like a Mahmud.

It's 5.5 meters tall!

And with the pedestal,

it must be around 13-14 meters tall.

It towers over you.

Such a marvel of design!

But if you look at it from the ground,

you see nine kilos of ba*ls.

Right?

"Did you like David?"

"His ba*ls were all out!"

If you look from below, you see ba*ls.

From eye level, you see David.

This is the way things are.

The streets are in turmoil.

Everyone is so rude.

In the last five to ten years,

violence against doctors has peaked.

Can you believe it?

Violence against doctors is now common.

I'll tell you why that is.

In Trkiye, there has been

a figurative w*r in the last ten years.

A w*r against knowledge

and those who wield it.

I used to tell a joke

about Faruk Pharmacy 15 years ago.

Does anyone remember it?

Does anyone not remember it?

What was the punchline there?

Our parents' generation

grew up with this saying,

"There is no shame in not knowing,

only in not learning."

In our times, it was,

"We don't know, but we'll pretend we do."

We laughed at that 15 years ago.

Just say you don't know.

Why would you pretend?

Nowadays, it is,

"So f*cking what if you know stuff?"

That's the tone right now.

Like, a doctor knows stuff, right?

Then comes this ignorant guy who says,

"You did the bypass all wrong,

you m*therf*cker!"

"Why did my grandma die?"

He knows how a bypass is done,

how a tumor is removed.

He knows it!

And the doctor cannot convince him

with his knowledge.

He's on a different frequency.

He thinks he's the alpha

and the doctor is a beta.

So he likes challenging the doctor.

He can't do the same thing

to someone from his own social class.

They can't lecture plumbers

like they lecture doctors.

So weird, right?

Even though the plumber is vulnerable,

with his a*s crack out in the open.

But if you say,

"You placed the pipe all wrong,"

the plumber will place

the pipe up your a*s.

So their frequencies match.

This is all scientific.

And I might have a bit of a foul mouth.

But they try to blame everything

on our swearing.

We aren't even swearing.

We just use

the appropriate adjectives and phrases.

My father is 80 years old.

And he is such a mischievous and witty guy

who uses lots of swear words

in his anecdotes.

But I've never seen him

actually insult someone.

I'm the same way.

But people are so rude!

Children swear,

women swear,

fans in stadiums swear en masse.

But I'm being ostracized

for having used a bad word

when telling a joke.

Like, come on. Stop being mean to me.

Think about the stadiums Bro, I never

You know which team I support.

Let's not get into that.

I can't even support my team

without being scolded for it.

My son doesn't really care about football.

One day, my son and I were

playing on the PlayStation.

We were alone in the house.

It's a true story.

Well, we weren't alone,

we also had a robot vacuum with us.

Remember how popular they became

a few years back?

I think it was

about three to five years ago.

We all bought one. Myself included.

It scans the house first

and then starts cleaning.

I let it loose years ago.

It still hasn't returned.

It's still scanning.

I'm alone with my son.

He's playing SpongeBob.

There's a SpongeBob game on PlayStation.

And I was in the room

while he was playing.

And at some point,

he couldn't beat a level or something

and got furious.

He asked, "Daddy, may I swear?"

We were alone. A dad and his son.

Please be understanding.

Since there were no women in the house

None. Zero women.

I checked every single room.

No women at all.

Not even a residue from old days.

I said, "Since we're both men here,

go ahead and swear. I'm curious."

Man

The things he said

about SpongeBob's mother and sister

He made SpongeBob spin in the air twice.

You know those pores on SpongeBob?

A few of them is my son's doing.

I said, "Press Options right now

and go to the menu."

"This is way too much.

Where did you learn all this?"

"It's too naughty."

"All those words aren't okay at your age."

"Those are swear words, yes."

"You can learn their meaning,

but shouldn't say them."

"That was way too much.

Don't do it again."

He said, "You say that, Dad,

but kids at school say much worse!"

And I got curious.

"What do they say?" I asked.

He said, "Kids at school

even say stuff like 'stupid.'"

You learned all of that,

at least learn their hierarchy as well.

Imagine equating saying "stupid"

to detailing what you'd do to their mom!

He didn't learn it. Like his mom.

I hate all the yelling and shouting

in stadiums.

There's a sports event going on there.

And those people are very talented.

They aren't like us.

And people shout,

"f*cking run, you f*ck! Kick it!

f*ck your mother's c**t!"

What the hell?

And this is something

that's really hard to change.

Because you've all done it at least once.

But I can't do it.

I have heterosexual dyslexia.

Do you know

what heterosexual dyslexia means?

When I'm with my same-sex friends,

participating

in a group ritual or activity,

I can't really adapt.

I can't learn and practice

that ritual properly.

Cursing together, for example

"f*ck your mother's c**t!"

I can't do it.

That's why I never go to games.

I have such a hard time.

I took my son to the Olympics in Paris.

Oh, poor you.

In the Olympics, we saw someone famous

from the football scene.

I don't know him well.

And my son was only ten at the time.

He patted my son's head

and, as adults do, asked,

"Which team do you support, little guy?"

My son replied,

"I don't watch Turkish football."

"Ball-in-play times are abysmally low."

The guy was like, "Holy f*cking sh*t!"

He thought my son was radioactive.

Like I was saying, you go to a game,

you see a perfect gentleman or a lady

curse their head off.

I just can't do it. It's true.

I first noticed

I had heterosexual dyslexia

in 1989, when I was 19

No, not 19. I was 16.

I went to a Beikta game with my friends.

You know how people

hold each other and chant together?

We were behind the goal.

A bunch of high schoolers.

That's when I first understood

that I wasn't cut out for it.

They started a chant going,

"I can do without a million dollars

to my name"

I said, "Go f*ck yourselves."

What kind of a dream is that?

Why would you manifest that?

God will hear us!

Shout "I can do

without a million dollars,"

and God will make sure

to never give it to you.

Why would the 16-year-old me shout

"I don't want a million dollars,"

alongside 50,000 strangers?

We have different dreams.

I mean, Ali Ko is also shouting,

"I don't want to have a million dollars."

Because he already has billions.

He doesn't want to go down to millions.

But standing there with cheap snacks

and not wanting dollars is odd.

You don't have money anyway.

I just said "dollars," right?

Not "millions." That's how dire it is.

People swear a lot during games.

And since I'm a "celebrity,"

wherever I go

Rather, wherever I went,

since I don't anymore.

When I used to drink some raki

in Develi before the games

People loved seeing me.

"You are our big brother Cem!"

"Let's lift him!"

"Big brother Cem!"

"Oh, kiddos"

"You are our beloved big brother Cem!"

Like they lifted me up

to change my f*cking oil.

"Big brother Cem!"

"Oh, kiddos!"

I'm 52 years old, man.

If I'm going to be felt up like that,

I wanna choose who gets to do it.

And I couldn't go back the next week,

lest they say,

"That f*gg*t really likes this."

"This is why he's here," they'd say.

And I hate one more thing.

Let's say we lose As always.

After the loss, as I'm walking to my car,

someone says,

"3-0! Thanks for bringing bad luck!"

Am I the f*cking center forward

of Fenerbahe?

I'm just a poor spectator like you.

"Big brother Cem!"

It's so bad.

But they really are a resilient group.

Don't think that my innocent commentary

can ever stop people

from using swear words in games.

That kind of thinking

reminds me of an old joke of mine.

A Saint-Joseph alumnus

in the military canteen going,

"Don't swear, you dicks!"

This is very similar.

I can't fully explain myself.

And nobody actually believes

that I feel this way

because I do use swear words.

But swear words must have a purpose.

They can be used for comedic effect

when talking about someone.

But don't yell at a football player,

"Go wider, you m*therf*cker!"

"We'll f*ck you guys up!"

Is this a rule of football?

Isn't it enough to score goals

to win the game?

"We'll f*ck you guys up!"

Is there a separate tally for that?

"We won 4-0, but we failed to f*ck them."

Is that a thing?

Then why must they swear?

This is all true.

I'm really sorry, sister.

You seem uncomfortable with this topic.

You are hearing stuff

you've never heard of before.

Wait, no. That sounded like an insult.

-Have you ever been to a game?

-Me?

No, kiddo.

I'm talking to the women behind you.

There are people other than you, kid.

Why did you marry this selfish person?

"Me? There are other people? Where?"

-Have you been to a game?

-No.

Believe me,

you would have a really hard time there.

It's ugly what goes on there.

Ladies swear as well!

And they insult personally!

"Number six, I'll f*ck you up!"

Even though she doesn't have the hardware.

They stripped the word of its meaning.

There's a saying,

"Are you just bad with numbers,

or have you never been beaten up?"

I've been on a football field.

There's more to it,

but generally, a football field

is 100 meters by 45 meters.

And he yells at a midfielder,

"Go wide, m*therf*cker!"

Just f*cking look at it!

Have you been on a field?

You'd wanna hail a cab

from midfield to the goal.

And the cab driver

wouldn't reject the trip for being short.

"Run," he says!

Meanwhile, the players' hearts

are like this big.

But people have no respect for talent.

Look, friends. I've been to some games

in Spain with my son.

We like to go sometimes.

We watched the Barcelona-Valencia game.

It was like a billiards match.

This is how fans watch it.

Ol!

The end score was 7-1.

Goal! Ol!

There was no "f*ck your mother!"

No "We will f*ck you up!" Nothing.

Just good old clean football.

I was amazed.

I swear, there is no chance we can fix it.

So I swore off going to football matches.

I don't like people shouting,

"We will f*ck you!"

like a bunch of 9-year-olds.

A man shouldn't be seen doing that.

Same goes for a woman.

Why do they think about sexual acts there?

I think I figured it out.

Since I do those things at home,

I don't think about it at the games.

It's just football.

Goal, penalty shot, offside

Do all that "f*cking" stuff at home

and then come watch the game.

Do those things

when you aren't watching football.

It's so weird. It is.

I said I wouldn't go,

but the sound guy for our movies

managed to convince me.

Levent said,

"Why don't you come to the games, Cem?"

"We are going to Lisbon, Portugal

for the Benfica game."

"We arranged a charter flight

for our elite group of 100 people."

And what is being elite?

Being elite is love.

He said it was an elite group.

I said, "Levent, I don't want to

k*ll you guys' vibe, nor do I want to"

I just don't like that whole scene.

I left behind that whole

boy scouts mentality in middle school.

I mean, even my son doesn't act like that.

So I said no.

He said, "These are all

distinguished people. No hooligans."

My big brother and cousin

also decided to go.

And I got convinced.

Or conned!

I arrived at the airport.

I saw a producer friend of mine,

then an esteemed ad director,

then a poet

who is well-known in literary circles.

"Oh, you're also a Fenerbahe fan, Cem?"

We got on the plane

No, before that, in the airport

I thought it was a nice group of people.

But it was only 10:30.

The plane was at 12:00.

We all gathered around.

A few weirdos arrived.

A few guys with bandanas came.

And then the background chant,

"Your mother's c**t"

And when I noticed it,

I knew I was f*cked.

I didn't want to k*ll their vibe

or be the stuck-up guy of the group.

We had a few beers and boarded the plane.

And dude

They were hitting the covers and stuff.

Even before take-off,

the pilot threatened

to land the plane in Lleburgaz.

We hadn't even taken off.

Lisbon is, what, four hours away?

Oh, dear

We still had four hours of flight

ahead of us.

The attendant told them to sit down.

Their reply? "f*ck sitting!"

You should've seen those people.

Swearing and stuff.

Look, friends.

Here's what I'm trying to tell you.

I was taught that using swear words

was different from being disrespectful.

You can find swear words

in the dictionary as well. So what?

So I find it so exhausting

that people claim

to have learned bad manners

from movies, TV shows,

literary works, and stuff.

What a stupid take! That makes no sense!

There's turmoil in the streets.

I had a bad experience 16 years ago.

That very day, I told my big brother,

"I had a bad experience with a cab driver.

I'll tell it on stage."

He said, "Don't do it, dude."

"People won't believe you."

"They'll think you're making some of it up

and changing some other bits

for comedic effect."

"This story is too vulgar.

It won't be received well."

"They'll find it

disrespectful and irritating."

That was 16 years ago!

Now I get to tell it.

Yes. You need to hear about it.

Because people want to forget some stuff.

I hailed a cab in Mecidiyeky.

Good old days when you could speak Turkish

and get a cab.

You could hail a cab and they'd stop.

So odd.

"I'm going to Levent," I said.

The driver welcomed me.

He was a sweet, charming boy.

He asked, "Do you recognize me, Mr. Cem?"

"No."

"It's so nice to see you here in my taxi."

"Can I take you

to our taxi stand in eliktepe?"

He wants to show me

to his fellow taxi drivers.

With all that pressure,

I said, "Okay, we can go."

"But please at least make it short."

"Brother," he said,

"you don't recognize me,

but I'm a friend of Erkan the Thief

who was your schoolmate in Gltepe."

So I guess we were close.

Erkan the Thief.

The driver said,

"They love you over there. Please."

"We'll just say hello and move on."

I said, "Fine. Make it short."

And I'm telling you, this is all true.

I was in the front passenger seat.

The driver was here,

and the stand was there.

He hit the brakes hard

and yelled out the open window,

"Optic!"

"Optic, do you see

who I have in the cab with me?"

"It's big brother Cem!

He will f*ck you up!"

What did I do?

I hailed a cab in Mecidiyeky.

And took it to some of the roughest areas

I mean, the way he told it,

here's what I did.

I hail a cab and say,

"Take me to eliktepe. I'll f*ck them up!"

Dude, what did I do?

I was just going home.

He just yelled that at the stand.

And they were huge and heavily built.

And the guy he called "Optic"

Nobody once disrespected me in any way.

Optic came to the window like this.

"Mr. Cem, where did you find

this son of a b*tch?"

"His mother works at a whorehouse."

This is how I looked.

I was back to being a 12-year-old

watching a game at Wimbledon.

It was a true back-and-forth.

I swear to God.

And I wasn't young guy, I was in my 40s.

They insulted each other

for three minutes.

Three whole minutes!

And I just froze.

And somehow, they just made up.

He took me to my place in Levent.

And he apologized.

I was alone at home.

I started feeling queasy.

I felt like I needed to wash up.

They did something on me, you know?

Unbelievable, really.

I still remember that flight.

All that ruckus and shouts of "Portugal!"

I had such a hard time.

We landed in Portugal.

And I don't really speak Portuguese.

And the police saw

that some people's eyebrows

were split open.

I mean, who got beaten by whom?

We hadn't even went to the games yet.

It was later that day or the next day.

The police goes

"Don't f*cking talk to us like that!"

I bought a ticket right after we landed

and went back.

You guys are laughing,

but most of the men here

are actually thinking,

"I wouldn't take this guy to a match."

That's how you feel. I get it.

But this just isn't

about football anymore.

This

This is the root of all evil.

I hate drunkenness.

It gets on my nerves.

Doesn't matter who it is.

I find it abhorrent.

-Do you have a favorite drink, brother?

-Whiskey.

A whiskey drinker.

-And the lady?

-She likes to join me.

Are you mad at me, sister?

Why don't you talk?

She did this.

That can work on him, but not on me.

Only he'll be affected

by that "Honey!" attitude.

Not me.

Do you drink, boys?

Don't drink, lads.

I was on the phone just now.

Alcohol is too expensive

in Trkiye anyway.

Isn't that right, guys?

People make bootleg liquor at home.

It's absurd.

It's so hard to do.

There's also a little twist.

They hide the type of alcohol

needed to make bootleg.

We've had so many scandals

over the last few years.

Making liquor at home

is part of our culture, yes.

But nowadays, people are doing it

to save money.

I don't think that's quite right.

It's one of the most obvious problems

I see in this government.

Everything else is all good.

I don't get people who make raki at home.

Especially when they do it in one day

by watching YouTube videos.

"Mehmet, try this."

"I'm here, Cengiz." "Oh."

You know?

It's not right.

You are a whiskey drinker.

As long as you don't get

too drunk and miserable,

you can have your drink as you like.

I really dislike drunkenness.

People think that drunkenness

comes with wisdom,

that they turn into Neyzen Tevfik

when drunk.

They talk big.

"and f*ck your grandma!"

If you are the great Neyzen,

you're still him when drunk.

If you're a shithead,

then you become a drunken shithead.

Drunk people are predictable.

Drunk people are unnecessarily blunt.

It makes no sense.

"Let me tell you something.

You are an as*h*le!"

What do you intend to gain out of this?

They change their minds

in five minutes anyway.

"I'm sorry. I'm the as*h*le."

You know?

If we're going to go in circles,

I don't want to drink with you.

I heard a great anecdote

from an older guy.

I was only like 19 at the time.

So this happened 33 years ago.

You may have heard the joke,

but it's actually a true story.

I love the fact that

things we actually lived through

are told as jokes.

They're in a car, and Ahmet goes,

"Sinan, I can drive if you're too wasted."

Sinan replies,

"Ahmet, you already are driving."

And this is

This one is seriously one of my favorites.

It's so good.

Nothing has been able to top it.

And it still remains a mystery.

We still don't know

who was driving that night.

Isn't that amazing?

Drunkenness sucks.

But I like cultural drinks.

Have you been to Scotland?

I see. I recommend it.

Take the wife and go.

It's a nice and cultural trip.

I've been to thousand-year-old places

in Scotland.

I saw something amazing the other day.

Do you know Blent akrak?

Man, people are out of their minds.

Amid all this tension,

Blent managed to plan

a two-day vacation on Eid.

As he was boarding a ferry to Lesbos,

the paparazzi spotted him

at the harbor in Ayvalk.

"You are going to Lesbos, Mr. Blent?"

And he smiled.

And someone commented, "Greek spawn!"

He's just going to drink raki in Lesbos.

Lunatics are acting like he joined EOKA.

This Turkish-Greek tension

is driving me insane.

We are just having a good time

Where the f*ck

did these fighter jets come from?

"Cancel the tzatziki, please."

Can you f*cking decide

if we're neighbors or enemies?

We had to leave so many events early.

Alright, I'm heading out.

We are nervously checking out the jets

while trying to enjoy raki.

Anyway, we went to Scotland.

Wore those kilts and everything.

And they once again found

something wrong with it.

The news article read, "They wore kilts!"

So?

They're trying to put you down

for something you do,

but they're unaware

that their insinuations

don't even mean anything to you.

It's so odd.

"Did you wear kilts there?" "Yes."

Why would that bother me?

What's wrong with wearing kilts?

Especially in Scotland!

Here, 68% of the audience

wears skirts or dresses.

Is that something humiliating?

I don't understand these wild takes.

We wore the kilts.

And went about sightseeing.

Uraz was also with us.

"They wore kilts in Scotland!"

It's not even considered

a feminine thing over there.

And Scotsmen are not effeminate.

And I find kilts

more aggressive than pants.

You don't wear anything underneath,

and it has a slit.

Don't be fooled by the plaid.

It's more threatening

in terms of masculinity.

If you find yourself in a masculinity duel

with a Scotsman,

before you could unbuckle your belt,

you'd find Morgan right there.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. Carry on."

We have a cute saying in our culture

about drinking.

It blinds us a bit.

Do you know what it is?

You know those clichs?

This one is also a clich.

It goes, "Whatever doesn't k*ll me

makes me stronger."

Stronger my a*s!

What does it even mean?

It's just a poetic sentence.

How could it make you stronger?

I throw a spear at you

"It didn't k*ll me! It made me stronger!"

Whatever doesn't k*ll you

makes you disabled.

It's not how life works.

Don't be fooled by fancy words.

"Whatever doesn't k*ll you

makes you stronger."

We are all so bizarre

when it comes to clichs.

We all tend to fall for clichs.

Even when telling you to be carefree,

people want you to put in effort.

There's a saying in Trkiye,

"Don't worry about him, dude.

f*ck him." You know?

Even that takes effort!

They want you to do some chores

to stop worrying.

What do you mean "f*ck him"?

Even the preparation takes half an hour.

The fact that only some people laughed

shows us

that this is still considered taboo.

Okay, okay!

You can leave, auntie.

Things are going downhill.

All that effort for being carefree!

There's also a nice saying about drinking.

"Get drunk, glow up!" Right?

We fall for this saying.

"Get drunk, glow up!"

And what's the success rate? One percent.

How many people

actually glow up by drinking?

And when it comes to

physical attractiveness

I'm really not interested in that subject.

They say about me, "Look at that ugly guy

hanging out with that pretty girl!"

"God damn you!"

Why should I be as pretty as my partner?

Do I look like a woman?

Do I need to be as pretty as her?

Should I have the same big lips?

Perky boobs, tall legs, and everything?

What nonsense is this?

What a weird thing to say!

"She's so pretty.

And there's this ugly f*ck."

And? "She's prettier." Yes, and?

Should I be

keeping the conversation going?

"He's also something."

"He looks even better than the girl."

Is this how it's supposed to go?

One time, I was eating out alone.

To nobody's surprise, of course.

Then a famous plastic surgeon

came up to me.

You know that clich

of the nightclub kingpin

offering you a job by giving you his card?

He came up to me while I was eating

and whispered in my ear.

"The ears."

He recommends me to see him

to get my ears done.

The plastic surgeon

gave me his business card.

He thinks I should get my ears done

at this age!

What an as*h*le!

Anyway, I sent him away.

And then, about three years later,

I saw an article titled,

"Celebrities who had cosmetic surgery."

And I was in it.

It said I got my ears done.

How much did I get them done?

My ears stuck out more as a kid.

And now that I'm over 50,

my head got a bit bigger,

so maybe they stick out slightly less.

What else could it be?

I went there to get my ears done

but stopped at this point?

Because I ran out of money or something?

They're pinning them back

and I go, "Enough!"

"I need to save money

for my son's education!"

What I'm going to say now

doesn't apply to you.

But one night, right after I said,

"Cosmetic surgeries have become

really popular in the last ten years."

And when I looked up at the audience,

I realized

those were the people I was mocking.

Someone shouted,

"Cem, tell us more about the gorilla!"

"Do that nice gorilla impression again."

They wanted to change the subject.

I understand

it's mostly the women who get work done.

But men aren't so innocent either.

Some dudes

look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

And as a defense mechanism, they say,

"I haven't had any work done on my face."

That's what they say.

"Anything on your face, ma'am?"

"I mean"

"A bit of a touch-up."

Well, you can repair

the rear bumper of a Ford Taunus

with "a bit of a touch-up."

What did they use for the touch-up?

A sledgehammer?

Nowadays, there are people

who keep having cosmetic surgeries.

When I was younger,

in the 80s, Brazil was a very popular

cosmetic surgery destination.

Brazil was so popular

partly because of the back-alley surgeries

that couldn't be done in the US.

Some people have odd requests.

Normally, it should be,

"I stepped on a mine."

"Help me reintegrate into society

through reconstructive surgery."

But these are different.

Some say what I'm doing is body-shaming.

"Shame on you! Those little operations

help boost people's confidence!"

"Why do you mock them?"

I'm not mocking those people.

I'm mocking the maniacs.

I understand people who do it to fit in,

to be happy with a little touch-up.

But some people

flip through the catalog and say,

"You see that monkey's as*h*le?"

"Put it on my lips."

Are we supposed to not make fun of that?

Can we not mock people

who recklessly change their appearance?

Especially when we settle

for such ugliness?

You know that old saying

What was it?

What was that old saying?

"It would offend God."

Our elders can attest to it.

If a person didn't like their appearance

"I don't like my nose!"

"Don't say that. You will offend God."

But now?

Nobody cares about

that whole offending God issue.

Now it's "Give me that French lift."

"What about God?" "God won't be offended."

"I use emergency vehicle lights

to use the emergency lane anyway."

"If that doesn't offend God,

nothing will."

Everybody is having work done.

And some people get sad

when nobody can recognize them anymore.

A friend of mine did that to me.

"How can you not recognize me?"

"Dude, holy sh*t!"

Your own mother won't recognize you.

Even Death won't recognize you.

You are immortal.

He'll walk in with his scythe.

"Mrs. Aynur?"

"Mrs. Aynur, your time is up.

Good day, ma'am."

"Mrs. Aynur?"

"I'm Aynur."

"No f*cking way! For real?"

"What have you done, Mrs. Aynur?"

"You got some facelift.

French lift. Fake lips."

"Breast implants."

"And the lips? Down there too?"

"I'll just put down four lips."

"Alright."

"A bit of a touch-up? Okay."

Those touch-ups are usually the result

of someone wanting an accomplice.

Ladies, if a friend

starts giving you recommendations

regarding your crow's feet,

just know where that's going.

"Just have it done, honey."

"Why?" "Well, I had mine done."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"Just get it done."

She's on a certain journey,

and she really doesn't want to be alone.

She just wants a crowd with her

in the reckoning.

The guy goes, "What the f*ck?

You will offend God."

"But we are a crowd."

That's why.

"You had a lot of work done, Mrs. Aynur.

God will really be offended."

"Alright There's that, and that

A liposuction."

"Please walk so I can check your a*s."

"Ah!"

"His least favorite."

"He finds this one the most offensive."

I'm asking you, as a friend

Please forgive us, sisters.

It's an honest question. Think well.

Why would someone have their a*s done?

I'm asking this as a friend.

I'm 52 years old.

I have seen my a*s maybe once in my life,

not even twice.

If you put ten asses right in front of me

and tell me to pick my own a*s,

I swear to God, I couldn't.

I'd say, "Could be that one."

Are our asses

really a part of our identity?

One's face

It's about security, right?

One's face is the most distinct part

of their body

or even their whole recognizable identity.

We get recognized by our faces.

We are identified

by our faces on our ID cards.

We get identified by our faces

for security purposes.

Therefore, having work done on your face

I guess it kind of falls under

the category we just described.

You know, it's understandable

to want your face to look better.

But why would you have work done

on your a*s?

Why?

What do you need your a*s to do?

Dude Listen.

I'm sitting right now.

My a*s is serving a function.

And if I'm uncomfortable,

the first thing that comes to my mind

is to put another cushion here.

Why would I install the cushion on my a*s

instead of putting it here?

I mean, it makes no sense

from a logistical standpoint.

And they still say,

"Don't criticize."

"Look how she got her confidence back

after having work done."

If you need a butt job

to get a confidence boost,

then your confidence

is already in the gutter.

I mean, come on.

My friends, for two centuries,

people have been saying,

"Women are not just their bodies."

"Being a woman is

an identity, a personality."

"Media conglomerates

are treating women as a commodity."

"Big Media sexualized women

for marketing campaigns."

Yada, yada. For two centuries!

We listened to all of that

through our childhood,

youth, and adulthood.

"Yes. Right. Women as an object"

And then what happened?

Now everyone is

putting their a*s on TikTok.

People are filming their own asses

to show everyone.

Are Big Media or conglomerates

telling you to do that?

They enter everyone's room

and whisper, "Film your a*s."

"But I play the guitar."

"Forget about it. Show your a*s."

My takeaway from this is

that people focus on

their certain body parts

because they identify themselves

with those parts.

So the fourth wave of feminism

is all about "My a*s, my choice."

This is science, dude.

I'm making a layered joke right now.

Don't get too rowdy, peasants.

Poor people aren't even allowed

to enjoy themselves.

I'm kidding. Laugh all you want.

One day, I was at a gathering, and

I never hit on women. Never.

What was that laugh?

I swear. I never hit on women.

Those who know me personally can confirm.

Honestly, sister. Never.

Tell me,

what does hitting on women entail?

It entails putting in effort.

Some manipulation and stuff.

It's basically work.

I don't have time for that.

I have a show the next day.

If anyone has ever seen me

hitting on women at an event, speak up!

This is all being recorded too!

Imagine me going, "Hi, what's up?"

"Yes. G.O.R.A., A.R.O.G."

"Let's continue laughing at my place."

I'd never do that. I find it silly.

I've always found it silly, even as a kid.

I was standing there with a drink

next to a lady.

She looked like the independent type.

I didn't know her at all.

We were just standing next to each other.

She said,

"Do you like it?"

"Do you like it?" she asked.

Such a broad question, you know?

I said, "I'm sorry? What do you mean?"

She changed the subject a bit

and said, "My pants."

"How do you like my pants?"

They actually had a unique design.

They were high-waisted

and tightly fitted around the hips

with some batik designs or something.

I said, "They're nice. Quite original."

She said, "These are my hunting pants."

"I put these on when I go hunting."

I said, "Well, it's not my season."

"Like, really."

"You should've hunted me in September,

during woodcock season."

Turns out, she was really bold

because she said,

"Stop joking. Be honest.

Don't you like my a*s?"

It's so sad, isn't it?

Had I said something

even remotely similar to that,

the gendarmerie and the police

would arrive immediately.

They would talk about me

on women's talk shows.

"He judges people by their asses."

"And he's Ozan Gven's friend."

We'd never hear the end of it.

Yeah.

"He didn't attend Gezi protests

even though he was instructed to."

Just endless, you know?

We are not equals when it comes to this.

She gets to be as bold as she wants

because she's a woman.

"Don't you like my a*s?"

And because I had a sense of duty,

I said, "Your a*s is really nice, sister."

"But it has one downside."

"It belongs to you."

"That's the drawback."

"It's such a shame

that wherever this goes,

you go along with it."

"That's the catch with this a*s."

"But if I can have it without the bundle,

I'll wash it and bring it back tomorrow."

She had it coming.

If you make it all about your a*s,

be ready to get some shade.

Right?

Having so much work done on your body

is so outdated.

Men are also going crazy.

I saw a new fad on the news.

Please forgive me if you had it done.

I have to mock it.

Groom fillers.

Peasants know it well, see?

It's absurd.

They inject some kind of liquid, or

I think it's something silicon-based.

They inject it into your p*nis. My God!

This has been discussed

so many times over the years.

What the hell do you want?

Make it six meters long, go ahead!

What's your goal?

To use it as a scarf in the winter?

People can be so primitive sometimes.

They make me

think of the Aztecs and the Mayans.

Or the African tribes that still exist.

You know,

the ones that wear lip plates and such.

Or Burmese women who wear neck rings.

Or Africans who walk around

with p*nis gourds.

I see no difference, honestly.

Body alteration isn't anything new.

If anything, it's outdated.

After multiple facelifts, they go,

"Thank you, doctor. It looks great!"

"A couple drumsticks

and I'll be all set for Ramadan."

They stretch their skin like a drumhead.

And they think it looks good.

It's so baffling.

Nobody ever talks

about someone's personality anymore.

Such a stark contrast

to what literature has traditionally been.

Good going! I have no words.

Coughing won't get you any sympathy.

Tell me, what work have you had done?

Do you know what is

a beginner-level body alteration?

Lip filler!

Lip fillers and stuff.

No, not even that.

Tattoos.

I don't have any tattoos.

But some people

A woman in the audience once said,

"I have a tattoo

somewhere nobody can see."

What is that supposed to mean?

We all understood it immediately.

You spread the legs,

and it reads, "Goods receiving."

She wants to keep it a secret,

but gives it away immediately.

I was the one who said that, Mr. Cem.

This proves how honest I am.

We had that conversation, right?

You were in the third row.

See? I'm a real comedian.

Can you prove the tattoo is real?

Can you disclose where it really is?

You can show it to the cameras.

What does your tattoo say?

It's on my hip.

Your hip, huh?

I was close.

On one of the cheeks?

-What does it say?

-Nothing.

-What?

-It's just a shape.

A shape?

A guiding arrow?

I mean

Not only do I always tell the truth,

it appears that I told the truth.

Have fun with your tattoo.

I don't have a tattoo.

It's not recommended for actors.

But many actor friends of mine

get tattoos since they're easy

to cover up with make-up now.

When I was younger,

the most popular tattoos were,

not counting figures,

famous Latin phrases.

You know those?

Like "Carpe Diem."

Or "Tutto Passa,"

meaning "Everything passes."

Those were all the rage.

Barcodes were popular once.

Mysterious, science fiction themed.

You know? Gattaca. Barcode on the neck.

"What's up?"

"I'm good, dude."

But if you have it scanned at a store,

you'll see it's just the barcode

for some f*cking laundry detergent.

Or a Nivea moisturizer.

Right?

Or baking powder.

Vanilla flavor.

Do you guys have tattoos?

Who has an unusual one?

-You have one? What is it?

-An "X" tattoo.

I have Ra.

-Ra?

-Yes.

So your body is like a place of rituals.

My goodness!

-Where's Ra? Is it Ra's eye?

-Yes.

Ra's eye. Okay. Got it.

God help us!

I find it Don't take it personally.

Imagine going at it with someone,

getting naked and stuff

You turn her over and see Ra!

It'd irk you, you know?

It's so different from

making love to a regular person.

A Ra tattoo on her back!

It would scare you, you know?

You see a Latin phrase in capital letters

about a religious ritual

Just get something straightforward,

like that.

A friend of mine has a funny tattoo.

It reads,

The "t" is missing.

I mean

How do you

How do you f*cking forget

the essence of your whole argument

while writing it?

"I will never for"

What the hell is "I will never forge"?

My God!

Some people tattoo their kids' names.

"lknur! Aynur!"

So they don't forget.

I have a friend we call "Beard."

When Beard falls in love,

he immediately gets her name

tattooed everywhere.

"kran." He has that tattooed everywhere.

"I'm marrying kran."

Well, don't tattoo her name

on your f*cking forehead.

And the moment he got a divorce,

the "kran"s turned into Batman symbols.

He got married a second time.

And it was "Melis" all over his body.

"Melis and I are serious."

The "Melis"es

turned into Batman symbols too.

Now the only person he can date is Batman.

He has nowhere else to get a tattoo.

"I don't like anyone," he says.

Because he ran out of space.

There are lots of tattoo f*ck-ups.

There's a famous quote by Tupac.

Actually, is it a song?

You know? It's really well-known.

I'm not a theologist or anything,

but in my humble opinion,

the quote is problematic

from a religious perspective.

Because philologically

I'm okay with the other words.

"Only God judge me," that's fine.

Meaning "I will only be judged by God."

That's a heavy quote.

It emphasizes your faith.

But "can" or "able to"

It doesn't quite fit.

Because you're talking about

the Almighty God.

"Can" diminishes the whole thing.

Don't you agree? I mean

"Only God can judge me.

I'll allow it, you can judge me."

It's too childish.

"Only God judge me" is fine.

But "Only God can judge me"

sounds wrong to me.

An actor friend of ours

is a devout Muslim.

He got a tattoo when he was young,

but I think he got it removed later on.

Going up a level.

I mean

How are you going to explain that

in the reckoning?

"Hello! I'm dead."

"What the hell?"

"Allah can judge me."

"Oh, really? You don't say?"

"Wow! Wait here a bit."

"Mrs. Aynur, dip your a*s

in the molten lava like this, yes."

"Come here."

What was that about "only can Allah"?

"Tupac."

"Yes? Tupac, he's in here."

"He's impaled on a stake. So?"

"You wrote 'can,' huh?"

"Are you insane? God does judge you."

Where do you weirdos get these ideas?

"My intentions were pure, but"

"My intentions were pure.

Can you let him know?"

"I had no ill intent.

God can judge me, you know?"

"I meant to get it removed,

but didn't get to live long enough."

"Can you let him know about it?

Is it going to be a problem inside?"

"You'll get f*cked."

"They'll demolish you."

"Can you ask him, please?

My intentions were pure."

"Wait here."

"You know"

"Yeah, similar to Tupac's"

"You know, 'Only God can judge me,'

but his reads 'Allah' instead."

"Yeah."

"I told him."

"Right. Okay, my Lord."

"My dear."

"One second. Go on, dear."

"I posted a raki picture on Instagram."

"f*ck off!

I can't deal with you right now."

"My dear, I asked about your case."

"Tattoo is a sin."

Good night, friends!