02x06 - Izzy and the Professor

[bunniefuu]

- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my God!

You scared me.

Well, you scared me
staying out this late.

OK, we're even.

Let's play again tomorrow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where were you?

Well, you know I'm taking

that night school management class.

Oh, I don't remember you saying

it was a midnight school.

What? [CHUCKLES]

No, uh, I mean, I wasn't in class.

I was with class people studying.

A study group!

How long have you been
dating this study group?

I don't... what are you even...

three dates.

I thought so.

Nobody wears lipstick to a study group.

Great detective work, Bobbie.

I'm going to sleep.

You're not going to get much sleep

with me sitting on the
side of the bed saying,

who's the guy? Who's
the guy? Who's the guy?

Just a guy I met in class.

Am I done being grilled now?

Oh, honey, the barbecue's just startin'!

But I'm happy for you.

[CHUCKLES] When can I meet him?

No.

No, I haven't introduced
you to any other guys

I've dated before.

What? There were other guys?

Oh, no.

How many? What's their names?

OK, OK, stop.

I will bring him to the tavern. Happy?

Very. [CHUCKLES]

OK, now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm going to bed.

I gotta redo all my creams again.

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Sometimes it feels
like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

I just found something
strange in the bathroom.

Oh, well, don't tell Steve.

He won't be able to
stop thinking about it.

Why do they even allow public restrooms?

It's a phone.

Somebody must have
left it in there last night.

Where was it?

On top of the hand dryer.

Huh, so he's tall...

or short and he was drying his hair.

What kind of a miscreant
takes his phone out

in a public restroom? Hello?

[STRAINING] Guess what I'm doing.

It's locked.

I'm gonna put it in lost and found.

- [PHONE BEEPS]
- [GASPS] Ooh, a text.

Ooh, yes, please.

We can't read his messages.

We have no right to
violate this man's privacy.

Peeking isn't violating.

Yeah, peeking is cute.

Yeah, it's cute.

Only if you're a baby or a koala.

Or a baby koala.

OK, but what if it's the
guy texting his own phone

explaining where he is
and how we can help?

It's not.

Look, it's none of our business.

Phone's going in the lost and found.

You're right.

Yeah, thanks for being
our conscience, Takoda.

Like Jesus taking the wheel,
Takoda's taking the phone.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

OK. Ah.

Oh, "I drove by your place
and saw you're not home yet.

- You better not be with her."
- [GASPS]

Oh, whoa.

- All caps.
- Oh.

This is going in my locker.

At least he told us where to look.

Yes.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I don't understand why we need this.

"All lost and found items
should be kept behind the bar,

not in lockers."

I think that policy
should be clearly stated.

Lunch rush is over.

You want me to make you something?

Yes, please. A double
bacon cheeseburger.

Oh, and put some avocado on it.

I'm trying to eat healthy.

I'll pop an extra lettuce
leaf on there for you.

Thank you.

Oh, I just wanted to remind you

to please bring your
truck this Saturday.

I'm feeling a little lucky
for our antiquing trip.

[CHUCKLES AND SNORTS] Oh, my gosh.

I'd love to see Emmett

traipsing through antique shops.

[LAUGHS]

Did I say traipsing?

I meant staring angrily.

Hey, did Isabella and
that guy get here yet?

Not yet.

Can you believe
Isabella's trying to keep

that guy a secret from me?

Well...

What?

You can believe it? Why?

Well, sometimes you can be a little,

you know.

What "you know"?

Judgmental.

Oh, that's the dumbest
thing I ever heard in my life.

I said sometimes, OK?

And what I mean is that

you're protective of the
people that you care about,

You know, like a judge.

Isabella and Lucas are here.

Lucas?

Judging.

Lucas!

Ah. There we go.

Still waiting.

[GASPS] Oh, my.

Bobbie, somebody should run out

and get some birdseed, because we got

a couple of cute lovebirds in the house.

OK, Gabby.

This is Gabby.

She's an acquired taste.

Acquired like getting
your n*pples pinched.

Lucas, this is my sister, Bobbie.

- Hi.
- Bobbie, this is Lucas.

Nice to meet you.
Can I get you anything?

A nice cold beer?

I know it's early, but we don't judge.

It's great to meet you, Bobbie.

Your sister talks a lot about you.

Oh, well, she must like you a lot,

'cause she hadn't told
me anything about you.

What would you like to know?

Oh, just the basics.

Your age, height, earliest
embarrassing childhood memory.

Uh, 29, 5'10".

I drank from puddles.

I like him already.

Uh, Lucas Wilkins,
this is Emmett Hawkins,

our chef extraordinaire.

You hungry?

- I'm working on some bacon burgers.
- Wow.

So far, I've been offered
bacon burgers and day drinking.

- I like it here.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]

You want to hear something funny?

The University of Tennessee
used to have a placekicker

named Lucas Wilkins.

You want to hear something funnier?

- That was me.
- [LAUGHS]

Well, I'll be damned.

Come here and give me a hug.

Oh.

- You can stay here forever.
- Oh, gee, I'd love to,

but I gotta run or
I'll be late for class.

Ooh, polite and punctual.

You got all the three Ps.

What's the third?

Purdy.

I'm getting the feeling I
made a good impression.

So I'm gonna get out of
here before I screw it up.

It's great to meet you all.

- Nice to meet you, too.
- Bye-bye.

Come back and see us.

- Ah.
- He's great, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, and easy on the eyes.

And the nose...

[SNIFFS] Sandalwood and pine.

That boy kicked a 48-yard
field goal against Ole Miss...

BOTH: In the rain.

So what did you think?

I think he's great.

I love the way he rushed
out of here to get to class.

He must be an excellent student.

Oh, he's not a student.

I thought you said you met him in class.

I did, and I am so glad you
already like him, 'cause...

- he's my professor.
- [ALL GASP]

The fourth P.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

What? You're dating your professor?

OK, I know what you're
thinking, but don't worry.

He wasn't some creepy
teacher hitting on me.

I asked him out.

Survey says...

[IMITATES BUZZER] Still creepy!

Oh, I went out with my
biology teacher in high school.

Yeah.

Aced that class.

You were 23 in high school.

See, Bobbie, this is why
I didn't want to tell you.

But I was hoping if you'd met him,

you'd see him as a
person, not a profession.

It's just weird.

It's a line that shouldn't be crossed.

But if it doesn't bother
us, what does it matter?

Yeah, Bobbie, what happens
between two consenting adults

is none of our business.

I can't believe y'all are OK with this.

I knew I shouldn't have done this.

You're darn tootin' you
shouldn't have done it.

I meant telling you about him.

I darn tootin' shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, I wish Bobbie would keep her nose

- out of Isabella's private life.
- Agreed.

It's absolutely none of her business.

[PHONE RINGING]

BOTH: The phone!

[PHONE RINGING]

Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe Takoda had a point.

Maybe we have no right to
violate this person's privacy.

- Always remember we hesitated.
- Mm-hmm.

He put a padlock on it.

Oh, he's never done that before.

[SCOFFS] My God.

It's like he doesn't even trust us.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I'm your big sister, and I love you.

And I don't want you seeing him again!

Because he has power
over you. You're not equals.

What? No smart answers?

Ha!

I didn't think so, little missy.

Yeah, well...

Who are you talking to?

Oh!

No, I wasn't talking to
nobody, just that chair.

Nobody. What?

I'm going to bed.

Oh, hang on a second.
We need to talk about this.

Yeah, I heard you.

And you don't have to worry.

Not going to see him anymore.

OK, then. Talk not necessary.

Proceed to bed.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you know that I couldn't
get you out of my head

after your little lecture today?

You made me totally
self-conscious with Lucas.

Good, because you
shouldn't be seeing him.

You're not equals.

So I guess you seeing
Emmett is wrong too.

What are you talking about?

You're his boss.

You could fire him if he
doesn't make you happy.

Emmett won't do anything
he doesn't want to do.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Maybe you two could talk about that

while you drag him
antiquing again this weekend.

I like arguing with you better.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Good news.

Takoda didn't lock
his locker this morning.

I think that means we've
earned his trust back.

Oh, thank God.

It is important that he feels safe.

Yeah.

You won't believe what the
girlfriend is saying right now.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

- The drama continues.
- OK. [GASPS]

"I know you've been with her"?

"I've given you everything, and
you can't even call me back?"

"What kind of man treats the
love of his life like garbage?"

Mm, it's a fair question.

I mean, this poor woman.

She has what my abuela
would call el radar dañado.

- A bad picker.
- Ah.

[PHONE RINGING]

- [GASPS] What if it's him?
- What if it's her?

What if it stops ringing
and we never find out?

Hello?

No!

I'm talking now!

[SOFTLY] Ooh.

I'm starting a new life!

And by the way, I did
sleep with your brother.

[LINE CLICKS]

Wow!

She's perfect for him.

What do you mean?

She was probably a
perfectly reasonable woman

before she met this monster.

Yeah, but she didn't have to sleep

with the monster's brother.

You don't know.

So often, the only option
is sleep with their brother.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Can I put the margarita salt
next to the cayenne pepper?

Of course. Why would you ask that?

Because it might be inappropriate

for the two of them to be together

since the cayenne
pepper is more powerful.

I know what you're subtly trying to say,

and you're wrong.

Bobbie, did we make a decision on ribs

or rib eyes for tomorrow's special?

Ribs.

You're the boss.

Wow, that was bad timing, huh?

Wait, where are you going?

To find out if I'm in a relationship

or an HR violation.

I didn't mean to cause any trouble

between Bobbie and Emmett.

I just wanted to make her feel bad.

Is that any better?

Hey, why'd you say that?

Say what?

"You're the boss."

[SCOFFS] Because you are.

You didn't have to tell everyone.

I'm pretty sure they already know that.

You want to go antiquing with me, right?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, you know,

I don't think we can hit
all the shops on Saturday,

so let's go on Sunday too.

Ah, Sunday's football.

Is that a problem?

I mean, you don't really
have to watch that, do you?

No.

I don't guess.

Hey, why don't we skip
the barbecue place for lunch

and go to the tea shop?

Yeah, you know, they've
got the little lace doilies

and the tiny finger sandwiches.

If that's what you want.

You know what would be cute?

Let's wear matching outfits.

OK, I don't have any
bandannas that will fit you.

But what's really going on here?

I think you're only doing what

I want because I'm your boss.

[SCOFFS] What?

Yes.

And you're thinking you need
to keep me happy or I'll fire you.

OK, listen.

When I say you're the
boss, I don't really mean it.

I mean, I pretty much do what I
wanna do around here anyway.

Well, maybe I should fire you.

And I don't need to make you happy.

I want to.

Aw, really?

Yes.

That's what men do for
the women they care about.

[BOBBIE CHUCKLES]

The stupid stuff they hate.

That's so romantic.

I know dating the boss is truly

a bad idea for a lot of people.

But if it works for us,
what does it matter?

You know, I think that's what Isabella's

been trying to tell me.

Yeah.

Hey, don't tell her we
had this conversation, OK?

- OK.
- Thanks.

You're the boss.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I had every right to...
would you let me finish?

Thank you.

You were being a hypocrite,
and I refuse to feel bad

if it caused problems
between you and Emmett.

OK? That's on you, not on me.

Hey.

I'm sorry, Bobbie, please forgive me.

h*, h*, h*, for what?

I shouldn't have said anything
about you and Emmett.

I just got frustrated

because you were being such a hypocrite.

Gotta say I've heard better apologies.

And don't worry about us.

We're fine.

He thought it was funny, the butt.

Good.

Are we OK, though? I
don't like fighting with you.

I don't like fighting with you either,

mainly because you're
better at it than I am.

Well, I had a lot of
practice with my mom,

and she was really good.

Hey, my daughter's no slouch either.

Do you think that was
the real issue here?

That I was sneaking around
like you were my mom,

and you were all, "This is wrong!"

You know, I ought to
be mad at you for that,

but that's pretty good. [CHUCKLES]

You know, you're so young
that sometimes I forget

we're supposed to be equals.

Well, from now on, you can work on that,

and I'll work on trying
not to look so young.

[LAUGHTER]

Deal. Hey, if you want me to,

I can call Lucas up and
tell him what happened.

I don't know.

For a professor, he talked
a lot about placekicking.

Yeah, I don't think that
was going anywhere.

Really? You seemed
pretty upset last night.

Oh, I was just doing that to punish you.

Now you really remind me of Gracie.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

You did what?

Gabby thought it was important

we give this man his comeuppance.

And you know, it's Tuesday.

They're slow.

OK, here we go. [CHUCKLES]

I cannot wait to wipe that
smug look off his c*ck face.

I heard that you have my phone.

Your phone?

It... it's one of the cellular phones.

That's it.

Thank you.

OK, you, sir, at your age,

should have learned
to treat women better.

You're right.

I'm sorry, sir, but these
two read your text messages.

And it seems you're not
very nice to your girlfriend.

That's my wife.

We like to keep it fresh...

with a little role-play.

There you are, you dirty dog.

You caught me tomcatting around town.

Oh, no, no, no!

Yes. Yes, that is correct.

So now I'm gonna have to teach
you a lesson, you naughty boy.

- Oh!
- [CHUCKLES]

But lunch first.

- Oh, lunch, yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

- [SMOOCHES]
- You're so right, sugar.

We have to take care of his blood sugar.

These two snoops have
been reading our texts.

What?

Put a little pizzazz in our game, huh?

You're right. It did.

You know what?

You better give us your phone numbers,

and we can keep you in the fun.

You know, I'm sorry,

but I don't give my phone
number to strangers.

[CHUCKLING] Now she's
worried about privacy.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's your loss, sugar.

- Oh.
- Right this way.

- Oh, all right.
- Follow me.

Say, honey, aren't
you a tall drink of water?

We apologize.

And to make it up, we'd
like to buy your lunch.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at Mr. Rockefeller
here all of a sudden.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, hello, Red.

I mean, I like antiquing,
but not that much.

You know what? On second
thought, here's my number.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]