01x12 - Everybody's Talking About Shiva

[bunniefuu]

[CLICKS TONGUE] Dave?

Yes, Dad?

Can you help me with something?
I think it's your... fridge?

Something seems off.

Well, without even looking at it,

I can tell you that it's
not supposed to be

opened and shut every 30 seconds.

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe take a break on the snacks.

Yeah.

It looks fine.

Did you, like...

Ow, my foot!

So it's happening to you, too, huh?

Do we have any food in the house?

What the hell?

Uncle Arty is coming any second

and he's gonna expect a big spread.

Uncle Arty's coming? You
gotta tell me this stuff.

I did.

Just now.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Maybe he can look at my foot.

Oh, what's the matter with your foot?

It's perfect, like your face.

I love you!

- I love you.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Hello, family!

I'm here, and I'm starving!

By the way, parallel parking
with a phone in your hand

is terrible!

Arty, what's the big news?

Oh, yeah.

Aunt Judith...

- dead.
- [GASPS]

Oh, no!

What a horrible way to hear that.

I don't understand.

She wasn't even sick.

Joanna, she was 103.

Age is just a number, Dave.

But that number was 103.

Oh, boy.

Aunt Judith was a cool lady.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, she was my favorite great-aunt.

The last of her generation.

She was like my kindred spirit.

She was the only one in the family

who didn't ask me when I was
getting married all the time.

Well, I never ask you that, Joanna.

Thanks, Doctor Uncle.

Because I know it's never gonna happen.

Oh, Debbie, I got to tell you,

she left you something in the will.

- DEBBIE: Aww.
- Her favorite Mont Blanc pen.

[CHUCKLING] Oh. She loved that pen.

She used that pen to
write the part of her will

that left me a two-bedroom
house in Boca!

[SCOFFS]

She left you a house?

Yeah!

Well, I did some pro
bono physical therapy

on her knee before she died,

so at least I know that
when she met her maker,

her ligaments were supple.

So you massaged her 103-year-old knee,

and she gave you a house?

I'm very good at what I do, Dave.

♪ ♪

Oh, Rebecca!

I have something for you.

All the years, Stewie
and I hosted everyone

after the funeral.

It's called a shiva.

We mourn.

We tell sad stories.

We cry a lot.

- I live for them.
- Yeah.

Unfortunately, people
have to die for them.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, anyway,

now that we're living in your house,

I thought it's time for me

to pass the torch...

to you.

Deb!

I'm touched.

I want you to have my shiva shawl.

Wha...?

I have worn this shawl

to every shiva I've ever thrown.

Oh. Thanks, Deb.

I was thinking I needed
something appropriate.

Wow! It's leopard print.

Yeah, you gotta have
some flair, you know?

I mean, you're not the dead one.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm!

There are shoes to match,
but your feet are too big.

Hey.

- Oh, hi, Davey.
- Hi, missed you, baby.

Guess what.

You're gonna be hosting
Aunt Judith's shiva.

I have passed the torch of hosting

to your beautiful bride.

Oh, that's so nice.

Now pass it back.

No!

Dave, this is a big honor.

Rebecca, a big honor

is getting to dance with Ellen.

Having my family over after a funeral

is just a bunch of older
people complaining

and eating your food,
and spoiler alert...

[SIGHS] ...we already have that.

Yeah.

Look, Dave,

if you don't want to
do the shiva, don't.

- You'll do the next one.
- Thank you, Mom.

Because it'll be mine,

because you will k*ll me if
you don't take the torch.

David, take the torch.

I don't want the torch.

Take the torch!

It's not a torch for us to take.

We are taking the torch!

Fine! We're taking the torch.

Yay!

♪ ♪

This is a big milestone,

hosting our first family event.

Rebecca, it's not Thanksgiving.

It's a shiva.

It's just my family sitting
around eating horseradish

and trying to avoid my cousin Dan

so he doesn't invite anybody
to one of his stand-up shows.

Yeah, but what if we
made it our own a little,

like our wedding?

I mean, we were wedding
vanguards, remember?

We were the first people
to have a photo booth.

Everyone took all those funny pictures,

except cousin Dan.

Hey, you know who loved
it? Your Aunt Judith.

Oh, yeah.

She was always taking the prop mustache

and putting it over
her regular mustache.

Exactly!

She was a hip lady who
bucked convention.

She would've loved a modern shiva.

Should it have a doughnut bar?

We'll do high-end s'mores.

It's just...

It's so crazy to me that my Aunt Judith

left my Uncle Art a house in Florida.

He's never gonna use it.

He complains about the
humidity in the shower.

Would it be nuts to ask him
to let my parents stay there?

I mean, at least until he retires

and moves down there full time?

I mean, that would be amazing,

but you'd have to ask
your parents first.

It is their life.

Yeah, but their life
is filling up my DVR

with "The Masked Singer".

Trust me, I think they're
gonna love this plan.

That's a dumb idea. Who
the hell came up with that?

We Kleins are a proud people,

and we could never, ever
inconvenience our family

like that.

[CHUCKLING] You live in my house.

Exactly!

We have a place to stay.

I'm not asking Uncle Arty

because this is what Aunt Judith wanted.

But [SIGHS]... Uncle Art has a house.

Why does he need two?

But if we asked him to stay there,

and he said yes,

then we would be the
ones with two houses.

This is my house!

You don't have any houses.

Forget it!

♪ ♪

Hey, Joanna.

Is everything okay?

[SCOFFS] I'm just so
down about Aunt Judith.

- I can't believe she died alone.
- Yeah.

I am not going out like that.

I've got to meet someone.

Oh, you will meet someone.

Yeah, well, I meet people all the time,

then they all end up being lunatics.

[SIGHS]

I'm taking a new approach,

so I made this list of all the traits

I am looking for in a future partner.

Okay.

- Strong swimmer.
- Mm-hmm.

Between 5'4 " and 5'9".

Does accents?

[BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, I fancy 'em.

Eeeh. Don't ever do that again.

Hi, girls.

We brought the silver tea service...

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- ...and the family china

and all the chafing dishes.

Where do you want us to put them?

Oh, we won't be needing that.

I have my own serving ware.

Not to brag, but it's the same set

Chrissy Teigen has.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. I find
her very appealing.

Yeah.

But does she have chafing dishes?

You're gonna need them

to keep Aunt Marilyn's kugel warm.

When it's cold, it's like a brick.

Wh-When it's warm, it's like a brick,

but at least it's warm.

Well... I've got the food covered.

I found a cool recipe
for kugel empanadas

on this lifestyle blog.

Kugel empanadas?

Rebecca, a woman is dead.

Well, I know it's a
little unconventional,

but Aunt Judith, she was
an unconventional lady.

Don't worry.

Everything is gonna be very tasteful.

Just picked up Aunt
Judith from the printer!

Hey, set her over in the selfie corner.

♪ ♪

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- STEW: Baby, please try to be calm.

Relax. Let Rebecca do her thing.

I can't relax, Stewie.

I'm not happy!

[SIGHING] Drink your drink.

Oh, what is with this rosemary, Stew?

I'm not basting a chicken.

This isn't the way it's supposed to be!

You mean, it's not the way you did it.

You and I always had the best shivas.

Everyone was talking about it.

You're not wrong. You're not wrong.

Like the time Uncle Isaac hung
on for another two weeks

so we could throw his
shiva in Atlantic City.

I mean, really, an Aunt
Judith selfie station?

Why is that woman changing everything?

You mean your gorgeous daughter-in-law

who you said makes you so proud

and who you gifted
your favorite shawl to?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, her.

You know, I remember
the first time you hosted,

and my mother [CHUCKLES] was
on you like white on rice, right,

criticizing every choice.

Oh, I know. She made me feel terrible.

I mean, she said that my
shawl was too flashy,

wasn't good taste.

- Ah.
- Insane.

I know!

But you had to make it your own.

And there's a tradition
of bucking tradition.

But, Stewie, why does being herself have

to have a little twig branch
in a perfectly good c*ck?

Baby, we just have to let Rebecca

do the hosting in her own way.

No, no, no, no, no!

Do you have any idea
what's going on up there?!

It'll be a debacle, like their wedding!

Hey, the wedding was not a debacle.

I mean, yes, it was a little trendy.

- Stewie.
- What?

Instead of a glass,
they broke a mason jar.

Still, you passed the torch, Deb,

and the torch cannot
be un-passed, right?

Right.

Wrong!

Listen, you don't fix this right now,

you're gonna be the
pariah of the family.

[GASPS] Well, in that case,

can't we give the guests
an option, you know?

- Deb!
- Yes!

Yes, I'm not eating chopped liver poke,

or whatever it is.

I want horseradish. I want herring.

I want babka, and I
want pickled everything.

♪ ♪

Hey, I don't know what you're
doing on Tuesday at 10:00 p.m.,

but I'm doing stand-up
two hours from here.

It's pretty cool. I'm funny and edgy...

- raw.
- [CHUCKLES]

I got to be honest, Cousin Dan,

- I-I'm never gonna come to that.
- Okay.

Put you down for a plus-two.

[LAUGHS] No, thank you.

Oh, am I glad to see
you. I need a drink.

Mm, can I interest
you in a Borscht-tini?

Is it good?

I mean, it's sour cream
and beets in gin,

so no.

Okay.

Oh, honestly?

After that description?

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Wow.

Let me get a beer, too.

Sorry, I'm not normally
like this, just family stuff.

Oh, I get it.

Everyone's always asking me
when I'm gonna settle down.

Me too. It's like, I'm looking, lay off.

Yeah, like hounding me is gonna make me

find the perfect girlfriend any faster.

Do you know how hard it
is for me to find someone

who likes dogs as much as I do?

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks for the drink.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you do accents?

Uh... [ITALIAN ACCENT] Not anymore-a.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, leaving so soon?

Make sure to get a pic with
Aunt Judith over there

and hashtag it #ShivaToDieFor7.

#ShivaToDieFor one
through six were taken.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah.

I'm just taking this to the other shiva.

I came here by accident.

♪ ♪

What is this?

Oh, this is the basement shiva.

Kugel?

♪ ♪

So, you threw an
alternate basement shiva?

You gave me the torch
and then you took it back?

No, technically Deb did
not take back the torch.

She simply lit a second brighter torch

which made the first
torch totally meaningless.

[SCOFFS] Oh.

And you think this is
helping the situation?

Rebecca, here's what happened.

A couple of people said

that they wanted to have
the more traditional food,

so I said they can come down
to the basement with it,

and then one thing led to another,

and before you knew it,

we had this upstairs/downstairs
shiva... situation.

One thing didn't lead to another.

This is what you do.

This is what you've been doing
since you moved in here,

and I have had it!

So if you want your torch back,
take your shawl back, too.

[ALL GASP]

The shiksa shunned

the shiva shawl.

For shame!

Not cool... but raw!

You know, it seems like everyone
could really use a drink, so...

I'm gonna go see what
that bartender's up to.

Rebecca,

we might've passed the
torch back and forth

several times in this family,

but no one has ever
returned the shiva shawl!

Mom, you undermined us, just
like you did at our wedding

when you changed the
choreography of the flash mob.

Please, in fairness, she
did not go lightly into this.

Your mother tortured
herself as to whether or not

she should betray you
with this basement shiva.

- Unbelievable.
- She is a beautiful angel!

You know who was a beautiful angel?

Your Aunt Judith.

- Oh, yeah, she was.
- Of course, yes.

Judith was a generous person.

So generous that she said

she liked Dave and
Rebecca's horrible wedding,

despite the loud music,

the terrible food,

and that miserable parking.

We had free valet, Art!

I don't like people in my car, Dave.

The point is...

is that she gave of herself,

whether it be soup to the homeless.

She gave me her handicap parking space

at your very loud wedding.

And her OxyContin to her nurses...

and me during her final days.

Judith gave back.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Oh, my God, I think it's happening.

Stew...

Deb.

The house in Florida...

It's yours.

[GASPS] Ours?

Oh, my God. Arty, we can't.

Yes, you can. I thought
long and hard about this.

This is what Judith would've wanted...

For me to have

a great legacy.

I don't know what to say.

I do! [BLEEP] yeah!

Is the way Judith would have reacted.

♪ ♪

There you are.

Here I am.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Really? We're all just in one room.

Look, this... this might
sound crazy, but...

I feel a real connection to you.

Oh, that doesn't sound crazy at all.

- I knew you felt the same way.
- Mm!

Oh, no, Joanna! Joanna, n-no!

Y-You don't want to do this.

No, I know, Art! I know!

She may be short, and she
may not be an architect.

She's not much of a kisser,

but I am trying to follow my heart.

Alright,

but your heart just led you
to your cousin Margaret.

No!

But...

So, you're not the bartender?

I'm a surgeon.

You are?

Still your cousin.

Sorry! I'm getting confused!
I just don't understand.

If you're not the bartender, why
are you standing by the bar?

Because I was drinking,
because I was at a shiva,

and now I'm gonna be drinking

because I just made out
with my cousin, so...

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Aah!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Can I come in?

[SOFTLY] Yeah.

I wanted to give you this.

Your shawl?

And the matching shoes.

Well...

you could stretch them out.

Congrats on the new house.

Oh, thank you.

And congrats to you, too,

'cause now I won't be
around meddling so much.

- Deb.
- No, no.

I'm so sorry, beauty.

Deb, that means a lot.

I'm sorry, too.

- You?
- Yeah.

For what?

Well, I should've listened.

Maybe my shiva was too out there.

I mean, nobody even
danced in the drum circle.

Oh, yeah.

Aunt Judith would have loved it.

You know, I don't say this often enough,

but I really admire you.

Well, I admire you, too.

Nothing ever gets you down.

Oh, you don't have to say that...

But I'll let you.

No, it's true.

You guys went broke,

and you stay so positive.

It's like you don't even
know it's happening.

You do know it's happening, right?

[LAUGHING] Oh, Rebecca.

I'm gonna miss you.

[LAUGHS]

I'm gonna miss you, too.

But it's for the best.

Yeah. It's for the best.

I think.

You think?

Yeah, yeah.

No, i-it's... it's for the best.

Right?

♪ ♪

You know, my parents are moving out,

my sister just embarrassed herself

by tongue blasting our cousin.

[LAUGHS] Some days, life is beautiful.

Yeah, well...

I can't thank you enough

for hosting another terrible event.

But I gotta jet, literally.

My flight is in three hours,

and I still got to pick up
my bogus therapy pig

so I can get the extra leg room.

Uncle Art, don't go.

Deb has something to say.

Arty, I so appreciate your generosity,

but we decided,

we don't want the house in Florida.

[LAUGHS] Who's "we", 'cause I feel like

I should've been looped
into this conversation.

Rebecca and I.

We're just not ready for this!

Rebecca... what's happening?

What are you... What are you
doing? What are you saying?

Dave, I'm an only child.

I've never lived in a
house this full of family.

I love it.

Let's just wait for a
solution that's more local.

- Yes, local. Local.
- No, no, no, no.

Baby, no. Davey is right.

Thank you.

We will see each other sometimes.

[VOICE BREAKING] We'll call
each other on the phone.

I mean, it won't be the same.

It won't be.

- I don't got it. I don't want to go.
- Dad.

Would you please hurry
with this decision?

Because my piglet is
waiting, and unlike me,

he's an anxious flyer.

Okay. [SCOFFS] Listen, guys.

I know this will be hard.

Obviously, there is stuff that
I will miss, too, you know?

Like coming into the kitchen
and finding my father pantless.

Well, Sunday mornings, me and mimosas...

both bottomless.

Yeah, you know, this
is hard for me, too.

I-I've never lived more
than 2 miles from you guys,

and for the last couple
months, it's been two minutes.

But we all agree, this
is the right thing to do.

But it's just so hard.

I can't stand it.

Very comfortable here, and
the rent is next to nothing.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Alright, alright, alright! That's it!

None of you want this.

I have been stup... I want this so bad!

Dave, the house

is off the table.

What about your legacy, Art?
What about giving back?

I'm giving back

by not giving you the house.

That's how I'll give,

by taking.

That's my legacy!

[SIGHS]

So, I guess, uh...

This means that...

You're staying here?

We can stay with our children.

Oh, that's what we really wanted,

- deep down, huh?
- Hey! [LAUGHS]

- Yeah.
- Is it?

- Aww!
- [LAUGHTER]

Hey!

♪ ♪

Well, it all worked out in the end.

No, it did not. [CHUCKLES]

You guys didn't get a house,

and Joanna made out with our cousin.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But is it not, in a way, exactly
the kind of crazy story

that people can tell
about me at my shiva?

You know, like Aunt
Judith's fun stories?

Read my lips...

No one is ever gonna
speak of that again.

Yeah. Profoundly disturbing.

- REBECCA: So weird.
- Oh, a toast.

To family staying close.

But not as close as Joanna

and her cousin Maggie.

- Hey-oh!
- Hey-oh!

Hey-oh!

- Hello, family.
- [PIG SQUEALS]

We missed our flight.

Got to stay here tonight.

Dave, Rebecca,

I'll take your room.