05x09 - It's a Wonderful Christmas Carol: Part One

[bunniefuu]

- Ooh, what's going on?
- Uh, Sam and Jay

are on high alert for
another Christmas possession,

so they're playing it safe and not

going near any electronics this year.

Which I'm trying not to take personally.

I'm the reason your mother-in-law

likes you now, you ingrate.

MARK: So you just want me to plug this

- Christmas village in?
- SAMANTHA: Uh-huh.

- That's right.
- Better safe than sorry.

This puppy draws a lot of current.

You know I'm gonna have to
charge you my regular rate.

Plus the holiday surcharge.

Yes, we are aware of that.

Alberta, what are you doing?

I'm getting behind Mark in case
he gets shocked and thrown back.

You're trying to possess him?

But this is our first
Christmas together as a couple.

Oh, we'll be together.

I'll just be in Mark.

Man, it would be so
cool to possess someone.

I've had the munchies
for, like, half a century.

I'm a pacifist but I'd
m*rder somebody for a Pringle.

Okay, here goes nothing.

Mm...

Huh.

Damn it! Mama wanted a Sazerac.

Okay, so I'll send you guys a bill.

- Merry Christmas, Mark.
- Mm-hmm.

- Look, Trevor, way in the back.
- Mm?

The orthodontist has a
little menorah in the window.

TREVOR: I want to say that's
an offensive stereotype,

but he looks a lot like Dr. Rosenblatt.

♪

NANCY: This dope.

Furiously buying gifts on December 23rd

that can be here by tomorrow.

It's like this every year.
When's he gonna learn?

Okay, you are not gonna believe this.

I just got off the
phone with the publisher,

and apparently, a booker on All Day USA

listened to my Todd Pod interview,

and he wants to include
my book in a segment

on last-minute gift ideas.

[GASPS] It's crazy how
long some people wait.

He didn't get you the
Jenni Kayne sweater

'cause it was already sold out.

Hope you enjoy your Best Buy gift card.

Samantha, this is huge for our book.

Me... a stocking stuffer. Huzzah!

This is incredible,
babe. I'm so proud of you.

And we ghosts shall be able
to witness the interview

in person, for it shall take place here,

in the mansion that I built.

I mean, you didn't actually
do any of the labor.

I married the man that signed the checks

that paid for the gruel that
fueled those young child workers.

Hm. Sort of a sad little nursery rhyme.

I'm so nervous and so excited.

I mean, national television.
What am I gonna wear?

Maybe see what they have at the
women's department at Best Buy.

[INSTRUMENTAL "WE WISH YOU
A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

It's so cozy.

Everyone has hot cocoa in Christmastown.

Mm. Even that baby.
That don't seem safe.

- Hm.
- Thor have questions.

It about gift for Flower.

ALBERTA: What the hell?

Whoa. Did I do that?

Step back for a second,
Thor. I want to see something.

Okay, now come closer again.

- [GASPS]
- Whoa.

This is wild.

Thor, your ghost power
must be interacting

with the electrical
grid in Christmastown.

Yes. Thor feel power
surging through body.

- Ow!
- [LAUGHS]

Okay, let's get you away from this thing

before you burn down the whole house.

Yeah.

Wait, what were you
asking? Something about a...

Christmas gift for Flower?

Yeah, I really want to wow
her, but not know what to get.

Well, what'd you get her last year?

Coupon for intercourse. And candle.

So, yeah, bar set pretty high.

Okay. Has Flower mentioned

anything in particular that she wants?

Mm, world peace. And also food.

She often mention how she
have munchies for many years.

ALBERTA: Well, unfortunately,
there's no way to enjoy food

or Sazeracs short of
possessing a Living.

- Mm.
- Interesting.

So, you're saying
Thor should help Flower

possess Living for Christmas.

[SCOFFS QUIETLY] I mean,
if you could pull that off,

that'd be a pretty amazing gift.

Yes! Then it is decided.

Thor will get Flower
in Living for Christmas.

And sex coupon. 'Cause tradition.

- Hello, all.
- [ALL EXCLAIM]

Every time.

You have got to learn how
to enter a room, woman.

Oh, I see it's not just the downstairs.

This room also reeks of Christmas.

- What are you so upset about?
- Uh, the tree,

the decorations,

the general merriment
that is so clearly afoot.

Wait, the merriment is a foot?

Huh. So Steven Stills
had a merriment fetish.

I'm confused. Don't
Puritans love Christmas?

Puritans love Christmas?

Oh, I would laugh, t'were
that not a trick the devil uses

to enter thine body.

No, there's only one proper
way to celebrate Christmas.

Which is not at all.

You see, Puritans believed that

to revel was a gateway to sin.

Buckle up, it's time for another
depressing history lesson.

So, on Christmas,

there was no mirth in sight.

Shops remained open,

work continued unabated,

and you would be fined
for doing anything

even close to celebrating.

Ah, 'twas wonderful.

Well you've given us
all a lot to think about.

And then came the tinsel.

Oh, it's still going. Fun!

How you feeling, babe... you ready?

- Today's the big day.
- I'm freaking out, Jay.

You should be nervous. This interview

is huge for both of us.

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY] National television.

Thousands of people could be watching.

- It could be millions.
- My God.

The 13 colonies must be
bursting at the seams.

Hey, you got this, babe.

And you can put the toothbrush down.

The mayor's car is clean.

Hey, why do you think he
drives such a fancy car?

You think he's taking
bribes for permits?

"Peppermits"? [GIGGLES]

- Is this helping, Sam?
- No.

I'm sorry, Jay, I just really
need to collect my thoughts.

All right, but you're
gonna do great, babe.

- You think?
- I know it.

Oh. "Peppermits."

That's-that's good. Yeah, I get it.

Sam, you got moment?

- She's kind of in a mood.
- I'm a little busy, Thor.

THORFINN: Just need little
help with Flower gift.

Want to ask your opinion.

I'm sure whatever you
have in mind is perfect.

Okay, but Thor want to tell you

and then have extensive
conversation where you tell Thor

- how you feel about idea.
- You know what, Thor,

why don't you just
let us all be surprised

so we can experience
the gift, whatever it is,

along with Flower.

Yes. Great idea, Isaac.
Surprise Flower. Surprise me.

- And have a merry Christmas.
- THORFINN: Okay.

And, um... Flower! Come in here.

Oh, it's happening right now.

Hey, Thor, what's up?

Stand there. By Samantha.

- Okay.
- [GRUNTING SOFTLY]

What's going on?

Thor?

Merry Christmas, Flower!

Oh... dear.

Whoa.

Am I wearing a bra?

Hey, who shaved my pits, man?

SAMANTHA: Okay, something
very weird is going on.

Is it less pink in here? [SNIFFS]

Does it smell less like patchouli?

Flower, you are inside of Sam.

This giant animal used

his ghost power to channel electricity

from the Christmas village

and hurl Sam's body through you,

thus resulting in yet
another Christmas possession.

[GASPS] Thor, you did that for me?

- Aw.
- No! Not "aw."

Samantha has a very important
interview about our book

and we need you out
of her body, posthaste.

Interview? Uh, Thor not
know about interview.

Thor, what did you do?

- Samantha?
- Yeah, it's me.

And you're in big trouble.

But you tell Thor to surprise you.

Yes, because I didn't
think you meant this.

Okay, so you were surprised.

Sort of seem like mission accomplished.

Now that that
misunderstanding is cleared up,

- we can take care of this.
- Right.

Okay, Flower, I'm gonna
drive you over the boundary

and get you out of my body.

Wait. Flower have
munchies for many years.

Please just let her eat one thing.

Make Thor's Christmas gift complete.

[SIGHS] Fine.

Flower, you can have one thing.

But then I want my body back,

and I can't keep saying
this every Christmas.

[SIGHS]

Okay, Flower, it's your time to shine.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa. Did it used to
be more pink in here?

Flower, take bite of
cookie and satisfy munchies.

Okay.

Mmm.

Wow. That is so good.

What's going on?

Flower possess Sam,

part of very generous
Christmas gift from Thor.

[GRUNTS]

Okay. Flower, you've had your fun,

but it's time to go.

How long has she been in there?

- Couple of minutes.
- What? That's not long enough.

ISAAC: Samantha has a very
important interview in an hour

- and she needs to focus.
- NANCY: An hour?

That's plenty of time.
Flower, listen to me.

Run to the light and
shut the door behind you.

No, no, there's not time...

[GRUNTS]

Whoa. Hey, Nancy.

How's it going?

Please excuse my hairless pits.

Okay, Nancy, you're not
being helpful right now.

I'm just looking after my girl.

When you possessed that
workman back in the 1800s,

you were in that dude for days.

What I do inside a of dude
is none of your business.

- Oh...
- Everyone stop!

This not problem.

Flower can have her fun

then before interview,

she leaves Sam body. Right, Flower?

Wait.

Where she go?

Flower has absconded with Sam's body.

Hell yeah! Drive it like
you stole it, Flower.

[LAUGHS]: Oh! Whoo!

You disgust me, fat man.

Oh. Hey, Patience. Oh,
you left just in time.

They're upstairs singing "The
Twelve Days of Christmas."

I had to get out of there.

Trevor also have disdain for the
vile celebration of this holiday?

Well, I didn't want to
say anything in front of

the others. I prefer to let you
corner the wet blanket market.

Oh, thank you. 'Tis kind of my thing.

But, if I'm being honest,

I'm not the biggest
fan of Christmas either.

Really?

I was, like, the only Jewish
kid in my town growing up.

And so, when the holidays rolled
around, I always felt a little

like I didn't belong.

And in elementary school,
every Christmas pageant,

they made me stand up alone and
sing "Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel."

Ugh. Patience understands.

It's like that winter when I
was spared from the great pox

but all of my siblings perished.

Why not me?

Yeah. Um...

not exactly the same.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you for talking with me, Trevor.

Patience is... enjoying herself.

Yeah. But not too much, right?

[LAUGHS]

Thou gets it.

So, yeah, Flower's running
around in a brand new Sam suit.

Oh, that lucky son of a b*tch.

- Mark, that could have been us.
- [SCOFFS]

Oh, hi, Mark. Hey, David.

Is that Woodstone? That looks amazing.

I helped build it.

We've been working on it
for the last few weeks.

My kid wants to be a contractor,

so we started with a gingerbread house.

What do we say after we're done?

- We'll send you an invoice.
- [JAY LAUGHS]

That is so cute.

But you're not really
charging me, right?

- No, it's a gift. Merry Christmas.
- [DOOR OPENS]

- [EXHALES]
- Hi.

Gary from All Day USA.

We're here to interview Sam Arondekar.

- That's gonna be difficult.
- Great. Well, I'm Jay.

I'm Sam's husband. Uh, yeah,
she was around here. Sam!

[SOFT CHUCKLE] Sam!

I'll just go look for her.

Follow the smell of burning bras.

You'll find her.

Amanda, you're an amazing person.

And the love that you
put out into the universe

is gonna come back to you tenfold.

Oh. Wow, thank you.

I had no idea you were so spiritual.

Yeah, I once slept with
the Dalai Lama's brother.

What is happening right now?

I'd say Samantha got into my laudanum,

but I don't think it has
that kind of shelf life.

SAMANTHA: Oh. Hey, Gabe.
How's it going, man?

Good.

Say, listen, do you know anywhere

that someone could score around here?

Aw, I just cook.

Oh, come on, Gabe. I'm cool.

I heard pot's a lot stronger these days.

I haven't smoked any since the sixties.

How old are you?

Oh, my God, the crazy b*stard did it.

Flower, is that you?

Yeah, it's me. Hi, guys.

- What?
- Oh, sorry,

I was just talking to my
friend who used to be a virgin.

But he's invisible to you.

Okay. I want what you have.

Why is the virgin thing germane?

What is going on?

Thor wanted to help Flower
possess someone for Christmas,

- and I guess he did it.
- Oh...

So, can you hook it up or not?

Look, I have something,

but it might be a little intense.

[SCOFFS] Dude, I used to
party with Bobby and Jerry.

I hugged a bear after Woodstock
and lived to talk about it.

No, no, you didn't.

The point is I can handle it.

Okay.

It's called Mistletoe.

- Whoa.
- GABE: You just put this

under your tongue and when you see God,

tell him Gabe said, "What's up?"

- Flower, here comes Jay.
- [GASPS]

- Who?
- Um, God?

Our heavenly father?

There you are.

We got to get you
back to the house, Sam.

What are you doing back here?

Oh, I was just getting drugs from Gabe.

[LAUGHS] That's hilarious.

Come on, let's go.

We should probably go watch this.

Oh, hell yeah.

So, then I said to Goody Mather

that I could finish
the quilt by sunrise.

Oh, my candle did burn low that night.

I love it. You got that grind mentality.

- You knoweth it.
- I got to say,

Patience, even though this
is not my favorite season,

I'm having a pretty good time.

I guess it's true what they
say: misery loves company.

Oh, indeed.

She also loved making
little corn husk dolls.

And saying the Lord's Prayer.

Misery was a woman of many hobbies.

[LAUGHS] You're meshugana.

[GASPS] What's that?

Oh, it's a Yiddish word.

Yiddish is sort of like Hebrew.

I've always had an interest in Hebrew.

You know, the language He spoke.

Well, I don't really
know that much Hebrew.

I can count to ten.

Oh. I would very much

like to hear that sometime.

It's cool that you're so
interested in Jewish stuff.

I know a little about Puritan stuff.

I went on a field trip
to a colonial village

in the fifth grade. My favorite part:

the butter churning.

- Mm.
- But I could never quite get it.

- The...
- Oh.

[LAUGHS]: You're not
gonna get butter like that.

No, 'tis less of a circular motion

and more like this.

One, two, three. 'Tis
important to keep a rhythm.

One, two, three.

Perhaps count with me,

in the language of your people.

If that's what you want.

Echad, shtayim, shalosh...

Slower.

Echad, shtayim,

shalosh.

I think the butter is firming.

Hell yeah it is.

You know, makeup is just
a tool the patriarchy uses

to keep women down, man.

- Are you okay, babe?
- [CHUCKLES] Oh!

Wow. Your beard is so soft.

Okay. Thor very happy you
like Christmas present,

but time to let Sam do
interview now, Flower.

And... she's asleep.

JAY: Babe?

They're ready for you, Sam.

[WHISPERS]: Sam!

[GASPS]

- You ready?
- Yeah, man.

Groovy.

This is gonna be a train wreck.

All right, here we are.
Walter, this is Sam.

Hey. Walter Storm, All Day USA.

Very nice to meet you.

I had them set us up here in front of

this gingerbread
house. Pretty cool, huh?

Cool.

Okay.

Babe, you got this.

Someone get him out of the shot.

[GRUNTS] Jay! Flower's inside me.

- Do something.
- Oh, uh, hey, actually,

can we just have five more minutes?

Nope. We're live in five,

four, three...

[MOUTHING]

And we're live here with
author Samantha Arondekar

to talk to her about her
historical fiction book

- about vampires.
- [GASPS]

Oh, no! Not vampires.

They're scary.

What kind of historical research
did you do for the novel?

- Um, seven.
- What?

Teen.

Seventeen.

I'm sorry?

Tell him you unearthed

previously undiscovered

primary source documents.

I found something in the earth.

Was that good?

Uh, moving on to theme.

What was it about vampires

that, uh, piqued your interest?

Whoa. Is that a giant cookie house?

[GASPS]

What is she doing to
the gingerbread house?

I... I don't know.

Thor, the chimney tastes amazing.

Okay, sweetie, I think that's enough.

- No...
- Hey, get your own cookie house, man!

Um, Sam...

[SAMANTHA GRUNTING]

- It's like watching Godzilla
- Oh!

trample Candy Land.

- Okay. The book is
- No... Sam, Sam...

Isaac Higgintooth: Colonial Vampire.

Available online and at bookstores now.

Pick up yours today.

Impressive composure under
difficult circumstances.

- He's a pro.
- Mm.

SASAPPIS: You made out with Patience?

There was Hebrew and churning.

Things got out of hand. We
just couldn't stop ourselves.

This is a wild turn of events.

And now I'm freaking out because,

you know, it's Patience.

Puritans don't do casual hookups.

She probably thinks we're engaged now.

Trevor, we need to speak.

I wanted to talketh about
what happened earlier.

About our...

sensual union.

- I should go.
- Please stay.

I hath prayed on it, and I
have come to the conclusion...

... that we cannot be together.

Oh. I mean...

Oh, no. Why not?

I do not want to hurt you.

But we come from two different worlds.

I do not think it could ever work out.

Well, I was hoping
for something serious,

but if that's how you feel...

PATIENCE: I wish there
was some other way,

for I am sad as well.

Goodbye, Trevor.

No harm, no foul.

Yeah, except you just
got dumped by Patience.

Any chance that stays between us?

Well, would it be embarrassing
for you if it got out?

- A little.
- Then no.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- JAY: Okay, Sam...

I mean Flower... here we go.

[GRUNTS]

Oh...

Yay! They're back.

I said I was sorry, Sam.

I don't want to hear
it, Flower. And you.

- I can't believe you, Thor.
- That was not cool, big guy.

Thor very sorry. But
maybe somehow this...

help book sales.

Maybe now Sam sort of...

Hawk Tuah girl of books.

You guys knew today
was a big deal for me.

Why didn't anyone do anything to help?

Oh, but Samantha, what could we do?

- We're ghosts.
- You know we love you, Sam.

We screwed up. But can
we just get to the part

where you forgive us and we
can all have a Merry Christmas?

No. Not this time.

Because that interview aired.

And just like you guys,

it'll be around forever.

Don't know why we need to
drag our immortality into this.

Babe, let's just go
to sleep and calm down.

- And tomorrow's another day.
- Exactly.

It's another day of
living with this curse.

Another chance for a ghost

to ruin something
that's important to me.

God, I wish I had
never gotten this power.

I wish I had never
been able to see ghosts.

Did Flower at least like Christmas gift?

[GASPS] What'd you get me?

You don't remember possessing Sam?

What?

No. Oh, but that would
have been amazing.

I have had the munchies
for, like, 50 years.

♪ ♪

Jay?

Hey, guys.

Oh. Okay, I see.

Giving me the silent treatment?

[EXCLAIMS]

Don't mind Thor, Thor not sitting there.

What the hell?