01x06 - Belles a Ringin'

[bunniefuu]

- Argh! Walk the plank!

- [loud wailing]

- [groans]

There goes another one.

- [wailing continues]

- My sister Ellen

and her boyfriend Gordie

broke upagain!

It's pretty much

wrecking everything.

Please enjoy this

deeply disturbing flashback

to see what I mean.

- Nothing like a little

father and son bonding,

don't you think?

- [loud sobbing]

- [screams]

Huh, only a little expired.

- [loud sobbing]

- Ah!

Awwoof!

- Gah!

- Ow! Dad!

- Shh.

- Is she done?

- [loud wailing]

- Ah!

- [sobbing]

- [groans]

This can't go on.

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- If a year's worth of sugar

and cheesy romance novels

gets my sister to stop crying,

I'm game.

- "The Purposefully

Accidental Bride."

Ooh, "Crabby Lust",

"Love Doth Know No Calories?"

Mmm.

You old enough

for these, brother?

- [chuckles] Yeah, brother.

Pretty sure I am.

- Hey, Zudy, one more restock

on Jane Steele's new book.

- Huh. This Jane Steele lady,

she's pretty popular, huh?

- Uh, yeah, little bro.

Romance novels

are major cash cows.

- [gasps] Cash cow?

- I totally would've written

a bunch of these myself by now,

but I need inspiration,

you know?

I need a muse.

- A muse, huh?

Ellen! Breakup present.

You're welcome.

- People that say

"you're welcome"

without getting thanked

are lame.

- [groans]

- Oh, my God, I know.

- [groans]

- I can't believe it either.

Yeah, seriously.

Why can't the guys

in real life be like

the ones in the Jane Steele

books, you know?

- Romance novels

are major cash cows.

All you need is

a muse, muse, muse.

[cow mooing]

- Moo, moo, moo.

- All these thought bubbles

are giving me a bright idea.

Time to turn

Ellen's teenage turmoil

into cold hard cash.

- I couldn't believe it either.

I mean we both know

there's someone else, right?

I wish somebody was out there,

somebody who would--

- Okay, so we open

with a princess,

sad and alone,

and really bad at singing.

Like, animals die

when she sings.

- [wailing]

- Then some prince dumps her,

so she's acting all lame

and crying and stuff.

But then she meets

a headless farmhand.

Oh, yeah.

They get married and have

lots of weird babies

and everything's great.

But then, Headless Guy

totally runs off

with her best maiden, leaving

the princess alone again,

but now with two babies

to care for.

And finished!

"Belle's a Ringin: A Tale of

Love, Loss, and Headless Lust."

Hey, hey, I know

what you're thinking.

Borrowing Ellen's pathetic life

for my own personal gain.

Uncool.

But hey, it's not like

she's gonna know.

Okay, let's see, let's see.

Fine print, fine print.

Rules, rules, rules,

rules, rules.

Submission guidelines.

Ooh, ooh!

I get to pick a pen name.

Wayneuh--

[dog howls]

Canine, attorney at law.

Profile photo? Uh-oh.

Okay, let's see.

"Super awesome

guy man dude person."

Huh. I guess this guy

looks pretty cool.

Yeah, just needs a mustache.

Ha! The resemblance is uncanny.

- I think it's fine.

Imitation is the

highest form of flattery.

- But you faked your identity.

What if you get caught?

- Hey, we're talking about

getting rich, Francis.

Money trumps ethics.

- Time is up, little ones.

- Already?

- Oh, man!

- Nate Wright and friends,

I am full of regret,

but I will need to receive

my pork butt back now.

[sniffs]

Delightful to the touch.

Is very good job

of meat tenderizing.

You will all receive

extra helping of cricket

at snack time.

- Ew!

- [groans]

- Oh, great.

What are we gonna do now?

Pork punching is, like, the

only safe activity out here.

- [humming] Ah!

[whistle blows]

[electrical zapping]

[children screaming]

- [snickering]

[grunts]

Worth it.

Yay!

- Well, hello, kiddos.

Fine sunny afternoon

for recess, isn't it?

- Are you joking?

This place looks like

it's been decimated

by a tornado.

[children scream]

- [chuckles] Oh, please.

This playground is old school.

Nah, you're getting

a true recess experience.

- Oh, no. Not again!

- Someone must've taken down

the soft pavement

warning signs.

Let me go lookay into that.

Gotta go!

[monster screeching]

- [groans]

- Oof!

[phone rings]

- Hello? Emotionally stable

household here.

- Yes, hello there, young man.

Can I please speak

with your father?

- Oh, he said

he sent the money

and to please stop

turning the water off.

- No, no, no, no.

I'm looking for Mr. Canine.

[dog howls]

Mr. Wayne Canine,

attorney at law?

- Oh, yeah!

Okay, uh, back in a jiffy.

Wayne! I mean, uh, uh,

Dad, phone!

[clears throat]

[deep voice]

Hello, Wayne Canine speaking.

[dog yelps]

- Samantha Stoneheart, editor

at Page Turners Inc. here.

We truly loved

your graphic novel.

- Oh, wow.

As you can tell

from my deep, mature,

and fully gone through

puberty voice,

I am overjoyed to hear this.

- Now we just need

to discuss your quote.

- [munching]

My, uh, my quote?

- We do have to pay you for

your first book, Mr. Canine.

[cow moos]

- Mm, yes, of course.

I would like 30

bags of cheesy snacks, please.

- You're sure

you only want 30 bags?

- Oh. I meant 30 hundred--

300 bags.

- Great. Consider it done.

We'll need the other five books

as required in your contract.

Just send me a list

of what you'd like as payment.

- Five other books?

- Okay, guys,

new plan for recess today.

- Anything to get out

of thorn bush tag.

[children yelping]

- Yikes.

- Hey, do I have anything

on my face?

I think the pain centers

in my brain shut down.

Oh!

- Ugh!

- So what's your recess

plan, Nate?

- Oh, you guys

are gonna love it.

You're all gonna

help me write five novels.

- Yes!

- What?

- Bro, you know I would do

anything for you.

Not really.

But why are we getting

roped into your problem?

- [chuckles]

300 bags of cheesy snacks

enough rope for you?

- Yup, that'll work.

- That's a lot of

Thiamine mononitrate.

- Yeah and that's

just the beginning.

They said they'd meet

whatever our demands are

for the next batch.

Here's the deal.

We spy on everyone we know,

borrow their life stories,

use our imaginations

to make them sound

actually interesting.

I draw up the art,

bada-bing, bada-boom,

five more graphic novels.

I mean, it's so complicated,

it might just work.

Dee Dee, stick to Nichols.

- On it.

- I know Mother,

but speed dating

just isn't what it used to be--

- [chatter]

- My love handles?

Do not make this

about my diet, Mother!

- Francis, you handle Godfrey.

- Location? Rackleff.

Hobbies? Cats.

Six things

I can't live without?

Well, I have seven cats

so I'm going to skip this one.

It wouldn't be fair

to Jermaine du-Purr.

- Teddy,

you've got Uncle Pedro.

- Hey, Uncle Pedro.

Do you have any fun stories

from middle school?

- And Chad, you have

the most dangerous job of all.

Chad?

- [giggling]

- What is he up to now?

- I'm almost there.

I'm almost there!

- Ugh, come on, Chad!

You can do it!

[all scream]

All right, no more vertical

slide for you this week, okay?

We need you in one piece.

- Okay, okay.

I promise.

- Now, I need you

to get some intel

on the girls in our grade,

okay, pal?

- Okay, Nate.

- And I'm on Ellen

rebound patrol.

Now, everyone scurry

in different directions.

Ready? Go.

[grunting] C'mon, Chad.

Let's go get you a chew toy.

- [grunting]

[chuckles]

Nate, what are you up to now?

[evil laughter]

Huh? Ah!

He's ok, but like he needs

to commit to his chin straps.

- Gotta write this down.

Gotta write this down.

Come on. Stupid bag.

Got it! But wait, am I in the--

[gasps]

[screams]

- Um, you okay in there?

- [high-pitched] Um, yes.

- Are you sure?

- Please go away!

- All right, fine.

Don't wanna hurt you.

- [sighs]

[yelps] Oh!

What do I do, what do I do,

what do I do, what do I do?

[loud groaning]

- [screams]

-There's no escape!

- I wonder

if this one's any good.

- This guy, Wayne Canine,

he's been making waves lately.

- Hmm

"Belle's A Ringin'," eh?

- One, you're like

a dream come true

- No, no!

- Two, just wanna

Be with you

Three

- Pew, pew, pew!

- It's like this book

was written for me.

And the author

is a low key snack.

Do you have a signed copy?

- No, but he's a local,

so I'm sure you can get one.

You know, I've been known to do

a little writin' myself,

mostly on my back.

- Yeah, okay, whatever, Zeff.

Did you say that Wayne Canine

is from Rackleff?

Amelia? Okay, I am obsessed.

Okay, so my fan petition

is to get him

to do a reading in town.

Will you sign?

Yay! I love you. Mwah!

- Butt cheeks,

do-do-da-do-do-do-da

Butt cheeks, yeah

Butt cheeks,

do-do-da-do-do-do-da

Butt cheeks

Butt cheeks, yeah

- [screams]

- Huh?

Wait

this isn't my litterbox.

Someone get me out of here!

Anyone, please.

- [laughs] All right.

Five books finished, time to

enjoy the fruits of our labor.

- Sweet! Matching outfits.

- Whoa!

- This is very suspicious,

Nate Wright.

- Nate, did you order a--

- A tiger!

We'll call her Linda.

- [roars]

- Ha! "The Cat Lady's Desire."

What the mustard sauce is this?

I'll take this as well,

young man.

- All right,

just a few more pennies.

- Principal Nichols!

- [yelps]

- This cat lady

remind you of anyone?

- I don't have time

to deal with this.

We had another student fall off

the vertical slide today.

- Fine, fine.

What about this spectacled owl?

Looks a tad like you,

doesn't he?

I'm sorry, Clara.

It's probably just

an enormous coincidence,

a'ight?

- Well, I for one am going

to this book signing

and demanding answers

from this Wayne Canine.

[dog howls]

- [sighs]

Hm, "chubby speed dating

headmaster

with an inherited

glandular problem."

[chuckles]

That sounds a lot like--what?

- So thanks to me, Wayne Canine

will be doing a book signing

in Rackleff.

[dog howls]

And I get to meet him.

- I think that's great, Ellen.

If it's okay with you,

I'd love to join.

- [groans] Okay, fine.

But just don't, like,

be super weird about it.

- We're doomed.

We're gonna get so busted.

- It's okay, it's okay.

Dee Dee's got this.

All we need is a real life

Wayne Canine.

[dog howls]

Whose dog is that?

- As in an adult to play along

with our plan?

- No, we need someone

so forgettable

and unrecognizable,

that not a soul in Rackleff

will suspect a thing.

- Well, yeah,

but how can we find someone

so utterly pathetic

and completely unknown?

- [yelps]

- [chuckles]

- Nate Wright,

whose tiger is in the yard?

- Okay, I'm really,

really sorry.

But Dad,

I did it for the family.

All right, it was

purely selfish.

Will you please

just help us, Dad?

Think of Ellen,

your only daughter.

I mean if Wayne Canine is

a no-show at the book signing,

she's gonna be heartbroken

all over again.

She needs you.

I need you, Dad.

[all whimpering]

- [sniffles]

- Wow, Dad.

You look, uh, like--

- A handsome detective--

[gasps] right?

- Uh, yeah, okay, sure.

that's totally

what I was gonna say.

Now remember, you're gonna

have me in your ear

for the question

and answer part

so I can feed you

"author jargon."

I'll be right outside

the book store

in a creepy old station wagon.

- You mean my station wagon?

- Yeah, yeah,

that's the station wagon.

- Here's the plan.

I'll be manning base command.

Teddy, you run

in-store surveillance.

Francis, you're with Nate.

And Chad, you--

Chad?

Has anybody seen Chad?

- Who's Chad?

[desolate music]

- [deep voice]

Do you have anything

to say for yourself, Henry?

[high-pitched] Those mulch

piles were public property.

I had every right.

[gasping]

I will have order.

Order in this court, I say.

Order!

[gasps]

Ah, delivery is here, sweetie.

Oh! [sniffs]

[rabid munching]

- Dad, are we carpooling?

- Be down in a jiff,

sweetheart.

Oh, oh, um, we gotta bring

Nate and his friends, okay?

We're, uh, fumigating.

- Ugh, Dad!

- Cheese and rice, Martin.

This was your chance

to bond with your daughter.

Don't blow this!

[mustache tears] Ah!

- [chuckles]

- Hey, why don't you all

head in. I have to--

- Okay, I'll save you

a spot maybe.

- Okay, you've got like

t-minus five seconds

to become Wayne again, Dad.

- Hey, look, he's here.

It's Wayne Canine!

- Oh, hey, uh, hi.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming out.

- Excuse me, Mr. Canine,

make it out to

your, uh, biggest fan.

- [chokes up]

- Thank you, thank you!

Oh, I will treasure

this forever.

- Nate,

I'll be your Wayne Canine

whenever you need me to.

And so they rode on,

through the ozone layer,

on fire,

in real life

and also metaphorically.

The end.

[crowd cheering]

- [laughs] Wow!

I am such a great writer.

Oh, nice work, Dad.

They totally bought it.

- No need to give me

all the cred.

Huh? Ah!

- I have a question.

- Ah, yes.

Uh, the young lady

in the front.

- Hi. Clara Godfrey,

heroic local school teacher--

- No, no, no! Don't call her!

Peligrosa, peligrosa!

- No!

Sorry, sorry,

the lady next to you.

- Hmph!

- [chuckles]

- Whew!

- [screams]

- [grumbling]

- No, Linda,

this is not a chew toy.

[flames roaring]

- Huh?

- [groans]

- Yes, thank you. I was

wondering,

do you have

any new artwork to share?

- Oh, why, I do, actually.

I brought along a little--

- Nate, the owl and cat

are in the coop.

I repeat, they are in the coop.

The only artwork we gave Wayne

is not gonna be a good look.

Everybody, hello?

Is anybody there?

- [groaning]

What's the matter

with this thing?

Ooh, Dee Dee, come in.

- Ah!

[growls]

- [whimpers]

- It's gotta be in here.

Oh, I found it.

The Headmaster and the Cat Lady

in Tabby Temptation.

[both gasp and growl]

- We're too late!

- Well, I guess

that kinda went okay.

- Hey, Mr. Canine!

[all gasp]

- Oh, hi sweet--I mean,

hello again, young lady.

- I just want to tell you,

well, I mean you're

pretty much my idol

and I mean

I basically want to be you.

- Oh, well, uh, I, uh--

- Mr. Canine, are you okay?

- No, no, no!

- [stammering]

I can't continue this charade.

I'm a horrible person.

Why didn't I stay in that well?

Ellen, it's me.

It's your father.

- Dad?

You big jerk!

- Ellen, please, stop!

- How could you do this to me?

[sobs]

- Ellen, wait! I can explain!

She's never gonna forgive me.

- She was already a total

train wreck

so it's a win-win.

Oh, it's Ellen! Scatter, boys!

[brakes screech]

- Dude, your pops

just got kidnapped

by a couple mascots.

- Yeah, yeah, that's my bad.

That totally wasn't Ellen.

- [roars]

all: Dee Dee?

- Need a ride?

- You bet your ferocious

jungle cat we do.

Now, after that

creepy abduction van!

- [roars]

- Ah!

[ball pops and deflates]

[yelps]

Please! I'll give you anything!

Except money.

I don't have that.

- [muffled]

Shut up and sit down.

I'm gonna skewer you

like a kabob

if you don't answer

my questions.

- Oh, um,

it's hard to hear you.

I think because

of the crummy costumes.

Oh! Oh, no!

- How did you

infiltrate P.S. 38?

- Who are you working for?

- Say, aren't you

my kid's teachers?

[mustache tears]

[screams]

[both gasp]

both: Martin Wright?

- I knew Nate was involved!

- Hey, when did she get here?

- I simply cannot believe

you'd co-conspire

with your son.

- I'd do anything for my son!

I think I stood up too fast.

- [roars]

- Wait, wait, wait,

don't hurt him!

It's my fault.

- Nobody's hurting anyone,

Nate.

Mr. Wright,

if you truly love your son,

then you'll understand that

he must be taught a lesson.

- Prison?

- You're gonna take my thumbs?

- What? Goodness, no.

- We've got something

better planned.

It's called "The Pathetic

Love Life of Gnate."

About a boy named Gnate,

with a G,

who's in love with a girl

named GJenny, also with a G.

And even though

they've barely ever spoken,

Gnate somehow thinks

they belong together.

- You wouldn't! I'd be a goner.

Teased for the rest

of my middle school career.

- It wouldn't be too nice

of her to borrow stories

from your personal life

without consent, now would it?

- [groans] No, it wouldn't.

What I did was--it was wrong.

I shouldn't have

exploited my family

or my teachers

for my own personal gain.

It was wrong, and I'm sorry.

[ball pops and hisses]

Ah! But you know what?

I think I know a way

I can make this right.

- You did the right thing

by donating

all of your earnings

to the school.

Guess that

imagination of yours paid off,

didn't it, Nate?

- Whoo-hoo!

This doesn't change

anything, Nate!

- [growling]

- I think we got ourselves

a new mascot.

- Linda is most welcome change.

- Whoo, I'm free!

- [shouting]

[chuckles]

- Butt cheeks,

do-do-da do-do-do-da

Butt cheeks, yeah

Butt cheeks,

do-do-da-do-do-do-da

Butt cheeks

Butt cheeks, yeah

Bu-u-u-utt

Butt cheeks,

it's now or never

Butt cheeks,

hold your legs together

Butt cheeks,

in plaid or pleather

Butt cheeks

make the way forever