01x08 - Get Out

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what'd you
wanna come here for?

- I've never been to this place.
- I come here sometimes.

- They give me free pizza.
- They do? Why?

I make believe I'm Ret*rded.
They give me a slice.

Watch.

Good day. Hello.

Are you my friend?

Oh, it's so nice
to see you.

- Here you go, pal.
- Thank you.

You are nice persons.

That's disgusting.

I know.
f*cking people.

Give a guy a free slice
just 'cause he's Ret*rded.

Elitist assholes.
Like a slice of pizza

is gonna make my miserable
Ret*rded life any better.

Makes me sick!

I can get a free slice
without going through all that.

Hey, give me a slice.

$1.50.

That's impressive.

Okay, guys, watch this.

Hi, can I have
a slice, please?

Thank you very much.

See, that's how normal people
get their pizza.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

This is great spaghetti, Tina.

Oh, thanks, poops.

Yeah, this would be great
even if I wasn't stoned.

The kids have been
watching TV for a while.

- Is it okay if we turn it off?
- Why?

So they can play together.

Nah.

Mom, where did you put
my f*cking flip-flops?

Check the living room, Shannon.

Why would they be in there?

Ugh.

What's going on with her?

She's moving in
with her boyfriend today.

How are you doing, Carl?

Good guy.

Wait. Tina, you're letting Shannon
move in with this guy?

Isn't she only 16?

Yeah, but didn't Shannon tell you?

She knows everything
and I'm a dumb old wh*re.

But it's okay.

She's got a great plan
for her future.

Shannon, tell Kim and Louie
what you're gonna do now.

Oh, I'm gonna make jewelry
and Carl's gonna rep me.

See, she's got it
all worked out.

f*ck you, Mom!

Well, there's something

I haven't heard
in 10 minutes.

Jesus, your first husband
must have been

sh**ting demon splooge
when you made her.

Tell me about it.

Mike, you want Shannon
going off with this guy?

Eh, Tina is raising that one.
She's doing a great job.

- Well, she could use a little help.
- Hmm.

Kim, look, Mike is a dominant male
and he's the stepfather

so any kid he didn't sire
is a threat to his loin fruit.

Actually, Mike's first instinct

is to k*ll Shannon
and then eat her.

Yeah, that's about right.

Tina can't do anything
'cause she needs Mike's protection

or other males
will urinate on her head.

So this is it.
I am never coming back.

Never! You're the worst
mother in the world.

- I hate you!
- Okay, then.

Bye-bye, Mike.

- Mwah!
- Ah.

Goodbye, darling.
Hey, here's a couple of bucks, huh?

Make me a necklace
or something.

Okay, Mike.

Ahem. Come on, baby.

Tina, are you okay?

- Yeah. I don't care.
- You seem to care.

- No, I'm just a little drunk.
- Eh,

come on.
She'll be back.

Tina, I really think

you should sit Shannon down
and have a talk.

Kimmie, she's a teenager.
She's not a person.

It's like telling a Kodiak bear
to stop f*cking older men.

She's just trying
to help.

Hey, when your Lucy
is a teenager,

you can try your crazy theories
out on her.

Yeah, that'll be
fun to watch.

Thanks a lot.

- Shannon?
- Hi, Kim. How are you?

Good, how are you doing?

Oh my God, great!

I am so glad
that I ran into you.

Will you please tell Lucy
that I say hi?

It has been, like, so long
since I babysat for you guys.

Yeah.

- Who's all that gin for?
- Oh, Carl.

He loves gin.

Your I.D. Says you're 16.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry,
wrong I.D. There you go.

So what is going on?

Nothing, uh...

so how is it going
at Carl's?

Oh my God, awesome.

We just sit around all day
and we watch TV,

and his mom is really nice.

Are you on the pill?

- What? No.
- You need to be on the pill.

Carl says
it will make me fat.

These are on me.

Wow. Thanks, Kim.

Yeah, just put
those things on his thing

when you do the thing.

Okay.

Okay, Lucy is down.
What's that?

My high-school yearbook.

Why'd you get that out?

I don't know.

Today I saw Shannon
at the liquor store buying generic gin

for her skeevy
old boyfriend,

and it brought
back memories.

Yeah, but you...
you weren't like Shannon.

She's, you know, f*cked up.

So was I.
Look at this.

Oh my God,
is that you?

I know. Can you believe
I thought it was cool

to wear a bowler hat?

Jesus, you were hot!

f*ck!

Okay, do you know
how gross you are?

You're looking at a picture of a
high-school junior and getting a b*ner.

Yeah, but...

this is you.
I-I married her.

And with that hat on
you look like a dirty jazz wh*re.

Jeez, I wish I had
been around back then.

Well, I had
very low self-esteem,

- so I probably would have f*cked you.
- Oh, man.

Anyway, I just hate
to see Shannon

make the same mistakes
as me and Tina.

What mistakes? You were...
you were one of the bad chicks.

You got high and you cut class
and you f*cked older men.

It's... it's really
quite awesome.

Okay, I'm going to bed,
'cause you're gross.

Kim, Louie, hello?

Shannon, what is going on?

Carl kicked me out.

Okay, tell me
what happened.

We got in a fight and he said
he was going back to his wife.

- He's married?
- I'm sorry I came here so late.

- Kim, I just didn't know what to do.
- No, it's fine.

Let me just get
your mom on the phone.

Why would I want
to talk to her?

Louie, can you please
get Tina on the phone?

I'm gonna get you
some water.

- Hello?
- Hey, Tina, it's Louie.

Uh, sorry to call so late,
but Carl kicked Shannon out

- and she's here now.
- Oh, that's terrible.

- Yeah, so can you come pick her up?
- No.

What?!

I'm sorry she's bothering you guys,
but she knows the deal.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

Tina, come and get Shannon.

Look, I told her, "If you move out,
you don't come back."

Tina, you're being
really unreasonable.

Oh, phooey, this is just
a little tough love.

This is not tough love.
This is tough sh*t.

Now I think you're
splitting hairs, sweetie.

All right, Shannon,
you're gonna stay here tonight.

- I'll get you some blankets.
- Kim, that is so nice of you.

Yeah, that's real nice
of you, honey.

Where do you wanna put her?
There's no room.

She'll sleep on the floor
in the kitchen. Who cares?

- It's very crowded.
- So what?

Well, I need some alone time.

Oh, I see.

You want me to kick
a homeless girl out in the street

so you can masturbate
to my high-school yearbook picture.

Yes!

Hey, what time is it?

It's 6:15.

How long have
you been up?



Good, I'll get us some breakfast.

Good morning, Papa.
Good morning, Uncle Jerry.

Just get some food
and get out, okay, Jerry?

Good morning, Shannon!

Oh. Hi, Lucy.

Shannon, you can go
sleep in our bed if you want.

Aw, thanks, Kim. Thanks again
for letting me stay last night.

It's no problem.
You can stay here as long as you want.

Lucy, babe,
I'll see you later, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. Bye, Mama.

Bye. See you later, everybody.

Hey hey.

"Stay as long as
you want"?

Well, she's gotta stay here
until we figure something else out.

- For how long?
- Until she finds a place to live

that doesn't require her being
some guy's c*m bucket.

What's wrong with that?
You're my c*m bucket.

Yes, but that's not
the only thing I do,

I am also a nurse.

Excuse me.

- Hi.
- Hmm.

Oh, this is Kim here?
She looks cool.

- Yeah.
- Papa, I wanna go to the playground.

- After breakfast.
- No, I don't wanna eat breafkast.

Well, I don't wanna go
to the playground.

Hey, why don't
I take Lucy to the playground?

- Really?
- Yeah!

I wanna go with Shannon,
and no breafkast, and no Papa!

Hey, that hurts my feelings,
but okay.

- Yay!
- Okay, see you guys later.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay.

- See you.
- Come on, Lucy.

- Okay. Bye, Papa.
- Okay, bye. Bye bye bye bye bye.

- Jerry, you get out too.
- I don't wanna go to the playground.

You don't have to go
to the f*cking playground!

I-I-I don't want a playground.
You can't designate

play on a ground
like separate ground.

That's like dividing
and separating.

It's like you go play,
but you don't play...

play is everywhere!
The ground is everywhere!

That's like religion and dogma...
you play there,

you play over there!
I play here. I play wherever I want.

I'm playing, I'm playing,
I'm playing.

It's a heart ground.
What do they have,

like... like serious ground
and cry ground and playground

and stupid ground
and idiot ground?

I ain't playing on a playground...
that's forced play.

That's... that's force play!
That's a human construct

for people who are afraid to play
wherever they're supposed to play,

- wherever they want.
- Get the f*ck out of my house, Jerry.

Ha ha, you lose.

Hey, Lucy, dinner is almost ready.
So go wash your hands.

Okay.

Thanks for watching her
today, Shannon.

Oh, it was no problem.
We had fun.

Lucy is tough on babysitters.
She gets all bitchy with them.

They never wanna
come back.

But you did
a good job today.

Wow, you're really nice
to say that.

- Oh, yeah.
- You know, I think it's really amazing,

all the things that you do.
I mean, you take care of Lucy,

you run the household,
and you know what?

I've not seen you
have a drink all day.

Yeah.

I don't know, it just
makes me wanna do

something really nice
for you, you know?

Like blow you
or something.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hi, Kim.

- How was everybody's day?
- Oh, it was great.

- Lucy and I had lots of fun.
- Oh, that's so great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

It's...

- Mommy, we had fun today.
- Oh, baby, I heard.

- That's so nice.
- Hey, you know what?

How about you guys go
to a movie tomorrow night

- and I will stay and watch Lucy?
- All right! Thanks.

- Yay.
- Okay, let me change for dinner.

Mmm, smells good, Papa.

Hey, uh...

I don't want this to affect us
going to a movie tomorrow,

but Shannon just
offered to blow me.

What?! Oh, Christ.

Oh, that poor girl.
She's so confused.

Yeah, so we should get her
out of here, right?

Wrong. That's the last
thing she needs.

What do you wanna do?
She just said she wants to blow me.

Louie,

no one wants
to blow you, okay?

She offered because that's
the only way she knows

how to be nice to people.
If we kick her out now

she's gonna be
blowing people willy-nilly.

No no no no no.
What she needs

is a consistent home life
and a little direction, that's all.

I'm gonna talk to her about checking out
some classes at Clark Community.

No, listen, don't you get it?

I'm the dominant male here

and Shannon is
challenging you for my loin fruit.

What?

Nothing's gonna
happen, obviously.

But to make absolutely
sure that it doesn't

I think that
you should blow me.

So you're really telling me
that if I don't blow you,

you're gonna let
Shannon blow you?

No.

Then I believe
we're done here.

- That movie sucked.
- Yep.

I can't believe we had
a night off and we wasted it

- on that piece of sh*t.
- Yeah.

You gotta learn
to fall asleep in there.

I'm totally refreshed.

Here you go, Dylan.

Shannon, what is going on here?

Oh my God.
Okay, so Kim,

I went to that art class
you told me about, and it was awesome.

So this is
my professor, Bill.

He's been, like,
all over the world.

He just came back
from Toronto.

I hope you don't mind
our impromptu bacchanal.

Don't worry about it,
they're cool.

Actually, we're not cool at all.

Bravo.

Excuse me, Bill,

I'm not sure
if you're aware,

but Shannon in here
is 16 years old.

But I do know that the police
are about to be aware of it.

No need to call
the gendarmes.

Uh, I'll just be...

Oh my God, Kim,
what are you doing?!

Everybody else, you have
five seconds to get out of my house!

One, two...

Leave the beer, buddy.

- Kim!
- Louie, will you please

- take Lucy in her room?
- Yeah.

- Come on, sweetie, let's go.
- Wh...?

Whoa, hold up.
Come on, guys,

party's over in there.

Just go inside and get your P.J. S on.
I'll be in in a minute.

Kim, what is your problem?

You're supposed
to be babysitting Lucy.

What is all this sh*t?

My friends were
helping me watch her.

They were drinking
and having sex.

God, you are so judgmental!

Who do you think you are?!

Shannon, do not argue with me.

No, don't order me around, okay?

You just ruined things
between me and Bill

and then you were a total b*tch
to all my friends. This is bullshit!

- Shannon, stop it.
- f*ck you, Kim!

This is better
than the movie.

Yay, TV!

- Welcome home, sweetie.
- f*ck you!

Wow, she seems upset.

Didn't you sit her down
and have a talk?

She won't listen. She doesn't care
that her life is turning to sh*t.

I totally reached out to her
and she acted like a brat!

And she tried to blow me.

Teenagers, eh?

Anyway, now that she's learned
her lesson, we'll take her back.

No, Tina, she hasn't learned
any kind of lesson.

Please let's get Lucy
and we'll go home, okay?

You know what?
Can you please just give me a minute?

What the f*ck
do you want?!

Well, I'm glad you're home,
but I have the feeling

- you're not gonna stay.
- Yeah.

So what's
your f*cking point?

My f*cking point

is...

okay, I'm just
gonna say this

because I'm gonna
hate myself if I don't.

These old guys you're f*cking

are gonna keep trying to drag you
into their shitty lives.

And if you don't leave them
behind right now and get your own life,

you're gonna live to regret it.
I know, but it took me getting pregnant

and having an ab*rtion
to wake me up, okay?

And that's not fun. My life
was really f*cked up for a while.

But I worked my a*s off,

I got myself
into nursing school and then

when I finally had
my own sh*t together,

then I was ready to meet
a guy who wasn't a creep.

I ended up with Louie...

who has his problems,

but he cared enough
about me to work two jobs

so I could finish school.

Okay? Now you could
do what I did,

or you could skip the old creeps
and not get pregnant.

Okay, so your big advice
is to not get pregnant

and only f*ck younger guys?

- Close enough.
- Okay, fine. Got it!

Fine! Thank you!

- Is she finally down?
- Yeah.

How many books did it take?

One book,


Oh, man.

- Well, thanks.
- Yep.

What?

Aww...

you're a good guy.
I like you.

You're weird.

- I found it.
- Found what?

Oh my God.

You are
a dirty little jazz wh*re.