Charley's (Big-Hearted) Aunt (1940)

[bunniefuu]

The city of Oxford has been a seat

of learning for hundreds of years.

Many of our greatest men have studied

within its ancient colleges.

Some of which date back

to the 13th Century.

The College of Bowgate,

ladies and gentlemen,

which we are now entering,

is of more recent origin.

Come.

Off.

Founded in 1530, it is a fine example

of the architecture of the period.

The greater part of the facade

is still in its original state.

On my left, you will notice a four-cornered

depressed or Tudor Arch.

And on my right, you will

see some fine examples

of Renaissance windows.

And may I draw your attention

to that fine old gargoyle there,

which I think may say is

as old as the college.

'Ere, don't you get personal!

If you will cast your

eyes on the wall opposite,

you will notice what is

called the King Charles' Gate.

The famous Bowgate Library

containing the rare collection

of First Editions is on the first floor.

On the second floor, is a

room where Sir Walter Raleigh

is reputed to have studied.

While above that is the

statue of the founder

of the college, Sir Eustace Bogey.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Mr. Stinker.

Mr. Stinker!

Come on, come on!

Wake up, wake up!

Oh, what's the idea of waking me out

of this beautiful dream?

It isn't a beautiful

dream, it's a horrible mess!

'Ere, what have you done to Sir Eustace?

- Who?

- Sir Eustace.

- Sir Eustace?

- Yeah.

Somebody's put an 'at on his head.

- A gnat?

- An 'at.

- Mosquito?

- No, no, an 'at.

A mortar board. - Oh.

There won't 'alf be trouble

when the Butler see it.

Well, it's not mine.

Least I don't think it is.

Now, that's mine.

Albert.

Albert!

Hey, Albert.

Come on.

Wake up, sir.

Where's your gnat?

- My hat?

- Your cap.

Why, is it raining?

No, no, somebody's put an 'at

on Sir Eustace's head.

What?

Oh.

'Ere are.

Ah, it's not mine.

It must be Arthur's then.

Beak, hey, Beak.

Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones.

Wake up, wake up, come on.

What on earth?

Hey? - Yes, sir?

Captain.

What are you doing here?

Er, blowed if I know.

Wait a minute.

I drove you home last night

and you asked me in as

a properly invited jest.

Well you may have been a jest last night,

but you're beyond a joke this morning.

Go on, hop it.

Come on. - Come on, come on.

Up here.

Now where did I put him?

I remember parking him

somewhere last night.

Of course, I filed him!

Let me out.

Hello, playmates.

Ooh, what a blackout.

No wonder I couldn't find the switch.

'Ere, did you shove your

hat on Sir Eustace last night?

Last night?

Ooh, I can't remember that far back.

Oh, pull yourself together.

Listen, don't you remember?

We went to the Clarendon.

Yes, we passed an hour or two there.

And then we went to the Mitre.

We passed some time there.

And then we went to the Lion.

Yeah, we passed out there.

Ooh, by the way, didn't somebody bet me

10 shillings I wouldn't do something.

I bet you 10 bob you

wouldn't put your square

on the statue.

Ooh, then it is your hat.

Come on, 10 shillings.

Talking about dough, what about my fare?

16 and a tanner, it was.

16 and a tanner?

Does that include the horse?

'Ere, who is this?

Well apparently we asked him in last night.

Yeah, as specially invited jest.

Oh, well we can't treat a jest like this.

We must give him a Juinness.

16 and a tanner I want.

16 and a tanner?

Money, money.

It's always money. From the

moment I get up in the morning

'til I go to bed at night.

Money, money, money.

Where's Albert?

Come on.

Cough up.

What for?

For his fare, come on, we want a pound.

Well I haven't got one, see.

You blew all I had last night.

Now don't be a meanie, you know very well

you're Auntie Lucy's stinking with money.

Well, she won't give me a smell, see.

Don't argue with a mean skunk, Big,

I'll fix it.

Er, cabbie.

Would a couple of silk shirts

be any use for your fare?

Oh, what a nice dressing gown.

Leave my things alone.

We've gotta give him something, old boy.

Ah-ah.

All right, I'll pay.

Oh, what dirty underfoot methods.

Treating your pals like this.

Here you are, my good man.

Keep the change.

Big hearted Arthur, that's me.

Thank you, sir.

Ooh.

'Ere, I told you.

They're here, the Board, they're here.

They're after that hat.

How they gonna get it?

They'll hop out through that empty room

and climb along to it, you'll see.

What can I do about it?

Ooh, you can nip along this ledge

and grab it before they do.

Oh, but there's thousands

of caps like that in Oxford.

Yeah, but only one with your name on it.

Go on, out you go. - Go on.

It's a long way to terracotta.

- Oh, come on.

- Well,

keep hold of me tight, won't ya?

We've got you, go on.

Don't let me go.

- There we are.

- Careful.

See, you're all right.

I'd have to be a bluebottle

to walk along this ledge.

Well you came along it last night.

I know, but last night

there were two ledges.

Go on.

He'll never do it.

No.

Phil Brown broke his neck

doing the same thing two years ago.

I'm going down.

Come on, let's catch him as he falls.

All right.

There he is, up there, look at him.

Just like a monkey. - Come on, Arthur.

- Arthur.

- Carry on, save one for me.

- Arthur.

- Save us some.

Come on.

- Quicker!

- Quick!

Sir Eustace is only about 10 yards away.

Come on, come on.

'Ere, Arthur, look out for the Butler.

Quicker, quicker.

Go on, come on.

Go on, take it easy.

You've got plenty of time.

- What are you waiting for?

Come on, Big, you're doing fine,

you're three lengths ahead.

I'm laying two to one against the Butler.

- How about half a crown.

- Half a crown to five bob.

I'll have 10 bob on Mr. Jones.

Yeah, put me down for five.

Come on, Big.

Hey, I'm only paying even

money on the Butler now.

Hey, Arthur, get a move on,

I'm losing all me dough.

All right, all right, don't harass me.

I've go not head for heights.

Yeah, put me down for five bob.

All right, all right, you'll all be served.

Come on, Arthur.

'Ere, what the devil are

you doing? Shut that window.

- Eh?

- Shut that window.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Price.

Mind you don't fall. - Get out of it.

Ow, ow, my fingers.

My fingers.

Why didn't you say so?

How am I doing?

Okay?

- Any more bets on Arthur?

- No, take 'em back.

Hey, you can't put that there.

Hey, hey, the Proc.

Take these things away, will you?

Oh, what, are you still here?

If you don't take them

in, I'll kick 'em off.

Gotta have a drop of water on 'em.

There ain't a cloud in the sky.

Oh, well, they've gotta stop there

'til there is, that's all.

Ooh.

What's the meaning of this?

Price, what are you doing up there?

Sorry, sir, but I'm after

the hat on Sir Eustace.

Give me, give me. - Oh.

Are you a member of this university, sir?

Yes, sir.

Then I must ask you to

give me your name, sir.

Yes, sir.

Is that Linden Jones?

Present, sir.

I shall not deal with you myself.

You will report to the Dean

at five o'clock this afternoon.

Five o'clock, sir, I thank you.

'Ere, steady on the beer, chaps,

I'm not running a pub.

How can you talk of beer with the sword

of Damocles hanging over our heads?

What is happening to Arthur?

We can't bring up the

curtain later that 8:15.

If Arthur's sent down,

it won't got up at all.

And why not, pray?

I'm his understudy,

have you forgotten that?

No, we've remembered that, all right.

What is all this?

Why aren't you all at the theatre?

Why is Arthur in with father?

- The Proc yanked him in there

so that the Dean could tick him off.

Well, he's certainly doing that all right.

I've never seen father in such a rage.

You're a nice little ray

of sunshine, aren't you?

Well, what's going to happen to the show

if Arthur gets sent down?

I shall play his part, of course.

You fellows don't seem to realise

the first tradition of the theatre.

The show must go on.

Yes, but not with you if

we can possibly help it.

Here we are, playmates.

Well, I ducked the firing party

and got off with seven days CV.

You're gated?

- For a week.

- Oh.

I'd've got off with a chewing up

if it hadn't been for old

Popeye the Proctorman.

Didn't you tell the Dean

you're playing Charley's Aunt?

Of course I did.

Well then that settles

it, we'll have to call

the whole show off and return the money.

Oh no you won't.

What about the 30 quid for the theatre?

I know, you can get if from your Aunt Lucy.

You're always saying that

she gives money to charities.

Yes, but she doesn't consider me a charity.

Yes, look here, are we

discussing Albert's aunt

or Charley's aunt? - Excuse me.

I can tell you what to do if

you make it worth me while.

You can?

Yes, I often get young gentlemen off

when they've been gated.

Course, it costs more

than it used to, you know.

Yes, even the price of freedom's gone up.

How much?

Well, let me see now.

There's 10 bob for the man on the gate

to see no evil.

There's 10 bob for me to hear no evil.

And there's five bob each to speak no evil.

It's 30 bob altogether.

It's a deal.

30 bob.

Me again?

When anybody thinks of an

idea, it cost me money.

Cough up.

Oh.

Remember, you're taking

me last bob this time.

Nevermind, Tubby, I'll make it up to you

when my ship comes in. - Yeah, I know.

At present, she's

interned in a Russian port.

I thank you. - I thank you.

What happens if Arthur's spotted?

Oh, there's a lovely train back to London.

Ooh, an awful thought.

Didn't you sell the Proc a ticket?

Yes, but he tried to send it back.

He's got a committee meeting tonight.

Hey, that's a bit of luck.

Oh, now what about the programme?

Arthur's name's on it.

I know we can put a slip in the programme

to say that old Coxy's playing the part

and they'll never recognise

Arthur in the make-up.

Lovely idea.

I refuse to lend my

name to such a deception.

Arthur's been gated and I

demand to deputise for him.

And so you shall.

- You don't mean that.

- I do.

You mean you're going

to let him play your part?

Yes, in the bedroom here.

If anyone calls, he can tell 'em he's me

in bed with a bad cold.

Hey, come on, fellas,

we'll be late for the show.

Come on, let's blow.

Come on, fellas, don't

stand there guzzling.

Now, Jerry, whatever you do,

don't let Coxy out of there.

No, sir, I wouldn't let him out,

not even if he offered me 10 bob.

Good on you, you old scoundrel.

Come on.

I might do it for a pound though.

Mr. Cox?

So, as she's in the garden.

Well, she doesn't appear to be coming.

I think I better go and have another...

Excuse me, sir, have you seen Donna Lucia?

No, Jack, I've not.

- How fortunate.

- I'm waiting for her here.

- Waiting for her here?

- Yes, I've an appointment.

I didn't tell you before,

Jack, but she's due.

In fact, she's overdue.

So get off, my boy, get out.

Now I come to think of it, sir,

I saw her only a moment ago.

Oh, where?

- In the garden.

- In the garden?

By jove, I've just sent old Specifey there.

- Good work, Freddy.

- Go on, go on.

- All right, all right.

- Well, hurry up then.

You're on in a moment, you know, Arthur.

- Aren't you men worried?

- Well, come on then.

You make your entrance from the other side.

All right, don't be cross with Auntie.

I was thinking, perhaps you'd better

rejoin the ladies in the garden.

They might think it's rude

us both being away together.

Oh, perhaps so.

I know Babs isn't there.

But where on earth can he have got to?

- Have you found him?

- No.

The Proctor!

Where, where?

Oh, he must've missed

the committee meeting.

Well do something, stop

Arthur from going on.

The worse if it is, he's got Amy with him.

It's the limit, I'll

k*ll that little monkey

if I get hold of him.

Look, look at him now.

Yes, well that would be about the middle

of last July, you see.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Wickham.

Did you think you'd lost us?

Yes, I'm afraid I did.

Where have you been

to with that girl, you fool?

- Nowhere.

- Stop where you are,

I've got something to tell you.

Oh, have you.

- Charley, has Miss.

Fettigue seen the chapel?

Get him away, while I talk to Babs.

It's a lovely chapel, an

awfully pretty chapel.

Might I borrow your programme for a moment?

Certainly, sir.

Out.

What produce do you mean by this game?

What game?

You promised to help us.

I'm doing my best.

My father's going to propose to you.

Oh, is he.

Doesn't look very like young Cox to me.

I'm not going to marry your father...

Mr. Cox.

Thank you.

Has he spotted Arthur?

I don't think so, he's gone out.

- Where's the telephone?

- Outside on the left, sir.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Look out, here comes old Speckenview.

It's going to be a smash hit.

Huh, it'll be that all right,

the Proctor's been out in the front.

What, Popeye?

Right under your nose in the stalls.

Ooh, do you think he recognised me?

How do we know.

Well come along at one, Price.

And you'd better bring

another man with you.

To the theatre, sir?

Yes, sir.

Immediately, sir.

How do you do?

I'm Charley's aunt.

From Brazil, where the nuts come from.

How do you do?

I knew your late husband.

Intimately.

Excuse me, sir, the Proctor wishes to...

Sorry, can't stop.

- Excuse me, sir.

- Oh!

Excuse me, sir, the Proctor...

I don't remember this bit.

Excuse me, sir.

Whoa!

Go on then.

Excuse me, sir, the Proctor

wishes 10 speak to you.

Hey!

Let me out, you silly little man.

You a*s.

You muck.

- You blithering...

- All right, all right,

you've had one each.

Now let me think of something to call me.

If you'd've kept your back to 'em

they wouldn't have recognised you.

What are you talking about?

I was supposed to be playing Charley's aunt

not the hind legs of an elephant.

You'd've been more the type.

Now I've gotta do some hard thinking

to get out of this.

You'll have.

What about us? We're in

it as much as you are.

It's all right for you,

you've got a rich Auntie

you can fall back on.

Yeah, poor Auntie.

What do you say to a drink?

Same as I always say.

Well bless me cotton cons, here

is dear old Coxy, still holding the fort.

Ooh, he's gone to sleep at his post.

Let's wake him up. - Oh, don't do that,

we've only got enough whisky for three.

Oh in that case, we won't worry about him.

No, let's worry about ourselves.

I know what.

We can tell them it was

all part of the play.

Yeah, what about the

two Butler's I stopped?

Well, that was part of the play too.

Yeah, I dropped a Butler on his head

behind the scenes.

I suppose that was part of the play.

Yes, noises off.

Well, gentlemen, the

toast is Popeye the Proctor.

Popeye.

May his skin shrivel and his shoes squeak.

I wonder what made the old cob

come to the show? - He bought a ticket.

You don't think the mean old

swine's gonna waste it, do you?

He could've given it away.

Go on, he wouldn't give his

dying grandmother an aspirin.

Here look, there's still a drop left.

Shall we give old Coxy one after all?

Yes, go on, he's stuck it out.

Here you are, Coxy old c*ck.

And the toast is bottoms up to Popeye.

Mr. Jones, Mr. Burton, Mr. Brown,

you will be in the Dean's study

at 10:30 tomorrow morning.

And goodnight.

And smiling, the boy fell dead.

You wanted me, Daddy?

No, dear.

Oh, yes, Betty.

I want you to type this

letter for me, if you will.

It won't take you long.

It's to the secretary of the

Bowgate Archaeological Society.

- Mr. Linden Jones, Mr.

Burton and Mr. Brown, sir.

All right, Betty, thank you.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning.

I'm afraid this is going to

be a very painful interview.

I have here a list of your delinquencies.

And I can assure you, it

makes very sorry reading.

Oh well, don't let's read it, sir.

I mean, it's no good upsetting ourselves.

That's quite enough, Jones.

I have reluctantly come to the conclusion

that you three men are

a disturbing influence

in the college.

I'm afraid I shall have to send you down.

Oh, don't send us down, please, sir.

No, once we start going down,

there's no knowing where we'll stop.

You should've thought of that before.

You sadly neglected your opportunities.

Oh, but we haven't neglected

our opportunities, sir.

No, I've learned a lovely lot, sir.

I've learned how to speak Greek.

That's Latin.

Ooh fancy that, I know Latin as well.

And I've learned to

recite English literature,

"King Bruce of Scotland".

Er, Scotch literature.

King Bruce of Scotland sat him down

in lonely mood to think.

Though he was a monarch and wore a crown,

his heart was beginning to sink.

To sink...

Sank.

If you can offer an adequate reason

why I should not proceed

to this extreme measure,

I shall be ready to hear it.

Mr. Brown?

Would youthful high spirits

be a good excuse, sir?

It would not.

I'm afraid I can't understand

your writing, father.

- Oh.

- What does that say?

Yippee?

Yippee, dear?

It can't be yippee.

Perhaps it's whoopee!

Oh, it's Egypt, my dear.

The history of Ancient Egypt

is a subject very dear to my heart.

Oh and what does that say?

Ah, yes.

It's a great disappointment to me

that this expedition to Pathibes

should have to be abandoned.

But as we should need at

least another 5,000 pounds

to carry out the excavations

and as it appears unlikely

that we should discover

anyone so magnanimous...

- Ah, yes, that's the word.

- Ah.

Well, gentlemen, I don't think

there's anything more to be said.

There is one thing I'd

like to mention, sir.

It's not about myself.

Indeed?

No, it's...

It's my Auntie Lucy.

Your aunt?

I fail to see the connection, Jones.

Well, it's the shock,

sir, me being sent down.

Her heart, it's been very weak

since she came back from

her last expedition, sir.

Expedition?

What on earth are you talking about?

Well, she always goes on expeditions

to Egypt every year, mummy grabbing.

Mummy what?

That's her pet name for Egypt...

Anyway, she's very keen on it, sir.

Oh really?

Well, it's very interesting.

I know a great many Egyptologists.

I probably know your aunt.

Well, she's not exactly my aunt, sir,

she's Albert's.

But you said she was your aunt.

Well, she is in a way, sir.

The three of us have all been brought up

since we were that size.

And she's all our aunts

and we're all her nephews.

Except Stinker and me.

I don't follow.

Well if ever Albert lost his hoof,

I always gave him Stinkers.

Mr. Burton's.

Auntie Lucy's always been like a father

and mother to all of us.

And if ever we wanted anything,

she's always provided it.

Hasn't she, Albert? - Yes.

In a way.

See, that's the trouble with Auntie, sir,

her heart's as big as it's weak

and when it comes to Egypt,

ooh, the till is always open.

Really?

Yes, anyone can go to

wherever the c*ck-eyed scream

about digging a hole in Egypt

and she just pours money into it.

Indeed.

Yes, why, do you know, she went out there

with a partner and the

partner did the digging

and she did the paying

and they dug a hole for five years...

Five years?

Hmm, well you know it is, sir,

they dug for one year and nothing doing,

then they're dug a second year,

same again until it came a sort of habit.

Five years seems to

be incredibly long time.

Ah, but what a hole, sir.

Well, it sounds a

fantastic story to me, Jones.

Well, Auntie's a fantastic woman, sir.

And if I may say so, sir,

it was a fantastic hole.

Evidently.

And what did you say the lady's name was?

The Lady Lessington-Smythe.

Oh.

Your aunt, Brown?

Lives in the Midlands, doesn't she?

In Birmingham, sir.

Where the nuts come...

Nuts and bolts come from, sir.

Well, I suppose after

that unfortunate experience,

your aunt had no further interest in Egypt.

Oh, don't you believe it, sir.

She's crazy to start digging again.

You see losing that hole left

a sort of gap in her life.

Ah.

It seems very unfortunate

that so excellent a lady

should suffer for the behaviour of others.

Yes, sir.

Particularly as you tell

me she has a weak heart.

Then we won't be sent down then, Sir?

I shall review the matter.

- Thank you very much, sir.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

And that will be all for

the present, gentlemen.

Thank you, sir.

'Ere, what's the idea of pinching my aunt?

What do you mean, your

aunt, she's joint stock now.

Did I pick that one up quick?

- Yeah, too quick.

Suppose he finds out. - How can she?

The think that's worrying me

is how we're gonna keep it up.

Well, we're all going

down at the end of term.

We've only gotta keep it going 'til then.

- Hello, what's happened?

- Hello, darling.

You all look very cheerful.

Hey, don't tell me father's let you off?

The old boy's gonna think it over.

Isn't it marvellous.

Yes, good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Betty dear, I want you to

take another letter for me.

It's to Lady Blessington-Smythe.

You'll find her address in the records.

She lives in Birmingham,

where the nuts come...

Birmingham, dear.

Two, three, four.

♪ Today I've been so happy ♪

♪ So happy, so happy ♪

♪ I don't know why I'm happy ♪

♪ 1 only know I are ♪

Francais.

Ooh la-la.

♪ Today je suis so heureux,

so heureux, so heureux ♪

♪ I don't know why I'm heureux ♪

♪ I only know je suis ♪

♪ Oh, today I've been so happy ♪

♪ La-La-La, la-la-la ♪

♪ He'll eat up all our ♪

♪ De-de-de-de-La-la ♪

I say, how do you expect

a fella to work next door

to a row like that?

I'm trying to read Greek verse.

Scram, Coxy, will you.

When you come home blind

after a sick night,

we don't complain when you make a noise.

I've never had a sick night.

I've half a mind to tall the Dean.

Ooh.

♪ Oh, today he felt so happy ♪

♪ So happy, so happy ♪

♪ Today he felt so happy ♪

♪ He's going to tell the Dean ♪

♪ Oh, today he's ♪

Crown him.

Oh, oh, hello, darling.

I want a word with you, Dickie.

Oh, alone, good, shall we go outside?

No, it concerns all of you.

Oh.

- Where's Albert.

- Albert?

He was in by the Lion at Blackpool.

Oh, don't be silly.

He's gone out to buy food, as usual.

Oh, very well then, I shall wait here

until he comes back.

I want to know the truth

about this aunt story

you've been telling father.

The aunt.

Oh, it's about Auntie.

Albert has got an aunt, hasn't he, Arthur?

Oh yes, he goes to see her.

So have lots of people.

But not the sort of aunt who

collects old mummies in Egypt.

Oh, well, I've got an aunt

who collects old soldiers in Aldershot.

Very funny.

But it won't be so funny

when she gets the letter.

Who gets what letter?

What letter?

The letter that father has written

to Lady Blessington-Smythe.

You don't happen to

know what's in the letter?

He wants to get together

with her about this expedition.

What, what, what, what...

And if it's a lie,

I think it's beastly of you.

Is that the letter there?

Yes it is.

I suppose there's no chance

of it being lost in the post?

No, none whatever.

No, I thought no.

I couldn't get any caviar.

Oh, hello, Betty.

You're not stopping to tea, are ya?

Mind you, I got enough for four anyway.

Don't worry, we're not

likely to eat it now.

I've got a bone to pick with you.

What is this story about your aunt?

ER?

Here, who's been talking?

Is it true that she's an Egyptologist?

Oh, well, you'd better ask Arthur.

He seems to know more about it than I do.

I'll, er, I'll be back in a minute.

I knew it.

Not one of you has given

me a straight answer.

It's all just a pack of

lies you've told father

to avoid being sent down.

'Ere, you can't open other

people's letter like that.

- Oh?

- No.

You'll tear it.

Give it to me, I'll show ya.

All you want is a pencil.

Oh.

- Put it in there, see.

- Yes.

Slowly roll him round.

I wanna put something else in there.

All right, get a bit of paper.

There you are, see.

It's easy.

Give in there.

- Put that in there.

- Right.

There you are.

Thanks very much.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

After all, Betty, Albert

has got a rich aunt.

I admit we stretched that

Egyptian stuff a bit.

Stretched it?

You invented it.

You know father's anxious to

take this expedition to Egypt.

But we didn't mean any harm.

No harm?

You raise his hopes and then

dash them to the ground.

We don't dash things ever, Betyy.

We don't... - Oh, shut up, Stinker.

You won't split on us, will you, Betty?

They'll be no need.

This letter is going to

blow up the whole thing.

- Oh, Betty.

- Do stay for tea, please.

Letter?

What she talking about?

The Dean's written to Aunt Lucy.

What?

Don't be a silly big boy.

We knocked the letter off behind her back.

Yes, I did it.

Then I bunged a bit of paper instead.

Mind you, I'm not sure that

we acted honourably, you know.

- Oh, no.

- I mean Betty trusts me

and I don't think it was quite plain...

- Oh, no...

- Oh, shut up.

What's in the letter?

Let me your ears.

It says, interested in Egypt...

and may I call on

you in Birmingham tomorrow?

Hope it...

Birmingham tomorrow?

Lummy, he's gonna call on her.

Oh.

Oh, it's all right, it's all right,

we'll put a stop to that.

- All right, clever,

think of something to get us out of this.

Well, I mean...

All we need's an aunt.

Yes.

Anybody got an aunt we can borrow?

Well.

Have you got any aunts in your pants?

No.

Well if we had one, how

would we get her to Birmingham?

We wouldn't want her in

Birmingham, we'd bring her here.

Oh, what's the use of that?

Well look, all she's gotta do

is to pop in and see the old boy.

Tell him she'll think this Egypt stuff over

and pop out again.

I've got an Aunt Jessie

in Balham who might do it.

Would she?

Mmm, but she's in South Africa.

Oh.

Oh, Tubby, what's your Auntie Lucy like?

I don't know.

I suppose she's just like any other aunt.

Haven't you got a photo of her?

No, I haven't.

There's an album full of

photographs in your trunk.

Hey?

Yeah, next to your patent leather shoes.

'Ere, how did you know?

Oh, I...

I just guessed it.

Well you guessed wrong, see.

Hey.

- Going down?

- Trunks, please.

Here, leave my trunk alone.

That's my private property.

- I've got it, I've got it.

I've got the album, there we are.

Here, give that to me.

Don't snatch.

Isn't nothing sacred to you?

If you wanna see Aunt Lucy, I'll show you.

Come on then.

Oh, who's that?

Oh, that's my Uncle Charley.

Hey, is he the right way up?

Ah, there's Aunt Lucy.

Ah, Auntie Jessie could

never look like that.

No.

But I tell you who could.

- Who?

- You.

- Hey?

- You.

Me?

Him?

- Yes.

- No.

Don't be silly, you did it in the play

and got away with it.

I know, but I'm not gonna do it now.

It's easy.

10 minutes in the Dean's study

with your back to the light.

And Bob's your uncle.

Yes, but Arthur's not

your Auntie, so that's that.

Oh, don't be a stubborn little man.

No one in Oxford knows her.

Yes, I do.

I know your Aunt Lucy.

- What's that?

- Yes, it's her all right.

Lucy Brown, who used to

work at the Rose and Crown.

What are you doing, reciting or something?

It's Lucy Brown, I said.

The prettiest little barmaid

that's ever drawn a pint.

Barmaid.

He's talking out the back of his neck.

No, I ain't, I'd know her anywhere.

- Is this true?

- Yes, it's true.

Used to be the family secret.

But now it'll be all over Oxford.

No, it won't, nobody knows about it but us.

Yes, but us includes him.

Oh, I won't say a word.

Ooh, not if you give me a couple of quid.

Where am I gonna find a couple of quid?

In your tobacco jar.

I haven't got two quid in me tobacco jar.

Ah, that's right.

Huh?

It's gone. - That's right.

Do you mean to say you've pinched it?

No, no, I was just minding it for you.

But I suppose I can keep it now, can't I?

Of course you can keep it.

Big hearted Arthur, that's me.

Thank you.

But remember, one word from you about this

and you're for it.

Yes, they'll be an empty space

in the old age pensions queue next Monday.

Oh dear.

Oh, I admit their conduct

merits the severest action,

at the same time, there are certain factors

to be taken into account.

For instance, sir?

Well, I just learned that one of them,

well, all three of them, have an aunt,

who's in a very delicate state of health.

I see.

I believe her heart is in no condition

to withstand the severe shock.

And who is this lady they're

all so concerned about?

Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Brown's aunt.

She finances deserving

causes, does she not?

Does she?

Oh.

Yes, I believe I have heard

something of the sort.

It's too incredible a story.

Altogether too incredible.

You don't believe it?

Well frankly, no.

And if you feel disinclined

to deal with these men,

it would be my duty as Senior Proctor

to bring the matter before

the Vice Chancellor.

Come in.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Mr. Cox wishes to see you.

May I speak to you, sir?

Yes, what is it?

It's about my room, sir.

I want to change it.

Oh, why?

I cannot tolerate the noise on my stair.

It interferes with work.

Mr. Brown is on your stair, is he not?

That's right, sir.

It's like living under a beer garden.

Don't you mean a beargarden?

Actually, sir, beer

garden is more appropriate.

Oh, why?

I've just learnt that

his aunt was a barmaid,

here in Oxford.

What?

It's quite true, sir.

Lucy Brown was a notorious character here.

Lucy Brown?

Do you realise, sir,

that you were actually

slandering a lady of title?

If you persist in repeating

this scurrilous story,

Mr. Cox, it will be a very

serious matter for you.

Yes, very serious.

You may go.

Lucy Brown?

It can't be true.

We'll soon find out.

Lucy Brown.

That takes us back a bit, doesn't it?

Takes you back a bit.

She was here in your time too.

Yes, but if I may say

so, not in my spare time.

I seem to remember a little incident

on the river which nearly

resulted in your being sent down.

I was the victim of circumstances.

Mmm, very suspicious circumstances.

Ah, here we are.

Blessington-Smythe.

Married.

Lucy.

Daughter of George Brown of Oxford.

Telegram, sir.

Thank you.

Good gracious.

What an extraordinary coincidence.

This is from the Lady herself.

Lucy?

Lady Blessington-Smythe.

I shall be spending a few hours

in Oxford tomorrow morning

with my dear nephews and would like

to discuss their future with you

before answering my annual

call to the mysterious East.

Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Reading, Sidcup, Maidenhead and London.

Er, porter, is that the Birmingham train?

It's just coming in now, sir.

Look who's turned up.

Come on.

Ah, Burton.

Brown.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Morning, Betty.

You've come to meet your aunt, I suppose?

- Er, er...

- No, sir, I mean,

yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

What do you mean?

- Yes, sir.

- Ah.

And where's Jones?

He couldn't come, sir, he's not very well,

he's in bed, sir.

He's got flu. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Gentlemen.

Yoo-hoo.

Er, porter, porter.

What do you bring him with you for?

Didn't, he turned up.

You said 10 minutes in his study

with me, back to the light.

- I know...

- Shut up.

May I intrude on this little family party?

Brown, introduce me to your aunt, will you?

Auntie dear, this is the Dean.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

I've been looking forward

so much to meeting you.

Oh, I hope you're not disappointed.

On the contrary.

My dear nephews have told me all about you.

Really?

This is my daughter, Betty.

So this is Betty.

Here, Dickie, hold Butterfly.

Dickie's told me so much

about you in his letters,

I feel I've known you for years.

May I?

Charming girl, your daughter.

I've engaged a

conveyance, if you'll allow me

to take you up to the college.

Oh, goody, goody.

Isn't he thoughtful, Richard?

Yes.

Now, Albert, I do believe

you're putting on weight.

You'll have to...

Ah-ah-ah, temper.

Trying to bite Auntie.

Here, take those and don't eat them

"cause they're for poor little Arthur.

He's sick you know.

Ah, poor little Big, he's my favourite.

- Really?

- Yes.

Hey, look at that.

Best green grapes and at my expense too.

I'm so excited to be here, back in Oxford,

this ancient home of learning and...

All tickets, please.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Yes, I haven't been here

for quite a time now.

I remember I fell off my bicycle just...

Just a moment, madam.

This is a platform ticket.

I beg your pardon?

What did the gentlemen say?

This is a platform ticket, madam.

You've just come off

the train, haven't you?

Yes.

Oh, the puff-puff.

Of course, you want my

train ticket, don't you.

I don't seem to have it here.

Well I'm afraid you'll have to pay again.

Oh.

I don't seem to have any change either.

Albert? - No, I haven't.

Allow me.

How much is the fare?

Where from, sir?

Oh my dear Dean, really, you mustn't.

I came from Birmingham.

Where the nut...

First class.

That'll be 14 and five pence then, madam.

Oh, honestly I can't...

There you are, my good man.

Keep the change.

Thank you, madam.

Now then, here we are.

I think we can all squeeze in.

Oh no, the dear boys

would much rather walk,

wouldn't you, boys?

Besides, Butterfly could

do with the exercise

after such a long train journey.

Then you and Betty will sit in the front.

Oh no, we can all squeeze in the back.

Come along, come along. - Thank you.

Betty and I don't mind being

squeezed, do we Betty dear?

Perhaps Betty would prefer to walk with us.

Oh no, Betty wouldn't.

I want her here with me.

Dear girl.

Now you take Butterfly

for a nice walkie-talkie

and don't go through the town.

Find an avenue where's

there's lots of nice trees.

Well now, come along in.

This is my study.

Oh what a delightful room.

What a pity I can only stay

here the merest moment.

Won't you sit over here?

I'd rather sit over here,

if it's all right with you.

What would you like,

Lady Blessington-Smythe?

A gin and French, gin and Italian, sherry?

Yes, please.

Now then, Betty my

dear, you must run along.

We have several important

subjects to discuss.

Very well, father.

Ah, lully.

I mean, er, most refreshing.

I'll see you later,

Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Yes, bye-bye.

Well, bung-h*, as my dear

late husband used to say.

Oh, quite, quite.

Er, bung-h*.

You know, you must think

I'm a frightful nuisance

taking you away from your

wonderful antiquities

and has-beens and things.

Not at all.

I'm only too grateful.

It's so delightful to find someone

who shares my love of the East.

Oh yes, the moonlit

desert, the beautiful sands.

Ah, yes my dear, the East

is East and West is West

and the same applies to North and South.

Now here I've got something

which I know will interest you.

I must pop over and see it sometime.

There.

Now isn't that beautiful?

Yes.

Where did you dig that up?

Pathebes.

It's over 5,000 years old.

Oh, I can see it's secondhand, hmm.

You will notice that...

Oh bother that telephone.

Pardon me, will you?

5,000 years old.

Think of that.

Study the inscription, you'll

find it very interesting.

Hello?

Who?

Lady Blessington-Smythe?

Yes, she's is here, why?

Well, can't I take a message?

Oh, very well, I'll ask

her if she'll speak to you.

Dame Jane Luckton would

like to speak to you.

Dame Jane...

Do I know her?

She's the Principal of

one of our ladies colleges.

Oh.

How did she know I was here?

Well, one of the penalties

of fame, dear lady.

Oh, sauce-box.

Hello?

Did you want to speak to me?

My dear Lady Blessington-Smythe,

I heard you were in

Oxford and I couldn't miss

the opportunity of

getting in touch with you.

I wondered if you could take

tea with me this afternoon?

Tea?

Oh, my dear plain Jane,

Dame Jane, I am absolutely devastated

but I simply must get

the four o'clock train.

Oh, how disappinting.

I was so hoping to interest

you in an educational cruise

I was organising for my girls.

Travelling is broadening, don't you think?

Yes, one can learn so much on a cruise.

Yes, but it's just a question of funds,

Lady Blessington-Smythe.

These projects are so expensive.

Yes, and at any other

time I'd be most happy

but still, you see how it is.

Goodbye.

Trying to raise money for

her precious cruise, I suppose?

Yes, I don't know that I approve

of cruises for young people.

Personally, I feel that kind

of education is all bunk.

Precisely.

Mind you, I believe in

taking students abroad,

provided they go with a purpose.

Now my Egyptian expedition.

Oh, yes, obviously

your methods are correct,

otherwise my dear nephews

would not have made

such excellent progress.

Ah, no.

I understand that the way they've advanced

is simply amazing.

It is amazing.

But not, I'm afraid, in

the way that you mean.

Oh?

My dear Lady, you must

prepare yourself for the worst.

The worst?

You don't mean...

The boot?

The boot.

Why, what's the matter

- Oh my heart.

- Your heart?

Oh, it's there, opening and shutting.

Oh, the doctor warned me.

I'll get you some brandy.

Yes, it's over there.

Oh, oh those poor boys.

Thrown out in the world

without a BA to their name.

Now then, drink this, it'll do you good.

That's it.

Better?

Nearly.

Huh, I'm so sorry to have distressed you.

Oh, it's all right, I'm better now.

Oh, but you must do something

for those poor boys.

Couldn't you stand them

on a form or something?

Well, I'm afraid...

Oh, they're coming on again.

No, no, control yourself.

Dear Lady, control yourself.

I'll do everything in my power.

Ah, you will?

Yes, but I'm afraid the matter's

not in my hands any longer.

It now rests with the Senior Proctor.

Him? What's it got to do with him?

He's bringing it before the Vice Chancellor

at four o'clock this afternoon.

Oh, can't you do something to stop it?

Well, unfortunately, he insists

on exercising his prerogative.

Oh well.

Well, I must go and warn my poor nephews

what is coming to them.

Ah, but, you're not going, surely?

I hoped we might discuss my expedition.

- Oh, the ancient Egyptians?

- Mmm.

Oh, I'm afraid I'd have

to give that further consideration.

Just as you wish.

After all, they've been

buried for thousands of years,

they should keep for

another couple of days.

Oh, it's all right, don't

bother, I'll find my own way.

Then I shall see you before you go?

Of course, of course.

Au revoir for the present.

Ah, there he is.

Well, what did the Dean say?

Did you get it all washed down?

No, we're all washed up.

Why?

- Empty, finished, no good.

It's in the hands of the Proctor

and he's seeing the Vice

Chancellor at four o'clock.

Then you'll have to get to work on him.

Who, the Proctor?

No bloomin' fear.

Now listen, you silly little man.

Now, it's no good of arguing,

I'm through with the whole business.

- Yes.

- Yes,

and the extraordinary part was

that he was put in the

wrong class, you see.

He wasn't highly commended

but he was highly delighted.

Now listen.

Would you strike a defenceless woman

with a child in her arms? - Ah.

'Ere, if you don't turn this up,

I'll take these clothes off

and do a Lady Godiva round the quad.

Here, hold that. - Yeah.

- There's a boy.

- Hey.

Oh, that's torn it.

I'll tell you one thing,

you just leave me alone...

Oh.

My dear girl, what are you doing here?

Stop fooling, Arthur,

I can see through you.

I want to know the meaning of all this.

Well, it's a long story.

You see, when I was a little girl...

Yeah, we were in an awful mess, Betty

and Arthur thought that...

Arthur thought, I like that.

We worked out the whole planning committee.

Was it part of the plan

that I should be kissed

publicly on Oxford Station?

No, I put that bit in myself.

Well, I was going to tell father.

But I've decided to say nothing,

provided you take off

those ridiculous clothes

and end this nonsense.

You're doing this for us, Betty?

No, I'm not.

But I don't want father

to burst a blood vessel.

If there's any more of it, I'll risk it.

So now you know.

Now we know.

Oh, you gave me quite a start.

Ooh, what a get up.

I don't want any cracks from you.

Put this back in moth ba*ls.

Yeah.

Get me some slippers for my poor old feet.

Like one of the Dean's fireworks?

Present for a good boy.

Got a match?

Here you are.

Thank you.

Some flowers come.

Who's been ordering flowers?

I'm not paying for them.

They're for Lady Blessington-Smythe

with the Proctor's compliments.

- Popeye?

- Yes.

From Proctor?

He's saying it with flowers.

Ooh.

Hey, here's a note.

Oh, it's a billet-doux do for me.

Have it read to me.

Oh, listen to this.

Dear Lady Blessington-Smythe,

or may I say Lucy?

Ooh, Lucy.

Your presence here has

brought but tender memories

of those happy hours we've been locked

in the kindly bosom of

the dear old river !sis.

Ohh, !sis, !sis, lovely !sis.

I'll have a raspberry.

Hey, wait a minute, I haven't finished yet.

May I hope that these few

flowers may cause you to recall

those gossamer days.

Oh, gossamer days.

Forever yours, James

Crawley, erstwhile, Bubbles.

- Popeye!

- Bubbles.

The Proctor, the Proctor!

What?

Oh, where's me bag, where's me gloves?

Where's me hat?

- Here, missy.

- What about the other one?

The other shoe?

Oh, come in, sir.

Good afternoon, Burton.

Good afternoon, sir.

I called to, um, to see

Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Lady, she's in there with Jones.

He's got the flue, sir.

Jones has.

He's pretty bad.

- Indeed?

- Yes.

Well, er, perhaps you'd better

let her know that I'm here.

- I'll tell her, sir.

Won't you sit down, sir?

And I'll them you're here, sir.

Okay.

Bubbles.

Oh, what did you tell him I was here for?

Listen, do you see, it's our big chance.

- I'm taking no more chances.

You heard what Betty said.

She'll never know, it's a gift.

He's dropped right into our lap.

Well, he's not dropping into mine.

All you've got to do is

to lead him up the garden.

No, better still, lead him up the river.

What, like I did in my

gossamer days, don't be daft.

He's got to see the Vice

Chancellor at four o'clock.

If you lock him in the kindly

bosom of the dear old !sis,

you can keep him there until it's too late.

That's it, and that' it,

and save the lot of us.

Sorry lads, the price is too high.

Come on, I'm not gonna go

through it. What are you doing?

Let go of me.

What are you doing?

I tell you, I'm not going through with it.

Leave me alone.

Oh, how do you do?

Don't say that you've forgotten me, Lucy.

It isn't, yes, it is!

Mr. Crawley.

Are you surprised to find me here?

Well, fancy you still going about.

I see you got my little offering.

Oh yes, my favourite flowers.

Oh, Mr. Crawley, fancy you remembering

after all these years.

You're a naughty, extravagant boy.

I ought to be very cross with you.

Oh, but you're not angry with me

for coming to see you like this?

Oh no.

Merely taken aback.

When you deserted me,

I plunged into my work here.

It helped to keep my mind off you.

Talking of things, it can't

be true that you're going up

to the stuffy old Vice

Chancellor to the dirty,

to, er, speak harshly of my dear nephew?

That is my unhappy duty, Lucy.

Ah, but now that you've met me,

you won't do it, will you, Bubbles?

I'm afraid I have no option.

Then you're a hard hearted creepy crawly

and I never want to see you again, never.

Leave me, leave me, leave me.

- You want me to go?

- Yes.

No.

Er, no, no, come back.

As a punishment, you shall take me

on the river this afternoon.

Oh, but I'm afraid I can't do that.

I have to be with the Vice

Chancellor at four o'clock.

Four o'clock, but we still have two hours.

That's not very long.

Oh, I don't know.

A lot can happen in a couple of hours.

More begging letters, I suppose.

Ah dear, look at them.

Manchester, Brighton, Llandudno, Oxford.

Oxford?

Ooh.

Something wrong about this one.

Mr. Albert Brown, 47 pounds, 10!

The dirty, little, little rascal.

Anything wrong, m'lady?

Anything wrong, my

nephew owes a wine merchant

47 pounds 10 and he told

me he was a teetotaller.

Ring up Bowgate College immediately.

I'll have something to

say to that young man.

Oh, wait.

Hello?

Who?

Mr. Brown?

No, he ain't in.

Then go and find him at once.

I can't go running all

over the college after him.

What's it about?

It's about a wine bill for 47 pounds 10.

Ah, don't worry about that.

You'll get paid, all right.

Oh, I will, will I?

Oh, that's some comfort anyway.

47 pound 10.

You know what he owes his tailor?

94 pounds six, and he'll get it.

94 pounds, are you sure?

That's nothing.

You know what he owes his bookmaker?

Over 200 pounds!

And he'll get it.

May I enquire from where?

Well. He's got a silly old

aunt, she's rolling in dough.

All you've gotta say to her ♪,

"Auntie, I want 600

pounds," and he'll get it.

I'm inclined to think he will.

Oh, isn't this too, too heavenly?

Delightful.

I hope you're watching the time.

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, it's not three o'clock yet.

You remember those

delightful summer evenings,

when we used to drift along,

just as we are doing now?

Yes.

How far used we to drift?

Sometimes as far as the lock at Islip.

- Who slip?

- Islip.

Oh, as long as I didn't.

I wonder if we ought to be turning back.

Oh, no, no.

Now you must have a rest.

I'll tell you what, I'll

turn the record, shall 1?

Oh, we've had both sides now.

I'll see if I can play the rim.

See if you can find a

nice little place where we

can tie up for a couple of minutes.

Well, there are some willows just ahead.

Gracious me.

Well, Lucy, little did I

think that we should be

here again together, after all these years.

Oh, yes, it must be fate, Mr. Crawley.

You used to call me Bubbles.

Yes, but I realise I'm

getting a big girl now.

I still have a few

souvenirs of those happy days.

Oh, yes?

Do you remember this?

What is it?

A hand frill?

Oh, my goodness, my garter.

You gave me that on our

last evening together.

Gave it to you?

You naughty boy, I believe you took it.

Don't you remember?

Yes, I went home with my stocking

all round my ankle and got all gnat bitten.

I don't remember that.

You don't think I'd show

you my gnat bites, do you?

Do you remember if I wore

this above or below the knee?

Really, I have no idea.

Well, er, turn away, I'm going to find out.

Look the other way.

All right, you can look now.

Many years have passed,

Lucy, since I last held

this little hand in my hand,

since we wandered through the dewy fields.

I trust, Lucy, that time has not,

that time has not,

that time has not.

I should switch that

off, it's getting a bit

hum-drum, isn't it?

You were saying?

I was saying that I hoped that.

Great haven's, what's that strike?

That'll be three o'clock.

Four o'clock, great heavens.

Excuse me, Lucy.

My appointment, I shall be late.

I have to meet the Vice Chancellor.

Take care, you'll have us over.

Oh, it'll be all right.

No, look out, look out, look out!

Miss Mitchell, there's

someone in the river.

Where?

There she is!

I wonder if she could swim.

She doesn't look like she knows.

Help!

Help!

Ah, oh.

- Come on, come on.

- Come on.

Get up.

Come on, girls.

Now, hand away there,

girls, don't crowd round.

Hey, kids, you're pulling me arms out.

Oh, she's conscious.

Another couple of minutes of that

and I wouldn't have been.

What ever happened?

Well, I was out in a boat with a man.

Oh, it was horrid.

Oh, you don't mean the...

I do, you've no idea.

Fortunately, the boat overturned.

Oh, the beast!

Oh, there he is!

Oh, the wicked old man.

Keep him away from me!

Keep him away.

I'll soon settle him.

Go away, you ruffian.

You can't land here.

But I must get out, I'm exhausted.

Then you must go further down.

This is the property of Swinburn College.

Go away, how dare you!

What on earth is going on here?

Good gracious, it's Mr. Crawley.

Help him out at once.

He'll catch his death.

- Serves him right.

- What's that?

It's unbelievable.

Are you sure?

It's outrageous.

Go on, away with you,

you ought to be ashamed

of yourself at your age!

- Yes, but madam.

- Don't talk to me!

Here, hang on to that and float off.

Where is this poor unfortunate lady?

Oh, you poor woman, I'm going to take those

wet clothes off at once.

Oh, no!

Oh no, you mustn't do that. - Nonsense.

Now girls, take her inside, quickly.

Yes, but you don't understand.

I could explain.

Honestly. - Now come along.

- I'd rather you didn't.

- Come along.

Crikey!

They've taken him into the Club House!

Ooh, what a lark, innit?

Lark, you old fool!

We must get across there

before he's unfrocked.

Come on. - Yes, come on.

Now, come along girls.

Now, be very, very careful.

Yes, you've done enough for me already.

Nonsense, take her into the dressing room

and get her something hot to drink.

Yeah, but I...

Oh, they're all undressed.

Naturally, it's a changing room.

Now come along, you really must.

But I mean this man to

man, woman to woman, I...

Oh!

Whatever is the matter, Betty?

I just made a ladder in my stocking.

Well, there's no need to

scream like that about it.

Come on, girls.

Help this poor lady off of her clothes.

No, no, no, please,

please, please not here.

Oh, I can't bear it.

Good gracious, why not?

Well, you wouldn't understand.

Oh, haven't you got a

cubicle or a tool shed

or something private?

I want to be alone.

Oh, I quite understand.

Take her into the bathroom.

That's man's unnerved

her, I must tell the dean.

It's outrageous.

- Now come along here, dear.

You'll be all right in here.

And if you'll pass out your wet things,

we'll have them dried for you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And I'll come in in a

minute and give you a massage.

It'll make a new woman of you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, thank you.

I'm quite new enough as it is.

Oh, but this is marvellous stuff.

You'd be surprised.

Yes, so would you.

But to keep the Vice

Chancellor waiting like this,

you know, it's unthinkable.

It's very unlike Crawley.

I can't imagine what's happened to him.

Hello, yes?

Yes, speaking.

Oh, good afternoon, madam.

What?

A most disgusting and

revolting incident in a punt.

On the river in broad daylight?

Oh, no, no, you must be mistaken.

Well, what was the student's name?

Mr. Crawley, the Proctor?

Are you quite sure?

Is the lady safe?

Oh yes, indeed.

Very distressing, very.

Certainly, I'll come over right away.

Yeah, thank you very much, good bye.

Come in.

Feeling better?

Ever so.

I've reported this disgraceful

business to the Dean,

and I can promise you the

fullest investigation.

Oh, well, I don't want it investigated.

Surely the culprit must be exposed.

Yes, but I mean, think of me.

Think of the headlines.

Title lady has fun in punt.

Titled lady?

Yes, er, I'm Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Well, well, well, I'm Dame Jane Luckton.

I telephoned you this morning.

Oh, you're the old, you're the lady

who runs the Sunshine Cruises?

Educational cruises.

And now that you've missed your train,

you must certainly stay

and have tea with me.

Oh, but my dear Dame...

Now, now, I won't listen to any refusal.

I'll make arrangements at once.

This is most providential.

Yeah, but...

All sunk.

Come in.

Oh, Betty.

I warned you!

I told you not to go on with it!

Now look at the mess

you've got yourself into.

You don't know the worse.

The old bird wants me to go

cruising over a cup of tea.

Here, you better get me out of this.

Stinker!

There he is!

You've landed me in a

fine old mess, you have.

Yes, but...

There's no time for argument.

Get back to the college

and fetch my clothes.

And get a move on.

Well, I've managed to borrow some clothes.

Thank you very much, I'll take them in.

You'll pardon me, Miss Forsythe.

Move on, move on, peeping

in a lady's dressing room.

You ought to be ashamed

of yourselves, you are.

Away with you.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello.

I felt I heard a bug.

Dame Janes sent me across

with a change of clothes.

She wants me to take you to her study

as soon as you're dressed.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Would you give me a hand?

Yes, of course, with pleasure.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh dear, you're all wet.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You can't possibly go out like that.

No, you must let me take

Lady Blessington-Smythe over.

Miss Forsythe, my Principal has given me

instructions I shall carry out.

Well, I'll be ready as soon as you are.

Yes, well, it won't take

me very long to get changed.

Now go change.

I'll get my hair done in the mean time.

Oh, I just had the most

unfortunate experience.

So I gather.

I had a mishap on the

river and my punt overturned.

I don't know what upset it.

I do.

Dame Jane has just telephoned me.

Apparently, the leopard has

not changed his spots, Crawley.

What are you suggesting,

that I behaved in an improper manner?

Now it's no use blustering.

You must learn self-control.

- I am self-controlled.

- Please.

I'm on my way now to hear the whole story.

But I...

Oh, my good man, I want

to see the Dean of Bowgate.

Can you direct me?

No, he's not in.

Could you tell me where I'll find him?

No, he's gone to visit the President of.

Oh.

Swinburn.

Oh, but do you think he will be there long?

I don't know.

What a nuisance.

I've got to be at Birmingham tonight.

Thank you.

Help me.

Yes, m'lady.

Drive me to the Swinburn College.

Yes, m'lady.

What's the matter?

- Aunt Lucy!

- What?

It's the real one.

Yes, it is, it's Auntie.

Struth, come on!

Now go along.

Nice little place you have here.

So cosy.

Well, hello, Philip.

'Ere, find the boys and

get them here at once.

I've gotta get out of this tea party.

Tell 'em me Uncle Joe's

throwing kidneys on.

Tell them anything.

Goodbye, thank you so much.

Goodbye, goodbye.

I was unaware when I phone you

that the lady in the case

was Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Good gracious.

I don't think we should

discuss it in front of her,

she's distressed enough as it is.

We'll talk of it in

here, if you don't mind.

Certainly.

If my nephews call you,

let me know immediately.

Of course.

Dame Jane won't be long.

- Oh, then she's not here yet?

- No.

But she'll be up in a few minutes,

Oh, tell her not to hurry on my account.

And there's no need for you to wait.

Here you are then.

Wouldn't you like me to

pour out tea for you?

Oh no thank you, I pour

out very well myself.

Just as you please.

If there's anything you do

want, I will be out here.

- Oh, you will.

- Yes.

You mean you will be here

all the time I'm in here?

- Yes, all the time.

- Yes.

Good afternoon.

Oh!

Oh, good afternoon.

No sign of rain?

No.

I expect you wondering what

I'm doing in your study,

but I was told the Dean

of Bowgate was with you.

With me?

You are the Principal, aren't you?

Dame Jane?

Oh no, no, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You'll be waiting to see her?

Well, I'm expecting to go at any moment.

Oh, and, am I intruding?

Oh no, no, no.

I mean after all, ladies first,

I mean you were here first.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Is that your tea?

Is it?

Oh, yes, yes.

Would you like a cup?

I would very much, thank you.

Shall I be mother?

Mother?

Oh, yes, please.

Would you mind that for me?

Oh, all right.

Ta.

Have you burnt yourself?

Not much.

Why don't you use the holder?

The holder, yes.

Oh this?

I thought it was a crumpet.

Do you know Oxford well?

I used to.

Are you an Oxtonian.

Well, in a way.

My people from Cowes.

Talking of cows, milk?

Yes, please.

Say when.

Now, now.

Up to the pretty.

There you are.

Oh, I won't be bitten again.

I think it's bunged up.

I hope they won't be long.

I must be back before it gets late.

Yes, so must I, before it's too late.

Why, do you life far?

Yes, rather a long way.

Birmingham.

Birmingham, which part?

Hansworth.

- Really?

- Yes.

Why, that's where I live.

Do you?

Curious that we've never met.

Yes, oh, I'm very seldom home.

Which part of Hansworth do you live in?

Park Square.

Really, this is the most

extraordinary coincidence.

Do you know that I live at Park Square too?

Well, that just shows, doesn't it?

That one part of the Square doesn't know

where the other part of the Square lives?

Yes.

Which side do you live on?

Well, it depends which

end you come in from.

Ah, mine is the last

house on the north corner.

Holly Hall.

Holly Hall?

Yes, I'm Lady Blessington-Smythe.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm not feeling very well.

My dear Lady, I'm so sorry

for keeping you waiting.

Oh, don't mention it.

In fact, don't say another word.

The Dean insisted in making

his personal apologies.

Yes, couldn't he make

them on the way to the gate?

I really can't stay another minute.

Is this the Dean of Bowgate?

Please introduce me.

Yes, that's the Dean of Bowgate.

How do you do?

And this is Dame Jane Luckton.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

And this is, oh, I beg your pardon.

Must have got my come wet.

Well, now that's all settled,

I'll be pushing along.

There's a telephone message

for Lady Blessington-Smythe.

I've put it through here.

It's on the desk.

Oh, me heart.

Oh, me heart.

Brandy, brandy.

Oh, oh, me heart.

Yes, Lady Blessington-Smythe.

'Ere, come off it, it's Albert speaking.

Here, cut out the Aunt Lucy

stuff and beat it quick.

The old hay bag's here herself.

Lady Blessington-Smythe,

that was your nephew, Albert.

Albert?

He said you'd better beat it.

The old hay bag is here herself.

Goodbye all.

Oh, make way!

Come on, oh!

- Hey.

- Hey!

Look out!

Hey, what are you running for?

Come on, let's get over there.

Come on.

Come on, move that piano. - What?

- It's all Albert's fault.

- What?

I only told you Auntie was here.

I know, you didn't

tell me, you told Auntie.

Hey, where does this get us?

There's been two Auntie

Lucys running around

this town today, so if

we wrung these clothes

in the furnace and burn them,

that gets rid of one of

them and lets me out.

Yeah, let's us in.

Well, it was your idea and his Auntie Lucy,

so sort it out among yourselves.

Hard Hearted Arthur, that's me.

Why, you dirty double crossing...

Now, listen, playmates, here.

Take this Auntie Lucy down

to the furnace and burn her.

By the time the others arrive,

I'll have thought of something.

You will have to think hard, Jones.

I'll take charge of those.

You will all of you report to the Dean

tomorrow morning at 10.

I thank you.

Oxford's not a bad place, was it?

I'll try three.

No, not so bad as a whole.

I'll pass.

No, it's all right as a whole.

I'll go four.

Well boys, I go next.

What again?

You always won the one, Lucy.

I thought our education was completed?

On the contrary, it's only just beginning.

My dear husband's going

to take you in hand.

Husband?

You haven't gone and done

it again, have you, Aunty?

No, but I'm going to.

Come in Henry, dear.

- Struth!

- Bubbles.

Him, not likely.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm gonna try Cambridge.

Goodbye, everybody.

I thank you.

Hey, wait for us!

Come on, wait for us!