Kevin James Thornton: Be Yourself (2023)

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome

Kevin James Thornton.

[ALL CHEERING]

You guys. Wow!

[MAN WHOOPING]

Um, let's... begin.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Let's start like that.

Make it weird.

I got a text from a guy

that I dated 25 years ago,

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

when it was the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

I'm going to do that a whole bunch.

I'm going to wear it out.

Yeah, I got a text

from this guy.

I haven't really heard from him

in, like, 25 years.

And the text said,

"I miss you."

And then right after that,

another text that said,

"Show me that a*s."

[ALL LAUGHING]

He's imagining 1996 a*s...

and what I currently possess

is 2023 a*s.

2023 a*s looks like

two hairy scallops.

White, uncooked...

has salmonella.

But then I thought,

you know what?

I'm going to do it.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

I'm going to

send him a photograph.

A photograph is way too big

of a word for what I'd sent.

I didn't go to Olan Mills.

For the young people

in the room, um,

Olan Mills was like

a family portrait place

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Side thought. Hear me out.

Olan Mills

Genital Portraiture.

[MAN WHOOPING]

Do you remember

you could get your picture taken

and then up in the corner

would be, like,

a superimposed, dreamy...

Do you guys see where

I'm going with this?

[ALL LAUGHING]

So you can have your picture,

and then up in the corner,

whatever it is

you'd like to feature.

Olan Mills

Genital Portraiture.

We'll probably cut that part

from the show.

That probably

won't make it.

So I sent him

a picture of my a*s

and he responded with

maybe the most hurtful thing

he could have.

His response was...

"That's not you."

[ALL LAUGHING]

He thought I chose

to send a photo

of some other

50-year-old a*s.

I'm not quite 50.

I'm 49. I turn 50

in a couple of months.

[ALL CHEERING]

Okay.

I'm actually pretty cool

with getting older.

Listen, I'm in the

worst shape of my life

and I feel fine.

It's okay.

Everybody calm down.

When I was young, I was a

h*m* gazelle of beauty.

Was.

And I'm totally fine now with

the ever evolving landscape

of my physical form.

I'm fine with

slowly transforming

into your

Intro to Anthropology professor.

He wrote his dissertation

on circumcision in the Amazon.

He dates students.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Professors can't

do that anymore, but they could

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

I feel pretty cool at this stage in my life.

I feel like

I really know myself.

It's not always great.

Now, once a year, my doctor

puts her finger

in my butt hole.

And every time she does it,

I'm mildly embarrassed about

how easily she just

slides it in there.

[ALL LAUGHING]

No resistance.

Not even a quiver.

And every time

she does it,

I'm like, either she's

really good at this,

or I'm really good at this.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

My doctor does one thing

that I do not like.

Every time during

a prostate exam,

with her finger

on my prostate, she says,

"Smooth."

I hate it.

Like I now understand that

a healthy prostate feels smooth,

But at first I thought she was,

like, congratulating herself.

"Smooth."

I grew up in

a super fundamentalist Christian church.

- [ALL CHEERING]

- Okay.

Some of you might relate with

the super fundamentalist Christian church.

Yes. Okay, good.

That's what I wanted

here tonight.

Religious trauma.

[ALL CHEERING]

All around me.

In my super fundamentalist

Christian Church youth group,

they used to

dress us up like clowns.

Stay with me.

We put on like

a sinful clown play

in the park.

And each clown

represented a different sin.

So we had

Premarital Sex clown.

Ah. There's some Premarital Sex

clowns here tonight.

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah!

We had ab*rtion clown.

[ALL CHEERING]

Don't get mad at me.

I'm just telling you

what happens.

And we took the youth group

on a mission trip

to New York City.

We took our

sinful clown play

on the road.

They took us to

a neighborhood in New York,

called Spanish Harlem

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] So imagine

20 white suburban teenagers,

walking down the sidewalk

of Spanish Harlem,

dressed like ab*rtion clown.

[ALL LAUGHING]

They were all staring at us

and laughing in Spanish.

We did a lot of weird

productions like that.

Every year for Halloween,

we put on this haunted house

that simulated

you going to hell.

Stay with me.

Um, it started

with your funeral.

A lovely way to spend

a Friday evening.

And we had our haunted house

set up where you had to crawl

under your coffin

to get into hell.

I don't know how biblically

accurate this is.

That's how we did it.

And then it was just

room after room of youth group

kids screaming at you.

But it was similar in theme

to the sinful clown play.

We had a room

about premarital sex,

we had a room about ab*rtion,

there was even

a room about lust you just can't win.

It featured a man masturbating

in the flames of hell.

It's the kind of

wholesome entertainment we're missing today.

But growing up

in that environment,

it did weird things

to my forming mind,

especially around sexuality

and my body.

The most popular guy

in my school was named Stan.

And Stan came to school

and said he popped

a girl's cherry.

I look over, there's like a

Victorian mother with a scarf...

[GASPING IN FEMININE VOICE]

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's shocking, I know.

He said he popped

a girl's cherry.

I'd never heard that before.

I didn't know

what that meant.

It's unfortunate timing.

Because right around then

I discovered

the dirty magazines

in the woods.

If you're young, you don't know

what I'm talking about.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]Dirty magazines in the woods

Dirty magazines in the woods

Next door, neighbor Brad said

He stole 'em from his dad

Now there's

Dirty magazines in the woods

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

The dirty magazines in the woods.

You kids don't know

how easy you have it today.

All I had were

the dirty magazines in the woods.

They were under a log.

They were damp

from the environments.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But it was

unfortunate timing,

because, um,

the very first picture I saw...

I now understand

what I was looking at,

but I didn't then.

It was a photograph

of a naked woman,

and she had actual cherries

and, like, cherry sauce,

spread around her area.

But I saw it and I thought,

"She popped her cherry.

Is that what it looks like?

Does she need

to go to the hospital?"

Stan and Tara

started to go together.

They showed up

at school one day

and said they

were going to do it.

That's the progression.

You go together

and then you do it.

And I went straight up

to Tara and I said,

"Tara, you're making

a terrible mistake."

And she said, "Why?"

And I said, "Tara,

you're going to get herpes."

And Tara said,

"Stan has herpes?"

And I said, "Oh, Tara,

you're so naive.

"Don't you know that

if you have premarital sex,

"herpes will just form?"

And Tara called it off

right then.

And that is the origin story

of my seventh grade

arch nemesis, Stan.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

In those days, there was

a channel on the television

that was like

scrambled porn.

I'm going to have to explain

a lot to the young people.

So imagine a giant, like,

wooden cabinet television

with a dial on it

that you had to turn

and there was

one channel you could

sort of see that

it was dirty movies,

but they were weirdly, like...

The image was scrambled.

But it kind of seemed like

if you turned the dial back

a channel and then forward...

[SCATTERED CHEERING]

Yes.

All right.

It sort of seemed like

the image would unlock for, like, a split second.

So you'd be like,

"Was that...

"Was that a nipple? Wha--

"Scrambled nipple?"

Now you're playing

this weird

Las Vegas porn game

called Scrambled Nipple.

[MAN WHOOPING]

So one night, I waited

for everyone to go to bed.

I snuck out

into the living room,

and I tilted

the Ottoman forward

right in front

of the television, so I could lean against it.

One hand on the dial.

You know where

the other hand is?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Playing Scrambled Nipple.

And then my mom comes out

and she says,

"Kevin, go to bed."

And I panicked,

and I decided to pretend

that I was sleepwalking.

And I said, "Where am I?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

And it worked.

I just went to my room

and I wasn't in trouble.

So we entered this era

where I'd wait for everyone

to go to bed,

I'd sneak out

into the living room,

in front of the television,

my mom would come out

and say, "Kevin, go to bed."

And I'd say...

"Where am I?"

Looking back, I have to ask

the mothers in the room, like,

moms know, right? Like...

Teenagers think

they're being so tricky,

but moms have to know.

If you're in a house

with a teenage boy,

look around and anywhere

a p*nis could go...

it did.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Moms, did you know that?

Ben came to school

with a VHS tape,

handed it to me.

I said, "What's this?"

And he said,

"Go home and watch it."

And I did.

It was porn.

Unscrambled.

Apparently, Ben had two VCRs.

A VCR is a machine...

that plays VHS tapes.

If you had two of them,

you could make copies of the tapes.

We also had two VCRs,

and so I made a copy

of the copy.

And I brought it to school

and I went right up to Stan.

And Stan said, "What's this?"

And I said,

"Go home and watch it."

And for a brief moment,

I was back in Stan's favor.

And he invited me

to the popular guy sleepover.

It was very exclusive.

I was lucky to be there.

We get to the sleepover

and Stan tells us

the plans for the evening.

We're going to sneak out

of the house

and run through

the yards of popular girls

and bang on their windows.

I'm filled with anxiety.

I regret coming

to the popular guy sleepover.

On the way out of the garage,

Stan grabs a singular warm

Bud Light and cracks it open,

takes a swig

and starts to pass it around.

Josh looked at me and said,

"Kevin, are you going

to drink the beer?"

And I said, "No, Josh, I don't

give in to peer pressure."

[ALL LAUGHING]

But all the other guys

took a sip,

and now everyone's

super drunk.

Stan is trashed.

We get to Tara's house

and we bang on her window.

Tara comes to

the window and says,

"Oh, my God, Stan,

are you drunk?"

And then Tara looks at me

with this look in her eye like,

"Thank you, Kevin.

"For saving me

from a life with Stan.

"He's an alcoholic."

We get back to Stan's house,

and the lights are on.

Stan's dad is awake.

We walk in the front door,

his dad's standing there,

we're terrified,

moving in slow motion.

We all sit down.

And Stan's dad says,

"I am so disappointed

in all of you."

Leaves the room.

I took a moment

and then I said,

"Hey, guys,

can I ask you something?

Have you accepted

the Lord Jesus Christ...

[ALL LAUGHING AND CLAPPING]

as your personal savior?"

And that is the sequel

to the origin story

of my seventh grade

arch nemesis, Stan.

[ALL CHEERING]

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

In my super fundamentalist church,

we had Wednesday night

Bible study.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

The Wednesday night Bible study.

I looked forward to it

every week.

It was like a little party

in someone's house.

I loved it.

And a lot's going to happen

at the Wednesday night Bible study.

First, there's going to be

a crock pot of nacho cheese.

And the best is when

it was at Megan's house,

because Megan's mom

put a can of Rotelle into the nacho cheese.

Yeah. And then she just

called the whole thing Rotelle.

And in my memory,

Megan's mom,

just in my mind,

is like this weird floating head

in the house.

In my memory.

Like you turned the corner

and she'd be like, "I made Rotelle."

In my mind.

I don't know why.

You'd open the toilet,

it would be like, "Rotelle."

Why?

All right, so we

have nacho cheese.

You're going to feel

really guilty about something.

Consider the possibility

of hell.

[SCATTERED LAUGHS]

Why the f*ck

was that funny?

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then at the end,

there's going to be, like,

a prayer circle scenario.

And I always made sure

I sat next to Jason,

because I get

to hold Jason's hand.

[ALL CHEERING]

It's a lot to go through

on a Wednesday night.

Got nacho cheese,

existential crisis,

prayer circle with a b*ner.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Every week at school,

we'd decide who needed

to get saved next

and we'd invite them

to the Wednesday night Bible study,

but we would just

tell them it's a party.

So Stephanie would

show up unsuspectingly.

So I thought, have you ever

walked into a Trader Joe's

and felt like you're in a play

about being at Trader Joe's?

It's weird in there.

It feels like everyone

had a conversation about you before you walked in.

That's sort of what it was like

for Stephanie

at the Wednesday night

Bible study.

Also, little known fact,

every time they ring that bell

at Trader Joe's,

that's someone who gave

their heart to Trader Joe.

[MAN WHOOPING]

It is.

In my teenage years,

I felt there was something

about me that was different.

But I could not even

let the word "g*y" pass through my head.

In that world,

it was not a possibility.

So I had a lot

of conflict about it,

a lot of big emotions.

We also sometimes felt

if you had big emotions

about something,

maybe it was God

giving you a message

for the group.

So one night at

Wednesday night Bible study,

I was really feeling it.

And I said, "Hey, guys,

"I think I have

a word from the Lord.

"Someone in

this room tonight...

"is struggling

with h*m*."

[ALL LAUGHING]

They were terrified

and I loved it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

It felt very good

to say those words out loud.

I'm just curious

here tonight.

Is anyone struggling

with h*m*?

- [ALL CHEERING]

- I thought so.

Let me just

get a better feel,

who are the straight people

here this evening?

- The straight people.

- [CHEERING]

Okay, right. Yes.

I just asked

who are the straight people

and the straight people

raised their hands.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SOFTLY] Straight people.

"What's happening?

It's a safe space.

"I thought a safe space.

I'm straight."

[LAUGHS]

Who are the people

of any q*eer variety in the room this evening?

[LOUD CHEERING]

Oh, yeah.

See, we're better.

I don't really believe that.

One time in church,

the pastor was talking about

how God would give some people

supernatural gifts.

And one of those

supernatural gifts

was the ability

to speak in tongues.

We didn't really

do that at my church,

but I was sitting there

and I was like, "Can I do that?

"I think maybe I can."

So, of course,

we're going to try it out.

I waited for a pause

in the sermon

and I said, clear as a bell...

"Chamalla hamalla."

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Just that.

"Chamalla hamalla."

And then I kind of choked.

The room

filled with tension

and then behind me,

I hear someone say,

"Yes, Lord."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Phew!

I look back and it's Janet.

Janet was legendary

in our church.

Legend has it

that Janet woke up

at 4:00 a.m. every morning

and prayed for three hours.

No one ever

saw her do this,

she just told us.

And then with a tear

in her eye, Janet said,

"Chamalla hamalla shonda

obi shasta shandalla."

And I thought, "That's not

what I said, Janet.

"I said, 'Chamalla hamalla.'

"Don't, like,

put your own flavor on it."

The pastor told us that it was

the language that angels spoke.

And I imagined a scene in Heaven

where the angels were like,

"What's up, Jesus?

Chamalla hamalla."

If you're getting frustrated

with someone in Heaven,

a common phrase is,

"You're really starting

to chamalla my hamallas."

God sneezes.

[IMITATES SNEEZING]

ALL: Chamalla hamalla.

Some of you have the gift.

That's wild.

We loved to talk

about the rapture.

And we were divided

into two distinct groups,

some of us believed

that when the rapture happened,

the Christians

would just disappear.

And some of us believed

when the rapture happened,

the Christians would

float into the sky.

So I'm curious what group

you guys are in tonight.

Who here thinks that

when the rapture happens,

the Christians will vanish?

- [CHEERING]

- All right. All right.

Who here thinks

when the rapture happens,

the Christians will

float into the sky?

[LOUDER CHEERING]

It is like

the cooler version.

But the thing we

never talked about was,

like, the speed of the float.

Like, what if we

didn't realize it was...

it was a really

slow float rapture?

Like if the rapture

happened tonight...

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, you guys aren't going anywhere.

But...

But if it did and it was

a slow float rapture,

I'd be like,

"Are people standing up?

Oh, sh*t. It's the rapture."

And how do you

get out of this building?

Do you have to, like,

swim to the exits?

You're like putting

your legs into it.

It's a slow rapture.

Some of you are reaching

for your beer to finish it.

Might be your last beer.

And then you...

you finally get outside

and continue the slow float.

You're like 15 feet in the air,

and you're like,

"Where the f*ck are we going?"

Then you start

to lower back down because you said "f*ck."

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then you hear

God's voice go,

"Just kidding.

I say 'f*ck' all the time.

"I invented f*ck."

You finally get to Heaven

and God's like,

"Welcome to f*cking Heaven!"

[ALL CHEERING]

He's wearing sunglasses,

he's got jogging shorts on,

he's a little annoying.

You weren't expecting that,

were you?

God's annoying.

After a couple days,

you're like,

"I'm sorry.

Is God annoying?"

And everyone was like,

"Oh, my God. Yes, so annoying.

"Oh, sh*t! Here he comes."

Our God is an awesome God

He's cool

He's really super cool

"How long do we

have to do this?

"Forever?"

[WHIMPERING]

All right.

It's going pretty well so far.

I feel pretty good.

- [ALL CHEERING]

- Thank you.

Thanks.

This is the part of the show

where I'm going

to take a sip of water.

Mm.

You know... dehydration

is not talked about

often enough.

I think just spontaneously,

I'm going to spend the rest

of my time here tonight

talking to you

about dehydration.

Do I have

dehydration material? No.

Is there anything inherently

funny about dehydration?

Not really.

But I have a feeling some

of you here tonight might be...

dehydrated.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]Dehydration isn't fun

In the morning

Dehydration isn't fun

At night

If drinking water

Isn't good for my body

Then Lord have mercy

I don't wanna be right

- [ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]-Dehydration isn't fun

In the morning

Dehydration isn't fun

At night

If drinking water

Isn't good for my body

Then Lord have mercy

I don't wanna be right

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

That'll be on Spotify later this week.

We have a lot of shame

about our bodies

and sexuality.

It's weird.

It's almost like innate,

in some way.

It's kind of one of the first

stories in the Bible.

Like there's a snake

with an apple

and Eve bites the apple,

and what's the first thing

that happens?

She realizes she's naked

and she feels ashamed.

It's weird.

First, I wish that the Bible

didn't start with

a snake and an apple.

It's like so Bible-y.

Like I feel like Satan

would be trickier

than to appear as a snake.

You know?

Like, I feel like

he would appear as...

like an adorable hamster.

And he wants Eve

to eat a small serving

of mashed potatoes.

Yeah.

They're the mashed potatoes

of knowledge.

It's a cooler visual, I think.

Like, Eve takes a bite of the

mashed potatoes of knowledge

and was like, "Mm.

Oh, sh*t, am I naked?"

She's got mashed potatoes

in her mouth.

Adam takes a bite

and he's like, "Mm.

"Is there sour cream in this?

"Oh, sh*t. Is that what

my bush looks like?"

And it says they felt shame.

Which is also strange

because they're the only two people that exist.

They're afraid God is going

to see them and...

What, are they afraid

that God is going to walk into the garden and be like,

"Hey, guys, I was thinking--

Oh, Jesus Christ!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Why is it so veiny?

"Did I make that?"

So it took Adam and Eve

a long time to get back their

body positivity after that.

A little bit of Bible trivia

you might not know.

Adam and Eve were

the original founders

of Olan Mills

Genital Portraiture.

[ALL CHEERING]

It was an

empowering thing for them.

So when I got to college,

I knew that I was g*y.

But I still had a lot of stuff

not worked out about it,

and I was really scared

of a lot of things. Um...

And I heard that there was this

video rental store near campus

that had a room

of dirty movies.

We're back to talking

about porn again.

The entire show

is about Jesus and porn,

and how I navigated

through those things

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

in the '90s.

[ALL CHEERING]

They had a dirty movie room,

and in that room

they had g*y dirty movies,

and I had never

seen that before.

And I was scared.

And then I learned

that the couple who ran the video rental store,

they were visually impaired.

Every tape had a little

bit of Braille on it.

So I went in

and I made my selection,

I brought it to the counter,

and she started

to run her fingers

over the dirty Braille.

And then she paused

halfway through

and I panicked and I said,

"It's for a research paper."

And her finger was just

resting on a single dot...

It was probably

the word "c*m hole".

[ALL LAUGHING]

And I was like, "Please take

your finger off the...

"off the c*m hole.

"I thought this would be

less embarrassing, but it's way worse."

When I was in college

is when, like,

the Internet was

becoming a thing,

and nobody had their own

computer in those days.

If you wanted

to get on the Internet,

you had to go

to the computer lab.

And so, I went to the

computer lab one night.

No one was really

in there but me,

and I was at a computer

all the way in the corner,

and I thought,

"I've heard there's porn

on the Internet."

So I looked up something

and a picture started to load

super slow, like, line by line.

Took forever.

And it must have

sort of hypnotized me,

because I didn't

realize that now,

like two computers down,

was a guy from

the campus church.

And he could fully

see my screen,

and he looked at me

and then back at my screen.

And like,

I want to say that

had this been just like

a nude photograph,

he probably could've pretended

that this wasn't happening.

But this photo...

was, like, so spectacular

in its vulgarity...

Like, I don't want to get

too graphic in LA on Wednesday,

but I just want to say

it was a photo of

a man's thing...

completing itself...

into another man's...

oral cavity.

I don't want to get too graphic.

My point is,

he was frozen in shock,

because this picture

was like super sharp focus.

Like, the stream

had elegance.

It was like

a sculpture of c*m.

I don't want to get

too graphic.

My point is,

he was frozen in shock,

because he was looking

at a picture of a man

just getting blasted

in the face...

with jizz.

Not to get too explicit

on a Wednesday,

but if you remember

The Rolling Stones t-shirt

with the tongue hanging out?

It was sort of like that,

but instead of

The Rolling Stones,

it was a man getting his mouth

destroyed by ej*cul*te.

All right, that went better

than I thought it would.

That's staying.

That's staying in the show.

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

So the Internet.

We've come so far.

So far, I don't even really

look at Facebook anymore.

That's a weird website now.

Facebook is like a place

where my mom post memes

that are, like,

"Happiness is in my garden."

Or she'll post a picture

of a monkey hugging a duck and put "Beautiful."

Or a cut and paste

paragraph that's like,

"Facebook does not

have my permission...

to use my information."

I'm starting

to sweat a little bit.

Or is that blood?

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Would you guys tell me

if I was bleeding from my face?

Great.

That's one less thing I can worry about.

Thank you.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

Thank you

for caring about me.

And whether or not

I'm bleeding on stage.

A man of my age

could bleed out very quickly.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Weird scientific anomaly.

I don't have

a lot of blood.

That was a joke. I have

the regular amount of blood.

I think.

How does anyone really know?

It's not like people

have a dipstick

to check

your blood levels.

And every couple of months

your dad would call

and be like, "Have you

checked your blood levels?"

And you're like, "Yes, Dad."

Even though you haven't.

You have no idea how.

[ALL CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

That old thing.

I am a really big fan

of Generation Z.

I like Gen Z a lot.

Yeah, okay.

A whole bunch of people

right here didn't do anything.

They didn't respond.

Do you not feel the same?

Who are... Okay.

Who are the Generation X

in the room tonight?

[CHEERING]

So many people in this row just

sort of like waved, annoyed.

Very Generation X.

Annoyed that I even

drew attention to them.

Who are the Millennials?

[CHEERING]

All right, yes.

That was special.

She wants to do

the wave, Millennials.

That would be very Millennial.

Are there any

Boomers here tonight?

[ALL LAUGHING]

I felt like a little bit of fear

come from this side of the room.

Like they paid

that guy to distract...

Are there any

Gen Z here tonight?

[SCATTERED CHEERING]

She's like, "Hi."

It's, like,

so emotionally intelligent.

No, I really do.

I like Gen Z a lot.

I do think we can all agree

they have super dumb haircuts.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Who am I to talk?

My hair looks like Frasier

f*cked a televangelist.

[ALL LAUGHING]

But other than that,

I really am a big fan of Gen Z.

I think you're going

to save the world.

Gen Z is totally redefining

human sexuality and I love it.

I think it's great. Yeah.

Maybe some terms

you have heard,

like polyamorous, uh,

demi sexual, Demi Lovato...

But maybe there's

some you haven't heard,

like autosexual.

Autosexual is a person

who is sexually attracted

to themselves.

And I know what

you guys are thinking.

Obviously, I am autosexual.

Guys, stop.

I love this one.

This is real cupiosexual.

I bet you haven't

heard this one.

Cupiosexual is

an asexual person

who does not want sex,

who also wants sex.

I know it's a paradox.

We need Neil deGrasse Tyson

to come out and explain

how both of these

are simultaneously possible.

Cupiosexual.

Does not want sex

and wants sex.

That's my favorite,

because I think it illustrates

how wonderfully humans

are beautifully complex

and f*cking irritating

at the same time.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Cupiosexual.

But I've learned through

all these new definitions

that I am actually not g*y.

It's true.

Now that I have

all these other terms,

g*y is too simple.

g*y is like...

rollerblading with

glow sticks.

It's not really me.

But I was resistant at first,

especially when I started

reading about the experiences

of people who are asexual.

I started to see myself

a little bit,

and I didn't want to,

because that's not cool.

I don't...

It's not sexy.

I don't want to be asexual.

Like, I feel like

an asexual person is like

a ventriloquist

that works at Staples.

That's not cool.

But I'm learning,

unlike the olden days,

it's not this or that,

pick a side, one or the other.

Everything is a spectrum.

So I now understand

that I am not asexual,

but also, I'm not quite

having the experience

that other people

seem to be having.

Like, some of you guys

are horn dogs.

[MAN WHOOPING]

I'm sorry. I meant to say

some of you guys

are corn dogs.

Who are the corn dogs

in the room?

Do we have any corn dogs?

I knew it!

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]Embrace your inner corn dog

Let the spirit

Of the corn dog

Into your heart

- [ALL CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

- Embrace your inner corn dog

Everyone.

Embrace your inner corn dog

That's ridiculous.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

I can't believe you guys went for that.

Like, wholeheartedly.

It's because there's a lot

of corn dogs here tonight.

No, I understand that

on this spectrum of sexualness,

I'm right in the middle.

And that's called graysexual

and I don't like that either.

Gray... sexual.

That's not cute.

That's not sexy.

Gray.

Like my p*nis is gray...

and shiny.

Belongs on a dolphin.

[IMITATING DOLPHIN SOUNDS]

That might be the worst dolphin

impression I've ever done.

I don't know

what that sound was.

I feel about sex,

sort of how I feel about

Hallmark holiday movies.

Like I don't want to watch that,

but if we

start watching it...

I'll slowly start to see myself

in the big city girl

who returns to her small town

and learns a magic life lesson.

And then cums.

I stopped the metaphor

right before that last part.

I should have told you.

I was going to do that.

And hey, listen,

all of this is not just

for LGBTQIA+ people.

It's for everyone.

Take this one. Demisexual.

Demisexual just means

that you need

an emotional connection

to feel aroused.

We used to call that

a party pooper.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now it's demisexual, so own it.

Or how about this one?

A heterosexual man...

Heterosexual,

but who is also bi, or even h*m*.

Meaning he's heterosexual,

but in his heart

there's a place for the same sex.

Ladies, some of you

dated this guy in your 20s.

His name was Nigel.

He rolled his own cigarettes.

Listened to Ani DiFranco.

[ALL LAUGHING]

There he is!

I knew one of them was here.

So why talk about this stuff?

Why do we have to make these

personal things out in the open?

I think that

knowing yourself better

will make the world better.

That's how I feel about it.

- Like, can you imagine? Yeah.

- [ALL CHEERING]

Can you imagine if straight men,

specifically, just were allowed

to know themselves better,

we wouldn't have to deal with

so many unnecessary podcasts.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So no, I'm not g*y.

I'm demisexual, graysexual,

polyamorous, h*m*.

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Now, listen.

It's not always great.

When I was just g*y

and a relationship didn't work,

I could be like, "You know what?

Men are weird. It's not me."

Now that I'm demi, graysexual,

polyamorous, h*m*,

and a relationship

doesn't work,

I'm like,

"Nope, it's just me.

I'm impossible."

But I know myself better,

and I feel like that

makes my life better.

I was dating this guy

and I decided,

knowing this about myself,

I'm going to put in

some effort for him.

And I sort of created this

like sex character for him,

and I think I took it

a little bit too far.

I started to

pull things out of him

that weren't there before.

And one time,

he spit in my mouth.

And in my sex character,

I said, "f*ck, yeah!"

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then he immediately

did it again.

And I thought,

"Oh, words matter."

[ALL LAUGHING]

There are more

bodily fluids available,

and I don't like

where this is headed.

So you guys,

I put a lot of thought

if I wanted to talk about

this stuff in my show.

Because it's personal.

And I thought,

you know what?

If I put out into the world

that I don't really think

about sex that much,

then a lot of people

are not going to want to have sex with me.

And that's when I realized

I'm also cupiosexual.

[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

I get it.

I don't want it,

but I want it.

I think some of you

might be thinking that

cupiosexual is

just being married.

You're like,

you want it...

but you don't want

that sh*t.

I don't want to get up

and brush my teeth...

for this.

That's how I feel, though.

Like, I don't want it,

but I do want it.

I want you to want it.

I'm like FOMO...

I'm FOMOsexual.

I just want to know

what you guys are doing.

I've always sort of felt like

a weird alien observer.

I fully expect at some point,

I'm going to find like a zipper

on the back of my head

and be like, "Ugh! Finally!"

Zip. [GROWLS AND GURGLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

If you're thinking,

you know what?

Keep some things private.

This is embarrassing.

This is all very cringey.

Guess what?

You are cringey.

If you are... [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

If you are a human,

you are cringey.

To be human is to cringe.

We're an organism that evolved

to become conscious,

only to look back

at ourselves and go...

"Ew."

[ALL LAUGHING]

So be yourself.

It's all you'll ever have

that's worth having.

[ELECTRONICALLY MODIFIED VOICE]

Me, me, me, me, me.

I used to work

At the Olive Garden...

[ALL CHEERING]

And the main takeaway

Is people can eat

A lot of f*cking breadsticks

You're on basket number five

How are you still alive?

Death by breadsticks

Everyone!

Death by breadsticks

[ALL CHEERING]

You're going to go

To breadstick hell

Eat breadsticks there

as well

Death by breadsticks

There used to be

A manager named Pam

And Pam used to make

My life a living hell

She'd be like

" Did you fill

Your salt and peppers?"

I'm like, "No, Pam

It's Olive Garden"

[ALL LAUGHING]

People are here for cheese."

Death by breadsticks

One time after a shift

Pam was like

"I need everyone to roll

An extra 100 silverware."

And all the servers

Got together

And just showed Pam the

Same f*cking tray of silverware

[ALL LAUGHING]

Soft and staccato.

Death by breadsticks

Now, just the girls.

Death by breadsticks

Now just the guys.

ALL MEN:Death by breadsticks...

[ALL LAUGHING]

You guys, I'm really sorry.

I didn't mean to end the show

in such a weird note.

Let's bring it back together

with something

we can all agree on.

Breadsticks are delicious

[ALL CHEERING]

You can dip them

in alfredo sauce

And then Pam is like

"Did you charge that table

For alfredo sauce?

Death by breadsticks

Many years later

I saw Pam

At the grocery store

And Pam rolled up like

"Hey, what's going on, Kevin?"

I was like

"Pam, we're not cool."

Death by breadsticks

Beautiful harmonies.

Death by breadsticks

- [ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

- [IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you so much.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]