02x03 - Who the F Is Alice?

[bunniefuu]

Hmm.
♪ When I think about what you've
become... ♪

Becoming Grandma's carer meant

running around after
her like a disgruntled butler.

And the main side
effect of radiotherapy

seems to be treating
your butler like a c**t.

Here you go.

It's burnt.

But you can't tell a sick person
to f*ck off, can you?

No problem, Madame.

I'll make you another one.

Hmm.

♪ When the radio plays... ♪

After weeks of radiotherapy,

medications, X-rays,
scans, waiting rooms,

waiting rooms, more waiting rooms,

reassuring smiles,
disappointing crumpets

and daytime telly,

the cancer went from this...

..to this.

So we celebrated.

She's still refusing chemo,
but I'll win her round.

Doctors call Grandma
a medical marvel,

which, of course,
she's not stopped bragging about.

The biggest one they'd
ever seen, Sharon.

Now...

..half the size.

And do you know who did that?

The oncologist?

Me! I did it with my
fungal toe last year.

I sat down with it and I said,

"You and I are going to have words.

"Oh, yes, you're
very big, aren't you,

"yeah, yeah, you're very impressive.

"Yeah, well you can f*ck off!"

Now?

This big.

So I didn't have to spend a eight
gruelling weeks looking after you

cos you could've just told it
to f*ck off, of course?

I was very stoical, Sharon.

Oh, yeah.

And now my stint as a bag-carrying
butler's come to an end,

I've got a bit more spare time.

Lovely to meet you.

Can I take your number?

Let's not ruin a good thing, Leo.

Bye, darling.

And it's not just Tinder
I've being scrolling,

it's the job pages, too.

Bolton's viral sensation,

Angry Ian, is back in town
and hosting classes.

Ian will make you a comedy star.

Fabulous.

No!

No, no, no, no!

How you hold a mic says
a lot about you as a comic.

Too floppy, Eileen.

Brian, are you talking
through your nipple?

What's it doing down there?

Denise, have you eaten
your microphone?

WHISPERS: I don't know.

Have another.

Aloha!

You're back, Ian!

Bloody hell fire!

Listen, I want to join your class.

I've been thinking,
"Why wait around for casting calls?"

I want to try stand-up.

I mean you're an inspiration, Ian.

If you can go viral, anybody can.

Rude.

Well, welcome back.

Come in, sit down.
Thank you. Oh, eh.

Here, grab a carrot.

Fabulous. Thank you. Just in time.

Cos today we're going to be
talking about your USPs.

What's a USP, class?

Is it a hard drive?

No, it's not a hard drive, Lesley.

USP, unique selling point.

Yeah?

The question you need
to ask yourself is this.

What makes you stand
out from the rest?

Lesley, your low self-esteem makes
you a terrible judge of character.

You should write about being
catfished four times in six weeks.

And maybe, if you're bold enough,

you should write about
you catfishing Kevin.

Denise, you write about your strange
relationship with the carrot.

Yeah?

I mean, me, married and
divorced in one lockdown.

Cruel wife, even crueller mother.

Finally embraced my
rage on t'internet,

and bam!

There it is,

my unique selling point.

Is that unique?

I thought a lot of men were
doing that on the internet?

No, look.

I'll leave you with
this question, class.

Who are you?

I don't know who I am, Ian.

♪ Look at him with
his dog-dirt eyes

♪ Look at him
with his dog-dirt eyes!

♪ Look at her
with her rabbit's fur teeth

♪ Look at him with his
dressing gown nose... ♪

I've come for me cheeky Vimto.

♪ Look at him, look
at him, look at... ♪

Why am I looking at a
line of bare arses?

We're re-auditioning
for Chaps Tuesday.

Two of the lads have quit.

Doris has been banned.

She's a f*cking menace.

Oh, right.

Let's have a look.

Well, I mean,

number four's clearly
the star of this show.

Mm.

Number three's quite flat.

Number three, you can go.

Sorry.

What's my USP?

Eh?

Ian says we need something
sellable and unique about us.

What would mine be?

Mannerisms of a truck driver.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Innate sex appeal of Debbie Harry.

Thanks, babe. You're welcome.

Hello. What is mine?

I don't know, babe.

Right, OK. Now...

..I'm leaning towards four.

I like an arse you
can take a nap on.

Mm.

It's number one all day for me.

Guess who's dead.

What? No.

Alice.

Oh, no!

Who the f*ck is Alice?

My mother.

Ta, girls!

Great Granny Alice used to
babysit me every Friday night,

when Grandma would
f*ck off to Mondo's.

She wasn't much of a hugger.

She wasn't much of a talker either.

So, at Christmas-time, nobody
would know how pissed she was

until she fell off her chair.

Alice Nuttall was born here

in 1934.

As part of slum clearance,

she moved here and never left.

She spent her life
surrounded by babies and bedbugs,

and was absolutely fuming about it.

She went through one world w*r,

one marriage, four births,

five miscarriages,

43 physical fights with her children

and 50,000 slices of Warburtons
extra toastie loaf with jam on.

I think she might have
been a bit of a b*tch.

But I adored her.

The problem with a parent dying is
you have to see all the arseholes

you've spent
a lifetime trying to avoid.

Grandma's one of four kids

and none of them came out unscathed,

from the wrath of Alice and poverty.

SHOUTING AND HEAVY METAL MUSIC

Well, I'm actually looking
forward to seeing everyone.

It's been quite isolating
being your butler.

And Mum's no use nor ornament.

I don't do sick people.

We didn't see you for weeks.

Oh, sorry, we haven't got
time for a pity party, Alma.

Right, gifts!

Oh, no more gifts, Lin, please!

No-one enjoys this compulsion

for forcing strange
gifts on people, you know.

Oh, I am so comfy.

Scabby Joe's is comfy, Jim.

I've made it dead homely,
candles everywhere.

Oh, great. More fire.

Very relaxing.

Oh, I do like that.

I thought you would.

Oh, yeah.

That's nice.

It's got someone's stuff in it.

Oh.

Who's Debra Wilson?

Oh, for God's sake, Lin,
it's all stolen again, isn't it?

Just cos it's second-hand doesn't
mean it's not gifted with love.

Second-hand is not
the same as stolen, Lin!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, God, it's Evie!

f*ck.

I'm going to need a pipe in the
garden before I see that crow again.

Whatever you do, don't
mention my cancer to Evie.

She'll be so smug
I got it before her.

Will she, though?

Yeah.

She will be.

This is Grandma's youngest sister,

evil Auntie Evie.

She's had five face lifts,

been done for fraud,
arson and robbery,

and she's the only person I know

who's successfully managed
to sue the NHS three times.

When she found out
Granny Alice had dementia,

she'd steal her belongings
and sell them back to her.

I like that!

I knew you would.

20 quid?

You look rough.

How many men have you
embezzled to get that face?

Who's this?

Oh!

Just a new friend.

I'm looking after him for a bit.

Oh, hiya, Alma, love.

Hiya, Evie.

Oi!

Some pocket money from
your favourite Auntie.

Oh, thanks. You're...

..eczema's cleared up, hasn't it?

Well, about ten years ago.

How old are you now?

40?

I can't tell if she's
being a d*ck or not.

No-one can.

She's not moved her face
since the late '80s.

COUGHING

Do you want to come in?

Thank you.

Oh, it's pokier than I remember.

But, mind you, my
farmhouse is so big.

"Farmhouse"? Since when?

It's been ready for two months now.

Is it Don's farmhouse
you're staying at?

Yeah. It is.

Well, ding dong,
the witch is dead, eh? Yeah.

Don't be mean, you two.

I loved Granny Alice.

Sentimentality is a
mental illness, Alma.

Mmm.

DOOR CLOSES

Here she is.

GROANING

Oh, God.

Oh, Joany!

Grandma's Sister, Auntie Ange.

Heart of gold but a lot going on.

We first realised she was struggling

when she started knitting
clothes for the hamster.

She's stopped that now,

but she still talks at double speed

and finishes most
sentences in tears.

I'm not going to let it happen
again to another hamster, I promise.

Oh!

It's just awful, 'in't it? Yeah.

Oh, Alma! Hello. Hi.

It's so sad, 'in't it?

Oh, is this...? Is this your coat,
Alma? It's lovely that, 'in't it?

Do you like it?
Er, yeah, I like my coat, Ange.

Oh, put it on for me.

Eh? Yeah, go on, let's have a look.

Oh, right, OK.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I can see
you like your coat, Alma.

Yeah, give us a twirl.

Yeah.

Yeah, you look cosy, warm
and dead stylish in it.

Having a coat, it's
so important, 'in't it?

I got me mum a lovely new coat
just before she...

Oh!

f*ck me, Ange!

Straight in with the
performance of the year!

Don't you start on me!

I will not have you stepping
on my grief. I loved my mum.

Oh, no, how could we forget?

Everything had become about you -
YOUR mum, YOUR grief.

Ooh, what's all that?

Get your mucky paws out of there.

Oh, it's our Lin.

Hiya, love. Oh, you poor love.

You've had a terrible time of it,
haven't you? You poor lamb.

You've really suffered, haven't you?
SHE'S suffered?!

It's not been easy, Ange.

You know what a dragon my mum is.

She drives you to drugs,
to be honest.

All right, c*ck?

Uncle Dickie,

life and soul of the
party, and my favourite.

Funnier than Peter Kay
and smarter than Fred Dibnah.

Never spoke about his
feelings until he turned 50

and started quietly
crying by the back door.

She never loved me, my mother.

Hey, uncle Dickie!

Hey! Eh, watch me hands,
watch me f*gs!

Oh, hiya, d*ck.

Bloody hell, Joany!

You look more and more like
Dad every time I see you.

Look at her.

It's Dad wi' t*ts!

THEY LAUGH

Yes, she's always
had very mannish features.

Yeah, so did you, once.

You do look good, Evie.
Course she does.

She's had four thread lifts.

She's got the face of
a drawstring purse!

DOORBELL RINGS AND LAUGHTER

Right, that's going to
be the funeral director.

Right, and before we start,

no monologues from you today, Ange!

Right?

She loved green and gold.

Whenever I went to the charity shop,

I'd always be searching
for anything green and gold.

And whatever it were,

if it were green and gold,

I'd get it for her.

Cos I knew...she'd just love it.

It were her colours, you see,

green and gold.

Oh, I'm going for a f*g.

I can't just sit here,

listening to you waffling on, Ange.

Well, the coffins don't come in that
particular colour combination,

but, erm, we could have
something custom made.

Brilliant. That sounds expensive.

What's your cheapest coffin?

Oh, that would be this one.

"Earth's Embrace."

Very reasonable and biodegradable.

I don't want mum in a shoe box!

Could bob a few
patterns on it, Ange.

I'm a dab hand with a lathe.

Can we not just pop her in a
plastic bag and be done with it?

Oh! Let's just pay for it.

Where's Mum's card?

Thank you.

There we are. If you'd just
like to put your pin in, please.

It's 2-0-5-9.

So, will there be a church service?

Nope.

Evie can't go into a church,
she'll set on fire.

Oh, I'm afraid that's been declined.

Do you have another card maybe?

What have you done?

I might have skimmed a little bit
off the top to pay for my new nose.

It's what mum would've wanted.

She always said I had
a deeply unfortunate nose.

You'll go to hell, you will, Evie!

I'll see you at the bar, Joany!

You're a b*tch, you, Evie!

Oh, woof, woof, woof!

Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!

Oh, shut up, the pair of you!

Don't you tell me what to do, b*tch!

Don't you tell me what to do, b*tch!

Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof!

Woof, woof, woof! Woof!

THEY ALL BARK

Can everyone just stop
barking at each other?

I can see this is a
difficult time. Yeah.

I'll give you a ring.

Are you all right, Mum?

Joany?

Oh. Here she goes with
the performing antics again.

f*ck off, Evie, she's got cancer!

Lin! What? What?

What? "Cancer"?!

I thought you looked rough.

Get that smug grin off
your shovel of a face.

Oh, Joany.

You were so full of hope
and possibility as a child.

You had your whole life ahead of you

and then it just went...

FARTING NOISE

And now it's over.

Who put 50p in t'knobhead?

She's not dead, Ange.

Not yet, anyway.

Oh, you'll be dead before
me if you keep carrying on.

What can we do for t'help?

Well, she won't do the chemo.

Oh, Alma!

I'm sorry.
Why the bloody hell not?

Classic Joan.
Stubborn to the bitter end.

Oh, just shut up, all of you,
just stop it!

Just stop it, all of you.

In fact, I want you out.

I want you out right now!

I want you all out now!

And that is my bag!

Well, technically,
it's Debra Wilson's.

Out!

Shoo! Shoo! All of you, out!

No! Hey! You're not kicking us
out again. It's not Christmas.

We need for t'talk
about this as a family

Not you, Don.

Fine, if you don't go I will!

Hey, it's your house! Yeah.

DOOR SLAMS

Well, that's the first time she's
kicked herself out of the house.

THEY GIGGLE

I've got an idea.

I know where we can get a coffin.

Mum, we're going to need
your cat burglary skills.

MUSIC: Together The Better
Altitude Music And Bea Parks

Oh, God, not the alien
abduction chat again.

As I've said before,

why the would they come to
Bolton and abduct you lot?

Rhesus D negative blood group!

Very rare, us lot.

Told ya.

I was just walking home
when I had mine.

Saw t'flyin' saucer.

Next minute, I were being beamed up.

ALMA SCOFFS

What time were this?

It was after 11, clubs had shut.

I was on the way home from
the dentist when I had mine.

I'd just had a root canal.

They've never bothered with me.

I've been trying to
make contact for years.

It's because you're too dull, Ange!

They'd be bored in
half an hour with you.

Oh, they're here.

Why have they took the sign?

I said, "Just the coffin."

Hello, Mum.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, fantastic.

CHEERING

To Mum's cat burglary skills!

And to Alice!

ALL: Cheers!

♪ Enjoy yourself

♪ It's later than you think

♪ Enjoy yourself

♪ While you're still in the pink

♪ The years go by

♪ As quickly as you wink

♪ Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

♪ It's later than you think. ♪

Turns out he wasn't a Prince.

I'm still paying off the loans

and I still live in Bury.

That's more of a sad statement,
than a joke, though, Lesley.

Mm? Right.

Alma, you're up next. Oh.

Woo!

I like to start
with a tit shake.

I just feel it relaxes people.

Yes, go on, Lesley.

Right...

So, I'm from Bolton -

the place where people
eat kebabs for breakfast.

No? OK.

Um...

You don't have to get dressed
when you go out in Bolton.

My local chippy's like the nightwear
section of a Matalan catalogue.

Um, er...

People think that
Northerners are friendly.

We're not, are we?

We're just f*cking nosey.

Right, apart from being
slightly offensive,

it's all a bit dull, Alma. Right.

Is that really what's
unique about you?

Being a big-titted,
ginger northerner?

There's nothing wrong with being
a big-titted ginger northerner.

Small-breasted women can
actually be very cruel.

That checks.

My ex-wife, tiny t*ts.

We seem to be getting a bit
off track. Can we just...?

Yeah, sorry.

I need to know more about you.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm?

Like my new stand-up show...

My new stand-up show,

Washing Up Alone Again,

is very raw,

very personal.

And that honesty is where
you'll find the humour, too.

Well...

..not in Lesley's case, obviously.

Grandma!

Where are you?

The taxi's waiting!

Hello?

You can't just let
yourself in unexpectedly.

I could have been
having an orgy in here.

In that?

Could do.
On the day of your mother's funeral?

SIGHS

What do you want?

I've come to pick you up, haven't I?
Why are you not dressed?

I'm not going.

It's your mum's funeral, Grandma!

Oh, God.

I'm swamped.

Why are you doing this?

Cos I don't want to go.

Well, what about everybody else?

Uncle Dickie, Mum, Ange, me.

We all want you to go.

I don't know why you're bothering.

Because it's nice to bother.

It's nice to see people.

It's nice to feel part of a family.

Listen, I know you've
got your issues with everyone but

they're not the enemy that
you make them out to be.

Ange is actually
quite sweet and kind.

Uncle Dickie's hilarious
and adores you.

Yeah, Evie's a b*tch,
but if you watch your handbag,

she's actually quite
fun to get pissed with.

Everybody cares.

Everyone wants you to do the chemo.

Oh, don't start with that!

Fine.

Well, I'm going to go.

You only get one chance
to say goodbye to your mum.

Don't miss it.

SHE SIGHS, DOOR CLOSES

CHURCH BELLS RING

Where's Mum? She's not coming.

Oh, quelle surprise!

Mum, you can't wear a cape to your
grandma's funeral. Take it off.

And, Jim, why are you
dressed as a skeleton?

Well, didn't have owt black.

We got 'em from Ghouls R Us.

Great!

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

CLEARS THROAT

Anna Nuttall.

Alice.

Sorry.

Alice Nuttall...

..was a kind mother.

Locking me in t'coal shed,
what's kind about that?

Alice Nuttall was a mother.

Barely.

Alice Nuttall was a human being.

Hmm, we're not sure
about that either.

Hiya, Joany.

Budge up, Jim.

Come on, Mum.

I'm guessing she was
a complex woman...

..from the heckles.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I've, um, written a poem
I'd like to read, actually.

No, Ange, nobody wants to hear it.

Yeah, not right now, Ange. Sorry.

And let us remember
her undeniable spirit

Will live on in our hearts.

Thank you.

Mum, what the f*ck?

Yeah, he learnt to play
when he was inside,

but he can only do it when he's
one of his other personalities.

This is Tim.

♪ Ave

♪ Maria... ♪

Goodbye, Mother.

Bye, b*tch.

Pipe down, you.

Bye, Mother.

You cold, ruthless hag.

Just wish I could see her
one last time.

THUD

SCREAMING

Well, that's a terrifying
moment we'll never forget.

I need a shot of whisky.

Me, too.

Through the eye. Yeah.

It's just strange to think...

..that woman...

..that mother of mine...

..mighty mean woman...

..could fit into such a small box.

That whole person.

Her whole life.

Her whole terrible
impact on all of us.

I know.

I'm going to do the chemo, Alma.

I'm not ready to be in a tiny box.

No.

Great.

Yep.

Yep.

Come on, let's go and have a whisky.

Well, yeah, or a virgin...whisky,
considering what we've just... No.

Don't be daft. Come on. OK.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I don't know.

Locking us in the coal shed
was your way of showing love.

Who's on t'whiskies?

And we're better people for it,
so keep watching us...

Ange, you're making me
want to die sooner! Please!

We've buried our mother today

and this poem is the
worst thing that's happened.

I won't let them slag you off, Mum.

Thank you for being a mother
to Evie, Joan, Dickie and me.

CHEERING

More! More!

She did.

Hey, Joany, Joany.

I'm just telling... What's
your name again sorry? Jim.

Jim. I'm just telling Jim about, er
our Kev's wedding, when me Mam came.

Oh, bloody hell!

We were all ten sheets to
t'wind by this point, yeah.

Mum's in t'wheelchair, weren't she,
wi t'blanket on her legs?

And, er, we'd done about
ten conga's round her.

And she'd become t'drunken
mascot for t'night.

Yeah. Yeah, reluctantly!
Oh, of course, yeah.

And that bloody song
comes on, didn't it?

Eh? So I pushed her into t'middle
of dance floor,

I'm spinning her round,

there's this massive circle
of pissheads all round her,

chanting t'chorus, you remember?

"Alice, Alice..."

ALL: "Who the f*ck is Alice?!"

LAUGHTER

And then she turns round
she looks up at me and she goes...

"I don't know."

You remember?

Daft bugger's face
were a bloody picture!

Bloody picture.

She got dementia
just after that, didn't she?

Yeah.

Yeah, she did, yeah.

Very sad.

I tell you what, Leanne, these
are phenomenal. You've nailed it.

You heard them lot.

But the thing is with you, Ange,

is that you're too
boring to be loved.

It's true though, isn't it?

I mean, look at Evie.

She's a horrible person,

with a wretched soul,

but she's been
married three times. Why?

Skills, Joany.

Oh!

That is one of the most
disgusting things I've ever seen.

No, no, because she knows
that a story has a beginning,

a middle and an end, right?

Which is something that's been
lost on you since birth, Ange.

Watch out, Ange,
Joany's on t'two-bottle turn.

I'm right.

Well, I might not be a storyteller

but at least I weren't cursed
with dad's chin like you lot.

Go on, Ange!

Do you know, I've worked
out what my USP is.

It's this mad lot, 'in't it?

I come from a long
line of eccentric Boltonians.

I mean, look at 'em.

MUSIC STARTS, THEY CHEER

Come on, b*tch!

♪ But I just don't want to know...

ALL: ♪ That for 24 years I've been
living next door to Alice... ♪

Alice?

Who the f*ck is Alice?

♪ 24 years just waiting
for a chance... ♪

Come here, big boy!

♪ To tell her how I feel
And maybe get a second chance

♪ Now I've got to get used to not
living next door to Alice... ♪

Alice? Who the f*ck is Alice?

♪ Oh, I don't know why she's leaving

♪ Or where she's gonna go

♪ I guess she's got her reasons

♪ But I just don't want to know

♪ Cos for 24 years I've been living
next door to Alice... ♪

Alice? Who the f*ck is Alice?

♪ 24 years just waiting for a chance

♪ To tell her how I feel

♪ And maybe get a second glance

♪ But I'll never get used to
not living next door to Alice... ♪

Alice? Who the f*ck is Alice?

♪ Oh, I'll never get used to
not living next door to Alice. ♪