01x09 - Teacher's Strike

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, T-G-I-F, baby.

Ooh, I'm about to sleep in,

go to the club

Good for you. It must be nice.

What's wrong, man? Work's over.

It's the weekend.

We got two days to chill, baby.

Not when you're a single dad.

How many times I gotta tell you, man?

You are not a single dad.

You got me. You got Rick.

We're like a papa-ge à trois.

Yeah, and just like in a ménage à trois,

one person has to do all the dirty work.

- Me.

- Ew.

I love my girls, but they

got so much going on now,

it's actually less stressful

for me to be at work.

So, like, my weeks are like my weekends,

and my weekends are my weeks.

Oh, so, like, your

Monday's like your Friday,

or like Thursday, because

Thursday is your new Friday.

No, your Sunday is my Friday.

Well, I guess now Thursday.

Which makes Friday my Monday.

Got it, got it, completely understand.

So you would have

Thanksgiving on Tuesday, then?

I'm not pitching a full

calendar rearrange here, Gary,

I'm just making a comparison,

- all right?

- Gotcha.

I probably won't even

see you till Monday.

Okay, wait, but hold on.

Whose Monday? Your Monday or my Monday?

Gary, please.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Dad, can I get a Snickers?

- No.

- Can I get a phone?

- No.

- Why?

Because they are bad for you.

Which one? The phone or the Snickers?

Both. Now, c'mon, we're late. Here.

[INDISTINCT WHINING]

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know.

- But Piper got one!

- I don't care what Piper eats.

No, I'm talking about the phone.

- Piper eats phones?

- No, Snickers.

That's what I said. No Snickers.

Oh! Come on, get in the car.

Get in the car!

Giddy-up, Daddy! Giddy-up!

- I'm giddy-ing! I'm giddy-ing!

- Come on!

More like giddying-down to me.

Hey, can y'all keep it down, man?

It's 11:30. Some of us

had to twerk last night.

It's only 11:30?

Nap time. See you at dinner.

- [GIRLS GIGGLING]

- Hey, hey, here we go.

- I need some sugar cubes!

- Blblblblb!

[UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC]

Good morning. Good morning.

The weekend is over!

Are y'all ready for this?

T-G-I-M, T-G-I-M.

Hey, Pam, c'mon, T-G-I-M.

No.

Good morning ♪

Mika!

- T-G-I-M!

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I am on no sleep, okay?

I got wild this weekend

with a capital W.

The Cheryl Strayed memoir

from ten years ago.

Mm, could not put it down.

Okay, well, I got a little wild myself.

I sprained two fingers playing Trouble.

You hear what I did there?

I said I sprained

Did anyone else enjoy the joke?

Kenan, it is 4:30 Monday morning.

Why you gotta act

like a dude in an '80s movie

who gets laid and then comes in

in the best mood of his life?

Because I'm at work now,

and I finally get some me time

to destress, let my mind

wander, read my phone,

maybe even go to the potty

for longer than five minutes

without somebody banging on the door

and asking me to scoop a Lego

out their nose.

Yeah, you gotta take away Gary's Legos.

Oh! Well, who wants to toast

to a happy Monday?

Anybody? Cheers? Anybody?

Oh, I know you want to toast

to it, you handsome devil,

A salud!

Wake up, wake up, wake up,

wake up, wake up ♪

Now, I'm known

for my chicken fried streak.

- Okay.

- And my steak fried chicken

Yes, you are.

And my chicken fried rice pudding.

Okay.

But nowadays, folks want healthy,

so we're gonna make a lovely

red wine vinaigrette salad.

Boo!

More like ooh! Gorgeous.

No way. In my book, lettuce is just

a plate for mozzarella sticks,

am I right about that?

A salad. The answer to the question:

What's mostly water

and tastes like the ground?

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

Oh, sorry, Betsy,

looks like we're getting

breaking news from City Hall.

Weeks of negotiations

between the school board

and the teachers union have broken down,

and teachers are threatening to strike.

Good. Strike. Show them who's boss.

All Atlanta teachers

could walk off the job

as soon as midnight tonight.

I hope they do. Fight the power.

Leaving thousands of parents

at a loss for childcare.

- Say what now?

- So y'all might wanna prepare for.

Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Month!

Or, heck, even year.

So our kids are just gonna

be with us all the time?

Like, even all me time?

- Oh, God, oh, God.

- Shh.

That wine is for cooking.

He's fine.

So, girls, how are you?

How're your teachers?

Do they strike you as happy?

Do they strike you as unhappy?

Have they been using the word "strike"?

Well, Linda says it's inappropriate

to talk about that stuff around us.

Uh, Linda? Who's Linda?

- My teacher.

- Wow. Huh.

If I called my teacher

by her first name,

my mom would have whooped

the handsome off me

is what I woulda said

if my mom lived with us.

She married our neighbor.

Your childhood man, whoa.

She was right there,

like the whole time?

Yeah, she was in the hood.

She would wave occasionally.

That is not enough.

Well, I love Linda. I think she's nice.

Who cares if she's nice?

She's supposed to impose

discipline and get results.

These days, everybody

is more concerned about

feelings than teaching. That's why they

keep cranking out kids that

can't handle the real world,

- like Gary.

- Hey, my problems

are not my teachers' fault.

They are somebody else's fault entirely.

Case in point.

You know, there was a time

when I thought about becoming a teacher,

but my "Full Metal Jacket" style

just wouldn't fly anymore,

and I dropped out in the 7th grade.

You teaching?

I would both love

and be terrified to see that.

Well, I think I do well in school

because Linda's nice. She supports me.

Yeah, now our teachers need our support.

That is why we stand with the onion.

Well, normally I am pro-onion as well,

but in this case,

I just hope the school board

comes to their senses before

Well, it's official.

The teachers are now on strike,

leaving thousands

of parents without child

Hey, hey, psst, hey,

come down from there.

Birdie, come down.

No, no, no, go over there.

Leaving thousands of parents

without childcare.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Excuse me,

we're trying to do a show here.

- Okay, honey

- Honey, you gotta move.

Well, it's official.

The teachers are now on strike,

leaving thousands of parents without

All right. You know what?

I'm gonna come over here. All right.

Starting to feel like my weekend.

[CLEARING THROAT] Well, it's official.

The teachers are now

I said no!

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

Childcare.

There doesn't seem to be a sign

that the stalemate

will slow down anytime

Can y'all come get y'all babies?

What if I only use it for emergencies?

You mean like if you're starving?

Look, those commercials are not real.

You're not gonna turn into Danny Trejo

just because you don't get a Snickers.

I'm the one who wants the phone.

I'm the one that wants the Snickers.

And I'm the one

that's saying no to you both.

Hey, baby girls.

There's some donuts in the break room.

- We never get donuts for breakfast!

- Oh, hey, just one!

Question: Who is having all these kids?

Most our crew is unbangable.

Did you know Roy Props has a newborn?

Dude's like 60 and has total VDE.

You mean BDE?

Oh, no, V, for vasectomy.

It's a vibe.

- Ah!

- I don't like your dress.

Aw, I don't care.

[SNICKERS]

Actually, I do care.

I don't know how we're gonna

work like this, Kenan.

All right, look, relax.

I already bribed Gary

to watch all the kids.

He's great. He was

a Chuck E. Cheese mascot.

- Oh.

- Tag. You it.

Oh, my God. Eric, get off the catwalk!

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

If you could just get these kids

on an organic diet, their behavior

would improve drastically.

Oh, is that what the nanny

who raises your kids told you?

She doesn't raise them.

Braden called her Mom one month.

Uh-oh.

Why are we stopping?

Guys, I have strike research

for you in my office.

We gotta keep doing our jobs.

Oh, there go the cool girls right there.

Who, them?

No, these aren't like the

teens we grew up with, Mika.

Have you seen "Euphoria"? They're bad.

Amy's right. The girls that

I went to high school with

did my homework.

Oh, I was the bully.

I should have said that.

- Hmm, well

- Yeah.

- I was cool.

- [LAUGHING]

Okay, fine, I wasn't,

but that's the beauty

of being grown, right?

I mean, that stuff

doesn't matter anymore.

Watch this. Hey, ladies.

I'm sure you're having fun

just skipping school

and Twitching all day,

but can do you do it somewhere else?

Yeah, we're not Twitching.

We're doing important school work.

Just 'cause we don't have teachers

doesn't mean we don't have

to learn how to fix the world

that your generation broke.

Okay, Boomer?

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

Okay, so I'm on the Gen-X

millennial cusp, right?

So not responsible for anything really.

Good or bad.

I mean, look, apathy

was in style at the time.

Not that I'm apolitical now.

Actually, I run

a women in business forum

We're not interested

in your cis-gendered feminism

from the 1900s.

Your view of womanhood is so narrow.

Please and thank you.

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

- Conference room.

- Oh, sweet couch.

Ah, just a couple minutes, yeah.

Ah-hem! We need help with our homework.

But the teachers are on strike.

They left worksheets.

Well, how thoughtful of Linda.

Come on.

What's a protozoa?

Uh, skip.

Did you know anything times one is one?

I don't think that's how that works.

I don't think I can skip the protozoa.

All right, well, just put down

- what Spider-Man was fighting.

- Daddy, I'm not playing.

All right. Alexa, what's a protozoa?

Protozoa is an informal term

for a group of single-celled eukaryotes.

Okay, Alexa, fart.

[FART SOUND]

Technology.

Aubrey, be careful!

Damn, I'm sorry. I'm raising my voice.

It's very unlike me.

See? 12 times 1 is 1.

No, Birdie, it's 12 again.

Again, I apologize for raising my voice.

It's just, y'all,

this is usually when Daddy

usually destresses

- and relaxes.

- Hey, Kenan,

- we're taping promos, so.

- Read the room, Phil!

Hey, we're all having

a hell of a day here!

I know, I'm sorry!

- Me too!

- All right.

Let's have a hug then.

[THUD]

Gravity!

Wake up, wake up,

wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

- Wake up

- Disturbing news from upstate ♪

where two federal inmates have escaped

and are considered to be armed and

Silly.

Yes, they are armed

with Silly String.

That's right.

Semi-automatic Silly String,

which they borrowed from their guards,

who they savagely

tickled to sleep.

Witness say the inmates,

who were life sentences

for a string of ra

ainbows and tickling parties

were high on life

during the escape, which basically

made them invincible.

Yes, like superheroes, that's right.

Meth man and Crank Boy.

- And we're out!

- [BELL RINGS]

Can somebody tell me

whose child this is?

He just jumped on my back and

started calling me Hodor.

Aw, nah. Oh, hell nah.

This maniac is peeing on me.

Okay, I quit. I'm done.

This is a Isabel Marant shirt.

Gary, you can't just quit.

This ain't like going to the dentist.

Look, I don't care if it

rots your brains, all right?

Just please keep watching

the television.

Oh, man, what a week.

Ha. Try two days, champ.

Oh, man, that's right.

Man, not only are my

responsibilities around here

double what they were because

Cori used to do half,

but now I don't

even get a break from them?

Cori did half?

- She did three-quarters.

- Ahem.

Okay, fine, she did 99% of everything,

but, man, I'm about to snap.

I can't function like this.

I yelled at my kids today.

And some other people's kids.

Look, this is just so not like me.

It's not your fault, man.

These little weasels are undisciplined.

You need help.

Are you offering?

Yes, I am.

This retirement thing is boring as hell.

I did a Dr. Ken's MasterClass.

It took me four hours to figure out

he was doing comedy and not medicine.

Wow.

Besides, I mean, how hard

can teaching be, really?

Thank you, but I don't need

you to teach them.

I just need you to keep

them in the conference room

long enough for us

to get some work done.

And, if I happen to get a little me time

in the meantime, I'm not mad at you.

The best way to hold a child c*ptive

is to captivate their mind.

Every time you start a sentence,

it's its own unique nightmare.

Just keep 'em in the damn room.

- Hey, I head you.

- Thank you.

- Dad, Aubrey hit me.

- She started it.

So I guess your help starts tomorrow?

What's today?

[ELECTRONIC DRUM BEAT]

♪

Calm yourselves.

[KIDS QUIET DOWN]

Welcome to class.

Oh, gosh.

I am your teacher.

You may call me Mr. Noble or sir.

Now let me tell you how this works.

You sit there, you don't talk.

You listen, even if you don't

care what I'm saying.

It's called school.

Or, later on you find out, marriage.

Now, I'm aware that the age

ranges are from 7 to 17,

so we're gonna start out

with something universal:

Accountability.

Now, here we go. We're gonna

[LAUGHTER]

What is that? How did you do.

Check this out, y'all.

That's disgusting.

Colorful, but disgusting.

What! Hey, show some respect.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Ah!

- Oh, hell no.

Who did it?

Because if you 18,

we about to fight right now.

And if you're not, call your

daddy, so I can fight him.

♪

Food fight!

No, no, no, no!

Aah!

This has got to stop.

Get the teacher's union

and the school board on the phone, now.

I'm taking back my me time.

Hey, Rick, give that man back

his wheelchair.

Okay, Michelle, thank you.

I think I'm good on the powder.

That's it, you're gonna live

with Mommy and Chad in Denver.

Hope you like omelets, Eric.

All right, Kenan,

a lot riding on this, pal.

Did you read all the

strike research I sent you?

'Cause this thing is very complicated,

so if you're gonna mediate,

you gotta know the stuff.

Copy that.

No, I mean copy these notes

and tape them underneath my desk.

I didn't have a chance to read nothing.

No, no.

Welcome back to a very

special segment on "Wake Up."

As the strike hits

its fourth contentious day,

I am joined now by a member

of the Teachers Union,

and my daughter's favorite teacher,

Linda Phillips,

and the head of the

school board, Andrew Dunn.

Now Andrew,

the teachers are asking for a 6% raise.

Don't you think that's reasonable?

Unfortunately,

the state has cut our budget

every year since 2008.

We don't have the funding.

Well, there you have it, Linda.

I mean, there's nothing you can do

if they don't have the funding.

Am I right?

No, because they do have it.

- They do?

- Yes.

The board allocates the funds,

and I'm sorry,

but they just have not made

teachers a priority.

Well, it's simple.

Andrew, you just gotta

make the teachers a priority.

- Well, it's not that easy.

- No, it certainly is not, is it?

Why don't you expand

on that while I, um

It's my daughter's cursive worksheet.

How'd that get in there?

Why do y'all even still teach

cursive in school, Linda?

Oh, my God. That B is terrible.

You see, we already

have millions allocated

to increasing their pension.

- Millions?

- Yes.

And despite our insistence

that that increase

will bankrupt us.

We don't have it. Plain and simple.

Well, I'm not seeing that here,

but it's plain and simple, Linda.

It's actually not plain and simple.

No, it's not.

Nothing ever is.

The funds have been grossly mismanaged.

They invested our pensions in Theranos.

After the documentary.

- It's ridiculous.

- That is ridiculous, Andrew.

- It's also a lie.

- That's a ding-dang lie, Linda.

How could you do me like this?

After all of the Color Me Mine

gift cards I've sent you?

This is how you do me?

A lie?

You're gonna call the teachers liars?

- I think he is, Linda.

- Gary, be not here.

Well, I'm getting the signal

to wrap it up here,

but call me optimistic.

I think we fixed it. Did we work it out?

We didn't work it out, did we?

Man, I don't know how much

more of this I can take.

I haven't had over one minute

of me time in over a week.

- I'm running on fumes.

- Speaking of fumes, man,

when's the last time you showered?

I guess it's been a while.

At least it can't get any worse.

[GASPS] There he is!

[YELLING, BOOING]

CHANTING: Teachers don't lie!

Teachers don't lie!

- Teachers don't lie.

- Shall we go the long way?

- Yeah.

- Yeah let's take the long way.

Some teachers lie.

Y'all lyin' about that lie.

[GIGGLING]

Why aren't y'all with Papa Rick?

And where did you get

a phone and a Snickers?

You bought Birdie a phone?

Snickers. Gave Aubrey a phone.

- Why you bribing my kids?

- I'm bribin' all the kids,

because that's the only way

you can get 'em to listen.

Look, man. Kids

are impossible. We've

been with them for one week.

And it's changed us.

- It definitely changed Dad.

- For the worse.

Excuse me, but this has been a

really rough week on your pops.

I mean, imagine if your school

had no recess

and it never stopped,

and then every single

person at the school

depended on your for

everything, or they would die.

I mean, that's basically

what being an adult is.

Dark.

I mean, we love our teachers, Dad.

Linda's the best, Dad.

Hmm.

I guess I shouldn't have

called her a liar, huh?

That was my bad.

I was just a little stressed.

- I made a mistake.

- So apologize.

That's what you tell us to do

when we make mistakes.

Man, don't ya hate it

when they use your own advice

against you?

I do.

[CROWD BOOING]

TEACHERS: Teachers get an A.

Kenan gets an F.

Teachers get an A. Kenan gets an F!

Okay, one, two, three, eyes on me.

- [ALL BOOING]

- Okay, sorry.

Just a little joke.

- I know, I know

- Booooooo!

I never should have gone

against y'all on TV.

I'm sorry. I just wanted

the strike to end

because not having school sucks.

My job is like a weekend,

and your job is like my actual weekend,

which is more like my week

I don't want to go down

that rabbit hole again.

Look, the point is

I was selfish.

But this isn't about me.

This is about the kids.

And, Linda, I'm sorry.

You have gotten my daughters

through a lot of tough times.

So I am calling on all

Atlanta parents to join me.

'Cause remember, the more

you hate being with your kids,

the more money our teachers deserve!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That's right. All right.

[THUNK, THUNK]

I'm sorry. It look like these kids

aren't goin' anywhere for a while.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I used your speech to start

a GoFundMe for the teachers.

It's already up 20K.

Wow!

Feels good to help, right?

Or the teachers will

have enough leverage,

the board will have to fold,

and then you'll get your "me time" back.

Yes!

You brilliant devil.

Real talk, I need those teens gone.

Haven't felt this lame

since the entire high school

found out that me and the nurse

were best friends.

It's not weird. I asked to shadow her,

and the friendship developed from there.

Yeah, I hate to say this, Mika, but, uh,

those girls might be right.

You are not cool.

Oh, well, thanks.

That's a weird pep talk.

You're hot.

- Aw

- You see what I did there?

- I see it!

- You see what I did?

Yeah.

And you're great.

So screw them.

Thanks.

Yeah, screw 'em.

Girl, no cap,

that GoFundMe is a whole mewd!

You're like Greta Funberg!

Like, I highkey love you. Like, wig!

- Hey!

- Hey!

- Get lost, Grandpa.

- That was my muffin!

You can sit right there.

- You look so cute today.

- Stop!

- Your hair is amazing.

- I know; It's mine.

This is Chelsea A, And Chelsea L.

Oh, that's what a protozoa is.

My bad. I couldn't have been

further away.

And Uno

Dang, again?

Little Birdie is sharp, man.

- Dang!

- Bon Appetit.

Magazine caught a little on fire

about halfway through the recipe,

so I had to improvise a little.

When in doubt,

just add hot dogs and raisins.

- That's gross.

- Oh, yum-my!

Uch!

Wow, look at us, all workin' together.

You know, I'm glad that strike happened.

It's brought us all so much

closer together as a family.

Yeah, I love y'all.

- [PHONE CHIMES]

- I love you, Dad.

Uh, hold up!

Strike's over. The school board folded!

Let the me time begin!

[WHOOPING, CHEERING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

That's disgusting.

I'm going out for sushi.