02x07 - Tales From the Blackout

[bunniefuu]

- NORA: You know,
these online races

can sometimes be
a little tricky.

But I love creaming these
international dudes one by one.

Sweden? Beat 'em off.

Morocco? Beat 'em off.

I beat off all of 'em.

- What did you
just say just now?

- Well, some of these dudes,
their technique is basically

superior fingering.

They finger pretty hard and
they've developed it over years.

But I finger hard as well.

I come first because my
fingering's the best.

- Keep talking about beating off
international dudes one by one.

The chat is going
crazy right now.

- NORA: Well, it's
the fingering.

The Japanese guys, they're
very good at fingering.

- Let me adjust a
little bit here.

You're a little off center.

- You gotta do the thumb diddle.

Not the thumb w*r diddle,
but rather the Tetris diddle,

if you know what I mean.

Oh! Oh! Wait, oh! Oh, no.

Can everyone see that?
It's on my camel toe.

- WALLY: What the f*ck is
going on in this house?

The WiFi is so slow.

I'm trying to get
some work done.

Holy mother of
hell! What is that?

- We're streaming
to the internet.

- You're streaming your
vag*na to the whole internet?

- Doug, can you turn
off the screen, please?

- I think it's frozen.

- Jesus. What is
with you kids?

Whatever happened
to living your life?

You're on the
computer all the time.

And now you're streaming your
llama foot to total strangers?

- Strangers with tips.
- Strangers with tips?

- I am in a cream fest with
all these international dudes

and I was coming!

- Doug, can you get
that off the TV?

Please, turn the channel.

- [overlapping voices]

- This is your home!

- Get the remotes, Doug!
- What brand is this?

- NORA: [screams]

- WALLY: Oh, thank
freakin' God.

- ♪

♪♪

- NORA: I don't know, it's
kind of spooky, Grandma.

It's like colonial times.

Do you think we'll have
to pee-pee in a basin?

- Nora, the toilet still works.

- What if we run out of food,
and resources, and water?

And we have to resort to
incest? Like in "The Shining"?

- You mean cannibalism.
- Cannibalism, sorry.

- Nora, relax. I
love blackouts.

It's like camping in your home.

Whoa. It makes me miss camping.

- You used to go camping?
- Oh, yeah.

We used to bring the whole
family up to Toronto to buy

ill*gal Chinese goods, like,
uh, the salted pressed ducks.

We put them behind
the kids' back

and they pretend
they're sleeping.

- Grandma, that's not camping.

- [chuckles] I just need
to get a good signal.

- You're not. That TV
is, like, from 1974.

- The subways are all down.

I might have to
hang here for a bit.

- No worries, man.
Make yourself at home.

- Yeah, of course, Papa.
I mean, Wally. I mean, me.

What?
- What?

- I'm just... I'm not real
good at hanging with cool dads,

you know?
- Mm.

Hey, you want a drink?
Ever had port tawny?

- Oh, she loves sports.
Toss the old pigskin around.

- This one here is a nice one.

- Oh, yeah, ports.
I love ports.

- Yeah, but see? We
needed a good blackout.

It's the perfect
chance to unplug,

spend some time together,
stay off the computer.

We can tell some stories.

Like, I bet you were wondering
about this picture, right?

- I don't think he was
wondering about that.

- Uh, sure. Is that you?

- WALLY: Yeah, that's me.
[laughs]

Growing up here in
Queens. Look at my face.

Actually, you know, it was
super r*cist back in the day.

- Oh, here we go.

- I'm out.

- What? Grandma.

- What you guys don't know...
It was different back then.

We were the only Chinese
family on the block.

- You'll never catch me!

- ADULT WALLY: But I made
friends with the boy next door.

- Stop! Put your
hands up! Pew, pew!

- ADULT WALLY: He
was my best friend.

- Ow, you got me!

- ADULT WALLY: Until...
- Jimmy, get over here.

- I was just playing with Wally.

- You know better than to play
with these Japanese traitors.

- I'm not Japanese.

- Oh, get out of
here. Now, go on!

- Wait, hey, what's going on?

- Wally, come back!
- I don't know.

- JIMMY'S MOM: He's
just joshin' ya!

You kids keep playing your game.

- JIMMY'S DAD: Glenda,
I'm not kiddin' around.

I'm not kiddin' around, Glenda!

- JIMMY'S MOM: Do
you hear yourself?

Everybody hears you.
You're embarrassing.

- Damn, Mr. Lin.

That's like the first
half of "Gran Torino."

- That kind of sh*t
happened all the time.

The kids in the neighborhood

used to play pick-up
games in the park.

- KIDS: Me, me, me!

- ADULT WALLY: But
I never got picked.

- Robert.

- Michael S.
- Michael P.

- Michael R.
- Mikey D.

- ADULT WALLY: It
was brutal, waiting.

I felt like everybody
got picked except me.

- Hey, I'm over here!

- ADULT WALLY: A kid
with a broken arm.

This total nerd.

- Seriously? That
dorkus over me?

- ADULT WALLY: One kid
just wearing a suit.

- You.

- ADULT WALLY:
And this old man

that just happened
to be sitting there.

- Is that guy even
allowed to be around kids?

- ADULT WALLY: Finally,
I was the last one.

And it was one spot left.
They had to pick me, right?

- Cactus!

- What the hell? That's
a g*dd*mn cactus!

- I was devastated.

I had to just stand there behind
the fence and watch 'em play,

having so much fun.

Even worse, that f*cking
cactus made a big catch.

- KIDS: Cactus! Cactus! Cactus!

- [cries]

- Are you crying?

- No. I'm just
allergic to the sun.

[cries]

- ADULT WALLY: Anyway,
the game went on.

The kid in the suit, he had
to go to his uncle's funeral.

So the captain turns
to me and he says...

- Wally! You're up!

- Me? Yes!

- ADULT WALLY: It was
my first at-bat ever.

I was so excited.

- I got this.

- ADULT WALLY: And do
you know what I did?

- It's a home run!

- ALL: [cheering]

Wally! Wally! Wally!

- Uh, no. That's
not what happened.

- Yeah, it is.
- Tell the truth, Wally!

- Shut up, Wally.
- No, you shut up!

- No, you shut up!

- NORA: What the
hell's going on?

- ADULT WALLY: All right.

The true story is I stepped
up to the plate and...

- [drumroll]

- [cymbals crash]

- ADULT WALLY: I was,
like, out cold for, like,



- You know what?
f*ck them kids.

And f*ck the cactus too.

- Probably be pretty
painful to f*ck the cactus.

Appreciate the sentiment.

- He didn't mean
it like that, Dad.

He meant, you know,
like, screw them.

- I've gone through
something similar.

I guess not much
has changed since.

- Mm.

- I've been the
subject of bullying.

There was this one instance...

- Yeah?
- NORA: It was very bizarre.

I haven't told anyone
this story, actually.

- ♪

♪ Hey

- Hey. Are you Korean?

- Um, yeah, on my Mom's side.

- Come with me.
- Okay.

- DOUG: Wait, your voice
was that low back then?

- ADULT NORA: I was born
with a giant larynx.

- Hey, guys. Nora, right?

- Uh-huh.

- Well, this is what we
do to fellow Koreans.

- Wait, you're Korean too?

- [laughter]

- Why are you doing this?

You're wasting food.

- Come on!

- Dude, what?

That's just Freshman Friday.

- What?

- Yeah, that's something
Korean kids do at city schools.

It's like hazing,
a rite of passage.

- I just thought it was
Asian-on-Asian bullying.

- No. I'll show you
Asian-on-Asian bullying.

Where's your Lazy Susan?

I know every Chinese
household has one.

- All right.
- Oh, snot rockets.

You guys get trajectory on
those things, like SpaceX.

It's out of here.

I mean, I'm digging
the port tawny,

but I know y'all
got the Remy Martin.

Every Chinese function
has Remy Martin.

- Not every function.

- Oh, and Chinese
people love bootlegging.

Is that a Sony or a Tony?
- Okay.

- GRANDMA: Korean
people love alcohol

and the United
Colors of Benetton!

- WALLY: Ma!
- Grandma, I am half Korean.

- We're reclaiming her.

- And double eyelid surgery!

- Almost. Come on.

- Hey, Princess,
you want a drink?

You're old enough.

- I can't drink. I get red.

I get mean-spirited. I
throw up in my mouth.

Got kicked out of Walgreens.

- Oh, that's why.

- But I will light one up, if
you'll let me do it inside.

- I'm not lookin',
I don't see nothin'.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

No, no, no. You know I
never touch that stuff.

- But why?
- Why?

Because something really
bad happened to me

the last time I smoked
weed, that's why.

- What happened?
- Just something really bad.

- ♪

- You k*lled somebody for real?

- No, but I did die
a little that day.

- Dad, what happened?

- I never told anybody
about this before.

I was in college.

My roommate, Mark, he was, like,
the coolest dude I'd ever met.

- DOUG: That dude? Seriously?

- WALLY: Yeah, obviously.

Anyway, we're
going to a concert,

and he offered me
some Mary Jane.

- Hey, hey, hey, my man!
- What's up, Mark?

- You wanna smoke
a doobie before

the Doobie Brothers
cover concert?

- No, I don't think so.

- MARK: It's straight
from Nicaragua!

- What does that
mean? It's good?

- It's how you get your
chill vibes, cool cat.

- Yeah?

- ♪

- ADULT WALLY: And I did it.

- [coughs]

- MARK: [laughs]

- ADULT WALLY: It
was a huge mistake.

And I paid for it that
day at the concert, man.

- [applause]

- ADULT WALLY:
I paid big time.

- Ah, why are you standing up?
- I don't know.

- I got so high, I couldn't help

but stand up for every
song that they played.

- [applause]

- Hey, sit down, man.
What are you doing?

- I can't help it.

- ♪ Ah

- [applause]

- Yeah!

- Wally!

Oh, come on, dude, sit down!

- Oh, Mark, I told
ya I can't help it!

- It was one of the most
embarrassing moments of my life.

- [applause]

- sh*t!

Woo!

You guys are the coolest cats!

- ♪

- Yeah!

- ♪

- NORA: Uh, that's it?

You just stood up a
bunch? At a concert?

- And I haven't touched
that stuff since.

- All right, I got a story.

Have I ever told y'all
the one about my boy Thad?

- No.

- DOUG: So Thad was
out one night...

- NORA: This is the same
dorm room as my dad's.

- DOUG: No, this is a new spot.
- NORA: It's not.

- DOUG: All dorm rooms kind
of look the same anyways.

Is that better?

- NORA: I know this
is my dad's dorm.

- Cool. Can I be
in the story too?

- DOUG: No, get out of here.
- NORA: No, come on, Dad.

Let him do it.

- DOUG: Anyways, Thad brings
this girl home and man,

is she a 10 out of 10.

Dime piece, Michelin rated,


- Okay, we get it.

- DOUG: So she's like...

- Do you mind if I
eat this burrito?

- And Thad was like...
- Smells great.

Is that achiote chicken?

- It's actually barbacoa with
extra jap-a-leño peppers.

Do you like a**l?

- Uhhhh...

- [stomach rumbles, farts]
- Where's your bathroom?

- NORA: Doug, what
kind of story is this?

It's not even about you.
- Well, long story short,

he got a jalapeño seed
in his pee pee hole.

- NORA AND WALLY: Ow!

- I can't get a signal
on my black box.

I'm gonna try upstairs.

- Anyway, thank you, Doug, for
that fully disgusting story

that no one asked for.

- What? You got one
better than spicy d*ck?

- A thumb could tell a
better story than spicy d*ck!

- At least I was in my stories.

- Got a couple of
R.L. Stine's here.

- I got a weird one.

- Oh yeah? Wait. How weird?

- Weird.

In high school, I became friends

with these two kind
of bitchy girls.

- That was so good!

- That was so mean. He cried.

- Yeah, but that's so funny.

- ADULT NORA: We prank called
takeouts and 911, mortuaries.

- I dare you to prank

a phone sex hotline.

- A phone sex hotline?
- Yeah.

- I thought that was
for people 18 or older.

Doesn't that cost money?

- No, not at all.

- No?
- No.

- Okay, yeah. Oh
yeah, I'll do it.

- [dials]
- Yeah.

- [phone rings]
- WILMA: Well, hello.

Welcome to Warm
the Bed with Wilma.

- Hi, is your
refrigerator running?

- WILMA: Oh, say
that again, stud.

- [giggling]

- Is your refrigerator running?

- WILMA: Are you
prank-calling me right now?

- No.

- WILMA: Take me off
speaker for a sec.

- [giggles]

- WILMA: Now, look, kid.

You're not my
first prank caller.

But, I don't know, I can hear
from your voice your friends

kind of forced you to do
this, and that's okay.

I'll take care of it. Just
put me back on speaker.

You asked if my
refrigerator is running?

- Yeah.
- WILMA: It is.

- ALL: Well, you
better go and catch it!

- [laughs]

- WILMA: Do you
think this is funny,

you little pieces of sh*t?

- She said sh*t!
- You're a piece of sh*t.

- [laughter]

- That's so good, Nora.

- ADULT NORA: No one ever
had my back like that.

- Wait, how much
a minute was this?

- Not a lot. Like,
$30 a minute.

- What?

- We'd only talk in


- Jesus Christ!

I mean... that explains the
phone bill that I have not yet

financially recovered from.

- Dad, is this story
night or guilt night?

Anyway, I called her back.

- You got her home
number, right?

- No, just still on hotline.

- Holy sh*t, do I look
like Con Edison to you?

- NORA: I let you finish.

I even let Doug kind
of finish the Thad one!

- Sorry.

- We ended up
getting pretty close.

Is it normal for my period
to last 11 or more days?

And, do you think you
could lose your virginity

to a super plus tampon?
Because they're humongous.

- WILMA: Nora, don't stress.
Just make sure you eat well

and keep hydrated
during your period.

And no, a tampon shouldn't.

But here's a fun
tip: when peeing,

go ahead and pull that
string towards your butthole.

Not too hard so it slips out.

- Oh man, that's genius. I
hadn't even thought of that.

Puberty sucks, Wilma.

Like, my friends make fun of
me 'cuz I don't shave my legs.

My gym teacher had mentioned that
if... if... when you do start

shaving your legs super young,
they grow back real coarse like

Tom Selleck's butthole
hair, you know?

- WILMA: You don't need to
shave if you don't wanna shave!

I know a lot of guys who
like natural beauties anyway.

- Do you not shave?

- WILMA: Oh, no, my vag*na's
balder than an eagle.

Looks like Stone Cold
Steve Austin's foreskin.

- Oh, cool. I love him.

Um, happy holidays.

- WILMA: Happy
holidays to you, honey.

- I love you, Wilma.
- WILMA: I love you too, Nora.

Don't forget to yank
that tampon out.

It's been, like, six hours.

- Oh yeah. No, I won't.

- WILMA: Bye, baby.
- Bye.

- So you talked to a total
stranger about your period?

- Sounds like you were having an
affair with a phone sex operator

while you were in high school.

You a G, Nora. That's
some good sh*t.

- No, it wasn't
sexual, like, at all.

- Yeah, right.

It wasn't sexual talking
to a phone sex operator?

Every day?
- Every day.

- It wasn't sexual, Doug.

- Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

- I just wanted a mom!

- GRANDMA: Hey! I
finally got a signal!

It's snowy, but I got the
Spice Channel! Ha, ha!

- Okay, it's time for me to go.

- ♪

- You don't talk
about her a lot.

But I know you miss her.

- I've come to
terms with it, Dad.

- Do you remember her?
- In fragments.

Do you?

- Do I remember her?

Every day.

I'll never forget the
first time I saw her.

I was walking home one night.

I don't even remember
exactly where I was.

Just that... all of a sudden,

it seemed like time stood still.

Frozen.

She stopped time.

You know, I have these
dreams where she comes back.

And my first reaction is,
I'm kind of mad at her.

I'm angry at her for leaving.

In my dreams, I start
arguing with her.

I ask her, "Why did you
leave us like that?"

I know we don't talk
about her a lot.

And...

- I miss her every day.

- Me too, Princess.

- Do you think she'd be proud...

of how I am now?

- Did I ever tell you the story

about how your mom
went to a psychic?

She just found out that
she was sick and...

she was pregnant with you.

We didn't know the sex of the
baby or anything like that yet.

But your mom goes
to this psychic.

And the psychic says, "You're
gonna have a daughter."

Like, she knew you was
gonna be a daughter.

Spooky stuff.

- Could've been a couple things.

- And she says...

"Your daughter's gonna be
somebody special someday."

- You think this
psychic will be right?

- Come on, she already is.

- I'm really glad
you found Brenda.

- Yeah?

- ♪

- WALLY: Okay, it's the
return of the llama foot.

I'm just gonna sit here and
polish off this bottle, I guess.

You should go up to bed, huh?

- I'll hang out
for a little bit.

Stay with you.

- Okay.

- It's not that bad.
- It's pretty bad.

- I really like the
story on this one.

How do you think he's gonna
make her pay for that pizza?

- Well, I got an idea.
- He's really good at that.

- Yeah, they don't make
porn like this nowadays.

Everything's all so
scary and aggressive.

- Back then,
everyone was natural.

You see a boob flopping around
or a big-ole Furby down there.

- Those t*tties are flying
around like nunchucks.

She's really got a ZZ
Top situation down there.

Oh, an ad for The
Erogenous Zone.

Adult shopping for grown-ups.

- I got a pressure
cooker from them once.

- What?

- Yeah, they sold
normal stuff too.

I have one in the kitchen.

It makes moaning
sounds when it's done.

- NORA: You guys know the
lights are back on, right?

- [woman moaning on TV]

- Are you watching
a porno together!

- Ah, yeah!
- No.

- Y'all are gross.

- [bad porn music, moaning]

- ♪

- But so am I!

Oh, I wish we had
some beef bourguignon!

- You can eat while
watching porn.

- Is there any other
way to watch porn?

- [woman moaning]

- Gwak! Ow!

You know what a balloon
knot looks like?

- Yeah.
- Her butthole.

- Oh, yeah.

- ♪

♪♪

- MAN: Who the
[bleep] is Awkwafina?

- ♪

- MAN: ♪ MTV