02x25 - Extreme Makeover: Gym Teacher Edition

[bunniefuu]

- I am proud to announce

we've completed construction

on our new decorative fountain.

- [cackles]

- Uh-oh.

Nate has his prank face on.

- What? Nah.

I'm just innocently admiring

this dumb fountain

as I rub my hands together

in anticipation.

- Nate, what did you do?

- [laughs maniacally]

[rumbling, rattling]

[screaming]

I retooled

the school's plumbing

to carry queso

instead of water.

Who doesn't love melted cheese?

Am I right?

- Ahh!

[dramatic music]



- [roars]

[zipper unzips]

- Ahh! Cheese under my butt!

And it's delicious!

both: Come play with us,

Nate.

Ahh!

- [screams]

[creaking]

- [gasps]

Oh, no, not my precious!

[car horn blares]



- [giggles]

- No!

[sobbing]

- I just finished

paying that car off.

- Whoa, whoa. Hey.

In my defense, I had

no idea how awesome

that was gonna turn out.

- Detention!

- Well, at least I

have weekends to--

- Including weekends!

You're about to get well

acquainted with Coach John.

He's quite passionate

about the justice system.

[tense music]

- Your butt belongs to me,

porcupine head.

- Uh-oh.

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Oh, oh, dang, man.

Nichols didn't even say

when you're getting out?

- Yeah, he just said

"a very long time"

and then made me sit there

and watch him cry

until Coach John shamed him

into stopping.

- Superlatives!

Everyone get in your vote

for yearbook superlatives!

Let your voice be heard.

Vote for everything from

who rules to who drools.

Has everyone turned

in their ballot

for yearbook superlatives yet?

- Oh, gee, I--

I've just been so busy with

literally anything else.

- Get serious, Nate.

This matters.

Voting for class superlatives

lets the world know

what you think

of your classmates.

- Have you gotten

any early results?

I'm really feeling good

about winning Biggest Flirt.

[chuckles, coughs]

- I'm actually on my way to

start counting votes now.

I'm super excited

to see what I win.

[laughs]

- [coughs weakly]

- Wait, what?

- Most Boring: Gina.

- This can't be right!

I got most boring?

How did I beat out

"some kid nobody's heard of"?

[horn honking]

No, this shall not stand.

I will get to

the bottom of this.

[suspenseful music]



- [groans]

So what's everybody in for?

- I busted up some kid

for asking stupid questions.

- [chuckles]

- Is that chit-chat I'm

hearing on the factory floor?

Well, if you want to have a

little chin wag while you work,

go ahead.

Just keep your voices down.

- Huh. Something's off

about Coach John.

What are you looking at?

Before you answer,

remember that I'm a child.

- What? Nothing.

Just some epic

turkey fryer fails.

No biggie.

- Ah, come on, now.

I can tell something's up.

You haven't made a single

child cry all afternoon.

- [groans]

If you must know,

I'm a little preoccupied

with my upcoming

middle school reunion.

Believe it or not,

I wasn't exactly Mr. Popular.

There was an incident.

The w*r on Christmas.

- Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

Is that the w*r you're

always talking about?

- There's been a lot of wars.

Stop interrupting.

Anyway, everybody wanted

to get their hands

on a Tickle-Me Gary,

the toy that tickles back.

I got drafted by my father,

Coach John, Sr.

[jolly music]

- Remember, son,

it's up to heroes like us

to be the sheepdogs.

[bell dinging]

Huh?

[clock chimes]

- That's when

all heck broke loose.

[shouting]

Sir, we're outnumbered.

Permission to evacuate

the Tickle-Me Garys.

- That won't stop

these animals.

We gotta destroy

the Tickle-Me Garys

before they do any more damage.

- But, Papa, that makes no--

[whistle blows]

[grunting]

Papa!

[growls]

[dramatic music]

Must destroy.

USA!

USA!

Every kid in school knew I was

the one who ruined Christmas.

- Jeez, no wonder you don't

want to go to your reunion.

- What?

Oh, I was never planning to go.

I promised myself I'd

only go if I had something

to rub in everybody's faces.

- Oh, being a

middle school gym teacher

none of the kids like

doesn't qualify?

[grunts]

- I thought I'd be married

to a supermodel,

living in a mansion

with a waterslide

and a monkey butler

in a little tux.

- Hmm.

- [screams]

- Ooh.

What if I told you

there was a way

to make your

old classmates jealous

without ever leaving

your chair?

- I'm listening.

- We'll reinvent you

on the internet.

- And what are you

getting out of this?

- You cut my sentence short

and let me out

of detention early.

- Hmm.

- So this is a casual convo.

Pretend the lie detector

machine isn't even here.

There are no wrong answers

and no stupid questions.

- Um, so then why am--

[electricity crackles]

[groans]

- Oh, good.

That button's working.

Let us begin.

Query One: to the best

of your knowledge,

who did you vote for in

the Most Boring category?

- I--[grunts] Left--[grunts]

That one--[grunts]

Blank.

[groans]

[coughs]

- Why?

- It seemed mean.

- Sorry.

You just talk so slow.

But I believe you.

You may go.

- Rude.

- Send in the next victim--

participant.

- [whimpering]

[door slams]

[ominous music]

- [screams]

- [giggling]

- OK, no.

Whatever this is, just no.

- Ahh!

I've got to figure out

why everybody thinks

I'm the most boring.

- Everybody doesn't.

All the votes haven't

even been cast.

You can still turn this around.

You just have to become as

interesting as possible.

- Hmm.

- The recent

queso expl*si*n unleashed

something awful from my past.

- Dairy issues.

Been there, sir.

- I am speaking, Chad,

of the sewer mutants.

If they aren't rounded up,

I will be ruuu-ined!

- OK, I'm only 11, but I'm

sure it's not your fault.

- The sewer mutants are

the result

of ill*gal cloning experiments

using stolen DNA.

- OK, so it's definitely

your fault.

- I-I need your help.

You are the key to capturing

these sins against nature.

- Who, me, Mr. Galvin?

- Why, my dear boy--

- [squeaks]

- You are their brother!

[upbeat music]



- Here's a picture

of you receiving

an award for loving animals.

- The only way I love

animals is hickory smoked

and drowning in mayo.

How'd you do that?

- You can manipulate

anything on the internet.

- "Love being a

hardworking single dad

to my lil' slugger."

Hold it.

I'm not a dad.

- And nor do you work hard.

It's the internet.

It doesn't have to be true.

- What other stuff

can we make up?

- I'm glad you asked.

5You can fix your face

or tell a little fib

Create a cooler version

of your life

You can really be

better than the real you

- I can?

- Oh, yeah, it's true

Doo doo doo doo doo

Gym selfies

and vacation pics

Anything and everything

to get those clicks

You can really be

better than the real you

- I think I'm getting it.

- Yeah, I'm sure you do.

- Anytime I go online

I can pretend that

I'm doing fine

And I have a little hunch

The people want to see

what I had for lunch

- Was it a sad

ham sandwich again?

- It was.

both: Humble brag

about your charity

Repost a meme

Hilarity

- I think I'm ready to be

better

Than the real me, yeah

- [screams, groans]

- Hey, man, you been

working out in there?

Looking swole, homie.

- Yes, hard time appears

to have changed you, Nate.

Hardened you.

- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, where are

Dee Dee and Chad?

- Dee Dee is helping Gina

with an existential crisis,

and Chad is--

[grunting]

- So, um, what was that

thing you said about me being

a sewer mutant's brother?

- Well, I guess it's

only fair to tell you.

A few years ago, your parents

donated your body to science.

- [gasps]

Aren't they supposed to wait

till I'm kinda dead?

- That was one option, yes.

Anywho, it didn't go as

swimmingly as I'd hoped.

And the original Chad

was misplaced.

- Don't beat yourself up,

Mr. Galvin.

I lose stuff all the time.

- And my early attempts

to reanimate your DNA were--

- [screeching]

- Unsuccessful.

- [gasps]

Are you saying I'm a clone?

- Heavens, no, Chad.

Nothing like that.

You're simply a gelatinous

blob of genetic material

synthesized into a

mostly functional replica

of an actual human being.

- Oh, OK.

Whew. Good to know.

- Yeah, that sounds

about right.

So what are we doing today

with my newfound freedom?

- My uncle Pedro just

built a skateboard ramp

out of rusty scrap metal.

Looks really dangerous.

- Nice!

- [panting]

Hey, hey. [panting]

We got ourselves a problem,

porcupine head.

My middle school crush,

Barbara,

has been reaching out to me.

She wants to meet up

at the reunion.

- [gasps] Whoa, whoa.

No, no, no.

You see, my dad

actually dated Barbara.

You should stay

away from her, man.

- No, I got to see her.

She was the one who got away.

Well, one of the ones

who got away.

A lot have gotten away,

now that I think about it.

- Look, it's one thing

to be awesome online,

but being awesome in person,

yeah, that's way harder.

- That's why you're gonna do

what you did for me online

but in real life.

Or I can always throw

you back in gen pop.

- [grunting]

- [groans]

- OK, Gina,

let's see what you got.

[upbeat Irish music]



[chuckles]



Oh, oh, OK, there's more.

- 3.1415926535879

- Hey, cut.

Stop. [whistles]

- [grunts]

[crashing]

- Huh.

Not sure this is

gonna do the trick.

Um, do you have any

other interesting hobbies

that might be a little

less whatever that was?

- Well, there's spreadsheets.

That's a biggie.

The psychology of fruit flies,

fungus cultivation,

notable state birds

of the Midwest.

- You know what?

If we're gonna make this work,

I need to do a deep dive.

I need to go straight

to the source.

- Meaning what?

- Gina, I never

thought I'd say this,

but can I come

over to your house?

- It's time to put some drip

on that old hip.

- Work it.

[intense electronic music]

- [growls]



- [coughs]

[screams]

- You look so cool



- All right.

- [squealing]

- [grunting]

[squeaking]

- Well, that should

be the last of them.

All that's left is

for you to take

these sewer mutants out into

the woods and get rid of them.

- [chuckles] Wait, what?

- Help yourself to

anything in the fridge.

Those mustard packets have

a few months left in them.

- Thanks, I'm good.

Anyway, looks like you're ready

to wow Barbara at the reunion,

so I'm just gonna skedaddle.

[screams]

- Nice try, scrub.

You're coming too.

- What? Why?

- For some reason,

it's way more impressive

when a guy raises a kid alone

than when a woman does it.

- No, I mean,

why do I have to go?

- Oh, Barbara's

bringing her son, Randy,

so the two of you can

just hang out.

- Randy knows you're not

my dad, and he hates me.

[whines] Do I have to?

- We just got a new

shipment of microchips

from Singapore, if you want to

get back to making cell phones.

[phone ringing]

[suspenseful music]

- What?

Rodeo champion?

Undefeated marathon runner?

First preteen in space

to meet the president?

[gasps] For real?

This is your life?

[gasps] Whoa.

- It's just the boring stuff me

and my muscular Nobel Prize-

winning dads are into.

- No, this is interesting.

- Really?

- Gina, I feel

a song coming on.

You have climbed the Alps

Discovered cavemen bones

Healed the sick and

dying with your trombone

You are totally better

as the real you

- You really think so?

- You bet I do

Exotic pets and botany

The polar opposite

of monotony

Trust me, Gina, you are

better as the real you

- I'm not boring?

- Girl, get a clue

- You can say

I'm not that cool

That's fine with me

'cause now I know I rule

And maybe I'm an

acquired taste

But I know a lot

about outer space

- Oh, yeah?

- I'm already taking

11th grade physics.

both: A music whiz who

speaks Cantonese

Working on a cure

for Crohn's disease

- It's time to show

the world I'm better

As the real me

Yeah!

- Wow, you're so tan.

I can't believe you're single.

- My wife had

a modeling accident,

so it's just me

and the boy now. [chuckles]

You'll have to excuse him.

He's been a little timid

ever since his gorgeous mom

fell in that volcano.

Get it together, P-head.

Tell them how much we

love doing activities

or whatever together.

- This isn't gonna work.

Barbara dated my dad.

She's gonna recognize me.

- Well, can't you do, like,

an accent or something?

Or walk with a limp?

Let me hurt your leg

real quick.

[door rattles]

[smooth jazz music]

Whoa.



- [laughs mischievously]

- [gasps] Ahh!

- [chuckles]

Milady.

- Hey, there. You made it.

Oh, I can't wait to catch up.

Is this your son?

- [laughs] Yeah,

he's my little mini me.

[chuckles]

Why don't you

and your new friend Randy

go play with dead squirrel

parts or something?

[laughs]

[soft dramatic music]

- I can't believe you

did all this for me.

Thank you.

- No worries.

I've really liked getting

to know the real you.

And the whole school

is going to, too.

Hey, if I ever need

to prepare for an acting role

as a homicidal maniac

or evil dictator,

is it cool if I shadow you

for research?

- I'd be honored.

- People say "pyramid scheme"

like it's a bad thing.

And yet tourists flock to

Egypt every year to see what?

[laughs]

That's right, pyramids.

- Your job sounds

so interesting.

- Good, because I

have the opportunity

of a lifetime for you.

How would you like

to be your own boss?

- [groans]

I'm bored.

Turn around and let me give

you a wedgie with my spork.

- What?

No, I'm not--no.

- Do it or I'm telling

my mom that you're

running some creepy scam with

that weird, tan guy, Nate.

- Come on, man.

I don't want to go

back to detention.

And his life, it's just so sad.

- Really?

- [chuckles]

Jackpot.

Chance to bully a

bigger loser than you

is too good to pass up.

- Is y'all simple?

Go on, get.

Ain't nobody got nothin'

for you no more.

[sobbing]

I ain't fixin' to miss

a single one of y'all.

[sobbing]

I said--oh?

[monsters tittering]

Uh-oh.

That's probably not good.

[tense music]

- [screeches]

- The late bloomer award

goes to

Oh! Coach Joe, Jr.

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs]

Oh, man.

I got so many people to thank.

First off, Barbara,

I mean, we just reconnected,

but I think you might be

the love of my life.

- That's weird

but sweet, I guess.

[chuckles]

- And obviously, my podiatrist.

[air horn blares]

- Yo, yo, DJ Randy-One Savage

in the building!

[air horn blaring]

- [grunting]

[growls]

- [laughs]

Coach John is a

fraudulent turd merchant.

He's not a single dad.

I bet he even bought

those jeans pre-ripped.

- Pre-ripped? What a loser.

- I can't believe it.

- Look, I may have embellished

a little on the internet

and in person.

I'm not really this tan.

[sighs] The truth is,

I had to reinvent myself

after the pain

I caused you all when

I ruined Christmas.

- Oh!

That's where I

recognized you from.

You're the Christmas ruiner!

- Wow.

Wow, so you're--

you're the Christmas ruiner.

That's right.

- --nowhere around here, man!

- Barbara?

Hey, wait.

Don't leave.

I will literally

sell a kidney to buy

into your pyramid scheme.

- Sorry, but dishonesty has no

place in multi-level marketing.

[somber music]

- [laughs]

- Yeah!

Prepare your minds to be blown

by the most interesting kid

in the school!

When I say Gina,

you say Hemphill-Toms.

Gina!

- Hoffleton.

- Hofflestein.

- Gina!

- Heffle--

[indistinct murmuring]

Eh, close enough.

Break a leg.

[dramatic tone]

[crowd gasping]

[dramatic music]

[trombone playing]



- Can't I just go home

and watch

turkey fryer fails

until I pass out?

- You should not

be alone right now.

Plus, this might cheer you up.

- How is this

gonna cheer me up?

- Well, Gina's doing

something really dangerous

that could go horribly wrong.

That's fun, right?



- [laughs]

[slam]

[music stops]

[tense music]

[monsters chittering,

screeching]

- [groaning]

Oh, wait.

[screams] No, stop!



[screaming]

- It's up to heroes like us

to be the sheepdogs.

That won't stop these animals!

We gotta destroy

the Tickle-Me Garys

before they do

any more damage!

[whistle blows]

That won't stop these animals!

[whimpering]

- Ow! Ow!

- [cackles]

- [whimpers]

[screeching, chittering]

- Sir, yes, sir, Papa!

- What are you--oh, boy.

- USA! USA!

USA! USA!

[grumbling]

[roars]

[cheering]

- They think it's

part of the show.

These kids are all

absolute dummies!

- Yep, most people are.

I have no idea how society

hasn't collapsed yet.

- Why did I ever

want their approval?

- Guess this means you won't be

electrocuting students anymore.

- [giggles]

Why would it mean that?

- I'm sorry the reunion

didn't go better

and that your expensive clothes

are unreturnable because

of your flop sweat and tears.

- Ah, I guess I don't have to

pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm perfect the way I am.

- You know, that

wouldn't be my takeaway.

- Papa?

- You did good, kid.

I'm proud.

I can rest in peace now.

And me and Gary can get back to

tickling the angels in heaven.

- Ha! Heaven is real!

I'm your new mom!

See you soon. Tee-hee-hee!

[soft dramatic music]

- You can fix your face

or tell a little fib

Create a cooler version

of your life

You can really be

better than the real you

- I can?

- Oh, yeah, it's true

Doo doo doo doo doo

both: Humble brag about

your charity

Repost a meme--hilarity

- I think I'm ready to be

better

Than the real me

Yeah