01x04 - Long Weekend

[bunniefuu]

Look at all these kids, huh?

They are the future, Lou.

I hope they enjoy being sl*ves

to a bunch of ch*nk robots.

So, when should we be
at your 4th of July party?

Around 6:00 or so.

We're going to have a barbecue
and then watch the fireworks.

You gonna roast a pig
again like last year?

- Of course.
- Yeah, good.

Save the ears
and the snout for me.

I'll do my pig dance
for the kids again.

Ech. 4th of July
is a g*dd*mn farce.

Yeah, all the fake patriotism
and all that.

You know it started with all those
Founding Father guys blowing each other.

- Wait. What?
- Everybody knows.

They were a bunch
of old queens with wigs on.

July 4th was the day
they'd all get together in Philadelphia

and suck each other off.

Well, I haven't read
as much history as you...

but if they were all q*eer,
why didn't they call

the country, eh...
Gayland or something?

They may as well have.

How g*y is
the name America?

"America! Ooh!"

Everything we know
about those guys is a cover-up.

George Washington's
wooden teeth?

Ben Franklin
knocked 'em out

so he could give
better hummers to John Adams

and all those
other founding f*gs.

I just like watching
the fireworks.

Well, fireworks are merely
an abstract expression

of those guys sh**ting their loads
all over each others' faces.

Well, I hope
they start on time this year.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

All right,
did we get everything?

Look at all that food.

You're probably going
to need some toilet paper.

That's $235.15.

- It didn't go through.
- What do you mean it didn't go through?

It says,
"Insufficient funds."

I don't get it.
I deposited my paycheck.

Well, maybe it didn't clear yet.

No, it did.
I checked the balance.

Oh, you know what?
I paid the rent.

You paid the rent?
Why'd you do that?

Because otherwise
we can't live there.

Okay, you know what?
I'm just gonna have to

- write you a check for this.
- We'll have to verify it.

Okay, forget that.

Okay, how do you want
to pay for this, ma'am?

You know what? I think
I must've left my money in the car.

You guys have a car?

Hey, we had fun picking it out though.
That was... that was great.

L... I'll put these back.

Okay, I'll... I'll call everybody
and cancel the party then.

- We're having the party.
- With what?

There's gotta be some money
around here someplace.

Hon, you're not gonna
find anything in there.

What are these?
Are these peep-show tokens?

No.

They have t*ts on them.

That's Canadian money.

Look, honey. We can still
have fun on the 4th of July.

We can go to the...
we can go to the river and take a walk,

watch the fireworks...
those are free.

We have to have our party.

We take the bus all year long,

we never eat out,
we share deodorant.

This is the one thing that
we do right all year long

and now we can't even have that,
so what does that make us?

- Well, we still got each other.
- f*ck that sh*t.

Hey, Walter,
what's up?

Oh, hey.

Got an extra smoke?

Oh, I'm sorry,
this is my last one.

That's all right.

- Oh, man, what a day.
- Yeah.

Did you have to work today?

- Yup.
- On a holiday? That sucks.



Man, they don't pay me
enough for this sh*t.

Yeah, I know, right?

You don't know.

What do you mean? We have trouble
paying our bills. I know how you feel.

- No, you don't.
- Why do you say that?

'Cause, man, you're white.
You'll be all right.

Well, wait a minute.
Just 'cause I'm white...

Come on, be honest.
It's great being white.

Just that by itself.
I bet it's good, isn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Sorry.

No, man, enjoy it.

If white people ain't having
a good time, then what's it all for?

- Hello, ladies.
- Hey, Nick.

Hey, we're fixing
the pipes tomorrow,

so you guys might want to give your
dirty asses a good scrubbing tonight.

- Yeah, thanks.
- By the way, where's the rent?

Oh, I'll pay you
on Tuesday, okay?

Yeah, you'll pay me Tuesday.

Long weekend, everybody thinks
they can wait to pay the rent.

sh*t.

I'm such an as*h*le.

My wife thinks we're broke
'cause I paid the rent,

but I didn't pay
the rent, I lied.

We're really broke

because of this.

Okay.

It's Frankenstein.

- Yeah, I gotta get going, man.
- No, listen.

I bought this
online for $300.

- No you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.

I buy monster stuff...
posters and dolls...

it's stupid, but now
with this f*cking internet,

it's just too easy.

This is an original
first edition Frankenstein,

I saw it on this website
and I thought,

"Oh f*ck,
I have to have that."

All I gotta do
is click the mouse

and three days later
it's in my hand.

It's mine.
And it's exactly

as f*cking cool as
I thought it would be.

You paid $300
for that doll?

Yup. And now Kim
can't have her picnic.

See, I don't even
know how to be white.

Well...

that's not white or black,
that's just f*cked up.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

You're home late.
Everything all right?

Yeah, I was just talking
to Louie in the courtyard.

Why do you
talk to him?

You know what he did?

He spent $300
on a Frankenstein doll.

Oh my goodness.

You men and your toys.

What? Don't throw me in with him,
I don't buy stuff like that.

What about
your samurai sword?

That is not a toy.
It is a cultural artifact

representing
a tradition of honor.

That sits on the top shelf
of the closet

- collecting dust.
- Okay. We already had this argument,

but if you want to have it again, fine.
Let's go, let's talk about it.

All right, let's talk about it.

When's the last time
you got into a sword fight?

I don't want
to talk about this.

Hey, excuse me,

do you guys
buy stuff here?

- Yeah, sometimes.
- Oh, well, um...

I want to sell this.

Not interested.

Well, this is
an original Frankenstein.

I don't care.
I don't like Frankenstein.

It's a collector's item.
It's worth $300.

You saw what he did
to that little girl, right?

- That was just a movie.
- And I was just an eight-year-old boy.

Get the monster
out of my store.

Man, I can't bring
this home to my wife,

she's gonna divorce me.
Just please...

can you... can you just
buy it to help me? Please.

I'll tell you what.
I hear what you're saying,

I understand
what you're going through.

This is what
I'm willing to do:

I'm not buying that.

Listen, guys.

I gotta make some money fast
before Kim finds out about that.

I got an idea.
Why don't you go on the internet

and sell monster dolls
to freckled ret*rds?

There's gotta be some way
to make some quick cash.

- No, there isn't.
- What about selling pot?

That's quick easy money.
Isn't that why you do it?

I oughta bite your d*ck off
and spit it in your face.

Oh, man,
what am I gonna do?

- Just tell her what happened.
- f*ck that.

Look, all I need is a couple of hundred
dollars so we can have the picnic,

then next week she'll get paid again,
we'll catch up and she'll never know.

So you're gonna lie?
Why do you lie?

So she won't know what a piece
of sh*t she's married to.

- I'm doing it for her.
- Yeah, but if you lie,

then you gotta lie again
to cover that lie.

Pretty soon, you're in
a whole mess of lies.

Well yeah, you gotta keep track
of what you lie about

and everything, but hey,
marriage is work.

I can't let her know
about this.

This is f*cking heinous.

Why would anyone
spend $300

on a doll you can't f*ck?

There's gotta be
some way to f*ck it.

- Hey, Louie.
- Hey, Walter.

Oh hey, how did things shake out
with Kim's picnic?

It ain't gonna happen. I'm going
in there now to tell Kim the truth.

Whoa whoa whoa,
what is wrong with you?

Well, I don't want to, but...

You know, I hate talking to you
because you're a guy

that either just did or is
about to do some stupid sh*t.

- Let me loan you the money.
- What? No, man.

Look, man, you bought that doll.
That's your right... you're a man.

Don't tell her sh*t.

- How much do you need?
- Like $200.

- I think I can swing that.
- Oh my God, you're saving my life.

Listen, we're going to have money
next week. I'll pay you back.

It's all good.
Just enjoy your picnic...

and your doll.

- Where have you been?
- Check it out!

How much is that?

- $200.
- Where did you get it?

Mike has this friend
that does landscaping

and they let me
fill in for the day.

Louie, this is amazing!

Ooh, I can tell you've
been working, you stink.

Well, listen.
There's still time to get food.

I'll go get the pig
and you can call everybody.

Louie, you really came through.

You kicked a*s.
I mean it.

We were up against it and the man
stepped up big time.

Yeah, well.

- Oh, hey, Nick.
- Hey.

Listen, the bathroom
above you is busted,

so you might get some sh*t
in your toilet that's not yours.

Don't flush it,
'cause we're trying to track it.

- Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.
- Don't forget the rent on Tuesday.

- What do you mean?
- He said he was gonna pay me Tuesday.

- Louie already paid you.
- No, he didn't.

- Yes, he did.
- Oh wait. No, he didn't.

I'll see you Tuesday.

- Louie, what is...
- Actually, I didn't pay the rent.

What?

What the hell
is going on?

Is that Frankenstein?

- Hey...
- How much did you pay for that thing?

- $300.
- Oh, man!

- Jesus!
- Look, I'm sorry,

but I did...
look, I fixed it,

I made the money.
I mowed lawns and made money,

and now we can have the party,
so there's no harm, right?

I'm sorry.

I gotta get
the money back.

I didn't mow any lawns.

m*therf*cker!

I can't believe this!

Oh sh*t! Ugh!

Oh... f*ck!

Oh!

f*ck!

m*therf*cker.

c*cksucker.

Are you ever gonna just...

Forget it.

All right.

Look, I've been trying
to figure this out...

why this was
important enough to you

to pay so much
money for it

and f*ck us over completely.

Because it is so awful,

there has to be
something behind it,

- something going on.
- Yeah, well, here's...

Okay, here's what
I came up with.

I think that you...

needed to buy this...

kinda like...

how I needed the picnic.

You know, sometimes
people just need

certain dopey things
to get through the day

you know?
I mean, I get it.

Life isn't always
that great around here,

and I think that you

have a kind of void

in you that
you somehow fill

with this.

So, at least...

now I feel like I can understand
where it came from.

There's no void.

Look, it'd be great
if there was.

But there's just...

a lying as*h*le

with a doll

who ruined
your nice picnic.

Please, could you
just let me have the void thing?

Okay.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm really really sorry.

I can't sleep.

Hey. I got you a doll.

Thanks.

And here's the certificate
of authenticity.

- Hi.
- What is this?

Well, we knew
you missed out on your party,

so we thought we'd bring
the party to you.

Hey, kitten. I brought
one watermelon for the kids

and one filled
with vodka for us.

Oh, wait.

- So you told her about...
- Yes, I know about Frankenstein.

Man, are you stupid.

No disrespect, Kim,

but you married poorly.

Mom, is this a party?

Yes, I think so, sweetie.

Oh my God, look.

Come here, kids,
you can see the fireworks.

Wow.

Wow.

God, that's disgusting.

My wife is
making me sell this.

Aw, that's a shame.

Mmm.

Looks like


Mm-hmm. It's in
excellent condition.

Yeah. I don't want it.

Why not?

I said it looks
like 17th-century Hosokawa.

That was made in Detroit
about three years ago.

Used to be a hubcap.