11x12 & 11x13 & 11x14 - "Too Big to Fail"/Metal Detector

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV ♪

We have beers.

We're gonna party.

Yeah.

It's gonna be cool.

Whoa.
Beavis, check it out.

- Eviction notice.
- It's our landlord.

Maybe she heard
about our party.

Yeah, it's about time
she lightened up a little.

Yeah.

Uh...

hey, baby.

Cut the sh*t.

You have 30 days
to pay the rent,

or I'm gonna come
back here and throw

your fat a*s out the door.

Yeah, if his a*s
even fits out the door.

Ah.

This sucks, Butt-Head.

They're gonna throw us
out of our apartment

if your fat a*s
fits out the door.

Wait a second, Beavis.

That gives me an idea.

Yeah, we could, like,
work and make some money

so that we can pay
the rent--aah!

No, dumbass.

What if, what if, Beavis,

what if my fat a*s
doesn't fit out the door?

What if I get so fat,
I can't fit through the door,

not my a*s, not any part of me,
not even my fat face?

Then we can stay here forever.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

That's really fat.

It will be a great
challenge, Beavis.

But I know I have it in me.

You said "in me."

Ice.

Let's get some fruits
in this bad boy.

"Let's get some fruits
in this bad boy."

Fruit sucks.

Rum!

He's like, um,

"Well, this rum should k*ll
the taste of the fruit."

Yeah.

If he didn't put
that fruit in there,

he wouldn't need any rum.

Uh, yeah, he would, yeah.

Uh, oh, yeah.

Uh, why's he doing this?

What is this?
- Uh...

I think this is for, like,
a five-year-old's

birthday party
or something.

And the theme is alcoholism.

Yeah.

And then the piñata
is just gonna be, like,

a drunk guy
passed out on the sidewalk.

Whoa.

That's gonna be a good
five-year-old birthday party

right there.

And then they'll have, like,

a bouncy homeless shelter.

You know, Butt-Head, um,
all kidding aside,

I just want to say, um,
you know,

underage drinking
is a real problem, you know?

Exactly, Beavis.

That's an important message.

But the sad truth is,
most young kids these days

aren't cool enough
to underage drink.

Yeah.
Yeah, stick to milk, losers.

Let's save the wine for last,

OK, 'cause it's a special...

You know, um--
you know, it's cool

that this guy is, like,
making drinking fun again,

you know, 'cause, um--

'cause usually
I just think of it

as something that I have to do,
you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, it's like,
"Eh, I don't want the shakes.

Got to do this again.
Oh, boy."

Yeah.

I drank, like, the first
six beers because I have to.

And then the rest is for me.

Yeah, it's about 12 for me.

Box wine!

This video cost him
custody of his children.

It's like, how did I know
when I hit rock bottom?

Well, I have a video of it.

Here it is.

Oh, yeah.

Rock bottom is cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I want to hit
rock bottom, yeah.

I feel like I'm close.

Oh, you will, Beavis.

I have faith in you.

Uh...

are you drunk right now?

Well, um, well,
my head doesn't hurt,

so, um, I guess so, yeah.

Cool.

Life is good, yeah.

I appreciate that.
Later!

There you go.



you can't fit out the door.

And so it begins.

It's hero time.

You can do it, Butt-Head.

I believe in you.

Oh, yeah.

Huh.
Now I'm a little hungry.

No, Beavis.

This is all for me.

But, um, I just, like, um--

I haven't had lunch yet
'cause I was, um--

I was buying hot dogs
and putting them in a bag.

Beavis, if I don't eat
all this food,

I won't get fat enough.

Do you want us to get evicted?

No, but, um, just 'cause
you need to get fat

doesn't mean I can't eat.

Yes, it does.

Every bite of food you eat
is one less ounce of fat

jamming me in the doorway.

Eh, I guess that's true,
but--

I'm eating
for two now, Beavis.

And you're eating for zero.

I can't do it, Beavis.

I'm full.

You're full
when I say you're full!

The landlord's gonna come
evict us tomorrow, Butt-Head.

Look how fat I am.

I'm never gonna fit.

Eh, yeah, that's cool, yeah.

Kick-a*s, yeah.

But, um, so I was thinking,
since you're, like,

so fat now, maybe I could
eat a little bit of your food?

Damn it, Beavis,

what if tomorrow I don't
get a big enough breakfast

and I lose weight?

Then that sheriff will
put us out on the street.

Uh, I know,

but I'm, like, really hungry.

I've been living off crumbs
I find on the ground.

God damn it, Beavis,

those crumbs are for me.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Now, I'm going to bed.

You better not
touch my breakfast.

Hey, Beavis.

Get up and help me
eat my breakfast.

We got to--what the hell?

Huh?

Where did the food go?

No one knows who ate it.
Yeah.

Beavis, you backstabbing
son of a b*tch.

I better not fit
through that door.

Damn it.
Nice job, butthole.

I'm not fat enough.

Oh, no.

It's the landlord
with her cowboy friend.

Damn it, Beavis.

And now we're out of food
'cause you ate my nachos.

Wait a second.

What about that case of beer
you were saving

so you could party
with the landlord?

Keep 'em coming.

Come on.
Keep drinking beer, Butt-Head.

It's our only hope.

Shotgun it, Butt-Head.
There's no time.

Open the door, Beavis.

We have nothing to fear.

Hey, how's it going?

Your 30 days is up.

You're out of here.

Oh, am I?

Good luck, buttholes.

Come on, push.

Try turning him sideways.

Go ahead.

Be my guest.

Care to try me upside down?

If the butt doesn't fit,
you can't evict.

We did it, Butt-Head.
You didn't fit.

Beavis, this is
the greatest thing

anyone has ever accomplished.

Um, what's that noise,
Butt-Head?

There he is.

I'm putting the strap on him!

He said "strap on."

Whoa!

We failed.

Yeah.

- ♪ Swipe right ♪
- ♪ With David Van Driessen ♪

- ♪ All night ♪
- ♪ With David Van Driessen ♪

♪ Hold tight ♪

♪ 'Cause
David Van Driessen's ♪

♪ Gonna make things
out of sight ♪

"Swipe Right
with David Van Driessen":

the dating adventures
of Highland's

most eligible vegan bachelor.

This tofu is really--

I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Mention my name.
You'll get a good seat.

Uh-huh.

♪ Swipe right with
David Van Driessen tonight ♪

Eh, this place sucks.

We should go somewhere else.

Uh, every other place
sucks too.

Yeah, that's true, yeah.

Oh, check it out.

It's that old butthole.

Hey, old butthole.

What are you doing?

What was that, boys?

Sorry, I'm just looking
for buried treasure

with my old metal detector.

So far, I found


an old belt buckle,
and a doorknob

that'll be good as new once
I polish the rust off of it.

So are you gonna, like,
polish your knob?

Why, yes, I am gonna
polish my knob.

I'm gonna polish it up
real good, I'll tell you what.

Now, ordinarily I'd ask my wife
to polish it for me.

Well, she wouldn't mind
doing it.

It's the sort of work
she enjoys.

I bet she does.

But in this case,
I think it'll feel

especially satisfying
to polish my own knob.

Do you know
what I'm talking about, boys?

I do, yeah.
Yeah, I sure do, yeah.

He really does, sir.

Beavis spanks it 24-7.

You boys mind
watching my stuff while

I get a cold one?

I'm just worried
about those two bad kids

who live around here,
Blovis and Bustamante.

Bustamante.

Well, thank you kindly.

Is that old guy gonna
go spank his monkey now?

Of course he is.
That's all he can talk about.

Come on, let's find
some treasure with this thing

before he finishes spanking
his monkey and comes back.

Well, we better hurry,
'cause, um,

he seemed
really excited about it,

so he probably won't take
too long, you know?

Well, hello there,
friends!

Without a shadow of a doubt,
one of the first vegetables

I fell in love with.

Whoa, he fell in love
with vegetables?

Creamed spinach...

Yeah...

He was like,

"You know, like everybody,
you know,

"I did it with a lot
of cabbages, you know.

But then when I met
the spinach, ooh."

"But when I met-a
the spinach,

"my heart go boing,
boing, le boing,

b-b-boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing."

What's this guy making?

He's making a dish
called spinach and water.

It sucks.

Uh, wait a minute.
Is spinach real?

I thought it was that stuff
in the cartoon

that makes Popeye's
right arm really huge.

Well, that's
what they tell you.

But it's something else
that makes Popeye's

right arm really huge, Beavis.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know Popeye
spanks his monkey a lot

'cause his girlfriend's
name is Olive Oyl.

"Your name
is-a the same thing

that I put on my wiener."

"I love you."

We have beautiful, beautiful
green spinach, you see?

This guy would never
make it at Burger World.

He'd be like,

"Would you like a side
of-a spinach with the spinach?

"For $1 extra, I give you
some more spinach.

A-thank you. Drive through."

"We have a new menu item."

It's called a spinach,
a spinach, a spinach, yes."

"What, you want-a french fry?
No way."

"I don't make-a french fry."

"I'm French.
I make-a spinach.

"OK, I read your order
back to you.

"A spinach, a spinach,
a spinach,

and a spinach à la spinach,"
yeah.

And then we're gonna
put the cheese.

He's just, like, gonna
keep adding cheese and cheese

and butter and cream
until he kills off

the taste of spinach.

Why is he even
putting spinach in it?

Uh, because
he's in love with spinach.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Add bacon bits to it.

I mean, you can do so many
things with this, friends, huh?

"I don't care.

"Sometimes I throw
the bacon bits in the spinach.

"I throw the dirt
in the spinach.

"I throw the spinach
in the trash can.

I don't care!
I'm crazy!"

"I miss you so much, spinach."

"I want to score
with you again!"

"Why you leave me, spinach?"

I'm not gonna eat
all this, see?

'Cause this is
a little too much...

"Yeah, I'm not gonna eat
all this, see?

I'm gonna go spank
my monkey to it, yeah."

Now let's find
some treasures, butthole.

When I find metal,
you dig it up with the shovel.

Metal.

Um, it's one of those things
with numbers on it.

Numbers suck.

Metal.

Whoa!

Uh, this money is old.

We need, like, new money.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, Butt-Head, do you think
it can detect your braces?

They're metal.
- Uh...

let's see.

Metal.

Damn it, what'd you
do that for, dumbass?

Uh, it beeped.

I thought there was treasure
in your mouth or something.

Yeah.

If you try to dig
for treasure in my mouth

one more time,
I'm gonna kick your a*s.

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

My bad, yeah.

We got to detect
some g*dd*mn metal treasure

around here somewhere.

Metal.

Whoa.

There must be treasure in here.

Let's see here.

Metal.

Whoa, cool.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Metal.

You're supposed to dig,
dumbass,

not just hit it with a shovel.

Well, you can't dig
a chair, Butt-Head.

Uh, oh, yeah.

Metal.

See, there's more metal now
than before I hit it.

Uh, that metal's
all dirty and stuff.

It's got to be shiny
to be treasure.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's got to be shiny, yeah.

Metal.

Now look what you did, dumbass.

Well, maybe there's some
treasure in the window.

Yeah.

Uh, oh, yeah.

I heard a beep.

Well, we better get in there.

You said "in there."

No, sir, there's nothing
like a cold one and a hobby,

I tell you what.

I don't know, Butt-Head.

Do you think there's
treasure in here?

It looks like someone's
house or something.

Well, there's only
one way to find out:

with this metal detector.

Maybe there's treasure
in here.

Got to stick with it, Beavis.

Yep, that's right.

No substitute for hard work.

Uh, hmm.

I don't think there's any--

Uh, what'd you do that for?

It didn't beep.

Eh, you can't be
too sure, you know?

This thing doesn't work.

Yeah, it sucks.

There was no treasure,
and we didn't get rich.

What in the hell?
What happened to my lawn chair?

Whoa, that old guy
is coming over here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we better go
before he comes in here

and starts spanking his monkey
all over the place.

If I find out that Blovis
and Bustamante

had something to do with this,
I swear to God--

oh!

What the hell happened
to my house?

Good God Almighty!

I can hear him spanking
his monkey already.

Oh, God.

- Really getting into it.
- My commemorative plates.

Ah-ah!
- Come up for air.

I'm gonna k*ll somebody
over this!

Jesus Christ.

Yep, that guy
is a real pervert.

Good God, it's everywhere.

Damn it!

Marcie, where's my g*n?

Chirp.