02x01 - One Flew Out of The Kookum's Nest

[bunniefuu]

Agnes: Ahh-chi!

Look at those big cheeks.

Rose:

Ooh, I just wanna squish 'em.

I'm gonna put you

in my bingo bag

and take you home.

Yes, I will.

- (mother clearing throat)

- Agnes: Sorry.

Yeah, sorry for looking

at your baby too hard.

I've seen cuter babies anyways.

Rose:

Way cuter.

I'm so sorry that Paul ran away

when he thought

that you were pregnant.

Didn't even stick around to find

out it was a false positive.

If I had a grandbaby for

every time that Paul ran away,

I'd be the king of kookums.

Have you even heard from him?

Nah.

He's too scared.

He wouldn't show

his face around here,

but, don't worry.

I've even got spotters

at the airport.

He's broke and a coward.

How's he gonna get back here?

Mail himself?

(laughing)

Imagine the size of the box.

Imagine the cost of shipping.

(both laughing)

(thumping)

(grunting)

Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

All night long ♪

Roger (on radio): This is

Laughingstick In the Morning,

and it's nomination day

in Grouse Lake.

Everyone wants to know

who will challenge Deedee

to become our next Chief.

I'm supervising the process

all day long,

so here's Uncle Bullshit

and the Time Wasters,

with their nine-hour song,

"Ain't Got Nowhere Else To Go".

(muffled singing)

(Paul clearing throat)

Whoa!

You look way bigger, bro.

Fok man, why didn't you pay

for faster shipping?

I was in that box forever.

Oh, they told me

you're a heavy item.

I don't have big box money, bro.

Shut up, c*ck nose!

What's up, fat face?

(both grunting and laughing)

Man, everyone's

gonna be pissed at me.

I'm gonna go hide out

in the lodge.

No way, man.

You can't get into

any of those rooms.

Remember those dogs

that had puppies in the tub?

Well, those puppies had puppies

and those puppies

are big and hungry now.

Are you serious?

Whole lodge shut down.

Just stay in here, bro.

There's lots of room.

Are those buckets labelled

number one and number two

because that's

your favourite bucket

and that's your second

favourite bucket?

Yeah, sure, man.

Ah, fok it!

I'm gonna go stay with Brady.

Hang on, bro!

Brady left.

Went to go remarry his ex,

Prank Wife.

Turns out the whole wedding

was a prank.

That's rough, bro.

I'll say.

And then the North Store

sent him up to Norway House.

Those Cree aunties

are gonna eat him alive!

Just go stay with Rose, man.

She'll take took you back,

even though you broke

her sleep apnea machine.

Hey, man!

She's the one

that wanted to dress up

as fighter pilots

for Halloween, not me.

Oh, you looked deadly, bro.

I'll figure something out.

Hey, hey.

Nominate Deedee.

My girl,

what are you handing out?

Nothing.

I don't need

to give anything cool away.

Okay, gotcha.

Nothing cool.

(laughing)

Jo:

Seriously, Mom?

I don't need

no damn voting potatoes.

- Hm!

- (sighing)

I just hope you get

a second nomination.

I already got Lips.

Deedee: Lips!

Have a CD.

I can be your second.

It would be embarrassing

if a family member endorsed me.

I need a rando to do it,

not my mom.

Who?

Willard over there'll do it.

Agnes: Not even, you had

his Christmas lights shut off.

How can Christmas lights

be too bright?

They were way over

the legal limit.

Besides, Norma's got me.

Agnes: Not even!

You shut down

her kid's lemonade stand,

and they were calling you,

"Native Karen."

Those brats

didn't even have a permit.

Good ol' Ray won't let me down.

Agnes:

Took away his trampoline.

That wasn't me.

The wind blew it away.

Took away his chicken coop,

took away his crossbow,

fined her for burning grass

and fined him for smoking it.

He was standing right in front

of the Head Start.

Well, that's everyone

in the gym, Jo.

Ma, if you wanna take your mind

off the nominations,

just go give out

one of your potatoes.

Mm.

People love my potatoes.

(laughing)

Isn't he beautiful?

He is as beautiful

as the sun and the stars

reflecting off grandfather lake.

Let's name him, Paul.

That's the name

of a simple coward.

(spitting)

No, he needs something mighty.

Let's call him "Comanche."

But that's already

the name of your horse.

Then "Comanche Part Two."

(sighing)

What is it?

I'm just worried

that you'll have to leave again

and I'll be alone

with Comanche Part Two.

It is true.

I am at the mercy of the wind,

but now that I'm a proud father

I shall stay right here.

- (baby crying)

- Oh, Tatanka.

Stephen: Rose.

Rose?

Rose?

I got you a music box.

It plays

The Restless Wind theme.

Oh, thanks!

Ooh, I love it.

So, I was thinking about,

you know

Stephen Harper,

you were doing so good.

You went two whole weeks

without talking about him.

Just never know

when Paul might be back.

(sighing)

Paul, get in here!

Ugh!

Way to go, Stephen Harper!

Rose, I know you're mad.

Before you kick me out,

I just wanna tell you

I'm ready to take you back.

Get out!

Whoa, maybe take a minute

to think about it first.

- (cracking)

- h*'ley!

I was just f*cking around.

- You took off on me again?

- At least he's consistent.

And now you're back because

you need a place to stay.

You know what you are, Paul?

f*ck' hobo-sexual.

Not even!

I've got lots of places to go.

In fact,

I'm the opposite of that.

I'm a a home-o-sexual.

What!?

Because of all the homes I have,

and, how they make me sexual.

(stammering)

Rose, just give him a chance.

Ugh. Why?

The guy's scared of babies.

Babies are scary.

They have sharp nails

and soft heads.

You're the beans

to my wieners, Rose.

No, he's the beans

to my wieners.

- We're back together.

- We are?!

- You are?

- Yeah, we are.

Can I run that by Paul first?

Okay, fine!

You're back with Stephen Harper.

I guess I'll just move back

into my giant box

and have to use my hat

as a toilet again.

- Err.

- Toilet hat?

Be careful.

That's how I got pink eye.

Thanks for nothin',

Stephen Harper.

(crowd applauding)

Easy!

He's not a judge.

Roger:

Welcome to nomination day.

You know the drill.

To get on the ballot,

you need two nominations

from registered band members.

Speaking of band members,

we'll start with our incumbent,

Chief Deedee.

(crowd applauding)

That's two!

The Chair recognizes

your eligibility.

Who the heck's cousin are you?

He's not even from here.

Yeah!

Get him out of here.

Screw you, and you.

- Screw you.

- (grunting)

The Chair does not recognize

your eligibility.

Councillor Jo?

Does Jo have

a second nomination?

Come on!

(laughing nervously)

Norma.

Willard!

Ray?

The wind blew your trampoline

away, not Chief and Council.

(laughing)

Wow.

And I thought my rez was tough.

(panting)

(breathing deeply)

(sighing)

Oh, it's good to be home.

Bruce:

Yeah, I'll say.

♪

Freak show.

What are you doing in my house?

Shouldn't you be at

the North Store

doin' a bunch of meat stuff?

Easy, big guy.

It's my day off.

And, this isn't your house.

It's your mom's.

I have my own door.

- Well, it's my door now.

- f*ck it!

I'ma just say sorry to my ma

and everything

will be good again.

Ma!

Ma!

When you bounced, your mom

was hella mad at you, bro.

So she just gave you my house?

I rented it, bro.

Or, step-bro?

Hmph! I'm not

your step-anything, bro.

Well, if you're so angry,

you can stay.

You want some, uh,

almost expired capicola?

Of course!

I want almost expired capicola.

It's the Champagne of meats.

(crowd chattering)

Rose!

Oh, thank creator, you're here.

Can you be my second nomination?

Uh, I'm really sorry, Jo.

I see Stephen Harper

standing up.

h*'ley fok.

Yeah.

Sorry, Jo.

Do we have a second nomination

for Stephen Harper?

The Chair recognizes

Stephen Harper's eligibility.

Stephen Harper?

He'll be the best leader ever!

If that's all our candidates,

then all that's left to do

is to open up the floor

to any final questions.

(whispering)

Lips!

- I need you to stall!

- On it.

I have a question.

Um, what number

am I thinking of?

I know what you're up to.

That's a stupid question.

Yeah, you're just trying

to stall.

- Is it six?

- No.

- Man: Seven.

- Man two: Two.

- Woman: Seven!

- Woman two: Three!

Cashier: I don't know.

Let me ask the manager.

Is there, uh,

some sort of problem?

Nah, man.

Actually, Dean, we have

an opening at the North Store,

and since you're

the movie man

Fok'n right I am.

And I hear

you help run the lodge.

Actually, some dogs

run the lodge now.

I don't know what that means,

but, Agnes tells me

you have

a real entrepreneurial eye.

Uh, not anymore.

I got drops for that.

Dean, I'm trying to ask you

if would you be interested

in a job?

- Really?

- Yeah.

Yeah, and listen.

I'll be honest.

We need to do a diversity hire.

Dude, you're like

the only white guy up here.

You are the diversity.

Well, I I can't fight you on

that. (laughing)

Listen. Why don't you take some

time and think it over?

Hey, Greg.

Tell you what.

Oh, you have an answer already.

That's gonna be

a hard fok'n pass.

See, I don't wanna be

a corporate sell-out,

buttoned down, corn-fed,

uptight, button pushin',

marshmallow m*therf*cker.

As long as the people

out there need movies,

the movie man'll live on.

It pays 15 dollars an hour.

Can I go on break now?

Where's the TV, man?

What do you even do

for fun around here?

Wanna play Find The Meat?

I hide.

You find.

- It's not that hard.

- No.

I don't wanna play

Hide The Meat!

Neither do I, man.

It's called

"Find The Meat."

Whatever, fok.

You're sad 'cause

you miss the way things were.

I felt the same way after

the great lice fire of 2011.

Burnt my lice farm

down to the ground.

But my new one's

kickin' a*s though.

There are lice in here?

Yeah, they're my guys.

There's eight generations

of 'em in there.

Oh, look.

There's Lil' Petey.

He's got nine thousand kids.

Paul: Well, Bruce, uh,

I'ma make like a tree,

and I'ma f*ck off.

Oh, hang on.

There's a lot

of real estate up there.

My lice could use that.

Yeah, but, uh, no hair, right?

Lice don't actually

f*ck with the hair.

They like the meat.

Where you goin', bro?

(sighing)

Don't worry, boys.

I don't know

what his problem is either.

♪

Jo: And not only that,

but I'll get us better access

to social services,

more opportunities for housing.

And just last year,

I got an exercise machine

for the Skinny Teens.

Mm, those guys

are so jacked now.

That's because I'm assertive.

Every good Chief

has to be assertive.

So what are you gonna do for me?

You name it and you got it.

You know what pisses me off?

- That Norma.

- Oh?

Always sitting

outside the band office,

stealing that Wi-Fi?

Tell her to go home.

Okay, yeah.

I'll tell Lips to handle it.

Yeah, can't trust that Norma.

So, will you come to the gym

and be my second nomination?

- Oh, I don't vote.

- What?

Nah, you wouldn't want

my nomination.

I'm an ex-con.

Okay, Rita.

Locked up for insider trading.

- Sure, Rita.

- Had a billion dollars.

Was gonna give the money

to my Oka friends,

but the feds caught me.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- Eighteen?

- No.

- Son of a bits!

- Order!

We're here for an election.

We're gonna go with 383.

- Nope.

- What are you guys smoking?

(crowd chattering)

- No.

- (Agnes laughing)

Screw you, Lips.

I'm gonna count to three,

and if you don't stop

Has anyone said "three"?

- Woman: 17.

- Woman two: 27.

Lips: I'm sorry.

Still no.

Woman: Not 20.

Hey, man.

No littering.

It's called "loitering,"

dumb a*s.

Why are you wearing

that stupid vest?

I work here.

Yeah, it is stupid, eh?

How long you been

working here for?

Oh 15 bucks.

Let me loiter.

I got nowhere to go.

Okay, man, if Greg asks,

you tell him

I told you to leave, okay?

I'm not scared of Flanders.

He's comin'.

The vest touched the floor.

Well, now I have to burn it.

- Oh, hey, bro.

- Oh! Hey, Dean.

- Let me show you something.

- Hey, man.

This is like the fifth time

you talked to me today.

Are we always

gonna be talkin' or what?

Probably, uh,

because I'm your boss.

If you say so, bro.

(whispering)

Thank you for your service.

Okay, so, you know how

the Internet is bad up here,

and people can't stream.

Well, yeah, man, that's why

I bring people movies.

Right!

Well, check this out.

(laughing excitedly)

I just wanna introduce you

to someone.

This is our Tommy Box.

The fok's a Tommy?

This is a DVD rental box.

Yeah, it's gonna change the way

that people get their movies

in Grouse Lake.

You can put away those USBs

you keep obsessing about

because, now, this bad boy

can do that for ya.

- Hmm.

- f*ck Lil' Tony, am I right?

Did I

Did I say that right?

Well, I will, uh, leave you two

to get acquainted.

Bullshit selection.

"Scrub the Bog, Guvnah!"

- Paul: Ow, f*ck!

- Trash.

Jo:

Good afternoon, shoppers.

It's your councillor Jo.

Hope you're enjoying

your shopping experience

or whatever.

Anyway, who wants to come

nominate me for Chief?

Well, I didn't approve of this.

Nobody?

Oh, come on.

(whispering)

Hey!

I'll pay for your groceries

if you come nominate me.

Oh, f*ck off.

Jo: Who wants to come

nominate me for Chief?

Migwetch!

What an honour it is

to be your elected Chief.

None of this

would've been possible

without my brother, Paul.

It is fair to say

that he showed us

it's okay to run away

when things get tough.

My first act as elected Chief

is to allow him to live

in whatever home he wants,

for he is not a hobo-sexual.

(crowd applauding)

Jo: And finally, the national

body mass index limit,

which is based on

weight and height,

should be much higher!

(crowd applauding and cheering)

Crowd: Paul, Paul, Paul,

Paul, Paul, Paul.

Greg: Paul?

Paul!

Paul.

Paul!

(grunting)

I'm up!

I was really rooting

for you to wake up there.

Mostly because you can't loiter,

but also because

this lovely couple

would like to buy that couch.

Okay, but

I'm keeping the blanket!

Yeah, I'm

I'm okay with that.

It's your blanket.

You brought it with you.

What the fok's a "Camberwell"?

(powering down)

(powering up)

- (crowd chattering)

- Fourteen?

- Woman: 79

- Not even close.

Thousand?

Fourteen thousand?

Jo: Forget about it.

It's over.

I didn't find

a second nomination.

- (gavel slamming)

- Order! Jo's back.

If there's no second nomination,

then we'll close

the proceedings.

Ma!

Don't you dare.

Roger: Going once,

going twice, going

- Paul: Wait!

- (woman gasping)

- (crowd chattering)

- I

- Paul Bittern, nominate

- No, Paul!

My biological sister,

Josephine Bittern,

to run for Chief!

Yeesh!

Nomination accepted for Jo.

Ma!

I'm back.

- Agnes: You damn baby leaver!

- (gavel hitting)

The Chair recognizes

your eligibility.

Well, if that's it

(tires squealing)

- (rock music playing)

- Woman: What's this?

Not so fast.

♪

Agnes: (gasping)

It's Cousin Leon!

Roger: Who wants to nominate

Cousin Leon?

Right here.

Now, who's my second?

- Crowd: Me!

- Woman: Me, me, me!

- (gavel hitting)

- (crowd chattering)

The Chair recognizes

your eligibility.

Fok'n rights.

Crowd:

Yeah!

Roger:

Evening, Grouse Lake.

That was one

heck of a ride today.

The campaign for Chief

is gonna be a good one.

Chief Deedee, Stephen Harper,

Jo, Cousin Leon.

Some guy from way up north

also tossed his hat in the ring

before we busted him.

Too bad.

He had a face for TV.

But, in much bigger news,

we still don't know what number

Lips was thinkin' of.

Good thing we got him

right here.

They can't see you, Lips.

Hi, everyone.

The phones are lighting up fast,

so call in and tell us

what number he's thinkin' of.

Caller, go ahead.

Dean:

Eleven?

- Nope.

- Dean: Twelve?

Hey, hey!

Only one number per call.

Put on a pot of coffee,

Grouse Lake.

It's gonna be a long night.

♪

Always did our shoppin' ♪

At the Northern Store ♪

Prices were so high ♪

We couldn't hardly pay ♪

Lard and flour ♪

Baking powder ♪

Often there was nothing

left to buy a can of beans ♪

Always hate it ♪

Eating bannock

without beans ♪

Bannock without

beans, yeah ♪

Bannock without beans ♪

Went out to trap line ♪

Beaver's trapped and trap

the rat ♪

Lots of Vaseline ♪