11x27 & 11x28 - Million Dollar Reward/Get Well Soon

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV ♪

Uh, your brain
weighs almost nothing.

What a dumbass.

Shut up, Butt-Head!

Weigh it again.

I'm gonna think
about something heavy,

like rocks or something heavy.

Wait a minute, Beavis.

Check it out.

Whoa.

Wow, that guy is cool.

Yes, he is very cool.

But look, it says, like,
he did a crime or something?

And if you turn him in
to the police,

you get, uh, a million dollars.

Oh, so if you, like,
find a guy who did a crime

and turn him into the police,
you get a million dollars?

Beavis, I've got an idea.

Uh, sir, Beavis
did, like, a crime.

I'm turning him in.

That's right. Yeah.

Yeah.
Give us a million dollars.

Yeah.

What crime did he do?

Uh...

Huh, uh, that one's
a stumper, isn't it?

Uh, sir, can you
give us a minute?

Um, I spanked my monkey.

That's not a crime.

It's not?

Whoa!

You know, that's cool.

Are you sure, sir?

I heard him doing it,
and it was violent.

Yeah, that's not a crime.

Uh, can you give us
another minute, sir?

Tell him you stole a house.

Yeah, I don't know.

If spanking your
monkey is allowed,

maybe that's allowed too.

Uh, yeah.

That's true.

This is hard.

We thought of a crime, sir.

Yeah, I stabbed a tree.

Just get out of here, okay?

Hey, they look
like derelicts.

We should ask them if they know
anything about all the graffiti

around 26th Street.

Uh, is graffiti a crime?

Yeah.

Then Beavis did it.

Yeah. That's right.

Okay. Book him.

Yes!

We're gonna
be millionaires.

I wish it didn't
have to be this way.

I really do.

But sometimes in life, we have
to protect our own heart,

even if it means ripping
it out of our chest.

- Yes!
- Ooh, yeah!

Hell yeah.

That's how we
do it around here.

Yeah.

America! Yeah.

I bet we could do
better than those guys.

We should become hit men.

Yeah, yeah, really.

That's a good idea. Yeah.

How do you become
a hit man, though?

Oh, I know.

Maybe I'll ask at the
unemployment office, yeah.

See if they have any
hit man jobs, you know?

Uh, sure.

Can't hurt to ask.

You know,
at my last job interview,

the guy asked me
to stop jiggling my leg.

And I said, shut up,
or I'm gonna k*ll you!

But see, this time
on this job interview,

that might get me the job,
see?

Oh, this is good.

This is good. Yeah.

And I'll tell you something.

If I was a hit man, I would be
the model of professionalism.

And I would even clean
the grease traps

if they wanted me to,
you know?

Uh, there aren't
any grease traps

when you're a hit man, dumbass.

Yeah, there are.
They're on the grill.

You're thinking
of Burger World.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but, um, you know,
I could do all my hits

in Burger World, you know?

Mix business with pleasure,
you know?

Oh, you know what else, um?

Like, if I ran out of
b*ll*ts or something,

I'd give 'em, like,
a triple cheeseburger

with a side of Macho Fries,

and then they just die
of heart disease, you know?

I got time.

Also, like,
if you were a hit man,

and you didn't wanna come in
to work one day 'cause, like,

it was the weekend, you could
just say your grandma died.

And then if they said
they were gonna go check,

you could just k*ll her.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, wait a second.

I don't like that, Butt-Head.
That's messed up.

You said you have to work
on weekends as a hit man?

Uh, I think you have to work

whenever someone
needs k*lling.

Uh, yeah, this might
not work out.

It was a beautiful dream.

Felony vandalism.

That's a serious charge.

That's right, sir.
It sure is.

We're gonna get
a million dollars, yeah.

Damn right.

Well, I promise you,
Mr. Beavis, as your lawyer,

I will do everything
I can to get you off.

Well, okay, I guess.

But I'd rather it was
with a chick, you know?

Court is now in session
for the trial

of the State of Texas
versus Beavis.

Prosecution, you may
call your first witness.

There's been a whole lot
of graffiti on the side

of the Maxi Mart and all
over the neighborhood--

a lot of g*ng tags
and obscenities.

Whoa, cool.

Yeah, the crime
I did kicks a*s.

Yeah.

You do cool crimes.

Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah.

Um, I do lots
of cool crimes, Your Honor.

Can those 12 guys
over there hear me?

Did you hear that?
Lots of cool crimes I do.

He told me to my face
that he did it.

He confessed.

But isn't it true
that you railroaded him

into that confession?

Rail.

My lawyer is a perv.

The defense calls
Mr. Butt-Head to the stand

as a character witness.

You've been friends
with Beavis your whole life,

is that correct?

Uh, he's not
really my friend.

But you lived together
for 20 years.

I'd like to take the 69th.

The defense calls
Mr. Beavis to the stand

in his own defense.

Mr. Beavis, we've heard
a lot here today.

And I bet you're
eager to finally

tell your side of the story.

Eh. This is boring.

How long is this gonna take?

I'm just here to get
my million dollars.

Yeah.

What million dollars?

You know,
my million dollar reward

for turning myself in
for doing a crime.

There's no reward,
Mr. Beavis.

If this court finds you guilty,
you don't get any money.

What?

You go to jail.

Now, that sucks.

Um, I have one more question
for the judge.

Proceed.

Um, is spanking your monkey
against the law?

'Cause they told me it wasn't,

and now it's just
not as fun anymore.

And so, Mr. Beavis, you
didn't do any of this graffiti?

No, sir.

In fact, you couldn't have,

because you don't even know
your letters.

I'd just like to state for
the record that reading sucks.

The only reason you
confessed to the crime

was you mistakenly
believed you would

be paid one million dollars.

Do I get a million dollars?

'Cause I'm still not


No.

Eh, that sucks.

The defense rests.

Your Honor, we have
just come into a new piece

of evidence we'd like
to enter into the record.

I'll allow it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we did do graffiti. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, let the record show
that it's a butt.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Um, Your Honor,
was this in 2024?

I was drunk that year.

I don't remember
barely any of it.

We, the jury,
find the defendants guilty.

Wait a second.

Who's the defendants?
I thought we did it.

Yeah.

Someone tell her
she got the wrong guys.

At least these guys
know what's up.

Yeah, really.

Beavis, we're gonna
get a million dollars.

Our plan worked. Yeah.

Oh, my God,
feel better, Cody.

I wanna sign it next.

'Sup.

I'll carry your books, Cody.

Butt-Head, what's going on?

Why are all those chicks being
nice to Cody when he sucks?

Uh, I think it's 'cause
he has a cast.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they feel sorry
for him and stuff.

And when chicks
feels sorry for you,

you're halfway to scoring.

Yeah, they sign your cast,
and then they, like,

do other stuff.

You know what I'm saying?

Wait a minute.

Beavis, you gotta break my arm
so I can get a cast on it.

Yeah, and then you
can break my arm, too,

and then we'll both score.

Yeah.

No, that would be too much.

If everyone has a cast, then
no one has a cast or something.

Now, mess my arm up real good.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go ahead
and just break this bad boy.

Yeah.

Just break it already, dumbass.

Lift with your legs
or something.

Uh!

Damn it, Beavis,
I said break it.

Don't hurt it.

Ah!

I guess we're gonna have
to think of some other way.

Well, no one ever got any
thinking done here at school.

You know, they should
have a place where you can,

like, learn how to do stuff.

Like, if there was something
you didn't know,

there would be people who
would, like, teach it to you.

You know?

That would make
too much sense, Beavis.

Yeah, really.

Hi.

Welcome to Y2K'S
"Big Fun, Fun Show."

I'm your host, Y2K.

I'd like to introduce you
to today's very fun,

very special guest,
Baby No Money.

Baby No Money?

Most rappers, like, brag
about how much money they have,

but not Baby No Money.

He's poor.

Yeah.

He's got the lowest
self-esteem in hip-hop.

He got his suit
at the Goodwill.

He's one of those guys
who sings all, like, drowsy,

like he's taking
sleeping pills.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, everyone sings
like that, yeah.

Yeah, sometimes
I talk like that

when I take a bunch of codeine
cough syrup, you know?

Maybe these guys, like,
take cough syrup all the time,

and they're like, um--
like, um--

what's that word
when you take something

all the time
and you can't stop?

It's like addic--addic--
a d*ck--

I think the word
you're looking for is cool.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Yeah, my uncle is cool
to, uh, crystal meth.

Boy, cool can mean
a lot of things, can't it?

The word cool is cool.

Oh, no.

Wha--what? What?

When I see puppets,
I know what comes next.

They're gonna try
to teach me how to read.

Oh, God, yeah.

All puppets ever
talk about his letters.

Yeah, it's like, uh,
it's like,

after A, B, C, D, the rest
is just a blur, you know?

You said D.

You know, I used to watch
that "Muppet Show" sometimes.

But like, except for
that one really hot pig,

there's nothing good on it.

Uh, oh, yeah.

She's what they call a PILF.

Yeah.

Yeah, there you go with
letters again, Butt-Head.

Come on.

Okay, Beavis.

I'm gonna lie down,
and you're gonna ride down

the hill and run over my arm.

Okay.

Ready?

Ready.

Go.

Ah!

Fire!

Ah!

Uh, what happened?

I don't know.

I had my eyes closed.

Uh, so did I.

But it felt like I hit
your arm pretty hard.

I mean, I went flying
and my head hurts.

Uh, wow.

That didn't hurt at all.

I didn't even feel it.

Well, it must be
'cause I hit it so hard.

Is it broken?

Probably.

Uh, damn it.

I don't even have a scratch.

Whoa, really?

That's crazy.

It definitely sounded like
I hit the sweet spot, you know?

The problem is,
my arms are too strong.

Yeah, yeah.
That's how they get you.

You're gonna
have to do it again.

I'll--I'll try, but like,
my arm really hurts,

and it's, like, bent funny,
and I can't move it so good.

I don't care about
your problems, Beavis.

I care about broken arms.

Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Yeah.

Sorry.

Now, get back up there
so I can score.

Uh, yeah, yeah, okay.

Ow.

Hurry up.

Ow.

Let's see,
there's gotta be something

in here that can break my arm.

Whoa.

You boys don't touch
the scissor lift, all right?

Employees only.

Whoa.

If we're not
allowed to touch it,

it must be really dangerous, yeah.

I can stick my hand
in the machinery.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Good idea.

Now, get up there
and start pressing buttons.

Okay, you got it.

Ow.

Let's see here.

There's a lot of buttons.

Where to begin?

That's the wrong way, dumbass.

You need to, like, lower it.

Uh, I can't make it stop.

I'm trying.
It keeps going up.

What are you doing
up there, butthole?

Quit choking your chicken and
get down here and break my arm.

Okay, okay.

Let me try this button here.

Let's just see if this--

whoa!

Uh. Uh-oh.

Damn it. Get back here.

Oh, no.

Butt-Head!

Butt-Head, what do I do?

I can't make it stop.

Damn it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Where am I going?

What's going on, Butt-Head?

Oh, no, no, no.

Ah! Somebody help!

Hey, watch where you're going!

Sorry down there.

I--I can't control--ah!

Hey, hey. Look out.

No!

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, do you know how
to work this thing?

Ah! No! No!

Hey, you're all
going the wrong way.

Come on. Learn how to drive.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, look out. Ah!

No, no, no.

Whoa.

Oh, I made it.

Glad that's over.

Butt-Head, you finally came!

Yeah, I thought
you might have

got some Jell-O or something.

No, no.

They say I can't
chew Jell-O yet.

But, I mean, check out my cast.

The chicks can
sign all over me.

It's full body, you know?

Uh, no.

By the time they
let you out of here,

school will be over
for the summer.

All the chicks
will be gone already.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but someone's probably
signed my cast, right?

Uh, let's see.

Nope.

Well, that sucks.

Well, visiting hours
are over.

Let me know if you
get some Jell-O.

Chirp.