01x12 - The Consequences of Being Irish

[bunniefuu]

.

- OK, Saint Patrick is up.

Let our annual
official celebration begin.

All hail everything Irish.

[cheers and applause]

- Grandpa, is it true
that Saint Patrick's Day

is a legal holiday in Boston
because Irish people

are all alcoholics
and the government

doesn't want kids
walking home from school

through rivers of Irish puke?

- 100%.

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

- Listen, Jimmy,
you are an Irish American.

That means uninformed people
are gonna say untrue things

about your heritage
all your life,

especially
on Saint Patrick's Day.

They're gonna say
your people are drunks.

- Pug-faced potato eaters.

- Humorless,
uptight Catholic girls.

- Leprechauns who hoard
yellow moons, blue diamonds,

and green clovers.

Mouth-breathing
knuckle draggers

looking for a fight.

Your job--
- Is to punch them in the face.

- No.

I want you both
to always remember

that you come
from a great people.

And for the record, March 17th,
Saint Patrick's Day,

it marks an event
called Evacuation Day.

- Where Bostonians
celebrate Saint Patrick

by evacuating their stomachs?

- No, it's the day
that British forces

retreated from Boston,

giving George Washington
his first victory

of the Revolutionary w*r.

- Why did they retreat?

Because of all the puke?

- There was no puke.

The British were beaten.

- Until they puked?

- Hey, y'all.

- Hey, Trey.
- Hey, Trey.

- Jimmy Jr. forgot
his backpack in the car.

- When he was little,
Mom and Dad

used to leave him in the car.

- Hey, who's
the "Lord of the Rings" fan?

I love me some Gandalf.

- That's who he reminds me of.

- Thank you, Trey, for reducing

Ireland's beloved Saint Patrick
to a senile warlock.

- Dad loves
Saint Patrick's Day.

- I love
Saint Patrick's Day too.

The Celtics have always had

a Saint Patrick's Day
fundraiser,

and this year,
for the first time,

I get to host it.

We got A-listers,
big-money donors.

We're blowing it out for the
Higgins Hospital for Children.

This year,
I'm telling you right now,

the Celtics are gonna own
Saint Patty's Day.

- Saint Patrick's Day.

- That's what I meant.

- You said Patty,
P-A-T-T-Y,

which is a nickname
for Patricia.

However, Paddy, P-A-D-D-Y,

is a nickname
for Pádraig, or Patrick.

- Well, what's the difference?

What's the difference between
the letter T and the letter D?

You dell me, Drey Daylor.

- Douché.

- OK, I stand corrected.

Saint Paddy's Day.

But look,
we're gonna have top-notch

Irish-themed
entertainment and catering.

- Is there such a thing
as top-notch Irish catering?

- I've never even come across
mid-notch Irish catering.

- Well, we're gonna have
shamrocks and green balloons

and gift bags
with bottles of Jameson

and Irish Spring soap.

We're gonna have
family-sized boxes

of Lucky Charms.

We're gonna get
paddy wagon photo booths

so everyone can have
their own mug shots

like Irishmen of yore.

And check this out.

We hired a local band
who released a track

that a chatbot wrote
after scouring the internet

for the answer
to the prompt,

what does it mean to be Irish?

Take a listen.

[bright music playing]

♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪

♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-lay ♪

♪ It's how we end the evening ♪

♪ And how we start the day ♪

♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪

♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪

♪ We can't live without it ♪

♪ So we'll drink until we die ♪

- I think
I've heard enough.

.

- ♪ Fighting, fighting ♪

♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-loo ♪

♪ If you had your Irish up ♪

♪ You'd be
throwing punches too ♪

♪ Talking, talking, talking ♪

♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-lee ♪

♪ We can talk your ear off ♪

♪ So come have a drink
with me ♪

♪ Drink and fight
and talk all night ♪

♪ And dum-dum,
diddle-diddle-dee ♪

♪ Have another swig
and do an Irish jig ♪

♪ Get your Irish up like me ♪

[laughs] See?

Perfectly beautiful Irish song.

- I'm gonna get
a phone call.

- You're not gonna get
a phone call.

- So I imagine you were
surprised to get my call.

- Jim, if this is about

the "Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey"
song--

- A song
that should be entitled

"Reductive Stereotype
in the Key of C."

You got Gandalf
and the cereal leprechaun

and the paddy wagon.

The only thing you left out

was "Danny Boy."
- I love "Danny Boy."

- Written
by a butter-loving Englishman

about an Irish father who will
never see his son again,

probably
because of the English.

- Jim, I understand
how you feel.

As an Italian-American, I used
to be proud of Columbus Day.

- Right, but if it is ever
revealed that, like Columbus,

Saint Patrick went to foreign
lands to terrorize the locals,

then I will stop honoring him.

- The point, I think,
is that there are

knowledge gaps on all sides.

- Right, But you never hear

about the Irish
understanding gap.

They're always, you know,
doing shots and hurling insults

and rolling in clichés.

- Including
lots of Irish people.

I mean, look at this place.

- OK, my dad may not be
as sensitive

to this issue as I am.

- Green beer coming through.

Faith and begorrah.

- But because he's Irish,
that's OK.

I mean, if he was hosting
the Celtics gala

on Saint Patrick's Day,
he could stand up and yell,

"Welcome, ya Guinness-swilling,
short-tempered

peat-moss burners,"
and no one would care.

But he's not hosting.
You are.

- I think Jim may be
actually trying to help you.

- No.

- No.

- I mean, you skipped
your pickleball game

to have this conversation.

- I did.
- Mm-hmm.

- And I love pickleball.
- You do.

- I mean,
you could be competent

the very first time you play.

I did skip it to be here.

- Like a friend would.

- Oh, my God.

I think she's right.

- Mm-mm.

- Is it possible
that we might be becoming...

friends?

- I mean, it doesn't
feel like friendship.

But it does have
the markers of it.

I mean, here I am,
sitting here,

listening to you
for the first time

like your opinion matters.

- This is a big moment.

- OK, OK,
so I have a new friend,

but I still got a problem.

The gala is six days away,

and I see that it's full
of land mines.

And I might not be
the right person

to know how to defuse them.

- Well, what if we built
on this new friendship

and Jim brought his wealth

of cultural
and historical knowledge

to help keep you
land mine-free?

- You'd do that, Jim?

- Interesting idea.

Don't just criticize.

Pitch in.

I don't know
that I've ever tried that.

- I've never seen you do it.

- OK, I got to admit
that I was triggered

by most of your party plans.

But maybe that's the problem
with this world.

- So you'll help, Jim?

- On one condition.

I want to be named

special envoy
to the Boston Celtics.

- Special what?
- Envoy.

It's like an ambassador.
- No, I know what it is.

I just couldn't believe
that you said it.

- I don't want to be
just a consultant.

I mean, the world is lousy
with consultants.

Grant me that dignity, please?

- Special envoy it is.

- I want in on a business card.

- No one uses
business cards anymore.

- So it shouldn't be a problem.

"Special Envoy Jim Kearney"
on a business card.

- OK, if his name on a piece
of paper is what gets his help,

then deal.
- Cardstock, the good stuff.

- Welcome aboard,

Special Envoy Jim Kearney,
friend.

- Ah.

Thank you very much,
friend Trey.

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God.

Did we just come up
with our own special handshake?

- I think we just did, friend.

.

[bright music]

[elevator bell dings]

- It's a simple idea,
really,

and one that every
special envoy holds dear--

the truth.

In this case, the unadorned
truth of the Irish experience.

And what cuts more cleanly
to the heart

and, since this is for charity,
to the pocketbook

than honesty?

Nothing, folks.
Nothing.

- Well, Mr. Taylor
told us to do

whatever
Special Envoy Kearney said.

- Good.
And what's the budget?

- $500,000.

- That'll work.

♪ ♪

- [sighs]
- Ugh, I know.

That happens to me
in elevators too.

- No, that's not what I mean.

I just realized
I gave Jim Kearney

$1/2 million
to do this thing,

and I have no idea what he did.

Decided not to micromanage,

and that might have been
a macro mistake.

[elevator bell dings]

- [gasps]
Oh, my God, honey.

This place looks amazing.

- I knew he'd nail it.

My friend Jim.

- Oh, dia dhuit,my friends.

- Dia dhuit,Mr. Kearney.

- Dia--
- Dhuit.

It's hello in Irish.

- You know Irish?
- Just dia dhuit.

- Irish, the national language
of Ireland

until England started k*lling
everyone who spoke it.

- Jim, you look so great.

- Oh.
- Yes.

And thank you so much for
helping me out with this, man.

I needed someone to have
my back, and you had it.

I appreciate you.

- Helping you
restage this gala

has been a gift for me.

And it has been staggering
to discover

not only how many people
want to help share

in the Irish celebration

but also just how much
money can buy.

I mean, you know, now I know
why you guys are so happy.

Whenever a problem comes up,
you just chuck money at it.

Then the problem goes away.

- Dude, I know.

[chortles]

- Well, listen,
I got to set some levels

with the tech director.

Oh, oh, and thank you
for the suit.

- Apparently
I bought him a suit.

- And he looks great.
- [chuckles]

- Let's go work the room,
shall we?

- Can you do me a favor and
tell me everybody's name twice,

just in case I don't remember?

- Copy that.
Ah.

Lana Telsup.

- Uh, Telsuit?

Telsup with a P,
Harvard professor,

one of the only ones
who still has her job.

Best-selling book,
"Women Empowered."

- Tell me that again.
- "Women Empowered."

- No, not the book's name,
her name.

- Lana Telsup.

- One more time.
- Lana--she's too close now.

Lana, Julia Mariano.

And this is Trey Taylor.

- Of course.
Good evening.

- Oh, thank you
for your support.

- I just loved your book,
"Women Empowered."

As a woman, I felt
so empowered, Lana Telsup.

- [chuckles]

- I felt empowered too.

[chuckles] Even as a man.

- It's not for men.

Forget everything you read.

- [sucks teeth]
Hmm.

- Oh, Lana, dia dhuit.

Loved your book.
Felt very empowered.

- Not for men.

- Danny Walsh is here.
Danny Walsh.

- Danny Walsh?
I know Danny Walsh.

- Trey!
- Danny! Hey!

- Hey, love
the thatched-roof cottage.

So Irish.

All we need now
is some rain, huh? [laughs]

- You remember Julia.
- Oh, you look fantastic.

- Oh, hello.
Good to see you.

- Splendid.
- [laughs]

- Now, I'm gonna need you
bidding big

in that live auction, D-Dub.

- All about the kids.
[laughter]

I didn't come here
to save money.

[laughter]

- I'll see you later.
I'll see you later.

Hoo-hoo!
Danny Walsh is on the hook.

- Mm. Jim, you really classed
this whole place up.

They are gonna give
till it hurts.

- "For the kids" on three.

all:
One, two, for the kids!

- I thought you said on three.

- Well, yeah, it's 1, 2,
and then you replace

the three
with "for the kids."

- Should we try again?
- Yeah.

- No.

- All right, well, I'll see you
after the presentation.

- Yep.
Love you, bud.

- Love you too.

- Did Jim and I just say
we loved each other?

- Well, you said love you
while walking away,

which is still saying more
than see you,

but it's not I love you.

- Huh.
- Watch this.

I love you.

- I see the difference.
[laughter]

- Thanks for making him
special envoy.

- I needed him as much
as he needed me.

You and me right now,
"For the kids" on two. Ready?

both: One.

- Two.
- For the kids.

- See, it just
doesn't make sense.

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

.

[cheers and applause]

- Can we all make some noise
for our special guest?

Boston Celtics legend
Paul "The Truth" Pierce.

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

My man.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And at this point,
I'm gonna introduce you

to our master of ceremony
of this evening, Mr. Jim--

- Special envoy.

- I'm sorry, what?
- Special envoy.

- Got it.
- Mm.

- I'd like to introduce you
to the master of ceremony

this evening, my friend

and Special Envoy Jim Kearney.

[cheers and applause]

- Thanks, Trey.

I know I speak for the entire
Boston Celtics organization

when I say that there is
no holiday that is

more important to us
than Saint Patrick's Day.

Why?

Because Irish spirit
is on our uniform.

It runs in our hallways.

It is in the very panels of
the parquet floor at TD Garden.

But a lot of people
don the Celtic green

without knowing
what it really represents:

the spirit of Ireland.

[applause]

If you'll allow me, I'd like
to show you what I mean.

There are virtual reality
headsets on your tables.

If you would please
put them on.

Then we'll begin.

Behold the rolling green hills
of the Emerald Isle...

crowd:
Ooh!

- Beckoning you
with lush tranquility.

Here is the true spirit
of Ireland.

- Look at the details.

It's so lush, so green.

- Oh, it's so beautiful.

It's like
it's all fairway.

- Now see the stunning
Cliffs of Moher.

So breathtaking.

Inhale the brisk, misty air.

Walk to the edge
and peer over below.

- That's a long way down.
- Oh, whoa!

It's so real.
Oh!

- Now let's walk
across the River Liffey

and through the famous archway
of Trinity College Dublin.

Hey, Hall-of-Famer Paul Pierce,
better watch your head.

- I'm tall but not that tall.

- Now flip through
the Book of Kells.

Marvel in the detail.

And it's only a few steps
over to the lively pubs

of Dublin's Temple Bar
neighborhood,

bustling with music and cheer.

See Ireland in all its glory,

from the Ring of Kerry
to the Bay of Galway

to Blackrock Castle
outside colorful Cork.

- OK, man,
now, that's cool.

- We're flying now.

- Oh, my God, we're flying.

[laughs]

- But wait.

What is that black smoke?

What's going on?

It's 1649,
and the marauders have landed.

And they want to k*ll you

because you answer
to the pope.

- [screams]

- Look behind you.

It's a family of nine,
very weak and gaunt,

and they're holding something.

A blighted potato.

No nutritional value.

It takes more calories
to digest it

than it adds to your strength.

Do the arithmetic.

But you can't do the arithmetic
because the English

have burned your school
to the ground

and dismembered your teachers,

your friends, your family.
[blade shinging]

Your entire country
is starving.

It's 1847,
and the famine is here.

[bell tolling]
- Oh-h*, this is intense.

- Let's go back to Temple Bar
and tie one on.

- Now you're
in the brig "Saint John,"

an overcrowded
immigrant ship

teeming with cholera
and death.

Fleeing the famine, the brig
will crash upon the rocks

just off the shore
of Massachusetts

before it arrives,
k*lling 145 souls on board.

But here you are,
swimming in the frigid water

among the corpses.

- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

- Oh, my God, I need a Xanax.

- Sharks!

- [screams]
- Swim!

- Then climbing ashore,
surviving the wreck.

But your life in America
will not be

the paradise you'd hoped,
because--

what's that smell?

That's smoke.

More flames.

You're an Irish immigrant
in America,

and your textile mill
is on fire.

You run for the windows
to try to find escape,

but they're nailed shut.

You try to find something
to break it,

but there's nothing.

Use your fists.
Use your fists.

Use your head.
Use your friend's head.

Break it. Break it.
Break it.

- Get us out of here!

- I want to live!
[glass shatters]

- You try to climb
through the shards of glass,

and people push you.

- Get off of me!

- You can feel your skin
being sliced apart

while people
are bleeding on you.

- Oh, it's so real.
- It's terrible.

- This is the worst gala
I've ever been to.

- Feel that?

It's no longer the mist.

It's tears.

Irish tears.

[people crying]

- Oh!

I don't want
to be Irish anymore.

- Me neither.

- Man, I'm out of here.

- Wait, what?

- The Red Sox would never
do something like this.

- Don't beat yourself up, son.

You did your best.

It's not your fault
your best wasn't good enough.

- It's absolutely my fault.
How is this not my fault?

- I'm trying to cheer you up.

It's not my fault I failed.

- I failed the Celtics,
the charity,

the kids, Paul Pierce, Julia,

and Irish people everywhere.

Oh, and I failed
my new friend Trey.

- Trey?

You met a new guy named Trey
and you made friends with him?

- No, no, our Trey.

Our relationship had
kind of turned a corner.

We even had our own handshake.

But now we'll be back
to a perfunctory chin nod.

- Well, let me get you a beer.

In the tradition of our people,
you can drown your sorrows.

- Not helping.
- Not hurting.

- Hey, Jim, Jim.
- Mm.

Trey, Trey,
before you say anything--

- No, I need to say--
I need to say something.

- No, I need to go first.
- No, let me go first.

- No, I'm so sorry
about tonight.

I thought I was doing
a good job.

I thought I was being
thorough and trenchant,

but I totally went overboard

and slaughtered
the golden geese.

- Can I talk now?

- Please do.
I'm out of words.

- OK, all week long,
you pounded me

about what the Irish
have been through.

- I know, and I'm so sorry.
And just let me say that I--

- You said
you were out of words.

- It was a temporary condition.

- I thought I understood.

I didn't,
until I saw your VR thing.

And it moved me.

It also moved Danny Walsh.

- Danny Walsh was last seen

dry-heaving
at the valet stand.

- Danny Walsh recovered.

- [gasps]

- Special Envoy Kearney.

- Yes?

- I wanted to come by myself
to tell you

how the rest of my night went.

Well, first
I puked my guts out.

But any Irishman
will tell you,

that's a good way
to clear your mind.

Then I had my driver drive me
to Mount Auburn Cemetery,

where my Nana Méabh is buried.

She and my grandfather
emigrated

from Dublin in August 1922.

I went to her grave, and I--

I poured a fifth
of Jameson over it.

I keep a couple bottles
in the trunk.

I said,
Nana, please forgive me.

I've taken you for granted.

I mean, your heroic struggles.

And I now understand that if
it wasn't for you and Grandpa,

I wouldn't be here,
you know,

raiding companies
and laying off thousands,

crushing their families.

But that's not important
right now.

- Mm.

- And then I realized,
maybe there's some kids

in Higgins Hospital
that should get a chance

to be a hedge fund monster
themselves, right?

- [chuckles]

- So you know what this is?

- A restraining order
from Paul Pierce?

- No, it's a check
for $4 million.

- 4 mi--
did you say mi--

- Yeah, he said mi.

It's the most money
the gala's ever raised.

- So the presentation worked?

- It worked, Special Envoy Jim.

- I don't know
what to say.

- Say it's the luck
of the Irish.

- Pretty sure
you shouldn't say that.

- And you really were
a special envoy.

- Well, thank you.

Trey?
- Hmm?

- You take this.
You're used to it.

I can feel my fingers melting.

- Jim, you got a business card?

- As a matter of fact...

- Nice cardstock.

- Mm.

- Let's get this place
hammered.

Hey, barkeep!

Rest of the night,
the drinks are on me.

[cheers and applause]

- Wow.

- I mean, that was a win,
a win-win, a win-win-win.

- Hey,
"Win-win-win" on three?

- Oh, yeah!
- Nope, never again.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Shot Glass Sullivans.

- ♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪

- No, I had nothing
to do with this.

- I tracked the band down.
I love these guys.

They may not look Irish,
but they are.

- ♪ Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey ♪

♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-li ♪
- Come on, sing along.

- You know you want to.

- ♪ Without it,
so we'll drink until we die ♪

♪ Paddy, Paddy, Paddy ♪

♪ Did someone call my name ♪

♪ Get on the paddy wagon ♪

♪ It's our only claim to fame ♪

♪ Fighting, fighting,
fighting ♪

♪ Oh, too-ra-loo-ra-loo ♪