01x07 - Kenan's Mom

[bunniefuu]

Hey, so when's your mom coming to town?

- Ah, this afternoon.

- That's right.

Big Bobbi Williams is coming

for a visit.

Mm! Just in time too.

I am in dire need of some

of her signature tlc

Ticklin', lovin', chicken.

Ooh, well, sign me up

for some of your mom's

famous sloppy chicken.

But can we circle back to

the first two, right quick?

Oh, look, I am not ashamed to admit

that I need a little attention

sometimes myself, all right?

And my mom, she's like

the only person in my life

that I don't have to take care of.

We can just sit and visit

and play Boggle,

maybe drink soda right out

of the two liter

and talk about my problems for once.

Yeah, she's really gotten me

through this year.

That woman is like

sloppy chicken for the soul.

True, I mean, she has a way

of always telling you

what you need to hear.

She's the reason why I don't

wear high-waisted jeans.

- Yeah.

- Or low-rise jeans.

- Okay.

- Yeah, it's just middle jeans for Mika from now on.

Well, you better bust out

your maternity jeans tonight,

because if I know you,

Mika gon' chicken.

Uh, you're not wrong,

I'm going chicken.

Now come on, we got

Ed's retirement party.

Ugh. Can't stand that guy.

We're gonna miss you, Ed.

What will we do without

our beloved cameraman Ed,

who's leaving us at the end

of the month

after 50 years of working

with the station.

Happy retirement, Ed.

I'm heartbroken you're leaving,

I consider you a real father figure.

I'm Phil, I work with you every day.

Plus we're the same age.

How dare you?

Uh-uh, come on up, Ed. Cake time.

- I got you there, buddy.

- Hey

Ow!

Spicy to your last breath, huh Ed?

I'm retiring, not dying.

'Cause legends never die, bud.

That's right, he's so old,

he was the first black person

they allowed in this building,

couldn't touch nothing.

But, you really are part

of the greatest generation.

Our mom is coming to town this weekend,

I just love to sit around

and hear her stories.

- Is she single?

- Wh what?

No, man. She's old, like you.

Older people still get down, Kenan.

Did you know our age group

got the most STDs?

Why would you be proud of that?

You know goats can get STDs too?

Also, apparently, they're polyamorous.

I mean, we could learn a lot

from the goat community, am I right?

Yeah, I don't think that's right.

Sounds right.

You ever been to a foam party

at a nursing home?

Ooh!

I've been to a foam party

in my kid's playroom.

Why are we talking about this?

No, that's not my Mom's speed,

all right, Ed?

She likes to watch CBS

and play bridge

and put flowers on my Daddy's grave.

So she is single?

Ed, I swear, man, what'd you

Hey, look,

- I play bridge too.

- Good.

Bridge is where two guys

face each other,

and the woman lies down

between them, then

Okay, I think I've heard enough,

Yeah, happy retirement, Ed!

I'll see you again

Never thank you, bye.

I didn't even want to do this party.

[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

Daddy, do we have to do this?

Come on, aren't you excited

to see your Nana?

- We love her.

- She's just a little boring.

She never wants to do anything

except sit and visit.

I'm eight, I need action!

Now, everyone's got their role.

Gary's the loose cannon,

Kenan is the diva,

Aubrey's the best shot we got

at generational wealth.

And, you, Birdie, are the one

that's kicked out of the

American girl doll store.

And big Bobbi's like

a sweet, reliable hug,

and I'm cool Papa Rick.

Surprisingly accurate, but look,

it's very important to me that your Nana

feel very welcome, all right?

And I get my special Ke-Nana time.

So mush, mush!

[EXAGGERATED SIGH]

Come on, bro,

you cannot still be jealous

of my relationship with Mom.

We are adults.

Me? Jealous? Of that? No.

Men who can pull off full beards

with a naked upper lip,

that I'm jealous of.

It's just, man,

Mom went crazy at everything

you did as a kid, man,

no matter what it was.

- That is not true.

- She made AND1 mixtape of you going potty,

and meanwhile, there's no

picture of me anywhere, man.

Classic case of middle child syndrome.

Middle child?

Yeah, Mom had a dog

that was the real baby of the family.

Come on, Gary,

Mama was just busier when you were a kid

because Dad died.

She loves us both the same.

She just shows it differently.

- Oh, yeah?

- Like not at all?

The only way I can get any attention

is by faking being ill or injured.

You mean, you never had

sticky liver disease?

Or loose bone syndrome?

You know, when you say 'em out loud

- [DOORBELL RINGS]

- Do not ruin this for me!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Perfect! My sweet, reliable hug is here.

Mommy Mommy? What in the

- Nana!

- Holy smokes, Bobbi.

- I'm here.

- Where is the rest of you?

Oh, look at my babies.

Ooh, you got so big.

Aww. Oh.

- Hey, sweetie.

- Hey, mama.

Hey, baby.

Hey, mama.

- Man, Mama, your hugs

- All hard,

and you got biceps, and triceps

Ceps on ceps on ceps, huh?

You look ten years younger,

and I should know 'cause

I look 20 years younger.

I mean, your hair's all done,

and your pants have gone

from sweat to suit.

Did the Gap Band get back

together or something?

No, but I do have a Google alert set,

- just in case they do.

- [LAUGHTER]

But, I mean, Nana, you went

from Mrs. Doubtfire

to Mrs. Straight-fire.

- BOTH: "Drag race"!

- [LAUGHING]

we watch "Drag Race" together.

All right, Rick.

Girls, Nana got a little

something from my travels.

Now, careful with that snake wine.

That's only for your enemies.

- Thanks, Nana.

- You're the best.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Snake wine?

- Mm-hmm.

That sounds dangerous.

Well, Mama, I gotta say,

this is a lot to take in.

Are we still gonna be able

to do the stuff

that we used to do?

'Cause you know I need some

"Iyanla my Mama fix my life" time.

Your mommy is still in here.

My image just got a bit of a facelift

and so did my face and my buttocks.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- And you fine, okay?

Come on, let's go lift

some whiskey glasses,

how about that?

[MUTTERING MOCKINGLY] Okay.

Kenan, new Bobbi looks incredible.

She looks so happy.

Yeah, I think she's going through

a life crisis or something.

I'll talk to her,

right after I get my slop on.

Okay, who's ready for

Big Bobbi's famous sloppy

salad! Hey!

- What is that?

- Okay, I guess the chicken

is up underneath a layer

of this dumb lettuce?

I'm eating healthy now, honey.

This year's been

really transformative for me,

and I've realized that age

is just a number.

But your cholesterol isn't.

- Oh, that is so

- Excuse me, sweetie,

still my turn.

You gotta live every minute.

Like, the other day, I walked

into this thing called

Leathercon, thinking I was going to,

you know, find a purse or something.

But, instead, I found four

new friends named Chaz.

Ooh, baby, them g*y boys can dance.

- [LAUGHS]

- Straight men can dance too.

It's usually just

from the neck up, like

- No.

- Looks like a woodpecker.

Mama, that was real?

I mean, I thought you said when

you were going to Leathercon,

that it was like code for

bunion surgery or something.

I'm seizing the day, too, Mama.

Like I'm going to see Lil Jon

do his DJ set.

I just know if we meet

then I'll sign him

as my management client,

and then he'll hear my demo,

and he'll sign me.

So you want to both sign

and be signed by Lil Jon?

- Exactly.

- Baby, that sounds like a lot of fun. I'm in.

Mama, I thought we were gonna visit?

Wait, wait, hold up,

you'd rather go out with me

than stay home with Kenan?

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

Your first round on me, Mama

And your second round too

'cause it's buy one, get one free.

Please bring your card.

Come on, Kenan, let's go

and have some fun.

Mika's in, right?

Oh, I have plans between the sheets

My spreadsheets and my bedsheets

'cause Wednesdays,

I do the books in bed

- And I will get my coat.

- That a girl.

- Girl, we gon' turn it!

- It's turn up, Mama.

And I would love to go,

but I gotta stay here

and watch my girls.

But if you would rather

go to some loud club

than stay home and play Boggle

and drinking cream soda

with your loving son,

be my guest.

[UNDER BREATH] Mm-mm.

Alone,

lonely,

low.

Oh, Kenan, thank you

for understanding, baby.

- Oh, I gotta go get my face on.

- Can we help?

- Oh, yeah, just get Nana's airbrush. Come on, girls.

- Oh, okay!

Ah Mama going out

with me, Boggle boy.

Lonely,

alone,

how that feel?

Ah, don't worry about that, Kenan.

- I'll stay home with you.

- Thank you.

And clubs are too loud anyway.

And the young people

always make fun of me,

for some weird reason

No, that does not sound like

cool Papa Rick.

I'll see ya.

Bobbi, wait for me.

Rick.

Please come back.

Anybody

[CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

Oh, my god, that was so much fun.

[LAUGHTER]

- Ooh!

- Okay?

Did you see me do a split

on the dance floor?

I saw you slip on a c*ck napkin

and nearly split that jumpsuit.

Yeah, you did. I didn't think

you were gonna get back up.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] Oh, that's nice.

Y'all have a good time out?

I I'd love to hear more about it,

but unfortunately I gotta be

at work in ten minutes.

- [SCOFFS]

- Mom, I thought you was coming with me,

- see your little "Boss Baby" in action.

- Oh, of course, I'm coming Keeny.

This is not my first all-nighter.

Do you know that

every historical walking tour

in Boston ends

with ten hours of drinking?

Ooh.

- And what about you, Mika?

- Huh?

How you gonna work

after being up all night?

You usually go to bed

at sad and lonely o'clock.

Don't worry, I'm fine.

Hey, there you are, Rick.

Where did you disappear to?

I came home,

not that anybody noticed or cared.

That club sucked.

It was too loud, too boring,

and I know I say I like rap music,

but that's a lie.

I only like Steely Dan. Nothing else.

Damn, Rick.

You are so uptight,

even for a old white dude.

When did that happen?

I don't know,

but it's disconcerting as hell.

- Good night.

- [LAUGHS]

You should have seen him at

the club, he was struggling.

- [LAUGHTER]

- Yeah, yeah,

- he was struggling, right?

- [FORCED LAUGHS]

I gotta go.

[DOWN TEMPO MUSIC]

- Great show, Kenan.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Have you seen my mom?

- Mm-mm.

Hey, y'all seen my mom?

She's like an older but maybe now

younger female version of me?

- No.

- Oh.

- Hey, you seen my

- [LAUGHTER]

Mom?

Oh, my god, you guys are so funny.

Mom, there you are.

Hey, baby.

I'm just chatting it up

with your amazing coworkers.

Did you know that Phil here

has been digging the same hole

since childhood?

I did not. But can I talk to you?

Oh, sure, okay.

Gotta go, y'all. Oh, Esme,

good luck with that surgery, girl.

- Don't go too big with those calves.

- I won't.

- See you in a few.

- Okay, Ed.

- Thanks, Bobbi.

- Have fun tonight.

- Thanks.

- [LAUGHS]

Um, "in a few"? "Tonight"?

- Did you make plans? Oh, yeah.

- Tonight I'm going to "Cirque Du Soleil:

Tribute to Weird Al,

with that hot piece that I met

at the club last night.

- Ew, no.

- No hot pieces.

Maybe regular

or lukewarm pieces at best.

Or, crazy idea, no pieces.

And in a few, I'm going to

the crew basketball game.

Ed said that he'd dunk for Mommy.

Well, you know what,

I I play in

that basketball game, as well.

- You do?

- Yeah.

That's right,

and I'll do you one better.

I will dribble

and say your name every time.

Mama, Mama, Mama-Mama-Mama-Mama.

Just like that, and then we can go home

and break out a puzzle.

You can tell me everything's

gon' be all right

or wherever the night takes us.

Okay, sweetie, then

- let's go.

- All right,

- I'ma change real quick.

- All right.

- Ah, Pam.

- Uh

Where is the crew basketball game

and can you hook me up

with some shorts?

Sure, but mine all have

"juicy" written on the a*s.

Ah no, I'll figure out

something else.

All right, but you do

have a juicy booty.

That that was a

Compliment, that was not

harassment, Nancy!

She's always reporting me.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Mama, watch this, watch this shot.

Like that. Oh, oh!

Uh-huh, that's a nice pass, baby.

But it was a shot, Mama.

This is all the dribbling

that you taught me.

- Remember?

- That's good, baby.

- Ain't it good?

- Uh-huh.

- All right, watch this.

- This gonna be the layup.

- [GRUNTS]

- Ah!

- Bye, bye.

- What's up, Ed?

That's what we doing?

We're playing prison rules, huh?

- [LAUGHS]

- Oh, baby, you okay?

[STRAINED] Yeah, I'm all right, Mama.

Thank you. I barely felt it.

Oh, good, because I was

about to drop everything

to take care of my baby.

- You were?

- Yeah!

[WINCES] Ow, ow my pain!

There's s-so much pain.

[GROANING] I feel it now ah, yeah.

It's my "mis-dis-cus." Ooh.

- Don't you

- I think it's blown.

Don't worry, my precious perfect

[KISS] Mommy's got you. Aw, sweet pea.

- Okay, that feel good?

- Yes.

You like your fuzzy socks?

Mm-hmm, very nice.

You know, I was thinking,

there is that saying,

"feed a fever, starve a cold,

feed a knee thing?"

I'm just saying, maybe some

of your sloppy chicken

might take my mind off the pain?

- Ever so briefly?

- That's a good idea.

You know, I'll get it started

then we can catch up

while it sloppifies.

Oh, sweetie,

it'll be just like old times.

Now, look, don't work too

hard. He needs his rest.

Yes, Ma'am.

You are wasting your side-eye

because I am not ashamed at all.

I knew she still had

that Mama Bear in her.

I just had to pull it out.

Well, Mama Bear seems like

she's trying change her life,

for the better. Why can't

you just support her?

Because she's supposed to be

supporting me.

Taking care of me,

solving my problems, not hers.

Okay? Can you just please count me down?

Fine, but did we really have

to do the show from home

- because you have an "injury"?

- My "injury" is real.

I mean, sure it's my heart

and not my knee,

but I'm hurting.

And besides, this gives the people

a little peek into my world,

a "behind the keens," if you will.

I will not.

We're live in five.

Four, three, sad a*s mama's boy

wake up, wake up, wake up ♪

it's "Wake up with Kenan,"

and I am broadcasting live

from my boudoir.

I used to call it my booty-doir,

but I took that sign down years ago.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Are we rolling?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

It's a bonfire for your fears.

It's a little ritual I picked up

at the Reiki Retreat

- in Tucson.

- Ooh.

You write down a fear,

throw it in the fire,

and you watch the ashes float away.

[EXCITED LAUGH]

Oh, yeah?

Whoa-oh!

[COUGHS]

All right, girls, go clean up,

and don't lick any of those

chemicals off your face.

Not even the tasty ones!

- Not even a lick?

- Come on.

Well, you're no fun.

Excuse me, when did you

become so irresponsible?

And when did you become so responsible?

When we met, you were playing sax

and a horn section

called "Me so horny."

You're right, since

I moved in with the girls,

it sure watered down my whiskey.

I'm not just some aimless

pleasure-seeker anymore.

It's kind of embarrassing, really.

Do you know there was a time,

that most of the boats

in the Florida Keys

were named after me?

Change isn't bad, Rick.

Sometimes it's scary,

or it comes from a sad place,

but it's exciting!

I mean, I've changed a bit too.

But I've never felt more alive.

Changed a bit?

Bobbi, you used to sit

over at that chair

and read "Goodnight Moon."

And now you got these girls

reenacting "Little Fires Everywhere."

- You had your fun, Rick.

- I didn't.

You know, good life is a balance

of selfish and selfless.

Maybe we're both just looking

to make up for lost time.

But, come on now.

You know that Cori would have loved

this fear-fire thing, right?

[LAUGHS] She was

into all that kooky,

Gwyneth goopo stuff.

Yeah, she was.

Well, I better get-a going,

I said I'd bring Kenan some aspirin.

Oh no, no, no.

You don't get to be the cool one

and the responsible one.

I'll do it.

Okay, 'cause you know I need

to go to the store.

Take your time, girl.

Go skydiving, catch a shift

at magic city, do you.

- Don't tempt me, Rick.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

Here we go.

Responsible Rick

with the drugs and the snugs.

Where's my mom?

She's the one that's supposed to be

bringing me the drugs and snugs.

You got someone better,

Dr. Feel Good himself.

Can I get you anything?

How about a foot rub?

- Ah no.

- It's medical.

- No, no.

- Come on.

Get your weirdly soft hands off of me.

Where is my mom, man?

We were supposed to hang out and talk.

She went to pick up some

stuff for the sloppy chicken.

She'll be right back.

Why don't we talk?

Biggest fear, favorite food,

sexiest animal, go.

All right, I'll go.

Shark, shark, shark.

[DOWN TEMPO MUSIC]

Well, I could make my famous chicken.

It's not particularly sloppy.

It's really just

Chicken breast

baked for a couple hours.

Very dry, tough to get down.

Uh, no.

My mom will be back any second.

I wouldn't count on that, K-Dog.

She's at cirque.

She just tagged me in a photo.

Who's the favorite now, playa?

[HAUGHTY CHUCKLE]

- I'm going to bed.

- Kenan.

- [SCREAMS] Ow! Ah!

- Why?

I guess Mama's fuzzy socks

betrayed you.

Are you not entertained?

- I'm entertained.

- [GROANS]

Man, look at that butt scoot.

See, you went for a real injury.

You're supposed to fake it.

That's where you messed up at.

- Ow.

- Good morning.

Mommy, Mommy, there she is.

- How was Weird Al?

- Hilarious.

Hey, sweetie.

- Oh.

- Mama, everybody starving

because we went to bed

with empty tummies last night.

- Not true.

- I ordered pizza to my room.

Intermittent fasting for me.

I always got eggrolls in my pocket.

Baby, I am so sorry

about last night, but

I went to the store and I got

a text from the man I met.

Look, I know skipping out

is not like me

but a year ago I realized that

we could be gone at any moment.

So I promised myself

that my new motto is

"make hay."

Well, I guess, making hay

and apparently, rolling around in it

is more important than

making time for your family.

And you know hay is for horses, okay?

And a horse is a gift,

and you don't look

in the mouth of no

I should have just left. I had it!

[DOWN TEMPO MUSIC]

- Kenan.

- I got this, Bobbi.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Kenan,

I know I'm not your number one

confidant, but

No, you're not.

It used to be my wife,

and I guess my mom for a while.

But now it's Gary,

and then Mika, then Aubrey,

never birdie She's a little nuts

Some Reddit threads,

Adam Carolla in his "Loveline" days,

my Larry Johnson Grandmama poster,

Loni Love, Steve Harvey

first season of "Family Feud,".

Dionne Warwick

and the Psychic Friends

Okay, so kind of far down

on the list there.

Well, fair.

I just think I might know

what's going on here.

Yeah, so do I.

My mom finally showed her true colors,

and they are ugly.

I mean, she's not ugly.

She actually looks amazing.

Her behavior is ugly.

Or maybe she's going through

something heavy herself.

I mean, she keeps talking

about this past year

being transformative and all this

"life is short" stuff.

Wait, you think all

that stuff going on with her

has something to do with Cori?

I do.

It really changed me.

In a very weird way.

Rick's right, sweetie.

Oh, k-kay.

I am so sorry.

Cori passed, I realized

I hadn't done much living

since your dad died,

and honey, I gotta get it in

'cause I ain't getting no younger.

But you know what?

I am done with that selfishness.

I am ready to take my job back

as being your mommy [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Mom, taking care

of yourself isn't selfish.

It's self-care.

And nobody deserves it more than you.

I mean, please, do you.

You already did me,

you been doing me my whole life

Well, that sounded wrong.

But, seriously, you did

such a wonderful job,

and not just this year,

that I can finally take care

of myself with this now.

I mean, it's the only way

I'm ever gonna really get

through it anyway.

Maybe I can help you out

in that department, too,

even though I'm fairly far down

on the list.

I mean, it

It is kind of the whole reason

I'm here.

Are you crying?

- My eyes are wet.

- Is that crying?

- Yeah.

- What's happening to you?

- I told you, man.

- It's getting weird.

Baby, aww.

I love you so much,

my precious perfect.

Now you know what?

You have waited long enough.

Why don't I make you some

of that sloppy chicken?

Oh, no, Mama.

Thank you, but you've done enough.

No?

What? You want some sloppy chicken?

Well, yeah

It's all I've been hearing

about, sloppy chicken.

Well, come on, I'm gonna

make it this time.

Oh, boy.

- It's slimy.

- Ew.

And crunchy?

Where is the chicken?

My tastebuds feel

Well, I want to say betrayed.

Might have done something wrong.

No, baby, you could never do

anything wrong,

neither of my babies can.

- You mean me or the dog?

- You, sweetie.

[LAUGHS]

It's all sloppy and no chicken.