01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language

We are not having
a little break, OK?

This is it, me ending it.

Our relationship, it is over.

We're going to
tell Spencer today

because I am leaving.

Well, technically you are,

but we tell him today.

No, you're right.

We should...

take a little break and
then we can sit down

and talk things through.

Jonathan...

we are not having
a little break.

Can I just ask why today?

Look, people split up after
an expl*sive argument.

Isn't... Isn't somebody supposed to
throw the other person's stuff out

the window or something?

Do you know how much I would
love to have an expl*sive

argument with you?

You don't even raise your
voice, let alone throw something

out of the window!

I could throw something
out of a window.

Oh, are you...? Yeah, I am.

Oh, you're going to throw a
mug out of a window, are you?

Yeah, well, obviously, you
know, it would look mental.

It's pointless. Yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm really sorry, but we are
going to have to tell Spencer now.

But, Claire, we can't tell
him just before school.

Yeah, OK, you're right.

But we tell him
tonight. Exactly.

Then we have a bit of time
to cool off. Oh, my...

Right, Jonathan, I'm going
to say this one final time.

It is over.

OK, I get it. I get it.

I get it.

Let's see how we feel
after the dust settles?

♪ Dee, dee-dee, dee-dee... ♪

Breakfast in bed.
What's going on?

What did you do?

Well, you know I've just
finished that contract?

I just thought I'd take a
bit of time off the grind.

What, the grind of being
a graphic designer?

Yes, Dan. You're the one
that said I needed to be,

you know, less stressy.

Wasn't your last contract
creating a sexy French potato?

And does that sound easy?

Mm, point taken.

So I thought I'd do
a bit more cooking,

and tonight I booked us
in to Aston Lodge Spa.

Wow.

Thank you.

That's great. Mm.

So with more time off you can
get used to these frittatas.

Frittata. Frittata.

Frittata. Yeah, you know what?

It's delicious. Thank you.

Well, you haven't had any yet.

What? You haven't tasted it.

Yes.

Wow.

Just very flavoursome.

Is it? Mm.

Yeah, I'm going to go
and get some croissants.

Yes, please.

And a coffee.

Dad, just tell them that's
not what you asked for.

It's fine. They're busy.

They get your order wrong
pretty much every day.

Yeah, I know. That's exactly
why I can't tell them,

because then they'll know
I've never mentioned it.

It's too late.

I'll just... hide the ham
under this brown toast

I also didn't order.

PHONE ALERT

Do you want a milkshake?

Before school? It's, like, 8am.

Mate, milkshakes don't get
healthier later in the day.

But I now retract the
offer, so well done.

HE CLEARS THROAT All right.

Weird.

Why do we have to do spellings?

We have computers nowadays
and they have spell check.

The truth is computers can do
everything - obviously they can.

But you might as well learn as
much as you can so that you've got

something to offer in case of a
robot apocalypse or something.

A robot apocalypse
would be amazing.

I totally agree.

Apocalypse.

A-P-O-C...

A-L...

P-Y-S-E.

No. A-P-O-C-A-L...

Y-P-S-E. Yes, Spencer!

See?

They'd definitely keep you around
to be some sort of robot butler

or English teacher or whatever.

What would they make you?

Ah, probably like fuel.

I'm sort of big enough to keep
a car going for about an hour.

How was everything?

Oh, it was great.
Really good. Thank you.

Thanks so much. Delightful.

That was a bit much.

PHONE ALERT

Dad? TINNITUS-TYPE RINGING

Are you all right?

Erm...

Yeah, it's...

just Mum reminding me
to give you a big kiss.

OK. Come on, let's go.

Oh, don't worry, mate.
I'll take this for you.

Thank you! You just leave that.

Yeah. I'm not your
butler. OK. OK.

Dad joke.

What can I tell you? I'm a dad.

A-D-J...

E-C-E-N-T?

OK, it's A-C-E-N-T.
Oh. All right?

So just remember that. But
you're going to be great.

It's going to be
wicked, all right?

OK. Have a good one. Bye, Dad.

All right, bye. Have a good day.

Good luck in your spelling test.

Johnny...

Amanda, hi.

I spoke to Claire.

What?

She told me everything.

Everything about what?

I've been out of the
door for, like, an hour.

Oh, Jonathan, I'm so, so sorry.

I think you might have the
wrong end of the stick, Amanda.

What exactly did she say?

Well, that it's over.

Well, I think you...

You might have misunderstood
the situation, so...

I mean, her exact words were,

"It's definitely over between
Jonathan and me, definitely."

She used the word
definitely twice, did she?

I mean, it could've
been more, to be honest.

Right, well, erm...

Amanda, I'd really appreciate
it if you didn't talk to anyone

about, erm, well, what
you think you know.

Yeah, of course, of course.

I think Darren might've
overheard me on the phone.

You know what kids are like,
ear-wigging everything,

but I'm absolutely sure he
wouldn't... say anything.

You must let me know, mustn't
you, if I can do anything at all

to help you through this
time, OK, because...

It's not true, Darren!

It is true.

Your dad's a loser and
your mum's leaving him.

I'm telling you, it's not true!

Loser, loser!

KIDS: Loser, loser, loser!

Because I'm here to
support you, so call me...

Amanda, I've got to go.

Mm... Oh.

FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS
ABRUPTLY Oh... Hiya.

MUSIC RESTARTS

Good morning. How may I help?

Er, ah, yeah.
C-could I speak to...

I need to speak to
Spencer Sawyer, please.

He's in Mrs Greenwich's form.

I'm his dad.

Gosh, is everything all right?
Yeah, everything's fine. I just...

I need to speak to him
quite urgently, please.

Emma? Emma, do me a little
favour, please, sweetie.

Run along to Mrs Greenwich's
class and ask for...

Spencer Sawyer.

Spencer to come to the office.

His dad's here.

Well, so do you mind
getting a move on?

Sorry, it's just...
It's quite...

It's urgent. That's all.

I'm sorry about
that. It's just...

Oh, no, no, no. It's
fine. It's fine.

I hope it's, erm...

nothing too serious?

Oh, it's really not,
actually. It's...

If you need somewhere
private to talk to Spencer,

we have the quiet room
there that you can...

Yeah, thanks. We'll be fine.

You know best.

I mean, it's just it's really not
a big thing, so... Like I say...

you know, I don't want to
create a fuss. You know best.

Yeah. No, yeah.
It's just, erm...

Ah, also, we have our
family liaison officer,

Mrs Hepworth.

I can call her if you
like. You don't need to...

She is specifically trained
to help deliver news.

But there is no news!
Actually. Oh... Sorry.

It's just there is...
Sorry, I didn't...

It's just there is no
news. I didn't mean to pry.

Yeah, no. I'm just
saying that we have help

if you'd like it.

Actually, could we...

Could we forget Spencer, actually,
sort of cancel the order for Sp...

Could we... Is it possible to
get Darren out of class, please?

Darren? Yes, please. Yeah.

Is he your son?

Right, do you know what?
Forget it. Forget it.

f*ck.

f*ck. f*ck...

f*ck!

PHONE VIBRATES

Hi, Dan.

Hi.

How are you?

Yeah, good. You?

Who's that? SHE
WHISPERS: Jonathan.

Oh... You're good?

Despite the fact Claire
left you this morning?

What, did she call you?

No. It's the lead story
in the Daily Mail Online.

Course she called me.

Right. Why?

Maybe because we're friends, and
she knew that you wouldn't tell me,

and she wanted to save me
three months of asking you

if you were all right.

Well, it's just a
little blip, Dan. OK?

It's not a blip.

It is a blip.

It's not a blip.

Look, I really
think it's a blip.

It's not a f*cking blip. OK?

A blip is when Dad took up
Indian drumming and Mum hated it.

That's a blip.

Look, if I'm honest, I'm amazed
she stuck around this long.

You must realise how impossible
you are to live with.

You just sort of
fall through life.

You know, Courtney once described
you as one of those tokens

on Tipping Point.

Yeah, well, I think the saddest
thing about that is that Courtney

watches Tipping Point.

Look, I'm not that bad, OK?

Look, she'll come back.

I know she will.

OK, and what are you
basing that knowledge on?

I mean, has she said
she's leaving you before?

No.

Right, well, if she's not leaving
you then it's an incredibly

impressive simulation.

Don't feel you need to
sugar-coat it, will you?

That was me sugar-coating it.

Here is the sugar-free version.

It is over.

When are you telling Spencer?

She wants to tell him tonight,
but that can't happen.

Well, why not?

Because we can't do
this to Spencer, OK?

We just can't.

OK, look, I want you to know
that when you finally accept this

we're here for you.
COURTNEY: We're not.

We?

Yes, me and Courtney.

Mm, I'm not f*cking
here for him. I'm not...

Right, well, that would imply that,
A, there's actually a problem,

which there isn't
because it's a blip,

and, B, that Courtney's
capable of human emotion,

which she isn't
because she's a blip.

Well, if you need anywhere to stay
then you are always welcome here.

MUSIC: Satellite
Of Love by Lou Reed

♪ Satellite's gone up to the sky

♪ Things like that
drive me out of my mind

♪ I watched it
for a little while

♪ I like to watch things on TV

♪ Bom, bom, bom
Satellite of love...

♪ Bom, bom, bom... ♪
f*ck!

♪ Satellite of love

♪ Bom, bom, bom
Satellite of love

♪ Satellite of... ♪

HE SIGHS

♪ Satellite's gone
way up to Mars... ♪

PHONE ALERT

♪ Soon it'll be filled
with parkin' cars

♪ I watched it
for a little while

♪ I love to watch things on TV

♪ Bom, bom, bom
Satellite of love

♪ Bom, bom, bom
Satellite of love... ♪

HE BEEPS HORN

♪ Satellite of love

♪ Satellite of... ♪

You all right?

How you doing? You good?

You good? Yeah?

How was school?

Yeah, fine. Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Anything you want to talk about?

Did you come into school
to see me this morning?

Hmm. Did I come into...

Oh, yes. Yes.

Do you know what
happened? I, ah...

I thought you'd forgotten
your PE kit, so I thought,

"You know, it's Friday -
got to get his PE kit,"

but obviously it's not
Friday, so that was silly.

I took it back home.

I don't have PE
on Friday either.

Oh. Tuesday? Was it...

Nope.

Wednesday?

Nope.

Right, when the
hell is PE, then?

Are you OK, Dad?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine. So, ah,
anything else happen?

Do you mean the spelling test?

Yeah.

I...

I actually got full marks.

That's brilliant. Well done.

Smashed it. Yeah.

I'm proud of you.

We worked hard.

You see. That's what
happens, isn't it?

OK, so nothing else
to report, then.

Well, Darren was weird.

What do you mean,
weird? How was he weird?

He gave me his cake from
his packed lunch today

for absolutely no reason.

Well, that's weird.

Erm, did he say anything?

No.

He just hugged me.

Right.

Maybe he's having
problems at home.

Yeah, I think that's what it is.

I think he is having
problems at home.

Do you know, I shouldn't
tell you this, but, erm...

I've heard his mum drinks a lot.

And by a lot, I mean A LOT.

HE STARTS ENGINE

Poor Darren.

PHONE ALERT

Right, change of plan.

What?

We're going to Auntie Dan's.

Why?

Because Mum said
she's working late,

so we're going to go
to Auntie Dan's, OK?

OK, cool. Yeah?

And how about we go
to the beach tomorrow?

But I've got school tomorrow.

I... I cleared it with them.

Th-that's why I...

That's why I came in today,
to clear it with them.

I was going to tell you that.

So Auntie Dan's and then
the beach. Fun, right?

Right. Yeah, cool. So...

But we haven't got time -
we've got to get a move on,

so this is going
off and we're going.

Let's go. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.

Come on, quick, quick, quick.

What do I pack?

Spencer, I haven't got time for
all these questions. We're staying

for a couple of nights. A pair
of pants you don't mind turning

inside-out, all right?
Let's go. Move, move.

You are not walking
quickly enough!

Spencer, are you packing, yeah?

Make sure you bring
enough socks and stuff.

Are you joking?

What are you doing?

What day are you
wearing this outfit?

HE GROANS

OK, come on. Let's go.

OK, let's go. Come on.

Spencer, come on.

Are you doing this on purpose?

Right, let's go. Seat belt on.

OK. Let's go.

Aargh!

All good? I'm sorry about that.

Are you all right, Dad?

I'm good, mate,
good. It's just taut.

Ow!

Because then we can
start our fun, can't we?

Excited?

Huh? Erm...

yeah. Excited?

Yeah. Fun time!

PHONE VIBRATES

COURTNEY HUMS A TUNE

Do you know how much I love you?

So much. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Now, remember how we always say
that we're an impenetrable circle

and nothing can destroy us?

We've literally never said that.

So it might be that we have
to put our trip on hold,

for a day or so.

It's the f*ck, isn't it?

I think you're
referring to Jonathan.

Yes, I am.

Right, well, he might - and
when I say might, will -

he will be coming over. When?

Today. When today?

Not sure. Potentially now.

And just while you're in
this very negative headspace,

he is bringing Spencer.

I knew this would happen.

Well, he's not that bad.

Why didn't you just tell
him that we had plans?

Because he needs us.

He's going through a divorce.

No, he isn't going through a divorce
because they never got married,

because that wet prick never
pulled his finger out and proposed.

You need to call him and tell
him that we're going away.

Dad, is Mum joining us there?

Sorry?

Is she coming to the beach?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, it's Auntie Dan!

It's Auntie Dan. Auntie
Dan's on the phone.

Yeah, I can see
that. Auntie Dan.

So you going to answer?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, OK.

Hi, Dan. You're on speakerphone.

Jonathan, hi. I
just got your text.

So you're coming to see us?

Yeah. We're about,
erm, ten minutes away.

I'm with Spencer, who's
with me on speakerphone.

Are you all right?

Yeah, we're fine. Yeah, yeah.
We're looking forward to it.

We just thought we'd pop
in and, just so you know,

Spencer's with me on speaker.

What, on a Thursday?

Yes, on a Thursday, Dan.

Yes, both of us, Spencer
and I, on a Thursday.

And, by the way,
he's on speaker.

Ah, Jonathan, quick question.

Is Spencer on speakerphone? Because
you've only mentioned it 300 times.

SPENCER LAUGHS

Not funny. Yes, thanks for that.

Spencer, me and Courtney, we...

We cannot wait to see you.

We're going to have all
your favourite foods, OK?

Hey, do you still like yum yums?

Yes, Auntie Dan. Brilliant.

OK, well, Jonathan, can you
go to Tesco's and grab some?

We've not got any in.

I've got one more client, OK? So
Courtney will have to let you in.

Great. Thanks.

See you then.

That whole speakerphone thing
was embarrassing, wasn't it?

Yes.

Yes, it was.

All right, come on.

Is anyone going to answer?

Oh, Spencer.

Hi.

Come in, guys.

Thanks.

COURTNEY CLEARS HER THROAT

Dan's just... She'll
be out in a sec.

She's with a client.

What's this one's problem?

Ah, he's addicted to smoking.

OK, so I will see you next week.

Well, he does look like
a bit of a... smoker.

I know.

Oh, my God. You're here!

Yeah, goodness.

Hi!

It's really made our week.

Oh, God, is this a bad time?

No, don't be daft.

Hey, Spencer, look at
you - you look great.

And the best news is your
dress sense still hasn't been

affected by your father.

OK, that was a bit unnecessary.

You look like you're going for a
casting for an IKEA commercial.

Hm.

Oh, well, I know that's an insult.
I don't really understand why.

You wouldn't.

Courtney, could you take Spencer
to go look at your, erm...

your office?

What? I don't really
think that's...

I just need to have a quick talk
with your dad before dinner.

Do you? Yes.

Erm...

All right, then. Well,
ah, come on, mate.

Let's ditch these losers.

Go on.

Thanks for that, Dan. He's
always wanted to see an office.

Right, sit down.

What's going on?

What? Nothing is going on.

Right. Does Claire
know you're here?

Yes, of course she does.

I mean, we just thought it'd be good
to have a bit of space to give us

the best chance to...
patch things up.

Look, you're my
brother, and I love you.

So I'm going to ask you again

and I'm going to trust
whatever you say.

Yes, Mummy, I did wipe
my botty properly.

Does Claire know you're here?

Yes. Jesus, Dan! Yes.

Yes. OK?

Do you like bikes?

Yeah.

Cool.

Guys, it's a f*cking nightmare.

I've literally got nothing.

Can you just give
us ten minutes?

Ten minutes? Yes.

At least order me some
Chinese food, then. Yeah, OK.

Spring rolls, my own portion.

I don't think we need ten
minutes. I think I should...

I'll just get this ordered -
and don't think I'm finished

with you and Claire yet. Honestly,
there's nothing left to say.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh,
speak of the devil.

Right, Dan, can you... Hello.

Cl-Claire... OK,
calm down. Breathe.

Breathe.

What do you mean, you
don't know where they are?

Yes, they're both here.

Yeah. Just so you know, I
actually thought that you knew

that they were here... OK.

Yep.

Here you go. Good luck.

Hi, Claire.

Yeah... No, I'm sorry.

Yeah. I-I panicked.

I f*cked up.

Yeah. Yeah, he's fine.

Claire, it's actually quite
difficult to understand

what you're saying
because you're shouting,

which I understand why you're...

Well, I think actually he's...

I don't think you should come
now because he's actually already

asleep, so it's probably
best to come tomorrow.

Yes, I really am a twat, yes.

Yes, we can tell
him that too, yeah.

OK. Erm...

I-I-I'm really sorry.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Eight's fine. Yeah, OK.

All right. OK.

All right. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Sorry.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not doing it any more.

I'm not baby-sitting any more.

Have you ordered the Chinese?

JAZZ MUSIC

Well, he's fast asleep.

Must've been tired out from all
that great chat with you, Courtney.

Right, then. Jonathan, talk.

What?

What what?

You do realise you made us an
accomplice to kidnapping a minor?

Well, if that's the case,
you were a pretty sh*t one,

weren't you? You gave away
my location instantly.

This isn't a joke, Jonathan.

I don't understand what you think
you're going to achieve by all this.

I don't know, Dan. I don't
know if you've noticed -

I haven't exactly got a
master plan, all right?

I just thought that if I
took charge for once...

Again, by kidnapping Spencer.

OK, it's not a kidnap, is it?

I just thought if she comes tomorrow
and sees how happy Spencer and us

all are, then,
you know, maybe...

Ah, excuse me, Dan. What the
hell do you think you're doing?

I haven't finished!

All right, well, I hadn't
seen you eat in a while.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Can you tell me the
maximum amount of time

I'm allowed between mouthfuls?

OK, can I ask you
a quick question?

You know that time you left that
bowl of Weetabix on the counter

for two days? Was that
between mouthfuls?

You're supposed to leave
it out before you wash it.

Yes, with water, Courtney.

You don't leave it until
it turns to cement.

We had to get a new bowl.

Sorry, are you the
people I'm supposed to be

taking relationship advice from?

Actually, Jonathan, yes, we are.

This is a normal relationship.

Someone says or does something
that you don't agree with

and you express your
feelings about it.

Yeah, running away from everything
isn't always the answer, Jonathan.

OK, and what if Spencer
starts to pick up on that?

What if he becomes you?

My God.

I mean, he's already got that
vacant stare of a rooftop sn*per.

MUSIC: Can You Get
To That by Funkadelic

ALARM BEEPS

♪ I once had a life, or rather

♪ Life had me... ♪

Spencer.

Spencer, wake up.

Spencer?

What are you doing?

Shh, shh, shh. I don't want to wake
up Auntie Dan and Auntie Courtney.

OK, now, listen. I said we're
going to have a day at the beach,

we're going to have a
day at the beach, OK?

We're going to have
the best day ever.

Yes!

Are you serious?

Shh!

Sorry.

It's OK, but quiet.

Please.

Sh!

MUSIC: Be Young, Be Foolish,
Be Happy by The Tams

♪ Do-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

♪ Be young

♪ Be foolish

♪ But be happy

♪ Do-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

♪ Be young

♪ Be foolish

♪ But be happy... ♪

JONATHAN SHOUTS SPENCER LAUGHS

♪ Don't let the rain

♪ Get you down

♪ It's a waste of time

♪ A waste of time

♪ Have your fun

♪ Live every day

♪ In the bright sunshine... ♪

PHONE VIBRATES

JONATHAN SIGHS

What's next, then?

Do you want to do
the dodgems again?

Dad, can I talk to
you for a second?

Yeah, always.

Everything all right?

Erm, I don't know
how to tell you this.

Look, whatever it is, it'll
be fine, I promise. Go on.

I lied to you yesterday.

I failed the spelling test.

That's no problem at all.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

Look, don't worry about it.

You'll smash the next one.

OK?

Yeah?

What made you lie?

You just...

You helped me out so much.

But then I knew I
had to face up to it.

Well done.

I'm proud of you.

Come on.

Should we head back
to Auntie Dan's?

Guess what?

What?

Mum's come to join us.

Really?

Yeah.

Amazing! This is going
to be so much fun.

Have you had a good day?

I've had a great day!

Good.

Dad joke!

What can I tell you?

I'm a dad.

MUSIC: First Day Of
My Life by Bright Eyes

♪ This is the first
day of my life

♪ Swear I was born
right in the doorway

♪ I went out in the rain

♪ Suddenly everything changed

♪ They're spreading
blankets on the beach

♪ Yours is the first
face that I saw

♪ I think I was blind
before I met you... ♪