02x09 - Destroying Miami

[bunniefuu]

Oh, God.

What did I do?

Oh, my God.

What did you do?

Oh, God! What did we do?

Baby, I'm telling you,

that sugar cube is not structurally sound.

Oh, I love to watch you work, baby girl.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't think he was talking to you.

All right, y'all, dinner is served.

All right, look at us, making pyramids

and eating TikTok pasta together.

Yes.

I love this team.

So when's the team going

to help me with my project?

What project?

I have to make a topographical map

of Georgia by tomorrow.

And they only gave you one day, young lady?

Sure. Let's go with that.

Uh-uh, Birdie, I told you,

I'm not bailing you out anymore.

You're just gonna have to take a bad grade.

Okay, if you want

to waste a $15,000 tuition.

Point taken.

Sweetheart, would you mind

taking Birdie to the art store after dinner?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to meet friends for drinks.

Please!

Say no. Teach them both a lesson.

Okay, fine.

You're lucky you're worth it.

And you're lucky I like the smell of glue.

All right, come on, hands in.

Go team!

Bad news, team.

Gary just got dumped.

What the hell, man?

That was my story to tell.

Well, I saved the best part for you.

She did it over text. Go ahead, tell 'em.

But Gary, I thought we were going to Miami

for the couples weekend.

I mean, my bad.

Uh, you all right? What happened?

No idea, man.

Everything seemed cool last night.

Okay, what do you want to order?

Um, whatever you in the mood for, boo.

What do you want to watch?

Uh, you always pick the best stuff.

- Go ahead.

- Okay.

I would love

for you to make one decision tonight.

Oh. No problem.

I think

you should tell me

what decision to make, girl.

Just go ahead and tell me which one.

- Uh, okay.

- I can make

Oh, you gotta look it up?

No, I'm just ordering my Uber.

What's going on with you, man?

You went from a nonchalant

man about the town

to a straight-up smother brother.

I'm not a smother brother.

I just spent every waking

moment of every day

trying to fulfill her wish in every way,

every dream and fantasy, that was all,

all the time. What's wrong with that?

RIP Carrie.

She was buried alive.

Um, I don't mean to sound insensitive,

but are we still going to Miami

this weekend?

I'm sorry, you weren't

trying to sound insensitive.

Hey, I wouldn't worry about Gary.

I mean, you'll be right back on

those apps, bro, in two seconds.

You'll have another lady

before we even take off.

Or maybe you can do a tribute video

to our relationship

and she'll come back to me.

Or maybe I could keep

doing the election results.

Come on, Gary, man,

you'll get over it in Miami.

It's the sexiest city in the world, baby.

That's why the Golden Girls moved there.

- True.

- What do I look like

going on a romantic couples weekend

two days after I get dumped

for being too good of a guy?

Aww.

Nick and I broke up too.

Ooh, this is just like "Waiting to Exhale."

Why would somebody need to wait to exhale?

- Just breathe.

- Oh, my God.

- No, not the restaurant dude.

- Yeah.

Come on, you were the lemon

pepper queen of Atlanta.

I know. Those wings were so good.

But not anymore, I've renounced my throne.

The Restaurant Owners Convention is huge.

I really need you to be there to support me.

Nick, I can't just take a week off of work.

Come on, it's just

a silly little morning show.

Can't you find somebody to replace you?

Sure. Here.

She can replace me.

As your girlfriend. 'Cause we done.

Does that mean I can replace

him as your boyfriend?

- What the Phil?

- Phil, why?

I thought I was the only one Phil hit on.

Mika, why don't you come to Miami?

That way, Gary doesn't have

to be a third wheel

and y'all can lick y'all's wounds.

Wounds? I broke up with Nick.

But I wouldn't mind celebratin'

my newfound freedom.

You know who else should go to celebrate

their newfound freedom?

- Who?

- Me.

I'm sorry.

What freedom were you missing out on

as a 30-year-old white woman in America?

David and I separated.

- What?

- Surprise!

How old are your kids?

Three, five, eight, and

Looks like somebody's upset with David.

So

Okay, so what was the problem?

He just let you clown him

in front of complete

strangers too damn much?

- I'm sorry, I

- Gary!

Oh, snap, come on now, Gary.

Don't dump your pain on Tami.

She's just as pitiful

and pathetic as you are.

- Okay.

- Hey, but take it from somebody

in a perfect relationship,

who just celebrated my

six and a half monthiversary.

Y'all sad sacks need this trip to Miami.

- Okay.

- Can Phil come?

I'm the saddest sack.

Well, we got a show to do,

so we should probably

I'm glad you said that.

I'm glad you said that.

Bye, Daddy.

I love you.

Hey, knuckleheads, hey, I'm

gonna get a package, sign for it.

Don't open it.

I can't promise you that.

Well, all right, Papa Rick.

It's your first weekend

watching the girls alone,

so I left you a long emergency contact list,

some helpful bedtime tricks,

and allergy information.

Girls don't have allergies.

Yeah, I put that on there.

Kenan, you got to relax.

This whole helicopter parenting thing

wasn't a thing back in my day.

That's 'cause your helicopter took off

and never came back.

- That's fair.

- Mm-hmm.

Now come on, just get in the car,

go to Miami, and have yourself a blast.

- Ah, I love you.

- Love you.

All right, bye, babies.

Bye!

Okay.

Let's do this.

Hey, I almost didn't recognize you

without a martini glued to your lips.

That's funny 'cause

I recognized you right away.

As the neighbor who

can't mind her own business.

Good one.

So what's going on?

Nothing. I'm just watching

my granddaughter's for the weekend.

I don't know what the big

deal is, there's nothing to it.

It's easy to protect kids.

You just gotta keep an eye on them.

My arm!

No one was watching me!

Uh uh, Birdie!

♪

Miami!

Oh, excuse me.

Thank you very much.

That's right, you sad sacks.

Find yourselves another tray,

this one is for my lady.

- Aw, thank you, boo.

- You're welcome.

I'm gonna go tell them

to bring us more drinks.

Okay.

I've seen you take the last

thing off a tray before,

but I've never seen you give it to somebody.

Yeah, I'm starting to impress myself.

I think Janay is special.

- You do?

- Who knows?

Maybe this time next year, I might make her

part of the family for real.

Oh!

- Welcome to the Linzy Hotel.

- Ooh.

May I help you with your bags?

Well, I am really happy

that you found Mrs. Right,

but excuse me while I talk

to Mr. Right Over There.

Yes, uh,

I could use help with more than my luggage.

Well, I always aim to please.

- Mm.

- This way, miss.

Oh, he's funny too.

"This way, miss."

Did y'all know that she was half naked

up underneath that cover up?

Good for her, a woman

who knows what she wants.

- Unlike you.

- What does that mean?

David's only crime

was loving you too damn much.

No, his only crime was

crying every time we had sex.

It's called a teargasm.

And it represents strength

in some countries,

like Superman or Nick Cannon's sperm.

Well, it looks like it's just us boo.

What do you want to do first?

- Oh, I know!

- Private hot tub!

Let's take a picture next to

that fake alligator in front and act like

it's attacking us

and then send that to the girls.

That sounds like fun too.

Yeah, doesn't it?

I love you. Come on.

Let's go find our room

Damn! Hey, what's up, Phil?

W-what you doing here?

Well, I certainly didn't

search Mika's browser history

to find out your flight

and hotel information

and convince my mom to use her miles

to book my own flight and hotel

so I could join you,

if that's what you're implying.

So that's Phil.

He's Caucasian.

Looks like somebody's

going to their room soon.

Or they could stay here. Am I right?

Oh, please.

He's just making a video

to send to the girls.

Hey! Next couples vacation,

we are bringing y'all with us.

Love and miss you!

Okay, I am not Team Carrie,

I'm just saying, she had a point

and I'm totally on her side.

Okay, I'm Team Carrie.

Well, you wouldn't know a good man

if Stedman didn't marry you

but was your life partner

through all your damn dress sizes.

Okay, you're not Carrie

and you're not David, so stop fighting

about what happened in your relationships.

How about you stop pretending like your life

isn't as messed up as ours is?

Boss Boss.

- I'm not your boss in Miami.

- Oh.

And I'm not hiding anything. I feel great.

Took me a long time

to open myself up to love again

and thanks to Kenan's help,

I was able to do that with Nick.

That's right. I'm like a love expert.

I got so much love I had to register

with the department of hugs and kisses.

Look, I gave it a real chance

and we had fun,

but at the end of the day,

we just wanted different things.

So rather than waste my time

and his, I just moved on,

which at the end of the day,

is the best for the both of us.

Okay, tipsy, that day ended twice.

Well, I've had a few points,

but I think I made my drink.

I think the drunk-a*s lady is right.

Truce?

Truce.

Here's to Mika keeping it v real.

Because LITS and YOLO.

LITS and YOLO, y'all.

Now let's destroy Miami!

Whoo! all: Let's destroy Miami!

FaceTime with the girls and

then eventually destroy Miami!

Ey!

What is taking so long?

It's been hours.

You know, while we're waiting

for Birdie's X-ray

you could call Kenan

and tell him what's going on.

W-well, that would be irresponsible

'cause we don't even know if it's broken.

It's definitely broken.

I know 'cause I can't move my fingers.

- What?

- I get it.

You're afraid of Kenan.

I am not afraid of anything.

My God, it's Kenan, he's FaceTiming me

what part of this urgent care

looks the most like PF Chang's?

- Hey, Dad.

- Hey, baby.

- Guess what?

- What?

- Kenan!

- Hey.

I was just trying to see how

my little ladies was doing.

All good!

Ladies, these banana spring rolls

are not gonna eat themselves.

Miss you. Love you. Bye. Wait, no, wait-

Excuse me, girls, I'm gonna borrow Papa Rick

for just a second, okay?

Is it weird that I like it

when you call me "papa"?

It amazes me that you always

choose stupid over the truth.

Tell Kenan his child got hurt.

Nobody even asked you to come here.

You literally asked me to drive you here.

Well, you can go now.

I'm here for Birdie, not you.

Well, I'm here for Birdie, not you.

That's not very nice!

Is there an adult here with you?

I think I'm your best bet.

♪

Man, Miami is such a sexy, magical,

sticky, sticky city.

I haven't had this much fun since I ate

a pot brownie before my cotillion.

Excuse me,

but is he with you?

- Phil?

- Yeah, Phil?

no. He's all yours.

You mean Phil is all ours.

Ooh, I love your hair.

Can I feel it?

Oh!

Don't look at me!

- He's even cuter.

- Aw!

Let's dance.

Yo, Phil, something ain't right, man.

Keep an eye on your kidneys, dog.

Thanks.

Oh, man, I just had

the craziest FaceTime with Rick

and the girls. You should have been there.

- Rick was saying

- Kenan.

Look, I don't think this

is working.

What?

I think we need to break up.

♪

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear

it's too loud in here, for me.

I didn't hear what you said.

Say something else.

I said I think we need to break

Dance? Oh, yeah, we can break dance

because that's what happy

people do in a relationship.

We are a happy couple.

♪

Please don't do this.

I don't understand.

Why do you want to break up with me?

Because I think Mika was right.

She said if two people

want different things,

even if they care about each other,

then it just won't work.

The same woman who doesn't

believe in the moon landing?

Look, I care about you a lot,

and I think you're an amazing dad,

but I am just not ready to be a stepmom.

But I thought you said you wanted to be

- part of my whole life.

- I did.

And I feel terrible

because now that it's real,

I realize that I'm just not ready.

♪

Yo, I never knew you could dance like that.

What'd you call that last move?

The Dougie.

Nah, boo. It was not The Dougie.

Hey, uh

Yo, sorry about going so hard

about the whole David thing.

I guess I was putting my own stuff on you.

No, honestly,

hearing his side of things from you

helped me listen.

I was thinking of texting him.

Oh, you should.

Go get your man, girl.

Oh.

Done!

When I get home, we'll work it out.

But till then,

there's still some Miami left to destroy!

Let's do it.

♪

Hey, uh, Mika, Mika. I need to talk to you.

Kinda busy dancing with Sexy Dude.

- My name is Ralph.

- Ralph?

Let's stick with Sexy Dude.

- Uh, hello?

- Hmm?

Janay just broke up with me because of you.

What? What are you talking about?

You said people should

break up with somebody

if they want different things

because it's not gonna work out.

Mm, I said that?

Dang, I give really great advice

when I'm tipsy. It's a curse.

Can you please go tell her

that if she sees a red flag

to paint it green and stay with Kenan?

Kenan, I am so sorry.

I can't believe this happened.

I was rooting for you guys.

Well, you just rooted me

about my relationship.

Kenan. Kenan!

Read the room, Ralph.

Wait.

Ooh! Lord have mercy.

Okay, now read the room.

And give Phil back his wig!

This cast is great.

I can hide snacks in here.

Gross, it's wet.

Still tastes good.

Well, Birdie's totally fine now

so I can take it from here. Thanks.

Why don't you pour me a drink

so we can talk about

the elephant in the room?

- Wha

- And if you say anything

about my ankles, I'm gonna k*ll you.

- Come on.

- All right.

You know, look,

I wasn't a very good dad.

I came up here to be with my granddaughters

and hopefully make up for that.

Turns out, I'm not a very good

grandfather either.

What are you talking about?

Well, I literally broke my granddaughter.

Shut up.

They're lucky to have you.

I see you with them,

playing in the yard, taking them places.

You uprooted your whole life, didn't you?

Just to be here for them.

And what did you say to Birdie's doctor?

I told him he better fix her

or I was gonna break both of his arms.

He was scared.

Thanks for being around through all this.

I'm here, for whatever you need.

Whatever, whatever?

We'll see.

♪

How'd you find me?

Oh, I followed the trail

of the complimentary

Hershey's Kisses from the front desk,

and was just like boop, boop, boop, boop.

Beep!

I'm just like a joke to you, huh?

Come on, Kenan.

You know I didn't want you to break up.

I know.

Look, I don't want to ruin your night.

You don't have to babysit me.

You sure?

Yeah. I'm good.

You shoulda heard her, Mika.

"Kenan," she said.

"Let's move forward," she said.

I let her in, and she ran!

Let it out, let it out.

- Mm-mm-mm!

- Hey.

You think this got alcohol in it?

'Cause I can't taste nothing.

It tastes like candy.

- Yeah, alcohol at the bottom.

- Oh.

Whoo!

Okay this what we gonna do, right?

- Yeah.

- Gonna drive back to Atlanta

before she gets there, and I'm gonna go

straight to her house and throw

a brick through her window!

Okay, and then I'll show up

and I'll jump out the bushes,

and I'll ka-ka-ka,

and I'll chop in the door!

Oh, that's what I'm talkin' about!

She was so sweet, Mika.

I remember one time

we were walking down the street

and I tripped and fell down.

You and I both know

there ain't nothing funnier

than a grown-a*s man falling down.

- But did she laugh? No!

- Mm.

All she said was, "It's okay, Kenan."

Aww.

- She was amazing.

- Yeah.

So was the sex.

Ooh! How many times y'all do it?

- Oh, God!

- Okay.

I think Janay poisoned my insides.

Well, she cursed your outsides too

'cause you just wet yourself.

Huh? Huh? Nah, that's just pool water.

Not in the back.

You sure you don't wanna do one more?

No, I gotta sleep.

No, but seriously, thank you for helping me

through a rough night.

Anytime.

You know, you're one of the only people

I can always count on.

Even when I can't count on myself.

You're like my little Guardian Mika.

Well, you're always there when I need you.

And sometimes when I don't.

Hey. Where's our friend?

You mean Phil The Conqueror?

He's up in his room,

sleeping off our wild night together.

- Oh.

- They must be talking

- about a different Phil.

- Right?

Oh, I don't want it. Ew.

Well, I guess I should give "Miami Phil"

his lucky hair back.

Is Miami nasty?

- It's so nasty.

- They do it nasty.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God! What did we do?

We're still dressed, thank God.

Uh, don't thank him yet,

I'm Porky Piggin' it.

So am I.

I think we did it.

Wanna do it again?

Hell yeah.

♪

Oh, God.

What did I do?

- Hey.

- Hey.

You know, I'm really glad we did this.

Aren't you?

Um

- Oh, your phone's ringing.

- Hm?

- Uh, y-your phone.

- Oh.

It's Rick. I'm sorry, I gotta take this.

Yeah.

Yes, what?

So. Birdie broke her arm.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

I did nothing.

She fell off of her bike yesterday.

Well, then why aren't we

talking about this yesterday?

Well, because she's fine today.

In fact, she's better than fine.

she's having Papa Rick's special breakfast.

And what is that? A Bloody Mary

and two hours of smooth jazz?

Uh, she doesn't like the spicy tomato juice.

So I just put the vodka in the Sunny D.

That better be a joke.

How's it going there?

Actually, couldn't be better

but I can't talk right now.

Look, just try to keep it together.

I'll be back soon.

- All right.

- And Rick?

Thanks for taking care of my baby.

Yeah, well, the only person

that doubted me was everybody.

Yeah, all right.

Kenan, what we did was

Perfect? I know.

- Come here, girl.

- Oh.

Come on into these arms of mine.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

I've been robbed!

Worth it.