One Big Happy Family (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[thunder]

[music]

[laughter]

[music]

[music]

RACHEL: A bat mitzvah

is the single most

important day

of a Jewish girl's life.

It's the day she

becomes a woman

in front of her

entire family...

And all of her friends.

- Dork.

- [giggling]

RACHEL: This was

my bat mitzvah.

[chanting in Hebrew]

And this is my sister Sara.

She marches to her own beat.

What that beat is,

we're still unclear.

And this is my mother Lenore.

And let's be honest,

this was really her day.

And this is my dad,

doing what he did best...

Loving me.

I was a shy kid, so

this was all kind of tough.

I had to read from the Torah

and chant lots of prayers.

But then I had

to make a speech.

In my own words.

This was the moment I dreaded.

[heartbeats]

I thought I was

actually going to die.

My heart started racing,

the room started spinning.

[giggling]

But what happened next,

may have been worse than death.

[music]

GIRL (whispering):

What is she doing?

Today, I am a woman.

What does it mean

to be a woman, I ask myself?

Rachel, darling, what is this?

We all know that...

the day you become a woman

is the day you

first menstruate?

Red Letter Day,

we used to call it.

The day I got my first period.

My mother slapped

me across the face

because that's what

they did back then.

Remember the day

you got your first period?

Who will forget that day?

RACHEL: My family spoke

about this moment

of utter humiliation

for years to come.

That innocent shyness

snowballed into severe

anxiety and a lifelong

fear of public speaking.

So, I'm now a

mom and my daughter

Sammie's bat

mitzvah is coming up.

And besides planning

this monster of an event,

which at this

point may have me

institutionalized,

I must do the unthinkable.

Make a speech.

But I am determined

to give Sammie

the perfect day

that I didn't have.

One that no mothers,

meaning me

in this case,

could possibly ruin.

[music]

But you know that old

Yiddish saying...

"Man plans and God laughs"?

There's a reason

those old adages hold true.

Today I am an old woman.

[footsteps]

What?

Oh, um, I was just, I...

Happy birthday, baby.

RACHEL: Oh, and it

was also my 40th birthday.

Oh, no.

What's wrong?

I--the speech.

I--I--I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Listen, why don't

you just forget about that

today and let

us celebrate you.

I'm trying to forget

about my birthday.

All this attention's

giving me anxiety.

Are you taking

the ashwagandha?

Are you insane?

Have you at least

opened up your relaxation app?

The only app I open

is for my word games.

Which only gives

you more anxiety.

I love you.

And I love your anxiety.

And I love that

you're the only actress

in the world who hates

being the center of attention.

[record scratch]

RACHEL:Maybe

I should back up a bit.

Despite my absolute fear

of public speaking,

I'm also an actress.

So because I was always

told I don't look Jewish,

I had to

change my last name

and develop a completely

different actor persona.

Hi, my name is Rachel Dawn, and

I'm from Long Island, New York.

INTERVIEWER: Great.

Ready to try one?

Remember, we need

a lot of energy.

I feel the light

of Christ inside me.

And here's a

lovely birthday gift.

The union kicked me

off the health insurance.

Said I didn't earn enough.

Aren't the struggling,

unemployed actors the ones

who are actually in

need of the insurance?

Well, thankfully,

we're not struggling.

And you can be on

my insurance for once,

which kind of makes

you my dependent.

That actually makes

it worse, because my dad

hardwired me

to be independent.

I wonder what he'd be

saying to me right now.

Probably that all my

supplements are horseshit.

Besides that, I mean about

the whole bat mitzvah thing.

He always knew

the perfect words

to make all my fear

and anxiety disappear.

He'd say, "This too shall pass."

Oh, no.

That just reminded me

my mother's coming soon.

- How did that remind you--

- Oh, my God, the girls.

Are they awake?

We have to leave

in like ten minutes.

Yes, they are awake,

dressed, and may have

something waiting

for you in the kitchen.

- So, meet me downstairs.

- Okay.

[music]

[sighs] Oh, gosh.

Daddy, I need you.

[music]

Happy birthday, Mom!

Aw, thank you, my loves.

Come here.

Oh, I love you guys so much.

I made you a birthday parfait.

Why did you do

that without me?

Daddy.

Sammie, stop.

Dad, what the hell?

Is this cheese?

For decoration.

SAMMIE: Gross.

- Mom?

- Yeah?

Do I have to do my

bat mitzvah lesson today?

Yes.

Amanda, this is amazing.

But today's a

special occasion.

So is your bat mitzvah.

But--I just have

a lot of homework, Mom.

Maybe we should just

cancel the whole thing.

No DJs, no ballrooms.

I don't know, Marcus,

what do you think?

Religion's your thing.

I'm staying out of it.

My love, a bat mitzvah

is more than just a party.

You're gonna

become a Jewish woman.

Our Judaism is the

one constant in our life.

I know all this studying

is a lot, but it's one

of those things you're

gonna be so grateful you did.

Oh, just like

you're so grateful?

Well, my bat mitzvah

was a total disaster,

but I promise you, yours will

be a completely different thing.

Well, Mother, since

I'm putting so much

time and effort into

my Hebrew studies,

I'm hoping you're doing the same

with, say, writing your speech?

- Oh, no.

- Sammie, please, not now.

Mom, you're an actress,

for Christ's sake.

You're gonna ruin

the whole day if you don't.

Sammie.

Sammie, I love you,

but you know

you're asking

the impossible, right?

Sammie, she can't,

but I can.

You're not even Jewish.

All right, girls,

come on, let's go.

Uh, Rach, speaking

of that, I hate

to bring it up,

but at some point we gotta

talk about my relatives

in all this. [phone dings]

And, girls, you

guys ready for school?

AMANDA: No.

MARCUS: Let's give Mom

a break and I can drive you.

SAMMIE: No.

Huh?

No, Mama.

[Rachel chuckles]

What's wrong with Daddy?

Wow. Be that way.

I'll pick you up for dinner.

Hey, I wanna go

to dinner with you guys.

Me too, I wanna go.

I love your soft,

floppy arm skin.

It's like Grandma's.

Hmm, thank you, but, no,

you're not coming to dinner.

Let's go.

[school bell rings]

[phone rings]

Hi, Mamala.

Wait, wait... one, two,

a-one-two-three...

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Rachel

Happy birthday to you

Thank you, Mamala, thank you.

That's Bernie and

Zelda from the temple.

BERNIE AND ZELDA:

Happy birthday, Rachel.

We wanted to be the first

to wish you a happy birthday.

You're not exactly

the first, but...

Zelda, you can go now, honey.

Bernie's colitis

is acting up again.

Lovely.

So what do you mean

we're not the first ones?

What time is it there?

Listen, you could have

at least said hello to them.

The girls are

already at school.

We just finished breakfast.

You know I don't sleep at night.

I couldn't sleep either.

What now?

What's going on?

Pre-event anxiety.

I don't know how you

come up with all this mishigas.

Hopefully that

husband of yours

is planning something

special for you tonight.

Yes, he is, Mamala.

We're going out

to dinner with Gerry

and her new flavor

of the month, Pablo.

Give her my love

and tell her I want the name

of that medium

that was on her show.

Honestly, I can't add

one more thing to my brain.

My head is about to explode.

Marcus suddenly

wants to talk

about his family

at the bat mitzvah.

Apparently, they're

all freaking out

about going

to a Jewish service.

This is why, and I

know I'm not supposed

to say this, it's important

to marry within your religion.

Oy, Ma! Don't start.

I'm not starting,

but I'm just saying.

This bat mitzvah is between you

and your daughter

and your father.

The only thing

getting me through

all this insanity

is my connection to him.

Well, I wish I was

there to toast you tonight.

Well, you know,

that wish could be a reality

if you would just

sell the house and move here.

You know, be

a normal grandmother.

You know I don't like to

be called that name, right?

Okay, I'll call you later.

I have to start packing.

You're coming in like a week.

It takes me time.

I have to get out

all my summerclothes,

lay everything out on the bed.

It's freezing here.

Then I have to go through

security with my titanium hip.

[sighs] You're not

even listening to me.

And take my shoes

off at my age, oy.

You have pre-check.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Mamala, I love you.

[kisses] Love you more.

Why do you always

have to say that?

Everyone always

says that and it...

[call ends]

[music]

I swear, my productions

would all go up in flames

if I wasn't there

to put out every fire.

Oh, damn.

Now I want a fireman.

- Rachel, happy birthday.

- Thank you.

I see your practice

is deepening.

Thank you, Lawrence.

- I've been really--

- How's your mother doing?

She'll be in town for

the big event, I presume.

Oh, yes, she will.

Tell her Lawrence

from yoga sends his best.

She truly is a remarkable woman.

That she is.

I think Lawrence wants my mom.

Can you blame him?

Lenore's a babe.

[scoffs] Yeah, five minutes

with her and he'll give

up his yoga practice

for crystal meth.

Oh, your mom's the best.

So, tell me, birthday

girl, how do you feel?

Forty and fabulous?

- More like old and obsolete.

- Oh, stop it.

Forty is when you finally

start to know yourself...

when you start

to know your body.

Yeah, I know that

my belly skin flops

over my face

when I'm in down dog.

You're body dysmorphic.

I'm talking about sex.

You're always talking about sex.

Can we talk about

something fun,

like me ruining my

daughter's bat mitzvah?

Oh, I almost forgot.

- Did you get your results?

- What results?

The DNA test we took.

Mine came back this morning.

I think I'm a royal.

I don't know how you convinced

me to do these

ridiculous things.

Rachel, you gotta check it.

It tells you everything...

Your genetic

makeup, your health risks,

which I have

none, by the way.

It connects you with

cousins all over the world.

I don't need some website

to tell me I'm a neurotic Jew.

With more than enough

family to drive me insane.

Have you seen my seating chart?

It's like a

medieval battle plan.

[music]

Ugh, Gerry.

[music]

APP: [ding]

You have new relatives.

What?

Grandfather?

[beeps]

Hi, Bobby.

[sends message]

Ridiculous.

Ay...

[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]

[Rachel chanting in Hebrew]

- Mm-hm.

[Sammie continues chanting]

[phone rings]

Hey, Ma.

What's up?

I'm just cooking

dinner for the girls.

I forgot to tell you,

when you're doing

the seating

arrangement, Aunt Martha

can't sit next to Uncle Arthur.

They're still not speaking.

Because of the dog.

You know, it may be

easier if you send me

a color-coded chart

of who's not speaking

to whom, about

what, coupled with a list

of things I should

or shouldn't say,

highlighted with specific

times of the evening.

I'm just trying to help.

I can assure you,

you're not helping.

I don't want you to

go to dinner tonight.

Oh, honey.

Mama's on the verge

of a nervous breakdown,

incited by your grandmother.

Ach, Grandmother.

[phone rings]

Ma, I think it's

the caterers, um...

Let me just call

you tomorrow. I love you.

LENORE: Love you more.

- [groans]

[beeps]

Hello?

-Rachel?

- Yeah.

I mean, who's calling?

Rachel. This is Bobby,

your grandfather.

- How'd you get my number?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

It was in your profile,

and I got it from there.

Are you there?

Hello?

Look, um, this

really isn't a good time.

Okay. I just thought

that you wanted

to connect because

the DNA test said that...

You know, I just

thought that it was insane

that they were saying

you were my grandfather

and you're exactly my age.

I mean, at least as of

today, you are, but...

Wow. Well, so

it's your birthday.

Well, happy birthday.

That's really crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm well aware of the irony, but

look, um, I'm sure I spit wrong.

Oh, yeah.

You know, into the

tube, um, there was alcohol

in my saliva,

and I'm sure it just kinda

messed things

up a bit, and so it...

I'm sure the

whole thing is wrong,

so I don't even

know why I called.

Or you called, or someone

called someone, but...

- You called. I called...

- Okay, goodbye.

Okay.

[music]

[sets phone down]

Another telemarketer?

No, it was...

I don't even f*cking know.

SAMMIE: Mom?

I'm done with my Hebrew lesson?

Hello, Rachel.

Hi, Rabbi Josephine.

I... I was just

practicing lines.

New role.

No, you weren't.

You said that the

business was misogynist,

and ageist, and no

one wants you anymore.

Amanda? Gosh.

I... I don't know where she

comes up with these things.

Well, Rachel,

I'm glad to know

that you're still

comfortable on stage.

The mother's speech

has come to be what

I look forward to

most in the service.

You become a

voice for all mothers.

No pressure.

Yeah. Yeah.

[clears throat]

I... I... I can't wait to

be that... that voice.

[laughs] And then Sammie,

who was three

at the time, she

says, "Oh, no, Mrs. Walters,

my daddy uses that

word all the time."

Tell them the

other preschool story.

What other preschool story?

You know, when you

had to give a speech

at the PTA meeting...

she almost passed out.

I'm really glad

my incapacitating

phobia gives you such joy.

It was so good.

Didn't you say

she was an actress?

Is an actress... is.

You know, according

to the drug ads,

I suffer moderate

to severe anxiety,

Pablo, but no,

I'm not an actress.

- I quit.

MARCUS & GERRY: Again?

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Another.

Maybe I should

go into social work.

You have social

anxiety and hate people.

- Mm.

- She has some anxiety.

It's really not that bad.

And thanks to

your brilliant DNA test,

I found out I have a grandfather

who happens to be my age.

MARCUS & GERRY: What?

Is that a thing?

No, that's not a thing.

What DNA test?

One of my talk shows gave

us a bunch of RapidDNA tests.

Rachel and I took

them over mimosas.

Oh, you can call

me Queen, by the way.

- Ay, mi reina.

- [laughs]

But wait a minute.

These companies only estimate

relationships by the

percentage of DNA shared.

So this guy

could either be your

grandfather or

your half-brother.

ALL: What?

But what do I know?

I'm just a doctor.

And I saw a

m*rder show about it.

You know what? I need

a m*rder show on my slate.

Wait.

You're saying

I have a half-brother?

Or a grandfather.

Okay, there are no

grandfathers involved.

It can be wrong.

Mm...DNA doesn't lie.

Who are you, Maury Povich?

Who?

Maybe you did the test wrong.

You're the one who

did it for me, Queen.

It also says that

I'm only half-Jewish.

That's impossible.

- You're like super-Jew.

- I know.

I should be documenting this.

Do I need to be jealous

of this Maury Povich?

This whole thing is a mistake.

I'm sure of it.

[humming]

Sara...

Sara.

Oh, hey, birthday girl.

My birthday was yesterday.

The sun is in your

sign and I celebrate you.

Come here, my sister.

Gosh, I remember

the moment you were born.

I swear, I felt

the cosmic shift.

That's impossible.

I'm older than you.

You smell like

a skunk, by the way.

[giggles] New dispensary

next door. Shh...

Do you have anything

for a hangover?

I'm not feeling very well.

Alcohol is blocking

your meridians.

This one cleanses the liver.

Mm-mm.

You didn't come

to my show last night.

Oh, no.

I completely forgot.

Oh, I know.

Your acting is way more

important than my music, so...

- Are you serious?

- I'm serious.

Why do you always do that?

Hello, Sara.

Oh, hi, Rachel.

- Hi, Lawrence.

- Namaste, guru.

Wait, wow do you

two know each other?

Um, Sara, this is

the yoga teacher

I told you about.

You know, with Mom.

- What yoga teacher?

- Oh, my God.

Are you sisters?

Yeah.

Of course you are.

I see Lenore's

radiance in both of you.

What a remarkable woman.

Okay.

Lawrence from yoga

totally has a crush on Mom.

That would be so great for her.

With all her hip problems, it's

all coming from her root chakra.

You know, that

could totally open

her up energetically

and physically.

You know what I'm saying?

No. No. I have no idea

what you're saying.

But, um, but look,

um, I did this DNA test

with Gerry, and it says

I'm only half Jewish

and that I have a half brother.

What? That is really great.

I'm so excited for you.

How is that at all great?

It's really messed up.

Oh, you know,

I don't believe in DNA.

But whatever it

is, you will always

be a part of my

spiritual family.

What is that supposed to mean?

And, alright, DNA

is not something you

could choose whether

or not to believe in.

It's not like some hip trend

like juicing, for instance.

Wow. This DNA thing

clearly triggers you.

Yes, Sara.

I'm very, very triggered.

It's a lot of

negative energy, okay?

Listen, if you want,

I will take the test, too,

and we can embark on

this mystical quest together.

Really?

Okay.

Except for, can

you send me the test?

Because you know that I don't

subscribe to the concept

of financial transactions,

but my landlord does.

And my manager has been cutting

my hours for some reason.

RACHEL: Sure.

- Oh, my God.

This is going to be so great.

It's going to be like

a real-life episode

of Jerry Springer.

[music]

[music pauses]

[music restarts]

[phone rings]

Hello, darling.

I didn't think you'd

be up this early.

Mom, it's noon here.

I don't live in Hawaii.

You know this time

difference still gets me.

Has it always been three hours?

I feel like it keeps changing.

Okay, Mom.

- Look. Something came up.

What? It's not cancer, is it?

You know, I can't take that.

No, Mom.

I don't have cancer.

Okay, fine. What?

Okay.

- Mom?

- [computer beeps]

Did Daddy cheat on you?

- What?

- Okay, yes.

That was a stupid

question because you probably

wouldn't know

if he was cheating on you.

Wait a second.

It could have been you

who was cheating on him.

Yes. Of course.

It was the sexual revolution.

Gloria Steinem.

Women's lib.

Burning bras.

I don't know what

you're talking about,

but if you ask me, just shave

your armpits and your legs.

Makes you feel more clean.

No, Mom. Okay.

I have a half-brother, I think,

who lives in Long Island.

Did your sister give you one

of her brownies? Huh?

They've been helping

me a lot with my hip pain.

No.

According to

the stupid DNA test,

I have a half-brother,

Bobby, who lives

in Long Island,

and he's exactly my age.

- Paper or plastic?

- What?

Paper or plastic bags?

Crap, I left my bags in the car.

Yeah, that happens

to me all the time.

You have to remember to take the

bags and put them in the trunk.

They are in my trunk, which

is why they're not in here.

Paper's fine.

- So, Mom...

- Double bag or single?

Holy hell, just give me that.

I have no idea what

you're talking about.

Half-brothers and DNA.

Why in the world would

you take this fakakta test?

You know, when you

go looking for dred...

I wasn't looking.

I was drinking with Gerry.

sh*t, now I think I have

a drinking problem.

No one cheated on anyone.

Okay? And that test is wrong.

You know, this is

very upsetting to me.

My heart is not

all that good, you know.

What's wrong with

your heart all of a sudden?

Nothing, yet.

But I'm seeing a cardiologist.

Very good-looking man.

He thought I was

in my 50s when we met.

Don't forget my cottage cheese.

That's all I want.

I like to diet

when I'm with you.

I can stand to

lose a few pounds.

Okay, Mamala, I love you.

I love you more.

[call ends]

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

[phone rings]

- Hello?

- [slurping] Mm.

Hey, I'm... wow.

What?

You look so familiar.

Oh, um, yeah.

I'm an actress.

No, did you go to Emerson High?

Oh, um, yes, I did, but, um...

I think we

met at some point.

Yeah, maybe. Well, look...

I don't know how

any of this happened.

I just know that my

father never cheated

on my mother and my mother

never cheated on my father.

Hm. Well, my mother never

cheated on my father

and my father never

cheated on my mother.

When my father was alive,

he was an insanely good man.

Like, basically, everything

good in me is from him.

And he's my literal twin.

We have the same face

and intellect and knees.

I mean, I always

hated my fat knees and then,

one day, I saw

a picture of him

and me walking

on the beach of Cape Cod

and I realized

we had the same exact knees

and then

suddenly I was okay

with them because

they were his.

They were like a

fat family heirloom.

My knees, that is.

Well, wow.

I'm sorry about your

father and your knees, I guess.

My parents died a long time ago.

I guess you could

call me an orphan.

You kind of have

my sister's eyes.

We have a sister!

I mean, you.

You have a sister.

Yeah.

Her name is Sara.

She's a musician.

I am an only child

and I always wanted a sister.

Well, I never wanted a brother.

I was kind of happy with the

way things are... were... are.

Well, look, miss

I-never-wanted-a-brother,

you reached out to me.

So, my test came

back exactly as I expected.

Half Northern European,

half Southern European.

Everything was

fine until you came

and shook it up, my

elderly granddaughter.

Your what?

I know I may

be too old for this

shitty business,

but I'm only 40.

Only 40.

Well, in dog years, you'd

been dead a long time ago.

[laughs]

I always wanted a dog.

But I could never get

one because of my aller--

- Allergies?

- Geez.

You want to do another test?

Different company?

Just to confirm?

- I guess so.

- All right.

I'm going to start

researching ASAP.

This is, uh...

this is pretty cool.

[music]

[ends call]

Tita Christina, of course we

want you at the bat mitzvah.

What? No! We want

all of Marcus' family.

[sighs] You'll be fine.

I promise.

You just have to

sit there and watch.

Like a show...

In Hebrew.

And then you get to eat a lot.

Just not pork.

I know how much you

and Marcus love your lechon.

[phone dings]

COMPUTER: You have

new relatives.

You have new relatives.

- f*ck me.

- You have new relatives.

- No, no, not you.

- You have new relatives.

Tita, no. Um, please,

let me call you back.

Oh, God...

[beeps]

[sets phone on counter]

[phone rings]

- Bobby?

- Rachel, it's Bobby.

Yeah, I know.

I just said that.

- Are you seeing these?

- What now?

Tons of alerts.

Tons of cousins.

Are you lactose intolerant?

Because apparently I am.

Yeah, I'm getting them and

I'm not checking any of them.

Look, I have a lot

going on right now.

The relatives are flying

in for the bat mitzvah.

- Bat Mitzvah?

- Yeah, I'm Jewish.

Well, at least

I think I am,

even though I'm always

told I don't look it.

Uh, what are we

talking about here?

Nothing, nothing.

Uh, look, I gotta go right now.

Yes, of course.

I gotta go buy some Lactaid.

Uh, let me know when you get

the results of the second test.

Sure.

[ends call]

[music]

My girls!

Oh, they're so skinny.

I hope you're feeding them.

No, Mom.

I'm starving them.

New parenting technique.

- I'm hungry.

- She's hungry.

Get in.

Daddy's cooking dinner.

[music]

Thank you, darling.

You're welcome.

[music]

I can't believe you're

wearing that perfume.

[chuckles] Everybody

loves it on me, except you.

That's because

I'm allergic to it, Mom.

[sneezes]

And apparently so is Sammie.

You didn't get these

allergies from me.

I can't breathe back here.

I think my throat's closing up.

[Sammie clears throat]

Sammie, you're fine.

It's just Grandma's perfume.

I wish you would have

chosen a different name for me.

Makes me sound so old.

Mama, I'm hungry.

I think I have

some Goldfish in here.

Can you check?

I can't look and drive.

Goldfish!

Goldfish!

Yeah, hold your horses.

How do you find

anything in here?

Oy, vey.

[phone dings, vibrates]

Oh, your phone is

ringing off the hook.

It's a text message from Bobby.

It says, "The second

test confirmed it, sis."

What is this nonsense?

It's true then.

Someone open a window.

I'm literally dying and you have

these stupid-a*s child locks on.

I got it.

And watch your mouth

around your grandmother.

Again with the grandmother?

Goldfish?

Ah, here you go, darling.

Thanks, Granny.

I have something to tell you,

but now is not the right time.

What?

I said now's not the right time.

Whatever you need

to say, just say it.

I'm fine with anything, really.

Just... rip off the band-aid.

Your father

couldn't have children.

Eyes on the road.

Well, we weren't

sure if he could or not,

so I went to a doctor

and got him to help me out.

How did a doctor help you out?

- What kind of doctor?

- Wait, what happened?

Told you this

wasn't the right time.

sh*t, Mom, f*ck!

What did I miss?

sh*t, Mom, f*ck!

You didn't miss

anything, my angel.

Go back to your

Facebook thing.

Ew, what am I, 60?

sh*t, Mom, f*ck!

I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, my God.

Those f*cking windows!

f*cking windows!

I told you this

wasn't the right time,

but since you're

pushing it, we mixed

your father's (low) sperm

with someone else's,

and then we went home

and had relations,

like we were

told, and that's that.

Wait, wait.

Whose other sperm?

Squirm.

Sammie told me about squirm.

You're welcome.

I don't know.

You think I'm crazy?

I didn't ask.

I trusted my doctor.

And what about Sara?

You are both your

father's daughters.

Is Sara even my sister?

Aunt Sara's not my aunt?

Aunt Sara is your aunt,

she is your sister,

she is my daughter,

and your father

is both your fathers.

- Grandma's in big trouble.

LENORE: Oy gevalt.

I don't want any

more aggravation.

Can't take it.

I'm not feeling very well.

[music]

TV ANNOUNCER: Pulling

up from half court!

No way! That's insane!

Hey, the Lakers

are up by five.

Your mom and

the girls are upstairs.

Was there a lot of traffic?

Oh, no.

What happened?

MARCUS: Amanda, what's going on?

Mommy's made

for my yucky squirm.

[TV indistinct]

I just can't believe it.

I don't understand her.

She lied to me my whole life.

Technically,

I don't know she lied.

I mean, how could

she not tell me?

Look, both your

parents loved you so much.

This is not about love.

- It's not?

- No, f*ck love.

This is about truth.

She betrayed me.

How could I ever

trust her again?

And right before the

bat mitzvah, you know what?

I should just cancel

the whole thing.

Look at me.

Open your mouth.

It was an emergency.

Flower essences.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna get you some pancit.

And just know that

however you got here,

the girls and I

are so grateful for it.

And, hey, look.

You may wake up tomorrow

and feel better about all of it.

[music]

LENORE: No, wait,

that's not right.

Okay, say it to me

very slowly again.

Barchu, et, adonai, h*m*...

Barchu, et, adonai... What?

I don't remember these things.

Barchu et adonai h*m*...

You're not old enough

to say that prayer.

Rude.

Well, your Grandfather Jacob,

alav ha-shalom,

he knew all the prayers.

He kept Shabbas

like your mother.

He would sing

(sings) Avenu Makenu

all over the house.

- [laughs]

Come on, girls.

We gotta go.

I'm so happy

you're here, Grandma.

LENORE: Oh, so am I,

Shayna Maidela.

But let's find a better

name for me, okay?

SAMMIE: Okay.

[school bell rings]

So you're going to

your yoga class today?

- Seriously?

- What?

I was wondering if you

were seeing Lawrence.

Lawrence from yoga.

He loves me.

You think I can

do yoga right now?

Can't you see how

incredibly stressed I am?

Oy, daf minisht, okay?

Our family, we never fit

into our conservative

Long Island neighborhood.

We were all about

love and peace and truth.

I mean, you breastfed

at a time where no one else

had the ba*ls to.

Not you.

You're amazing.

[chuckles] Why are you being

such a martyr, Lenore,

they'd say,

I didn't mind.

I loved it.

Remember the Weinbergs?

Remember Daddy sat

them down and told them

they needed to tell

their kids they were adopted,

that--that one day

they were going to find out

that they can't

keep secrets from them?

- It's not the same thing.

- How is it not the same thing?

Because the

Weinbergs were schmucks.

Oh my God, this is not

about the Weinbergs.

My point is, you guys

always made such a big deal

about how truthful we were

as a family when

you blatantly lied.

We didn't lie.

We just didn't think

it was necessary

to tell you every detail

of your conception.

Which most parents

don't, by the way.

And also, I forgot.

- You forgot?

- It wasn't important to me.

Oh, it wasn't

important to you.

No, what was

important to me was giving

your father the family

he always wanted.

We dreamed about a big family,

you know, a lot of tumult.

Your father loved you girls

more than anything in the world.

Isn't that what's important?

God, I had no idea what the

hell you were talking about DNA.

I thought I was going to have a

heart attack when you called me.

What you put me

through is a shonda.

What I put you through?

Do you have any idea

what I'm going through?

I don't even know who I am

anymore, what I am anymore.

I'm not even all Jewish.

The only thing

I ever knew that I was.

You're making a mountain

out of a molehill, Rachel.

I am made of

a complete stranger.

Sara is going to

lose her mind over this.

Don't you tell her about this.

It'll ruin her life.

It'll ruin her life?

But for me, it's

a freaking molehill.

You can handle it.

You're a shtarker.

Me?

I'm running on fumes.

I can't even speak at my

own daughter's bat mitzvah.

The only time I ever

feel somewhat sane

is when I'm

acting and not me.

I don't even remember what my

real last name is at this point.

[music]

Rachel.

How serendipitous.

Hey, Lawrence.

Sat nam.

Sat nam, my dear.

I was worried about you.

You weren't in class.

Gerry mentioned a

possible midlife crisis.

[laughs] What?

Don't you have

to be like 40 to...

I'm fine. Really.

Um, I am so happy

to be in midlife.

I just have so much

going on, you know,

with the bat mitzvah

and some other things, so...

Well, whatever it is.

Just know "this too shall pass."

[music]

Thank you.

And stay away from

the green cleansing juice.

It's from hell.

[music]

[indistinct chatter]

Sara, you are not

going to believe this.

Yeah, I have

nothing to say to you.

Wait, what?

Your f*cking DNA test.

It ruined... my life.

How could you do this to me?

Why would you make me do this?

I didn't make you do anything.

You're the one who suggested it.

Do the words "mystical

quest" come to mind?

Yeah, I have no idea

why you're here, half-sister.

Oh, my God. What?

- Oh, my God.

- What?

Yep. Yeah, I have

some other father,

some random guy,

User Number 63

or whatever the f*ck,

and my whole family is a lie.

Wait a second.

I thought you

didn't believe in DNA.

Well, I don't.

Okay, but somehow

this all makes sense.

What does?

My daddy didn't love me.

Sara, that is so not true.

He never liked my music.

Your music was about

feminine bodily fluids.

And he hated the

fact that I was g*y.

Sara, are you kidding me?

He introduced you

to your first girlfriend.

Do you remember that

redhead with the braces?

Well, I feel abandoned, okay?

I feel like the

poor pit bull at the shelter,

you know, the sweet dog

in the back,

covered in his own poop,

waiting for home.

But no, people are too busy

buying dogs from breeders.

Adopt, don't shop.

She's right.

I love her.

I don't even have a dog.

I have allergies.

And I have no allergies.

I can even eat...

gluten.

[gasps]

We're not real sisters.

Sara, I never meant

for any of this to happen.

Well, the damage

is already done

and you can cancel

the vegan meal.

I will not be attending

the bat mitzvah

because I'm not a

part of your DNA family.

- Wait, Sara.

- I'm out.

I work here.

You should go.

[music]

I'm sorry, Rachel.

She wants you.

Of course she does.

Hey.

You know I love you, right?

[music]

Can you tell me another

story about Grandpa Jacob?

Oh, no, love.

It's getting late.

Do you think he

would have liked me?

Oh, my goodness.

He would have loved you so much.

I mean, I almost

think that the amount

of love he would

have felt for you

would have

exploded the universe.

So it's almost like he couldn't

be here to save mankind.

Humankind.

Isn't "mankind" sexist?

[chuckles] I guess so.

Hold my hand

until I fall asleep?

Hold my hand

until I fall asleep?

Of course.

[music]

Of course.

[typing on laptop]

Is she fully asleep or will she

be back here in two minutes?

She's asleep.

Are you okay?

No.

[voice breaking]

I'm not okay.

I feel like I just

lost my father.

Again.

When he died, 20 years ago, it

was the worst time in my life.

And it's taken me so

many years to finally

believe that he lives on in

me and our girls and our blood.

But no, that's gone.

Everything I thought

was in me from him is gone.

And what's worse, it

was never really there.

[cries, sniffles]

I'm so sorry, Rach.

I just want to

mourn, but I can't.

Because the bat

mitzvah is coming up.

And the family's falling

apart because of me.

Because of what I did.

And every five

minutes, I'm getting

another ding telling

me I have new relatives.

Well, first thing you need to do

is turn off your notifications.

Oh, Marcus.

No, you don't understand.

If my father is not my father,

then who the heck am I?

What's in my DNA?

Maybe...

if I find my

biological father...

Everything will

somehow make sense.

Why I'm so screwed up.

Why I have so much anxiety.

Maybe if I could just talk to

him, I'll somehow make sense.

Marcus, I need to find him.

[music]

[dings]

Whoa.

I remember your

mother's bat mitzvah

like it was yesterday.

We had the whole ganze

meshpuchah there, remember?

Most of them are dead now.

- Well, that's so sad.

- No, it's fine.

Oh, did you tell the

florist about the tulips?

We're going to have tulips

everywhere for Grandpa Jacob.

And what about my dress?

We haven't gotten it yet.

We're running out of time, Mom.

Calm down.

It's at the tailor's.

So we've gotten it, but we

haven't actually gotten it yet.

And, Marcus, I haven't

heard anything from your family.

I want my dress

to be like Sammie's.

I don't like my dress.

If you get a dress

like mine, I'll k*ll you.

Sammie, watch your mouth.

And I don't know what's

going on with my family.

I'll reach out to them.

Again.

Dad, you need

to wear your barong.

Maybe that would

make your aunts happy.

Why are your aunts upset now?

They're not upset.

They've just never

been to a bar mitzvah.

ALL:Bat--

LENORE: Mitzvah.

Bat, bat, bat...

Whatever.

They're just awkward

around the Judaism stuff.

I've got to make them feel

like they're a part of all this.

Well, you should

definitely wear your barong.

I'll wear one, too, if

that will make them happy.

That's cultural

appropriation, Mom.

Holy shitballs.

You all need to

understand that what

I'm in the midst of

planning will induce migraines,

insomnia, and the unavoidable

panic attack, not

to mention my whole world

and concept of family

was shattered as of recently.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

Okay, let's get

ready for school, girls.

- Hell no.

- No way.

Two yentes.

It's all right.

I'm not in the mood

to fight right now.

And you'll take a valium

before the bat mitzvah.

Your father always

kept some on hand for me.

Since when?

What, you think your

mother was a woman of steel?

Big events always

gave me shpilkes.

They did?

I always thought

you loved all of that.

I don't know. I didn't

air my grievances

to the world like

some people do.

Aunt Sara swears

by her CBD gummies.

[clears throat] Anyway,

I was thinking about Lola.

I told you he was cheating.

No, Lenore, it's "Grandma"

in the Philippines.

That's what we'd have called

my mom if she was still alive.

Oh, may she rest in peace.

A fantastic woman.

I am now "Lola."

Your mother

thought I was cheating.

Don't listen to her.

[phone dings]

All right, girls,

go get ready for school.

Excitement's over.

And the drama's back on.

I have a Muslim half-brother.

Amir Al-Wazir, you were saying?

You should invite

Amir to the bar mitzvah.

Yes, Rabbi Josephine

would love that.

I could have the

whole Arab-Israeli

conflict play out

during the service.

That should be calming.

So, look, Ma, I know

what you're gonna say,

but I've hired a private

detective to find my father.

A biological father.

Are you kidding me?

You have to stop

harping on this.

You're becoming a real

meshuggenah, you know that?

I'm crazy to want to know

the truth of my existence.

Are you putting this

self-help crap in her head?

How am I brought into all this?

I'm meeting with him

first thing this morning.

Isn't this first thing?

Well, I'm going with you.

No way.

He has to hear

my side of the case.

Listen, I've seen every

episode of "m*rder, She Wrote."

- I know what to do.

- Mom...

Angela Lansbury was

your father's favorite actress.

I'm coming.

Absolutely not.

No.

[music]

[Lenore clicks tongue]

Oh, the places you take me.

I didn't ask you to come.

Oh, what, I'm gonna

let my daughter go downtown

all alone to

get herself m*rder*d?

- I am a grown woman--

- Mrs. Torres!

Holy sh*t.

Please, come in.

Really?

I was a Dodger fan when

the Dodgers were in Brooklyn.

[laughs] Girl after

my own heart.

So, how can I help you ladies?

Well, my daughter

is looking for her father.

Although, if you ask

me, I don't know why.

Her father,

my late husband,

may he rest in peace,

was a great father.

He sang to her.

He read to her.

He washed her tuchus.

He was a great father

in every sense of the word

but what's a mother

to do at this point?

Do you have children?

Well, it's actually

my biological

father I'm trying to find.

I found out quite recently that

my father is not my real father.

I was absolutely blindsided.

Oh, were you?

Re-Really?

And what should

I say about that?

Well, you can begin by saying

I'm sorry I ruined your life.

I have nothing to apologize for.

I did what I thought was right.

Oh, yeah?

And what about us?

Okay. Time out.

[nervous laugh] Neutral corners.

Do you have any information

on the donor at all?

LENORE: Yes.

RACHEL: No.

We know that he

was a medical student

at the hospital where

my doctor worked. What?

This is how my brain works.

It's all coming back to me now.

Great, um, anything else

suddenly coming to mind?

No. That's it.

Well, I am confident

that I can help you.

As you know, I am Gerry's go-to

expert on her ancestry show.

And I work with a Dr. Feinstein

in uncovering paternity cases.

Wh--Michael Feinstein?

- He's my OB.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Database upon

database of donors.

A leader in infertility.

Of course.

He helped me when I had

trouble conceiving my girls.

A perfect opportunity,

I may add, for a mother

to tell her daughter

about her own conception woes.

Right. Uh, well,

you know what?

Let's start at the beginning.

Tell me everything

and leave no stone unturned.

[music]

Well, it all began in Brooklyn.

I was in art school.

My husband-to-be

was in dental school.

It was love at first sight.

Well, that went well.

I thought he was very nice.

You didn't let him say one word.

The only thing

I got from all of that

is I need to see

Dr. Feinstein like stat.

And, no, I don't

need a chaperone.

Oh, please.

You think I want

to drive to the velterine

with you in mitten drinnen?

Yes, Mama.

Yes, I do.

Vey schmeer, I've

shrunk two inches.

I used to be your height.

This is what happens

when you get to be my age.

Do I have any good genes?

Like, at all?

Rachel, are you all right?

Oh, Lenore, what

a wonderful surprise.

- Yeah.

- Sorry, Doctor.

I said that my ovary

burst, but it didn't.

My ovaries are fine,

as far as ovaries go.

But I did this DNA test,

and, gosh, I wanted to ask you.

It's so complicated.

If by any chance that...

I used a sperm donor

to conceive my daughters.

New York, a medical

student, late 70s.

- I need to find him.

- Hm.

I did my residency

around that time in Brooklyn.

Oh, my doctor was in Brooklyn.

- Dr. Siegel?

- Morris?

- Yes.

- Morris Siegel.

He's a legend.

He practically invented

artificial insemination.

I worked very closely with him.

In fact, he asked

me to donate a few ti...

- What?

- I only did it one time.

I needed the money.

- What?

- Medical books are expensive.

Dr. Feinstein, are

you Rachel's father?

- Ahh.

LENORE: Oh, wait.

You're Jewish, right?

Can you get any more

Jewish than Feinstein?

Oh, Goldenberg.

Yeah, well, that's...

My donor was

specifically not Jewish.

Northern European,

to be precise.

English, Irish,

French, or German.

Nope, not me.

Whew.

Although, you

do look a little Irish.

I was kind of hoping

you'd say French.

Nope, don't see

any French at all.

You damn sure don't look Jewish.

So I've been told.

But anyway, I hear that you

have databases of donors?

I sure do.

You know, I could

run a search for you.

I'd be like trying

to find a needle

in a haystack, but I could try.

Okay, thank you.

Okay. Wow.

You know, this makes

me want to do a DNA

search of my own,

see if there are any other

little Feinsteins

running around the Earth.

Yeah, I wouldn't suggest it.

It's been known to wreck lives.

Huh.

Oh, uh, Sandra at

the front desk said

there's some trouble with your

medical insurance going through.

You just might want to

consider going on Marcus's.

[music]

It's good to see

you back, Rachel.

Sat nam.

Sat nam.

You told him I was

having a midlife crisis?

What?

Was I wrong?

Maybe. Oh, did I tell you?

Your trusty private eye took my

money and ran off somewhere?

Damn. He's always been

one of my best guests.

Oh, and Dr. Feinstein?

He's been of no use

with all of his databases.

But now, because

of me, he took the DNA test

and found out he has a

son who's a white nationalist.

- Jesus.

- Yeah.

God, my head is spinning.

Like, literally spinning.

I think I have vertigo.

I have to put my

head down somewhere.

Oh, gosh.

Well, before

we call the ambulance,

I think I have just

what the doctor ordered.

Remember that m*rder

show I wanted for my slate?

[music]

I don't know how Gerry

convinces me to do these things.

At the worst possible time.

Don't worry.

I'm here.

Your mom's here to

help or make things worse.

I'm not sure which.

Well, please make

sure that Sammie

practices her Torah portion

and memorizes the prayers.

And don't let my mother

give Amanda too much sugar.

She'll be up all night.

She also needs

a bath and make sure

she brushes her

teeth and flosses.

She never flosses.

And the dentist

always gets so mad at me.

Okay, okay, okay.

I got it.

I'm sorry. I just...

I miss the girls so much.

You've been gone

for less than two hours.

You ever think that's why

you're not working so much?

Maybe your priorities

have shifted a little bit?

Let me be Daddy, okay?

And, uh, you go

be actress person.

It's in your DNA.

Tell Mom to work on her speech.

[groans]

I love her.

And you so much.

[phone rings] Oh.

Oh, it... it-it's Bobby.

Let me take this, okay?

I love you.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, bro.

Oh, you don't...

You don't look very good.

m*rder victim, what's up?

Well, oh, I...

I have really big news.

I found bio dad.

What?

His actual son just

joined RapidDNA.

And he said that

his dad was a med student

in New York in the 70s.

And he knew his

dad donated sperm.

He was looking to see

if he had any siblings.

That is amazing.

Bio dad's name is

Dr. William James Morgan.

Born Plymouth, England.

He's British?

We're British?

He's got a lot of children.

Multiple marriages.

You can see them all.

We're the United States

of Benetton over here.

Hey, Rachel.

Five-minute warning.

Oh, I gotta get strangled now.

Okay. Oh, but also,

I'm coming to L.A. tonight.

Bio dad's son lives there.

He wants to meet up

and tell me everything.

So I booked a tattoo.

Why?

Yeah, he's kind

of a tattoo artist.

And I don't know

what I was thinking.

I got caught up in the moment.

But do you think

you can come with me?

I'll pick you up first thing.

Okay. And when

is that exactly?

I have no idea.

Um, 9 a.m.?

Just text me your hotel info.

Okay.

Remember when I did

that movie in the U.K.?

I felt like I suddenly fit in.

Like, these are my people.

Can we move there?

I hate L.A.

I mean, maybe it'll be

like that with bio dad.

Like an instant connection.

Maybe he has your curls.

No, I get those from my mom.

She straightens her hair.

Maybe your blue eyes?

No, I think I get

those from her mother,

although I've never

actually met her.

What about Grandpa Jacob?

What are you doing up?

- Lola's snoring.

- Oh.

Yeah, Mom, what

about Grandpa Jacob?

What about him?

Are you gonna, like,

love Grandpa Jacob

less when you

meet the squirm guy?

What?

No way.

Go back to bed.

I love you.

I think Grandma's

secretly worried about that.

Nothing could ever

take away my love

or connection

to Grandpa Jacob.

Then why do you care so

much about meeting the new dude?

I honestly don't know.

But I'm hoping it'll

make me a better person.

A better mom.

You're the best mom already.

And you know, if

this is about the whole

speech, I'm sure Grandma

would be happy to speak for you.

No, don't even joke about that.

Sammie, you

know I want to, right?

[music]

- But...

- But?

[Sammie sighs]

[music]

[engine stops]

Oh, please, don't

start with this mishegas.

This meeting is

pretty monumental.

Stop it.

The two of you were

just some sperm

from the same man in a cup.

Makes me sick to

even think about it.

Semen. Yech.

LENORE: Jesus. Is this him?

RACHEL: Yep.

Hellooo.

RACHEL: Hi.

You must be the

son I never wanted.

Be nice.

I'm kidding.

Hop in.

[music]

[starts engine]

So, do you have a girlfriend?

Or a boyfriend?

My daughter Sara is a l*sbian.

I love the gays.

Your sister's not answering

my calls for some reason.

I'm not g*y, but I don't

have a girlfriend.

Hopefully one day.

Well, every pot

has its cover. [chuckles]

Rachel's father, my late

husband, may he rest in peace,

he was the love of my life.

Still is.

Not a day goes

by I don't miss him.

Did she tell you

she was an actress?

Maybe once or twice.

I could never do what she does.

Me? I'm-I'm shy.

I'm not sure I can

agree with that description.

Well, put a camera

in front of me

I'm like Jackie Gleason.

Hommina, hommina.

But you, you're in

front of a camera.

You light up.

That's why I turned down that

teaching job at the university.

You do what you have to do.

Hey, what teaching job?

I don't dwell on the past.

You only dwell on the past.

Listen, I loved going

into the city with you.

The ups, the downs.

I'll never regret it.

Not for a minute.

You and I, we were a great team.

[music]

Hi, excuse me,

is this...

- Rachel?

- Yeah?

Hi, baby sister.

[laughs]

- Oh, oh.

- Ahh.

And brother.

[Bobby laughs]

I'm not gonna pick

you up, but I'll take a hug.

Hello, I'm Lenore,

also known as Lola.

I have no idea what I am to you,

but this place is fantastic.

I want to see inside.

Show me around, won't you?

Thank you.

Oh, my.

Oh, look at this.

This is Quiet Jimmy.

Don't make eye contact.

[door closes]

And this is my sister,

our sister, Denise.

- Denise.

- Oh.

- Oh.

- It's Rachel and Bobby.

DENISE: Sorry.

Playing a word game

in a very heated match.

I love word games.

You can thank

our dad for that.

He was a man of many words.

He used to tell us

a lot of bedtime stories.

Last one he told us, I was six.

Javi was too young to remember

him, but that's when he left us.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, he loved the ladies.

He loved the bottle even more.

Javi will tell you more.

I gotta get to class.

I'm getting my

master's in nursing.

Mi hermano.

You ready to do this?

I am not ready to do this.

Oh, tateleh.

You'll be fine.

If I can do natural

childbirth with two children,

you can handle

one stinkin' needle.

[buzzing]

You did all these?

Oh, amazing.

I'm an artist, too.

We have to keep at it, don't we?

I'll tell you what...

If you lived in Long Island,

I would ask

you to join my art class.

Eleanor and the

girls would love you.

QUIET JIMMY: Hmm.

Sweetheart, what do you think?

Let's get a couple of tattoos.

Matching hearts?

What? No.

Look what I have

to deal with here.

What about us not being

buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Oh, I think they've

changed those rules.

Everybody's getting

tattoos nowadays.

My dad's Jewish.

What?

Yeah, he converted

for his third wife.

You don't look Jewish.

You look Irish.

Does this make me Jewish?

No.

So, does he live here?

In Los Angeles?

Well, he used to live here.

What do you mean?

Where is he now?

There's something

I gotta show you guys.

But we gotta drive there.

[music]

Denise read

about it in the paper.

He died three weeks ago.

We just missed him.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

That's why I wanted

you to see it in person.

If you ask me,

it seems meant to be.

[sighs] I know meeting

him meant a lot to you both,

but to be honest,

he wasn't a good guy.

When he left my

mom, he told his new

wife that Denise

and I were dead.

I don't remember

ever being with him.

He cared more about

his new life and his

successful career

than being a father to us.

But the one thing he

did teach me was that...

just because you're related

doesn't make you family.

Denise and I created our own.

[music]

Whoa, that's so cool.

Yeah, it was no biggie.

- I want a tattoo.

- I'll give you one.

- Where are the Sharpies?

Come on.

Oh, Bobby, you should

stay for the bat mitzvah.

Rachel, you'll

put him at my table.

Also, I've invited

Javi and Denise.

Wonderful people.

Have you heard from your sister?

She's not returning my calls.

No, you were right.

I ruined her life

just like I ruined mine.

You didn't ruin anything.

I wish everybody

would stop making

such a big deal out of this.

If you ask me, the

whole thing's kind of cool.

But you didn't ask me,

so... I'll... just...

Rachel, you really

just have to let this go.

I can't.

I can't just let this go.

I don't think it's

cool, and I don't need

more family, and I don't care

if I have an elevated

risk of celiac disease.

We don't, by the way.

I just...

I want things to go

back to the way things were,

when I had one father--

a wonderful man

who I loved and

loved me and lived on

in the girls, but no,

I have this other guy

who I don't even

know but may have

given me some knowledge

of who I am, and he's dead!

I just lost my

one chance of fixing

all that's broken in me, and

now I have absolutely nothing!

You have nothing?

What about your mother?

[music]

Rachel?

[voice breaking]

What about me?

Well...

then I don't know

what I'm doing here.

I'm leaving.

[Lenore grunts]

Mom!

[Lenore groans]

Mom!

Call 9-1-1!

SAMMIE: Grandma!

AMANDA: Lola!

[music]

It's okay...

[music]

[scribbling]

Thank you so much.

[music]

She's gonna be okay.

Oh, thank God.

Look, they're gonna

have to keep her here

a few days because

she's very weak,

but she's gonna be fine.

Oh, God, I was so stupid.

I shouldn't have yelled at her.

I pushed this thing way too far.

I mean, gosh,

she kept telling me

about the cardiologist

who was handsome

and thought she was

young, but, you know,

she kept saying

it, but I thought

she was just being Lenore.

I didn't think that there was

anything serious with her heart.

Wait, wait, wait.

This wasn't her heart.

- What?

- No.

She had a severe anaphylactic

reaction to the ink.

What ink?

You got a tattoo?

Are you kidding me right now?

Oh, stop it.

It's fine.

It's not fine, Mom.

You almost died.

Do you have any idea

what you put us through?

Maidela, come here.

Shayna.

Give me your hanteleh.

- Sweetheart.

- Mom, I am...

I know you don't

have to say anything.

I know.

I am so sorry.

Me too, shayna maidela.

Me too.

It's okay.

[music]

Ow, Sammie!

I have nerve endings.

A wise woman

once told me...

BOTH: It hurts to be beautiful.

That's not very

empowering, Mama.

And you wonder

why I have problems.

You don't need to pass

everything of yours to us.

Well, speaking of

passing things down...

Grandpa Jacob gave this

to me on my bat mitzvah day.

And now I want you to have it.

[music]

You're going to

be amazing today.

So will you, Mama.

- Let's go.

- Yeah.

Ohhh, I have the most

handsome husband.

I have the most beautiful wife.

Ohh, look how beautiful.

All of you.

Oh, my son, the doctor.

Now, if only you were Jewish.

Oh, what did I say?

Your sister's going

to be here any minute.

Okay.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Depends how you define "okay."

Did you take

the flower essences?

Yes.

Although we both

know it's horseshit.

All right, come on.

We got to go.

We're going to be late.

We're literally walking outside.

[indistinct chatter]

RACHEL: Because of Mom's

illness, we had to put

the bat mitzvah off

until she was better.

We lost the reception hall,

the florist, the caterer,

even the synagogue.

But we came

together as a family,

both new and old,

to create our own thing,

which may have been better.

But there was still one

task yet to be completed...

The speech.

I'm performing

one of my originals.

Uh-huh.

Not the one about

your vag*na, I hope?

We call it a yoni, Ma.

Yoni? Isn't that that

New Age music guy?

Lenore?

Lawrence.

Lawrence from yoga.

You remembered.

Well, how would I forget?

These are for you.

Well, thank you.

How is your sciatica?

Have you been doing the

hip openers I suggested?

Holy sh*t, your root chakra, Ma.

Say yes. Say yes.

Yes, Lawrence.

Your hip openers have

definitely opened my hips.

And you can call me...

Lola.

Hello, Lola.

[laughs]

You're never gonna believe this.

Oh, no, what now?

SARA: Look.

Isn't this amazing?

See, this is why you

have to go with the flow.

I mean, Mom and Dad totally went

against the flow to have us.

It's all about

the energy of love.

You know?

MAN: Sara!

- Hey!

- Hey!

- That's my bio dad!

Isn't he iconic?

No wonder he went by

User Number 6B or whatever.

He's one of the world's

most famous guitarists.

Checks out, right?

We have the best f*cking family!

[laughter]

[music playing]

- Hello.

- Amir Al Wazir.

I'm Rachel's brother.

Oh, okay.

Come on in. Welcome.

Hi. Good afternoon.

Welcome.

JAVI: Tita Christina.

Heard so much about you.

[indistinct chatter]

This seat's open.

So I hear you have

a tattoo somewhere.

There you are.

- You okay?

- Mm-hm.

If you could all

please take your seats.

We're ready to begin.

[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]

[music]

[Sammie chanting in Hebrew]

We have asked

Tita Angela and Tita Christina

to join us for

the blessing of family.

And now, it is time for

the bat mitzvah girl

to give her speech.

Sammie.

Today, I am a woman.

[chuckling]

Private joke with my

mom, but seriously, I wanted

to thank you all for

coming and for changing

all your travel

plans last minute.

It means so much to me.

But there are a few people who

I would like to thank the most.

Amanda, even though

we fight constantly,

you know I love

you and you're the best

sister in the

whole wide world.

Just please try not

to be so annoying.

[laughter]

Dad, thank you for

being the best dad ever

and for teaching me

about our Filipino culture.

And for making me the

proud Lakers fan I am today.

[laughs] Mamba forever.

Mom, today wouldn't

have happened without you.

You've encouraged

me to become a strong

Jewish woman and

I'm so grateful for you.

You always know

what's best for me

and what'll make me happy even

though I don't want to admit it.

I just want to say, I love you.

No matter what.

RABBI: Thank you, Sammie.

And now, I would like to

invite Rachel to the bimah

to give her

blessing to Sammie.

[music]

Sammie, I...

[clears throat]

S...

[heartbeats]

(whispering)

Sammie, I...

[panting]

[whimpering]

[music]

LENORE: Breathe.

Hello.

Hi.

[music]

[clears throat]

[laughs softly]

Sammie...

You asked me to make a

speech for you today, but I...

I didn't think I could.

I didn't think I'd be able

to find the right words...

...until now.

I guess sometimes

the thing you've been

looking for has

been with you all along.

Sammie, today you are a woman.

And in becoming a woman,

you have to know

where you came from.

And what you come from,

Sammie, is pure love.

You come from my

father, Grandpa Jacob,

who loved his family

more than anything.

You come from me.

And your amazing dad...

who try every day to be the

best parents for you and Amanda.

And you come from your grandma.

I... I mean Lola.

Lenore.

She made sacrifices for

me that I never realized.

And has been by my

side every step of the way.

I wouldn't be me without her.

And she taught me what love is.

Love doesn't care about DNA.

Love makes its own family.

Love accepts

us for who we are.

For what we are.

With all our mishigas.

No matter how badly we messed

up or were just plain wrong.

[music]

Sammie, when you have

love, you have everything.

And I love you so much.

And with that,

I hope you will join me

in wishing Sammie a

lifetime of love and happiness.

L'chaim!

ALL: L'chaim!

[music]

You'll see.

[laughing]

I hope those tattoos

are fake. I...

[music playing]

I'll be right back.

[music]

Hey, bro.

Hey.

Wow.

This is an awesome party.

Yeah, well, the

party just started.

Don't give it a kinehora.

[Rachel laughs]

I just want you to know

that I'm happy you're here.

Me too.

[clears throat]

Um, I know this

might sound kind of weird,

but if all

this hadn't happened,

I never would

have met you guys.

So I'm kind of happy it did.

[Rachel laughs]

You know you're

stuck with us now, right?

Even if it's just DNA.

["Hava Nagila" playing]

And this is the best part.

Come.

[cheers]

I love you, Mamala.

I love you more!

[Rachel screams]

[music]

SARA ON MIC: All right, y'all.

[taps microphone]

Ladies and gentlemen

and those in between,

I would like you to direct

your attention

and energy to Sammie.

As she enters this new

paradigm of womanhood.

Today, we honor

the Divine Mother.

We honor the vulva.

- [laughter]

- We honor the womb.

We honor the yoni.

Head up.

That's my bio dad.

My yoni, you bleed

My yoni, you ache

My yoni, you give life

Creator of the world

When I was born

You pushed me out

Into this world

How can you be so mean?

But then I saw

She gets this

from her mother.

You've been with me

Through everything

You're inside of me

And when the night is cold

And when I feel alone

I know that you are there

You are guiding me

My yoni, you bleed

My yoni, you ache

- Yes. Exactly.

My yoni, you give a life

Creator of the world

My yoni, you bleed

My yoni, you ache

My yoni, you give life

Creator of the world

My yoni, you bleed

My yoni, you ache

My yoni, you give life

The source of it all

[music]