Heavyweights (1995)

[bunniefuu]

(BELL RINGS)

-Excuse us!

-Jeez! Get a room or somethin'.

You know they're

gonna charge for those.

Those books aren't cheap, either.

What are you looking at?

(HORN HONKS)

BOY: Gerry, isn't that your bus?

GERRY: Great way to start the summer.

Wait! Dumb bus! Stop!

Go, fat boy, go!

(SINGING) Everybody wants to live

and they wanna live

Everybody wants to love

and they wanna love

Everybody wants to be

closer to free

Everybody wants respect

COACH: A little help here, son.

Come on, toss it over.

(BALL HITS FENCE)

Give it another try there, son. Right here.

(LAUGHTER)

Come on, over the fence, son.

(DOG SNARLS)

Everybody one, everybody two

Everybody three

Everybody needs to touch

now and then

And everybody wants

a good, good friend

Everybody wants to be

Lemonade! Lemonade!

Everybody wants to live

and they wanna live

And everybody wants to love

and they wanna love

Everybody wants to be closer to free

-Hello?

-MOM: We're in here, honey.

DAD: Come on, son.

Why is everybody home?

Did someone die?

Who's this?

Hi, Gerry. Roger Johnson.

Islander's fan?

Team of the future, I say.

Yeah. Whatever. I'm outta here.

Hold those horses, cowboy.

Mr. Johnson is your guest,

and he's here to talk to you

about a very special summer camp.

A camp designed just for you, Gerry.

Summer camp? No way! I have plans

for the summer. I'm gonna hang out.

Come on, honey, he's got a videotape

for us to watch.

Why don't we just take a little peek?

Why don't we not?

WOMAN: Greetings, future campers.

I'm Alice Bushkin, and this is Harvey,

and we've been the owners

and operators of Camp Hope

for 32 wonderful summers.

Won't you join us for number 33?

DAD: What's that?

Okay, this is called the Blob.

The "Blob"?

You can go as high

as 15 feet on that thing.

Wow!

Go-karts! How many times

can you go on the go-karts?

As much as you want, Gerry.

But be careful.

They can be addicting.

I'm only kidding.

I'm Pat Finley.

I've been comin' here since I was

10 years old. Wanna know why?

'Cause Camp Hope is the fun way

to lose weight. Right, guys?

It's a fat camp! Are you crazy?

No way! I'm not going to a camp

with a bunch of fat loads!

Gerry!

-Now, That's not kind, Gerry.

-We're doing this for your own good.

We gotta nip this thing in the bud.

I'm fine. This is a joke, right?

You're fatter than I am.

Why don't you go to the camp?

You show your father some respect.

First, I think we should have

a little pow-wow,

and we will call you

with our decision later.

I'll give you my decision right now.

I'm not going.

Hey there, Mr. Rainy Day.

I've got a little surprise for you.

Cutie!

Great!

Headed to fat camp?

No. Why do you say that?

'Cause you're fat.

-That your dad?

-No.

-Why do you say that?

-'Cause he's fat too.

Well, so are you.

I know. That's why I'm goin' to fat camp.

I'm Roy.

I'm Gerry.

-Yeah, I guess I'm goin'.

-I knew it.

-And that's your dad, too, isn't it?

-Hell, no.

Well, you're gonna love camp, man.

Camp is awesome.

Plus, no one picks on you

because you're not the fat kid.

Everybody's the fat kid.

Just stick with me, Gerry,

because I'm the man!

Mr. Bushkin tells the scariest

ghost stories you ever heard.

-BOYS: Hey, Roy!

-Yes, have no fear. I have returned.

I got a rookie here and his name's Gerry.

So show him the same amount

of respect that you show me, none.

Excuse me. I'm looking for

several portly adolescents.

That's us. Lookin' good, Pat.

Tell me somethin' I don't know.

Let's load her up.

Hey! How are ya, guys?

Phillip, how are you?

-This is Gerry.

-Hey, Gerry. I'm Pat. Pat Finley.

I'm sure you recognize me

from my work in the Camp Hope video.

We have a little tradition here, Gerry.

The new guy drives to camp.

Right, guys?

Just try to keep it under 70, all right?

We got some weird local cops.

-You drive a stick, right?

-Well, no, but I can try.

No, no, no. Sorry, cannot risk it.

Gerry, come here a second.

I gotta ask you somethin'.

Somethin' very serious.

Are you ready for

the best damn summer of your life?

PAT: Let's go! Is everybody gonna

behave themselves this summer?

-BOYS: No!

-Good! That's what I expect.

BOY: Come on, pull over.

PAT: No, no, I can't do it.

I gotta get back to camp.

Come on, don't bug me.

BOY: Please!

-All right.

-(BOYS CHEERING)

(BOYS GROANING)

BOY: That's not funny, Pat.

PAT: I thought it was

pretty amusing, myself.

-PAT: Garner, where're you from?

-Long Island.

PAT: Never heard of it.

PAT: Hey, Sam, don't lean your head

out the window.

We lost six kids like that last summer.

I'm not gonna pick up your head.

SAM: Leave my head,

I don't need it anyway.

PAT: Camp Hope, everybody.

The best place on earth! All right!

BOYS: (CHANTING) Camp Hope!

All right. Now, in a nice,

orderly fashion, get off my bus!

Get off! Everybody off!

PAT: It's stuck! I don't know what to do!

BOY: Open the door!

Heads up!

-Hey, bony butt!

-How was your year, chicken legs?

-It's not funny, okay guys?

-Why are they teasing him?

That's a counselor named Tim.

He used to be one of us,

but then he lost weight.

So we like to give him a hard time

about it.

He's cool, though.

Hey, Tim, what happened?

Did you have a baby?

That's funny. Just 'cause I got

these great, skinny buns of steel.

Look at that. All tight and taut.

I bet you wish they were yours.

Take a look, boys.

The envy of the entire camp.

Up there is the bald eagle, which is a...

-Hi.

-Hi.

I'm Julie, the new nurse.

Pat.

Pat, I'm a little lost.

Can you tell me where the infirmary is?

Let's see.

No.

Oh, well, I'll find it.

Nice to meet you.

Pat, you've been comin' here

since you were 10,

and you don't know

where the infirmary is?

I panicked.

Pat, what are we

gonna do with you, man?

-Help me with these bags, all right?

-All right.

Garner? Let's get workin' on this trunk.

-You got a girlfriend?

-No.

So, you broke up with her

before the summer,

so you could be free to play the field?

Yeah, you gotta play the field.

Yeah, I break up with my girlfriend

before every summer.

You gotta be free, you know?

All right, put it down.

Well, this is it, Gerry. I've been

the counselor in here for 10 years.

I hope you're ready.

You'll be hangin' with some

pretty cool cats.

-Josh, how you doin', man?

-Roy.

I just saw the new nurse,

and she's very attractive.

This pleases me.

PAT: Here it is.

Chez Chipmunk, my summer home.

What've we got here?

Gerry, this is Josh. Camp legend.

Aye, aye, captain, sir. All present

and accounted for, captain, sir.

What's the matter, you're not a captain?

No.

Then maybe you should lose the wings.

Welcome to the

Chipmunk Bunk, captain.

The best bunk in the entire camp.

You guys aren't gonna call me captain

all summer, are you?

-Yes, sir!

-Yes, sir!

Okay, captain, looks like

you're all set here.

I gotta go take care of some other stuff.

-BOY: You're the best, Pat.

-All right, take it easy.

All right, Gerry, over here

is your brand-new bunk.

Don't tell anybody, but I snuck in

some Oreos for emergencies.

That was very sneaky of you.

Chipmunks, download now!

New kid, yo!

Come on over here. Get these salamis

off my back. They really hurt.

-Hey, Phillip, look at this.

-That's pretty nice, Nicholas.

But look at this.

Yes!

Crikey! I knew it was too hot in that bus.

This is definitely not sanitary.

Everyone!

Grab a taste of England, guys!

(BLUE DANUBE PLAYING)

You're gonna love the Bushkins.

Every year they surprise us

with something cool

they bought for the camp.

Last year they got us the Blob,

and this year I heard

they're getting us jet skis.

-Jet skis?

-Here they come.

-You're gonna love these people.

-Really?

(FEEDBACK)

Greetings, campers.

Hi! Hi! Hiya!

You'll get it.

That's the greatest sound

I've heard in a long time.

Harvey and I are saddened

and dismayed to announce

that we are no longer

the owners of Camp Hope.

-What?

-What are you talkin' about?

Sometimes in life, things don't

work out the way you planned.

And in those situations, sometimes,

you file Chapter 9 bankruptcy.

Jesus! We've worked our whole life!

And what do we have to show?

Nothin', nothin', nothin'!

Stop it, Harvey, stop it.

Okay, kids.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Now, your new owner is gonna

introduce himself in a minute.

But you know what I would like?

Please, could you give us

just one more Camp Hope

"Hi! Hi! Hiya!"

Hiya.

God bless all of you.

BOY 1: We love you, Harvey!

BOY 2: He's kidding, guys.

He's gotta be.

One word of advice.

Never let anyone sign your checks!

Harvey, please.

-What are we gonna do, Roy?

-I don't know, man.

(SIREN WAILS)

(DRUMMING STARTS)

Now it's time to meet

the new owner and operator.

Tony Perkis is a man

who believes in you.

His life is dedicated

to saying things like,

"Yes!" and "You better believe it!"

Entrepreneur, a motivator

and our new friend.

May I introduce Tony Perkis!

Can you smell it?

There's a life force in here tonight.

Do you feel it?

I look around this room

and I see potential.

I see the future chairman

of a Fortune 500 company.

I see a famous rap artist.

I see the President of

the United States of America.

He's from England.

Being an only child,

educated entirely by private tutors

my whole life,

I'm looking forward to interacting

with children for the first time.

I'm gonna teach you,

and I bet you might teach me

a little something also.

Now, those of you from

western Pennsylvania

probably know my father, Tony Perkis

senior, the "lighting fixture" king.

All the lights you'll see around

this camp have been donated by him.

(FANFARE)

But I'm gonna do old Dad one better.

I'm not gonna give you a light.

I'm gonna show you the light!

And to help me do it, let's meet

the new staff of Camp Hope.

Team Perkis!

All right. Stand proud, boys.

Hey, who wants to be on TV?

That's Kenny the cameraman.

Hey, there, Kenny!

If all goes according to plan,

we're gonna turn this summer

into the number one weight-loss

infomercial in the country!

-You're kidding.

-Kids...

At age 12, I weighed 319 pounds.

I had bad skin, low self-esteem

and no self-respect.

Now I eat success for breakfast

with skimmed milk.

Pounds are gonna fly

and fat is outta here, mister!

-And we are gonna do it together!

-(MUSIC STARTS)

Oh, my God!

BOY: I wanna go home!

The Bushkins always put me

in the Chipmunk Bunk.

I've been in here for, like, 10 years.

According to my information, you have

been reassigned to the Big House.

I don't think Tony would mind

if we switched back.

That would make me feel

very uncomfortable.

Well, I'm gonna talk to Tony.

Please do. Let me get your bag.

Goodbye, now. Enjoy your summer.

Hello!

I'm your new friend and counselor.

Please enjoy

your new PerkiSystem uniforms.

Your families will be billed automatically.

Now, let's play the fun game that

helps us learn each other's names.

-We already know each other's names.

-Silence!

You! Please announce

everyone's name.

Okay. That's Roy. That's Josh.

Sam. That's Cody. That's Nicholas.

That's Michael. That's Phil.

And I am Lars.

Lars? What kind of name is that?

Where are you from?

Far away.

Now, I must inform you

I have a severely deviated septum.

When I sleep at night,

I make a very disturbing sound.

Don't be alarmed. I am fine.

Now, go to sleep.

(LARS SNORES)

(LARS WHEEZES)

(ANGELIC NEW-AGE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no. I'm dead!

I'm in heaven.

Roy? Roy.

What's goin' on?

TONY: Wake up, campers.

It's a glorious morning.

Today is evaluation day.

The key word here is "value".

Do you have any? Not yet.

But by the end of the summer,

this camp's gonna be

filled with skinny winners!

Skinny wieners? You hear that, guys?

Do you think I'm crazy?

I'm not crazy. I just believe in you.

And I believe in you.

Call and order now.

All right, let's go get our hands dirty.

Glide! Stride! Glide! Stride!

Get your butt off the ground!

Concentrate!

Find your center.

Stride! Glide!

Stride!

-I'm feeling skinny, Tony.

-TONY: So am I.

If we keep this up, I see no reason

why we can't beat

Camp MVP in the Apache Relay.

What's an Apache Relay?

It's a dumb inter-camp event

when those stupid jocks at MVP

come over here

and kick our butts every year.

Only film the ones

that are standing, Kenny.

Glide!

141 pounds, Gerry Garner.

Weight-loss goal, 17 pounds.

Please step down.

Next!

Very fat, I see. 160 pounds.

Weight-loss goal, 23 pounds.

Oh, my!

Congratulations, Mr. Simms.

You're the fattest boy in camp.

All right! Let's hear it for the fat guy!

Get down!

Five and a quarter.

LARS: Big smile.

Turn around to your side.

Please put your fat finger down!

You've broken my camera!

No, no, no, you listen to me.

If I don't get a 50,000 unit presale

on this video, my a*s is wheatgrass.

Just hang on a second.

Attention, campers. Tonight's lecture

is "Liposuction: Option or Obsession?"

Watch out for Salami Sam!

Hey, don't pee in the water!

Don't drink the water. He peed in it!

Nurse Julie!

Excuse me. Nurse Julie. I'm having

a problem with my sciatic nerve.

Perhaps later you could

give me a deep-tissue massage?

I'll pencil you in. Lars,

shouldn't you be watching the kids?

Don't worry.

I have them on the body system.

-Body system?

-Yeah. Have a look.

-Buddy!

-Buddy!

-Buddy!

-Buddy!

-Buddy!

-Buddy!

Buddy. You're obviously

a very powerful man, Lars.

Would you excuse me?

Yes, but with much difficulty.

-Buddy!

-Buddy!

All right. Gerry, here's your bat.

Nicholas, you know what to do.

Is this kinda like cricket?

It's not kinda like cricket, it is cricket,

just with a different name.

Tim! The MVPers are almost here.

Are the boys ready?

Oh, yeah, Tony!

You know, I really need

to talk to you about this.

I think our kids are gonna

get their butts handed to 'em.

Why don't we just hold off?

Thank you for telling me

how to run my camp, that I bought.

Yeah, well, This isn't gonna help

those kids get any better at sports.

We're not teaching them about sports.

We're teaching them about life.

Life.

GERRY: Look!

COUNSELOR: Come on, let's go!

Let's do it!

-I'm not so good at sports.

-Yeah. And I'm Deion Sanders.

We're dead, guys.

Come on, I wanna see

some hustle out there!

-Hey, Chris.

-Hey, Pat. How you doin'?

-So you got a promotion?

-Yeah.

Listen, Chris, over the years

you guys have whupped us pretty good.

How about taking it easy on my guys?

You know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

MVP campers are trained to compete

at the highest level at all times.

We wouldn't wanna confuse 'em.

Looking good, Pat.

All right, let's work it around!

Come on, men!

Now, let's just hit the field

and let the fates decide.

There we go, good plan. All right!

There you go. Eye of the tiger. Did

you eat your Wheaties today, Phillip?

Thank God you ate your Wheaties.

All right, Simms. Way to hustle!

Like a rocket. There you go.

LARS: Pat Finley, please report

to the men's toilets immediately.

Bring a mop and a plunger, now!

Tim, take me out, please.

UMPIRE: Out!

CHRIS: Beautiful!

-Can I go to the nurse?

-Yeah, okay, Phillip.

Just wait till someone

comes back, okay?

(GROANING)

Cody, what on earth

is going on out there?

We're perkisizing.

Strike!

Strike!

Strike three!

Strike!

Nice swing, you fat tubbo.

Is that all you've got?

UMPIRE: That's foul.

UMPIRE: All right, next batter.

Let's go, son.

Sorry!

You can do it.

Keep your eyes on the bat.

Put it in the pocket. Swing harder.

I have no idea what I'm saying.

You okay?

Well, there goes your perfect game.

Come on!

-Calm down.

-Take your base, you big baby.

You're holding up the game.

That's right, suck it up, Gerry.

The poor baby's gonna cry.

Don't blubber, chubber!

Mess with us.

No, man! That's my bed!

I don't enjoy this part of the job.

But it's vital to the success

of the PerkiSystem

that we remove all temptation

from your lives.

Here. Dispose of that, Lars.

What? I'm still your friend.

Come on, give me a hug.

Come on.

Tony believes in you.

Looks like my man's packin'!

Drop back, son.

Tony!

Sir. I was a Chipmunk last year. Look.

Well, well, well! What have we here?

Who would like to own up

to this treasure trove?

Whose wonderful candies are these?

Look. A deli meat.

You, come here. Yes, you. Come here.

Don't be frightened. Just come here.

-ID cards.

-Yes, Tony.

Let's see.

"Garner, Gerald. 141 pounds. Age, 11."

Now, I'm sure you didn't have

anything to do with this, did you?

Well...

But I bet you might be able

to tell me who did.

Anyone who brings candy

into this camp is not your friend.

He is a destroyer.

Do you understand that, Gerald Garner?

Do you? I'm sure your father,

Maury Garner, wouldn't wanna hear

that his son is a destroyer.

Would he? I don't think so.

Enough. All right. I'll tell you

whose candy it is, Uncle Tony.

Let the man speak.

The candy belongs to Seymour Butts.

Seymour Butts? Seymour Butts?

Who's Seymour Butts?

Who's Seymour Butts?

Nobody's seen more butts

than you, Uncle Tony!

(WHISPERS) You picked

the wrong man to mess with.

I didn't know I was messing with a man.

We have a comedian.

Hey, I like comedians.

Perhaps I can book you on a tour.

ROY: You're the man, Josh!

TONY: Good morning, campers.

Joshua Burnbalm is no longer with us.

His bed is now available.

Josh is all right, isn't he?

Man, I hope so, wherever he is.

Sam, hear about Josh?

Sorry to hear about

your little friend Josh.

Gerry, I found out the truth about Josh.

I heard that they kicked him out,

and his parents were so mad

they wouldn't let him come home.

They left him at a bus stop

all alone at midnight.

He's... Well, he's dead.

He pulled a knife on Tony,

and now they've got him locked up

in a juvenile delinquent center.

Now he's living in the park in

New York with a guy who has no legs.

-No way!

-I'm just tellin' you what I heard.

GERRY: Dear Grandma,

someone once said "w*r is hell."

They've never been to fat camp.

I knew the food would be bad,

but even worse,

today he k*lled the Blob.

As for the go-karts,

may they rest in pieces.

I'm writing you because

nobody else seemed to care.

I did not send you to go-kart camp.

Attention, campers. Lunch has been

canceled today due to lack of hustle.

Deal with it.

GERRY: Tony Perkis

tries to lead by example.

This is the 18th level

of the PerkiSystem.

You'll all be doing this by Labor Day.

-All right, do it to it, Lars.

-It's my honor, Tony.

BOY: Crazy!

GERRY: But we're afraid to follow.

I know each and every one of you

because I was you.

GERRY: Once a day,

the kids from Camp MVP drive by

and make fun of us.

You stink! You stink! You stink!

You stink! You stink!

GERRY: At night,

they vandalize our camp.

At least Josh got out,

where there's food.

We have to resort

to more desperate measures.

Let's get her!

I want meat!

Tony's arranged a dance

with the girls' camp,

so he can humiliate us

into losing weight.

Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry.

(SINGING) S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night

S-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night

Keep on dancin' to the rock and roll

On Saturday night, Saturday night

Dancin' to the rhythm

with our heart and soul

On Saturday night, Saturday night

Let's just get outta here.

We can't, man.

They're guardin' the door.

Rock and roll.

Look at this. Sugar-free punch.

This bites!

How much more of this are they gonna

subject us to before we can leave?

Why don't those guys just lose weight?

Why don't you show 'em how

to throw up after meals like you do?

-Shut up!

-You shut up.

You guys, stop it.

Team Jerkis strikes again?

Do you think he could have possibly

planned for it to be this bad?

Yes.

I have some friends in child welfare.

Tony must be doing

something ill*gal around here.

Maybe I should give 'em a call.

-Great!

-This really bites!

Would you like to have

some of this punch?

Yeah. Thanks.

Did you catch Lars' outfit?

Yo, check this out.

-Jeez, she's comin' over.

-I think she's looking at me.

Do you know where the bathroom is?

That was brutal.

Well, they're young, you know.

Still afraid of girls. Poor guys.

So, do you wanna dance?

No. I have a bad sprained...

Excuse me. Tim?

Okay.

This has got to end.

(LOVE MACHINE PLAYING)

Excuse me, guys.

(SINGING) I'm just a love machine

And I won't work for nobody but you

I'm just a love machine

Tim's blown a microchip!

Tim! Tim!

-What are you doing?

-Saving the dance. Come on.

We'll start dancing,

the girls will see

how much fun we're having,

and then everyone will join in.

That's weird, Tim.

Maybe it is, Reverend No Fun,

but I am saving the dance.

Stand back and watch the magic!

I'm just a love machine

And I won't work for nobody but you

I'm just a love machine

A huggin', kissin' fiend

Come on, guys, come on!

If they see how much fun

we're havin', they'll join in.

-It'll be contagious.

-It's called boogie fever. Catch it!

Let's give it a shot.

Maybe we should go out there.

It's just dancing.

Okay. I guess I can stand this song.

-Yeah.

-Yes!

Excuse me.

May I have the pleasure of this dance?

Yes, you may.

Take a look into my file

I am sure you can find out how

To turn me on just set my dial

And let me love you for a little while

I'm just a love machine

And I won't work for nobody but you

I'm just a love machine

A huggin', kissin' fiend

(MUSIC STOPS)

All right, dance is over.

Everybody go home.

Thank you for coming, ladies.

Buses are waiting over there.

Thank you. Appreciate your efforts.

I know this hasn't been easy.

Put the fruit trays away.

The insects will be out soon.

Hey. How 'bout a ride outta here?

Did this place always stink this much?

No, Gerry.

This place used to stink very little.

In fact,

it didn't stink at all.

Yeah, well, it does now.

I thought at least

I'd be able to ride the go-karts.

I've never ridden one.

You really like 'em, huh?

I'm so slow.

It would've been cool to go fast.

Really fly, you know?

Just thought I'd be good at it.

Really?

That's interesting.

So, you think you'd be able to handle

those hairpin turns?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah?

Think you'd be able to handle

that powerful engine?

-Yeah!

-Let's see what you got, Garner!

So how did you learn

how to drive go-karts?

Mowed a lot of lawns, Gerry.

Avoid the obstacles. Short turn!

-Come on, faster!

-Faster? Faster.

Yeah, no problem.

-How are you on your jumps?

-These things jump?

Jump? They fly, buddy. They fly.

Watch out for that oil slick!

That was fun. Let's do it again.

-Okay.

-Yes!

-Soon as I catch my breath.

-All right.

-Maybe next summer.

-Come on, Pat.

(SNORING)

(DOOR SQUEAKS)

(DOOR BANGS)

(JOSH MUMBLES)

Josh?

Josh? It's Josh.

Josh is back! Josh!

-Josh, man, good to see you!

-I knew you were okay.

Wait a second. Josh? What's wrong?

What'd they do to you?

Josh. Speak to me.

Were you in jail? The nut house?

Josh, it's me, Gerry!

Gerry!

Funny, Josh. But, really,

what happened, man? Talk to us.

Josh was bad.

Oh, man. Oh, jeez.

Josh now good.

Good? What do you mean?

Must be

good to see my big a*s again!

I liked you better with the lobotomy.

-Josh, what really happened?

-Perkis sent me home without a refund.

However, my dad's a lawyer.

He calls up Perkis, threatens to sue,

and Perkis caved like

the Buffalo Bills in a Super Bowl.

All right!

Hey, Josh. How long you been shavin'?

A couple of years.

What was it like on the outside?

It was incredible.

First I went to the Sizzler.

Got that all-you-can-eat meal.

I closed the place.

How're we fixed

for supplies on this end?

Perkis wiped us out. There isn't a

gummy bear left in this entire camp.

I am doggin' it this mornin'.

Come on, T. Now let's do it up.

Start me up.

Come on. Hurry up, guys.

We don't have all day.

Looks pretty sturdy, guys.

-Hurry up, man.

-I'm tryin'.

Okay. Roy, you're up first.

Give it a shot, man.

Simms, you're my lookout man.

Give me a boost.

Gerry, you check this room out.

Roy and Nicholas, you guys

come with me. Be quiet about it.

The candy's gotta be

in here somewhere.

NICHOLAS: I'll find the candy.

Where's the sweets?

-Over here.

-What've you got?

Come on, you devil log!

-Hurry up.

-All right, all right.

"Perkisize with Tony?"

That's me!

I'm skinny!

Come on, Josh, come on!

-I'm trying.

-If you can't get it, we need to leave.

Thanks, captain.

I'm doggin' it, Pat. I'm doggin' it.

Letters.

You guys, these are our letters home.

No way. This guy is sick.

This is a letter I wrote my grandma!

-Pack it up, guys. Let's move!

-Oh, no! We're dead!

He's coming. He's coming. He's coming!

Roy, the picture. Josh, the drawers.

-Where do the whites go? Help me.

-Right here.

Wait a second. Where's Nicholas?

-You guys go. I'll get him.

-All right. Let's move it, Roy.

Nicky! Nicholas!

What are you doing? He's coming!

Get down.

Gerry, come on!

(FARTS)

-I didn't mean to.

-Just go.

-Coast clear?

-That was close.

Clear.

We did it.

Hey, man, you really showed some

guts out there, cappy. I'm impressed.

And one of those

fish and chips farts, Nicky?

-I said my deepest apologies...

-Wait.

-Wrapper.

-What?

Wrapper. Food wrapper. Come on.

Who's in there? What have you got?

Nothing. No one. Just go away.

-GERRY: Where'd you get that?

-I found it.

You "found it."

Come here, you little putz!

-Tell us!

-All right. Okay. I'll tell you.

Gotta keep it a secret, okay?

(SINGING) I know a guy

who's tough but sweet

He's so fine he can't be beat

He's got everything that I desire

Sets the summer sun on fire

I want candy

Go to see him

when the sun goes down

Ain't no finer boy in town

I want candy

I want candy

LARS: Okay, everyone. Here we go.

I'm not rolling yet.

-Are you rolling now, Kenneth?

-Speed.

-Does that mean rolling?

-Yes, it does.

LARS: Okay, everyone, clap your hands.

Well, we've reached the midpoint

of our great experiment.

Parents' day is just around the corner,

and I think they're gonna be

very, very pleased.

Remember to wear your name tags.

I don't think they'll recognize you.

Okay, now it's time to see

what the PerkiSystem means

in pure loss of poundage.

This is the moment

we've all been waiting for.

-Phillip Rubinoff. Step up, son.

-Yeah!

All right, let's see how you're doin',

you little whippersnapper.

Okay. You're two pounds heavier

than when you came to camp.

But we can fix that.

All we have to do

is decrease his food intake

and increase his metabolic output.

All right, step off the scale, son.

Muscle weighs more than fat.

All right! Okay.

Gerald Garner. Step on up, Gerald.

-Good luck.

-Go get 'em, captain.

Hello, Gerald. Moment of truth.

You've gained nine pounds.

Have you been cheating?

Turn off the camera.

Let me make something very clear.

The PerkiSystem does not work with

cheaters like Gerald Garner. Okay?

How can I sell

an infomercial about fat kids

who can't keep

their piggy little snouts shut?

Who's gonna buy that?

Step off the scale.

Okay, turn on the camera.

-Josh Burnbalm, step on up.

-All righty.

Get on the scale, son. All right.

Get off the scale.

Turn off the camera. All right.

All right, fine, fine. I blame myself.

You know what? I don't blame myself.

No, not this time, Tony.

Excuse me one second.

(PANTING) "How ya doin', little Tony?"

"Bad." "Why do you feel bad?"

"Because everything's falling apart

and I can't do anything about it."

"It's not your fault."

"I know it's not my fault."

"Whose fault is it if it's not my fault?"

"It's their fault."

"That's right, it's their fault."

It's their fault, it's their fault!

You have failed and you will pay!

Tomorrow morning at 0600, everyone

who has not met their weight-loss goal

will join me on a 20-mile hike.

-What?

-Pack light, boys. The party's over.

20 miles? Tony...

Tony, sir, with all due respect, I don't

think it's healthy to subject...

Healthy? Healthy!

The fat man is gonna tell me

what's healthy!

-Look, I'm just saying that...

-You... You just...

-I think to subject the kids...

-It's funny.

Nobody really cares

what you have to say.

You're a negativity spreader.

You're contaminating my well,

Finley, and I won't have it.

Let's make the best of this afternoon.

TIM: Forget it, Pat.

Hey.

They're having a barbecue

over at Camp MVP tonight.

Carolina ribs. The pork, not the beef.

I wonder what it'd feel like

to be one of those guys.

Just once I wanna score

a winning touchdown.

Do you know, in my entire life

I've never scored a point in anything?

Gerry...

I'm just so tired of being the fat guy.

I know, Pat. But you don't wanna be

one of those guys.

They're jerks.

-Forget 'em!

-Yeah, forget 'em.

Yeah. Forget you!

You can keep your washboard

stomachs and your oily muscles!

I don't want 'em!

I'm still tired of being the fat guy.

Come on, Pat, you're cool.

Everybody knows that.

You know, I feel cool.

Being humiliated by that psycho today

was pretty cool.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've been a lot of help to you guys.

Hey, at least you stood up to him.

Nobody else had the guts to.

We should've backed you up.

Pat, when are we gonna

start stickin' up for ourselves?

Now, Gerry. How 'bout right now?

Yeah. Let's go get everybody

and kick his a*s!

Yeah! Hold it!

Whoa, whoa! Gerry, hold it.

We gotta be smart here.

There are some proper channels

you have to go through.

You gotta get those guys

through the hike tomorrow, right?

I'll do everything I can back here.

You be the leader now, captain!

He is one, we are many!

His days are numbered.

-He's not so tough!

-Yeah!

This is the day when

we separate the men from the boys.

High-tail it back to camp, Lars.

It's gonna be a rough one.

Now I don't wanna see any slackers

or hear any whiners.

There'll be no food.

This is a cleansing hike.

Just Father Sky, Mother Earth

and your dear old Uncle Tony.

(MOSQUITOES BUZZING)

Use the swatting motion.

It's an isometric exercise.

These dogs are killin' me!

-Josh, somebody gonna die today.

-Call 911.

Did you ever hear the story of Icarus

who continually rolled

the ball up the hill?

But when he got too close, the ball

melted in the heat of the sun.

You're all like Icarus.

Thank you, Gerry.

Cody! Get up, Cody, get up!

Leave him. He's a straggler.

Stragglers must be left

to fend for themselves. I was.

Get up. We need to go. Get up.

Did you talk to the people

at child welfare?

Yeah, they said they'd be glad

to come out and investigate,

but they can't come for two weeks.

That's too long.

Tim, what did your lawyer buddy say?

He thinks it's dicey.

We don't have any hard evidence.

Evidence? Tony's the hard evidence.

Just take one look at him.

-It's what the lawyer said.

-So basically we have nothing.

Basically.

Hey, you guys seen Tony?

That moron owes me 600 bucks.

I'm gonna k*ll that guy.

Feel the chi.

Repulse the monkey.

TONY: Part the wild horse's mane.

Hey. I say we push him.

There's no jury in the world

that could convict us.

No. Too messy. We can do better.

Great! Well, you've all done

much better than expected,

so I've got a little surprise for you.

I've decided to extend

the hike indefinitely.

That's right. You won't return to camp

until you're in the leanest, meanest,

bestest shape of your short lives.

With one goal in mind, to defeat

Camp MVP in the Apache Relay.

Quite the ending

to a late-night infomercial.

We don't wanna play MVP.

We wanna have fun.

Cody wants to have fun!

All right, Cody, let's have some fun.

Oh, my...

I'm on the top of the world! Yeah!

How's this for fun, Cody?

Sam, why don't you

come out and join me?

Oh, yeah. I'm on my way.

He's gonna get us k*lled!

We gotta do somethin' about this.

-Yeah, man, but what?

-What's that? I missed it.

I was just saying we need a little rest.

Yeah.

Good idea.

Let's take an hour meditation break.

Then we're gonna climb

that 1,000-foot rock face over there

with our bare hands and feet.

I know you can do it.

Until then, observe the silence of the chi.

(BOYS ARGUING)

(CHANTING)

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

Cripes. Hey, what is all the commotion?

Well, we realize we've been lazy,

and we wanna change.

It's time we all got

our acts together, buddy.

Good! Good!

Amazing what food deprivation

can do to adjust your attitude.

-Can I ask you a question?

-Go ahead, Roy, ask away.

Is it possible to do a sit-up

if you can't see or hear?

Yes, Roy, it is possible.

Well, Gerry says it's impossible.

Well, why don't we rock Gerry's world?

Come on.

Uncle Tony's gonna do a little demo.

There are so many myths

about the abdominal muscles.

-I'm happy to put this one to rest.

-See, Gerry? I told you.

Don't get up till the count of three.

-Yes, yes, I know the rules.

-Okay, good.

All right, everyone, ready?

One, two, three!

-Kiss my butt!

-Oh, my!

Oh, my!

-Pretty impressive stuff, huh, Tony?

-You disgust me!

Come here! Come here!

Get outta my way!

What are we waitin' for? Run!

Halt!

Halt!

My hamstring.

Congratulations.

You just joined the 76% of Americans

who forget to stretch

before physical activity.

Gentlemen, we've reached

the point of no return.

The problem is

Kenny wants a lot of money.

-How much?

-More than they pay counselors.

-Why don't we have a bake sale?

-Gerry, what're you doin' back?

-We've been so worried about you.

-You okay?

-I'm fine, I'm fine.

-JULIE: Good.

We're still working

on a plan to get rid of Tony.

-Wait till you hear what we got.

-That's great, guys.

But we came up with a plan of our own.

-That is so cute!

-Yeah, whatever.

Come with me.

I have got a bad feeling.

Just try to stay open-minded.

-Password, please?

-Yankee doodles.

Good God!

-This is unbelievable!

-So what was your plan?

-What do you think you're doing?

-Taking over the camp.

TIM: Good God!

PAT: This is insane!

-This is great!

-Pat, you know what? He snapped.

He was swinging from a branch. He was

gonna make us climb a mountain.

You can't kidnap him.

They give people the chair for this.

-It was self-defense.

-I believe you.

This is gonna end right now.

Out of my way, Simms.

Yankee doodles.

Tony, I'm so sorry.

Look, I'll untie you right away.

Thank you.

When this is over, I'm gonna deliver

one well-placed kick to your groin

that will stop you from ever having

children, you worthless piece of...

Are these ropes tight enough?

We can get more.

You know,

I was gonna help you out, but now...

I'm gonna have to take you down.

I always wanted to say that to somebody.

Looks like we're gonna

have to play this thing out.

There might be a way out,

but if we're gonna succeed,

we're all gonna have to

stick together, work as a team.

I'll see you all in hell!

With all the bears in these woods, Lars,

I doubt that you'll be seein'

much of anything.

-Bears love honey!

-Honey?

Chipmunks, move out!

Lars, have a nice summer.

I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry.

I hate you. You're awful!

Please help me! I have candy.

Candy.

Good boy. You've come to free me.

-Think we're goin' a little too far?

-There are no bears in these woods.

(SCREAMING)

No bears, huh?

Help me! Don't you have any decency?

Help me!

-It's a little deer.

-Mr. Deer, I'm a vegetarian.

(NEW-AGE MUSIC PLAYING)

GERRY: Wake up, Tony.

Tonight is evaluation night.

The key word here is "value".

Do you have any?

No way, because you're a loser!

A loser with a skinny wiener.

So relax and repeat after me.

I am a loser. I smell. I have no friends.

-Now breathe and relax.

-Please shut that off!

Whoa!

Wow!

Party!

Oh, my gosh! Is that Tim?

He looks like a human s'more.

Look at that food.

I should get down there.

No, Pat, don't go.

Stay here with me.

Shut up.

Hey, Lars, guess what?

We're in charge now.

You know what we found out?

If you don't have a job, you get deported.

So, Lars, buddy, pal,

you with us or are you against us?

I am with you.

I love you.

-I thought they were on diets.

-They're cheatin'.

Good God, can anybody hear me?

(COUGHING)

(GROANING)

(BURPING)

Time to wake up, children.

Good morning!

What lesson did we learn here?

Don't put Twinkies on your pizza.

No. I think what we learned here is

something about personal responsibility.

From now on, each of us is gonna be

in charge of their own diets.

We all have to learn some self-control.

Isn't that right? Tim?

You got it. I'm ashamed of all of you.

Come on!

We gotta get healthy for ourselves.

If we start respectin' ourselves,

no one can touch us.

That's right. You heard me right.

We're as good as anybody.

It's time we started actin' that way.

Take control of ourselves

before we take control of the camp.

So, who's with me?

Who wants to do this thing right?

PAT: It's up to you.

-Okay, everybody ready?

-Yeah!

Let's go!

Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?

-Fruit.

-That's right.

So today we're going to make

our own pasta primavera.

There he is. There he is!

Hey, big guy, look at you. Look at you!

-You look the same.

-Well, I feel good.

Well, that's important too.

-So?

-Come with me.

-I'll take you around.

-He hasn't lost a pound.

Oh, Maury.

Don't be frightened, Nicholas.

I'm a beaten man.

Good afternoon, everyone.

Good afternoon. I'm Pat Finley.

You probably recognize me

from my work in the Camp Hope video.

Well, right now

I'd like to play another video

to show you people just what

it's been like so far this summer.

PAT: Enjoy.

As a health care professional,

I would like to warn you

that Tony Perkis' program

is not only ineffective,

it's also downright dangerous.

(SINGING) Everywhere I go I'm late

Everywhere I go I'm late

My grandma runs faster than you,

and she's only got one leg!

-Say it again. It'll multiply.

-Forty push-ups?

-No, 60! Down now! 80!

-I can't...

-He is strict.

-TONY: 100!

Kiss the ground, joker boy.

-Get your foot off my back, please.

-Shut up.

You see what we've been dealing with.

Why didn't you tell us about this?

(SNORING)

You've been a good guard, Nicholas.

Strong and fair.

Your queen would be proud.

I'd like to reward you

with this chocolate kiss.

Where have you been all my life?

I'm gonna love this!

Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick.

-Nice touch.

-I thought I'd spice it up a little.

Gives you that warm feeling inside.

-Throw it over.

-But it would smush.

That wouldn't be good.

No dinner, no lunch, no breakfast.

How does that grab you?

Take the candy.

Nice, chocolaty, chocolicious.

Butterfingers.

Well, well, well.

Looks like London Bridge

is falling down, huh?

Help!

-How do you like the food here?

-It's great.

Wait till I finish the question.

Say "I love the food."

-I love the food.

-Okay, good, here we go.

-How do you like the food?

-I love the food!

Wait till I finish the question! Forget it!

If he isn't stopped right away,

somebody's child,

maybe yours, will be hurt.

TONY: Oh, yes!

That was wonderful!

Whoo!

So entertaining!

The cinematography,

the editing techniques.

Though I must say,

the villain was a bit over the top.

Ouch.

Everyone having fun?

Parents, you're the cause of all my...

Their problems!

He escaped!

British butterball! I oughta show you

what it means to be an American.

Now you realize what we've been

dealing with.

He has to be stopped!

Stop me?

May I?

I'm too strong!

I'm too motivated!

And you're too weak!

Especially you, Garner, Gerald.

Age 11, 141 pounds.

You want a piece of me, Pops?

'Cause no one's

taking this camp away from me!

I'm afraid you're wrong.

You are through here.

-Are you okay?

-I'm all right.

You see, you have to take a stand.

-JOSH: We did it, Roy.

-Yes, we did.

Sorry you have to deal with this,

Mr. Perkis.

That kid was always a little off.

My parents didn't hug me.

I don't freak out like a little baby.

I'm gonna take a bath on this.

Everybody, don't freak out.

Don't call your lawyers.

We'll get you your money back.

We make nice, everybody's happy.

For now, we close down the camp.

Everybody go home.

Have a nice summer.

I gotta get outta here.

I got a thing. So good luck to all of you.

-Mr. Perkis, sir?

-Papa.

Papa, we don't wanna go home.

We wanna stay here.

You kids wanna stay here, stick it out,

I need to put an adult in charge

on the clause for the insurance.

So if anybody wants to do it...

Who's been here the longest?

-Four years.

-One year.

-Two.

-Four.

-Three.

-Five.

Eighteen years.

Eighteen? Eighteen years.

What the hell have you

been doin' with yourself?

Are you up to it?

-Pat. Pat.

-ALL: (CHANTING) Pat! Pat! Pat!

-I could sure try.

-All right.

Yeah, okay. Congratulations.

Here you go. Do the hokey-pokey.

Knock yourself out. I'm toast.

-All right, Pat!

-Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

I'm proud of you.

GERRY: Dear Grandma.

Things have really

turned around at camp.

We're finally having a great time.

We're in control, and we like it.

We're putting things back

to the way they were.

And no one is gonna mess it up again.

Hey, Chris?

Where's the motor, man?

With Pat in charge,

we are united and we are strong.

Got that wrench, Phillip? Thank you.

-Josh, how we doin'?

-We got a bent axle over here.

We can do anything, even take on

Camp MVP in the Apache Relay.

And we can win, I think.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everybody,

to the 33rd annual

Apache Relay games.

The favorites, Camp MVP, versus

the perennial losers, Camp Hope.

This relay today

will consist of three parts,

the obstacle course,

the hall of intelligence

and the grand prix.

May the best team win.

Cody, just give it your best shot.

Give me those glasses.

On your mark. Get set.

ANNOUNCER: Looks like an MVP

romp again, folks.

Here, take it!

TIM: You got it. Keep goin'.

You got it, man. Yeah. You almost got it.

Ready?

Yeah!

Give me the balloon!

(WHISTLES)

You thought

we were gonna get creamed.

I don't think you're gonna

get creamed ridin' this.

Whoa!

Did a little work on the motor.

Whoa!

I think you better take that feather off.

I don't think it's gonna fit under this.

Camp MVP is setting a course record

as they move

into the hall of intelligence.

-Solve the equation.

-Fifty-five.

-No.

-Seventeen?

-Nein.

-Nine is the answer?

No! Nein is German for no.

-Artist and title, please.

-Cher?

No.

KENNY: Solve the equation.

-Eleven.

-Wunderbar. You may advance.

You must name

five American vice presidents.

Quayle.

-George Washington.

-No.

-Quayle.

-You said that already.

Cher?

Da Vinci's Mona Lisa.

Van Gogh's Houses at Auvers.

Botticelli's La Primavera.

Camp Hope has almost

caught up with Camp MVP.

Can you believe it?

This is gonna be quite some finish.

Right is gas. Left is brake.

-Alexander Haig?

-Sorry.

-Caught you.

-Shut up.

Nicholas, name five

American vice presidents.

Levi P. Morton, John Calhoun,

Hubert Humphrey,

Spiro Agnew, Walter Mondale.

That's perfect. You may advance.

You Americans have no sense of history.

Accelerate into the turns.

Use your weight. Lean into them.

Be careful. This guy drives dirty.

-Thanks, Pat.

-Go get 'em.

Nicholas!

Come on.

I don't wanna put

any pressure on you, big guy,

but we have never lost this race,

all right?

Don't forget your wings, man.

Take 'em down, captain.

Yeah!

Back off!

So long, sucker!

sh**t!

Come on!

Go Gerry!

They're comin', they're comin'.

Come on!

He's still behind.

He can't pass.

-Come on!

-No way.

Come on, captain! Come on, baby!

-I flew, Pat, I flew!

-I know! I know!

Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

Hip-hip-hooray!

Finley, you'll be happy to know

that we're filing a formal protest.

-That cup belongs to us.

-The cup?

This is what you want?

This is what your life is all about, Chris?

I'll tell you what. I'll airmail it

back to camp for you, all right?

Take care of that, Simms.

-You're crazy!

-You bet I'm crazy.

Crazy about my gal.

Hey, Pat, thanks for

the best damn summer of my life.

Same here, captain.

TIM: All right, guys, let's sing

the inspiring Camp Hope song!

(ALL GRUMBLING)

Come on! Here we go!

(SINGING) Camp Hope, Camp Hope,

we sing to thee

The greatest camp in history

A place for boys...

BOY: Tim, that sounds boring.

Sing something cool.

TIM: Wanna hear something cool?

Okay, cats. Let's rock it.

(SINGING) Camp Hope

Camp Hope, Camp Hope,

the place for boys

We got no girls, we got no toys

The bunks are hard, the cabins hot

BOY 1: Last night

a snake crawled in my cot

BOY 2: Make sure

the shower door is shut

BOY 3: Or else

mosquitoes bite your butt

BOY 4: And don't swim past

in your friend's wake

ALL: Or you will waterslide in the lake

TIM: Now you're getting the hang of it.

Come on!

ALL: (SINGING) Camp Hope,

Camp Hope, please give us food

We're starved and in a rotten mood

But still we're hanging with our friends

so we hope summer never ends

TIM: All right! Sounds good.

Here we go!

ALL: (SINGING) Here's a tip

that you should try

If people laugh when you walk by

Just walk right up and proudly state

TIM: Back off, Jack, I'm a heavyweight

ALL: Back off, Jack,

we're all heavyweights

TIM: All right, guys!

Hey, look who's here!

PAT: (SINGING) My name is Pat

JULIE: (SINGING) And I'm Nurse Julie

TIM: (SINGING) You know I'm Tim

KENNY: (SINGING) And I am

Kenny the cameraman

LARS: Stop that stupid song.

You call that music?

(SINGING) I know you think

you're all rock stars

But here's an oompah song from Lars

About my favorite Camp Hope job

The day that I harpooned the Blob

And just to make it very clear

I was not scared of that big deer

And although Tony is not here,

I still enjoy Camp Hope

TIM: Thanks, Lars. That's great.

All right, guys.

Are you ready to take it home?

Let's rock!

ALL: (SINGING) Camp Hope,

Camp Hope, we all had fun

And now our time is almost done

But we'll come back again next year

because our friends will all be here

Here's a tip that you should try

If people laugh when you walk by

Just walk right up

and proudly state

Back off, Jack

I'm a heavyweight!

TIM: Guys, that sounds great!

We got a bunch of heavyweights here?

Are you guys heavyweights?

I said are you guys heavyweights?

-Gerry, are you a heavyweight?

-GERRY: Yeah!

TIM: The rest of you guys,

are you heavyweights?

ALL: Yeah!

TIM: Are we all heavyweights?

Pat, are you a heavyweight?

Nurse Julie, are you a heavyweight?

Lars, are you a heavyweight?

Kenny the cameraman,

are you a heavyweight?

We're all heavyweights!

Lars, are you gonna

come back next year?

LARS: I don't know, Tim.

I live very far away.

TIM: We'll fly you in.

Kenny the cameraman,

can you make it back?

KENNY: I might be able

to work something out.

TIM: What do you say, guys?

Does Camp Hope rule?

Did you hurt yourself on the Blob?

PAT: Yeah. I tore my rotator cuff.

(DOORBELL)

Good afternoon.

I know what you're thinking,

"Another guy hawking healing crystals."

I don't call them crystals.

I call them transformational facilitators.

Perhaps...