01x02 - Go Nate, It's Your Birthday

[bunniefuu]

- [humming "Happy Birthday"]

[screams]
- [laughs]

Don't worry, Doofus.
It's just a headdress.

You better get used to
this outfit because it is

what I will be wearing
at the town's world famous

Ididnotarod sled-dog race
later this year.

[chuckles] Got him good.
- Uh, don't you mean Iditarod?

- It was Iditarod
until the real Iditarod

sued for trademark
infringement.

But it really makes
no difference to me

as long as I still get to be

this year's ceremonial
Husky Queen.

- [laughs]
Husky Queen?

- It's a huge deal.

At the finish line,
I, the Husky Queen,

will emerge from
the ceremonial husky sculpture

to honor the winner.

- [laughs]
Okay, okay.

Let--let me get this straight.

You're getting inside
the husky sculpture?

Aren't you like terrified
of tight spaces?

- Are you trying
to sabotage me?

I get a little nervous, okay?

I get a little nervous,

but I'm sure
I'm going to be fine, okay?

Oh, yeah, and happy birthday.

I left your gift
in the orange juice container.

Mwah!
- [groans]

[sighs]
I hate you so much.

* Don't want to
go to school today *

* The sun is red hot
and I want to play *

* But if I get caught,
they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *
- Big Nate, Big Nate.

* Math and social studies
just ain't my thing *

* Rocking with my band
is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test *

singers: * Ooh, ooh, ooh *

Big Nate!

[crash]

[together]
Happy birthday, Nate.

- Go on, buddy. Open it.

- You should know

that birthdays
make me a little anxious.

You get your hopes up
and usually get let down.

Often there's a clown involved.

"A Challenge for the Actor"
by Uta Hagen.

- It's from me! Surprise!

Uh, can I borrow it
when you're done reading it?

- Yeah, I'm done.
- Oh, sweet.

- Whoa, 25 bucks. Sweet!

- [laughs]
Corrections.

It's a savings bond
that will be worth $25

once it fully matures
in the year 2072.

- Thanks, everybody.

This is, uh, well,
this is great.

- But that's not all, buddy.

Allow me to offer
a gift of my own.

Hmm, hmm?
The gift of song.

- Oh, please don't.

Please, please don't.

- * I cried myself to sleep *

* In the shower again *

[dogs howling]

- Hey, I think
you have a fan, Dad.

- Well, thanks, son.
That means a lot.

You know at times--
- Sounds great, Dad.

Any more presents?

- Uh, actually, yes.

You know, it turns out
your Aunt Bee

didn't pass away last year.

- Whoa! This could be huge.

Aunt Bee is loaded.
And she's rich!

[rock music]

Uh--
- Whoa.

Are those like
designer bandages?

- Huh?

- Now you can heal
like a rich person.

- It's a stamp collection.

Stamps.

The things you lick
and put on mail.

- [sighs]

- Look at him, Martin.

Look how disappointed he is.

- That voice.
Who--who is that?

- Martin, this is
your medulla oblongata.

You're having
a mild panic attack.

I'm here to pull you out
when you need me.

- Are you a ghost?

- Oh, gosh, no. I'm future you.

- Why is future me naked
and wearing a barrel

and a boot on my/your head?

- Because I/you let Nate down
on his birthday.

Stamps and a song?
Gee, thanks, Dad/me.

- Isn't it the thought
that counts?

- I/we are naked in a barrel

and you don't want to know
what I/us had to do

to get this boot hat.
- Message received.

Right.
So, uh, where were we?

Oh, yeah, uh, the big surprise.

- Big surprise?
- Well, yeah.

You didn't think
those stamps and a song

were all you were getting?
Not on my watch.

And here it is.

[angelic choir sings]

- Whoa.
You got me a credit card?

- No. No. Oh, heck no.

I'm gonna let you
use my credit card

so I don't end up
naked in a barrel.

- * I'm rich, yeah *

* I'm a rich little
dandy so-and-so *

* I'm rich *

- Ah, ah-ah.

As long as it's under 50--
- Got it! Thanks, Dad.

[door slams]
- Dollars.

- * Ba ba bup bup bup ba *

- [humming]

all: Oh, ah.

- Okay, how much is it now,
uh, Jeff?

- It's Zeff, with a Z.
Short for Zeffrey. Duh.

[cash register beeping]
That'll be 41.99.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're not done here, Zeffrey.

Keep on scoopin'.

[Western music playing]

* *

- Oh.
- Whoa.

* *

- She's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

[orchestra swells]

- Nate Wright
has been preparing

for this moment

his entire life.

Raised since birth
to survive the cold...

[crying]
Nate grew to thrive

in freezing temperatures.

[screaming]

Training himself
each and every day

to be impervious to cold.

[gulping]
Ah, training paid off.

No brain freeze.
Hey, how you guys doing?

[all groaning]

Great!
So what do we buy next?

- What do you mean?
We just spent it

on the world's most expensive
ice cream sundae.

- Well, yeah, but nobody said
we could only spend 50 bucks.

I mean, Dad said, as long as
it's under 50 bucks.

- Yeah, he was pretty vague.

- No, there's no way
that's what he meant.

- Yeah, well,
he wasn't super clear.

So I'm gonna assume
he meant $50 per swipe.

You know, just to be
on the safe side.

- Oh, you clean up real nice.

[screams]
- [gasping]

It's just me, Dad.
It's just me.

Did I scare you?
- Oh, gosh, no.

I--I wanted to drop that plate.

What were you doing
in the pantry?

- Oh, trying to get over
my fear of enclosed spaces.

[laughs nervously]
I saw the--the husky sculpture

that I'm supposed to jump
out of at the ceremony,

and it's, um,
it's a really tight squeeze.

I'm just, kind of,
freaking out.

- I'm so proud of you, sweetie.

Having irrational fears
is a Wright family tradition.

- It is?
- Yup.

Ever since your
great-grandfather Ebeneezer

was terrified
that aliens invented jazz

to make teens worship Cthulhu.

- And, uh, what ended up
happening to him?

- Eaten by bears.
[burps]

Which I guess is a lesson...
- [screams]

- About being afraid
of the wrong things.

- Help me!
- Anyhoo, your dear ol' dad

is here to help you
get over your fears.

- And what makes you think
you'd be able to help me?

- You may not believe this,
but I too have known fear.

Snakes, voodoo,
those weird European sirens

that go nee naw nee naw.

Warm toilet seats.
Who made it warm?

Frozen urine icicles
falling off of a plane latrine,

a larger one lands on me,
not k*lling me,

but disabling me,
forcing me to relive

that memory again and again.
I overcame all of it.

Mostly.
Let me guide you.

[engines whirring]

["The Final Countdown" plays]

- $49.99 worth of racing,
please, my good man.

- You got it.

- Hey, you're that dude

from the ice cream place,
right?

- Scoopin' ice cream's
how I pay my bills.

Slangin' go-kart tickets
is my passion.

[rock music]

[beeps]

all: Ooh.

- Whoo-hoo!

[engines roaring]

- Guys, I can't seem to find

the hazard signals
on this thing.

[engine roars]
[screams]

- Once more around the park,
Jeeves.

[beeps]

- [yells] Hey!
This isn't fun, okay?

- Whoa, dude.
How many jobs do you have?

- Dang, get off my back.

I'm saving up
for a samurai sword.

- So how much to adopt a dog?

- Well, we got
a ton of extras here.

They got dropped off because
they weren't good enough

to cut it on
a Ididnotarod team.

[dogs whining]
- I can feel their pain,

crying out for sweet freedom.

- Quick question,
how much if I adopt

all of them?
[beeps]

[dogs barking]
all: Whoa!

- [howling]

- Is that Spitsy?

- Whoa!
- Ah!

[dogs barking]

- Oh, we got to go
after them, right?

- I don't know,
they seemed happy.

Plus, we still have
the credit card.

[laughs]

- It's all about
the superior altitude.

- Oh, you're getting
too close to mine!

* *

[negative tone]

Oh, well that's never
happened before.

Here just, uh,
just rub it on your shirt

and try again.
- I did.

Pretty sure
it's maxed out, bud.

- Huh? Maxed out?

- [groaning] Oh, no, no.
My dad's gonna k*ll me.

- Dios mio.

To be financially ruined
by your own son.

I just hope his weak heart
can handle this.

Ow.
- What he means is,

we still have our friendship.

Which is the most priceless
treasure of all.

- Oh, no, no, no!

- That was really dorky,
Francis.

- Why can't you
take anything seriously?

- Hey, I take this
so seriously.

Purple nurple!

[laughs]
- [screams]

- Ah, come on. Not helping.

- Oh no.
Nate, is everything okay?

She asked,
hoping the answer was no.

- All right, Ellen,
if you're here to ask me

to throw a tennis ball
for you to fetch.

I'm just--I'm not in the mood.

- Elle, are you ready?

- Well, a Husky Queen's job
is never done.

I hope you feel better, Nate.
She lied.

- Huh?

- [grunts]

- All right, so I'm just
gonna say it.

I've got a lot of questions.

- I've been dabbling
in mountain climbing lately

to beef up my special skills
section on my headshot.

And I have the cure
for what ails you.

A benefit concert for you.
- Uh--

What is $6,000 in debt mean?

Is that another band
that's playing?

- No, no, I've set up
a fundraising page

on Fundcrusher Plus.

We're going to
livestream a concert

and get donations
to help us pay down

the $6,000 debt you owe.

- Owe? 6,000?

That's like a billion
in kid dollars.

- Ah, don't be so dramatic.

It's more like,
500 million in kid dollars.

- Why would people
donate money to bail out

Nate's ridiculous spending?

- Well, I may have hinted
that Nate has a rare disease--

Rashisniffachondria.

Yeah, symptoms include:
dry, itchy rash.

- Wait, wait, wait.
I really am kind of itchy.

- Loss of sense of smell.

- Hang on. You guys smell that?
Me neither.

- Dry mouth.

- [crunching]
Mouth so dry.

Please tell me there's a cure.
[crunching]

- Oh, Nate, there is no cure
because I making up

the symptoms as I go.
- Oh, well, that's perfect.

Hey, Dee Dee, your idea
sounds totally insane.

Let's do that.

One, two, three, four.

[rock music plays]

* *

[inaudible]

* *

[panting]

- Holy cow!

Who knew dishonest grifting
could be such a moneymaker?

- Pretty much everybody, man.
- Billionaires, for sure.

- You guys,
we just broke $200,000,

but we spent $207,000
putting on the concert.

- What?

[ticking]

- [gasping]

Are you sure
this is gonna work?

- As long as
you trust my system.

- Okay, your system is weird.

- A lot of things seem weird
until they seem normal.

- Is it normal that I have

a moldy banana peel
down my pants?

- Why don't you jump back
in the dumpster and find out?

- [groans]

[gasping]

[pumped electronic music]

* *

[bird chirruping]
[gasping]

Whoo! How was that?

- You're ready.

My precious daughter
is gonna be the best

Mutt Duchess
this town has ever seen.

- Oh, it's actually Husky Qu--

[sighs]
I love you too, Dad.

- Oh, hey, Ellen.
You busy?

- Just organizing a task force
to address the recent

epidemic of stray dogs
terrorizing Rackleff.

- Oh, yeah, wow.
No, I-I-I heard about that.

Yeah, but, uh, no I had
absolutely no involvement

in-in whatever's going on
with-with all the dogs.

Hey, really proud of
how seriously

you're taking your role
as Husky Queen.

- It-it's Husky Qu--wait.

You actually
said that correctly.

Why are you being so weird?

- No, it's not weird
for a brother to be nice

to his genius sister, is it--
okay, I can't.

Look, I have too much integrity
to be nice to you.

I got in some trouble
with Dad's credit card,

and I need advice.

- Oh, I love seeing you
so desperate.

If I help you,
you have to agree

to be my indentured servant
for the next six months.

- Six months?
Oh, oh.

[groans]
Fine.

What's your brilliant plan?

- My plan, young Nate,
is simple.

The Ididnotarod
has a $10,000 cash prize.

All you have to do is win it.

- All I have to do
is win a sled-dog race?

I am not a sled-dog racer.

Where would I even find
the dogs--

[barking and howling]

Mm.

Where the heck did
this net-launcher come from?

- Oh, I interned with
the Tokyo Police Department

to research a role.
[crunching]

- We got one!

all: Huh?
[crunching]

- Chad, what the heck?

- What? I'm carb-loading.

It's my cheat day.
What-what are you guys doing?

- Eh, like every other day,
we're trying to recruit

a team of sled-dogs
to win the Ididnotarod.

- It could be going better.

- Oh.
You guys need an alpha.

When my parents were
crate-training me,

I learned that dogs are
always looking for an alpha.

I'm still looking for mine.

- I think I know
just the alpha.

So you see, Spitsy,
we need your help.

We need you to become
the strong leader

you were meant to be.

- [sneezes]

- [whimpering]

[emotional string music]
Is this what you want?

I'm begging you to save,
not just me,

but my family.

My father is not a strong man.

I mean, I've seen quilts
more intimidating than him.

And I can barely focus
long enough to dress myself.

We won't make it.

Spitsy, please save us!

With liberty and justice
for all.

[coughs]

- Uh, are dogs supposed to
cough up hairballs?

- This isn't going to work.

Nate's gonna be grounded
for life

and we'll all be
social pariahs by association.

And your poor father,
sweet, simple Martin,

is going to lose the house.

You'll be living
in some tent city and--

- [howls]

[howl continues]

- Guys, we did it!

Now all we need is a sled,
some harnesses,

to learn how to drive a sled,
and to get these reject dogs

ready to race
against expensive, purebred,

well-trained sled-dogs.
[laughs]

It almost seems too easy.

- [yodeling]

[dogs whimpering]

- Hey!

* *

[both breathe deeply]

[tense music]

* *

- [grunting]

Husky Queen.

- Now, I know
what you're thinking.

Dog-sled race, snooze.

That's gonna be boring
to watch,

but don't worry,
Nate Wright's gonna make it--

[thunder cracks]
Awesome.

[rock music plays]

[beeping]

[car engines roar]

- Heck yeah.

* *

Hey, Principal Nichols!
Mr. Galvin.

what are you guys doing here?

- No idea, Nate.
It's your fantasy.

Now if you don't mind,

I have a strange need
to destroy you.

[tires squeal]

[dramatic music]

* *

- Bet you weren't
expecting this?

[electric guitar plays]

- I can safely affirm that.

No, I was not expecting that.

* *

[farts]

Whoa! Butt fire blasters?
Awesome.

Do I have that?
Yep, sure do.

* *

- No!
- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoo-hoo!

Finally got
that samurai sword, buddy.

* *

- [growls]

Whoa-oh, better pray
for a miracle, Spitsy.

- Did someone
call for a miracle?

- Dee Dee!
- Don't forget about me.

[laughs]
- Teddy!

Oh, fantastic!

Now all we need is Chad.
- Present.

- Okay, we're almost there.

Let's make this count, g*ng!

[car engines roar]

Whoa, Mrs. Godfrey?

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Godfrey.

* *

- Recuérdame!

- No hard feelings, bud.

- Teddy!
- Focus, Nate.

You're almost
at the finish line.

I'll buy you some time.
I once played a goat--

- No time for your résumé,
Dee Dee.

[tires squeal]

- Huh? Ooh.

- Dee Dee, no!

- It's okay, Nate.
Finish what you started!

- Okay, we got this.
We got this.

* *

- [panting]

Huh? Huh?

[jazz music plays]

- Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

[screams]

[barking]
- Ow, ow, ooh.

- Ellen!

Honey, it's me, Daddy!
Can you see my eye?

It's peering through
the butthole

and it's very proud of you.

- Dad, gross! But thank you.

I did it.
I conquered my fear.

Now get me out of here!

- Don't worry, honey.

I'm going to go find something
and I'll be right back.

- [sniffs] Aroo?

[laughter]

- [sighs]

Well, at least it can't
get any worse.

- Uh, Nate, I think your dad
is violating that husky.

- Hmm?

Dad! What are you doing?

- I'm saving your sister.
[grunting]

- Dad!

I'm almost--[screams]

[crash]

[groans]

- Ellen, are you okay?

- How many fingers
am I holding up?

- [slurring] That's right,
get a good look.

I'm your Husky Queen.

- I got ya. Whew!

Come on, Ellen.
I got the aspirin.

- Well, you almost prevailed.

- Yeah, that would've
played out different

if Spitsy hadn't fallen in love
with the wooden dog.

- You need backup when
you tell your dad the bad news?

- No, this is my fault.

I got to come clean.

Uh, Dad?
- Yes, my wonderful son?

- I maxed out the credit card

and then tried to win
that weird sled-dog race

to pay the money back.
And--

Well, who could've known Spitsy

was such a hopeless romantic?

- Yeah, I knew.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you being so calm?

Are you about to snap?

- Because this stamp,
right here,

is a rare misprint
that's apparently worth

over $15,000.

- Yes! So we can sell it and
pay down your credit card debt?

I mean, my credit card debt.

Hey, um, I--I'm sorry
I messed up, Dad.

I'm really glad
we could work this out.

Um, thanks.

- Thank your sister
for spotting the misprint.

She bailed us both out.

- Ellen?

- You're annoying,
but we're family.

And we've got to
stick together.

Plus, I knew Dad would never
be able to pay down the debt

between his limited skills and
non-existent career prospects.

- [laughs]
She's right.

That would've been a disaster.

- So, that profit left over...

you know that stamp
was a gift to me.

- Have we talked about
your punishment yet?

- Whatever money is left
should go to you.

- I love this family.

- Dad, don't lean
on the cabinet.

- Yep, best birthday ever.

- [yodeling]