03x06 - The Sea

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: Kyrie/Sjung, Syster
Sjung! by Sara Parkman

You all right?

This bit used to be
the nudist beach here.

Till the council started
throwing turds in the water.

I mean, what's the point
of getting your chebs out

if everything stinks of sh*t?

Do you have to use
the word "chebs"?

DANNY CHUCKLES Sorry.

t*ts.

Margate's actually quite nice
now. It's quite up-and-coming.

I just saw an Aldi.

And a Prezzo in
Broadstairs. Ooh.

I used to love it here, so much.

Although London's sh*t now.

We're all just getting our
phones nicked all the time

and everywhere shuts
by half ten, so...

sh*t. What do you do
if you want a late one?

Well, sometimes, I go...

I go to...

..Soho House.

Soho House?! Mm.

DANNY CHUCKLES Oh, no.

Please don't tell me you're
a member. Don't start.

Who do you think you
are in Soho House?

Just someone who likes a 1am picante
with padron peppers and pals.

You are so g*y.

I didn't make it, did I?

HE SIGHS

I'm so sorry, mate.

I'm sorry too.

I just...

I just couldn't...

You don't need to explain it.

We all know there
isn't just one answer.

I guess I just want
you to know in some way

that you're still so present.

It's all the everyday
stuff, really, like,

I could be picking a Tesco meal
deal and start thinking about you -

at what you'd get, whether
you'd go for a Dr Pepper

or a Naked Blue smoothie,

what you'd make of
how it's all changed.

How's it all changed?

It's not �3 anymore.

What?

It's �3.90.

3.40 with a Clubcard.

Are you joking?

But at some Tescos, you
can get a Costa Express

in the �3.40 deal, which is...

BOTH: ..the price of
a coffee in itself.

And then sometimes,

I'll just think about
you on certain dates,

like the day I turned the
age you were when we met...

..and I thought, I don't
know why you became friends

with such a dweeb.

Or the day I turned the
age you were when you left.

And I felt so guilty,

like I was never supposed
to become older than you.

And then the day I turned 30,

one of my first thoughts was, "God,
you'd be so happy in this age."

Everything just sort of dissipates
a bit and you stop giving a sh*t

about looking good in photos

or making someone's
birthday drinks on time.

I f*cking hate
birthday drinks. Mm.

It's, like, have
a party or don't.

I totally agree.

And I know, somewhere, you'll be
cringing soooo hard at the earnest,

overshare-y sincerity of
all this, but I just...

..I just really miss you.

And I've written
so much about us.

To not let the injustice
of what could have been...

..override all the
joy of what was.

Can I just say, look, I
know I chose this ending,

but we both know it's
not what I wanted.

I didn't wanna leave,

I just wanted out of the f*cking
mess I kept falling into.

I dunno, a part of me thinks that
this shouldn't be the ending.

And, yeah, I'd...

..I'd actually really
like another one.

OK.

OK, right. Erm...

Stand up. What?

Come on.

Up you get.

Shoulders back.

Chebs out.

Get up on the bench.

What, like, on it? Yeah.

OK, and... now what?

You're going to wait.

Wait for what?

Well, I'd like to
think, that night,

you didn't wait for the help that
you had asked for to get to you,

so, this time,
you're gonna wait.

I feel like a bit of an
idiot just stood here.

No, you don't. You look great.

Look, if you wait, something
else will come along.

It might not be
loads better, but...

..just you wait.

Jack.

Ah, thank you.

Ah, I feel like a right plum.

No, sod this.

Come on. It's OK.

HE SNIFFS

That's it. It's OK.

It's OK.

It's all right.

Let it out, OK?

Let it out.

It's OK.

Sorry. Danny, where do
you keep your teabags?

No, I wasn't talking to you.

No, I won't be home
tonight, Kelly,

so you're going to have to make
your own dinner, I'm afraid.

SHE CHUCKLES Grumble!

No...

No, that's not true.

I taught you how to use the George
Foreman very recently, remember?

Yeah... Yeah, OK.

And there's some asparagus
tips in the veg drawer as well.

No, I know... I know they
make your wee go funny,

They makes everyone's
wee go funny.

Funnily enough, actually very
good for you, asparagus tips.

Erm... Good h-hearing, something
like... something like that.

Erm, well, I'm actually just
teabagging in Margate at the moment.

Are you laughing?

She's laughing.

Why are you laughing at that?

Hello?

I think she's on the
train or something.

Right, teabags, teabags...

TV: Coming up next, it's
A Question Of Sport.

Is Sue Barker a l*sbian as well
or is that just Clare Balding?

Can't remember.

Shall we have a little
read of the TV Guide?

Ooh, it's from 2008.

It'll be wrong.

Mm. Seen... Yeah,
seen that, seen that.

Haven't seen that actually.

Ugh, cycling.

SHE CHUCKLES

Ahh.

There's a little bit of a
breeze coming from somewhere...

SHE GASPS Oh, my
God. Oh, my God.

Heh... Sorry!

SHE CHUCKLES

No, it was a bit of an emergency
cos, erm, you know, you didn't

answer you phone after you texted
me and I was a bit like, "Oh..."

Cos I'd driven for two hours, and
I was like, "Ooh, got to get in,"

so I used the minibus fire
extinguisher in the end,

which is also quite mini,

erm, to smash your...
smash your back doors in.

But don't worry, don't worry,
don't panic, cos I've put many an

SU bog door back on its hinges.

All in a day's work.

OK. DRILL WHIRS

Cover your eyes.

Right, let's just
get some shut-eye

and then we'll make a plan
of action tomorrow, OK?

Thanks, Jules.

Oh... Oh, oh, no
worries... at all.

Of course, sweetheart.

There's nothing too big
that we can't fix, OK?

Just remember that.

OK.

Night, then,

I'm just gonna put on a podcast if
that's OK, just to help me sleep.

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Ahh...

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, do you know what
"GS" stands for on my...?

"Great shag."

SHE CHUCKLES

No, I'm joking. Just, erm...

No, just trying to get some
cheeky banter going with you.

Cos now you're at
the end of uni,

I can do cheeky banter
with you, finally.

Ooh, shall we have
a Mr Whippy? 99?

Oh, hello.

IN MANDARIN:

Ooh, er...

..hundreds and
thousands sprinkles.

Threw in an extra Flake for you.

Aww, thank you.
That's very kind.

Jules!

What?

MUSIC: Sea Creatures by Soak

What did you
actually study, then?

International business
relations with Mandarin.

Wow. Mm.

God, the ice creams in Margate
are to Princess Di for.

Oh, here we go.

In an interview in 1999,

she said that during her
career she was approached by

l*sbian tennis players
in locker rooms

and had to reject
their advances.

Oh, right, OK.

And in 1982, she had a brief
romance with singer Cliff Richard.

No! Yeah. Cliff allegedly said,

"I seriously contemplated
asking Sue Barker to marry me,

"but, in the end, I realised
I didn't love her quite enough

"to commit the rest of my life
to her." Oh, my... So harsh.

It is harsh. They would have met
at Wimbledon. At Wimbledon, yeah.

Hang on, where are we? This
isn't the way back to uni.

Well, I'm taking us on a
cheeky 37-minute detour

to one of your
favourite places to eat.

HE YELPS

You're joking!

Fleet Services! Yeah.

I f*cking love you, Jules
Handy! Oh, language please.

I f*cking love yoooooou!

MUSIC: Whiteout Conditions
by The New Pornographers

Ahh...

Ah, that was incredible.

You know, when I was holding those
two semi-automatic pistols just now

to k*ll the zombies on the Sega
House of Dead machine, I...

..I just suddenly had a thought
that... that I need new challenges

in my life.

This is very much the
effect that Fleet Services

tends to have on people.

Do you know what? Believe it or not,
my whole life, people have, like,

thought I was a bit of a joke
or something and I'm actually...

..I'm actually not. I'm...
I'm very proud of my career.

Because I know I didn't, you
know, leave uni and join, like,

a FTSE 100 company or... or...
or start a small, inspirational,

independent greetings card
business or anything like that,

but, you know, I did
something that I really love,

which is helping people.

Mm. Walkers Max Paprika?

No, not right now.

But, erm, helping them
learn about themselves

and help them to... to
let their hair down and...

..and discover who they are.

I mean, like how
you've done with Jack.

And all your friends, actually.

And I...

..I think that... that...

..next year should
be my last year.

And I was thinking as well,

I mean, you know, if you're
up for it, that, erm...

I just think that you have a
lot of those same qualities.

Me? Yeah.

I was thinking I could train
you up this summer and, erm...

It'd be, like, a proper-waged
job and everything.

You could finish your
disso, then, and, erm...

I mean, at least for a little
bit, you can be the new me!

You know, when you
put it like that...

..I think that's
exactly what I wanna do.

I think I'd actually
be sick at this!

Yeah, that's literally
what I'm saying.

Boop!

You hate it when
I do that to you.

I know. It's hard not to,
though, innit, once it's on?

Yeah, it's addictive,
it's addictive.

Can you get the
Gaviscon out of there?

Those jalapeno poppers
are just sitting...

..sitting right
on my chest. Yeah.

Oh, are there none in there?

No, just... Erm...

Mm. I can go and get
you some, though.

Oh, yeah, are you sure,
yeah? Yeah. That'd be great.

WH Smith's, mate. Not a problem.

SHE SIGHS

SHE TAPS

Oh, hi, hi.

Yeah, it's just me.

Erm... Yeah. No, no, I'm fine.

Erm...

Er, yeah, I've got him, yeah.

TEARFUL: Yeah, it was
quite tough, but...

Yeah, we're on our
way back now, so...

Yeah.

OK.

Thanks, Tim. Thanks
for checking in.

Of course.

Text me any time.

Yeah, I'm here to
help all summer so...

Yeah, he can stay at
mine if he needs, but...

I mean, whatever, just...

We'll... we'll get him through.

Well, no, he wouldn't
be staying in my room.

Well, I've got three
bedrooms, Jules.

OK.

Hey, you did really well.

All right, OK, take care.

HE EXHALES

Is he all right?

He's all right.

MUSIC: Wreath by
Perfume Genius

MUSIC OVER DIALOGUE

She's called DianaCamilla.

Nice. DianaCamilla Miller?

It's actually Mill-ar,
like, up at the end.

Yeah, it goes up at the... Mill-ar.
Up at the end. So it's different.

And, like, I just really want
her to be a woman who just

doesn't hate other women.

Aww. You know?
So, in many ways,

this is sort of my way
of just ending that feud

between Charles's
brides, you know? Mm.

This is exciting.

Hi. All right?

Erm...

You look well.

Yeah, you look...

..smart.

Thank you.

Erm, meet my family.

This is my mum, Kim. Hi, there.

You know the names that
are harder to pronounce,

did you write them out
phonetically for me?

Yeah, I-I thought it
might be r*cist, though,

to just do the ethnic names,

so I've phonetically
spelt out everything.

OK, erm...

Yeah, that's probably right,
isn't it? I don't... Don't go yet.

Craig, David...

..and this is Brilliant.

Wait, hang on, your name's
Brilliant? Brilliant.

That's brilliant.

Right, OK, just go and take your
seats, wherever Mum and Dad are.

Guys! Guys!

SHE LAUGHS

Christ!

I just went to the
hat and gown place.

It's �27, so I've
hired it for the day.

Take it off now.

Don't be jealous because
it suits me more, please.

OK? I actually do have some
pretty big news to tell you all.

Here we go. How's she going
to upstage my day now?

So, in September...

I'm going to uni.

What? Finally, a smart move.

That's amazing, love.

Yeah, so, I'm not gonna be lazy
and, like, go to some little uni

down the road or
anything like that.

Erm, instead, me,
Tariq and the babies,

we're moving next month...

..to Cyprus.

Spoke too soon.

Christ, that's ages away.

I know it's far, it is far,

but, you know, you've
gotta come visit.

And I really want you all
to see the kids loads.

And Tariq's found this really
nice house near the campus for him

and the girls cos I'm gonna
do the first year in halls.

Are you on f*cking drugs?!

Sorry? Have you lost your
absolute f*cking mind?

Yeah, tell her, Nan.

OK, guys. MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

JULES CLEARS THROAT

Hello, welcome,
bienvenue, huang yang

to the Brent Uni BA
Journalism Graduation 2016.

Now, it gives me great pleasure
to say that handing out these very

important scrolls you see
here, we have - I can't believe

I'm saying this - one of the
country's most beloved entertainment

interviewers in...
in the country today.

I love her, you love
her, we all love her.

Please put your hands and feet
together for the late, grea...

..erm... for the... for the...

..for the indomitable
Alison Hammond.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: This Morning Theme

Yes, I know, I know. Put
your hat on and sit down.

Put your hat on and sit
down. Alison Hammond. Yeah.

Don't say her name any more.
Just go sit down, buddy.

Please welcome, up first,

El-uh-zeh-bruff Jo-ee-ner.

APPLAUSE

Ta-ma-sa Pee-do-frile.

APPLAUSE

It's Thomas Peter Friar!

Co-ree-na Ga-ha-ma-ra.

APPLAUSE

Woo! Woohoo!

Congratulations.
Thank you so much.

Ja-kee Roo-ka.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go on, Jack!

Congratulations. Well done.

You're... you're my fish.

Sorry, bubs?

You died. You're...
you're my dead fish.

Oh, right. Have a
lovely day. Well done.

Pa-da She-ee.

BOTH: We're coming, Shannon!

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Aww, thanks for helping me
move my stuff into halls, guys.

Aww, love you.

Although, mate, your
dandruff's terrible.

It's like you've sat
under a shredder.

LAUGHTER

HE EXHALES

Hello, you.

Ahh, mate.

It looks so good.

It does, dunnit?

I'm proud of ya.

Oh, all right, no
soppy bollocks,

I've already had Jules in here
crying cos I did this all by myself.

Well, you've upstaged her, mate.

Now, are you gonna
get suited and booted

to pull a fresher tonight?

Nah, it's Brent Uni policy, I've
got to stay in uniform, so...

Nah, can't.

Yeah, I'm also contractually
forbidden to, you know,

dance with, flirt with,

definitely shag with any
of the students, so...

Ah, that's a shame.

Yeah, strict but fair. Yeah.

Well, you can dance
and flirt with me.

Not shag, but... All right, OK.

Wait there.

Ready? Mm-hm.

MUSIC: The Magic
Position by Patrick Wolf

The sound system in here's sick.

I'm gonna put some garage
nights on, the lot.

Right, come on.

We're not actually
gonna dance, are we?

You asked me to dance,
so let's have a dance.

Yeah, but it's a bit g*y.

Yes, it's very
g*y. Now, come on.

What are we doing?

All right.

♪ So let the people talk

♪ It's Monday morning walk

♪ Right past the
fabulous mess we're in

♪ It's gonna be a
beautiful day... ♪

Jack and Danny.

c*ck rhyming slang
for "fanny", innit?

SHE CHUCKLES

♪ And you take my kiss

♪ And I take the world... ♪

All right, now, just don't
do anything I wouldn't do.

I mean, I wouldn't shag a
bloke, but you get what I mean.

Run!

♪ Cos out of all the
people I've known

♪ The places I've been... ♪
You drank poppers!

♪ The songs that I have
sung The wonders I've seen

♪ Now that the dreams
are all coming true

♪ Who is the one that
leads me on through?

♪ It's you who puts me in the
magic position, darling, now

♪ You put me in the magic
position, darling, now

♪ You put me in the magic
position, darling, so

♪ Let me put you in the
magic position, darling, cos

♪ I'm singing in the

♪ The major key

♪ The major key

♪ The major key

♪ Let me put you in the

♪ The major key. ♪

♪ Well, you thought

♪ You could not go on

♪ Your bones are just beating

♪ Like drums at your
funeral song... ♪